Our intention to stay connected to a man in an argument is worth gold.
Our intention to hold on to resentment and the need to be right in an argument is worth nothing.
Any one of us can live our lives from the place of needing to be right. And many of us do. It is a terribly mediocre existence, though, because it is never ending – so the pattern of needing to be right will continue as long as you exhaust yourself trying to be right. It is a doomed cycle and it is the path you need to take if you prefer to be an underachiever.
Now to communicating with an angry man.
If he is severely abusive, and you are in enough pain from it, then you need to get out of there and be alone for a while to reflect on the patterns that you both run that causes the severe abuse between you two.
IF however, your man is an otherwise good human being, but he gets angry easily, then it is very fixable for you.
You are a woman, and that means you have a lot of value to add to his life by nature. It is just getting back to that real nature of yourself that can be scary and risky.
Why are men so angry?
Why are men so angry?
To no fault of their own, and to no fault of women, men get angry at women because they perceive what is happening in the relationship to be a threat to their need for (the feeling of) freedom. And freedom is not going out with his mates without you hassling him. That may be one aspect of it, but that’s a very superficial gift of freedom we can give if we want to.
The really valuable gifts of freedom run a lot deeper than that.
As you may already know, the masculine energy in all of us seeks freedom. Men who are masculine inside seek it a lot; not when they are in their feminine; but moreso when they are in their masculine.
The best men from a woman’s perspective are the men who know that they already ARE freedom, and don’t need to ‘seek’ it out, constantly.
The reason we like men to exist as freedom rather than act like everything feels like a constraint to him is because it doesn’t take Einstein to know that once you think you’ve gained freedom, something happens. Life happens, and the perceived freedom is taken away. Freedom that needs to be sought out all the time is short lived. For example…
A man finally has an opportunity to feel empty, and the kids come asking for him to play.
He finally feels empty and free, and his woman gets pissy because he’s not hanging out with her.
He finally feels empty, and his mother needs help with something.
He finally has no-one asking for his attention, and the boss goes on acting like a dick.
So the only real thing to do is BE freedom, and live as untouchable freedom. For a man.
What you must choose to understand about men to communicate well with them…
Again, the heart of men’s anger is that they feel trapped somehow. So we need to look for what might be trapping him, if we care about him. If we don’t, that’s fine, but if you are a caring type of woman, then you could try to read further.
Relationship, for men, is often felt as a responsibility or a burden, simply because in their masculine energy state, they want perfect freedom from ‘stuff’ and things happening. They want emptiness and focus, or to feel the emotions of freedom – for example, watching a football game (*rolling my eyes playfully*).
Essentially, WE inspire and invite men in for longer and for a lifetime, or we don’t.
But women are the reason men ever are even attracted to the idea of being in a deep, passionate relationship.
It is a woman’s inherent high value from a man’s perspective.
The higher our value from a man’s view, the more likely she will attract a man who wants to devote himself to her and the relationship.
This is value that you have already within you. It’s just whether you choose to use it or not.
Feminine women seek perfect love – lots of attention, praise, reassurance, and communication, and praise and reassurance and communication. Sounds a bit needy doesn’t it? If it does, you’re on the way to understanding things from a man’s perspective.
But it’s not needy if we ask for these things in a way that adds value, which is very easy to do. Find out more about doing that, click here to register and watch our Commitment Masterclass for free.
So if they are so angry about loss of freedom, why are they with us?
Usually, if a man chooses to stay with you, it could be because your energy is right for him, or because the value from being with you outweighs the costs to his freedom.
Maybe because a woman gives him life.
But none of this means he is always going to find us a wonderful thing to have around. A lot of the time, he will feel like we are annoying, frustrating, crazy, or unfathomable.
It’s actually not about you….he might even love you, but the general feeling is that women need a lot of attention. And men don’t always have that much attention. Most of them don’t even understand after 50 years of marriage, that their wife actually values his undivided attention. That’s how clueless they can be. And of course, that also shows how much women aren’t willing to communicate directly – instead, doing all sorts of odd things to try to command a man’s attention.
What can we do to get closer to a man even when he is angry and fighting?
Here are my steps to getting closer to a man and having him want to be with you more and more.
1) Just breathe in to your pelvis deeply, and relax in to your body. In this place, you are out of your anxiety and out of your head, which is useless for connecting with a man. It’s useful for intelligent conversations, but not for connecting with a man.
Remember that our skill and desire to connect with a man is high value in todays’ world. And more importantly for you – your desire to actually connect – which brings inherent risks because you’re surrendering to deeper involvement and surrendering to something uncertain – it’s going to get you actual commitment.
Commitment doesn’t happen unless we surrender to truly connecting, and commit to noticing our real ears of connecting.
So, TRY to get the feeling in your gut and body that you want to connect with HIM.
So that means, realising that when we feel like using him as a scratching post, a sound-board, or an easy target for blame, we must stop and choose connection.
CONNECTION, not comfort and release from your fears of connecting with him. Make that choice. You’ll be very courageous for doing so.
2) Respect his anger, give his anger as much respect as you do your own. His anger is often just as real as yours. It may not always be valid, and he may not always so called have a ‘right’ to be angry with you, but it is still his feeling. And I believe feelings deserve space and respect.
Give him space to be angry. Ask him why he is angry. If he says ‘why do YOU care?!’ or ‘You don’t want to know!’ or ‘I don’t trust you.’, stick to your willingness to give him space for his anger whilst you somehow try to stay present and listen (it’s very hard, but the pride and confidence we feel for doing it afterwards is worth far more).
I know you want to be understood too. You will have your time. If you are so angry and hurt that you find you can’t be present with his feelings – you won’t be the first woman. You’re not alone. In many relationships, the woman’s feelings naturally take precedent because we can be so over-powering with our emotions.
But how can you ever have your man want to try to understand you unless you try to breathe and relax in to giving him space to be listened to first some of the time? Or what if you don’t lead the way and be a living example, first? People are the average of the 5 people they spend the most time with…so be the encouragement of gentle understanding through your own example.
So if you are compassionate, loving, and courageous, he will learn to trust you and over time, he will approach you in a more relaxed way, too, because that’s what people do for us when we give them so much understanding, and when we have so much respect for the world they live in.
3) Trust courage, not defensiveness when he tells you what he’s angry about. It’s about meeting him on his level.
Say something like ‘yeah, I’d feel that way too, if I was you.’
It is potentially utter freedom, to have a woman willing to put herself in your position, as a man.
4) If it all turns to shit, you have done a good job today. You always do a good job, because your intentions are pure and you don’t intend to hurt anyone.
It’s ok if the argument escalates, and you both get caught up in your lizard brain reactions and nobody is feeling loved and understood by anybody,because you already have what it takes to change that at the next appropriate time.
You are doing okay. It’s okay to forgive yourself. It is not your fault. The fact that you care about your man (or just generally are conscientious enough to care) about your relationship is enough.
By the way, our program Understanding Men gives you a comprehensive answer to many of your questions about men.