How Men Think: Don’t Expect a Man to Put more “Effort” in to your Relationship than You

How Men Think

Whenever I suggest something like this, I risk a whole hoard of women hating me. Enough women hate my message as it is….and yet, it’s when I suggest this that I really feel women digging their nails in to me as if I have betrayed them and I am working against woman.

Quite the contrary. When I say this, I say it from a place of understanding of masculine men. I say it because I intend for more women in the world to have more happiness in their relationships with men.

I do my best to communicate my best intentions in every piece of writing that I do, but I’m not able to clearly communicate everything to every woman reading. Not to mention, MIS-understanding is the RULE in human communication. It doesn’t matter how long we talk and discuss, work things through, at least half (and I’m being generous) of our communication still goes misunderstood.

Put it down to the phenomenon of ‘projected empathy’ – something I might discuss in a later piece of work.

All I want is for women to experience the same freedom from their fears I have learned to experience in my interactions with men. And stop feeling like victims and actually keep a good relationship with a man, rather than break up with a man, later realising that they had misunderstood everything with their ex…that he actually meant well, that he actually cared more about her than she thought…and that the same problem occured with her next boyfriend and the next boyfriend…and the common thing about it all is that she didn’t understand how men think.

How is it REALLY, for Men?

Here’s the thing about men who are born with more masculine hormones; and are therefore, in nature, masculine men.

Relationship is not their specialty. It simply isn’t.

Men care about having a relationship, and want a relationship, but they don’t come with the instinctive understanding about how to communicate and express love the way women might.

Women are simply overall, better intuitively at understanding relationships and developing closeness with other humans than men are. Now, there are a lot of cold and callous women out there who don’t have the compassion to have any relationship at all. They couldn’t even hold a relationship with a frog. But that’s their own fear taking over their life, and they are certainly not living in their feminine energy, that’s for sure.

Men want relationships, but they may not know how to go about it. They don’t generally talk about relationships with other men, sometimes they don’t even think to do that. It’s great for the men who do talk about it, but most men just don’t. See these 5 insights on men that I wrote about…

Why Men Just Aren’t as Intuitive when it comes to Relationships…

A single man might think about a relationship and having one, say 1-10% (maximum) that a single woman would.

See, for many women, it’s generally well understood that if we have a good relationship; then we are successful. Other women look at and observe our relationship. We compare relationships, we compare mate quality, we compare how much another woman’s man does for us compared to what our man does for us…

For a MAN – (and this is from a male’s perspective), nobody cares if he has a great relationship apart from his woman. For a man, his success is judged by how much he has achieved (money, status, career, influence, social dominance, etc).

Now think about this:

WHO thinks about relationships more? Men or women? Women.

Who do you think is going to be more successful and in tune to relationship problems? The person who thinks about it more or the person who thinks about it less?

That’s for you to answer.

Here’s the really interesting thing: for women who don’t have a happy relationship in their life just yet, Many of them read books that involve romance. They watch movies that involve romance. They FILL UP their need for relational happiness with romance novels and dramatic movies. Or they talk about their relationship; or about the single life with their friends.

And yet….do you see many single men with romance novels?

Didn’t think so.

Relationship is OUR Specialty

For a feminine woman; we are driven to seek out relationships. It IS our specialty. We read subtle body language, subtle tones in spoken words (feminine energy actually hears primary mood and tone) and we can talk for hours.

But get this – unless he’s been trained or had experience – men won’t even notice subtle body language or subtle changes in a woman’s tone of voice, and even if he does become conscious of it – he can’t compute in his mind that you want him to actually come forward and work out what you mean, (in other words, give you more attention and reassurance that he is there for you).

For example. You’re out at a party one night, and a woman who has always been a bitch to you comes up to you and makes some snide remark that is passive aggressive like ‘oh you look soooo CUTE!’ in a condescending tone. After she leaves, you say to the man you’re with “oh my gosh, did you hear the way she said that?! She’s such a bitch!” and he looks blankly back at you, not understanding what you mean and not seeing what just happened.

As Long as Everyone is Fed…

See, all these little details in communication between people are not a man’s domain. He doesn’t care, as it doesn’t coincide with his life’s mission; which is to win, to get something done and to get to the point.

A lot of men think that as long as he works hard to provide, that this is enough, and the woman will be happy. Obviously, women know that’s not true.

To a man, this is effort. This is HIS form of effort. Not yours.

To a man, if a woman is upset or angry, and he sees that everyone is well fed and seems to have access to enough resources….his brain can’t understand her being upset! SHE must be crazy!

She must be…she’s crying in a situation that I wouldn’t cry in. That’s how men think.

What I am suggesting you try to understand is this:

I’m not saying Men don’t put EFFORT in, I’m saying, men may not put effort in to a relationship the way YOU want him to. That can take a man time to learn.

Women get by on Subtle Relations and Communication….Men Don’t

Now, by the way, sometimes, if you’re lucky, a man might have picked up on this subtle energy from the nasty woman saying ‘oh you look soooo CUTE!’…usually though, he wouldn’t have.   And you are left feeling lonely because he doesn’t understand the devastation you had to just go through with that awful woman.

It’s quite funny really. Communication between women (especially OUTSIDE of the work force, and outside of other masculine environments), mostly occurs in an ‘implication’ type of way…we imply what we mean, we make suggestions or go around in circles beating around the bush (talk about our feelings rather than list a problem directly) until someone else paraphrases what we’re saying…until someone indicates that they are willing and able to understand our words and thoughts.

This doesn’t happen with men. Men are direct. And what I’ve learned is, what a woman thinks is direct is STILL not direct in a man’s mind!

See my article on the one masculine skill all women need in dating…

Women Communicate Indirectly

And it’s a huge frustration for many, many men, dealing with women….wishing and wondering why women just can’t TELL him what it is that she wants…but if you were to ask a feminine woman, we don’t WANT to do that.

We can learn to do that…but we have massive resistance to doing that, because it’s not natural in our physical body; OR because we feel that the directness will get us hurt, or hurt a man’s feelings.

It took me years to realise this…I can now communicate my wants to my man more directly if it is needed (not always, I prefer to be indirect and see if he picks up on it…luckily, after so many years together with my husband and a ridiculously good understanding of women, my man picks up on around 50% of my ‘implied meanings’) ie: “it’s starting to smell in the kitchen…it’s actually starting to smell a bit like trash.’

And he will almost always say: ‘I’m taking the trash out now.’ And we look at each other and laugh, because I still couldn’t find it in me to say ‘take the trash out now David’. My instinctive way of interacting is indirect communication. It’s like I don’t even think and what comes out of my mouth is an indirect communication…

I’m just (very subconsciously) hoping the person I’m talking to cares enough to figure out what I mean.

Why shouldn’t you Expect a Man to put More “Effort” in to your relationship than You?

I believe that the very desire in us women to have men put more effort in to a relationship is a lie. That’s what we SAY we want, but what we really MEAN, is that we just want to know we have a man’s commitment. We want him to tell us we have his commitment, repeatedly, for the rest of our life.

Yet, men are often far too clueless about women’s need for reassurance and security to ever pick up on our NEED for that, that we get more and more frustrated, and the more frustrated we get, the more we try to ‘talk’ about things with a man….which leads us to think that our talking is ‘working’ on the relationship..but it’s not.

Talking to another FEMALE is ‘working’ on your relationship or friendship with HER…it’s not classified as working on a relationship with a man.

Sure, sometimes, talking to a man, in some contexts, will work to get a certain result.

But…it’s the way we communicate that makes most of OUR OWN efforts to make a relationship better with men a waste of energy.

If the other person cannot receive your communication in a way that they need to hear’ve already failed at communicating. And it’s not fair to assume that men should just get us. That they should just get what we are saying.

(Again, men usually use words ONLY to hold conversations that have an actual POINT.)

We think he should talk to us more or show us more love…but what you have to understand is, all this talking and demanding that he put “more effort” in to the relationship doesn’t work in your favour, with men.

If more commitment and more love is really what you want, then you need to understand these three things:

1) Relationships are YOUR domain, not his. If he’s masculine. He NEEDS you, to be patient and to reward EVERYTHING great that he ever does, in order for him to start and do more of the right thing. He needs you to be there for him in that way.

Most men are totally happy alone. So they don’t often ‘get’ what is a good thing to do with a woman and what is a bad thing to do…

Have you ever noticed that very masculine men rarely feel the need to ‘call up’ their male friends to talk? Have you ever noticed that men get by without really contacting a lot of their circle of friends?

Masculine energy is at home alone…so they can go years without contacting family members or friends and still be ok.

My father was like this. My husband is no different, either. Masculine energy is at home being by itself. It’s ok living on an island for days, weeks, and months alone. It’s ok to meditate in a cave for days on end and forget about contacting you (really).

And here’s the shocking part: A LOT of men won’t even understand that you needed him to contact you when he was away or working.

2) ‘Work’ and ‘Effort’ is not what you need to put in. Understanding is, compassion is. And, almost always far more compassion than you think.

Most women’s idea of work is to talk and discuss and to dramatize things, hoping that her man will give her the response she wants (usually, more of his presence, more of his love, and reassurance that he loves her and won’t leave her).

Effort can mean anything. Work can mean anything. You could could put lots of ‘effort’ in to scratching your butt for an hour every day, but who would that benefit and what positive consequences would that have?

And don’t talk to me about how my advice is killing women because some men are just a**holes. This is taking what I am saying out of context. If he’s truly an a**hole and you don’t want to be with him, then you can choose not to be with him. I’m saying: having compassion for males is INDEPENDENT of your selection of a certain male, and whether you choose to be with a sleazebag or not.

The most basic spiriutal advice that anyone (and any book) can give is to have compassion, even for the people who have hurt you. It doesn’t mean I’m telling you to be patient with a total assbag. It just means; try developing some compassion even AFTER you’ve broken up with him.

It’s just a little try, that’s all I’m asking of you. After all, a little try is actually more than most women will do when it comes to men. Because it’s too scary to open to the possibility of compassion for *gasp* a MAN.

It’s funny how people make the mistake of thinking compassion is for the other person. It’s not; compassion is for YOU.


Trade ‘talking and discussing’ as your idea of ‘putting a lot of effort in’ for simple reinforcement of men’s good actions with your happiness!

3) If you want a masculine man, then expect relationship problems. Expect fights and expect extreme frustration. The more masculine a man is, the more different you are, so the more clashes you will have. (But don’t NOT expect bliss and the happiest time of your life). 

If you want things to be easy, then don’t have a relationship.

If you want things to be easy, then a wussy man might be what you want. If not a wussy man, then maybe a more feminine man. And even then, you’ll find it hard if you are feminine inside….because every cell in your body is actually hoping and willing for this man to be more masculine, have more direction, and be more present with you.

Men need YOUR help…

But if a very masculine man is what you want…you have to understand and respect that he needs YOUR help to be in the relationship with you. This idea of how to ‘help’ is something I go in to  in my Understanding Men Program here:

In this program (my personal favourite of all our programs), I show you many ways to be closer to a man…from how to open him up to how to still be a woman and have your connection needs met without a man pulling away from you.

The takeaway from this article is this:

Men need your help to be in a loving relationship with you. This ‘help’ comes in many forms. The BEST place to start is by positively reinforcing all the GREAT things he does in a relationship with you, yes, even if it is small.

Thanks for reading! If you have any opinions or comments…leave them below! And if you liked the article, leave a comment just saying hi! I love hearing from you!

Renee the feminine woman


  • Jen

    Reply Reply February 28, 2014

    Hi Renee.

    Thank you for this enlightening article. I actually happened in this because of my search to understand my boyfriend. I love him dearly but he often frustrates me a lot because I often felt that he does not put an effort to communicate with me. He is so masculine and sometimes I feel that he is so dense at the same time. I know I’m using OFTEN a lot but that is how he actually makes me feel. Often frustrates me because I feel that all the effort to make this relationship work is coming from me and I often question myself if he is worth all of this or if he really loves me, etc., etc. My main problem really is communication. We live worlds apart like I’m in A and he is living in Z and it is hard to make a relationship work. Really, really hard. There’s the doubt of course, the insecurities, the not seeing each other physically although to be fair to him he really makes it a point that we skype as often as we can even if its only for a few mins. It’s when he can’t make it online and I would not hear from him all day that bothers me. I am often the one to initiate the contact so I have this thought that what if I stop making effort will it end just like that? I feel that he loves me (well, some may say I’m delusional and sometimes I even think like that) since we live worlds apart but we have been going on like this for more than a year now and he is flying the world halfway again this April just to see me. A man who will travel more than 24 hours sitting on a plane it’s either he is crazy or he really loves me too. I choose to believe the latter. Sorry, I have been going on and on. Anyway, I just want to thank you really. You have uplifted my spirit and given me hope. :)

  • plenty of fish

    Reply Reply November 20, 2013

    Nice post. I was checking continuously this blog
    and I am impressed! Extremely useful info particularly the last part :) I care for such information a lot.
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    • Jon

      Reply Reply January 25, 2014

      I’m a guy and I honestly for 10 months have been the one putting all effort into the relationship. My girlfriend gets mad at me, gives an attitude, or freaks out when I haven’t even done anything or she’ll do something worse and laugh at me when I confront her about it but when I do something, it’s the end of the world. She’s tried to break up with me over 9 times but I’ve always fought to stay with her. Idk why, maybe because I just see the good in her but my family is telling me not to deal with it anymore and I honestly am fed up with it. Like I’m so good to her and you ask anyone, even her when she’s not mad, how good I am and they’ll say nothing but good. I hold all my anger and feelings in just to keep her from fighting and stuff. And when she gets just a little mad she just stops caring about me and anything else. I recently explained to her calmly that I can’t accept the treatment she’s giving because I don’t deserve it at all. She somewhat got the message but two days later and tonight it’s back to the same crap so I’m not sure what to do. I love her with all my heart and pour my heart and soul out to her but I just don’t deserve what’s going on. Only so much I can take you know. Someone help, please. I’d say more but I think I’ve said enough

    • Mel

      Reply Reply March 1, 2014

      Keep on calling. Its normal.
      If he likes you calling him.
      Go for it.
      One day just mention it would be great if he calls you.
      Otherwise just keep on calling.

  • tower

    Reply Reply November 10, 2013

    Bravo, Renee!

    The best article I ever read. That’s what I always been convincing my female friends to, but they wouldn’t listen, perceiving me chasing guys(((.

  • Kate

    Reply Reply October 22, 2013

    Renee, you are truly a woman of wisdom! Your articles aren’t like those so called guru’s articles…yours have real content! Thanks for all the great info!

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply October 22, 2013

      Hey Kate, awww! Thank You for reading, it makes me happy to know my work is adding value to your life. XxX

  • Renee's Student

    Reply Reply October 3, 2013


    This is one of the best and funniest articles of yours I have read so far! It is so funny because it is so spot on. I literally laughed tears reading some of the paragraphs. Probably because I could relate to is so much. I know you always talk about how men and women are simply different but this article, for me, made it so clear so absolute as to how truly different we are. Love it! It actually is exciting that we are so different because in the end it is the fuel for Attraction. We just need to learn to embrace it.

  • Banderman

    Reply Reply September 15, 2013

    Rule Number One: American women do not understand American men because they generally don’t put forth the effort to do so; but expect, no demand, men understand and support women and work on the notions 24/7/365. Men are tired, weary, and over the fact that American women have been pontificating about ‘gender equality’ for the last 200 years, and continue to pull the gender card when they don’t get their way, break the law, need a job, or pay for a date. Where is it written that it is ‘manly, or gentlemanly’ for men to always pay for a date; but in the very same sentence hear from women endlessly that ‘we are women, hear us roar, and we can do anything a man can do’? Do it. We dare you.

  • Kris

    Reply Reply September 3, 2013

    First off, I’m a guy. I mostly agree with this read except for a few wording nitpicks that aren’t worth mentioning. Good job! I want to throw in some “masculine” perspective.

    Feminine insecurity is seen as weakness to men. Sorry ladies, if you are insecure with yourself, men know that it won’t be long until you reflect your insecurities on them. Men act interested in your problems and show compassion because they want you to stop complaining and/or they want sex. It is a cold truth but don’t lie to yourself, their re-assurance is an illusion and only true happiness and satisfaction comes from within.

    If you are a woman, you are treated special from the moment you are born and you probably don’t even realize it. Men buy you things, laugh at your unfunny jokes, act interested when they don’t care, only because either guys want sex, to show you off to their guy friends, or because men want positive reinforcement from you in some way.

    Because women are treated so special, women tend to expect things instead of appreciate them, and come off spoiled, childish and constantly unsatisfied to a man, and honestly men are jealous of how women are treated. Since so many woman are constantly unsatisfied, a woman who truly appreciates a guy is EXTREMELY valuable. If you thank them and appreciate them for everything they do constantly, your relationship will stay very strong. This isn’t something that happens overnight, it takes years to gain a man’s trust, as they have probably been unappreciated by most women they have been with in the past. They might say things like “no problem” or “it’s cool” or “anything for you,” but in their head they are thinking, “holy crap I hit the jackpot!”

    Long story short. If you want a guy to always care or at least pretend to care about your feelings and problems, thank them every single day for listening. We are trying the best we can.

    • gloria

      Reply Reply December 13, 2013

      you obviously don’t care about or appreciate women much or ,but please don’t talk like all men are like you! and it is not fault every woman on this earth for your earlier dissapointment in women/relationships.

      and no, women do not want to someone PRETEND to listen to them. and if woman sense man don’t REALLY listen to her and wants just sex, be sure she’ll dump him, if she is real woman and by real I men she have good self esteem and knows her worth!
      and why would she stay with someone like that, when actually there ARE men who are possible to love her and care for her.

      • blogster

        Reply Reply December 29, 2013

        And out comes the shaming language….because he makes a point that is critical of women, he doesn’t like women. Typical female arguing tactic – do you wonder why men cease communicating with women when they can’t even take feedback OBJECTIVELY or talk rationally?

        The guy presents a very valid point. Yes it is harsh, but from men’s experience today, very true. Men today are in a no-win bind – we are constantly told women are equal etc etc. On the other hand, it is deemed essential to constantly prop up and reassure a woman she is secure in the relationship and generally. We are expected to be strong and reassuring. Men however don’t get this luxury. From many men’s experience, there is the realisation that women find this weak, unattractive and they eventually resent and despise you.

        Men realise they need to be MORE than the woman in the relationship. Yet as said, we constantly get told about equality, ‘yougogrrlll!’ etc. So you either accept the man’s lead and internalise that he is more than you in the relationship (and allow him to reassure you when needed), or you actually act equal and stop constantly seeking assurance for insecurity. Congratulations feminism, for creating this Chinese finger trap.

        • Gloria

          Reply Reply January 8, 2014

          what you mean by that, that he is “MORE THAN YOU” ?
          first explain this please!
          in which way, like he is more worthy or what??

  • Donaldo P

    Reply Reply July 30, 2013

    I love this WEBSITE. It is the best thing since apple pie alamode!…Don

  • Don P

    Reply Reply July 30, 2013

    I am a widowed man for almost 3 years (married 44 years to the same woman) and I am now seeing a woman who was never married. I ‘love’ her but she has a problem of showing it back the way I would like to see. She will NOT say ‘I Love You’ over the phone if any of her women friends are with her. I, on the other hand, say it all the time and I care less who hears me!!! This frustrates the heck out of me! I have talked about marriage to her and she refuses to engage in the conversation. One time, she went ballistic on me when I mentioned about marrying her in front of her sister….I want commitment and she apparently does not in a serious way. I get the feeling that she puts me in her group of woman friends and then she allocates ‘X’ time for me, like she does for her women friends. It could be this way because she is Irish and her culture expresses love in a different way. I either have to accept her for who she is or just walk away. I have tried my best!

  • Anna C

    Reply Reply July 9, 2013

    I am wondering this….. Why do guys need so much “guy time” and time with their friends? It seems like my guy is always going out with the guys alone without me and when I make the observation that he never go out he looks at me funny. I wonder if it’s because most of his guy friends hate me. He invited some of them out with me last weekend, and one of the guys commented that it’s the first time he’s ever seen my bf out WITH me… I felt his sentiment. And I felt sad. I love to go out, and I love to go out with him. I’m going to ask him soon why he doesn’t invite me when he goes out with his guy friends. I mean not all the time, but at least some.
    I wish he’d go out with me more.

    Guys: Why do you need so much guy time?

    • Cody

      Reply Reply October 17, 2013

      A woman changes an entire room when she walks in. A room full of guys + one lady is completely different than the room without her.

      Iron sharpens iron. Men need men to call them on their bullshit and to challenge each other to get better. It’s a completely different need than the need to be with a woman.

      I’m the same as your fella. I’m fine to spend my time with the guys and only spend time with my lady separately.

      Double dates are all well and good, but in moderation. I find no value in joining a group of men and women. Generally I have no interest in hanging out with women other than my wife. **** or get off the pot. Women are for dating.

      • gloria

        Reply Reply December 13, 2013

        so you think women are boring? and because of that, good just for fucking???

        • CaliGirl

          Reply Reply January 22, 2014

          Wow. You’re like a rabid ferret. Calm the eff down. I’m embarrassed to share the same gender with such a bitter hag. Go die alone somewhere. That will be your fate if you don’t release your anger. No wonder men are so confused.

          • Susie

            Reply Reply March 8, 2014

            I agree with Gloria. Most men that I’ve met in my life are self centered scumbags.

  • Adele

    Reply Reply June 5, 2013

    So I’ve read this blog and done the courses, “understanding men”, and read other books as well, including Change Your Man by kenya k. Stevens…all this to improve my relationship. It’s been rough because of how hard it is for me to trust people. Seeing my man for one year and it’s still casual. He always answers my calls, he sticks around through my good and bad moods, and he seems to respond to MY effort. The more open I am with him, the more open he is to me. But this feels like I am LEADING. I thought the man was supposed to lead? He is masculine so why doesn’t he lead the relationship? Maybe he is not really masculine? I hate asking to see him, to hang out. I thought that was the mans job. He forces me to put myself out there. I guess I have a hard time trusting and believing that this is someone I could be with. Married women tell me I should be with a man who loves me more than I love him. I picked a challenging situation, where I’m forced to reveal more of myself than I want.

    • Anna C

      Reply Reply June 5, 2013

      Hey there, Adele -
      I read your post and felt compelled to write. I’ve also done the Understanding Men course which I believe is the best course/book/resource out there … but it took me months to process that information, and the information Renee advises when she speaks of being “open”. I think both men and women lead the relationship, but in different ways. I’m not entirely sure of the way a man leads (maybe by pushing the relationship further or asking for marriage etc), but the way a woman leads is by influencing her man. This is what Renee means when she says to inspire your man to … do whatever it is you want to do. You never force him. If you want him to ask you out more, you need to inspire him to do that, in a way he understands (which is where this Understanding Men course is extremely valuable). Because she writes that if a man is not doing something you want, it’s probably because you haven’t communicated this need to him in a way he understands.
      I think it’s best summed up from this quote from the movie “The Other Boleyn Girl”:
      “Now go to France. The queen of France is sophisticated. Be useful to her, amuse her. She’ll admire your spirit. Learn from her. Observe the ladies of the court. See how they achieve what they want from their men, not by stamping their little feet but by allowing the men to believe that they, indeed, are in charge. That is the art of being a woman.”
      If you hate to ask to see him, then don’t. Give him some space. It’s quite possible that he hasn’t asked you because you haven’t given him the chance. I’d suggest you do your own thing for a while, but be OPEN to him when he comes to ask you to see him. And he will.
      Maybe your relationship still seems casual to you because he hasn’t stepped it up even after a year. But he still seems pretty committed. I’d just suggest you give him some space to come to you, and find something to do that you enjoy that will take some of the worry time away from him and onto improving yourself… because what if you guys got married today, and he is all up in your space 24/7. Is there something you wished you could have done first, like volunteer in Thailand or something like that?
      As for that comment about being with a man who loves you more than you love him… I used to believe that too, when I was more cynical. But before I try to convince you otherwise, I think Renee does it better here:

      • Matthew

        Reply Reply October 24, 2013

        Completely a great response as far as geniune need for connection and caring about how a man (or people in general) feel and deserve to be treated.

        My mother was a therapist and I have been a gender-studies junky my entire life, and am thus, a lover of women. Y’all make my world go round, and your gender is so beautiful, fun, and inspiring :)

        However, there is one concept that women (yes I am being general) cannot and will not just do. Also, this is by no means a character flaw or an insult against women I promise. I have dated many more women than the average man, or as many ‘claim to have’, by default because I consciously chose to be single until the age of 31,and it is only through having had multiple relationships with many many women (most every man never experiences this) that I finally came to completely understand the need for a man to assess and interpret logically the emotional undertone of behavior over direct words and meanings.

        Although for the average man this is a daunting task to say the least, I actually enjoy doing this now :) Nevertheless, I have found that many women (and I know men do not do their part either in this category) often do not seem be able to do the one thing that would change behavior or get desired results. BE DIRECT ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT WHEN IT COMES TO MAJOR LIFE DECISIONS OR EMOTIONS EVEN IF IT FEELS UNNATURAL!!! WHen I hear that a woman should ‘INSPIRE’ a man to perform, I am sorry but this is so much part of the problem. MEN DO NOT COMMUNICATE THIS WAY AND IT IS MISLEADING AND MANIPULITIVE, EVEN IF INTENTIONS ARE GOOD.

        Even if it feels right, a woman must be willing to change her way of thinking as well and adapt. By ‘Inpsiring’ to get results met, you are speaking woman, and will thus, not get through to most men. I do not say this to be mean, nor does it mean a woman has to be more logical, or change her paradigm to suit a man. Nevertheless, just as men are expected to be more understanding of or learn more about how to interpret the non-direct emotional or intuitive communicative process when our minds are not wired to do so, so must women get out of their natural paradigms and thus compromise and understand our naturally direct, logical word-associated style.

        Many women may respond to what seems to be my position as cliche and somewhat trite interpretation of basically ‘Say what you want and need directly’ with, ‘But what if he doesn’t respond, change, meet me half-way, or worse, what if he leaves?” Well, to answer this question, this in an area of advice that women need to hear and take from a mature man’s point of view, as I have taken with many mature women. Ladies, if you are empathetically direct, speak your needs, and truly communicate in a manner that completely has the best interest of the well-being of your partner as well as you (we human-beings neglect this often)if your man is a solid, good person, he will meet your needs. If he does not, and I had to learn this the hard way by dating countless people… LET HIM GO! Yes, stop trying to change him just as he should not change you. LET HIM GO! So many women (and men) cannot seem to let go of what is not a gender issue, but a person to person issue. You consciously believe you are angry at him because he didn’t interpret your indirect message that his leaving an article of clothing or a dish out really hurts you, even if that article of clothing or dish has zero to do with you, and his intentions were completely separate from you, maybe this is a sign you are not really in love, and that you are with the wrong person, not that he simply needs to change.

        So, if a woman truly wants change from a man, or to get the results she claims she wants, this is the only manner, and I speak from a man’s point of view. As similar to how we as men need to approach our relationships with women, it is not good enough to approach it HOW WE THINK IT NEEDS TO BE, OR BY WHAT FEELS CORRECT. No, simply do what is guaranteed to work, which, unfortunately for all of us, is never the easy thing or way.

        In the end, I have a hard time listening to certain women I know complain or be so unhappy with the men in their life if they have in no way directly communicated their needs and continued to allow certain behaviors to compile unchecked, or if they cannot leave the emotional comfort zone of a relationship for the relationship’s sake, even if it is with a man that is really not the best match. That is no way to live. SO, if these measures aren’t taken, either a woman will continually be unhappy or not have her needs met, or, as I have seen before, certain woman do may not even want what they are claiming they want or need but are getting a secondary emotional benefit from the anger that ensueswhen supposed needs are not met, and the entitlement and thus power rush that results from such emotions…

    • Anna C

      Reply Reply June 5, 2013

      I realise now, that you might have already read that article. To provide different information… Yes, it’s so easy to marry someone who loves you more. But will you be happy your whole life with that? Will you end up feeling like something is missing? Will you fantasize about the cute guy at work, wondering… what if? I think you are just frustrated right now with your current situation. Often when my man frustrates me, it feels like I want the opposite thing at the time. But when you come to this post 3 months later, it will sound almost silly to you. Best of luck!

      • Adele

        Reply Reply June 6, 2013

        Thanks for your perspective Anna. I feel like if I don’t ask more often then he never will. He pulls away a lot. In the commitment control course, David said that men pull away when they feel too attached, but when they are in love, they don’t pull away. So I just feel now that he just doesn’t love me, and maybe he is just wrong for me. I stuck it out because I this blog gave me hope. I know that relationships are a mirror. So I attracted this guy to me, and there has to be *some* attraction for us to still be seeing each other…but now I’m just tired of trying. He is surrounded by female friends who just hate on me, thinking I’m stupid for dating him. He wavers back and forth from loving, affectionate, and even possessive to total commitment resistance, going so far as telling me he wants to move from the city to meet new people. I know why he is doing all this, he wants to feel his freedom, but sometimes I get tired of working to improve things. Maybe he even thinks I’m desperate for sticking around through his b.s… Lol, Guess I’m venting. Let’s see how I feel in 3 months!

        • Anna C

          Reply Reply June 6, 2013

          Hey Adele – I know what you mean when you say your guy talks about moving from the city to meet new people… my guy has said that before (well, moving and then not inviting me to move with him). I think he says that when he is scared, and feeling he is incapable of giving you want you need in the relationship at the time. What really helped me, is writing down these things that frustrate me, is do the exercises on Day 2 Video 2 – the masculine & feminine interpretation of things… what could he be thinking when he does this? I think there is something within him that is blocking him from feeling like a man. I would ask myself this question for a few days… what does he NEED to do to feel like a man? I think he will always be resistant like this, and pull away and go to you until he accomplishes this thing. So you have 2 choices: If you love him, you can stay loving him… through all his BS. That is, if you think he is the One for you. If you are tired of sticking around through his BS right now, then take a break! You deserve it… I don’t mean take a break from the relationship, I mean take a break to do what rejuvenates you… take time for YOU. Don’t worry about calling him all the time and inviting him out. I know it’s really hard and you feel like you’ll lose him… but I feel in my heart that it’s the way to go right now. Sometimes my man goes through these phases where he doesn’t call at all and I feel neglected. That’s when I try to read a book or get obsessed with a hobby. Sometimes I get so frustrated…. and I get tired of trying. That’s when I tell myself that I don’t have to try. And I go to sleep. LOL. I’m curious though, what do you mean when you say his girl friends are hating on you? What exactly have they done to make you think that? Do you think any of them want to be with your man?

  • Jared

    Reply Reply May 29, 2013

    Renee, I gotta say that you really do get it. I am a man that understands women more than an average guy does (probably right on the level that Renee’s husband does) and I will say that she is very close to the bulls eye on all of her points.

    My advice to the women that gripe and complain about her advice. Stop typing, start reading.

    You do not like the advice because it is inconvenient. Sure, it’s easy to label your man as an a**hole. We are not forged in the heat of intense relationships the way women are. You ladies come out of childhood/teenage years with a sizable advantage on men when it comes to understanding interpersonal relationships.

    • carli

      Reply Reply May 29, 2013

      itd be nice if every man was also interested in learning bout girls despite the disadvantage of not getting interelationship as girls do. We all can learn and in a relationship both have to be committed. key, right? (:

      • Cody

        Reply Reply October 17, 2013

        But that ignores the main point of the article. The relationship is the focus of more female thoughts and concern then male.

  • Anna C

    Reply Reply May 13, 2013

    Hey Renee,

    I love that whenever I have a relationship problem, at least one of your blog posts gives me the understanding I need that my (very masculine) man doesn’t give. Last night we had a fight on why I was upset about a thing (I felt he didn’t care, he didn’t see a problem) and just because I could see his masculine side to it, he found the need to proclaim that it was “an admission of being WRONG and that he was RIGHT.” To top it off, he called me neurotic for even being upset! (And began to think that because I was upset he wasn’t good enough as a man). UGH!! I understood his side completely but he couldn’t see mine. Then I came to this post and read this line: “To a man, if a woman is upset or angry, and he sees that everyone is well fed and seems to have access to enough resources….his brain can’t understand her being upset! SHE must be crazy!” Then I thought… at least ONE of us understands it!! Thank you soooo much for being a beacon of understanding for women, when their man cannot understand.

    • Anna C

      Reply Reply May 13, 2013

      It’s so much easier to have compassion when you feel understood. I guess this means I have to grow to learn to give compassion even when it is not easy. Thanks for helping me make this revelation with your article. There are so many hidden jewels here.

  • Kalinda

    Reply Reply May 10, 2013

    I don’t think most men are that ignorant. Maybe when they are in their 20′s, but most men I have known do all the things a woman wants, he just does it for everyone else because he takes his woman for granted that she will always be there. It is only when the woman starts pushing back that he sits up and takes notice. The comfort zone is your undoing, for both men and women. Don’t accept unacceptable behavior. I cannot tell you how many times I said I would like to go to the movies, will you take me. The answer was often “I’m too tired.” So I made plans to go with my friends. Suddenly, he’s not too tired anymore. Too bad, I’m going with my friends. Next time I ask, he’s not too tired. Amazing. Until he gets in the comfort zone again.

    If you want to spend your life saying “Good boy!” every time he wipes up his own mess, OK. If you want an equal partner with a clue, you might want to do something a little different. Yes, appreciate the things he does, but too much “compassion” when someone ignores you because “he doesn’t know how to be in a relationship” is what gets many women abused. Watch yourself.

    • Rochelle

      Reply Reply May 13, 2013

      Hi Kalinda, I get what you’re saying. Men have this way of reacting after they see you’re still going to do things on your own. lol It sounds like you showed him he’s allowed to make that excuse but as a result of his excuse, he knows you aren’t going to be dependent on him like that.”too much” compassion would have been sitting at home because he isn’t taking you and just waiting on him.

      I think it’s about finding the balance of enforcing boundaries and being able to be independent (not in a “I don’t need a man” way but in the “I have my own life too” way), while remaining open to him and appreciating what he does do for you. So for example, when he does take you to the movies, I bet you do let him know you do appreciate it. Whenever I let a man know I appreciate something he did for me, he’ll want to do it more often; because then I’m showing I’m not taking his well intentioned actions for granted.

  • Nikki

    Reply Reply April 23, 2013

    Hi Renee love this post! I’ve been receiving your e-mails ever since I stumbled across your work after my break-up. I wonder if you would mind giving me your opinion on how things ended with us. We were in a long-distance relationship, after meeting on a volunteering project over summer. Things were going well, we texted everyday, called a few times a week and skyped once a week. After 8 weeks apart I went to visit him, it was the first time we had seen each other since summer. The visit was less than ideal and I could kick myself for how I behaved while I was there. Well we were intimate pretty quickly and I think I said something that may have upset him, it was quite an intimate thing so I won’t share it here, either way he said that he felt emasculated (obviously a big mistake on my part, I didn’t mean to make him feel like this). Later the same night, things were heating up again between us but things weren’t exactly working on his end and I got upset, I cried and clearly this was a mistake. Later in the visit we were chatting about going to see a show and I told him that I had never been to one and he said that if we’re still together by my birthday then he would take me, later I got upset about the fact that he said “if”. The night before I was due to leave I told him that I had never liked anyone as much as him, and that I felt closer to him for having seen him, he said he felt closer to me too!!

    2 weeks after the visit he called me up to end it, and I believe my behaviour was the main factor, my friends have tried to reassure me otherwise, that it was the distance but I’m not convinced. It been really getting me down that I’ve lost a good man and it’s my own stupid fault. I know I was not acting from a place of confidence or my true feminine self and that I let fear rule my emotions while I was there. I would love love love to know what you think and if you have any advice for me. The whole situation has been really getting me down and I can’t seem to put it behind me, I know he’s moved on but I can’t seem to, I know we were only together for a short while but he was the first guy that I had liked in a long time and properly connected with. Ideally I would love to get back together but I know that this is unlikely but your advice would be so wonderful.

    Thanks you so much for this post and your super helpful e-mails, you’re a star! xx

  • Neng

    Reply Reply April 22, 2013

    OMG !!!! This article is sooooooo helping me a lot with my relationship right now. Thank You soo much Renee. Thank you :)

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply April 26, 2013

      You’re welcome Neng, Thank You for thanking me! :)

      • Catherine

        Reply Reply September 23, 2013

        Hey Renee,

        I am really confused and quite hurt right now because I have been practicing so many of the things on your website, yet I do not feel like my man genuinely cares about my well being. He doesn’t call me until he is about to go to bed, then falls asleep on the phone literally every night. At first, I just felt lovingly that he was tired after a long day of work. I told him it really hurt my feelings that we couldn’t connect for even a 5 minute conversation each day. He asked me how I was tonight then fell asleep on me. I keep giving my love, compassion and vulnerability yet it really does not feel like he cares. When we are in person, most of the time he is distracted by his phone, the TV or his computer. I keep giving and I keep getting hurt. Does he just not care?

        Thank you! Your advice is so comforting and I have gotten a lot closer to my true self by feeling more and opening up.

  • Angelica

    Reply Reply April 22, 2013

    I love your newsletters/advice. I love this article my favorite this far. I have used your advise & i find myself happier & those around me as well. thank you Renee. Thank you.

  • su-su

    Reply Reply April 22, 2013

    Hi Renee

    Thank you for taking your time to write these marvalous articles.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply April 26, 2013

      You’re welcome su-su!

  • Claire

    Reply Reply April 22, 2013

    Thank you for this article.u are amazing Renee.

  • Sue Stevenson

    Reply Reply April 21, 2013

    This article is excellent, we all expect men to know how to behave to make a relationship successful, and we all think we know how to make a relationship successful. Life is one long learning curve and we have to be open to changing. Thank you.

  • Anna C

    Reply Reply April 21, 2013

    Hey Renée, thank you for this article. It came at an appropriate time. As you explained in the article, I had been becoming constantly upset at my man’s seeming inattention to me, and the more unhappy I seem the more he thinks I’m crazy or unstable and the more he calls me unstable, the more I don’t feel like I’m enough of a woman for him. What you said about people understanding maybe 50% of communication is definitely very true. I often wish my man understood me more and vice versa. I’ve never had such a masculine man in my life, and it’s kind if foreign, but really good. When it’s good, it’s amazing but when we misunderstand each other, it breeds insecurity in me. I hate and dread the times we misunderstand each other.

    • Sara

      Reply Reply April 22, 2013

      Hi Anna,

      I can definitely relate to your comments here. Often what seems to me that he has lost interest or that he is taking me for granted is due to a lack of understanding.

      For example, I get sad and cry sometimes and then a few mins later I am happy and smiling again and this is very common for a woman especially around the time of the month. Sometimes it is an expression of some kind of fear or insecurity all natural feelings, but very painful ones…

      When I feel down or sad, deep down all I need from him is a hug and a bit of reassurance, but he either tries to solve something for me (which is not helpful of course, because all I need is to let the frustration pass) or he gets upset not knowing what I want from him. I had resented him for his reaction but more and more I start to understand that it is due to a lack of understanding and definitely not a lack of love or care. However, if I don’t remind myself of his love for me I tend to feel that I am not enough or that he is losing interest…

      • Anna C

        Reply Reply April 22, 2013

        Hi Sara, thanks for replying… yes, you are right, it is a lack of understanding, and I do have to keep reminding myself of his love for me.. You are right, all I really want is a hug and reassurance from him. Yesterday, he was frustrated because I was acting down (I said it was not about him and he refused to believe it). Then I told him that all I wanted was a hug and for him to say he loves me. He later did that & I felt so much better. Sometimes I feel like I understand him, but he doesn’t understand me much. And that makes me sad. Maybe it’s an illusion & I don’t understand him much either. Though I work on it every day.

        • Sara

          Reply Reply April 22, 2013

          Hi Anna,

          I do get this same idea that he doesn’t get me as much as I do or that he doesn’t try.

          Interestingly enough, when I discuss relationships with my guy friends, I realized that they might not understand what we say but they do understand so many subtle messages that we send them subconsciously. I realized that they detect insecurity and need so well and it is one of the major reasons that I have seen them pulling away from their girlfriends, because they value freedom so much more than anything else in the world..

          You know I feel that when I am down like that I want him to accept my feelings, to hug me and make me feel better and not get frustrated… but at the same time I realize that just like anything in life it’s like you are “pulling money out” of the relationship in these moments to feel better but they you must put it back eventually because if you keep pulling out there is nothing left and you start to become a burden in his life. He cannot experience freedom within the relationship anymore… It is a very difficult balance.

        • Anna C

          Reply Reply April 22, 2013

          Hi Sara, thanks so much for your warning… I totally get you. Men do sniff out insecurity very easily, and that’s when I get scared, and feel out of control because I feel guilty for having it, and scared he’ll leave me because of it… I hate it when I go through these cycles, like the phases of the moon, because it feels like I’m going out of control crazy (at least to him it seems that way). I have to remember it’s really not as bad as I think, and that every time I demand attention and reassurance, in a needy way, it’s taking from the bank account. Renee teaches some ways a woman can get that reassurance without seeming needy, but when you are needy, it’s hard to hide! So during times like these I like to withdraw from the relationship in hopes that I won’t say something stupid, I’m not sure if this is the best way, but it’s the only way I know how, because I feel so out of control when I’m insecure. I need to find balance first. What helps me is reading or learning something completely unrelated to the relationship. Thanks for your advice, you really helped a lot.

          • lm

            Reply Reply December 17, 2013

            “Renee teaches some ways a woman can get that reassurance without seeming needy”

            She does? I have to admit I have yet to see that — unless it’s suggestions like “pet the dog” or “take a bubble bath” that have nothing to do with getting the reassurance from the man you’re seeking it from … especially when they’re taking so much energy from you, the woman.

            Are there some posts you could point me to …?

  • Eva

    Reply Reply April 21, 2013

    Hi Renee, thanks for this article. It is a good reminder, two days ago I instinctively started speaking in this indirect way to the man that I so deeply would like to reconnect with. What he said to me over and over was that ‘I don’t know what you want from me’ and other things that previously would not make sense to me like ‘it’s because i get focused on work’. I have taken both your courses understanding men (love this!) and commitment control, I grew so much and keep growing but of course make some mistakes. It’s just funny/sad that when it feels like it matters the most my feminine instincts take over. I have been apart from him for about 5 months now, there is so much I could say and want to say about our relationship but I do not want to ramble too much. I am often surrounded by men who adore me and over the last year I keep attracting more great people into my life, but i’m just not sure why i am not interested in a new man, i am still in love and feel troubled that he seems to be staying away from me because of the fact that i am a ‘great girl’ (and maybe he just does not want to get hooked/ lose his freedom). I guess this response turned into a little rant, but just know I love your work! and it comforts me during moments of confusion.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply April 21, 2013

      Hi Eva,

      It’s my pleasure to have my work be a comfort to you, thanks for letting me know this!

      Haha, such a typical scenario, a woman talking and a man asking ‘what do you want from me?’.

      Don’t worry, you’re not the only one whose feminine instincts take over when it matters! xo

      • Anna C

        Reply Reply April 22, 2013

        Though I’m getting a lot better at it, since the courses, I think… I’m not doing anything nearly as sabotaging as before, but still, there is more work to be done.

    • Anna C

      Reply Reply April 22, 2013

      Renee and Eva, I completely know what you mean about having your feminine instincts take over when it matters…. it happens to me too and it feels like I’m trapped in a vortex and just trying to get out to sanity where everything is balanced again. At times like these I want to pull away, because I’m scared my reactions will push him away…. but I’m also scared that if I pull away too much and withhold love (not because I want to punish him, but because I’m scared he won’t understand me and call me crazy and that will hurt me more) then the relationship will suffer. I hate times like these when I am trapped in my feminine head and all I want to do is come out and seek balance. I feel like everything I do in this stage will push him away when all I want is for him to be close again. I’ve taken both courses you mention above too, and even so, it’s hard to process these things when your feminine brain is in control, even if we remember them on paper.

      • Eva

        Reply Reply April 22, 2013

        I can relate to what you are saying. The only thing I want to mention is that you cannot act out of fear. Sometimes if I feel like fear is the reason why I may choose to do something I just go ahead and do what I actually need, because feeling afraid sort of makes you feel unworthy of love, but you are worthy! Also you will probably feel stronger and less crazy once you express yourself or do what you need to (if that is withdrawing and focusing on yourself or telling him something), just if possible take a moment and choose how you do this in a less impulsive way. I don’t know if i made sense just now haha, but that’s sort of what makes me feel better.

        • Anna C

          Reply Reply April 22, 2013

          Yes you are absolutely right – fear is the issue here. Lately I’ve been having a lot of fear, and it’s hard to know for sure what is triggering it. Fear definitely makes you feel unworthy of love. Thanks for your reply! It definitely made me feel better. You are right, and you made a lot of sense. I think right now I need to withdraw into myself for a while. But I’ve been feeling too guilty to do it, or feeling like it’s wrong. Good luck on your journey too Eva.

  • Kendra

    Reply Reply April 21, 2013

    I wish I knew about this years ago! Whenever I saw a girl get treated lavishly by another guy and in comparison felt like my man wasn’t doing as much I’d not only look sad, but I’d get angry and in extreme cases, very critical. Then he would try to explain that he has done a lot and I’d say…no…if you did you’d take me out to dinner like that guy is doing for his girl, you’d do this, you’d do that, you probably don’t put in effort because you want another girl, etc etc. And he’d go silent after that. I noticed when you hit a nerve with a guy they go silent (which is SCARY).

    Anyway, I did try your suggestion on affirming the good stuff a guy would do for me. For example, one of my exes (we’re friends now) asked me what was wrong because I went into a depressive mood. I told him, he listened. After we finished talking, I told him I appreciated him listening to me (Use the word appreciate, it sounds a bit more personal/thankful instead of the typical thank you. Also make sure you MEAN it, otherwise your message isn’t gonna go across), smiled, and I gave him a hug. He lit up and from then on he listened to me more! :D Whereas before I’d nag him about it and make him feel bad (I learned my lesson and it’s just not very nice. I wouldn’t want someone to talk to me that way).

    So yeah…I just focus on the good things/intentions a guy does do for me, even if it’s not in the way I expect. It’s a good start and it also makes you a much happier and pleasant person to be around. Thanks Renee :D

  • Neferyuya

    Reply Reply April 21, 2013

    On a different note but still in subject,

    I started noticing some thing first with a friend and then in my own
    life about the way men stay connected with their women and show it
    vs. our more extravagant ways…my friend was so worried because her
    man away at college during finals was only greeting her with I love you
    statements every day and saying nothing but little greetings like clockwork
    daily at the same time. He was touching base during an incredibly stressful time
    - she’d not been to college and didn’t relate. I shared some Renee Wade
    insight with her that calmed her already mounting fears that almost resulted in a
    text frenzy of her doing. That would have been bad – instead,
    she calmed and went about her business and they are happy together still.

    All is well for her. I pointed out that she knows he does not talk much anyway.
    Finals are very stressful – she was probably his waking bright spot for encouragement
    every morning. That turned out to be true.

    In my own life, I knew some thing rather awful happened and the man I care about
    thought enough of me to speak with me right before he had to take care of some important matters.

    That is not lost on me at all.

    I was not too busy thinking to notice that.

  • Neferyuya

    Reply Reply April 21, 2013

    I do have to say there is a certain kind of bliss to be had but it comes from within me.

    Then I have to live it so he can see it and I notice that works really well in our
    lives regarding the way we interact. That’s where the bliss is because it brings him forward.
    He responses so nicely, openly.

    The guy I love has been through a lot. He’s a good man.

    I do have compassion for my ex, and take note of his feelings.

    I don’t want to trash talk him or hurt him – I am not one for that sort of thing,
    all people say a few bad words once in a while in life,
    but it does not have to become a mantra of thought.

    There’s no dis-respect going on between any one.

    I look around and see that everything is where it should be given all the things that
    are going on, lots of respect in the air, bitter sweet times but on the high end of
    respect. What can one sensibly ask for in this world? This world keeps moving.
    Our lives move with it in some fashion.

    I believe it was you Renee, who pointed out that a lot of times it is like women want the end result and life is not about the end result – we would not want to hurry through our life just so we can know how the book ends. Something like that. You said that? I think so – I think of that a lot
    when I get fearful in times that are trying to scare people LOL

    About space;
    One has to really step back and see all the things going on in the lives of loved ones and
    put oneself in their shoes realizing how it would feel to need a little space that women always
    call “me time”. Incidentally, I only hear women talk about “me time” when they can’t get it
    - even me I guess – so, since we know we need it – it would seem hypocritical to not give
    a guy some space and be thankful for what one has wit that guy.

    The recognition of having some thing that is not like an object you can hold
    but rather a continuing promise of love…..well, I guess that description shows the
    reason that there are so many issues with the subject.

    Human beings are not objects yet, some times people can
    get wrapped in treating people the way they would treat
    a possession.

    To love some one is like saying
    “I honor you and your presence in my life”
    but life is mundane, seemingly not that poetic in general society.
    It gets hard to feel that honor unless you think
    about it forefront. Knowing expectation is a wrong way of thinking
    is critical. Love can’t be treated like drugs that one needs a fix with.
    That’s a life – love is.

    I’m not lonely, I am not dissatisfied.

    I feel filled with a lot of love.

    Patience – that is supposed to be patience with the man and his ways – but, I find
    it to be patience with myself as well.

    Patience for love.

    Your Understanding Men Program is nice because it’s true.

  • Eva

    Reply Reply April 21, 2013

    Hiya, this article nailed again what worries me nowadays. I’m getting really lost as I don’t know what to do. Every time when I talk directly men see me as a strong woman,somebody who’s good to be a friend. And I have serious struggles to talk feminine as I want to be understood. I mean if I’m hungry I will ask to stop at a shop as I am hungry.
    But men don’t like this. This is where my confusion begins.
    Men ‘complain’ that women are ‘crazy,, too emotional, impossible to understand’ but still they stick around with the “drama queens” so I just don’t know what is right.
    I want a masculine man but it seems impossible at this moment. I’m not feminine enough, I don’t like to beat around the bush.
    Ok, sorry for my rambling, but this is a seriously confusing stuff for me.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply April 21, 2013

      Hi Eva,

      You’re feminine, that’s for sure. ‘Beating around the bush’ – I say that to indicate what it looks like from a man’s perspective. It’s not beating around the bush to ME, with my girlfriends, the way we communicate, that’s for sure.

      How do you know men don’t like you saying you want to stop to eat? What gave you that indication?

      By the way, just because men complain…doesn’t mean they actually don’t like the crazy :) some might not like it, others just might!

  • Holly

    Reply Reply April 21, 2013

    Hello dear renee :-)

    I’ve been educating myself about men, gender diffirences, human behaviour ect, for the laat six years of my life. In fact, I haven’t just researched but extensibely researched with a great passion.

    Their for, I can say that I greatly value and appreciate your knowledge and wisdom, hudgely because it demonstrates everything I believe inside. Lol, I envision you as the truth masteress.

    Whatever you have to say on men’s behaviour, I fully respect and appreciate; case in point, I jnow that it’s coming from and honest, authentic place.

    Well you certainly know a whole lot more about men than I do, so whatever you have to say is greatly apreciated and excepted; I want to know everything their to know about men, and everything

    • Holly

      Reply Reply April 21, 2013

      …about human behavior… (my phone is difficult to write messages on, so I had to send what I was just writing)….yes, as I was saying, I open minded to everything your saying.

      I learn’t some fundemental truth’s recenlty, that change has to come within, life is just projection, we all relate to life depending on the individual experiences learn’t, so their for, I choose to be of and understanding and compassionate nature because were all just doing the best we knoq how.

      Believe me renee, I have to remind myself due to life experiences that i’m no victim although Ivery sensitive I have to let it go, and show compassion to everyone.

      Now i’m at a place in my life were I can apreciate men and womens diffirencs and working towards self development, to become a better person.

      My final thought’s are that it’s better to be hated for who you are than loved for who your not! Is something i’ve read in the past which is so true.

      We’re whole people that means everyone has light and dark element’s to their nature and the people have to except all the things you say.

      Lol, their would be nothing to learn and grow from if we just edited what we want to hear.

      Have a great day :-)

  • T

    Reply Reply April 21, 2013

    Awesome article Renee!!!
    Honestly, had it not been for you, and this fabulous insight, you’ve just shared, I would just have gone ‘mad’ and insane with worry, concern, and much much confusion, about guys and their different behaviors.
    Already starting to feel more relaxed about being with the very ‘masculine’ guy I’m with, and how to just be, and feel free, in my female self, around him, instead of wondering all the time, and being filled with many confusing questions, which takes up so much of my mental energy
    Am understanding now, the reasons for alot of misunderstandings, and of how they could’ve, and can, be avoided, in future, with all other males, I come across too.
    This is such helpful insight !!! I’m beginning to truly appreciate males, from their perspective, and especially in the way you explain this, and by illuminating’ how to better connect with them, in ways which they recognize, and respond to, more.

    Renee…You are just incredible with all this stuff !!
    Never mind the ‘light bulb’…this is like 10,000 watt flood lights, going off !! I can seriously see things, that I never did before. Am feeling incredibly relieved, by what you’ve just shared.
    Really enjoyed this insight.

    Great work! And thanks

  • Serena

    Reply Reply April 20, 2013

    I don’t hate you and your message as it is, and I know a lot of women don’t either… Just putting that out there :)

    “To a man, if a woman is upset or angry, and he sees that everyone is well fed and seems to have access to enough resources….his brain can’t understand her being upset! SHE must be crazy!”

    THIS cracked me up SOOO much because it’s SOOO true! I’ve spent hours of my life explaining why this is to my boyfriend and he finally understood…1 year later xD So yes, you’re right. There is hope but men take time to learn :)

    Also, is it normal if I am a naturally direct person? I mean, I’m very feminine and all, but I’ve always told my boyfriend exactly what I want in a very direct way (ie : I simply say “Can you take out the trash?” instead of implying it).

    Anyway, take care and thanks for the article! :D

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply April 20, 2013

      Hi Serena,

      It’s fine…I’m sure all women are direct about some things…but what’s funny is that, that’s not that direct anyway (what you’ve described here).

      Telling a man what to do is the extreme version of being direct ie: ‘take out the trash’.

      What you’re doing is great, you’re asking him in a nice way, and he enjoys being helpful (as most men do), so there’s nothing wrong with that.


  • idealistic

    Reply Reply April 20, 2013

    and it all makes sense now, my ex boyfriend had to be the VERY masculine type. Sometimes he could be distracted or needed my guide but when it came to the feelings, sharing areas of it, he was def a masculine man. He’d always say everything was ok altho I had noticed he not being the same as in the beginning of the relationship. Now, that was before we met (after 9 months of talking through whastapp, skype, facebook, i met him online) Add to that the difference of culture in which we were and different countries of living. Add to that my very feminine energy way of always trying to solve stuff by talking a lot. Add to that the stress of him wanting to feel successful and not just a navy guy who depends on the government. Is there any different rules from when having a long distance relationship? How about when they decide to pull away just when you have the opportunity to spent more time with them? (going for an exchange to his country, USA, and live there for 3 months, 3 hours away from where he lived, being able to come only on weekend as i dont know how to drive, etc) now, me wanting to be with him was more of a knowing that we wont see each other at all when going back to my country. Its been one month since I came back, since he dropped me to the airport after ignoring me or being “busy” with his job and life for one month and a half after i told him on the phone that we were “done”; and after me, wanting to fix things by telling him to try it again…I guess what didnt help either was me always feeling insecure about the relationship for its own long-distance nature and this was the first time he was like “ok, if ure not happy I guess i will respect your desicion” with no intend onto working things out, or talking. It makes sense what you say Renee, but it also confuses me because it happened in a moment in which we had to “take advantage” of the fact of me being closer to him. Of course, I still love him otherwise I wouldnt be writing on here. Of course i sometimes tried to keep us in touch through messages on FB and, of course, he is being the less communicative as possible. He is living his life as if he-even tho was still with me- was getting ready to get out easily of the relationship if I ever mentioned the ‘breaking up’ subject that, at the beginning, before meeting, would make him cry and beg. Anyways, I know I should move on, but I did loved him and somehow not knowing this on time makes me feel a little bit sad that I didnt understand how masculine he was but, it also makes me think about when a guy truly wants something, he’ll do anything to have it, you know, like he did when he decided he wanted to travel half way the world to meet me and called me, as he once did, the girl of his dreams and the woman he wanted to spent the rest of his life with. I guess only time can tell and despite he being my first love in every way (if u know what i mean) I will learn and try to have a better relationship on the future. Any advice would be appreciate it since im struggling with my emotions ever since. Thank you Renee, you’re so wise and very good at what you do. I wish if it was in my hands, to take one of your programs but thats another storie I guess.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply April 20, 2013

      idealistic, hi!

      In a long distance relationship, everything (emotions) are exaggerated even more, and problems are more exaggerated…but so is love.

      I don’t think he didn’t love you…but you’re right, everything you’re describing here is consistent with him being a masculine man.

      Yes, it would be nice to have him have done everything he could to keep you…however, from his perspective, (thinking like a guy), he probably really thought that you weren’t happy, and that’s like death to him.

      If it would make you happier doing something else…why not let you do it?

      Now..I’m sure you know from my work that what gets you a commitment is Attraction and Connection.

      However, how easy is it really to build attraction in a long distance relationship? It’s not so easy. So there was that factor as well.

      Don’t be surprised if he contacts you randomly in the future asking to meet up.

      All this time…he’s just focusing on his job…being a good provider.

      Remember what makes a man worthy? It’s not having a great relationship, that’s for sure.

      Thanks for writing here…I really appreciate it! xox

      • Idealistic

        Reply Reply April 22, 2013

        Ahhhh REnee, you made my day by answering me here! I feel so honored that you took the time :) I guess thats right, he is focusing on his job very much which is not bad but definetely it affected us, not the first time when he visited me because he asked for vacations to be in my country but when i had the chance to go there and be three hours away from him.. When i was back in my country and he knew i wasnt as ok as him with ending the relatinship, he did wrote me he did love me but it wasnt the right time and that maybe in the future, when we both were more stable and were done with our careers i could ‘move there’ and hed like that. I answered a little bit defensive, ever since then he is avoiding talking to me and it kills me, also to think that he could be dating other girls, which, is the case of most guys?, youre the experte, Renee, i will def let you know if he contacts me in the future, which I hope because I do love him, I guess I should focus on me, too. thank you so much!!! And i hope everything is going well with your husband and future baby :)

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