How Men Think: Don’t Expect a Man to Put more “Effort” in to your Relationship than You

How Men Think

Whenever I suggest something like this, I risk a whole hoard of women hating me. Enough women hate my message as it is….and yet, it’s when I suggest this that I really feel women digging their nails in to me as if I have betrayed them and I am working against woman.

Quite the contrary. When I say this, I say it from a place of understanding of masculine men. (Click here to take the quiz “How feminine am I actually”) I say it because I intend for more women in the world to have more happiness in their relationships with men.

I do my best to communicate my best intentions in every piece of writing that I do, but I’m not able to clearly communicate everything to every woman reading.

All I want is for women to experience the same freedom from their fears I have learned to experience in my interactions with men. And stop feeling like victims and actually keep a good relationship with a man, rather than break up with a man, later realising that the man did care about her.

How is it REALLY, for Men?

Here’s the thing about men who are born with more masculine hormones; and are therefore, in nature, masculine men.

Relationship is not their specialty. It simply isn’t.

Men care about having a relationship, and want a relationship, but they don’t come with the instinctive understanding about how to communicate and express love the way women might.

(Click here to get the “Goddess Report”)

Women are simply overall, better intuitively at understanding relationships and developing closeness with other humans than men are. Now, there are a lot of cold and callous women out there who don’t have the compassion to have any relationship at all. They couldn’t even hold a relationship with a frog. But that’s their own fear taking over their life, and they are certainly not living in their feminine energy, that’s for sure.

Men want relationships, but they may not know how to go about it. They don’t generally talk about relationships with other men, sometimes they don’t even think to do that. It’s great for the men who do talk about it, but most men just don’t. See these 5 insights on men that I wrote about…

Why Men Just Aren’t as Intuitive when it comes to Relationships…

A single man might think about a relationship and having one, say 1-10% (maximum) that a single woman would.

See, for many women, it’s generally well understood that if we have a good relationship; then we are successful. Other women look at and observe our relationship. We compare relationships, we compare mate quality, we compare how much another woman’s man does for us compared to what our man does for us…

For a MAN – (and this is from a male’s perspective), nobody cares if he has a great relationship apart from his woman. For a man, his success is judged by how much he has achieved (money, status, career, influence, social dominance, etc).

Now think about this:

WHO thinks about relationships more? Men or women? Women.

Who do you think is going to be more successful and in tune to relationship problems? The person who thinks about it more or the person who thinks about it less?

That’s for you to answer.

Here’s the really interesting thing: for women who don’t have a happy relationship in their life just yet, Many of them read books that involve romance. They watch movies that involve romance. They FILL UP their need for relational happiness with romance novels and dramatic movies. Or they talk about their relationship; or about the single life with their friends.

And yet….do you see many single men with romance novels?

Didn’t think so.

Relationship is OUR Specialty

For a feminine woman; we are driven to seek out relationships. It IS our specialty. We read subtle body language, subtle tones in spoken words (feminine energy actually hears primary mood and tone) and we can talk for hours.

But get this – unless he’s been trained or had experience – men won’t even notice subtle body language or subtle changes in a woman’s tone of voice, and even if he does become conscious of it – he can’t compute in his mind that you want him to actually come forward and work out what you mean, (in other words, give you more attention and reassurance that he is there for you).

For example. You’re out at a party one night, and a woman who has always been a bitch to you comes up to you and makes some snide remark that is passive aggressive like ‘oh you look soooo CUTE!’ in a condescending tone. After she leaves, you say to the man you’re with “oh my gosh, did you hear the way she said that?! She’s such a bitch!” and he looks blankly back at you, not understanding what you mean and not seeing what just happened.

As Long as Everyone is Fed…

See, all these little details in communication between people are not a man’s domain. He doesn’t care, as it doesn’t coincide with his life’s mission; which is to win, to get something done and to get to the point.

A lot of men think that as long as he works hard to provide, that this is enough, and the woman will be happy. Obviously, women know that’s not true.

To a man, this is effort. This is HIS form of effort. Not yours.

To a man, if a woman is upset or angry, and he sees that everyone is well fed and seems to have access to enough resources….his brain can’t understand her being upset! SHE must be crazy!

She must be…she’s crying in a situation that I wouldn’t cry in. That’s how men think.

What I am suggesting you try to understand is this:

I’m not saying Men don’t put EFFORT in, I’m saying, men may not put effort in to a relationship the way YOU want him to. That can take a man time to learn.

Women get by on Subtle Relations and Communication… Men Don’t

Now, by the way, sometimes, if you’re lucky, a man might have picked up on this subtle energy from the nasty woman saying ‘oh you look soooo CUTE!’…usually though, he wouldn’t have.   And you are left feeling lonely because he doesn’t understand the devastation you had to just go through with that awful woman.

It’s quite funny really. Communication between women (especially OUTSIDE of the work force, and outside of other masculine environments), mostly occurs in an ‘implication’ type of way…we imply what we mean, we make suggestions or go around in circles beating around the bush (talk about our feelings rather than list a problem directly) until someone else paraphrases what we’re saying…until someone indicates that they are willing and able to understand our words and thoughts.

This doesn’t happen with men. Men are direct. And what I’ve learned is, what a woman thinks is direct is STILL not direct in a man’s mind!

See my article on the one masculine skill all women need in dating…

Women Communicate Indirectly

And it’s a huge frustration for many, many men, dealing with women….wishing and wondering why women just can’t TELL him what it is that she wants…but if you were to ask a feminine woman, we don’t WANT to do that.

We can learn to do that…but we have massive resistance to doing that, because it’s not natural in our physical body; OR because we feel that the directness will get us hurt, or hurt a man’s feelings.

It took me years to realise this…I can now communicate my wants to my man more directly if it is needed (not always, I prefer to be indirect and see if he picks up on it…luckily, after so many years together with my husband and a ridiculously good understanding of women, my man picks up on around 50% of my ‘implied meanings’) ie: “it’s starting to smell in the kitchen… it’s actually starting to smell a bit like trash.’

And he will almost always say: ‘I’m taking the trash out now.’ And we look at each other and laugh, because I still couldn’t find it in me to say ‘take the trash out now David’. My instinctive way of interacting is indirect communication. It’s like I don’t even think and what comes out of my mouth is an indirect communication…

I’m just (very subconsciously) hoping the person I’m talking to cares enough to figure out what I mean.

Why shouldn’t you Expect a Man to put More “Effort” in to your relationship than You?

I believe that the very desire in us women to have men put more effort in to a relationship is a lie. That’s what we SAY we want, but what we really MEAN, is that we just want to know we have a man’s commitment. We want him to tell us we have his commitment, repeatedly, for the rest of our life.

Yet, men are often far too clueless about women’s need for reassurance and security to ever pick up on our NEED for that, that we get more and more frustrated, and the more frustrated we get, the more we try to ‘talk’ about things with a man….which leads us to think that our talking is ‘working’ on the relationship..but it’s not.

Talking to another FEMALE is ‘working’ on your relationship or friendship with HER…it’s not classified as working on a relationship with a man.

Sure, sometimes, talking to a man, in some contexts, will work to get a certain result.

But…it’s the way we communicate that makes most of OUR OWN efforts to make a relationship better with men a waste of energy.

If the other person cannot receive your communication in a way that they need to hear’ve already failed at communicating. And it’s not fair to assume that men should just get us. That they should just get what we are saying.

(Again, men usually use words ONLY to hold conversations that have an actual POINT.)

We think he should talk to us more or show us more love…but what you have to understand is, all this talking and demanding that he put “more effort” in to the relationship doesn’t work in your favour, with men.

If more commitment and more love is really what you want, then you need to understand these three things:

1) Relationships are YOUR domain, not his. If he’s masculine. He NEEDS you, to be patient and to reward EVERYTHING great that he ever does, in order for him to start and do more of the right thing. He needs you to be there for him in that way.

Most men are totally happy alone. So they don’t often ‘get’ what is a good thing to do with a woman and what is a bad thing to do…

Have you ever noticed that very masculine men rarely feel the need to ‘call up’ their male friends to talk? Have you ever noticed that men get by without really contacting a lot of their circle of friends?

Masculine energy is at home alone…so they can go years without contacting family members or friends and still be ok.

My father was like this. My husband is no different, either. Masculine energy is at home being by itself. It’s ok living on an island for days, weeks, and months alone. It’s ok to meditate in a cave for days on end and forget about contacting you (really).

And here’s the shocking part: A LOT of men won’t even understand that you needed him to contact you when he was away or working.

2) ‘Work’ and ‘Effort’ is not what you need to put in. Understanding is, compassion is. And, almost always far more compassion than you think.

Most women’s idea of work is to talk and discuss and to dramatize things, hoping that her man will give her the response she wants (usually, more of his presence, more of his love, and reassurance that he loves her and won’t leave her).

Effort can mean anything. Work can mean anything. You could could put lots of ‘effort’ in to scratching your butt for an hour every day, but who would that benefit and what positive consequences would that have?

And don’t talk to me about how my advice is killing women because some men are just a**holes. This is taking what I am saying out of context. If he’s truly an a**hole and you don’t want to be with him, then you can choose not to be with him. I’m saying: having compassion for males is INDEPENDENT of your selection of a certain male, and whether you choose to be with a sleazebag or not.

The most basic spiriutal advice that anyone (and any book) can give is to have compassion, even for the people who have hurt you. It doesn’t mean I’m telling you to be patient with a total assbag. It just means; try developing some compassion even AFTER you’ve broken up with him.

It’s just a little try, that’s all I’m asking of you. After all, a little try is actually more than most women will do when it comes to men. Because it’s too scary to open to the possibility of compassion for *gasp* a MAN.

It’s funny how people make the mistake of thinking compassion is for the other person. It’s not; compassion is for YOU.


Trade ‘talking and discussing’ as your idea of ‘putting a lot of effort in’ for simple reinforcement of men’s good actions with your happiness!

3) If you want a masculine man, then expect relationship problems. Expect fights and expect extreme frustration. The more masculine a man is, the more different you are, so the more clashes you will have. (But don’t NOT expect bliss and the happiest time of your life). 

If you want things to be easy, then don’t have a relationship.

If you want things to be easy, then a wussy man might be what you want. If not a wussy man, then maybe a more feminine man. And even then, you’ll find it hard if you are feminine inside….because every cell in your body is actually hoping and willing for this man to be more masculine, have more direction, and be more present with you.

Men need YOUR help…

But if a very masculine man is what you want…you have to understand and respect that he needs YOUR help to be in the relationship with you. This idea of how to ‘help’ is something I go in to  in my Understanding Men Program.

In this program (my personal favourite of all our programs), I show you many ways to be closer to a man…from how to open him up to how to still be a woman and have your connection needs met without a man pulling away from you.

The takeaway from this article is this:

Men need your help to be in a loving relationship with you. This ‘help’ comes in many forms. The BEST place to start is by positively reinforcing all the GREAT things he does in a relationship with you, yes, even if it is small.

Thanks for reading! If you have any opinions or comments…leave them below! And if you liked the article, leave a comment just saying hi! I love hearing from you!



  • leowoman

    Truth be told, I don’t mind my man having a LITTLE bit a*shole in him. Oddly, I like the challenge, and with that being said, this was great advice!

  • ♛ Samantha Jane

    It’s typical of a woman raised within a male-mentality society to align her ideas with men. You know, if you changed the context here and made women into black people and men into white people, then this would cause extreme outrage. If you expect an equal society, you have to expect equality from either sides. That means, sure, women should remember that men are as sensitive and gentle (well, not the men on this comment thread), but you also have to expect men to stop laying judgement if we don’t look our best, or having a chip on your shoulder if you have to pay for an extra date because your girlfriend spent her last cash on sanitary and beauty items because society expects us to. Or making women seem like they have to do all the cooking and cleaning and getting angry if you have to do your share also. It goes both ways, writer. You really have to stop catering to the patriarchy.

  • KEKE

    These masculine men then don’t sound like quality relationship material. The author speaks of her father who was her example of how men behave but there’s a difference in having just a relationship and one of quality.

  • veetha29 .

    I am not quite feminine may be because I always speak direct to men. Some men couldn’t handle my truth and ran away. Later did I know that they were indeed wimpy. But I think a truly masculine man as you mentioned won’t give up such easily and I’ve met one. I don’t know where it will end but I just appreciate that he never gives up.

  • Kristina Pruett

    Its a lonely world being feminine and dealing with a masculin man that only needs you once in while. Meanwhile you cant say anything to him because that would be masculine.

  • Liza Alexander

    Wow, I found this article very helpful:) my boyfriend is very masculine and even when I know he cares, I feel I need that reassurance but maybe I’ve been seeking it in ways he doesn’t know I want it. I’m going to try the recognizing what great things he does do and understand that I might sometimes haev to give more effort but that doesn’t mean he cares any less than I do. It’s simply our expertise, and the whole him providing thing was great that you said because I see so badly he wants and strives to do that:) so thank you for this article

  • HowSoonIsNow

    These articles written by women are such garbage. Always subtle misandry. They never ask if women do enough? Men are exhausted having to do everything, pay for everything, be thoughtful, make a lot of effort …only to get a text message ending dating because women are impossible to please nowadays. So many nowadays are beyond selfish. Its evident by the stats of how many are in thier 40s and no willingness to put effort into getting married or having kids. They are rarely willing to talk through problems like and adult. …only to immaturely avoid conflict through silence and quitting.

    • Donna McIntosh

      That’s where you’re wrong. There are plenty of women who are appreciative and believe in talking through problems. It is the men who don’t like to discuss issues. They cop out on things. For example, if a man’s girlfriend or wife is not doing her part in the relationship, instead of talking with her about it, he decides to cheat. Keep in mind, if you want a woman’s best, you have to show that you are worthy of her by being kind and respectful. Giving is more than taking a woman out to dinner and a movie. A real man will not change who he is because of a few bad women. As I said, there are plenty of women who are appreciative.

  • Leo Valentine

    You know there’s actually more to men than ‘wussies’, feminine men you can never truly be happy with if you’re at all feminine yourself, and emotionally stunted meat heads. Is this genuinely your view of men? That they don’t need to talk or somehow don’t ‘get’ emotions, rather than lending any weight for a single second to the thought that maybe we live in a society where men are generally brought up to keep everything to themselves. Men aren’t children, and don’t need to be treated as such. I think you might find interacting with men a lot easier if you didn’t assume that they can all be categorised as either masculine (and, therefore, needing to be ‘trained’), or intrinsically undesirable because they aren’t masculine. Just my opinion.

  • Jeanette

    In my case, I’m female and I’m the primary breadwinner of the household. I am running two companies while trying to maintain a healthy relationship with my boyfriend (who earns far less than I do). Is this article taking the stance that I should be focusing on earning money, looking after the household, AND putting in a substantially larger amount of effort into my relationship, while my boyfriend skates by because that’s part of a man’s nature?

    • T-Ray

      I am in a similar position but minus one company. I feel taken advantage of constantly.

  • Nancy

    I agree with a lot of this article. However, a lot of men believe they are not difficult yet they are … thus no sense in being with them and all the frustration. If you lived with your parents as an adult it would be difficult, if you lived with your best friend it would be difficult, if you lived with an exact clone of yourself it would be difficult … relationships are difficult if they are close. So dealing with a man who puts the “she is the difficult one, men are easy”, meaning he has no work to be done, well …. no sense in wasting ones time … move onto another man who realizes he has to help do his part to find the middle ground.

  • ♛ Samantha Jane

    I understand a lot of what this article is saying. But I also feel uneasy about this, because it disregards communication. Why can’t men make the effort to understand women also? This just leads to emotional disconnect, which drives a wedge between a couple. I think we need to talk more about HOW we talk to our men, rather than disregarding our issues as a ‘woman thing’.

    • Don John

      You should expect more that your willing o give. If you only offer a few things don’t expect a million things from him. Sorry.

      We’re just sick of your fucking shit Landry list. Burn it.

      • ♛ Samantha Jane

        Hey, if men have had rights to an education longer than women, shouldn’t you be smart? You can’t spell, your grammar is appalling, and you have the intellectual and emotional range of a bird. Grow a pair of tits and get over your sensitive male privilege.

        • Don John

          The only thing women are good at. Insulting men and giving birth.

  • Alyx Jolivet

    For millenia, men were told they can do anything including being emotionally immature and irresponsible and not have to lose a darn thing because women had no rights. Period.

    Now we live in an era where, just in the last fifty years, women are finally pulling in the money and do not need to rely on a man or put up with his lack of effort.

    This article is poison because all it does is pamper the lazy entitlement of yesteryear in an era where Women are financially independent.

    Maybe its time Men realized that if they don’t put the same amount of effort in a relationship, then they might as well not be in one.

    • Don John

      We’re tired of paying, we’re tired of your miles long laundry list of demands for us and we’re tired of you sitting pretty.

      We’re fucking done.

      • Alyx Jolivet

        And we’re tired of being raped, murdered, threatened and told we will have babies whether we like it or not.

      • T-Ray

        What about the women like myself who pay for absolutely EVERYTHING? He has a job but makes considerably less. He does clean at times but I do most of the laundry. Not only do I pay all the bills, but I also pay for all food and recreation. I feel like the man in my relationship. That feeling is awful.

        • Don John

          Isn’t it an awful feeling? Welcome to the world of men.

          • Alyx Jolivet

            Self pity much? This is a human thing, Don. If two people can’t offer equal respect and pull their equal weight, then that relationship is flawed. you can stop blaming one specific gender. Its silly, sad, tiring and makes you look weak.

        • Alyx Jolivet

          As far as I’m concerned, that is a relationship based on lack of respect. And unless he puts in what he takes, he can fuck off.

  • sandrine

    I’ve been looking for an article like this. Maybe some will say that’s why I understood but actually alot of what she wrote I saw it myself.. My man is an actual man testerone man not the one who beats or aggressive but the one one serious difficult to get a smile from him looks tough but through out the years which is ten after so many ups and downs alot of quarrels, mis understandings , I’ve seen love care tenderness ,felt it in different ways that i wouldn’t expect or better say looking for or wanting. So I’m nagging about not enough attention or more proof or yes i want u to say it u love me im all yours. Coming to realize his been doing that or saying it but again not the way I was expecting. Your article gave me the final touch of things which i did realize the differnce of things between us.
    I know it can be confusing this way of thinking or doing men are the breadwinner protector but we are run things like we say in the Caribbean . We where build strong though life gets at us we are strong in mind body and soul. We keep our family together the kids bills and even our men yes it take time and patient and yes compassion but not for him or then but for us to heal again and be strong. Think about it try to get a stray cat to be a home a cat the u could hold touch cuddle with when u feel like it…. through experience I know it’s not easy. Like she said i either want a dull boy or a man u know a real man… Bless girl and thanks for reading and for your article. …..

  • Georgia McGee

    Thank you so much! This makes perfect sense!

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