Why It’s OK (And Even Attractive) For Women To Cry Any Damn Time

its okay to cry

Isn’t life better and easier when you don’t cry?

Aren’t you stronger and cooler than the damsels in distress who cry to get their way? Isn’t it better to have things handled?

People will like you more if you’re a non-crying cool girl, right?

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Bullshit. On the surface, people will like you more because you’re agreeable and don’t reflect their own difficult emotions back to them. But if you keep things superficial all the time, who can really be there for you when you are down?

There’s nothing wrong with being superficial when life calls for it, because in a world so heavily populated, we are constantly around people who could feel threatening — people we don’t know very well, and people we don’t want to know very well. But there is something damaging about choosing not to feel loss or any other emotion that you routinely avoid, thereby making superficiality and numbness your second-by-second, daily habits.

What is the importance of crying, anyway? When you allow it to happen, over time it gives you greater sensitivity. When you have greater sensitivity, you experience the depth and richness of all emotions. Without the willingness to cry, you risk living as a perpetually stressed and closed human being. And when human beings (more so women) are stressed and closed, they aren’t as inviting and as attractive as they could be, because part of what’s attractive about women is how open and un-stressed they appear to men.

A small aside: Don’t think of all this as “trying too hard to attract men.” Think of it as giving your gift: a gift that’s more true to your essential core, a gift that’s more aligned with your authentic energy — which is easier to access when you’re not stressed.

Crying is extremely important for your health, and for your ability to relate to a man and to yourself. For example, it’s no surprise that scientists now report crying makes nine out of 10 people feel better, reduces stress and keeps the body healthy. They even suggest that tears may be a way for the body to cleanse itself of chemicals that build up during emotional stress.

What’s wonderful also is that crying may be a way for us to induce physical contact with another human being (the very reason we sometimes avoid crying, for fear of intimacy and having to face our real selves). And touch, of course, is also known to improve our health.

Notice how you feel when you touch someone (or have gone without touch for a long time). There’s something about not being touched for a while that makes us feel dead, and something about touch from a friend or a lover that makes us feel vulnerable and connected (I can literally feel the effects of the “love” hormone oxytocin when my husband and I simply touch hands).

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If you’re not crying regularly, something is very wrong and inauthentic; and I mean wrong in the context of your relationship with yourself and your relationship with other humans. Here’s why: The ability to cry — in pleasure or pain — shows how alive and responsive you are.

The practice of crying (or at least regularly feeling loss, or any emotion that you know you habitually avoid), is a powerful place to be, because it means you’re present, not dissociated or numb. It means that you’re on the ball, and able to make good decisions informed by your body — because your body doesn’t lie to you — as opposed to decisions informed through the stress of “over-thinking” them.

Crying shows how open you are, and how open you are is proportionate to how many genuine men you attract into your life. Not just men, but friends, too. It shows how open you are to what’s real and raw. It shows how open you are to your feelings.

If you can’t be open to your feelings, then you generally can’t handle anyone else’s either. For example, people who are habitually closed — or worse, hateful or resentful — often don’t keep loyal relationships because they’re not even able to be loyal to themselves, to their own feelings.

Notice that I say habitually closed, because it’s not being closed that’s damaging in itself. It’s the perpetual practice of being closed that is bad for us, because it deprives us of living authentically.

More specifically, the more we keep our own emotions at arm’s length, the more we diminish or destroy our ability to handle a deep and devoted relationship. This is the definition of superficiality.

When we don’t cry, or when we’re unable to let ourselves cry, our energy is closed, and we are avoiding the deeper places in ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with this; at work, for example, we often need to be superficial. But this fact in itself should be enough, at times, to make you cry. For example: Why can’t I punch that annoying customer in the face? It can be frustrating, or even painful. We live in a society where we have to suppress emotions, especially at work or at functions. This alone is frustrating enough to make me cry.

We are human beings, and human beings, with the possible exception of elephants, are the only species known to produce tears for emotional reasons. We need to be able to cry. We need the honesty and the freedom not to judge ourselves for crying, even in public. Sometimes, in public, I have tears in my eyes. And it’s OK.

Your Daily Practice: 15 Minutes Feeling What You Avoid The Most

Am I suggesting you go out and cry in public? No! I am suggesting that each day, in a safe place where nobody can hurt or distract you, you put aside 15 minutes to bring up a memory, a song, a loss in your life — and feel it. For what purpose? For you and the people you love, so that you have a more infinite quality of life. If you’re numb, it doesn’t matter how many sexy holidays you go on; your quality of life will be shit to average, at best.

Most of us keep a few particular emotions — especially loss — far away, unless they’re forced upon us. But loss is everywhere, every second. And if you are open and sensitive to loss in its many forms, you have character and strength. You naturally have a more expansive quality of life because you’re sensitive, and sensitivity across the board means a greater openness to pleasure as well as pain.

Many people go through life hardly ever crying, just going through the daily motions and forgetting that they are human. Many of these people, because they push any uncomfortable emotion down and away, also treat their loved ones like shit.

You’ve been around people like this, right? People whose eyes are perpetually absent when you’re talking to them, people who consistently judge others just to avoid their own raw emotions? People who blame everyone else just so they can avoid their own feelings of failure? Jump onto Youtube and read the video comments; the haters there are these people, who perpetually avoid their own rawness and realness.

Is It Necessary To Cry Each And Every Day?

So, am I saying that you actually need to break down in tears on a daily basis? Well, not exactly. Because if you’re an overachiever, you might be upset with yourself if you can’t do it. What I am suggesting is that you put aside fifteen minutes of your day in order to feel emotions, like any of the following, that are crucial to reducing your stress and improving your attractiveness and your ability to have a devoted relationship:

  • loss
  • ecstasy
  • pleasure
  • pain
  • anger
  • yearning
  • desperation
  • self-loathing
  • humiliation
  • embarrassment

Incidentally, even feelings like ecstasy can bring up tears. But because pleasure in various forms is made wrong for many people from early childhood, sometimes we shy away from it — without even realizing it — for fear that allowing ourselves to feel it would make us disgusting in some way.

I honestly believe, without any hard scientific evidence to back myself up, that tears are the external sign of our self-erected walls melting. It’s a process of going from “separate self” to “connected” and/or “authentic self.” Sometimes, crying is a sign of saying “YES” to openness — and “YES” to life.

But the most important reason we need to feel what we habitually avoid every day is that if we don’t, we become hardened. We lose touch with our lives. And when this happens, we lose everything: We lose ourselves, we lose our value as open, alive, and therefore attractive and sensual women. We lose our ability to be sexy and spontaneous and pleasured women. (We become dull, uninviting, and uninspiring). We lose moments — and the richness — of life.

When we are numb, we become the irrelevant idiots who treat life as if there’s always “more time.” We think it doesn’t matter that we’re getting older because “I don’t look my age.” And we treat our children and our lovers as if they will always be there.

But when we give ourselves permission to feel loss, to cry, to breathe into ecstasy, pleasure, shame and humiliation — and to overwhelm jealousy and hate — we eventually get to the place where we realise, not just intellectually but in a visceral way, that nothing we have is guaranteed. Not even our existence.

Nothing we have is everlasting, except who we are. Everything — money, lifestyle, gorgeous boyfriend or gorgeous children — can be taken from us by forces beyond our control. So, if you were to approach all your interactions, your life, and even yourself with this understanding, would you show up differently? If you could recognise that loss is everywhere… that every single day, every single moment, is gained and lost… it would be painful — but isn’t it also empowering?

Whether you can open to your emotions and cry makes all the difference to how deeply attractive, graceful and mature you are. It makes all the difference to how well you treat yourself and others, and how much depth of character you have. So don’t search for things to make yourself “feel better.” This is what most people do. Allow for things that make you feel loss.

Fifteen minutes a day. Go.

Then leave me a comment so I can experience what you did. Really, you’d be giving me a gift, too.

Do you want to know what’s keeping your man from committing to you? Find out from the Commitment Masterclass, click here and register to watch for free.

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  • Super Janice

    We should cry but I think crying is simply OK, not attractive.
    I cannot cry in pleasure. I can only cry in pain and shame.

  • Super Janice

    I agree that we should cry. However, I can only cry in pain!

  • J.a. Ct

    “But this fact in itself should be enough, at times, to make you cry. For
    example: Why can’t I punch that annoying customer in the face? It can
    be frustrating, or even painful. We live in a society where we have to
    suppress emotions, especially at work or at functions. This alone is
    frustrating enough to make me cry.”

    I think there is a conflict of pure emotion and ego here. The only reason why violence occurs is due to ego. Something(s) we lack in ourselves is mirrored in another person and we recognize it. It makes us uncomfortable, angry and want to cry sometimes. What we need to recognize is people go through their own life path with its struggles and challenges. If we understand this, then said situations will not take such a hold on our daily lives.

    I am naturally a problem solver and have a bottle top personality. I show incredible patience. I tend to cry when I am totally overwhelmed.

    • Super Janice

      Good!

  • Miranda Renée Horton

    I am a big crier. Almost anything sets me off and normally people kind of politely shame you for this. People roll their eyes about the fact that I can’t escape a movie dry eyed or that i cry sometimes just because something is so adorable or sometimes for no reason I can fathom. I love that I can cry though and it doesn’t make me weak. I would just feel dead inside if I had to bottle up my emotions. I have no idea how men do it.

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  • Sara McGuire Catino

    Since my husband died, I have been able to feel so deeply the intense pain of losing him. It has changed me and opened me in ways I may never have, including shedding that tough girl exterior. So, in my opinion, everything you said in this beautiful article is right on!

  • Just Me

    Interesting article. I’m a woman, yet I don’t experience on a regular basis these great swings in emotions that you describe. When the feelings come–either negative or positive–I ride them out like a wave, being present to them. But, I can’t force it. It is what it is. I’m neither depressed, nor pathologic in this, though. I believe there is nothing wrong with me, anymore than there is anything wrong with a woman (or man) who leans towards the more emotionally passionate side. I’m not stunted, emotionally constipated, or anything. I’m just a different shade of the rainbow, and I’m okay with that.

    It’s taken some time to to accept this about myself, that I may not identify as “classically feminine.” Quite a lonely road when you have to write your own rules about who you are–but I would rather be alone than not be at peace with who I am. But, fortunately, I met and married a wonderful man who had to write his own rules, too. We’re partners in this life, best friends, and ardent lovers of each other. Neither he nor I would want it any other way.

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  • Kaoru

    Thank you for this article 🙂

  • Mona

    Yesterday I was listening to this song:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iaAMTPRCvY
    For me, this is is vulnerability and feminity at its purest and finest, weakness that emanates strength at the same time.
    I started crying, but it didn’t stop at 15 minutes, I carried on for hours and hours.
    I was crying for every woman who had been in that situation like that song describes (and that’s almost all women in the western world), and for the pain both and men go through purely because the women are never told how to avoid continuously being one in many, and the fact that it is relatively easy makes it even more tragic.
    For the little girls who are being brainwashed by the media that they have to look a certain way to be valuable, and for the men who will never meet a woman they will feel completely at home with.
    For the old women and men sitting lonely in their homes, either because they are widowed or they never had anyone special.
    Over the fact that we all going to get old and die in a relatively short time.
    Over the fact that I quit playing the piano as a child because it caused tension between my parents (my dad was a musician, my mum not, and she was conscious about it, so I felt if I would have carried on she would have felt even more left out.
    The list is endless.
    I have to add that I am always aware of my feelings and do cry regularly (normally not so long though), so it’s not like I have bottled it up for ages and that’s why it came out so intensely.
    I now feel like I want to reach out to everybody, even those people who I don’t like and who don’t like me and are perhaps nasty. Everybody is wounded it some way. I hope this feeling will last, I don’t want to lose it.

  • I love this article about crying. i am an emotional lady,so i feel every emotion deeply,even if i try to avoid any emotion

  • Jessica

    I cry when I’m happy, sad, frustrated and angry. I don’t care about people calling me weak because of it. If we couldn’t cry, we might as well be dead. I don’t make fun of people when they cry. My husband cried in front of me. I told him it was ok to cry in front of me because I will not laugh at him. To me, a man who cries shows that he is a real man who’s not afraid to be vulnerable. Let it out because it will make you feel better and cleanse your weary soul.

    • Super Janice

      I don’t cry when I’m happy!

  • Daniella

    I love this article about crying. I’ve realized i feel more love & compassion when i stopped being numb & started crying when i was hurt. It feels good! Thank you Renee!

  • Rose

    Thanks for the post Renee.

    I have been studying the different temperaments and the easiest to cry is the melancholy, while the one likely to view crying negatively is the choleric temperament.

    Food for thought.

  • Eka

    Yes, i’m a cryer and i’m proud if it. My family really resist for me to cry, accused me of being weak. Well i don’t care, because i know fully the difference of being weak and strong, and also the power of being weak too! (Thanks to you, Renee)

    Crying is beautiful. Very similar with what you’ve said, it feels like melting and moving.

    • Kat

      Beautifully said, Eka! I completely agree.

  • fara

    I am glad. Thank you for writing such beautiful articles. To me they also have this strange synchronicity that freaks me out a little. And thanks for responding. I wish you and your family a very lovel day.

  • madhu

    Hey Reene,i want to ask you something,suppose there is a boy who is my best friend and one day he met with an accident,now as iam emotional, iwill feel sorry for him and want to ask him how he is feeling,take medicines,be careful while driving etc and seeing such an active,funny ,humorous boy in bed with bandage may make me cry and drop two or more tears.so now problem is that….this best friend may feel i love him which is wrong as m only showing sympathy, and my girlfriends also start teasing why are you worrying so much??? you are in love….so to avoid such situations i try to always hide my real emotions inside myself so am i doing right please answer i really need solution for my emotional nature.

  • madhu

    Iam an emotional lady,so i feel every emotion deeply,even if i try to avoid any emotion,people can guess it through my face and vibes. but i avoid crying infront of people or friends because i feel i will appear as weak.But every day i introspect myself,review what happened throughout the day and if something hurts me, i cry my heart out like a little baby,then i feel relaxed,my mind gets cleansed and i sleep with peace and calm mind.

  • Tiff

    “We live in a society where we have to suppress emotions, especially at work or at functions. This alone is frustrating enough to make me cry.”

    Exactly! I had a good cry after work today because it’s stressful, and I work in an open office where everyone needs to ‘on’ in masculine mode all the time. Im still on probation. The saddest part was being asked out loud by a man whether I had a good day and I had to muster up a fake smile and say “good” because everyone is eavesdropping and my trainer who yelled at me today was right there…of course I’m not gonna say ” it was overwhelming and at some parts of the day I wasn’t coping and I just need some chocolate and compassion.” Just how DO women retain femininity in the workplace? The corporate world does not feel like a safe place to bring out my authentic, gentle nature and I hate it most of the time.

    So yes please thank you, I shall cry, after a long day of pretending to be capable and emotionally unfazed by neverending performance assessment – it’s like taking off a suffocating mask.