Sometimes when a man pulls away, it’s because there was no actual emotional attraction in the first place.
When there isn’t enough attraction and connection in a dating situation, things will fizzle out – no matter how much we want to hold on.
In these situations, when a man pulls away, it means that we should let it go.
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Usually, when the relationship was based on sex and perhaps, just convenience in the beginning – it’s a good sign that he’s pulling away forever.
But very often, men pulling away isn’t a bad thing.
Women just think it is – because they think they shouldn’t have this problem in a relationship.
Further still, they think having this problem is wrong.
Men pull away for very good reason. Because it’s what they need to do to be true to their natural rhythm and equilibrium in their masculine body.
When men become involved with a relationship and go deeper, it’s natural to have them pull away – even after marriage and many years together.
Time together or marriage doesn’t guarantee a man will do what is convenient for us and convenient for our feelings.
A man pulling away – It’s a continuous thing that will happen over a woman’s lifetime if she chooses to be with a man.
With trust built up over the years, he may pull away less and less. Especially when he hasn’t got important things asking for his attention.
And yet – men still withdraw – it is a part of our man and woman journey together.
Will you ever be able to trust ANY man to be more responsive?
And yet – he will still pull away, he will just be more responsive if he trusts you.
The way to get a man to be more responsive is:
1) For trust to be built between the two of you; and
2) For you to communicate your need and appreciation for him to be close and to respond to you as soon as he can – so that you can also trust him. The tricky thing is that sometimes trust has to exist between you before you can get a favourable response from him to your needs.
Generally, a man will stay close to a woman if there is a lot of attraction and connection.
A part of an unbreakable connection is building trust.
It’s hard for women to trust men.
It’s also hard for men to trust women.
We all have many conflicting wants and interests. The lack of trust is normal – until it’s built up.
We want to take their resources – time, attention, money, commitment. That naturally requires that he trust us in order to give those precious resources.
Remember though – even when there IS trust – pulling away is a normal and natural part of being a man.
But when you trust him and he trusts you – you will feel less scared when he pulls away and it will feel like he pulls away less – because you have trust in him.
Reasons why men pull away?
There are several reasons why men pull away.
One major reason is biological – because men who are born more identified with masculine energy don’t base their identity on ‘relationship’ with a woman.
Instead, they base their identity – not always deliberately – on risk taking, and their individual capabilities.
Risk taking is a necessary endeavour for a masculine species. It’s what they must do in order to stand out to females and be worthy of reproduction. Research has shown that much more so in boys, risk taking behaviour lights up pleasure centres in their brain.
This starts very young.
I may try to get my 18 months old son to not jump off a 2 metre high ledge – but he still tries nonetheless while my heart is screaming in fear. Not only does he have absolutely no sense of danger, he seems to welcome it.
Closeness with a woman is good for some time for a man – until he needs to get back to his body’s natural rhythm and equilibrium. After all, we all have a bodily need to return to our natural state.
This is why pulling away for most men is normal.
Why does men pulling away hurt so much?
Men pulling away hurts so much because we live in a feminine sphere where closeness is celebrated.
It hurts because we love them and closeness is our form of love.
But how often do we let ourselves surrender to the fact that it hurts because we love them?
And perhaps admit that to ourselves?
Often, we just get angry because he’s not present. We reject the part of ourselves that truly admires him and allows him to be a man so that we can have passion and desire him more.
Instead, our anger and resentment serves only to keep things safe (like they are in prison) and comfortable. Comfort isn’t good for a passionate relationship.
It’s good for boring relationships. (Which many people suffer from every single day.)
The danger comes when instead of acknowledging that we love them because that feels scary and weak – we use our anger to make them wrong, close off our love (pretend it didn’t affect us) and blame them for pulling away.
The damage of just reacting in anger or closing off
It’s dangerous because none of those things comes from the core of who we are. The core of us is authentic and feels the pain of him pulling away – it feels the loss and the anger and the hurt and the shock.
But not without the love.
We may feel anger and hurt and loss and shock – but a lot of women base their reactions only on these emotions and close off to the pleasure of their love and devotion for this man.
Let’s draw a comparison.
You know those annoying people who are chronic attention seekers?
Well, all feminine women deeply desire attention, and to be acknowledged and to have their deep radiance felt by men and women.
(Would you like to find out how feminine you are? Click here and find out from this quiz.)
But chronic attention seekers are annoying to you – why?
Because they won’t allow the full spectrum of experience in their bodies.
They reject the true infinite radiance and beauty of themselves. They just can’t let themselves do that.
So they repetitively show up as people who want to ‘take’ from society.
Because they don’t surrender to the goddess that they already are.
So they become addicted to surface attention.
They want the attention of other people. it could be other women, it could be other women’s boyfriends or husbands.
In fact, better if it’s from an already ‘taken’ man – because the stakes are higher and that must mean she’s really irresistible if he’ll risk his woman’s happiness to give another woman attention.
They’re annoying because they don’t have honesty in expression.
But they don’t have honesty in expression because they won’t allow themselves to surrender to their true infinite capability in being feminine and radiant.
Because if she did do that – she’d still be exposed to younger, apparently more beautiful woman – and she’d have to be exposed to more pain…and so she resists and takes what she can before it becomes impossible to take anymore because she’s older.
Every woman has infinite radiance.
But not every woman allows herself to be that – and so she stunts her value and annoys people with her ‘dabbling’ in feminine energy (attention seeking).
She doesn’t allow herself to be infinite and feel the full array of emotions. The true and real deeper cravings we have are often buried deeply in our bodies (vaginas, uterus, hearts).
It;s the same when we show up trying to ‘take’ from a man.
Instead of being honest, we just show anger – because we’re impulsive and like the thrill of being significant more than we value the true need for connection in our hearts.
This is one reason why men leave…
This is one reason why men leave. It’s essentially because we are repeatedly refusing to surrender to what’s true of our body and our heart (you can feel what’s in your heart by breathing deeply and getting away from your head).
If we are honest and sensitive – we know that we don’t only feel angry when a man pulls away.
We also love and care and surrender if we choose – to the emotions of emptiness and craving for HIM.
No man would truly want to leave a woman who can allow the full spectrum of feelings to happen without blaming him.
However, he would want to leave when we make wanting him wrong.
(And this type of internal conflict and emotional self sabotage is mean and unfair to yourself.)
It’s mean. It’s mean to deny our real wanting and our secret desire to trust him – those are the reasons why he would even be with a woman – unless he wants the ease and comfort of just a woman to exist in his house so he doesn’t have to be alone or look bad in front of family and friends being single so long.
Of course, men stay when they are truly trusted and wanted. Every woman intuitively knows this.
But not every woman prefers “outside-my-comfort-zone” passion to the comfort of self-inflicted suffering.
They leave when we make blame and anger the ONLY correct response…
Men also do want to leave when we make blaming him and getting angry the only right response to him pulling away.
But the blaming and the closing off to him to punish him – and the ‘revenge’ response where we say – ‘oh FINALLY you call’ when we does get in contact…those come from the masks we wear.
They are the sign we are dis-owning our natural essence as a woman and denying our natural craving for connection/the person we love.
How do you know if a man is taking you for granted or not?
One of the biggest things women feel when a man pulls away is that he is taking her for granted.
Sometimes, that feeling has merit. Other times, we are just trying to avoid deeper emotions.
How do you know if a man is taking you for granted or not?
1) If you can feel that a man has regularly given you reason to trust him in the past (trust comes from your body/gut, not your head), then chances are, his pulling away is something that we need to respect and honour him for.
If a man has repeatedly broken your trust – then he probably is taking you for granted.
Only, that statement comes with a caveat – we can be quick to see where someone else is taking us for granted; but not quick enough to see where we are taking him for granted.
We can benefit from being sensitive to this caveat – otherwise we suffer in our tension filled pattern of thinking ‘he’s taking me for granted, I hate him!’.
After all, a lot of men feel taken for granted when women have problems with them withdrawing – ‘doesn’t she remember the beautiful moments we had just yesterday? Does she need me with her every second of the day?’
2) Has he given you reason to feel like he values you at all in the past? If so, then remember that even though you feel taken for granted…all women and men have to go through this period of change in their relationship if they are to stay together for the long term.
We often get too busy thinking he’s in the wrong for taking us for granted and forget to surrender to having problems and changes – that no woman is immune to in a relationship.
No woman is immune to men going quiet or pulling away.
From this place, we can then add new value in different ways to further enrich the relationship.
How to know when to give up on a man?
I cannot give you a direct answer for this; as every person has different values.
My belief is that you do not ever give up on a man out of fear.
Leaving a man from fear is a weak and impulsive driver of our actions.
You give up on a man when you:
1) Don’t want to trust his masculine energy more than your own at all (because there’s no ecstasy in being with you for him – or for you)
2) You honestly can’t trust him. Trust means – trusting his capability to be in his masculine energy – trusting that he can take you in to consideration – and others in to consideration – when taking actions and making decisions.
If you genuinely admire a man and love a man and you know he loves you and does cherish you despite pulling away, then don’t give up.
Especially if you admire him.
If you admire a man – it’s a good sign that you should stay. And sometimes, pulling away is something to admire him for.
However, this is my belief.
Don’t forget that you have your own values and you have to make your own choices in life. I’m just some woman who cares.
Here are some other good reasons to leave a man:
1) You didn’t get together because you fell in love. Many people get together out of laziness and convenience. If you are sensitive and honest with yourself, and you know you got together out of convenience, then think about whether it serves your growth and your partner’s growth to still be together.
Still consider that you can make a relationship work with anyone.
But getting together out of convenience is a lie to your soul and to his. It’s essentially avoiding being with and respecting the deeper desires of yourself.
2) You got together just to get something for yourself out of it. Now – when we fall in love, we give naturally.
If you both wanted to take from each other blindly from the beginning – without caring about how you affected the other partner’s feelings and well-being – it’s a sign the relationship started badly and inauthentically.
If there was never a stage where you felt courageously able to dare to do anything for your partner – that spells trouble.
Sometimes, women get together with a man simply for ‘in-between’ avoidance of her loneliness. This is an insult to the better man for her. I believe in staying open until we meet a good one – not just an in-between one.
Life is too short and already too painful to suffer through ‘a good enough man’ to avoid feeling some kind of pain – a pain which serves us to know ourselves and our true wants even deeper – and asking for nothing less.
Our biggest mistake when men pull away
One big mistake that hurts us the most when men pull away?
The mistake of thinking that it’s a problem WE shouldn’t have.
Anthony Robbins one said from the stage; “Your biggest problem is that you think you shouldn’t have problems”.
It applies very much in this situation.
Because we are talking about a relationship with a man. Which is naturally fraught with problems and differences.
How to be smart and use the pain for good when he pulls away
The pain and fear our bodies feel when he pulls away is quite normal – we are built that way.
The pain we experience is normal.
But our anger and closing off to him is not natural.
It’s a pattern we choose to avoid feeling pain.
And if the first place we go is anger and defensiveness and closure of our bodies when he pulls away – we suffer.
But we suffer because the natural pain we feel when a man pulls away is there to remind us of our desire to connect – and connect a lot.
Your heart always wants connection
We used to be surrounded by people. We lived in tribes, for goodness sake.
It is normal to crave connection – only, we are too quick to think that it’s only a man’s connection that we crave. It’s deeper and deeper connection with humans in general.
If we feel that desire to connect – suddenly, we are powerful – because we are not avoiding – and from this place we can make choices to connect with other women, pets, and all sorts of different women and groups who would light up our lives.
But when we resist the pain – we cause him and ourselves endless suffering because we are refusing to honour who we really are.
We don’t want to be authentic and feel our natural drive to be intertwined with another human being deeper and deeper and deeper – no matter what ‘stuff’ comes up. Because it’s too real.
Because our egos get in the way – our fears also get in the way.
Like almost anything – the natural pain is asking and calling to be felt – because it is trying to serve us – to call us to be who we really are. Not who we think we should be.
So work with the pain, feel it openly and find alternative solutions to filling yourself up with a variety of sources of connection.
What we need is never the constant presence of a man.
What we need is true and real connections with human beings and animals and with ourselves.
We start by not making ourselves and our pain wrong – and not making our men wrong for being men.
Do you want to know what’s keeping your man from committing to you? Find out from the Commitment Masterclass, click here and register to watch for free.
Can you tell us more about your experiences with a man pulling away? Your experiences help other women.