There are many people who strongly believe in leaning back when dating. Since the early days of the internet, when Rori Raye started spreading her idea on leaning back and circular dating, or rotational dating, which means dating several men at the same time, the idea of leaning back has spread.

Some people say that you shouldn’t take too many initiating actions with men, and let him chase you, whilst you still must remain warm and receptive.

Apparently, this is because it’s the natural role of a man to come forward, to work for you, and take care of you or claim you, as the woman. The idea is that you shouldn’t take this ‘forward leaning’ role as a woman. You should let the man take that role of coming forward, pursuing you as the prize.

Leaning back is not something I’ve advised women to do. And that’s not because I think leaning back is wrong. It can be useful to re-calibrate yourself and pulling yourself back when you’re feeling very desperate.

But I’ve done a lot of thinking about this lately, and want to share my thoughts with you. You don’t have to agree with me, and I am not dissing leaning back. I am suggesting that leaning back has no longevity in terms of your relationship value, and self-development.

All I am really doing here is seeing beyond the superficial stuff.

Ultimately, as a woman in the dating world, I understand that your concern may be that you give too much, or that you get taken advantage of, or even that you start to become desperate.

First, let’s look at what leaning back involves.

Most importantly, it apparently involves not having an agenda (lol!) it’s funny because for most women (not all!) leaning back is still about a woman wanting the man to come forward.

There’s nothing wrong with that per se, but what we have to respect is the fact that most women lean back to try to ‘make’ the guy do something that SHE wants, and this is not exactly an advanced way of adding value to the connection/relationship. It’s a taking-mindset rather than a connection-oriented mindset.

(Hey, by the way, I’ve got something good coming up, it’s a DVD on Becoming His One and Only. And guess what? Here’s the good news. You can have it absolutely FREE. It’s a way for me to give back to my subscribers. Get on the early bird list, so that you don’t miss out when I launch it in a few weeks.)

Here are some examples of leaning back (taken from varied dating articles)

You do not initiate calls or texts.

You give your man emotional and physical space (you create distance so that he can come forward to you).

You do not complain or whine.

You spend time with yourself and invest in yourself.

You feel your feelings and let them come up, without taking them out on him.

You stay warm, receptive and inviting.

You just stay there.

You do not try to fix things for a man.

You let go of attachment to any outcomes.

You don’t focus on the future of the relationship. Instead, you enjoy the moment with him.

You don’t initiate any invites to go out somewhere.

Some people’s idea of what leaning back is, really just a minimisation of risk on your part as a woman. It involves insulating yourself from rejection and pain, as well as insulating yourself from the natural process of calibration (ie: avoid making mistakes! But what if mistakes are what we need to calibrate ourselves?).

The original Rori Raye describes leaning back as a kind of being in your body, opening up your body and basically receiving a man as he is, without an agenda.

Generally, Rori Raye’s expression of leaning back seems to be the best expressed and delivered. (Except that a lot of women truly have a deep longing for a man, and it’s hard to accomplish leaning back when your love well is trillions of miles deep, unless you truly let yourself feel)

Now that the idea of leaning back has spread, other dating advisors use the term, too. Now it’s becoming a bit complicated. Let me give you an example.

Supposedly, leaning back is you being in your feminine, and this is supposed to be a good thing because men want to chase you. They want you to be the prize.

Let’s talk about this first. Leaning back is not necessarily feminine. And, just because a woman leans back does not mean she is in her feminine.

And having an agenda is not masculine energy. No, not at all. And ‘agenda’ shouldn’t be seen through this lens.

Agenda is a human thing. We can all have an agenda.

All leaning back means is that you are trying to preserve your value and not act out of fear. Generally speaking, any action taken from a place of fear can damage your relationship and strip from your value. That’s not always true, but it’s often true.

The idea that leaning back is a feminine thing is not true. Even if you’re being warm and receptive.

What if a man leans back?

Picture a strong, rich, successful, intelligent, masculine man leaning back. Is he suddenly feminine because he has leaned back energy? NO! A masculine man can be warm and inviting and still stand deeply rooted to the earth as a high value, high status man of value.

A man having warm, receptive energy is still masculine if he’s masculine.

So, let’s look beyond the surface here.

I mean, if you’re very lucky, then you’ve experienced the luxury of being with a man who is not only highly successful, but is also deeply warm and receptive too.

The truth is that leaning forward can actually be you being in your feminine. I know, right? What a shock. It’s not the actions you take with men! It’s the place those actions come from. It’s whether you’re attuned to a man or not.

Again, it’s not the actions you take! It’s about the energy you put out, who you are and what your habits are, and the place inside you that your actions come from. This is why I’ve never bothered with ‘The Rules’.

Here are 5 Things leaning back DOES for you:

1: It helps you create a push and pull effect (when you lean back, it encourages a man to come forward naturally, but it doesn’t mean he will necessarily commit to you).

2:  It can help you create a feeling of suspense, if you give him the space to come forward, then he has the chance to wonder if you are still interested, and he has the chance to miss you (provided he perceived value).

3: Attempts to raise your perceived value as a mate, but doesn’t work long-term.

4: It can give you a temporary ‘test’ to see how far a man will come when you pull back. Again, it’s not a reliable indicator of his future investment in you and commitment to you, but it gives you an idea of how far he is willing to come right now. But that ‘how far he is willing to come’ could only indicate that he lusts after you, or that he wants sex with you. So, be alert!

5: It can help you re-calibrate. What does that mean? It means that instead of over-functioning and leaning forward, you go to the opposite extreme, and from that new extreme, you find new, balanced footing as you acknowledge the problems that leaning forward brought you. Instead of over-doing it and smothering a man in desperation to try to ‘catch’ him, you instead try to create space for him to ‘catch’ you.

But let’s be clear: I don’t care how much you truly believe in the idea of leaning back. It will simply be impossible for you to show up high value, without being attuned to your man and to the current feel of your relationship together (if there even is one).

And in order to be better attuned to a man and a relationship, you have to be feeling through everything until you are empty, first. You need to honour yourself and open up (to yourself!) in this way first.

And by the time you’re empty, there’s a real likelihood that you may no longer even WANT this man, because you’ve allowed your body’s natural intelligence to be felt and heard. That intelligence gives you the strength that you need to walk away from the wrong man. And you won’t even have to fake it or try too hard.

Here are the 9 Dangers of leaning back in dating…

1. Warm and receptive isn’t necessarily good

I understand that a lot of people try to tell women these days that you need to be warm and receptive to a man.

The idea makes me laugh. Not because it’s a bad idea. It’s not a bad idea because in dating, it can be a more preferable thing to do than to be aggressive and controlling.

But just because it can be a better thing to do doesn’t mean it’s the accurate response.

And, because warm and receptive isn’t always the holy grail.

Feminine energy isn’t the holy grail. It is the holy grail perhaps in the BEGINNING of your personal growth journey, where you are removing old masks, defenses, and an image that you’re strong and masculine. To become more feminine, and remove these masks, see How Most Women Reject Their Femininity & How You Can Stand Out From The Crowd.

Beyond that beginner stage, and an intermediate stage of trying to understand men and give to men, you then become a woman who values attunement. And to be attuned, you have to be capable of getting outside of yourself, and not retreat into yourself over insecurities and even hate.

Another reason why ‘warm and receptive’ makes me laugh is because of this: What if the situation doesn’t call for you being warm and receptive???

To be high value, you need to be attuned to the context and the relationship!

Do the right thing at the wrong time, and you get pain…

For example, sometimes in an attempt to be feminine and lean back, you lose all access to your gut feelings out of devotion to the rule of leaning back!

The truth is that you MUST have the capacity to be deeply receptive, but you should have just as deep a capacity to be unwilling or even cold, which is the opposite of receptive.

You should ideally have the ability to access these two extremes, and go to them in the right context.

It is through this acceptance of all parts of yourself that you have more value to give. There’s simply more of YOU to give when you are not one dimensional and trying to be feminine all the time.

You see, we often lose ourselves in this obsession with attaining the ideal ‘femininity’ and ‘receptivity’. But think about it this way. Who cares how receptive you are when you have so many strict rules on what you can and can’t do whilst leaning back?

Who cares how receptive you are when/if your man is sexting 5 other women whilst trying to get into your pants as well?

Who cares how receptive you are when you have rage pent up from past relationships that has not been felt through until you’re free of the rage?

In fact, you can get stuck being in your so-called feminine energy in the wrong place at the wrong time, and do you know what happens when you do the right thing at the WRONG time? Yes, you do! You get pain. The wonderful Tony Robbins says that: “When you do the right thing at the wrong time you get pain”.

When you’re with a man, and he has really wronged you, then you better have the capacity to be ‘unwilling’ around him.

When you are in a situation that calls for you to protect yourself and protect your heart, then you better have the capacity to be unwilling.

And if a man has acted with zero integrity, then yes, you should have the capacity to show him that you’re unwilling, at the very least, for yourself.

If you want a good example where a woman should have been (or could have benefitted from being unwilling), but she was focused too much on being feminine, then check out this answer I gave to a beautiful reader.

2) Even if a man leans forward, it doesn’t mean there is a real relationship…

Leaning back is short term solution to a short term problem… Just because a man leans forward after you lean back, doesn’t mean anything about the lasting ability of the relationship.

You could essentially be trying to push for an emotionally committed relationship when there wasn’t going to be one in the first place. You have to know, appreciate and understand the man, where the man is at, and what his intent is. Not just lean back. Here are 10 Signs of A Commitment Phobic Man.

Try to ask yourself what needs is he trying to meet by being in contact with you in any way, shape or form?

And you’d be giving yourself false hope if you leaned back and he leaned forward, feeling like leaning back is ‘working’.

It works on a push and pull level. Not on a flowing, natural attraction and connection building level.

3) If you NEED the advice to lean back, there’s a problem…

When a woman badly needs the advice to lean back, then there comes an important question.

When did her emotions get so intense and so strong that she started “leaning forward” and overfunctioning in the first place?

And why?

Let’s honour her emotions right now.

Why is the emotion there?

Well, it’s there because it’s trying to tell her something. It’s trying to tell her to stop and feel. She wants to lean ‘forward’ not because it’s wrong, but because she is afraid of something. Namely: CONNECTION.

And that is, connection to everything. Connection to a man’s real intentions despite how much she wants to live in denial. Connection to a man’s soul. Connection to the lack of depth in the relationship and how this hurts her.

Now back to the emotions that make a woman ‘lean forward’…

I don’t care how much you lean back, if you don’t get to an ‘empty’ place, where you’ve given yourself permission (or even the external TRIGGER) to actually FEEL all the longing, the hate, jealousy, anger, resentment, hurt, pain, suffering and fear, then leaning back only counts so much.

Why?

Because you cannot emotionally and physically truly give value to a relationship or to a man if you don’t process those feelings first. You’ll be too stuck in yourself. You’ll have too many of your own issues to think of the health of the relationship with a man.

Women who have pent-up feelings from yonks ago, cannot take care of a relationship because they haven’t taken care of themselves. (this doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be IN a relationship, not at all! It just means that they cannot take care of the health of the relationship at that moment).

You CAN potentially add a lot of value to a man by feeling these emotions right in front of him, as long as it is totally vulnerable feeling. But whether you are ready for that and he is ready for that is another issue. And whether feeling in front of him really adds value or not depends on your history with him and where the relationship is really at right now.

4) Women who NEED to lean back usually have bigger fish to fry…

There’s another way to see all of this. It’s a more advanced way to see things.

If you already have extremely intense, leaning forward or aggressive feelings towards a man, you cannot change that.

Those intense feelings are there for a reason.

In some situations, the best way to learn and become higher value is by making the mistake of leaning forward and being controlling, and feeling the effects that this has on your success with men.

If you allow your aggressive and overfunctioning feelings to drive you; yes, you might lose a man (only in the early stages of dating before enough value has been built up between you both), but look at it from another perspective.

This is your life we’re talking about here. This is your story we’re talking about here.

Who said you cannot make mistakes?

What if honouring the feelings that you hold deep inside about this relationship situation are more important than the prospect of losing him?

In other words, sometimes you have much bigger fish to fry than focusing on ‘not leaning forward’. Sometimes you HAVE to lean forward and make that mistake in order for real change to happen.

Because people sometimes overlook the bigger, deeper problems in life. Namely, that you have resentment, hurt, anger, or longing from the past that you haven’t felt or acknowledged.

And sometimes, by ‘leaning forward’ or being controlling, this has a way of giving you the ‘trigger’ or the ‘opening’ for your old bottled up feelings to be released. Which, if they were released, would give you a new relief in life.

Sometimes, these intense emotions CANNOT be released without another human interacting with you in some capacity. Even if it seems like a negative interaction.

It could change how you show up altogether. So, instead of showing up aggressive due to old ‘stuff’ pent up, you are relaxed. You are breathing deeper. You aren’t burdened by emotional stress.

And THAT is the number one thing that will free you to show up High Value (Click here to learn about the mindsets of High Value women).

5) Leaning back doesn’t automatically guarantee polarity and attraction

When you talk about being feminine, the usefulness of it is that you’re trying to create polarity and attraction. That’s the main use of feminine and masculine energy.

But just by leaning back doesn’t guarantee that you are creating attraction or polarity. What leaning back creates is a push and pull effect. Instead of pushing, you pull, and you pull back. So, of course it’s going to seem like it ‘works’ because a man might come forward in response to the sudden change.

But is he coming back out of emotional attraction? Or is he coming back because of the surface level ‘push and pull’ effect that leaning back produces?

Is he coming back because he doesn’t want to lose convenient sex?

Is he coming back because he doesn’t want to lose the comfort of having someone ‘want’ him?

And is he coming back out of trust for you?

Something to consider…

6) You’ll only keep a man’s interest if he perceives relationship value, and if you have high value

As much as leaning back will work on the push and pull level, it’s a false promise to say that it works, because it is only real intrinsic value that keeps a man (and a woman!) around.

Men need to show up high value for you, too!

And you need to do your best to understand how you can also show up high value for the right man.

(Also please understand that sometimes, no matter how High Value you show up, some men just simply cannot appreciate or see high value, because they are too far into themselves.)

You’re not going to be able to sustain a man’s interest (and a man won’t sustain your interest long-term) unless you clearly have value for a long-term relationship in the first place. And leaning back is only one initial way to try to raise your value, but it is short-term thinking and doesn’t add value to the relationship long-term.

Even leaning back cannot fix a problem of a woman taking value long-term. Why? Because value-taking is a habit she got into. And that habit started when she decided she would not surrender to her emotions, (or when she felt entitled), or when she decided that she didn’t want to open to the pain and vulnerability of life!

By surrendering to our fears, our hurts and anger and our longing, we can get to emptiness.

Not numbness!

But emptiness.

And with emptiness, comes a strange energy of acceptance.

Tell me, am I right?

It’s a form of grieving.

Grieving for not getting what you want right here, right now.

If you avoid the grieving and try to lean back for the wrong reasons, you’re putting a band-aid on to fix too deep a problem.

There’s no real shortcut to raising your value as a woman. So, don’t rely on leaning back alone.

7) The rules of leaning back can kill true engagement

Rules are good when they are good. But if you adhere to all the rules of leaning back, then you’ll have problems.

For example, let’s just put it generally for now. The people in the world with the most rules of what to do, say or not do or say, usually have the lowest levels of engagement with others.

Because of rigidity. Their rules blind them to real engagement and connection in the moment. Their rules close them off.

And that’s what the rules of leaning back will do. They’ll cause you to pull back your quiet responsiveness…

They’ll cause you to pull back your ability to take little risks (such as inviting a man out to a concert) – something that he could potentially really appreciate (if done in the right context)…

Maybe you should be asking yourself, what do you want so badly, that you’re willing to kill your own ability to engage with a man, in the name of leaning back?

What is it that you deeply want?

8) Leaning back gives false hopes after casual sex or early sex

Here’s the truth.

There are reasons why women get desperate and controlling (leaning forward behaviour) in dating. Sometimes it is because she has slept with a man very quickly, without enough emotional attraction and emotional connection having been built up.

Here’s more on that: The Secret Cost Of Casual Sex For Women

And sometimes the reason for a woman leaning forward too hastily is simply because she’s at a place in her life where she is desperately wanting to secure a mate.

Sometimes, she just got attached really quickly even without sex. But the real PROBLEM comes when women try to fix having had sex early on by “leaning back”.

And this is after years of not prioritising romance, family, men and relationships.

A lot of women try to lean back after having sex with a man very early on after meeting him.

Whether we like it or not, biologically, by sleeping with a man quickly, women’s bodies know that they’ve given up something of incredible value – sex and potentially, his sperm meeting the egg.

If you’ve given a man “access” to your reproductive capability, without him ever building up feelings or emotional attraction and emotional connection with you, then you’re taking risks.

Now, some women are in a place in their life where they really just want casual sex, and that is it. But these aren’t usually the women wanting dating advice. These are often women who are recently divorced after being in a marriage for a long time, or they are just women who are truly not wanting any emotional attachment.

Most women want emotional attachment, and is it any shock to ANYBODY that when they sleep with a man quickly, that these women suddenly lean forward?

Or that they start to over-function?

Well, if it is a shock, it shouldn’t be.

Leaning back is sometimes, frustratingly, just an attempt to fix something that went the wrong way too fast.

When your body has built up attachment to a man through sex, it can be very hard to relinquish “control”. That’s why one might lean forward, because your body is trying to do the best for your future – it is trying to secure its mating future, in case you get pregnant and need to raise that child.

So, there’s no going around the issue of sleeping with a man quickly and without a level of 8/10 emotional attraction and 8/10 emotional connection built up first.

Leaning back might help him come forward, but in most cases, it’s just a case of him naturally coming forward due to the law of ‘push and pull’, and not because he is in love, or wants to commit.

Don’t forget that if a man has gotten sex easy, he doesn’t necessarily want to give you up immediately. Some men will be quick to leave, others won’t. So if you lean back and he leans forward, you’ve got to really critique his intent.

What does he want? Do you guys have an 8/10 emotional connection? Do you guys have an 8/10 emotional attraction?

If not, if it is less than 8 out of 10, then you need to either focus on building that or you need to really sit back and think about where he is at and what he is actually looking for. A lot of women are afraid to do this in case they meet the truth: that he just wants sex.

Regardless of what the truth is…you got this. You are strong enough to handle the truth.

9) Leaning back is NO replacement for attunement in a relationship

There is NO replacement for attunement in a relationship.

And attunement is where it’s at!

Leaning back is often still about ‘ME’ getting something from ‘HIM’. I lean back to try to get him to lean forward.

This is a far cry from what attunement looks like.

No amount of leaning back will replace attunement in your relationship and dating.

Attunement is defined by Dictionary.com as: being or bringing into harmony; a feeling of being ‘at one’ with another being.

Now, I want to be clear. You AND a man both have a responsibility to be attuned to each other. But there is never any harm in leading with your own desire to attune to him, because you will feel it and know it much faster if he’s a bad egg!

You’ll also know it faster if he’s the wrong one for you, if you are attuned, or have the desire to connect. It’s when we get stuck in our heads that we dip a rabbit hole too deep and find it hard to get out.

A lot of us lack attunement. In fact, we mistakenly think that we ARE attuned to someone, when in reality, all we’re attuned to is what we want to take from the situation.

As such, it’s much harder to answer the question, “How much emotional connection does HE feel for you?” than it is to answer the question, “How much emotional connection do I feel for him?”

We have to get OUT of our own bodies to feel someone else, to be at one with them.

And I will place a bet on the fact that for a lot of us, if we were to “lean back”, we’re much more in tune with ourselves than we are in tune with him. So, in that case, the only value that leaning back has is to avoid a desperate situation, and to hopefully make him come forward. But it doesn’t add any value to the emotional connection directly, unless who we are changes.

Even if a woman is wonderfully warm and receptive, and she is inviting and leaning back at the same time, it will do nothing if she is doing it to ‘get’ something from him. Ie: get him to claim her.

It will do nothing if she leans back to try to ‘get’ him to come forward.

There have been stories of women who leaned back, stayed warm and receptive, and yes, the man came forward to claim her, but he didn’t want to commit to her. So, we have to keep our eye off the goal of commitment and getting him to ‘claim’ us, and focus our energy and attention of building attraction and connection.

Feel outside of yourself to be successful with men

There’s no replacement for your ability to attune yourself and appreciate any situation.

So, the only right way is the long way. Understand men, so that you can see and appreciate what they perceive value in for a relationship. But more importantly for yourself; you need to have the ability to feel outside of yourself so that you can see where he is at. (You need to feel yourself, too. You need both!)

The best thing to do is to Become His One and Only…

The best way to get a high value man for a relationship is to learn how to show up as his one and only woman, rather than a one of many woman. I’ll have a FREE DVD for you on this very topic soon! Get on the early bird list, so that you don’t miss out when I launch it in a few weeks!)

If you liked this post, please leave me a comment, I love reading your thoughts and stories.

 

renee-wade

45 Comments

  • Sofia says:

    Hello Renee
    Iused to initiate calls and texts to my man but he never replied or called back (sorry to say this) i got tired of texting him or calling istopped for a while then i begun again initiate texts but he does not reply am i leaning back ? what should i do ?
    i love your articles keep it up

    • Emily says:

      Hi Sofia, I know I’m not Renee but I was doing the same thing you described and it was driving me INSANE. I felt helpless and I couldn’t figure out what was going on and started to think that I must have done something very wrong.

      I was telling one of my girl friends about this and she gave me a link to a video that really helped me out. I’m now engaged and couldn’t be happier! Rather than give a summary of the video, here’s a link https://bit.ly/2JBxSPd so you can watch it yourself. I hope you find it as valuable as I have.

  • Kristen says:

    I have read this post now 3 times because I love it so much. Thank you so much for it. I too, feel leaning back is a conflicting message and approach.. it just doesn’t feel genuine… more like a game. There are some groups on Facebook that I belong to and when I see someone post “my _____’s birthday is tomorrow…should I reach out and wish him a happy birthday??” and the responses are almost always “NO!!! lean back!! That’s masculine energy” and so on. I’m sitting there looking at it and saying “uhm… yes. wish him a happy birthday because that’s what you would do if you were face to face”. It’s insane.
    If you’re reaching out to a man (or anyone really) from a fear-based place, that’s when you lean back. If you feel good and you have no expectations, I see nothing wrong with reaching out as long as you’re not over investing and he’s showing up to the party as well. Like you said, it’s definitely one way to weed out the bad eggs.

  • Amber says:

    Hi Renee,

    I could not agree more with your thoughts on leaning back. Funny enough it was in the beginning of my relationship (4 years ago) with the great love of my life, and my now husband, where things began to get confusing that I purchased Rori Ray’s work and did just that- leaned back. Biggest mistake I could have made. My boyfriend at the time was completely confused. Rather than opening up and creating dialogue and conversation that would have(and eventually did) create closeness, it just drove us apart. He thought I was being cold, distant, detached. Sure he came in closer for a while to see why, but as I just kept leaning back (you know, no blaming, no leaning into the relationship) we just came to a standoff. It wasn’t until i told him I had been taking that ridiculous course(Sorry Rori, no shaming or meanness intended at all) that he got what was going on, told me to lean IN, and we got back on track and have been together moving forward ever since. With a real man, opening up and being honest and vulnerable while self aware and grounded in myself have made sense, not the leaning back. No no no!
    Great article, thanks!!

  • Laura Fortin says:

    Renee, thank you so much for writing this article. I can’t tell you how timely it is for me. I have been following you and David for a few months now, and taken a couple of courses, and you have helped me so much already. This particular article spoke to both my past 15 years’ experience in a relationship which I am in the process of exiting, and in a recent/current relating with another man… whom I am leaning back from at this very moment (for the last week)! All the while tuning in to feel if I’m doing it for the right reasons. Your perspective on this idea has shed much light and I’m feeling much closer to clarity on my next steps. 🙏🏻 with Love, Laura

  • Irene says:

    Thank you Rene, for this article. I practiced leaning back for about 7 months. And still he wants to keep it casual, doesn’t want to move to quickly…blabla….. now I had the courage to tell him how I feel and what I think of this situation and quit it. He agreed…..this could have happened much earlier. I will from now on not going on being passive. Leaning back feels good from time to time…. but isn’t the best all of the time.

    I thank you so much and send you love <3

  • Dora Miller says:

    I feel the article you wrote hit the nail on the head. Just recently I felt I needed to reassess my relationship with a man I have been dating for the past six months. Although I clearly set my boundaries from the start and it seemed he respected them . Except for the last two months I started to realize our relationship was heading in a direction I do not want to except! So I took a step back and realized this man is not for me. It definitely created a push effect, however something that was no longer important to me. I was not warm and receptive! Even him stating that he misses me made me think ,
    Why? His texts used to make me smile and happy, but no longer. He lives 11/2 hours from my place and it seems to me that he likes it that way. It also became clear to me, that whenever something better would come along, I’d take a back seat, even though we had planned a date for that day, he would come up with excuses. Ugh, I no longer feel I can trust that man. I no longer want that man in my life. Guess what, I am the one now who feels good that he lives 11/2 hours away!!

  • Genni says:

    What I took from this article is that you can’t be authentic when following rules for the sake of rules and especially if they go against what your authentic, real self is feeling. So if you’re feeling like you want to do something that is “not good” for the relationship then you need to validate those real urges and see why you want to do that and then work on that. So there may be times when leaning back or leaning forward is good because it is an authentic expression of your feelings. Perhaps he did something that hurt or surprised you in a bad way and you need to pull back to protect yourself and reassess the potential in that relationship. But pulling back to follow a rule and leaning forward to avoid dealing with difficult emotions welling up inside you are not authentic expressions of yourself. And you can’t be open to love unless you’re authentic. I also know that if you refuse to initiate anything because of a hard adherence to rules the guy is going to sense that (perhaps subconsciously) and pull back. He’s going to resist it and it’s actually going to backfire with him giving and pursuing less because he feels you are being disingenuous. I feel a man will naturally want to give and pursue a woman he wants but he’ll suppress his natural drive if he feels like he’s in some way being set up to do that. And it really does kill the romance. So sometimes give a little and his response will be revealing. If I initiate in some little way out of a desire to be with him as opposed to fear and desperation (like inviting him to something or initiating contact) it’s very telling how he responds. Because I’m being vulnerable by putting myself out there and I think I’m being vulnerable in a way that a man isn’t when he initiates because I’m a woman initiating and I think we’re all aware on some level of these prohibitions against a woman initiating. Is he sensitive to that? Does he realize the risk I take? How does he respond to that? Is he enthusiastic? Anyway, it’s hard to take a risk but with the right guy that risk will be graciously received.
    I’ve heard the idea of dating lots of men for practice and to not be too dependent on one man. I’ve tried that but I can’t go on a date just for the sake of dating someone. There has to be sufficient connection there and if there is why not take it farther and if there isn’t I don’t want to see them again. I’ll go on several dates to see the potential there but I won’t continue something lukewarm. I’d rather be alone honestly–I have so many projects and self work to do it would be centering to be alone. I mean, I don’t want a lukewarm or casual relationship at all. I am lonely but being with someone I don’t feel connected to makes it worse. I’m lonely for a deep, passionate connection.

  • martha says:

    You’re the best mum Renne,I will always look to you

  • Alyson says:

    I feel very confused. My boyfriend has complained sometimes that our relationship feels one-sided (like he’s doing all the work.) I feel scared. I’ve completely cut myself off from a man because he got a girlfriend and I wasn’t interested in being a friend. I sobbed while writing a Facebook message and then removed myself from the situation. He was extremely angry, but didn’t attempt to reconcile our friendship. He married his girlfriend but still wanted my attention, which made me extremely angry in turn. Like, I have value, but not enough value to be the one. The relationship I’m in now happened really fast. We got to know each other through email, dated long-distance, & then I moved to be closer to him. I didn’t move IN with him, however. He is really good to me.

  • Patricia says:

    I’ll be mad not to leave a comment. Of all my subscriptions, you’re the only one with depth. Thank you so much for this article it was really a breath of fresh air. Anytime I read something from you, I feel empowered in an exciting way not in a dull, controlling way so thanks again.

  • Siw says:

    I’ve been waiting hopefully for two years for your respond/thoughts on exactly this! Ive been following Raye as Well as Yintegrity. Now I know why this Raye-thing Never rang true too me. Didn’t feel right. Thank You Renee. This feels much better and authentic. Btw Brandon Martin has some insights too. I hope You Will comment om this sometime so my understanding Will be further nuanced.

    Lots of love

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Siw, glad to see this blog post feels right to you. There’s nothing better than feeling authentic.

  • Marta says:

    Love this article! It describes the need of connection in life appropriately. Thank you Renee for this post 🙂

  • Kim Herold says:

    Brilliant work, Renee, on the concept of being “empty”!

  • Danaellen says:

    Renee, your piece was a breath of fresh air! The depth of your explanation makes so much sense!! I wish you would do an entire program on this topic because it’s become the holy grail in the dating world.
    I found myself, while leaning back, becoming so stilted that I wanted to stop dating. Replacing leaning back with the concept of “adding value” is so much easier and natural. Another great point you make is its the place you are coming from and energy.

    I hope some Rori Raye disciples or Rori herself comments. I would be fascinated to hear what they say.

    I love the comments too because I can relate to so many comments especially the frustration with rules or what I should or I shouldn’t do. Now I think in terms of just embracing my femininity instead of cultivating it as some magical tool to get a man to claim me,

    I felt like a whole person after digesting your article rather than fearing my masculine energy as some kind of enemy to a satisfying love life.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Danaellen! I love your thoughts on replacing leaning back with adding value…that’s another way you can think about this. It made me happy to read your response. 🙂

  • Stella says:

    Great post as always Renee!!
    But I cannot open the link to get the FREE DVD of HOW TO BE HIS ONE AND ONLY.
    I open where it says early birds and it says error failure.

  • Nicole Louis says:

    By the way, have tried to sign up for the DVD, maybe I’m too late but it goes to an error page. Thanks

  • Nicole Louis says:

    I thank god there is a relationship coach that feels like me about circular dating, keeping really busy to distract yourself from feelings, and leaning back. I think leaning back has it’s place but it has destroyed my spirit, my joy and natural flow. I find it oppressive to use constantly. After listening to all these relationship coaches, I think we must begin to follow our feelings and gut more. Rules often go against these natural feelings and can become too rigid and joyless. I am beginning to think our requirement is to begin to trust in ourselves, we are all unique, and which includes not feeling afraid to have boundaries, to respect ourselves and our values and not wear our vulnerability on our sleeves. Leaning back is just a tool that can be used when appropriate. After following the Rori Ray trained coaches I feel half the woman I use to be and much more miserable, as if I have to put on a vacuous, vulnerable display. I emphathise the Display. I can be naturally very feminine and vulnerable, vulnerability is beautiful, however I’ve been put down for it and it hurts. But the Display of it , even when the coaches say it’s not an agenda, it is, which becomes completely confusing. I am coming to the point I will use the rules as tools but I wont allow them to take over my natural self, which they have done. They will be used when I need them. I also can never do rotational dating, it’s just not me and I have better things to be occupied with than having to feel so busy just to keep my mind from being anxious, or feeling pain and obssession. I really have crashed because I was following their way for some time, not completely but much of it. The relationship coaches I followed are half my age and thrive on adulation. I felt my energy being sucked as well as my pocket. SO I am having to come back to me, I am newly separated and feeling the pain, however by following them I was feeling less and less empowered which has made me feel worse. I hope I can find my way as it’s a crazy world out there, I am 55 years and moved to Asia from Australia because it was too masculine for me. But now, although I am enjoying the softness and sweetness, I find many or most Western men where I live are only interested in Asian women because they say they are more feminine. In fact many of the men here, some of them my friends, are contemptuous of Western women. The men also have more control in forms of money, SO I can’t win, I either have to have some unseen faith or once again have to move if all else fails. Thank you Renee for confirming what I have been feeling about circular dating and leaning back – because I was starting to feel very inadequate under their teachings. I’ve had a full life, travelled alot, had two great careers, one as a journalist and photographer, and some success, yet I was feeling I couldn’t be myself and if I didn’t follow their way and rules then I was hopeless and would never find someone. High value yes! I am raising my standards for sure! I will not be tolerating non-committal men anymore. This does feel overwhelming though and even though I really, really don’t want to end up alone I may well do because the world of relationships between men and women these days often feels really bad and sad.

  • K sunshyne says:

    I call B.S. on all this. I’ve beem reading these articles and she’s said, “lean back lean back” but now she’s doing the back stroke and saying don’t lean back. It’s not the thing to do. Now you need to do a million other things. I really am no longer convinced that she truly knows what she’s talking about. I giess whatever will sell and make her the money. Bottom line… money.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hello K Sunshyne. I’m sorry, where did I suggest to lean back? Sorry to see that you feel messed around.

    • Phoenix says:

      K sunshine, you are completely wrong.
      Rene has always preached being true to yourself and building true connection.
      You need to find a happy place, get some tea and re-read her articles so you can truly comprehend what she is saying. Good luck to you

  • Crazy Humorous says:

    This is a great post, but so confusing. I have been reading your posts, Rori’s and Matthew Hussey’s. All three of you (sometimes) say different things. It’s like dating and finding the right man for you is some kind of rocket science. It’s so exhausting, makes me not want to date at all. Too many rules to follow, and I feel like I cannot be myself. I believe that if two people are meant for one another, no matter if I lean in or lean forward or let him chase me or not, if he wants to be with me, he will be with me. That’s what I believe. All of these “rules” are so exhausting. I think they make dating seem like a chore. Of course I can relate to many things all of you say, and I agree with some of them. But OMG!

    Anyway… I like reading the posts, even if I don’t agree with some of the advice you all give.

    Have a great day! 🙂

    • Genni says:

      lol good points Crazy Humorous. I can relate and feel the same way sometimes.

    • faithshanice02 says:

      Hey if its fine with you? seeing you follow so many coaches why not try Giordana, she mainly focuses on the inner work or healing your self first, it really helped me a lot on knowing and understanding my own shadows, coaches can only help us so far but if you do not understand yourself at your very core you wont be attuned to your soul, and so you’ll get confused all the time, you don’t have to apply everything the coaches say, you just choose what feels right and acceptable for you

  • Wendy says:

    Hi Rene,

    (Just wrote this to you in an e-mail but I thought I’d post it here aswell, so others might benifit by reading it aswell)

    Thank you for writing this post!! I have tried the Rori Raye method and it has completely backfired on me, I believe I can even say it played part in ruining my last relationship, instead of feeling empowered it left me feeling completely powerless and feeling like a sitting duck waiting for the other person to take action and becoming a taker, which isnt true to who I am, and my ex boyfriend feeling unsatisfied because he was always the one taking all the initiative.

    I have to be honoust though, some of your advise has also backfired on me in the past because when i used it I thought it was ‘ the right thing to do’ to get my man to want me or want me back e.g. Following the rules and doing the right thing at the wrong time, exactly like you said.

    I have a confession to make that makes me laugh when I think of it now, because it was so silly.
    Once I trough a grape at my ex boyfriend in an attempt to be more dark feminine. When all I had to do was authentically say no at what he was offering in that moment and respect my own boundaries.
    At least I tried something new and I commend myself on this, making mistakes is how we learn. And I believe the universe has a way of making us loose the ones we are supposed to loose anyway, looking back he wasn’t the right person for me and we didn’t want the same things in life.

    Anyway… I have found that the best way to make a man run from me is to be inauthentic, IN ANY WAY. And this is where I need help.

    It is such a struggle for me to have an authentic yes and authentic no. Sometimes I get so confused and I don’t even know what I’m feeling is yes or no, let along communicating this to anybody else.
    And sometimes I can really feels yes or no in my body, but there are all these ideas and believes about what I’m SUPPOSED to be or say or do… and then when I follow these dating rules it just gets worse, because more supposed-to’s, musts and have-to’s are thrown unto the pile of my already stuck ideas of all the things me parents, society, school and generations of anscesters have ingrained in me.

    I really appreciate your advice and it has helped me so much in the past to liberate some of these old patterns. Do you think more women are struggling with being inauthentic and what would be your advice for me and those struggling with me?

    • Genni says:

      Hi Wendy,

      I think you made a really great point and it reflects my own feelings as well. I have also been at times overwhelmed with all the ideas and pointers. It’s good to keep in mind that being authentic and true to yourself is the best way to go. And I have also experienced that the best way to get a guy to leave is to be inauthentic. But alas! Being authentic can be hard. Especially if I’m driven by and acting on feelings I’m not yet totally aware of. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and forget everything. And after that I feel this surge of confidence and relief. Well, now I really can be totally myself because I’ve rejected all the rules and shoulds and my worth is no longer bound to the outcome.

      • Pooja says:

        My worth is no longer bound to the outcome.

      • Wendy says:

        Thanks Genni!

      • faithshanice02 says:

        Hey if its fine with you? seeing you follow so many coaches why not try Giordana, she mainly focuses on the inner work or healing your self first, it really helped me a lot on knowing and understanding my own shadows, coaches can only help us so far but if you do not understand yourself at your very core you wont be attuned to your soul, and so you’ll get confused all the time, you don’t have to apply everything the coaches say, you just choose what feels right and acceptable for you

  • Rayane says:

    Wow! What you said about feeling empty is so true..

  • Violet says:

    Hi Renee

    I’m soooo desperate for love and more I try less I succeed. Nobody is attracted to me. I’m terrified of staying alone for the rest of my life. I cry every day and I can’t stay calm. When somebody I know gets married I cry for a week. Please help me find my man.

    • Olga says:

      Sister, I feel so sad about this because I am in the same place as you!!
      My feelings are true. However, my friends are religious, and they push my feelings and concerns aside.
      They always say, “If it’s God’s Will, it will happen. If it’s not God’s Will, it won’t happen.”
      I am tired of hearing it. I want a handsome and loving man in my life. I don’t want to be single until my death.
      When my Christian friend got married, I cried for a week, just like you. She told me the same religious tripe I just shared here. Renee, please help us! Best, Olga from Colorado

    • Jen says:

      Violet, I totally understand that terror of being alone. I’ve been there and am still working on it. Not desperate or very fearful anymore, but it worries me sometimes.

      You’re not going to like what I’m going to say, but you do not need help finding a man. You need help finding yourself. If you want a long-term relationship, you first need to take a step back and get to know and appreciate who you are without a man in your life, whether it’s a real-life one or the fantasy of one. That’s the only way to discover your true identity, by removing everything that’s about finding or keeping someone else.

      That’s hard to do, but it’s the only thing that works. Even if you were to find a perfect man right now, you’d NEVER be able to feel secure in the relationship. In fact, it’s worse because fear of losing something you’ve come to depend on is much greater than the fear of never getting it. Trust me – I’ve done both. Fear of losing can also leave you vulnerable to mistreatment and abuse – been there too. Abusers can smell desperation a mile away, but they won’t reveal their abusive side until you’re hooked.

      If you want something different to happen to you, you need to do something different. What you’re describing sounds like it’s at the level of depression and/or anxiety disorder. Crying every day, being terrified, and being desperate to that degree is not a do-it-yourself project – you need therapy to uncover the source of the insecurity and emptiness within yourself and start healing. You will not get better in any lasting way until you do this, so start as soon as possible. If you can’t afford therapy, there may still be resources available to you, such as free or discounted therapy. If you have a regular doctor, you could start by asking him or her for a referral.

      In the meantime, look up anxious insecure attachment and see if anything there rings true.

  • Margarida says:

    I am so excited about the FREE DVD!! I have been wanting to get na opportunity like this since I started Reading your blog. I hope signed up for it on time. I commented on a previous post as just a lil nurse 🙂

  • Rosie says:

    Hi Renee,
    This article is so interesting, I’ve been reading quite a bit on leaning back and had some thoughts and questions for you. One of the principles of leaning back is to have a rotation and as i’m single i’ve realised its good to be open to men and not be so closed off and not judge so quickly which I’ve realised I can be.The thing I find difficult is I just don’t enjoy dating lots of different people for the sake of it like it’s a game. I don’t like dating apps I just find they make me feel bad, I don’t like spreading myself out in fact I find it soul destroying and depressing not fun. I prefer to connect with someone I feel something a bit more special and different with even if it means I’m more likely to get my feelings hurt and just spend the rest of the time on my friends, family and the other things i enjoy in my life. Another thing about leaning that bothers me is the idea that men only want what they can’t have rather than wanting someone because they find them amazing but the more I hear things like that the more it scares me and gives me no hope. I agree with you about not following rules because it just doesn’t feel genuine.

    I don’t see leaning back as a way to get someone or make them interested but a way to give myself space when I need it and a way to give someone else space they need sometimes. I feel like leaning back could be the best thing for me right now though not permanently, after learning from you i’ve realised I’ve been so sacred of getting hurt and so much wanted to have a special connection with someone that deep i’ve been operating from a place of lack and blame to be honest I just want to get myself to a better place where I can feel less scared and I don’t feel ready to share this with someone else right now but need to be in a place where i accept myself and my feelings which I never have.

    Renee I don’t care about getting lots of attention that easy to get but leaves me hollow, I’m so scared of not experiencing depth with someone. i’m scared of all this stuff people say that attraction to someone doesn’t last. This has partly made me feel scared and there’s someone I liked and felt something special and i’m sure in my gut he felt that too but because I was scared I got mad, blamed, used and reacted all the time to everything and created things to worry about when what I really wanted was to connect and I feel like he found it exhausting and it pushed him away because he was going through very stressful stuff in his life and i was just thinking about myself not him. I agree with what you say about it’s ok to learn through mistakes. When people talk about leaning back they also say you shouldn’t pursue a guy, I feel in this situation i want to lean back to give myself some space and him (you’ve talked about giving a guy space if that’s the best thing for him before and I feel it is). Do you think it would be ok to reconnect with him from a good if i feel it’s right after having some space and giving him it? From what i’ve seen or leaning back people say you shouldn’t and it confuses me.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi there Rosie,

      Firstly, here is a post I wrote about The Dangers of Circular Dating: http://www.thefemininewoman.com/rori-raye-circular-dating/

      Ok. I have a lot to say about circular dating/man funnel/rotation. So I cannot cover it all here. But it is ridiculous. There’s nothing wrong with dating more than one person at a time. That’s not the problem. The problem is circular dating – using it to stop yourself getting desperate. You know, there’s something ‘off’ about using men to shield yourself from the pain of men. I hope that makes sense.

      About your statement: “Another thing about leaning that bothers me is the idea that men only want what they can’t have” – that is so superficial it makes me squirm. That is not true and I’m not saying it just because I’m a woman. Similar to this is the statement “Men enjoy the chase” etc…it’s just superficial advice. Men want value. Period. And they will NOT chase a woman long-term who doesn’t have value, or whom they do not PERCEIVE value in.

      So, don’t be afraid. It’s ok. What it’s really about is value. Just remember that. Hold yourself as a high value, high status woman. Feel into others. Be emotionally generous. That’s a good place to start, because when you give yourself the gift of the capacity to be emotionally generous, it gives you a sense of control, certainty and confidence because you know you have value to others regardless of what other things happen in your life.

      As for your very last question, I cannot answer that as it is a vague question and I don’t have enough information.

      Thanks for your comment, I enjoyed reading. 🙂

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