The Rareness of Loyalty and How to Find It

It can take courage to feel that somebody in our life is not in fact loyal; they are just one among the people hanging around us.

There’s a plethora of people who don’t let themselves feel the devastation and the loneliness that comes with having a sudden and accurate perception that their social network and even their family may not be loyal.

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Many people block these valuable emotions out; and then go and watch reality TV to feel good about their life. Loneliness is an authentic, painful feeling…the problem with loneliness is that it if we actually feel it – we have to surrender to pain.

So, if you are there already – if you already let yourself feel lonely – not so you can emotionally punish other people or just for the sake of complaining for attention; you are a courageous woman. You are in a better place than most people, if you can feel this and do something about it.

So…what if you feel lonely because people aren’t keeping promises or being loyal to you? For example…

When the man you love is emotionally unstable, volatile….or disappears from your life.

When previously good friends turn in to people who abandon you.

When friends value the best option that comes up over being with you.

(My husband wrote an absolutely incredible article on the 5 things every woman ought to know about men. Check it out here.)

Loyalty is value

Loyalty is value; like money is value. Except loyalty is worth much more – it’s very rare to attract loyal people in one’s lifetime. Many lovers and many friends will be far more loyal to their own rules and values about how you should be – not to your soul; to your journey.

Loyalty is also the opposite of ambition. That’s why it can feel hard in a relationship with an ambitious, driven (though sexy) man, because it always seems, no matter how much he loves you, that his mission is more than the relationship. Although, interestingly enough; you actually want him because he’s ambitious. Ambitiousness is a trait women have evolved to crave and want in a man; the ambition solved the survival problem of not having enough reliable sources of food, protection, and reliable shelter for her family and children.

Loyalty is also a virtue that is unable to be embodied when a person values instant gratification over depth, character and genuine relationship. Sometimes, (and I’m assuming you’ve known people like this before), people start chasing the next best option, and get addicted to life’s next chaotic moment so young and so early in their life that developing any meaningful relationship eludes them forever.

Loyalty is harder to give when one perceives that they are bored and life is boring; yet don’t listen to the message that the boredom is sending.

Stimulation and new options are more appealing than the tiresome virtue of feeling boredom or loneliness. I did say loneliness; please don’t equate it with neediness. They are very different; one is taking value, the other is felt authentically regardless of whether we can get anything back.

Loyalty is a highly evolved human value

Loyalty is even harder to give for most humans, because…it’s an evolved emotion, and it’s an evolved value, that goes beyond the self. It’s not about me. Loyalty: It’s about us. It’s about what we build together. It’s about being vulnerable to each other. That’s loyalty.

And vulnerability is value to both men and women in relationships – I want to be clear that vulnerability is not just something that men like in women. We just like it expressed in different ways to each other.

Loyalty can’t be faked.

If you are the loyal type of person, then it’s possible to pick whether or not someone also has that value in the first few times you meet them.

It doesn’t matter if someone markets themselves as a very loyal lover and friend – a lot of people do market themselves like this – how often do you encounter these smooth talking people, only to find that as soon as things get tough or that you aren’t stimulating anymore, they emotionally check out from the relationship?

Or disappear altogether?

Loyal people have a feel to them. And disloyal people have a feel to them. They are very different. Don’t you feel the same?

Loyal people know themselves; you can’t be loyal if you are all over the place and disconnected from the core of who you are; you can’t be loyal when you block these things out.

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Loyalty also can’t exist when a person refuses to consider the consequences of following their impulses and immediate gratification. See why it is so rare for humans to be loyal? We are often impulsive – or to put it nicely – spontaneously pleasure seeking beings.

The friend who suddenly has another “better” option crop up, and you had already made plans with them.

The man who valued the instant gratification of a woman who offered him sex or validation, over staying present and working on it with you.

The friend who is lazy and scared; so can’t come to see you when you had previously made plans to meet them.

A person who is loyal will often give it selflessly, simply because that is what they value. It’s a practised state; something that requires faith – and depth.

The problem with loyalty: it didn’t get our genes passed on

It takes a strong person to give loyalty. Loyalty didn’t get our genes passed on over the millions of years that we humans have existed. Loyalty could have costed our ancestors greatly.

let’s say you have the problem of finding reliable food, and you decide to stay loyal to an emotionally unstable cave man who could simply decide off the cuff not to get off the cave man couch that day to hunt for any food.

Yeah. Loyalty to that dude over any length of time could have costed your entire genetic future; your genes may die out permanently as you and your children could starve or be more vulnerable to predators.

And all you get is the memory of your loyalty. Of course, we don’t have such survival problems and food problems today; although we are still strongly attracted to non lazy, ambitious men.

Loyalty is not always glamorous

Loyalty is not glamorous. People will often joke or sneer at a woman or man who is loyal; as if they are losing something by being loyal to someone who doesn’t seem worthy of it (but could very well be).

Loyalty often means sacrificing glamour and popularity for depth.

I believe truly loyal people are not afraid of befriending pain. They’ve been there, they’re not afraid to go there.

There’s a difference of course, between a high value person who chooses to gift someone with their loyalty and a person who seems loyal, but is only sticking around somebody because they feel like don’t have any other options.

A loyal person perhaps, can recognise when they weren’t loyal, and can apologise, and deal with that situation. That is also important.

A loyal person can handle their lover’s hurt. (that includes women being able to handle their man being hurt by her). This is something I have found painful to deal with in the past in my own marriage with my lover…when he was hurt, do I value my feelings of failure and guilt over hurting him? Or do I value feeling and sharing his pain, so he gets the gift of knowing that I do in fact care, and always will care?

How or why would someone become a loyal person?

Loyalty can be learned, often through many painful experiences – we find that loyalty is all we have. We can’t scamper around looking to take value from the world for too long before we begin to experience some crushing pain and rejection.

Loyalty can be offered when one has self esteem, courage and confidence, which a small number of people truly have.

If your ego doesn’t come first, then loyalty is easier to offer. (Another problem: men with large egos: we like them because of their egos. So just remember that; life is full of contradictions.)

If you can make fun of yourself, die for what you believe in, give up the very thing that your nervous system just CAN’T give up – for someone you love and trust, then you are loyal.

Your oldest and deepest rules about how people “should” be, for example, are a huge barrier to you being able to offer loyalty.

If you think your man should somehow text you back always, within 2 hours, yet he doesn’t text back all day for legitimate reasons – and texting you back would have cost him his focus (which feels like life or death in the masculine brain) – then you lose your relationship in that moment and possibly forever if this is repeated long enough.

Click here to learn in depth about what men deeply crave from you

Loyalty is choosing to love that person as a soul; no matter their circumstances

Loyalty is not pleasing someone when you fear someone leaving you – that is simply fear.

Loyalty is feeling what it’s like to lose everything and everyone around you – knowing they are dying slowly from the moment they are born.

Loyalty is feeling loneliness – so that you have room for the ones you love – because when you distract yourself with superficial parties, facebook comparisons and superficial friends and superficial cosmetic make overs – you don’t get to feel that pain. You get to indulge in the illusion of actually having something, having a full life, being someone, and being popular.

When all of us are just as human as the next. All of us are going to die. No amount of popularity or superficial masks will ever, ever change the truth.

More than anything, loyalty is beautiful. Because it is sacrifice.

Let’s say your man is being screwed over at work; not getting a raise he was promised, never having his skills appreciated and it is costing you both income and health.

Yet – he refuses to leave the work place; after years of enduring being there.

What would be loyal in this situation?

You getting angry over his weakness for not leaving?

Or you understanding that no matter what; he has reasons for what he’s doing, and you can nourish his soul by seeing him as the best man around even when he’s down?

If you thought getting angry was the more loyal option, well, it isn’t.

And you either choose to be loyal and gift his soul as I described, so that he can gain the internal resources to reciprocate and give back to you – or move on because you’ve clearly chosen the wrong man.

How to choose the right people to be loyal to

Very often, when we look at ourselves, (especially as women, because we operate from guilt so much) – we begin to realise we could be doing more or being more; and this is not an unhealthy thing.

I want you to have the strength to choose the right people to be loyal to. I don’t want you to be a pleaser.

So how do you do that? First you test to see if somebody is willing to invest in the connection with you – of course, you shouldn’t expect someone to open up a great deal if your connection with them is still beginning. What you’re testing for is if they value the connection/reciprocation when you are vulnerable to them or open to connection with them.

This is called the reciprocation test. And if you want to learn more about inspiring a man to be more loyal to you, join our members in the commitment control area.

Here is what you need to do:

Find out if someone is willing to give proportionate loyalty back to you when you offer your vulnerability first. In other words: Give something first. By doing this – you get to learn about people when you give something; you get to see if they are at all serious about getting to know you or reciprocating.

How to do this? Eg: if it’s a friend, you treat them to a coffee or dinner first, because you enjoy being a giver (because that’s who you are); and if they never care enough to say a big genuine thank you, to appreciate it or to return the gesture…or worse; lose contact with you; then you get to see that this person isn’t in the right place to give you loyalty.

In fact – if someone is only in it to take value from you – they will never reciprocate. If they have decent values; or are interested in the relationship with you to any level, you’ll see an attempt to reciprocate.

What about if it’s a man you’re trying to test?

Well, if it’s a man: you give something first such as listening to him, paraphrasing what he says and trying to understand his position. And then, you share a short story or a fear, and see if he’s willing to give you his presence and time.

You can also show a vulnerability: that you are sick and can’t meet him because you can barely move from the couch but invite him to watch a movie with you; if he can be there when you can’t offer sex then he has some loyalty.

If a man is interested in you as a person, he will be able to offer his presence – not just compliments, not just flowers or a meal, not just sex. The key is presence.

Not even taking you to see his family or friends. Presence. Presence is the hardest to give – this matters more than flowers and a nice dinner out; as exciting as they are 😉 and I know it’s always nice to be treated to those things that require a man’s money.

Don’t lose hope too quickly

I am curious: how often do you feel that people really give loyalty? How often do others – men or women, children and even parents – really show loyalty?

In a world where people are focused on taking what they can from others without realising how taking just empties the friendship or relationship bank account…what are we to do?

Try to recognise if you have a habit of experiencing a knee-jerk reaction of anger and hate when someone is disloyal.

Sometimes, people are the reciprocating kind of people; people who do want to be genuine and develop a relationship with you; but they are going through a period where they can’t give that, or a period where they don’t value relationships.

Just because one human can’t give it; doesn’t mean every human being is like that. There really are gems out there who are loyal, just like you. Have the courage to believe.

Only the catch is: they actually want loyalty from you, too.

What can we do to attract loyal people?

What can we do to attract a loyal friend, or a loyal man?

Here’s what we can do:

– Be a person who is willing to get out of herself and add value to others first. People will naturally be attracted to you. For those who don’t know my work: value is not money; in fact, if someone wants your money – or values money over a relationship with you, then you need to re-consider them. One of the highest forms of value that you can give is simple genuine connection: it could be in total silence; it’s just the intent to connect, not to impress, or dominate, or compete as most of the world tries to do – it’s an intent to connect.

– Be discriminative of who you’re willing to give to – loyal people naturally get to this point anyway, because they realise most people are crappy. Other loyal people feel it if you feel the need to be friendly, open, flirty and to gain status and approval from everyone. That’s not loyalty, it’s something else – it is fear and superficiality and being insensitive.

– Meet different people in different places. If we keep ourselves safe and holed up, holding on to past bad boyfriends or bad friends…and wasting valuable time and energy on what isn’t working, it’s our own life that we waste. And the time that could be going to investing in people who do value loyalty.

(ask yourself: “If I had 5 other friends, 1 or 2 of whom are loyal, would I still chase this friendship or person?” Better still – ask someone else that question and get them to answer it for you. We often can’t be honest with ourselves, so the reflection of others can be handy.)

– Ask yourself: “Have I spent more time asking for what I want and need in this relationship, more than leaning inward to truly understand where my friend/lover is at and what they want to experience with me?

– Be loyal first. Relax in to desperation and temptation and the desire to always chase what’s new and exciting, find out what you’re really feeling and face it. Sometimes these seemingly flashy and cool things in life come at a big price.

– Never make decisions out of fear or a lack of self esteem. It’s the least resourceful place to enter in to a relationship or friendship from.

– If you are impulsive, which (I know what it’s like to be impulsive), focus more on infiltrating your body with deep breath and relaxation, and in the process, becoming a sensitive person. Sensitivity is important for relationships to last. Our impulses can have huge consequences – especially if we say things out of anger, self doubt, resentment, envy…

And finally, don’t be loyal if you don’t want to be. Sometimes, we are not ready. We don’t have to be loyal. Loyalty is not for everybody in every stage of life.

And if you really are a loyal person, and value loyalty at all costs (ie: being loyal yourself, not just demanding loyalty from others)…remember that disloyal people exist as a contrast…if there were no disloyal people in the world, we would not see the value of loyal people. Disloyal people are also valuable for that very reason.

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Love,

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  • Bongstar420

    I guess I should assume by “loyalty,” you actually mean “monogamous?”

  • Easyst17

    Protip: If you want to find someone who is loyal, you probably need to display those traits. It seems like I am more likely to be mauled by a jungle cat in a major American city than run into a woman who won’t cut and run when things are going anything less than stellar.

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  • Anna C

    Hi Renée, what a multifaceted article as always. There are so many gems of truth in this article I cannot begin to comment on all of them. Firstly what you said about feeling the guilt and failure of hurting your husband, and finding out that being with him and feeling his pain is much better and feeling your own guilt and failure, that I learned a lot. I’ve been struggling with that. Every time I hurt my future husband I feel like such a failure. But thanks to your article, next time, I will try to be with him and feel his pain, and learn to understand him better. and thanks to you I learned how to be a little more loyal to him as well. As he struggles with work I’m always there to support him. I’m always there to make him feel great when he comes home. But there are some circumstances where I get a little impatient because we can’t move forward. I admit this hardship but I never blame him. Now I know that the ultimate test of loyalty is to be kind to him, because he does what he does for his own reasons. I know he’s trying to settle these as fast as he can. Sometimes it is hard but the struggle will make us better, and will make our relationship more exciting as David says.

    The last thing I want to comment is about loyalty and the contrast with disloyalty. There are some people in my life where I feel extremely loyal to, and some people work I showed disloyalty because I don’t want to continue their friendship. It always hurts when they try to hold on. I struggle with showing my disloyalty you’re cutting them off altogether. But now I realize that I might be doing them a favor by showing them this contrast and hopefully teaching them what loyalty really is; and it’s not me. He taught us that we have to be true to ourselves and it’s OK if were disloyal at this moment; it is the best we can do. Thank you for helping us understand that we give all of ourselves to those who we want to be loyal to, and we might not give all of ourselves to others, and that’s OK. It’s all about the best we can do. But most of all I want to thank you for all your help in making my relationship with my future husband the best relationship I’ve ever had, and all the time she go together and all the times I choose to love him over my fears, it has really been a worthwhile and fortuitous journey. And it is made much brighter and much richer by you. say hello to David and Tyson and the upcoming addition to your family. Much love, Anna.

    • Thanks for your comment Anna, I enjoyed reading your response! x

  • Sara Mayor

    I’ve been reading your work for a long time now Renee, and before that I read Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Anderlin. I just love this stuff more than I can say- it is so frustrating and time consuming and dishonest to live expecting men to be like us. We know they are not, and yet we continue to enforce feminine rules in our partnerships and demand equality and compromise and sharing. Not knowing that in doing so, we are literally cutting our partnership in half, SEPARATING our contributions to it so that they can be weighed and measured. Ugh. It all seems to come down to a fear of being “ripped off” or used by our partner.

    My question is, how did we get here? While not perfect, our grandmothers were a lot better at vulnerability and understanding men than we are. What happened? Is it simply feminism and the adoption of a masculine lifestyle? Is it evolution- and related to changing distributions of resources? Ultimately, I’m wondering if we can change it, if we can teach our daughters to understand men when those around them tell them they shouldn’t have to, that men should deliver or get lost. We only have one little boy so far, but I think if we have a daughter I would be really worried about her.

    • Sometimes, we have to move in zig zags to get to a better place. 🙂 I believe it’s all part of the evolution of humans learning to relate and connect.

      Our grandmothers may seem to have understood men better, and I get how you see it like this – but there were costs to women for living life the way they did in our grandmother’s day.

      Perhaps they had no choice but to “understand” men because they relied on men more. Perhaps also – they didn’t understand all the time – it may just be that our grandmothers were better at swallowing their pride. Or being submissive. I’m not saying that’s a good thing; it’s just a few thoughts on the matter.

  • Jessica W

    This is a geat article Renee. I love your blog. As far as loyalty is concerned, I put people in the category of a tree. The majority of people are the leaves on the tree. They take from the tree and give shade every now and then. When the wind blows, they’re on one side and unstable. The season changes, they wither and die and are gone. Some are like the branches. You have to be careful with the branches. They seem like they’re strong. The minute you step out on them, they’ll break and leave you high and dry. If you have people that are like the roots, you are blessed and hold on to them. They’re not going anywhere and don’t care about being seen. Without roots, a tree can not live. If a person is trying to change to become more than a leaf, keep them around. If not, let them go.

  • Faithann Straub

    LOVE the new article Renee! I get so excited when I see a new article in my inbox, I drop everything, grab a cup of tea and I don’t move until I’ve read it all. I’m only 18 and I accidentally subscribed to your articles a few years ago somehow (huge blessing). I just wanted to say your wise words have completely changed my life and not a day goes by where I don’t use something I’ve learned from you. You help me know myself better. I will take what I have learned from the feminine woman with me for the rest of my life. I am eternally grateful for the hard work and time you put into this. Lots of love, Faithann

    • Thank You, Faithann. Your words mean a lot.

    • Anna C

      Dear Faithann, I want to say that I am the exact same way when it comes to Renee’s articles!! I have to read, and focus on them , and it’s so fun to do it in a comfy place with a cup of tea. As a long time reader of renée’s work, I encourage you to keep reading, as she has given me so much advice over the years through Her programs and articles that I now found the perfect man for me and our relationship is so much fun. When I first started reading, I was actually in a long term relationship with another man, who was difficult. But through this difficulty I learned to undeestand men, and grow to the point where I realised I deserved better, then left and found my Prince Charming. Men respond to the energy you put out, continually build attraction & connection, and adding value to the relationship with fun are the most valuable lessons I’ve learned from Renée. Keep reading!

  • janked

    Amazing post. If it weren’t on a romance advice blog, I’d be reposting it on my own social media accounts. I suffer from extreme loyalty – to the point of enduring too much emotional pain that should required of any person. I’m much more selective now about who to give that loyalty too. I had to learn that lesson.

  • Primrose Kamikazi Mugisa

    Wow, thanks Renee, I have truly learnt a lot about being loyal. My problem is, I tend to attract disloyal people, but now that am aware of what to do, I know now what to look for in meeting loyal people.

    • 🙂 that’s great Primrose! And it’s a common problem, don’t worry.

  • Eden Salilig

    Dang. I love this so much!!! You never fail to enlighten me with every article that you put out, Renee.

  • Maria

    Hi Renee
    I like this article a lot. It is coming to me at a time where I have just changed and continue to change a huge number of things in my life… And much of it in the past 6 months!! I recently sold my business, a bakery, because my heart and energy were ready to move on. I got engaged to a dear man who wants to provide a wonderful life for us. I moved out of my apartment and into a beautiful home that he both purchased and remodeled for us. Our wedding is less than a month away… I’ve made sooooo many beneficial changes over the past couple years. I know this is long! But I want to thank you. Yes, and might as well be in this comment :). You, Renee, helped me a lot. It pretty much started when I left my former husband a few years ago. Feeling really dumpy and down, I searched on the Internet to see what I could learn. I dreamed about doing way better for myself. Never wanting to be in that low place again, I started reading your blog and a few others. And thank god for you (and the other pretty deep people who really just want to help folks have better relationships) I gained some wonderful knowledge. I read your blog avidly and so do a few of my girlfriends. I really hardly knew anybody in my close circle that had succeeded with relationships. Most of my family and friends have been so unhappy really. It was so helpful to have guidance to where I needed to be and how to show up in order to bring that which I wanted into my life. So, thank you again, immensely. I will continue to read and learn, and hopefully share more now and then. On to the loyalty part…My sweetie has shown over and over his loyalty to me. I’ve changed some of my friendships as a result. I feel I am showing up more maturely and far stronger. And, while I am keeping friendships alive and well, I do not place the same emphasis or expectations on my friendships – as if it’s less about need now and more about enjoyment of their time. That said things changed drastically with my mom recently. Her way has been to criticise me deeply, so I have been not showing up as much with her and she is reacting. I wrote her a letter and let her know I would not accept the critical behaviour any longer because it made me feel so crappy. Haven’t heard a word since. It makes me sad and wish for better but I cannot put any expectations on her at all, she acts like a spoiled child most of the time. In any case I keep an open heart and have kept true to myself and needs. So this article really resonated. Awesome. Thanks for thinking about these things and putting them out there. You are an empath!

    • Hi, Maria,
      It’s cool that you wrote your mom a letter – you need that stand as much as she does. And the fact that you haven’t heard from her – isn’t it frustrating? Or are you past that? It’s good that you thought that you can’t put any expectations on her…with some people, that’s the truth; we learn to not expect anything anymore. And to treat them as the person we think they should be. 🙂

      GREAT news about your engagement! It is so exciting! And good on you for finding him. X

      • Maria

        Wow, thanks for writing back! Yes frustrating. But she is not so aware of her emotions which tend to overwhelm her. I’m really hoping for some positive communication on both of our sides before the wedding. Thanks Renee, peace and love, Maria

  • Suelynn

    You seem like you genuinely want to help women and that is great ! Some of your original stuff is great . But this article was a bit too long and lost the plot a few times in my opinion because of that I didn’t engage with the article . Also , some of the language you have used in some of your articles is not very “feminine ” . It devalues your point of being feminine and in feminine energy when you use bad language , even if it is to serve a purpose .

  • Caelle

    Woaw such an beautiful article ! ( I’m french, but I want to try to comment with my perfect englishh 😉 )

    I
    really feel that sometimes I’m not a very loyal person, That really
    awful to say ! Because when we think about loyalty we think only about
    commitment to a man etc.. But that not also that .

    I really feel
    inside (first) a lack of loyalty of myself ( like to say something like
    ” I’m not going to make that mistake again ” ) sometimes. And when I
    understand more that lack of loyalty to myself I got that ” wake up call
    ” who say to me ” You are not loyal when you said you going to come an
    then you say no ” and several time it’s not because I have a better
    option it’s because I’m tired of something LOL

    But I think, we have to accept that part of us and when we accept it we can take a better way.

    Love from France. <3

    • Very interesting, thank you for your comment Caelle! <3