Your man tells you to “F**k Off”. Now what?

He got angry and told her to F**k Off….

Me & my boyfriend had an argument a few days ago he blamed me for a few things which was silly things & not true. He was angry & recently been under a lot of stress. Also he lost a close friend of his.

He was ratty with me from the night before. He said I had started to act like I was at the beginning of relationship paranoid & not being able to talk properly. At one point he said maybe your getting bored in our argument. I later said maybe you need to miss me… His response was F*** O** . He stormed out the door & not heard from him since.

He hasn’t been on Facebook in 2 days which is not like him. I feel empty but I have not tried to contact him as he is angry & I don’t want him to think he can talk to me like that & think it’s OK. I do believe he is a commitment phobe. Can you give me some advice & why he said maybe you are getting bored?

Is that because he is bored? Why he swore when I said maybe he needs to miss me. He has pulled away for 2 weeks in October & also in July. it will be one year next month he mentioned this a few days before our argument whilst holding my hand. I’m so hurt & confused. Please help!
—– Jacinta (not her real name)

Dear Jacinta,

I am sorry you are in this position. I think every woman who has ever been with a male human can feel your pain. The hardest thing here is being left alone and wondering….”What the hell?” “What now?” and “What just happened…?”

Let me tell you, this is a good situation to be in. Conflict is normal, and you’re going to have to go through conflict if you want an enviable relationship with a man. I know it’s hard, but just trust in the process of conflict; and when you need to cry, CRY.

People who trust mediocrity, who avoid reaching their potential, resist conflict at all costs. Which is why I’m suggesting that you try to trust the process of conflict.

The key however, is how to act during the conflict so that you don’t end up taking so much value from the “relationship bank” that the relationship bank account has deficits….and he (and you) just can’t deal with each other anymore.

Now to answer your questions…

Can you give me some advice & why he said maybe you are getting bored? Is that because he is bored?

No. He is not a woman. Women sometimes make insinuations like that. For example, sometimes women will say “Maybe you are getting bored!” to a man, and inside, it is because she is getting bored.

Just like sometimes, we ask “Are you cold?” because we feel cold.

Men aren’t women; and it is more likely that he said it because he actually thinks that you are feeling bored in general and are trying to entertain yourself by saying the things you said in the argument, or make yourself feel deeper emotions (sometimes we talk or say stuff that’s not true in order to try to elicit a strong opposing response from a man, in order make ourselves feel deeper).

He could have said it because he is stressed about the death of his friend as well as being stressed and busy with work; and so his world is full of responsibilities which he perhaps feels that you are not showing understanding for, whilst he feels that you don’t have such intense responsibilities.

It could also mean he is concerned about how faithful you are to the relationship. You know him (and your relationship history) better than me though, and I don’t know him at all, so you might have a better idea of what his actual intent was in saying that you are getting bored.

As for your question “Why he swore when I said maybe he needs to miss me?”

I am not you – or your boyfriend. So I can only say what I can based on the information that I have from you.

It is possible that he said ‘F*** O**’ in response to you saying ‘maybe you need to miss me’ because what you said wasn’t attuned to the situation at hand, and because you didn’t say it to connect with him, rather, as a way to make yourself feel good (about yourself) in a scary argument.

This doesn’t mean that you are in the wrong. There’s no ‘wrong’ with having said that – I have done exactly the same kind of thing in my relationship long ago in the past. And I remember getting an intense challenging response from my man, just as intense as you experienced here (my husband was not swearing, but he challenged me because he didn’t like that I was not being real).

His response was intense enough that I have never done it again (because I have a bad association with doing that now). By ‘it’ – I mean I’ve never really just said what I think I “should” say to be significant or in control in the middle of a argument, out of fear of engaging with him fully.

Engaging is a vulnerable thing to do, and I don’t blame you (or your man) for having the coping mechanisms that you have.

With regards to what you said “maybe you need to miss me” – it’s easy to elicit an angry response from an already stressed man when you say something like this.

Why? Because you said it to take value, not to connect or engage. It’s about you, not the two of you.

And when anyone – man or woman – tries to take value from another human when they are already under stress, it often just causes more problems.

It’s just that what you said was not “real”; it wasn’t an emotion of yours. You weren’t engaging, or deepening the relationship, deepening his trust in you (or your trust in him), and you weren’t relating to him from genuine emotion.

It wasn’t your openness and vulnerability talking. It was just something you said; that didn’t connect with him, and perhaps didn’t feel attuned to the situation at hand.

Attunement…a rare and High Value thing 

There’s a price to pay for not being attuned. I know, I’ve done it enough myself to have felt the price to be paid.

There’s also a price to pay for taking value from men. The worst part about this is that many women want to be right – they don’t want to understand how they might be taking value from a man (based on his perspective). Even if we don’t feel like it’s taking value – he might.

And, is it not true that if you truly care, you’d care about that?

It could have felt to him like it was taking value.

I am not telling you this because I think you are in the wrong…I am telling you this because I feel it’s my responsibility to give you a different perspective on what happened. It’s not your fault. We’ve all done it! You are not alone. I stand with you in having done this. And it’s okay. It’s not wrong….I’m just here to hopefully try to help you understand.

Back to what you said.

Just because it can be high value to give a man the gift of missing you (which we talk about in our program, Commitment Control), does not mean that it is effective and good to say the fact straight out to him.

Even if you do think he needs to miss you! 🙂

What could you have done instead of saying, “Maybe you need to miss me”?

What could you have done instead of saying “maybe you need to miss me”?

Well again, this is a hard one, because I wasn’t there to witness it. However, in the future, you could consider if these possibilities appeal to you.

  • You could meet him where he is at and say “I know I’m acting like I was at the beginning of the relationship, and I know it seems like I’m not talking properly, but right now I can’t. I don’t mean any harm. I’m just scared/stressed/I miss you so much (CRY).
  • You could say “I’m scared right now.” Or, you could have allowed your body to sink into feeling your hurt, fear, or uncertainty; whilst staying connected to him – looking straight at him and being fully open and accepting of him.
  • You could meet him at his level and feel where he is at, as best as you can.
  • You could reach out and touch him lightly (indicates your openness and your kindness, which means you’re dark and light feminine at the same time, as long as you allow yourself to be soft and allow yourself to connect).(We talk about dark and light feminine in the members area of commitment control).
  • You could be brave and ask him if he would like a hug.

Just….connect. Connect, connect, connect. That’s what a true relationship is about. Attune and connect. Even in the middle of a painful argument. Don’t hold on to fear. Don’t lose your relationship to fear! You could be dead the next minute, and so could he.

You could also say you are sorry for what he is going through and that if you could, you would change it. And let him know you’re thinking of him.

Now to your other question: I have not tried to contact him as he is angry & I don’t want him to think he can talk to me like that & think it’s OK.

So, because he’s angry, you don’t contact him?

I understand. It’s scary when he’s angry. *hugs*

But what if underneath all that anger, he just wants to feel respected?

What if underneath all that anger, he just wants to know that he is with a woman who is willing to put herself on the line in order to be there for him?

Let’s throw away society’s rules for a minute.

I know society “tells” us that it is not okay to tell our partner to “F*** O**”. But sometimes you have to throw rules out. You have to throw the ‘norm’ out. Sometimes, in moments of anger, we say things.

Being told to f*** o** is not what matters, really. What matters is that you can practice connecting through painful, fearful times with your man.

And because you practice connecting…this then dictates how well you can both now bounce back and re-connect, and make that “pathway to re-connection” less treacherous the next time you have to go through enormous stress.

You may feel he disrespected you in telling you to f*** o**. However, he could have also felt like you disrespected him by saying “maybe you need to miss me”. That was my feeling; you are running the risk of him feeling like you don’t care, or respect him.

Is there a possibility that him saying “F*** O**” actually matched the level of hurt and disrespect that he felt from you in the moment?

Think about it. Is it possible?

He is also under stress.

Maybe his body was under so much stress and that was the best response he could have come up with.

How to move forward as a High Value Woman 

How do you more forward in a situation like this?

How do you create a relationship that other people envy?

Here are the beginning steps…

The essential question you might want to ask yourself is: “Did he have bad intent? Did he say it just to make you suffer? Did he say it because he enjoys seeing you suffer or have less self-esteem?”

If he did, then you need to consider how well he has treated you throughout the history of your time together, and ask yourself, “Was he just really angry in this moment? Or is he always this disrespectful?”

If he is always disrespectful, then feel that disrespect. Fully feel it. Don’t be numb!

Only through actually feeling, will you have the gumption to either leave him or relate to him through depth of character and emotion. Or – even to decide to communicate more vulnerably and more authentically to him.

Regardless, no matter how much you’ve been taught that it’s wrong to say f*** o** or any other profanity to someone. You have to disregard society’s restricting and short-sighted rules.

For the sake of having trust, and depth, and respect in your relationship with a man – ”what’s right” has to be tossed out at some point. We can’t be fussing about what is “right or wrong* forever. If you feel unsure of whether your man is a good man or not, here are 7 Burning Signs a Man is Being Low Value.

Rules, passion and love don’t go together.

Rules make for a restricted, but perhaps sometimes more “equal” relationship where passion and spontaneity and depth of love are not expressed.

Essentially, if you think he must never say that to you – and you let that stop you from making contact with him now, you are operating from a script. A pre-prescribed, out-dated rule.

Am I a pushover if I say sorry to him?

What to do now? There are a few options. One of them is to just say you’re sorry. You would NOT be saying this to submit, you would be saying this out of consideration for his feelings, and out of respect for your desire to connect deeper with him.

This is not a power struggle. This is adulting (being a responsible adult). This is giving. This is thinking outside of yourself, and putting yourself in his shoes.

It is a gift of your compassion and presence. Only if you want to. I am nobody to tell you what to do. This is only food for thought; this is not a script or a rule I’m giving you. I’m not here to tell you what to do; it’s just an idea.

What to do to reconnect with him

Lastly, it’s a great thing that he mentioned your 1 year anniversary coming up together! But your real task right now is to come from an emotionally resourceful place. Here are some action steps for you to consider:

1: Feel him and his situation. Feel what he might be going through. Send him love, from wherever you are. Imagine your love pouring through his bedroom window, embracing him (this is not woo woo, it’s a way to get you into a state of giving love).

2: Feel your feelings. You don’t want to go in to this with an excess of emotions that you haven’t felt from the past. If you’ve been angry at him, or hurt, then feel that in private. Get a photo of him, or go back in to your memory and allow your body and soul to feel. Why would you do this? It takes a lot of energy, but it is essential. And it’s essential because it allows you to be fresh, and present, and high value. We can’t be present when we’ve got so many of our own un-felt, unacknowledged feelings from the past. We simply cannot be responsible adults. I wish more people knew this in our world. After this, if you make contact, make sure it is from a loving, and open place.

3: Make the move to connect. You can choose a playful route, or you can choose a more serious route. Think about this. Would being playful add more value to him and your relationship? Or would being serious add more value? You may not know, and that’s okay. Just make the best decision you know how, and choose a route.

If you want to consider a High Value playful text or message, my husband has an incredible, High Value one-liner that you can text your man. Check it out here. Many of our customers have used it, and have gotten great responses.

Ultimately, it’s the quality of connection and attraction that you and your man have that matters. Not your rules for how you think he is “supposed” to act, or how you are “supposed” to act.

I commend you for taking this brave step in improving your relationship, and I wish you every success.

 

Love,
Renee
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  • Ashlyn Mirza

    Hello Renee
    This is sumwht different kind of question. ..me n my boyfriend Was talking intimate on phone n suddenly he started me comparing to his girlfriend n my girlfriend… He was praising me tht i have good figure than them… .but sumwhere i felt weird that y he is talking about them man in betwn our intimate talk.. ….after tht i told him tht i have grt body bcoz u r wit me to take care of me. …..next day I got cold n many doubts Coming… Pls tell me what shud I do

  • Jan

    Hi Renee, I am the person who messaged you this question on FB. Thank you very much for writing this article. I am really appreciate you got back. I guess he needed time to himself, we do respect each other but my guy is very old school & can’t always understand today’s generation women. He is a lot like my dad’s generation. I texted him 4 days after the argument to say” I hope everything is OK with you” and he texted back straight away & came around to see me the next day. I didn’t mention the argument at all. However he said he’s been having a weezy chest all weekend & had been to doctors. I guess it has to do with stress & season allergies.
    Thank you ever so much..

    • Oh you’re welcome! it’s nice to see you here 🙂 so happy to hear everything went okay with you two…I had a feeling that it would.

      • Jan

        😉

  • Ashlyn Mirza

    Hello Renee
    This is sumwht different kind of question. ..me n my boyfriend Was talking intimate on phone n suddenly he started me comparing to his girlfriend n my girlfriend… He was praising me tht i have good figure than them… .but sumwhere i felt weird that y he is talking about them man in betwn our intimate talk.. ….after tht i told him tht i have grt body bcoz u r wit me to take care of me. …..next day I got cold n many doubts Coming… Pls tell me what shud I do

  • Rasika Mathur

    this is an amazing article. conflict has always scared me, i blame the other for having no conflict resolution skills, i mirror what i saw my parents go thru, its horrendous. this is such a reframe and should be taught in school!!!!

    • I know. Wouldn’t it make the world a better place if the most important things were actually taught to youngsters?

  • Goodall Lesley

    Never, Never Renee. Hope your man never says that to you. A man never talks to a woman he loves that way and if she stays it will get worse with each quarrel. Walk and keep walking.

  • Brienne

    I actually married a man that would pull away like this and our marriage only lasted 4 miserable years. I would RUN as fast as I can away from this!

  • Lynn C

    Hi Renee,

    Great article!!

    Point number 2, under what to do, very important advice!! That is a practice in and of itself…like meditation…a discipline…a way of experiencing and knowing the self.

  • MANSLATION

    Hello Renee,

    My name is Claire , I’m french and I love reaing your articles cause Im learning so much.

    But can You explain differently the word ” Attunement ” please ? Cause I found the translation but I want to be sure that I understand what you really want to say.

    Thanks.

    • Hi there! Thanks for your kind words, Claire! 🙂

      Think about it like this: imagine walking a tight rope. And suddenly there’s a gust of wind – what do you do? you adjust accordingly – you adjust with what is happening.

      It means that you are not in your head. It means you are responsive to the energetic forces running through you and another person – you feel what the situation needs, you feel what they need, and you respond accordingly.

      Wanting to take something is the enemy of attunement. For example, I want my child to have my chocolate avocado smoothie, because I want to encourage him to consume healthy fats (avocado).

      At first, I make it with too much avocado and he doesn’t want it. if I want to take something for myself out of the situation (eg, if I want him to eat proportionally more avocado because I just it’s healthy for him, I adjust the smoothie, but because I’m focused on what I want, I still make it with more avocado than he would like, because it suits what I want. So he still refuses my smoothie. And I am not attuned to him.

      If, however, I feel where he is at, if I feel that he is not ready to digest so much avocado/fat, I would adjust with proportionally less avocado – because I’m going according to what HE needs). And he is more likely to drink it.

    • Nes

      Bonjour Claire (another franchie in the area 😉
      Besides from Renée’s tight rope (adjust to circumstances) and avocato smoothie examples (adjust to someone else’s needs instead of forcing your own), there’s another kind of attunement referred to here and that actually helps you get trough the whole adjustment-epic-adventure/dilema : attunement to your own emotions.
      I believe you have found the same translations that I did: être en harmonie ou en syntonie avec soi même… empathie/écoute profonde de ses émotions et des émotions des autres personnes. C’est un peu l’exercice de respiration à faire pour “se recentrer” et “être à l’écoute de soi/de ses sens” (cf. techniques de méditation): c’est pour cela que Renée explique qu’avant de foncer bille en tête, il est bon de ressentir d’abord toutes les émotions que la situation ou notre partenaire a provoquées en nous, pas seulement les intellectualiser (ruminer etc.) mais les ressentir vraiment: i.e. pleurer, donner des coups dans un coussin, tout ce qui permet de faire ressortir la douleur/colère. Autrement l’interaction sera faussée par notre besoin d’avoir de l’importance et gagner dans la dispute. Voili voilou! 😉
      bises!
      Nes

  • Eva Keller

    I agree with every words although it takes practise not to get upset but trying to walk in his shoes. Sometimes it does feel like I am a doormat but I remind myself he wasn’t doing it intentionally and when I am still talking to him and forgiving him I can feel how much he loves me.

  • Pooja Pophale

    Lovely article from a lovely woman…much love to you renee..
    And love your advice of understanding him,his stress,connecting with him…placing connection over ego and most importantly not using a script but going with the flow…all the while being connected,authentic and vulnerable.

  • Eros

    Hello, Renee. Thank you for this thoughtful article.

    Clearly, her boyfriend was dealing with a lot and spoke out of pain and anger.
    She shouldn’t take it personally, even though it felt that way.

    Which brings me to my questions:

    I see so many couples who claim to love each other and yet show no respect.
    A friend of mine told her new husband to go to hell; he remained silent,
    because this was at a wedding and he did not want to make a scene.
    And because he is a gentleman who avoids fights, especially with women.
    Luckily, no one heard her but me.
    Still, it made me cringe.

    It’s one thing to say “F off” when one is in deep pain.
    But to tell your spouse “Go to hell” esp.while out in public is another.

    How would you respond if David said that to you?
    Everyone talks about love. What about respect?

    • J.a. Ct

      The dilema with the couple in the article is that they spoke at each other, not with each other. Apparently, this happens enough for him to ensue with such comments, use such language and leave her. He felt invalidated when she said maybe he should miss her. This is true of the situation with your friend. She felt unheard and they do not communicate with each other. An emotionally mature person steps back, looks at the situation objectively and understands the situational perspective from all parties. Ninty nine percent of the time, an emotionally mature person is not ensnarled in fights. They deal with conflict in a way that is mutually respectful to all involved; they do not come from a point of ego. If we could learn to speak a little less and do more with our actions, we could change relationship dynamics without vocal war.

    • Hey Eros, thanks for your comment 🙂 I’m not sure exactly what you’re asking me…

      • Eros

        Hey, Renee. Sorry to go on.
        Your articles are such food for thought! 🙂

        Let me clarify:

        “I love you” is often a phrase many people use to cover a
        multitude of sins, including blatant acts of disrespect.

        For example, when a loved one tells you to “Go to hell”,
        like what happened to my friend, who just sat there humiliated.

        What is the best way to respond to such words?

        Thanks.

        • Well the answer depends on the context. What happened leading up to the insult, and on the relationship history (how they treat each other historically, has this insult been a long time coming, etc). It depends on the result that the insulted person wants, as well.

          • Eros

            Good point!

            They were newly married when this happened and she still acts this way towards him, years later.

            My friend treats her like gold. He was raised to be a gentleman, and she takes advantage of this fact.

            This is her way of shutting him down whenever she wants to win an argument and he just takes it in silence.

            Context doesn’t matter; it could be anything.

            So how does one handle this kind of situation if one wants to
            maintain the relationship AND keep one’s dignity?

            Yes, we all say regrettable things sometimes,
            but love and respect should go together.

            • i understand. It all looks a certain way as an observer.

              However, a man who values his rules more than the relationship is not necessarily “better” than a woman who is throwing insults around.

              She could be taking advantage of his passiveness, but let us ask…what does he get out of ‘taking it’? Just because someone seems less destructive doesn’t make them right or better.

              Now for your question – how does one handle this kind of situation if one wants to maintain the relationship AND keep one’s dignity?

              What does ‘maintain the relationship’ mean, first of all? One would need to define that. It’s important.

              And, is dignity the most important thing? Or is learning to fight back more important? Would attunement be more important?

              Someone who ‘take it’ could be totally out of sync with themselves; pushing things down to avoid conflict, so that they can maintain their own feeling of ‘safety’ and comfort and self importance. People like this can also potentially enjoy being the victim.

      • Eros

        Renee,

        My explanation is right below. Thank you.

    • Eva Keller

      I think for me that would be a deal breaker. Not because of the words but all the things behind this.