“But I just don’t want to manipulate him like that…”
Said the woman who preferred to keep a clean conscience.
Just like most women, you probably don’t like to be called a “manipulator”… because no body likes a manipulator…
After all, wouldn’t it be too selfish for us to have what we really want? And wouldn’t we have to manipulate others in order to get that?
Imagine a salesman trying to pull you over in the street, only being keen to close the sale. We hate people like that… why? Because they’re only EVER in it for themselves. Our concerns are brushed aside.
Just the other week, I was shopping with my husband for a suit. After half a day of disappointing window shopping, we stopped by a large high end department store.
The lady who greeted us was delightful, upbeat and most of all, actually helpful. (A rare quality of any sales professional)
She didn’t just show us suits, she educated us on certain design elements, the fabrics to avoid, as well as general things to look for in a quality suit).
And half an hour later, we purchased an expensive suit right there on the spot – one that costed more than we had initially prepared for.
Throughout the whole time, we never felt like she was being pushy, we never felt like we were being manipulated. We were actually happy to spend the money.
We knew she was a sales person, but we enjoyed her and remember the experience fondly.
Why, though? (The answer is in the rest of the article)
We are ALL manipulating people around us
The truth is that we are all manipulating; unconsciously or consciously.
The definition of manipulate is: control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly or unscrupulously.We are human beings, and we are always influencing people around us whether we like it or not.
If we aren’t influencing people, it probably means we are dead and forgotten.
People associate bad things with the word “manipulating” because they’ve had bad experiences with entitled people who just want to take value (remind you of anyone?)
What if someone “manipulated” you and in the process, still loved you deeply and even added value to you?
Not wanting to manipulate causes us to block our own honest wants
Not wanting to manipulate causes us to block our own honest wants.
So people make the woman who wants to get married “wrong” for “manipulating” , they make the man who wants sex wrong, the business person wrong for charging money.
And the deeper truth, in my bias, is that the more we focus on not manipulating… and the more we focus on making “manipulators” wrong, the more we block ourselves.
We block our capacity to…
Add VALUE in the most authentic way (which we unlock easily when we relax beyond the stress of not wanting to be a manipulator)
We block our own need to crave something that’s true to our wants.
We also block our man’s need to crave our authentic soul and spontaneous gifts. And in the process, we worry if he wants other women…no wonder, when we are only blocking our truest and wildest gifts out of fear.
Not wanting to manipulate comes at a COST
Not wanting to manipulate comes at a cost – and that is – time and effort spent focused on our own physiological rejection of manipulation comes at a cost.
Not wanting to manipulate is a distraction.
Not wanting to manipulate is a distraction from total acceptance of what is and especially, what COULD be, if we were courageous enough.
So, what happens when we relax in to acceptance of our fear of manipulation?
AND – more importantly, what happens when we relax our fight or flight reaction to something that seems manipulative?
What happens THEN, if we were really sensitive, is that, instead of creating more stress in our body, we come to the infinite reality that we love far too much to hold back our gifts just for the sake of being ‘fair’, ‘just’ and un-manipulative.
What if you manipulated your man – and you added so much more value in the process than you could whilst trying to be un-manipulative?
What if you manipulated your man and broke him out of his everyday monotony to experience a juiciness that can’t be possible without YOU?
Trying not to manipulate is self serving
And yet – trying really hard to not be manipulative is always simply self serving… it attempts to keep your un-manipulative saintly goddesses image at the cost of yourself and those around you.
The actual realisation is that we aren’t really trying to avoid being manipulative…
And the deepest courage we can have is to realise that we love so much that we exist AS love and thus there’s no way we could be manipulating because we add so much value to begin with.
to exist means that you and i take value, or we add it. We are always either adding value, or taking value.
There are lots of value takers, but there are also value adders. Then there are the people who really get it – the people who constantly look to serve those around them – no matter what they get in return or if they get anything at all (think mother Teresa who influenced millions).
AND – lo and behold – GIVING to people without expecting back automatically means you’re influencing them.
Because at the end of the day…
The more we try to avoid manipulating, the more we manipulate.
The more we try to avoid manipulating, the more we manipulate.
It’s a cycle of rejection of our truest desire and his desires.
Inside, we want ALL of a man. We want his presence, his adoration, his love, the best unbounded sexual creature he can be, we want his time, his compassion; basically we want his soul; like a totally selfish bitch (kidding).
But to want that and to be deserving of that – we have to be devoted and faithful enough to GIVE of ourselves in this exact way – EITHER inspire this level of devotion from our man OR to help him have so much faith in you that he has no choice but to worship the beautiful expression of immeasurable love that you are.
We use phrases like ‘don’t manipulate’ to distract from our ability to give value to a man.
And when we stop offering our deepest gifts and values to a man, we actually become more manipulative not less.
Not manipulating is a manipulation to keep the status quo
Not wanting to manipulate is a manipulation to keep the status quo.
And when we distract from our truest wants – we become so very manipulative, because we are only avoiding manipulation so that we can manipulate the situation to our emotional comfort level.
And when we aim for our own emotional comfort – we are by default insensitive and unreceptive to other’s feelings and perception of what value is (or loss, really).
Trying not to Manipulate and the status quo
Sorry for saying something politically incorrect like this – but you know the people who try very hard to keep the status quo by not manipulating?
And the people who try very hard to defend themselves as ‘not wanting to snag a man’ and ‘not having to find a husband’?
Coincidentally, those are the people who are the least willing to add value; perhaps because they prefer comfort.
Perhaps they haven’t realised that by adding value, they can have everything they’ve ever wanted.
And having what we need – and sometimes what we want can sometimes be the precursor to being able to give more to others.
Instead of focusing “not manipulating” focus on offering value.
We either create value and offer that to those around us, or we extract value from those around us.
We can’t help but influence all those around us, the only question is, are you adding value and thinking about their interests?
And if you’re really great – are you able to perceive what their life is really like and see what THEY need from you in order to go deeper with you in to relationship? So that you can both share a richer, better life?
BE the immeasurable value that cannot be replaced
So…the only way to live your life i- at least in my opinion – is to BE value in your own authentic way. Your own authentic way can NEVER be replaced (because your actions naturally come from your unique biology and life experiences, nobody else can replicate that).
Perhaps, choose receptiveness to men’s perception of what they are inspired by in women; and be willing to give your unique contribution to a man you’ve built some trust with, to the people you love, to the people who crave that kind of contribution from your unique soul.
Not every woman who is loyal to her heart’s desires and wants is an entitled “princess” or a “taker”…
It’s just that some women really live as living, breathing, open giving goddesses and some live as snorting rejections of their authentic cravings… and spew language of ‘that’s so manipulative!’…
Disclaimer: giving value doesn’t always mean we get the same value back; that’s why it’s so important to be as attuned to men as possible.
Attunement is the key. We need to gauge what is value to him, gauge whether he is ready to receive our gifts, and whether we need to move on.
If you want to learn the 3 simple words that can inspire your man to commit to you, click here to register and watch Commitment Masterclass for free.
P.S – the biggest difference between being a taker and a value adder is genuinely caring – getting out of ourselves. When you care, you never have to worry about being a taker and if you were, you acknowledge your mistake and feel even deeper as to what people need from you.
Have you experienced feeling like you’re a manipulator? Have you experienced feeling used and taken value from? I love to read your story below.