How Men Think: Don’t Expect a Man to Put more “Effort” in to your Relationship than You

How Men Think

Whenever I suggest something like this, I risk a whole hoard of women hating me. Enough women hate my message as it is….and yet, it’s when I suggest this that I really feel women digging their nails in to me as if I have betrayed them and I am working against woman.

Quite the contrary. When I say this, I say it from a place of understanding of masculine men. (Click here to take the quiz “How feminine am I actually”) I say it because I intend for more women in the world to have more happiness in their relationships with men.

I do my best to communicate my best intentions in every piece of writing that I do, but I’m not able to clearly communicate everything to every woman reading.

All I want is for women to experience the same freedom from their fears I have learned to experience in my interactions with men. And stop feeling like victims and actually keep a good relationship with a man, rather than break up with a man, later realising that the man did care about her.

How is it REALLY, for Men?

Here’s the thing about men who are born with more masculine hormones; and are therefore, in nature, masculine men.

Relationship is not their specialty. It simply isn’t.

Men care about having a relationship, and want a relationship, but they don’t come with the instinctive understanding about how to communicate and express love the way women might.

(Click here to get the “Goddess Report”)

Women are simply overall, better intuitively at understanding relationships and developing closeness with other humans than men are. Now, there are a lot of cold and callous women out there who don’t have the compassion to have any relationship at all. They couldn’t even hold a relationship with a frog. But that’s their own fear taking over their life, and they are certainly not living in their feminine energy, that’s for sure.

Men want relationships, but they may not know how to go about it. They don’t generally talk about relationships with other men, sometimes they don’t even think to do that. It’s great for the men who do talk about it, but most men just don’t. See these 5 insights on men that I wrote about…

Why Men Just Aren’t as Intuitive when it comes to Relationships…

A single man might think about a relationship and having one, say 1-10% (maximum) that a single woman would.

See, for many women, it’s generally well understood that if we have a good relationship; then we are successful. Other women look at and observe our relationship. We compare relationships, we compare mate quality, we compare how much another woman’s man does for us compared to what our man does for us…

For a MAN – (and this is from a male’s perspective), nobody cares if he has a great relationship apart from his woman. For a man, his success is judged by how much he has achieved (money, status, career, influence, social dominance, etc).

Now think about this:

WHO thinks about relationships more? Men or women? Women.

Who do you think is going to be more successful and in tune to relationship problems? The person who thinks about it more or the person who thinks about it less?

That’s for you to answer.

Here’s the really interesting thing: for women who don’t have a happy relationship in their life just yet, Many of them read books that involve romance. They watch movies that involve romance. They FILL UP their need for relational happiness with romance novels and dramatic movies. Or they talk about their relationship; or about the single life with their friends.

And yet….do you see many single men with romance novels?

Didn’t think so.

Relationship is OUR Specialty

For a feminine woman; we are driven to seek out relationships. It IS our specialty. We read subtle body language, subtle tones in spoken words (feminine energy actually hears primary mood and tone) and we can talk for hours.

But get this – unless he’s been trained or had experience – men won’t even notice subtle body language or subtle changes in a woman’s tone of voice, and even if he does become conscious of it – he can’t compute in his mind that you want him to actually come forward and work out what you mean, (in other words, give you more attention and reassurance that he is there for you).

For example. You’re out at a party one night, and a woman who has always been a bitch to you comes up to you and makes some snide remark that is passive aggressive like ‘oh you look soooo CUTE!’ in a condescending tone. After she leaves, you say to the man you’re with “oh my gosh, did you hear the way she said that?! She’s such a bitch!” and he looks blankly back at you, not understanding what you mean and not seeing what just happened.

As Long as Everyone is Fed…

See, all these little details in communication between people are not a man’s domain. He doesn’t care, as it doesn’t coincide with his life’s mission; which is to win, to get something done and to get to the point.

A lot of men think that as long as he works hard to provide, that this is enough, and the woman will be happy. Obviously, women know that’s not true.

To a man, this is effort. This is HIS form of effort. Not yours.

To a man, if a woman is upset or angry, and he sees that everyone is well fed and seems to have access to enough resources….his brain can’t understand her being upset! SHE must be crazy!

She must be…she’s crying in a situation that I wouldn’t cry in. That’s how men think.

What I am suggesting you try to understand is this:

I’m not saying Men don’t put EFFORT in, I’m saying, men may not put effort in to a relationship the way YOU want him to. That can take a man time to learn.

Women get by on Subtle Relations and Communication… Men Don’t

Now, by the way, sometimes, if you’re lucky, a man might have picked up on this subtle energy from the nasty woman saying ‘oh you look soooo CUTE!’…usually though, he wouldn’t have.   And you are left feeling lonely because he doesn’t understand the devastation you had to just go through with that awful woman.

It’s quite funny really. Communication between women (especially OUTSIDE of the work force, and outside of other masculine environments), mostly occurs in an ‘implication’ type of way…we imply what we mean, we make suggestions or go around in circles beating around the bush (talk about our feelings rather than list a problem directly) until someone else paraphrases what we’re saying…until someone indicates that they are willing and able to understand our words and thoughts.

This doesn’t happen with men. Men are direct. And what I’ve learned is, what a woman thinks is direct is STILL not direct in a man’s mind!

See my article on the one masculine skill all women need in dating…

Women Communicate Indirectly

And it’s a huge frustration for many, many men, dealing with women….wishing and wondering why women just can’t TELL him what it is that she wants…but if you were to ask a feminine woman, we don’t WANT to do that.

We can learn to do that…but we have massive resistance to doing that, because it’s not natural in our physical body; OR because we feel that the directness will get us hurt, or hurt a man’s feelings.

It took me years to realise this…I can now communicate my wants to my man more directly if it is needed (not always, I prefer to be indirect and see if he picks up on it…luckily, after so many years together with my husband and a ridiculously good understanding of women, my man picks up on around 50% of my ‘implied meanings’) ie: “it’s starting to smell in the kitchen… it’s actually starting to smell a bit like trash.’

And he will almost always say: ‘I’m taking the trash out now.’ And we look at each other and laugh, because I still couldn’t find it in me to say ‘take the trash out now David’. My instinctive way of interacting is indirect communication. It’s like I don’t even think and what comes out of my mouth is an indirect communication…

I’m just (very subconsciously) hoping the person I’m talking to cares enough to figure out what I mean.

Why shouldn’t you Expect a Man to put More “Effort” in to your relationship than You?

I believe that the very desire in us women to have men put more effort in to a relationship is a lie. That’s what we SAY we want, but what we really MEAN, is that we just want to know we have a man’s commitment. We want him to tell us we have his commitment, repeatedly, for the rest of our life.

Yet, men are often far too clueless about women’s need for reassurance and security to ever pick up on our NEED for that, that we get more and more frustrated, and the more frustrated we get, the more we try to ‘talk’ about things with a man….which leads us to think that our talking is ‘working’ on the relationship..but it’s not.

Talking to another FEMALE is ‘working’ on your relationship or friendship with HER…it’s not classified as working on a relationship with a man.

Sure, sometimes, talking to a man, in some contexts, will work to get a certain result.

But…it’s the way we communicate that makes most of OUR OWN efforts to make a relationship better with men a waste of energy.

If the other person cannot receive your communication in a way that they need to hear it..you’ve already failed at communicating. And it’s not fair to assume that men should just get us. That they should just get what we are saying.

(Again, men usually use words ONLY to hold conversations that have an actual POINT.)

We think he should talk to us more or show us more love…but what you have to understand is, all this talking and demanding that he put “more effort” in to the relationship doesn’t work in your favour, with men.

If more commitment and more love is really what you want, then you need to understand these three things:

1) Relationships are YOUR domain, not his. If he’s masculine. He NEEDS you, to be patient and to reward EVERYTHING great that he ever does, in order for him to start and do more of the right thing. He needs you to be there for him in that way.

Most men are totally happy alone. So they don’t often ‘get’ what is a good thing to do with a woman and what is a bad thing to do…

Have you ever noticed that very masculine men rarely feel the need to ‘call up’ their male friends to talk? Have you ever noticed that men get by without really contacting a lot of their circle of friends?

Masculine energy is at home alone…so they can go years without contacting family members or friends and still be ok.

My father was like this. My husband is no different, either. Masculine energy is at home being by itself. It’s ok living on an island for days, weeks, and months alone. It’s ok to meditate in a cave for days on end and forget about contacting you (really).

And here’s the shocking part: A LOT of men won’t even understand that you needed him to contact you when he was away or working.

2) ‘Work’ and ‘Effort’ is not what you need to put in. Understanding is, compassion is. And, almost always far more compassion than you think.

Most women’s idea of work is to talk and discuss and to dramatize things, hoping that her man will give her the response she wants (usually, more of his presence, more of his love, and reassurance that he loves her and won’t leave her).

Effort can mean anything. Work can mean anything. You could could put lots of ‘effort’ in to scratching your butt for an hour every day, but who would that benefit and what positive consequences would that have?

And don’t talk to me about how my advice is killing women because some men are just a**holes. This is taking what I am saying out of context. If he’s truly an a**hole and you don’t want to be with him, then you can choose not to be with him. I’m saying: having compassion for males is INDEPENDENT of your selection of a certain male, and whether you choose to be with a sleazebag or not.

The most basic spiriutal advice that anyone (and any book) can give is to have compassion, even for the people who have hurt you. It doesn’t mean I’m telling you to be patient with a total assbag. It just means; try developing some compassion even AFTER you’ve broken up with him.

It’s just a little try, that’s all I’m asking of you. After all, a little try is actually more than most women will do when it comes to men. Because it’s too scary to open to the possibility of compassion for *gasp* a MAN.

It’s funny how people make the mistake of thinking compassion is for the other person. It’s not; compassion is for YOU.

So:

Trade ‘talking and discussing’ as your idea of ‘putting a lot of effort in’ for simple reinforcement of men’s good actions with your happiness!

3) If you want a masculine man, then expect relationship problems. Expect fights and expect extreme frustration. The more masculine a man is, the more different you are, so the more clashes you will have. (But don’t NOT expect bliss and the happiest time of your life). 

If you want things to be easy, then don’t have a relationship.

If you want things to be easy, then a wussy man might be what you want. If not a wussy man, then maybe a more feminine man. And even then, you’ll find it hard if you are feminine inside….because every cell in your body is actually hoping and willing for this man to be more masculine, have more direction, and be more present with you.

Men need YOUR help…

But if a very masculine man is what you want…you have to understand and respect that he needs YOUR help to be in the relationship with you. This idea of how to ‘help’ is something I go in to  in my Understanding Men Program.

In this program (my personal favourite of all our programs), I show you many ways to be closer to a man…from how to open him up to how to still be a woman and have your connection needs met without a man pulling away from you.

The takeaway from this article is this:

Men need your help to be in a loving relationship with you. This ‘help’ comes in many forms. The BEST place to start is by positively reinforcing all the GREAT things he does in a relationship with you, yes, even if it is small.

Thanks for reading! If you have any opinions or comments…leave them below! And if you liked the article, leave a comment just saying hi! I love hearing from you!

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How Men Think: Don't Expect a Man to Put more "Effort" in to your Relationship than You
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Men need your help to understand what it takes to have a long lasting relationship. Clueless on how to help your man? Read this post and learn from the expert.
  • Bre

    I give my guy plenty of assurance and tell him that I’m proud of his accomplishments, yet when I have my insecure moments, he simply thinks I’m crazy. Most of the time I just tell myself it’s useless in being upset as it will never make him think about my needs and thoughts seriously. This article really helped me support my belief that I might as well accept it and try to rationalize that he’ll be the way he is and that’s that.

  • Sahvanna

    Me and my fiancé just had this argument like an hour ago and he WORD FOR WORD told me that if I reassured him that he was doing good and complimented him on the good things, he would start being sweet. But that me wanting to “talk about our problems” just seemed like I was putting him down and he felt like I never noticed any of the good he did. It honestly made me feel terrible. And yes, I do want him to be more romantic, but this article put it in a way that I could better understand (as it was coming from a woman lol). If you want a man to feed your needs, rather than “talking about it”, you need to begin with feeding his needs. Men like to be reassured they’re doing good. They thrive off of positive energy rather than negative, such as being told what they’re doing right vs. What they’re doing wrong. Feed his needs and in return he’ll feed yours. Make him feel appreciated rather than making him feel like he’s doing everything wrong. It’ll pay off for you both in the end. Thank you Renee for simplifying this for me. It was just what I was looking for.

  • nat1944

    I’ve been married 47 years and have gotten nothing out of the marriage. Its been all about him! He decided he hated any and all sex with me or any one else. All these years he’s lived in the basement or in his garage. He’s worked every midnight shift, all weekends, holidays and gave up all his vacation time, so he won’t be home with me. He hasn’t any friends always couped up doing his what ever he does. I gave up decades ago and just made like I wasn’t married, meaning doing my thing I never dated any one else and have no intention on starting. I’m to old now any way and have no desire to associate with any man. They are all ugly and mean!!!!

    • Viki Samoja

      Good for you to judge all men by one asshat you choose yourself, please don’t spread that poison here.

  • Alita Roe-Kreischer

    When i put the effort in… Compliments, saying “I miss you “.. I want to see you.. I get rewarded with awww, that’s so sweet etc. It isn’t mirrored. And I start feeling like an idiot because I feel like I’m chasing a man that isn’t as invested as I am. Even though he has put effort in in the past. I don’t want to push him away or appear needy but my heart is reaping the benefits of what he put in. It’s been 6 months and I have no clue as to what to do. It was rocky at the beginning because I didn’t trust that he really wanted me. I held back and held my breath. We’re developing a friendship of sorts but how do I know that it’s not just about sex with him? All I can see is that he hasn’t left the dating site we met on. And that says I need to keep looking. Am I right?. He recently told me he liked me. It felt like a million bucks. But is that a declaration of sorts??

  • xrissy

    Wow!!!!!! I agree with everything you said. I am impressed!!! These Other women, who are offended, and outraged make me laugh. It is rare that I ever agree with a women when it comes to this topic…for some reason women never learn from their mistakes.. They need to evolve and work for the greater good in the relationship. Let a man be a man.

  • Shean

    You are a wise woman, Renee. I like you; thank you very much for your wisdom. I’ve noticed that those who have a problem with your post appear to have problems with men being men; those women seem to want another woman for a husband instead of a man. I’ve been married for 22-years and have been married once only; we have 3-sons. I told my bride before we got married that I don’t play games, especially the one where I have to divine what she wants from me or what she wants me to do. I told her that she has to use direct communication to tell me what she’s thinking and what she wants. I also said that when I began to know her that I would begin to pick-up on the non-verbals, but it would take time for us being together. Now that we’ve been growing together for 22-years we pick up on non-verbals and signals as if we have a mind-meld going. We have a long way to grow to be sure, but it’s been fun and very interesting with never a dull moment. … By-the-by, she has never used sex as a weapon against me. … I think that direct communication is what being an adult is all about. I know that women expect equal treatment in the work place and that they are expected to exercise direct communication there. However, when the work clothes come off, many women stop direct communication at the front door and make their men start guessing what is expected of them. Many modern women act more like spoiled brats when their men can’t determine what a sigh here or a sigh there means. I think the indirect communication that many women prefer seems to me to be more in line with passive-aggressive behavior than anything else. What happened to the tough women of yesteryear? Modern women need to grow up and toughen up. More and more I see manly men choosing to go their own way and leaving marriage to girly men; after reading some of the responses to this post I can’t say that I blame them for choosing a life of singleness. Thanks again for your post, Renee, your work is noble and appreciated more than you realize. I find it refreshing! Keep on keeping on!

  • Merida

    So basically it’s my own fault if he fuckes up the relationship because I shouldnt expect anything of him. No conversations, no protection, no communication, no dates, no signs of affection, Nothing. Great, just needed to know that.

    • Viki Samoja

      Go ahead, lash out in anger, create strawmen to defend your ego, it won’t help you but at least you are still cool right, right?

    • sonia

      You obviously didn’t read the article correctly otherwise you would’ve gotten what she’s trying to say

  • Melissa

    I think this is awful.
    Relationships are NOT women’s specialties, not all of us live in so warped fantasy world.
    In fact men are the ones who live in a fantasy world, thinking all they have to do is ‘show up’.
    This article just tells them the same.
    Thanks for encouraging men to be worthless and lazy.

  • jones

    Girlfriend just broke up with me after 3 years. This was the problem. She had high expectations of “effort” and “communication”. Not that I disagreed, but I did my best. I realized that if i didn’t meet these expectations, she felt like I wasn’t committed. In fact, I always was and always reassured her of that. I explained that I didn’t have any good reason for not being like that ( i’m just a man! we’re wired differently!) In the end, it didn’t matter and she ended things. I tried to portray what you said here and I just wish she had seen something like this. I came to this realization once we took a break, but it was ‘too late’, she gave me enough chances. :(

  • RN

    So you’re saying that I shouldn’t expect my husband to do anything nice for me. He can treat me like crap as long as we’re all fed? Even though I work as many hours as him and make enough money to feed myself and the kids without him? I call BS

  • Jen

    I feel so sorry for men. They can’t do anything right. Renee, your article is so true of every single man I’ve ever known. But reading the comments makes me sad. If a man comments on his perspective, he gets attacked by whining women who have been trained their whole lives to think that they are better and just as strong/capable as men. Women, grow up and learn to appreciate a man for who he is. If you don’t like what he says, maybe the best thing (which will elevate a man’s opinion of you rather than knock it down) is to keep quiet. Think and consider what he said rather than react negatively. Be a lady. You will be much happier.

    • http://www.thefemininewoman.com/ Renee Wade

      Yes Jen, thanks for your comment. Appreciating a man for who he is – it’s a courageous and loving choice to make. Looks like you’ve made that choice. xo

  • stef

    I wish life was so simple

    • http://www.thefemininewoman.com/ Renee Wade

      Well, often, we make it complicated because it is more entertaining that way.

  • Mimi

    Look, you are basically saying that every man is ‘x’ and women is ‘y” for example men are from Mars women from Venus. Or women are emotional and men are practical. In theory, yes perhaps there are certain elements where men don’t understand how to ‘talk’ and yes in some cases women are all about trying to talk out problems in relationships, HOWEVER, every person on this earth is individual, and cannot be typecast or generalized into male and female categories. I’d like to know your source of information because I do not believe all women are emotional species who think about relationships 24/7 and men are these things that don’t want to open up about ‘feelings’ etc. it’s not like that at all, and I think as a person who works in human behavior your article is misleading because it stereotypes each individual man and woman into some sort of box where they do not stray from. You are speaking subjectively, about how YOU feel or how some of your friends feel but that does not cover the whole entire world, everything has to do with environment, how someone is brought up and their relationship with others. I have been in a relationship where mind games were a plenty from my partner. And if I were to believe every article I read, it would state women were the ones who played mind games even though men are as emotionally manipulative. Case and point, don’t believe everything you read online. Views like this are entirely of the writer and not every man.

  • Sara

    This was just what I needed to hear. Thank you!

  • lyndy

    But…. you’re a guy…so…how come you were able to figure all this out?
    Hmmmm…. if you can, all men can.

    • Viki Samoja

      Renee is a woman.

  • angi

    great timing!
    I have however, bought your understanding men..maybe I need to see/read it again..
    what if my man has actually says ‘I don’t initiate..I never have – if you are keen you will contact me if you are not you won’t” part of me thinks he is arrogant – part of me hears he is shy..when I do call and invite him he is really keen and grateful..I feel he might be asperges as he seems unemotional or desensitised..he says he might be!
    he makes me feel so confused about what he should be giving me..my ‘little girl’ wants reassurance but I see it is out of his comfort zone..as you said we keep attracting the same type of guys..i do want a real man..my sister is quite masculine and has attracted quite a feminine man and I keep comparing to this..
    it messes with my head…i see him soooo loving with his kids and would love some of that nurturance..
    i will practice compassion..and love and gratitude..butbut..i also want peace and reassurance .
    much love