How to Communicate with an Angry man & become closer afterwards

How to Communicate with an Angry man & become closer afterwards

Our intention to stay connected to a man in an argument is worth gold.

Our intention to hold on to resentment and the need to be right in an argument is worth nothing.

Any one of us can live our lives from the place of needing to be right. And many of us do. It is a terribly mediocre existence, though, because it is never ending – so the pattern of needing to be right will continue as long as you exhaust yourself trying to be right. It is a doomed cycle and it is the path you need to take if you prefer to be an underachiever.

(Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I?”)

Now to communicating with an angry man.

If he is severely abusive, and you are in enough pain from it, then you need to get out of there and be alone for a while to reflect on the patterns that you both run that causes the severe abuse between you two.

IF however, your man is an otherwise good human being, but he gets angry easily, then it is very fixable for you.

You are a woman, and that means you have a lot of value to add to his life by nature. It is just getting back to that real nature of yourself that can be scary and risky.

Why are men so angry?

Why are men so angry?

To no fault of their own, and to no fault of women, men get angry at women because they perceive what is happening in the relationship to be a threat to their need for (the feeling of) freedom. And freedom is not going out with his mates without you hassling him. That may be one aspect of it, but that’s a very superficial gift of freedom we can give if we want to.

The really valuable gifts of freedom run a lot deeper than that.

As you may already know, the masculine energy in all of us seeks freedom. Men who are masculine inside seek it a lot; not when they are in their feminine; but moreso when they are in their masculine.

The best men from a woman’s perspective are the men who know that they already ARE freedom, and don’t need to ‘seek’ it out, constantly.

The reason we like men to exist as freedom rather than act like everything feels like a constraint to him is because it doesn’t take Einstein to know that once you think you’ve gained freedom, something happens. Life happens, and the perceived freedom is taken away. Freedom that needs to be sought out all the time is short lived. For example…

A man finally has an opportunity to feel empty, and the kids come asking for him to play.

He finally feels empty and free, and his woman gets pissy because he’s not hanging out with her.

He finally feels empty, and his mother needs help with something.

He finally has no-one asking for his attention, and the boss goes on acting like a dick.

So the only real thing to do is BE freedom, and live as untouchable freedom. For a man.

What you must choose to understand about men to communicate well with them…

Again, the heart of men’s anger is that they feel trapped somehow. So we need to look for what might be trapping him, if we care about him. If we don’t, that’s fine, but if you are a caring type of woman, then you could try to read further.

Relationship, for men, is often felt as a responsibility or a burden, simply because in their masculine energy state, they want perfect freedom from ‘stuff’ and things happening. They want emptiness and focus, or to feel the emotions of freedom – for example, watching a football game (*rolling my eyes playfully*).

Essentially, WE inspire and invite men in for longer and for a lifetime, or we don’t.

But women are the reason men ever are even attracted to the idea of being in a deep, passionate relationship.

It is a woman’s inherent high value from a man’s perspective.

The higher our value from a man’s view, the more likely she will attract a man who wants to devote himself to her and the relationship.

This is value that you have already within you. It’s just whether you choose to use it or not.

Feminine women seek perfect love – lots of attention, praise, reassurance, and communication, and praise and reassurance and communication. Sounds a bit needy doesn’t it? If it does, you’re on the way to understanding things from a man’s perspective.

But it’s not needy if we ask for these things in a way that adds value, which is very easy to do. Find out more about doing that, click here to register and watch our Commitment Masterclass for free.

So if they are so angry about loss of freedom, why are they with us?

Usually, if a man chooses to stay with you, it could be because your energy is right for him, or because the value from being with you outweighs the costs to his freedom.

Maybe because a woman gives him life.

But none of this means he is always going to find us a wonderful thing to have around. A lot of the time, he will feel like we are annoying, frustrating, crazy, or unfathomable.

It’s actually not about you….he might even love you, but the general feeling is that women need a lot of attention. And men don’t always have that much attention. Most of them don’t even understand after 50 years of marriage, that their wife actually values his undivided attention. That’s how clueless they can be. And of course, that also shows how much women aren’t willing to communicate directly – instead, doing all sorts of odd things to try to command a man’s attention.

(Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

What can we do to get closer to a man even when he is angry and fighting?

Here are my steps to getting closer to a man and having him want to be with you more and more.

1) Just breathe in to your pelvis deeply, and relax in to your body. In this place, you are out of your anxiety and out of your head, which is useless for connecting with a man. It’s useful for intelligent conversations, but not for connecting with a man.

Remember that our skill and desire to connect with a man is high value in todays’ world. And more importantly for you – your desire to actually connect – which brings inherent risks because you’re surrendering to deeper involvement and surrendering to something uncertain – it’s going to get you actual commitment.

Commitment doesn’t happen unless we surrender to truly connecting, and commit to noticing our real ears of connecting.

So, TRY to get the feeling in your gut and body that you want to connect with HIM.

So that means, realising that when we feel like using him as a scratching post, a sound-board, or an easy target for blame, we must stop and choose connection.

CONNECTION, not comfort and release from your fears of connecting with him. Make that choice. You’ll be very courageous for doing so.

2) Respect his anger, give his anger as much respect as you do your own. His anger is often just as real as yours. It may not always be valid, and he may not always so called have a ‘right’ to be angry with you, but it is still his feeling. And I believe feelings deserve space and respect.

Give him space to be angry. Ask him why he is angry. If he says ‘why do YOU care?!’ or ‘You don’t want to know!’ or ‘I don’t trust you.’, stick to your willingness to give him space for his anger whilst you somehow try to stay present and listen (it’s very hard, but the pride and confidence we feel for doing it afterwards is worth far more).

I know you want to be understood too. You will have your time. If you are so angry and hurt that you find you can’t be present with his feelings – you won’t be the first woman. You’re not alone. In many relationships, the woman’s feelings naturally take precedent because we can be so over-powering with our emotions.

But how can you ever have your man want to try to understand you unless you try to breathe and relax in to giving him space to be listened to first some of the time? Or what if you don’t lead the way and be a living example, first? People are the average of the 5 people they spend the most time with…so be the encouragement of gentle understanding through your own example.

So if you are compassionate, loving, and courageous, he will learn to trust you and over time, he will approach you in a more relaxed way, too, because that’s what people do for us when we give them so much understanding, and when we have so much respect for the world they live in.

3) Trust courage, not defensiveness when he tells you what he’s angry about. It’s about meeting him on his level.

Say something like ‘yeah, I’d feel that way too, if I was you.’

It is potentially utter freedom, to have a woman willing to put herself in your position, as a man.

4) If it all turns to shit, you have done a good job today. You always do a good job, because your intentions are pure and you don’t intend to hurt anyone.

It’s ok if the argument escalates, and you both get caught up in your lizard brain reactions and nobody is feeling loved and understood by anybody,because you already have what it takes to change that at the next appropriate time.

You are doing okay. It’s okay to forgive yourself. It is not your fault. The fact that you care about your man (or just generally are conscientious enough to care) about your relationship is enough.

By the way, our program Understanding Men gives you a comprehensive answer to many of your questions about men.

Click here to read more about our Understanding Men program.

What has it been like for you, dealing with an angry man? Share your experience with me below this article.

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  • Elis

    I’m just saying that’s not the basis of a healthy relationship. If a man just gets angry at having you around and finding you annoying just for being there and etc. then that is not a kind of thing you want to be into with someone.
    Also its a big generalisation not every woman is super clingy, I prefer my own space and have been told I can be very cold sometimes.
    I think that communication skills should be taught thats all.
    I also don’t think that women should be allowed to blow up and get angry without communicating the same with men.
    If anyone in the relationship has to figure things out all the time without talking then it won’t last.
    Freedom is a ridiculous reason to get mad at someone for, if they need their space it should be said so bluntly, people aren’t mind readers.

  • sandhya

    hey
    i got married around one n half year ago. my husb n i have arguments daily as whenever i try to express my feelings instead of understanding he gets mad over me. still i try to settle down bt he never calm down. whenever i try to cuddle with him, try to have fun with him, he gets irritated n shout on me. if i get upset or cry with these things he gets more angry. i am very frustrated. please help.

  • honey

    I m in a 5 yr relationshp these days we r fighting alot….. he gets irritated over me again again…… he says aaj kal tumse bt karne me hi irritation hoti h gussa aata h…… go talk to other boys whom u talk……. he hates when i doubt on him…… nd react…… i knows i love him alot….. nd i want him back lyk before….. he says during sex also u fight…. talk about ither grls i dont wanna have sex with u…. 😢

  • Theresa Humphry

    39 years and I just can not do it anymore. I am raising an autistic grandson. He’s 3 now. I won’t have him grow up in an angry household. I try to keep the peace and not get angry back. But I have SOME pride left. I deserve to be happy for once in almost 40 years of a controlling husband who does what he wants but refuses to “allow” me to be myself. And I am a chrittan woman, don’t drink, do drugs, or cheat. House is clean, supper is cooked and bills are paid. No more of his anger and emotional abuse. No more

  • Alyssa Timon

    A lot of the word choice in this is alarming from a feminist perspective. It seems to claim that women exist to give a man’s life meaning, comfort, etc. I think, after a man has abused you, you should let him know it is not okay, and if that means not talking to him or trying to soothe him, then that is okay. it’s not about being right, it’s about setting a boundary and respecting yourself; not letting yourself be abused.

  • This is the initial step to begin in a relationship, and could be the last. You must be the one of yourself always, and if you don’t want a part of your behaviour, then you need to admit it openly whenever it happens spontaneously, no matter how normal that may feel to you, or how huge impact he had experienced should be figured out through his expressions, you must be in a form of absolute acceptance and plead for forgiveness. This builds the relationship more stronger and healthier with trust. Counselling at Perth

  • I feel like my relationship has been like this for almost ten years straight. I have two kids, one is his and mine together, the other is not. He literally has not communicated with me during this entire time. I’m pretty sure this stems from childhood issues with his dad. His dad has LOTS of money. I have a car, but the house and TVs and furniture, none of it is mine or in my name. I’ve been a stay at home mom for pretty much like 12 years. I work very hard though and my life is my kids. I have no degree, no typing skills. A lot of the time that I try to get him to talk to me he says that he wants me to move out (this includes my oldest daughter). I’m pretty sure it has become more of a threat though to get me to shut up so he doesn’t have to talk but more and more lately I think he means it. I’ve battled an illness (a treatable but life-robbing deadly one) during almost this entire time including depression and severe anxiety. These have kept me from being able to make the right decisions, well I can make the right decisions, but with virtually no support system and all that I’ve mentioned before I have felt that I can’t really act on these decisions. I’m doing better than I’ve ever done health wise and everything has definitely come to a head as of late. At first I thought he must be seeing someone else because his behavior has been so crazy. Just much more erratic moodiness and anger than ever before and I’ve done nothing wrong. We have no debt really to speak of, two beautiful kids between us, a house. He thrives on all negativity. People have to pay bills, things break and need to be fixed, that’s life. He doesn’t take care of things or himself and then when he feels like crap or things fall apart (our “relationship” most of all) he wonders why things are such a mess. And even though it’s his own doing, it’s ALWAYS my fault. I’ve come to realize that I need to start looking for a job. I feel he is going to kick me out for real soon. I’m going to have to leave my home of ten years and split up my kids and live in some crappy apartment and work at a convenience store and I will be utterly miserable. I don’t mean to sound like a snob. If you are wondering why I wouldn’t take my youngest with me (she is 8) it’s because I have no resources, no job. Also HIM and his family have a lot of money which equals power. I know that sounds so stupid, but his dad was a lot like this to him mother and was a terrible drunk to boot for 25 years and he got a really good attorney during the divorce and she didn’t get the kids full like she wanted. She was a bitter crazy mess though so who knows. We have never been married. I don’t know. I sound like a loser :'(

  • AshBenson

    Great article. It’s a cliché but good communication is the key to a long-lasting, happy relationship. Quite often a small misunderstanding can needlessly turn into a big argument. When most of the time you can avoid things escalating with simple communication. I highly recommend reading Obsession Phrases by Kelsey Diamond. It’s crazy how changing little things can make such a big difference.

    Although men are wired differently, we all speak the same language. When you’re both on the same wavelength, it’s a beautiful thing.

    • Sur

      What if the friendship/ relationship a one way street? I do all the correspondence. One moment he is upbeat the other moment I am non existent for days turning to weeks. I deservecway better .we can’t be all nice nice and let men take advantage of us being so patient. Don’t forget their r lots of narcs in this world who d love our submissive behavior towards them and inturn abuse us !! . I don’t have time for this. A man needs to understand his woman too ! The author has only added more pride to the already arrogant men out there.

  • AshBenson

    Great article. It’s a cliché but good communication is the key to a long-lasting, happy relationship. Quite often a small misunderstanding can needlessly turn into a big argument. When most of the time you can avoid things escalating with simple communication. I highly recommend What Men Secretly Want’ by James Bauer It’s a fantastic read.

    Although men are wired differently, we all speak the same language. When you’re both on the same wavelength, it’s a beautiful thing.

  • Nicola Marie

    I just came across this page. Thank you for helping me understand. I am in a relationship with a very masculine man who i cherish and he cherishes me. We both are quite hot headed when it comes to an argument. Its weird because when i feel angry i feel i have the right to be but when he is angry i get very fearful and then doubt myself wether i should be in the relationship. I know i have alot to give and i am naturly selfless which kind of makes me think am i being a victim.

  • AshBenson

    Great article. It’s a cliché but good communication is the key to a long-lasting, happy relationship. Quite often a small misunderstanding can needlessly turn into a big argument. When most of the time you can avoid things escalating with simple communication. I highly recommend ‘Talk To His Heart’ by Samantha Sanderson which is a fantastic read. You can watch the video and guide at: tinyurl.com/TaIkToHisHeart

    Although men are wired differently, we all speak the same language. When you’re both on the same wavelength, it’s a beautiful thing.

  • tina

    OK so let’s say me and X get into conversation and it starts getting heated tension starts building. U listen and listen and listen and listen to his same complaints just a different day. U calmly try to be understanding, u calmly try to to end the conversation before it gets heated up……but it always goes there. U try to leave the room but u hear every little think they are screaming about in the other room. How do u keep calm in a situation like that? Cause it pisses me off calling me stupid or not even saying it but making me feel like that. Or makes me feel as if all that I have been threw in life meet nothing cause what he’s been threw is the only way and it’s his way or the highway.

    When we are not arguing it’s perfect. He happy funny loving and caring but it’s like when men get angry all their senses go out the window. What is the best way to handle this. He say he doesn’t want to hurt me in anyway……but between me and u this really hurts emotionally. Honestly I just want to grab him by his neck and shake him and say what the f*** are u think or doing for that matter. But it wouldn’t do no good so why try. I K how I react to his anger pisses him off more I just don’t know how to rewire my brain to do any different. Please help I really do love him. I just need help to approach the situation better

  • Genevieve Richards

    So uhmm what do i do today 8th of june 2016. this guy has been upset for no reason since saturday . we had an argument about his behavior on sunday and he ended with i leave him and i said fine. later on he called trying to explain and then he started the ignoring. i sent to him a motivational message yesterday morning on whatsapp and he replied with leave me in the afternoon. i asked what is the meaning of his sentence . he said he is in a bad state and doesnt need me to be involved. so how does all this messages in the post help my present issue cos i really want to quit even though i still care about a guy who is verbally abusive. Or do i need psychiatric examination seeing i have endured the verbal abuses for 4 months dating for 6 months.

  • Rose

    Hey 🙂 Can anyone help me, give me any kind of advice? So there is a guy. We meet to a party for over one month ago and we kissed. We started talking, having fun and started meeting. At our first meeting he told me he is not looking after a relationship right now and I wasen’t too, so it was okay with me. I told him I want to hang out with him, talk and just have fun and you know kiss and hug sometimes. That was okay with him. He said after some time that he dosent want that people know about taht we are meeting and all, because of rumors. He recently broke up with his girlfriend and people started talking about us and talking about us being in a relationship (you know making it to something which dosent excist). So I said its okay and we made a deal taht we are not going to tell anyone about it. Well he told about it to his bestfriend which live far. And one day I told lil bit to my bestfriend that im meeting this guy. For some time ago he started avoiding me, because people started talking about that I want more. And yesterday we were out and driving in car and I told him that my friend know about that we meet, but she dosent know that much and of course he got very mad… I broke our deal… And now I don’t know what to do…

  • kim

    I’m caught in the middle here not knowing if this is what I’m dealing with or if it’s emotional abuse. this man I’ve spent 14 yrs with have 2 children together but 12 together…me 6 him 6 2 together. anyway about 3 months after we got together it started. it was a whirlwind romance at first then whammy he turned on me.. he has lied to our friends and cost me most of my family lying. today I’m still dealing with him saying something rude and humiliating in front of people about me, when I bring it up it breaks into a huge fight. it’s always my fault, he has apologized before for the humiliation or making me the but of his jokes but then says NOW I GET IT YOU HAVE 14 YEARS OF THINKING I’M SERIOUS WHEN I’M JOKING. IT INFURIATES ME!…why does he ever apologize? it’s like he says sorry he understands it will never happen again and does it over and over and over. it’s like he enjoys humiliating me then acts like it’s just impossible for him to wrap his head around what I’m wanting he says jesus I just can’t keep up with you? I’m starting to hate him.

  • Its about being a good listener and learning how to communicate with his heart. I know that might sound a bit cheesy but it’s true. Most of the time the root cause of anger stems from something else.. even if it feels like he takes everything out on you. Learning how to communicate and connect with him on a deeper level can make a world of difference.

    If you can relate to this, I highly recommend a guide called “Talk to his heart” by Samantha Sanderson. It provides you with tools for effective communication. Here’s a link to her video/guide: tinyurl.com/TalkToHeart

  • Nirvana

    I just want to say thank you so much for this post. It really did change my perspective. It’s so often that we women overlook a man’s feelings due to being overwhelmed with our own. i will in fact use this not just with men but with everyone in my life because feelings are feelings irrespective of whose argument was valid and whose wasn’t. xx

  • trollope

    this is the best and most realistic approach to an angry man:
    “Kristen,

    I grew up with a father that had a temper and we never knew what kind of a mood he would be in when he got home. He was verbally abusive, shouted and yelled when he got angry and I remember feeling apprehensive and nervous a lot of the time. Even though I knew he loved us very much, the other side of his personality made it a very unhappy home to live in most of the time. My mom would tell him how upset it made her, but nothing ever changed until he was diagnosed with cancer and was dying.

    Well, guess what. I wound up marrying a man that also had a temper. (The cycle repeated itself- just like they say!!) I had no idea while we were dating that he had a temper, because he never lost his temper until after we got married. After we got married, he began yelling and using profanity when he got angry and it could be over the slightest thing. He had very little patience and would sometimes break things when he got angry. He has twice made a hole in the wall from punching his fist through a wall. He was always VERY SORRY, and I kept on making excuses in my mind for him and believing him when he said it woudn’t happen again. I told him how I felt when he did that , but all the talk in the world NEVER changed our situation. I was reliving the same nightmare my mother went through. When you live with someone that has a temper, (and by the way, even if they never hit you), if they yell and scream, and/or use profanity, it is called verbal and emotional abuse!! Abuse does not discriminate, it occurs in all ethnic backrounds and to all socio-economic walks of life. It steals and robs it’s victim of joy and peace. As time goes on, the abuse will get worse, as the abuser learns that he or she can get away with it. As long as you continue in the relationship while it is going on, you are enabling the situation. Since you are not married to this man, my advice is to RUN AWAY FROM THIS RELATIONSHIP!!!!! Do NOT think you can help him or change him. Do not continue a relationship with someone that will only cause you much pain in your life. I can guarantee you, if you stay with him, you will become more and more unhappy as time goes on. Not only that, but think about bringing children up in a home exposed to this. I can guarantee you that they will become victims of abuse as well.

    My situation did not change until I was married for almost 19 years and it was only when I learned through therapy not to put up with it any more. All the words in the world did not change his actions. It was only when my actions, (leaving the house and him knowing I would leave for good) if it didn’t stop, plus him going for counseling healed the situation.

    BUT, what I want to emphasize to you is that IF I KNEW before I married him that he had a temper, I would have NEVER MARRIED him!! He caused so much unhappiness in my life due to his angry outbursts that it robbed me of much joy. When you live with someone with a temper, you feel like you are walking on eggshells. After a while, you realize you can never have an honest open relationship out of fear that they may get angry about something. Even though our situation has changed, his temper damaged my trust, respect and love for him. I stayed because of religious convictions about marriage, but if I had to do it all over again, I would have left. I feel like I lost 20 years of my life and I deserved better and you do too!!!!

    You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please don’t ruin it by settling for someone that will never be able to make you happy. A person is on their best behavior when they are dating……. I guarantee you it will get worse. Don’t make excuses for his behavior, that is called enabling. Also, don’t ever think you can change someone. That is very unhealthy and you will wind up in a vicious cycle. Please look up on the internet about verbal and emotional abuse and begin reading about it. You don’t deserve to be treated in an unrespectful manner EVER!!!!!!!!!!”

  • Jennifer Shepherd

    I’ve been trying to deal with my boyfriends anger but sometimes I wonder if I will continue to deal with it. Last night anything could have triggered his anger, so it took everything in me to stay calm and keep him calm. Number one reason why, I wanted to avoid hearing hurtful words. After one of his episodes, it takes days to get over it. I carry hurt, worry and fear around with me and it literally drains me.

    I’ve always been a strong woman, single mom and successful business owner. I moved one state away to be with my guy. We are now 40, we met each other when we were 14. We had a 24 year gap and met again by chance 2 years ago. I always remembered him as a kind 14 year old, but now life has hardened him. He still treats me very well. But when he has one of his episodes, it all goes out the window and I’m wondering what his true feelings are.

    I’m just tired of getting hurt and walking on egg shells.

  • Markeita

    Hi I been messing with this guy on nd off for 5 years then we broke up became good friends just recently he went through my phone and found a lot of text messages from me and other guys I been having sex with now he’s kind of upset but how we not together plus he tells me do me he doesn’t care now of a sudden he’s so upset with me