There’s a tendency among many women to just be nice. These are the kinds of women whom we call pleasers. Boring.

Pleasers are the kinds of women who are so afraid of losing love, so afraid of being judged, so afraid of being talked about behind their back (by the way, this is always going to happen – to everybody). So afraid of being alone, that they will do anything to please. Anything to be in everybody’s good books.

There’s an old saying: “you can’t please everyone”. This is true, but also misses the point. Don’t please anybody. That’s not the point. Pleasing gets you nowhere because pleasing is about You.

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Guess what? Ironically, it’s the most quiet, the most kind, the ‘pleasers’ who end up hurting people. Because they’re so afraid of losing love that their main focus is on getting that love and acceptance. These people go behind people’s backs to satisfy that itching fear of loss. (read this article about fear of being alone)

Sadly, we became pleasers at a young age. Sitting at our school desk, being told to ‘si’down!’ ‘shuddup!’ ‘do your homework!’ ‘don’t disturb others!’ ‘how dare you talk back to me!’. And if you grew up in China, it’s a whole lot worse.

Do you know what happens to boring women? they end up feeling lonely, because they’ve obstructed their own growth by being safe. And life always eliminates you if you don’t grow. We used to be lucky to live to 30 – we barely existed for anything other than procreation. Now? We’re flying people to the moon and back. We talk on cell phones. We are here to grow. In order to grow, you will end up upsetting some people. If you were to always try to make everyone happy with you, you will be miserable and alone. Oh, and boring.

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The problem with not being boring is that you risk something else. Something that might be a whole lot scarier than just not getting the approval of other people. You risk challenging others. You risk creating a fuss. You risk being talked about. A lot. You risk people calling you crazy. Yes, for most average people, if somebody comes along and doesn’t seem to be normal, who is a little different; they’ll label you crazy just to feed their own certainty and significance.

Here’s the irony: we’ve been taught to pull ourselves in line so human beings can have certainty; so that we can apparently have a better quality of life and be more agreeable. However, a bit of crazy is necessary for a woman to be alive. That is ultimately the biggest cost to you as a woman when you go in to pleasing mode and become boring – you lose that sense of aliveness and that femininity that is so charming and such a gift to everyone you come across.You become dead inside.

We’ve been conditioned to not be leaders, and to listen to ‘authority’. Well, now, anybody can be an authority if they have the courage and hunger for it. The world is changing. Crazy isn’t such a bad thing, if you’re coming from a good place; if you truly care about people. The world needs women who aren’t pleasers. Surprisingly, trying to please others all the time rarely contributes something positive to their life in the long-run. To be a good friend, a good lover, you can’t let fear rule over you.

Yes, you may feel lonely for a little while and lose some loose friends, but soon enough you’ll attract the kinds of friends who challenge you, cherish you and love you for being authentic. As well as men who deserve you.

One more thing: men don’t like women who are pleasers. At least not the kind of men you would truly respect anyway. Guess what kinds of men pleaser women attract? Men who like to take. Men who disrespect you.

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What is your opinion on this? Do you think that often, women try to please too much?



  • LoveYourselfFirst1120

    I am a recovering pleaser. I’ve always “pleased” (not even at first just slip into it somehow). I just met a man on New Years, and tested him with the wallet and keys trick, we opened up to eachother, and was just really really enamored and starting to really like him and I did one thing to please him (I acted out of fear maybe looking back & I had sex with him because I completely believed he would be committed) and bam he was gone. My bad! I am not beating myself up over it as best I can, but I am really hurt. He told me he wants his freedom and not to be tied down but he also said “it makes it that much harder because it wasn’t just sex with you, but I feel I have to distance myself”. I understand that now, but if I had just been more patient with myself and maybe been not so afraid or just told him “I’m scared to have sex with you at this point in time because what if you run away or something happens and I am left in pain”—maybe he would have realized that I have feelings. Although, I did say that if we do that, I will become more attached and such. But literally RIGHT after we did it, he said to me “I don’t want you to become too attached because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life yet” and now it has turned into “I’m not looking for a relationship”. Sigh. It bugs me that I let my guard down now! I must have missed all the signs if there were some because he assured me in all the ways i thought I needed to believe him, that he cared. Maybe he did? I don’t know! Now I’m confused and wondering if I just was acting out of fear and I think if so, then I really must acknowledge that I can’t disrespect myself like that. I feel crazy! I even cried after he said that and pushed him away as he tried to comfort me because it hurt! Is this guy just a jerk or am I insane?! 🙁

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  • Jessica

    It’s really a waste of time and energy trying to please people because you’ll be miserable, resentful, and alone. Masks hide deceit and misery for a short amount of time. I like being authentic and don’t care about pleasing anyone. I do care about other people’s feelings. I simply do me and people either accept me or not. I’m not pleasing anyone but God and will continue on my journey.

  • I am 22 yrs old turning , 23 in August and Iv been people pleasing my way through life and tired because i feel like i might end frustrated in life and not get the things i want and get the things done that i want done , but then i dont really know how to break the habit.

  • Holly

    Honestly, this habit is harder to break than coming off heroin.

    I kid you not! Because I’ve had this underlined behavior for so long; it’s deeply ingrained.

    I gave up smoking, coffee, psychotic medication, I left a controlled relationship were I felt brain washed to manipulation, I’ve done a few things out the norms that not everyone would have the will power to do.

    A Makeover, I even saved clothes for over a year that I wouldn’t touch until I reached the desired result, all whilst wearing scruffy clothes and nobody understood the mentality.

    I’ve done a few things, but guess what…

    People pleasing is still a deep unconscious habit that I am yet to break.

    Not everyone would have that perception as I’ve kicked in walls with my anger and glossed on the walls leaving messages to my ex, oh and put a can of hair moose into his computer after the breakup, but that was nothing to what I did after…

    So I feel that as much as people can change, some old habits die hard! Because that urge to hold back is still their to some extent.

    hmmm, psychological underlined cause hasn’t been addressed yet perhaps.

    My Mars sign placement in western astrology is placed in Scorpio and Scorpio is a sign of extremes, so it could be summed up as going from one extreme to the other.

    So underneath my people pleasing, nice fasade exterior lives a complete psycho. It’s…


    Under no circumstances can it ever be healthy to live a bottled up lifestyle version of events.

    one day…



    My inner strength will radiate when I manage to break free from the external crap.

    In the last 13 years of my life, I’ve gone from a complete push over that literally wouldn’t say boo to a goose, to a mad psychotic that gloss hate word’s all over walls and end challenges bitches on their shit.

    Yes, there was a woman I got into a verbal fight through text message, she actually had the nerve to say that when she sees me that I should watch myself and stay out the way of her.

    My response was not to put out her pathetic threats and to actually do.something about it!

    In her mind, I believe that she saw me as so much of a pushover that she actually planned to come with her friends, so I told her, sure, I’ll have my knifes on the ready and that I’d be calling the police, too as I have a little girl to protect.

    Did she actually follow up on her action’s, NOPE..

    She didn’t even follow up her actions when I saw her in the street. HA, that just says it all really that people are full off it. But not one of the bitches who have threatened have ever followed up on their actions.

    People pleasing, being overly nice and accommodating truly suck! Because all in all, it’s survival of the fittest.

    Fittest of the mind, fittest of the health, fittest of the everything going and if people don’t learn to activate their inner bitch then they’ll be eaten alive.

    Maybe it can go wrong sometimes were passiveness turns into aggression, opinions turn into clashes, supposedly ‘love ones’ and family members walk away, but their is a word for people who only want a controlled version of others and that is conditional love.

    So as I continue my journey of self improvement and pushing past the boundaries of anxiety, I shall experience more pain and inner turmoil until I reach an elevated level of healthy self esteem and self worth until people pleasing and being too nice will no longer be a conditional habit of my inner Psyche.

    Just because something has always been a certain way doesn’t mean that it will never be changed. Newtons theory of gravity was replaced with Einsteins.

    I just thought, even though I have only attracted low value men at this point, I’ve rejected them all as none of them have won my heart.

    • Holly

      Lol, NO, I don’t actually mean that to break a people pleasing habit is harder to break than heroin!

      No, what I mean is that I would probably feel it easier to break external habit as I’ve already accomplished giving up bad habits of smoking and psychosis medication (which is adviced not).

      Just to put that point across for English grammar reasons as heroin has never been a drug I experienced. And never will for that matter. Proudly.

    • Joan

      No one can be as much of a pushover as I was, Holly. lol Just kidding.

      No I really was a pushover.

      I found this site because I was wanting information on authenticity, I discovered it all on my own. I just sat at home one day and told myself I’ll just be the real me from now on. I made a commitment to that. Then I turned on the computer and research and bam I’m here.

      Authenticity saved me. I was stuck with dealing with my very difficult mother who told me I was not a real woman cause I do my nails so I look like a whore. Sorry to be so graphic.

      So I decided to be authentic. I don’t please anyone anymore. You see authentic was so easy because I was tired of all the masks I was putting on everyday.

      She doesn’t call me and my family doesn’t have anything to do with me either. She may even have a funeral and the family might not tell me and I’m ok with that. It hurts, but oh well.

      Some friends I have lost too. But, I’m going back to church on Sunday. I hope I can meet some new friends.



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