A Letter to Men: How to Understand Women & Why Your Relationships Fail

How to Understand Women

We love men here. Our intent is not to put the blame on you, as you are not to blame. We want you to know that we respect the man you are today, and honor you for being a man. If you find feminine women hard to understand, know that it’s not hard at all. Here is your manual to ensure that your future relationships don’t fail:

1) We LOVE that you can solve our problems. Your solutions matter to us, and we know that you are a great problem solver. Yet, most of the time, when we are talking to you, you solving our problems feels terrible in our gut, because what we need is to get our emotions out and breathe a sigh of relief when you are strong enough to be present with the storm and let it go by.

ANY man can offer to solve our problems, and indeed, a lot of men do. But much fewer men can be present through our storms and feel in to our heart.

2) Women often communicate straight from an emotion. You communicate truth, but our Feminine truth is our emotions. So if we say; “Oh my GOD! It’s TERRIBLE! What happened tonight at the party was HUMILIATING!” – you responding by Telling us that “it is not humiliating” feels a LITTLE bit better to us than you walking off because you are too scared to be with us. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

However, what’s MUCH better is if you realise that you may know that the Truth may be that it wasn’t humiliating, however we didn’t mean exactly the words that we said. Our words come from a feeling, so we are sorry if we forget to say “I FEEL humiliated.” the truth is that we do feel humiliated even if it isn’t the truth and even you would rather we weren’t burdened by that feeling of humiliation.

3) ANY feeling we have will pass. We are sorry that it’s so scary when we are upset. Yet, it isn’t about you. It seems like it is; indeed, I know that it feels like it is about you. But no feeling we have is permanent. It passes. The more humour you find in our feelings and share that humour with us, the quicker they will pass, because we feel less of a need to hold on to bad feelings just to try to get your attention and presence.

4) I know your default thing to do as a man is to seek sex without strings attached. We know also, that plenty of women out there are willing to give you that unattached sex. But we would respect you more if you also admitted that unattached sex, when done several times with the same woman can hurt her deeply, as her hormones are different to your hormones, and she can get attached quite quickly, without any conscious intent of her own.

Yes, she ‘should’ know better and control her own actions, I agree. However, you’d be more of a man and more trustable if you took women’s feelings and inherent differences in to account when you go about your conquests.

5) A man who lives for himself only is a turn off to the best women. The pleaser women and the shallow women might like you. But a man is far sexier when he is able to and willing to take other people’s situation and feelings in to consideration and act accordingly.

6) Getting a woman to trust you can be hard on your part. I’m sorry that it is hard, but as hard as it is, in the end, if she trusts you, at least most of the time (because it can’t be all of the time and in every single moment), you will own her in a way no other man could.

7) We will often communicate our needs indirectly. You hate it, but you love it. You might stop having sex with us if we told you everything directly, straight out. The polarity would be gone, because we’d be in our masculine energy more.

I know you don’t want to have to ‘dissect’ every woman’s actual needs from her vague communications, but for the woman you love, you’d do anything, right?

8) We really don’t have any bad intent, however – It’s scary for when you need time to yourself. Because time to yourself could mean days, weeks, even months without close contact.

I know it seems needy. But the more a woman TRUSTS you, and the more a woman wants you, the harder it will be for her to NOT feel fear and pain whenever you are absent. If we are uptight and hurt when you return, we are very sorry, it’s just that the entire time you were gone, we felt like we were going to die. Literally.

9) We are sorry that we bring up the past a lot. We don’t do it to be mean, but we do, too. It’s just that….we remember details about things you’ve long forgotten, because we attach an emotion to certain memories and fat chance that we will forget it any day soon.

10) Many people will disagree with me on this. But over time, I feel I have learned that a woman’s faithfulness to you as a man is in direct proportion to your ability and willingness to show up as the Alpha Male.

The deeper and stronger your masculine energy (which takes practice to gain), the more faithful any woman will be to you. Including the hot ones. Including the beautiful ones.

11) When we say “leave me ALONE! I hate you!” and walk off, we don’t actually mean leave us alone.

Sometimes we mean leave us alone. But other times, our bodies are aching for that delicious feeling when you come walking after us anyway, saying: “come here! Don’t you walk away from me.” – and if you look very closely, sometimes, you might see a little smile sneaking its way on to our face when you DO follow us.

12) We know there are bigger, taller, stronger, richer men out there. But one big reason we even pick on those things (how rich, tall, handsome, confident a man is), is because we feel the man’s masculine energy isn’t strong. The weaker a man’s masculine energy, the more picky we get. And most of us do not know this consciously ourselves, so most women will just say: “he’s too short.” “he’s to blonde for me.”

13) The richer, better looking men might get a lot of sex with a lot of women (which is what you want), but it is the most masculine men who are more likely to get a woman’s true devotion; where her heart and body are yours for LIFE.

I know that the amount of sex with the highest number of women matters. But it really doesn’t in the end, does it? Quite possibly, the same old emptiness and boringness of life will follow you around until the day you have attracted a devoted woman in to your life.

14) It’s hot when we point out how great another man’s skills are at something and you puff your chest out and look deeply in to our eyes with a look that says: “think he can do good? I can do better.”

Weaker men get upset and walk off when we do that. And that scares us very much. Not to mention it might be a turn off.

15) Women will screw around with you, muck up your ‘well thought out plans’ and accidentally disrespect your timetable. Expect it. You can’t control everything.

16) We have two X chromosomes.

Remember that the next time you think we lack integrity. Remember that the next time you think we are lying just to f*** with you.

We are not lying. We are being very truthful – to our emotions, that is. You are free to date another man, remember that!

17) Whenever you find yourself in a conversation with your woman thinking “YES! This conversation is going somewhere for ONCE!” – it probably isn’t.

We talk to you just for the enjoyment of connecting, sharing and talking; because it’s energy. That’s what women do – we share energy and we talk. Connection through talking makes our body feel alive and like butterflies are flying in our tummies.

Our conversations rarely have a point or purpose from a male perspective. We LIKE it that way. It makes us happy and it makes us giggle. You like us happy, don’t you?

18) Everything women want requires a lot of your energy. But everything men want requires a lot of energy, too. Your struggles and pain with women are not worse than our struggles and pain with men. They are just different.

19) Here’s a possible test to see whether you’ve got yourself a good, High Value woman. Use it a few times though before you decide she isn’t relationship-worthy, because it will take her time to trust you enough to respond lovingly. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

When you find a moment where you don’t know what you’re doing with your life,  or you are uncertain of something, instead of pretending that you know what you’re doing (we always pick up on it if you don’t), say to her with total certainty and direction in your body: “I don’t know where I am going at this moment.”

If she freaks out or criticizes you or closes down, try again, a few times. Give it several months, maybe a year. Maybe more. If she still responds badly, maybe she is better off being some other guy’s girlfriend.

20) Whenever you need to leave us or go do something important for an hour, a day, a week, or even months…it makes us feel so much safer and loyal to you if you come to us with total direction and say: “I’m going now to do some work. I will be back in such and such time. I may even love you still while I’m gone. (wink at her or kiss her).”

I know that it’s hard for you to learn to say that, as it’s not in your nature unless you’ve practised it many many times.

But how much does her loyalty and trust in you actually matter to You? Is it at least worth a little effort?

21) None of what I said above is true. There’s a practice run for dealing with the changeability and perceived lack of integrity of women in relationships. In reality, we are like the weather. You can’t ask us to rain. You can’t tell us not to storm. And you love it. Because the more predictable we are, the less desirable we are. And so be it. What you do with it is up to you.

Click here to join the Understanding Men program and gain better understanding of men.


  • Devang Joshi

    I seek your guidance and suggestion for one of the problem I am suffering. Please advise on which email id I should put u my sharings.

    warm regards,

  • gaby

    what do you mean by the “hot ones?” Number 10)

    • I mean whatever the man considers to be hot. Hot is contextual and dependent on his taste.

  • David

    Test comment.

  • JohnC

    the chapter just doesn’t seem realistic. have you ever really felt this way, in real life? not fair to get women’s and men’s hopes up

  • Michelle

    Hi Renee,

    I just had to share this with you. I forwarded this article to my live-in bf of 3 years and here’s his response: “The person who wrote this should read the book “Men will only read down to bullet point #7″…”

    I laughed out loud when I read his response, but was also baffled and asked him about it later. He said that after reading #7, he scrolled down and when he saw there were 21 points in total, he just couldn’t continue on. Said he’d have to read it in small sections over a few days because all those points were too much ’emotional overload’ for him. He also swore it had nothing to do with not caring about my happiness, or not being interested in how we women work which was my initial suspicion. He’s an uber manly alpha male btw. Just something to think about for future articles you write for the alpha males we love! Haha

    • LOL michelle.

      Your boyfriend is no different to my expectations of how men would deal with/react to the article when I first sat down to write it.

      It’s called writing for reasons other than ‘so that men will read it.’

      Think – are there other reasons I would have written this article?

      Most men won’t bother reading it.

      • Michelle

        Ooh Renee, you are so clever! So are you saying you wrote it for us women to better understand ourselves and be better able to articulate what’s going on with us when our men are baffled/frustrated?

        • Haha, in time, you will know why I wrote it! 🙂

          • MIchael

            Very clever.

            I found myself at point #6 ready to stop but then I saw more at the bottom of my screen.

            Not to be chauvinistic, but I was not surprised when there were 20 plus points.

            I am so grateful for the last part where Renee said none of the above was true.

  • Bruce

    Writing as a man, this is very helpful to us. But I want to take issue with number 7. This is the source of more unnecessary drama, frustration and frankly, stupidity than anything else here. Men are incapable of reading minds. We like and need simple,,clear, direct instructions.. Expecting us to read your mind ends up in unmet expectations and needs, lots of frustration and a profoundly pissed off man- none of these make a relationship stronger. Lesson to all women out there-if you actually want a man to meet your needs, you have to communicate what they are in a direct, logical, clear, simple,fashion. Otherwise your man will look for a woman who can, because that means (for him) a drama-free, happy and successful relationship – and who, man or woman, doesn’t want that???

    • Joan

      I just love it when men post here. It tells me that you are open and willing to read what we are trying to do. 🙂

      But don’t you know that being direct, logical and all that is very hard for a woman sometimes? And it isn’t like we can make ourselves understood when we try that. Men have a way, and they are sometimes just a mystery to us women.

      But, don’t you think it would mean a lot when you see that you are making the effort to try to reach out and at least forge your way through the complications? You can make a mistake its ok. A High Value Woman will be honored and appreciate you for it.

      • Bruce Bower

        Being direct is tough for women…but reading minds is just as hard for men. We make the effort, but you can really help us out by communicating as much as possible in a direct fashion. It’s the old “Help me to help you” thing.
        I’ve seen so, so many relationships deteriorate because the woman loses her temper with her man for not meeting her needs / expectations…when the man literally has no idea what they are! Talk about frustration. And no man wants to experience frustration in his relationship- he wants to relax and be accepted.

        • Joan

          Well, I don’t lose my temper in the real sense of the word. I depend on my emotions all the time now. When I speak from an emotional place, somehow my words come across. And my fellow is ok with it. My rule is I don’t fight like a man. My fella is pure Frenchman and a really tough one at that. So I don’t even try that. lol

          If your woman is not being fully vulnerable it is hard for a man. I know, I was in that boat once, never to try that again. I remember him telling me that he just wanted to relax and be accepted. You know, I heard him but it didn’t reach me for some reason. I hated that. I’m sure your woman hates it too.

          I feel it is better to walk away than fight. Especially if you have children please. Its better to get to a calm place, think it through then speak in words that consider the other persons feelings. Put yourself in their shoes.

          I hope I’m making sense.

        • Joan

          I used to be like that. Now, I use my emotions even when dealing with the most complicated of feelings and needs I have. It seems to work. My rule is that I don’t fight like a man. My fella is a pure Frenchman and a tough one at that. lol so I don’t go there.

          I think its best to go to a place to calm down first to make sure that things don’t get too heated. Especially if you have children around.

          When you become calm only then you can consider the other persons feelings. The thing is that we get mad at the other person and forget that they have a point to make. And arguments start that make no sense.

    • Tanya

      I’m glad you said this Bruce. I’m a very direct woman & say exactly what I want & need. No drama. So its good to hear men like this. Only problem is if I tell him directly that doing or not doing this or that hurts my feelings, or that I want to have sex now, or just explaining what I like & need, or just wanting to communicate & connect, and then he doesn’t understand or feels overwhelmed by my directness, or doesn’t integrate into the relationship what I’m asking, it just gets me hurt, angry and/or frustrated. And then I directly get mad at him! 😛 Some men can’t handle/get overwhelmed by a woman rich & full in mind, body & soul.

  • Joan

    Oh my the timing of this. I was talking to my fella. He kept saying get to the point. Get to the point. Get to the point. He does that sometimes. I said, there is no point if you want a point go date another man. More drama queen stuff from me, then he was quiet. lol

    • gruvee

      Oh c’mon that was funny. IMO wasn’t drama queeny 🙂

    • Yes, this is wonderful! I was entranced from point #1 !
      Renee, you should have this put up on billboards throughout the country. My biggest issue is trust. My man wants me to be his woman, and I am going to use your line, “the more I trust you, the more you will own me” (p.s. He already does, but I am wanting to make the extra point !)
      And in reply….yes, he always says that to me too….”get to the point!” =)

    • Joan

      I’ve grown a lot since writing this statement just a few short days ago. I’ve been taking the Understanding Men course. I feel silly now.

  • S. Leigh

    Dear Renee-

    I think this article is very interesting. I have been following you for some time now via your emails, and I definitely agree with the difference in nature between men and women. I think a lot of men like you mentioned above do fall into their feminine side and turn away women, I’ve had this time and again. I also agree with the poster about female friends. As a young attractive teen who was always the new girl, females constantly hated me, it took me time to realize why I experienced so much drama in school and had such a small network of women. Then it clicked being the new attractive girl on the block made me a threat… Fortunately teen years pass and I am blessed…BLESSED… To have a great network of women. It truly is key for women to have other women around.

    Correct me if I am wrong but what I believe is that we are not here for drama in the stereotypical sense of the word but we are here to lift up, nurture, support and love our fellow women. I take the word drama you speak of in this article as the type of drama a man views a woman who has emotions. Emotions I have seen do scare some men, and those men are not strong enough to weather a woman… Because we just need to feel through what we are experiencing and then like a storm it passes.

    I think your article are very provocative to some who do not see the yin and yang of the female male relationship, however, it is a very real and natural thing. I definitely believe many woman have been changed by society, myself included, into needing to carry more masculine energy to “survive” in today’s world, but for me, hands down, I desire a man that will allow me to be my full self & appreciate the beauty that my feminine energy is.

    Lastly, cause its very early where I am and I am not as coherent as I’d prefer to be… Thank you for the part to men on having casual sex with women, especially multiple times and it affecting our hormones. I am currently involved with someone who on one level I could see myself marrying but on another level is pure confusion, and a turn off. I know 100% that us women secrete hormones that cause us to bond with men even if we feel its not right… I know the man I am with is not my boyfriend, however, we are exclusive… However, I find it hard to trust like you were saying above & get confused as to if its me being scared and overly cautious or if he really is just using me for sex :-/
    It’s very hard for me with this one to discern and weed through the “red flags” because I’ve always been a gut person and he triggers my “red flags” but the second guess comes in and says maybe its because of my last relationships and baggage I carry.

    Do you have any articles on this? I’ve seen the casual relationship article and we are definitely NOT that, but maybe something that can help to discern about trust?

    Thanks for the awesome article… I love hearing other views and takes on things.

    S. Leigh

  • gruvee

    Hi Serena,
    Wow. Sounds like you experienced a lot of crap with some women. My experience has been the opposite, I’ve found most of my female friends DON’T engage in competition and drama, except the roommate I’m referring to, which I’ve wondered (perhaps erroneously) is part of the feminine storming stuff Renee is referring to.

    Hi Renee,
    Your question to another commentator raised an “aha” in me. Ohhhh I love praise…and I shower men with praise, not with challenge. I wonder if this is something I need to change. I let them know what I love and admire about them, because I do, and also I know that’s what makes me feel good. Could that kill the attraction, for a guy?

  • abbie


    did you mean to tell men in #16 that they are free to date other men?

    (interestingly, i’ve actually been concerned that this guy i like/d may be bi/gay but in denial/not allowing himself to be).

    • Eva

      Abbie, I think what she meant is he is free to date someone in their masculine energy if he can’t deal with a real woman…and so she literally said “a man,” in this case. It was tongue in cheek. Is that right, Renee?

      • Yeah, Eva, it is to say that if they want it to be easier then, date men, someone just like themselves!

  • Serena

    Hey Renee, I have a question 🙂

    I’m feeling so confused lately. I feel in my heart that I am feminine. I feel that I am full of love, happiness and giggles 😛 I know that I have a truly loving nature and that I feel more alive when I’m open to people I love and surrounded by beauty. I am emotional, passionate, creative and playful 🙂

    However, I HATE drama with a passion. I rarely throw tantrums because I feel that it isn’t me at all! I usually deal with problems in a logical, rational way instead of using my emotions. I tend to have a LOT of focus in multiple occasions to and avoid going “all over the place” as you described feminine energy to be. It’s not because I’ve been raised by society to have this frame of mind (I know that FOR SURE), but more because I am a very intellectual person and I feel that this way of thinking and acting is really PART of me.

    Also, by reading the comments of other women on this page, I realize that I would be stimulated by challenge (I find it fun :P), but I would still feel beautiful and extremely happy if someone told me I was pretty (or that they liked my outfit and anything like that). However, I tend to AVOID female friends because of the drama and shallow compliments I get. I feel more welcomed and secure with my male friends with who I can open up completely and take on challenges 😛 (It feels great when they tell me I’m beautiful though!)

    I’ve always felt I’m more feminine (I do have masculine personality traits, but I believe every woman has a minimum of them), but reading your descriptions of what a feminine woman does confused me. I don’t know if I’m really feminine anymore and that makes me sad because I believed I was attractive as a feminine woman 🙁

    My boyfriend, who is a complete Alpha Male to me(confidence, intelligence, masculinity, etc. I love him so much!) says he describes me as very feminine, but bit tomboy-ish. I do like typical “guy: stuff (video games, sports, electronics) more than typical “girl” stuff (makeup, clothes, etc.)

    Is it really possible to have a high feminine energy (and to exploit it) while still preferring, for instance, video games to makeup? Is it possible to be attractive and feminine WITHOUT loving dramas and throwing tantrums and loving a challenge?

    I am so confused 🙁

    • Mona

      Don’t worry, just be yourself.
      In traditional cultures being patient and calm is seen as feminine qualities. Being drama queens would be frowned upon and not seen as feminine, at least when displayed towards men. It’s seen as ok though when women behave like that amongst each other.
      As for not being interested in make up, it might be a sign that you accept yourself the way you are and know that you are enough as a woman and don’t fall for marketing strategies that tell you you have to wear face paint to be acceptable. That is a very feminine trait I would say, but maybe I feel like that because I’m the same lol. Anyway I don’t think make up has a lot to do with femininity. Looking feminine yes, but you don’t need make up for that, and many women with make up are not feminine.

      • Serena

        Thank you sooo much for your reply Mona! It was very insightful and I feel better about myself 🙂 It’s a boost of confidence indeed!

    • Nana

      Hi Selena,
      First of all, as long as you allow yourself to be who you are, you are just perfect.
      Just a note about something that got my attention : you say you avoid girls.
      Connecting to and sharing with other girls is, according to me, a huge part of what makes us living in our feminity.
      I don’t mean you’re not feminine in your gut, I’m saying that you’re maybe retaining a part of your feminity by doing so. You’re maybe wearing a mask.
      Being only with men can’t make you fulfill your whole feminity (I think). When a man spend time only with girls, don’t you feel like he is getting less masculine and you get less sexual attraction for him?
      As men need to hang out with other men to feel masculine, we need the same with women. We, our sex, nurture our polarity by being together. We connect.
      When you say girls give you shallow compliments or dramas, I feel you’re not really loving girls, so how can you pretend you like being a girl? Is it because you consider you’re “more” than a girl? Like you are more special, maybe nicer…like guys can be? So guys are “better” than girls but it’s all fine because you’re a girl but not “Like the other ones”?
      You see, I feel some fears from you when you say you avoid girlfriends because of the shallow compliments and the dramas.
      Why do you say their compliments are shallow? And what is drama for you?
      Arent you running away from your own negative emotions? Emotions brought up through the compliments girls give you and that you believe you don’t “deserve”? Through the dramas they bring and which reactive your own negative emotions?
      Maybe you don’t like other girls because deep in you, you feel they are a threat for you? Like they can seduce the guys you like? Like they can be liked for being what you are not ?
      Maybe you accept to connect to your emotions only when they are all positive but you deny them when they’re not?
      Do you think this is what true feminity is?

      • Nana, wow! I’m floored. You left such a thoughtful response to Serena, it was wonderful to read. Thank You.

      • Serena

        Hey Nana 🙂 I realize that perhaps I have not expressed myself correctly, sorry about that. I sense a bit of anger in you.

        Even though I tend to avoid making friends with females, it doesn’t mean I have none! The thing is, I chose my friends VERY carefully as I do not want to open up and be vulnerable to the wrong people.

        Now as you said, women can be scared and insecure : what if he finds her prettier than me? What if she gets a loving man and I don’t? What If I end up alone? These are fears that most women get at some point. HOWEVER, most women hurt other women in order to feel better about themselves, hence the bitching, backstabbing, fake compliments, emotional destruction, betrayal, gossip (I’ve experienced that, and I NEVER want to experience it again). THIS is the drama and fake, shallow compliments part I’m referring too.

        I am not afraid that another woman will be “prettier” or more successful with men than me, I am afraid that they will hurt me and turn me into one of them.

        So I decide to hang with my male friends because I have NEVER experienced this kind of treatment from a man. They respect me and give me the love and friendship I crave for. 🙂 I do also have some close female friends with who I share a deep friendship with, but as I said, I tend to chose wisely 😉

        Hope that clarifies!

        • Mona

          I choose my girlfriends carefully, I have only a couple, but they are like sisters to me. I prefer that to having a large circle of people. To each their own.

    • Hi Serena, Why do you think I am saying being feminine means to be able to throw tantrums?

      I like challenges too. The question is which one (praise or challenges) makes you feel more alive more of the time. It’s pretty obvious that your core is feminine.


      P.S – in this society, it’s not unusual for feminine women to have completely detached from their enjoyment of praise, as it is made very wrong in many parts of the world. Overal, the feminine energy is made wrong.

      • Serena

        Thank you for clarifying Renee! I really appreciate your reply 🙂

      • Super Janice

        It’s good that you like challenges!

    • Jessica

      Serena, you have the best of both worlds. I like video games and sports as well as clothes and shoes. You like what you like. Hell yeah, you can exploit feminine energy and still like video games. Sure, you can be attractive and feminine without drama, temper tantrums, and loving a challenge. Do what you like and feel is best for you. If he can’t or won’t accept you and love you for you, he’s not worth your time and energy. Continue to be your true self.

    • Super Janice

      I like your rational personality!

    • Super Janice

      Don’t avoid me!

    • Super Janice

      I enjoy singing but I am not playful. You are more feminine than me.

  • Jade

    Thought about e- mailing this, but think I will print it out and show it to my other half after dinner. It should be a good conversation piece with the wine

  • HI Renee!

    This is great advice for men from a woman’s perspective, and I have shared this with my friends on my facebook.

    As I was reading this, I thought of a conversation that a friend and I had quiet awhile back. My girlfriend and I were discussing how it seems that men who are truly masculine at their core always seem to want to fix problems, and that it seemed that when they see a woman crying and TRULY being in pain and suffering they don’t know how to FIX it, as they seem to believe that there is something that needs to be fixed. As my girlfriend and I were talking I was telling them how my ex had made me cry (though his intent certainly WAS NOT to hurt me), and as he was sitting there holding me, he says, “What can I do so that this NEVER happens again?” I was telling my girlfriend that I felt that the best way for a man to handle when I was crying was to just hold me and let me have my moment. To really BE there with me.

    I still feel that this is true for me. Though I did love it when he took the time after I had cried, and tickled me to make me laugh! I instantly felt better and it was deeply appreciated. I noticed that even when he simply noticed that I was upset and tried to make me smile or calm me down that I appreciated it beyond. Sometimes, I was too busy throwing a classical bitch fit, though I don’t really understand why I continued throwing my bitch fit because I felt better and relieved that he tried to calm me. That he CARED enough to calm me.

    I’m not sure how much it is relevant to this, but I hope that it helps someone :). Perhaps, this is what you meant when you were talking about when you said that any feeling we have will pass.

    Also, I find it to be infinitely SEXY when a man asserts his dominance! Personally, I LOVE IT! Especially, when he is so focused on his ultimate goal and not only talks about his ambition but ACTIVELY WORKS toward that ambition. Furthermore, when a man takes risk it is BEYOND SEXY, and my respect and admiration grows for him. 🙂


    While this might take me awhile to trust him, I do with time and experience come to trust the man completely 🙂 <3.

    • Super Janice

      I think I should work towards my ambition!
      I worked through one of my ambitions, which is to find out my Enneagram type and MBTI type.
      At first, I thought I am Type 4 for Enneagram only because I am vulnerable and my favourite songs are different from others and I enjoy the fact that I am unique. However, I find out that I always have good results in academics, enjoy singing in front of people and being famous, cried when I failed in sports answered B for questions 8 and 10 in the sexual essence quiz (http://www.thefemininewoman.com/2010/04/are-you-masculine-feminine-or-neutral-a-quiz/) because I am afraid of failure. Hence, I am Type 3 for Enneagram.
      As for MBTI, I thought I was an ENFP because I get excited easily.
      ENFPs, INFPs and ISTJs get bored if their life never changes. I don’t get bored if my life never changes. I enjoy eating same kind of food over and over again, especially mushrooms.
      Besides, to be an ISTJ, I must have inferior Ne, which leads me to worry most of the unknowns. However, I enjoy trying new things.
      Hence, I am an ESTJ.

  • Kathy

    Hey Renee,

    I just wanted to know, do you think it’s normal for your man to fantasize about people he knows (outside of porn). For example, a co-worker, your sister or even friends. So many men write about how they are happily married but fantasize about their woman’s best friend, sister or even a co-worker.

    I don’t want this in my relationship and I am more than willing to do what it takes to fulfill my man so he doesn’t do that. I understand a thought may enter your mind but I think when you love someone and your fulfilled the thought should leave as quickly as it comes. I know men are different but I just don’t think I can be open to a man who is imaging having sex with his co worker or my sister just because they are attractive.

    By the way, I have no problem with porn because its an outlet and I understand it myself. Its more fantasizing about real attainable women that hurts. Especially when they are close friends, family or people he works with every day.

    Thanks Renee, love your stuff!!

    • Hi Kathy, was your man the type of man who slept around a lot before he met you?

  • reflecting

    Just to add…

    I was in the chip shop yesterday, the man who runs it asked if I was ok, he said I seemed quite, or it was something along those lines.

    I told him I wasn’t feeling very well but led him to believe it was physical as I didn’t think it would be appropriate to any information other than that.

    I noticed instantly through his tone of voice and just the way he was communicating that he was showing genuine man concern.

    Believe me I don’t have the knowledge or the skills to article this information, but I know in my heart of hearts that it was a good man act (behavior).

    It was so LOVELY, it.completely up lifted and eliminated my every essence in way that translated complete happiness in that very moment. As if for a moment all my worries and fears switched off.

    So yes, I know 100, 000, 000, 000% that there are good trust worthy men that completely up lift womens spirits just by being them.

    Unfortunately I’m in no fit mental state of mind to experience these types of interactions with as a normal way of life.

    Actually when people are nice and I experience that sort of feeling, my whole believe system subconsciously translates back, “I don’t deserve this”, and I feel myself pulling back!

    Imagine if a child got beaten by a carer day in day out from as far back as they can remember, they are neglected and never get birthday or Christmas presents, then one day someone shows them a bit of kindness and has brought them a Christmas present out of surprise, imagine what that child might be like… well there is a good chance deep down that no matter how momentarily happy that child would be, they wouldn’t want it because it’s doesn’t match there believe system so it wouldn’t feel right.

    Well that didn’t happen to me but it’s just am example based on the pictures in my mind.

    But hey, two years ago I wouldn’t have known a real difference between a noun and verb, I couldn’t do division and never learnt percentages and now it’s all become second nature as much as my knowledge is limited. It goes to show that anyone can be reconditioned with enough repetition.

    Personally I wouldn’t choose to open up to men unless I know that I was being high value and feminine because anything else could be up for slaughter process and I don’t think anyone feminine core wants to experience feelings of being gashed up internally by knife of masculinity.

    Just my own way of describing things.

    I can hold my head up high knowing that my attempts to be of person with higher standards will attract better energied people in the future.

    Oh I was watching a couple of YouTube videos with Tony Robbins, he’s a captivating man and totally motivated as well as uplifted me.

  • Reflecting

    I like this advice and it has given me a’lot of insight and clarification into my biology.

    When you say that for men show some level of security to women, if they have to go off and do what they have to do, I felt an instant smile emerge on my face, without choice, lol :-D.

    Also I’ve talked to everyone I know about my past, none stop! And I keep telling people and I’m telling them because deep down I feel really sad and miss understood in a way that I just don’t think anyone would understand, but when I try to express it I feel that I’m a problem to people.

    It’s horrible as if my whole international is going through a process of rejection every time and now I’m one highly fucked up individual were I have difficulty functioning in an adult world, but every day is a working progress.

    I don’t know how but I started coming to my senses because I decided to disassemble the idea of fighting for an award winning career, because I really don’t need it, I really don’t need to be in masculine mode for any more time than I’ve already trained myself up to be; it’s gut wrenchingly uncomfortable!

    I’m unhappy with this conditional self made system of I must do this or I must do that… NO fuck that!! I’ve already got a self ready baby making system in place, ready for reproduction when the situation calls for it, lol :).

    Well, women’s brains are definitely confusing to understand because I’ve already confused myself in my writing this (I have no system, I speak at random states of communication but it all makes sense in my mind or why else would I have said all this).

    Oh yeah, that’s true also when you say that women attach emotions to memories, and that explains a’lot to my emotions.

    I will say one thing though. I was a people pleasing woman all my life, but even still I hate selfish men that are only out for themselves and would just want to use women for sex in a hurtful way. Even this past pleasing woman doesn’t like that.

    On a final I would like to add that I like this note to men as I feel more uncomfortable with an unpredictable man.

    I have trouble with my femininity showing up, but I refuse to allow it to affect my life any longer, which has taken a hell of a’lot for a person with my behavior to reach this conclusion in my mind.

    Anyone who has been the recipient of early developmental abuse of a main carer will grow with an unhealthy mental attitude, for me just one of the painful outlets has been learnt helplessness, ok I’ve totally lost track of my whole point, but it’s taken a’lot to realize I don’t need a career.

    Over the course of the next two years I plan to work on personal development, and then I want to think about men, when I’m able to think from a healthier mindset.

    I know there are good men, you are right though the feminine woman blog, when women make excuses up of…”he’s too blond, he’s too short”, that’s bullshit!

    Attraction isnt logic, it’s emotional!

    Energy isn’t appearance is it…I’ve been badly attracted to men with red hair, but no, that isn’t the social norm is it.

    He had a higher body fat percentage, Ginger hair, he was 14 and I was 15 but he was a I like/loved forever at that time.

    He was 42 and I was 22, he didn’t look like Brad Pitt and wasn’t a millionaire, yet he gave me the feeling of safety that NOBODY on this planet ever could.

    Yes, but anyway I shall now focus on connecting to my feminine energy and trying to become more high value.

    There are good men I know, but maybe men don’t get enough credit or positive reinforcement.

  • AC

    Ahh Renee,
    You are so amazing! Your point, #10 I believe, resonated with me deeply. I’ve never considered the fact that my complete faithfulness to my man now is a direct result of him being an Alpha Make. I think you are right… That inside he is a true Alpha Male; unrefined manliness. I’ve never had to work this hard at a relationship or tried to understand someone so deeply. We used to clash a lot in the beginning. At first I thought he wasn’t right for me because all the other people I dated understood me so easily & I understood them. Now I realise it was because he was a masculine man & I was a feminine woman. Now I realise we are right for each other. He’s learning to handle my feelings now very well, and he knows they will always pass. Last night we were talking about his car & how it always broke down, and I asked if he was thinking of selling it & getting a new one, and he said “No, I picked that car, it was the one I wanted, & I’m not scared of a little trouble.” And then I hugged him and said “that’s why you’re still with me isn’t it?” Yes, there are some good things about being with a masculine man.

    • Awww you are so sweet for saying that to your man AC 🙂 turning your differences in to something you appreciate – congrats! Many people wouldn’t ever do that. 🙂

      And thanks for saying I’m amazing, I feel happy that this post resonated with you so much!


  • Pamela


    I am convinced feminine women feel compelled to make safe lovely places for everyone – to bring warmth and love everywhere – with so much interaction in our worlds and so often in new and different contexts with people we don’t know well, it gets harder and often frustrating. Thus perhaps the storming at times. I know those men and friends who kindly suggest I eat food or take a nap are dearly appreciated – even just a little hug. Being able to be cared for is such a treat. I like your summary of feelings passing and appreciating those who can stand with us. Looks and money etc have never mattered to me – its always how a man or anyone shows respect and takes responsibility for those around him. It’s big work and I understand retreating rather than unraveling. I adore those who take responsibility. Because I surely feel it as my job, just in a different way than a man that attracts me – and appreciate nothing more than his strong presence inspiring me to relax a bit and recharge myself. Love those men! Xo

  • Gwen

    Actually, I think I AM very predictable. Like a clockwork. I expect a high standard of reliability from myself and I expect no less from my partner.

    I’m not really in touch with my emotions. I hardly ever communicate to a man coming from my emotions. I rarely get emotional. If I do, I share it, but mostly, I have the mindframe of a Vulcan.

    I am an INTJ woman. Although I know the Myers-Briggs test holds no scientific value, it is still quite accurate. INTJ make up a very small fraction of the general population. Most INTJ are men. A female INTJ is an even rarer phenomenon.

    In essence, there are some critical points where I am not like a typical woman. I have been reading your blogs and trying to put your advice into practice, but there is no point in doing things that are not in my nature. To the outside world, I am very much “British” – polite to everyone, but very private, sort of closed off, and my ex described me as “unreachable”. (Just watch an episode of Star Trek:TNG and look at Captain Picard’s behaviour if you want to get a clearer picture. That’s essentially me.)

    I have observed that many of my ex-boyfriends, while looking very masculine, exhibited lots of feminine traits. They are concerned about their looks, unreliable, and act like a diva. I don’t like their being unreliable. I am looking for someone who is reliable, loyal, and doesn’t act like a drama queen. I realise I might have attracted these people because I am the exact opposite of a drama queen. However, I don’t want to get rid of what I consider as a good trait! (i.e. being emotionally stable, reliable, and not causing any drama.)

    So my question is…

    Is it possible for me – and does it make sense – to look for and build a stable relationship with a man with the qualities I desire even though I am not a typical feminine woman and some of your advice doesn’t work for me because it isn’t in my nature –

    OR should I date women instead?

    I’d be happy to get some advice!

    • Gwen

      Just so I don’t forget:

      I have asked myself whether I am denying my true nature in being the way I am.

      I am NOT. I am already living my true nature.

      I have a perfectly balanced 50% male 50% female brain. I am fairly sure that my life would be no different if I was male – I would just look different biologically.

      And if you’re curious, I’m a scientist…

      • Hey Gwen,

        Thanks for your nice comment. I really appreciate you commenting and sharing yourself here.

        Well, I suppose you might have heard that 10% of the population is equally as masculine as they are feminine in their nature, have you heard that before?

        And 10% of men are more feminine in nature, it just so happens that way.

        Of course, 10% of people who are born females are actually more masculine in their nature, I believe it is their biochemistry that makes them this way.

        So I guess my advice may not be for you at all, but before we come to that conclusion, let’s try to see what your true nature is?

        Which of these two things would make you feel more alive?

        You wear a nice outfit and someone says to you: “oh Gwen, you look SO beautiful! I love your outfit!”


        Someone comes up to you and says: “Gwen I bet you can’t eat this entire bag of chips!”

        Which one would make you feel more alive? If it is both equally, that’s ok too. 🙂

        • Gwen

          Hey Renee,

          thanks so much for your reply, I really appreciate it!

          Very very hard choice, I must say!

          I have to say that the nice comment about my outfit would make me really happy! …because I have absolutely no sense of fashion! 😀 (sad but true – also very much an INTJ thing. Mostly, we INTJs think fashion is pointless and choose clothing based on its functionality: Does it keep me warm? Does it fit? Does it look normal? Done)

          However, I ADORE challenges!!! I am an extreme sports junkie and I can’t resist challenges!

          It’s 55% outfit comment vs. 45% challenge!

          And it just occurred to me that it seems like I need *BOTH* to feel alive!

          What do I do now? I’m a bit confused.^^

          • Hi Gwen,

            It is hard for me to say this is CONCRETE truth as I can’t see your face or talk to you in person.

            From what you’ve described here, it seems as though you might be someone who is equally moved by challenges as you are by praise.

            A woman who is more feminine at her core than she is masculine is usually much more moved by praise and might find the people posing challenges a total ‘WTF’ moment.

            The fact that you seem equally stimulated by both makes me entertain the idea that you are more neutral in sexual energy.

            How does me saying that sound to YOU though?

            It could just be years of conditioning having you dull your feminine energy, but it doesn’t feel like it. I feel you are being true to who you are.

            Wow, I wonder what it’s like in your world? 80% of women are actually more feminine in their biology, so I am sure you’ve felt like they don’t relate to you or that you can’t relate to them many times before, yes?

            • Gwen

              Hi Renee,

              Thanks so much for your quick reply! It’s amazing, you make me feel understood!

              It sounds … accurate! Plausible and accurate. It’s a relief to realise it’s not odd, just different.

              Yes, you are absolutely right! Partly, I am also reading your blog to understand more feminine women better. I get on well with my friends, but many of my best friends are actually men – or women in similar jobs like mine: science, pharmacy, medicine etc., so they are more similar to me.

              However, even they confuse me sometimes or have conversations that sound like Chinese to me. I am fascinated, feeling like I am studying some strange phenomenon, but I can’t participate in their conversation.

              Typical example:
              Girl A: Wow, what’s that jean you are wearing? Where did you get it from?
              Girl B: I got it from XYZ! It is really nice and fits well, and right now they have sales, so I got it with another pair for 50% off…
              Girl A: Awesome! I think they could suit me as well! I should really go there soon, too.
              (15 minutes of more fashion talk)
              (after 15 minutes)
              Me: You know, bungeejumping is really awesome.

              Thanks Renee. I’ve always felt odd because I was different and couldn’t fit in with the other girls, but as I get older I learn to accept myself more the way I am and I am relieved that there’s not really anything wrong with me, that I am just part of a minority and that’s all. It makes me feel much happier to finally be able to be true to myself. 🙂

            • Gwen

              My comment “Bungeejumping is really awesome” is then followed by a long silence by the other two girls – because they, in turn, cannot really relate to me, either…

              There’s another typical story I’d like to share, about how I bond with a guy:

              Sometimes it feels important to me to prove that I’m brave. So I was talking to this guy about going skydiving together.
              At first, it was just a minor thing, a small idea. But it soon evolved into a challenge. I said I’d go with him, so he said he would take me by my word. Things got more and more serious. So we booked the tickets. I think we were both nervous, but at this point, neither of us wanted to back down – both of us wanted to prove we were “tough”, “brave”, etc.

              Finally, one day, we went there, did it and shared a memorable experience together.

              Since then, I’ve done some similar stuff with my guy friends. It’s amazing how much you can bond with others by overcoming a challenge together! A girl I barely knew and went bungeejumping with spontaneously hugged me afterwards.

              I would like to inspire every woman here to explore her adventurous side. It’s a lot of fun and it can be a great way of bonding with your man, your guy friends, or anyone! And it’s certainly something you will never forget 🙂

              • Hi Gwen, thanks for your tip here. It is a great way to bond with your man, if the woman wants to go, that is 🙂

                I guess, with regards to dating, you know who and what you like.

                I know this is rather personal, but we may be able to get somewhere with it.

                How important is sex to you? Could you go without it? And in the bedroom, would you rather be ‘taken’ by your sexual partner or be the one doing the taking?

                Is Harrison Ford sexy to you? (random question I know) – he was the sexiest man in the world for quite some time – I know he’s older and all. But imagine when he was younger?

                Can you give a few celebrity examples that you find attractive?

        • Super Janice

          I don’t know.

  • Gracie Decker

    This was wonderful! I shared this on my facebook and I hope my guy friends read it!

    • Thank You Gracie 🙂 you are always so supportive and I thank you for that. XxX