How Men Think: Don’t Expect a Man to Put more “Effort” in to your Relationship than You

How Men Think

Whenever I suggest something like this, I risk a whole hoard of women hating me. Enough women hate my message as it is….and yet, it’s when I suggest this that I really feel women digging their nails in to me as if I have betrayed them and I am working against woman.

Quite the contrary. When I say this, I say it from a place of understanding of masculine men. I say it because I intend for more women in the world to have more happiness in their relationships with men.

I do my best to communicate my best intentions in every piece of writing that I do, but I’m not able to clearly communicate everything to every woman reading.

All I want is for women to experience the same freedom from their fears I have learned to experience in my interactions with men. And stop feeling like victims and actually keep a good relationship with a man, rather than break up with a man, later realising that the man did care about her.

How is it REALLY, for Men?

Here’s the thing about men who are born with more masculine hormones; and are therefore, in nature, masculine men.

Relationship is not their specialty. It simply isn’t.

Men care about having a relationship, and want a relationship, but they don’t come with the instinctive understanding about how to communicate and express love the way women might.

Women are simply overall, better intuitively at understanding relationships and developing closeness with other humans than men are. Now, there are a lot of cold and callous women out there who don’t have the compassion to have any relationship at all. They couldn’t even hold a relationship with a frog. But that’s their own fear taking over their life, and they are certainly not living in their feminine energy, that’s for sure.

Men want relationships, but they may not know how to go about it. They don’t generally talk about relationships with other men, sometimes they don’t even think to do that. It’s great for the men who do talk about it, but most men just don’t. See these 5 insights on men that I wrote about…

Why Men Just Aren’t as Intuitive when it comes to Relationships…

A single man might think about a relationship and having one, say 1-10% (maximum) that a single woman would.

See, for many women, it’s generally well understood that if we have a good relationship; then we are successful. Other women look at and observe our relationship. We compare relationships, we compare mate quality, we compare how much another woman’s man does for us compared to what our man does for us…

For a MAN – (and this is from a male’s perspective), nobody cares if he has a great relationship apart from his woman. For a man, his success is judged by how much he has achieved (money, status, career, influence, social dominance, etc).

Now think about this:

WHO thinks about relationships more? Men or women? Women.

Who do you think is going to be more successful and in tune to relationship problems? The person who thinks about it more or the person who thinks about it less?

That’s for you to answer.

Here’s the really interesting thing: for women who don’t have a happy relationship in their life just yet, Many of them read books that involve romance. They watch movies that involve romance. They FILL UP their need for relational happiness with romance novels and dramatic movies. Or they talk about their relationship; or about the single life with their friends.

And yet….do you see many single men with romance novels?

Didn’t think so.

Relationship is OUR Specialty

For a feminine woman; we are driven to seek out relationships. It IS our specialty. We read subtle body language, subtle tones in spoken words (feminine energy actually hears primary mood and tone) and we can talk for hours.

But get this – unless he’s been trained or had experience – men won’t even notice subtle body language or subtle changes in a woman’s tone of voice, and even if he does become conscious of it – he can’t compute in his mind that you want him to actually come forward and work out what you mean, (in other words, give you more attention and reassurance that he is there for you).

For example. You’re out at a party one night, and a woman who has always been a bitch to you comes up to you and makes some snide remark that is passive aggressive like ‘oh you look soooo CUTE!’ in a condescending tone. After she leaves, you say to the man you’re with “oh my gosh, did you hear the way she said that?! She’s such a bitch!” and he looks blankly back at you, not understanding what you mean and not seeing what just happened.

As Long as Everyone is Fed…

See, all these little details in communication between people are not a man’s domain. He doesn’t care, as it doesn’t coincide with his life’s mission; which is to win, to get something done and to get to the point.

A lot of men think that as long as he works hard to provide, that this is enough, and the woman will be happy. Obviously, women know that’s not true.

To a man, this is effort. This is HIS form of effort. Not yours.

To a man, if a woman is upset or angry, and he sees that everyone is well fed and seems to have access to enough resources….his brain can’t understand her being upset! SHE must be crazy!

She must be…she’s crying in a situation that I wouldn’t cry in. That’s how men think.

What I am suggesting you try to understand is this:

I’m not saying Men don’t put EFFORT in, I’m saying, men may not put effort in to a relationship the way YOU want him to. That can take a man time to learn.

Women get by on Subtle Relations and Communication….Men Don’t

Now, by the way, sometimes, if you’re lucky, a man might have picked up on this subtle energy from the nasty woman saying ‘oh you look soooo CUTE!’…usually though, he wouldn’t have.   And you are left feeling lonely because he doesn’t understand the devastation you had to just go through with that awful woman.

It’s quite funny really. Communication between women (especially OUTSIDE of the work force, and outside of other masculine environments), mostly occurs in an ‘implication’ type of way…we imply what we mean, we make suggestions or go around in circles beating around the bush (talk about our feelings rather than list a problem directly) until someone else paraphrases what we’re saying…until someone indicates that they are willing and able to understand our words and thoughts.

This doesn’t happen with men. Men are direct. And what I’ve learned is, what a woman thinks is direct is STILL not direct in a man’s mind!

See my article on the one masculine skill all women need in dating…

Women Communicate Indirectly

And it’s a huge frustration for many, many men, dealing with women….wishing and wondering why women just can’t TELL him what it is that she wants…but if you were to ask a feminine woman, we don’t WANT to do that.

We can learn to do that…but we have massive resistance to doing that, because it’s not natural in our physical body; OR because we feel that the directness will get us hurt, or hurt a man’s feelings.

It took me years to realise this…I can now communicate my wants to my man more directly if it is needed (not always, I prefer to be indirect and see if he picks up on it…luckily, after so many years together with my husband and a ridiculously good understanding of women, my man picks up on around 50% of my ‘implied meanings’) ie: “it’s starting to smell in the kitchen…it’s actually starting to smell a bit like trash.’

And he will almost always say: ‘I’m taking the trash out now.’ And we look at each other and laugh, because I still couldn’t find it in me to say ‘take the trash out now David’. My instinctive way of interacting is indirect communication. It’s like I don’t even think and what comes out of my mouth is an indirect communication…

I’m just (very subconsciously) hoping the person I’m talking to cares enough to figure out what I mean.

Why shouldn’t you Expect a Man to put More “Effort” in to your relationship than You?

I believe that the very desire in us women to have men put more effort in to a relationship is a lie. That’s what we SAY we want, but what we really MEAN, is that we just want to know we have a man’s commitment. We want him to tell us we have his commitment, repeatedly, for the rest of our life.

Yet, men are often far too clueless about women’s need for reassurance and security to ever pick up on our NEED for that, that we get more and more frustrated, and the more frustrated we get, the more we try to ‘talk’ about things with a man….which leads us to think that our talking is ‘working’ on the relationship..but it’s not.

Talking to another FEMALE is ‘working’ on your relationship or friendship with HER…it’s not classified as working on a relationship with a man.

Sure, sometimes, talking to a man, in some contexts, will work to get a certain result.

But…it’s the way we communicate that makes most of OUR OWN efforts to make a relationship better with men a waste of energy.

If the other person cannot receive your communication in a way that they need to hear it..you’ve already failed at communicating. And it’s not fair to assume that men should just get us. That they should just get what we are saying.

(Again, men usually use words ONLY to hold conversations that have an actual POINT.)

We think he should talk to us more or show us more love…but what you have to understand is, all this talking and demanding that he put “more effort” in to the relationship doesn’t work in your favour, with men.

If more commitment and more love is really what you want, then you need to understand these three things:

1) Relationships are YOUR domain, not his. If he’s masculine. He NEEDS you, to be patient and to reward EVERYTHING great that he ever does, in order for him to start and do more of the right thing. He needs you to be there for him in that way.

Most men are totally happy alone. So they don’t often ‘get’ what is a good thing to do with a woman and what is a bad thing to do…

Have you ever noticed that very masculine men rarely feel the need to ‘call up’ their male friends to talk? Have you ever noticed that men get by without really contacting a lot of their circle of friends?

Masculine energy is at home alone…so they can go years without contacting family members or friends and still be ok.

My father was like this. My husband is no different, either. Masculine energy is at home being by itself. It’s ok living on an island for days, weeks, and months alone. It’s ok to meditate in a cave for days on end and forget about contacting you (really).

And here’s the shocking part: A LOT of men won’t even understand that you needed him to contact you when he was away or working.

2) ‘Work’ and ‘Effort’ is not what you need to put in. Understanding is, compassion is. And, almost always far more compassion than you think.

Most women’s idea of work is to talk and discuss and to dramatize things, hoping that her man will give her the response she wants (usually, more of his presence, more of his love, and reassurance that he loves her and won’t leave her).

Effort can mean anything. Work can mean anything. You could could put lots of ‘effort’ in to scratching your butt for an hour every day, but who would that benefit and what positive consequences would that have?

And don’t talk to me about how my advice is killing women because some men are just a**holes. This is taking what I am saying out of context. If he’s truly an a**hole and you don’t want to be with him, then you can choose not to be with him. I’m saying: having compassion for males is INDEPENDENT of your selection of a certain male, and whether you choose to be with a sleazebag or not.

The most basic spiriutal advice that anyone (and any book) can give is to have compassion, even for the people who have hurt you. It doesn’t mean I’m telling you to be patient with a total assbag. It just means; try developing some compassion even AFTER you’ve broken up with him.

It’s just a little try, that’s all I’m asking of you. After all, a little try is actually more than most women will do when it comes to men. Because it’s too scary to open to the possibility of compassion for *gasp* a MAN.

It’s funny how people make the mistake of thinking compassion is for the other person. It’s not; compassion is for YOU.

So:

Trade ‘talking and discussing’ as your idea of ‘putting a lot of effort in’ for simple reinforcement of men’s good actions with your happiness!

3) If you want a masculine man, then expect relationship problems. Expect fights and expect extreme frustration. The more masculine a man is, the more different you are, so the more clashes you will have. (But don’t NOT expect bliss and the happiest time of your life). 

If you want things to be easy, then don’t have a relationship.

If you want things to be easy, then a wussy man might be what you want. If not a wussy man, then maybe a more feminine man. And even then, you’ll find it hard if you are feminine inside….because every cell in your body is actually hoping and willing for this man to be more masculine, have more direction, and be more present with you.

Men need YOUR help…

But if a very masculine man is what you want…you have to understand and respect that he needs YOUR help to be in the relationship with you. This idea of how to ‘help’ is something I go in to  in my Understanding Men Program here:

http://understanding-men-live.com/

In this program (my personal favourite of all our programs), I show you many ways to be closer to a man…from how to open him up to how to still be a woman and have your connection needs met without a man pulling away from you.

The takeaway from this article is this:

Men need your help to be in a loving relationship with you. This ‘help’ comes in many forms. The BEST place to start is by positively reinforcing all the GREAT things he does in a relationship with you, yes, even if it is small.

Thanks for reading! If you have any opinions or comments…leave them below! And if you liked the article, leave a comment just saying hi! I love hearing from you!

Renee the feminine woman

77 Comments

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  • Vana

    Reply Reply August 14, 2014

    I feel like if I must put in more effort than he does, i feel taken for granted and used. I have felt this way in all my relationships. In the end, he leaves.me to be with someone else after I have put all this effort into our relationship. It’s not fair that I have to work harder than he does and get nothing for all my hard work. It’s the main reason I don’t want a relationship anymore. If I have to do most of the work,what do I need him for? Why does he get to sit back, do less and get all that I have to give? It’s not fair!

    Explain why I must do this in order to get nothing I want and watch him walk away to be with someone else.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply August 14, 2014

      Hey Vana, thanks for your comment. I understand your feeling of frustration when your efforts aren’t returned. What is the effort that you’ve put in that he didn’t return?

  • Joan

    Reply Reply July 31, 2014

    Thanks, I really needed to read this again. I’ve been having some family problems, actually I’m in no contact with them, and my man, well, he’s sort of not there. He’s there, if the phone rings and its mother, he stands by close, and sees if I’m upset he’ll be prepared even to get rid of her. She’s not called but I know he will pick up the phone if he has to, to deal with her. He’s like a guard about that.

    But for me to talk about it? Forget it. At first it was ok, I could talk to him about it, but ok point over, move on. lol, sorry just rereading this and its funny. Yep.

  • Alison

    Reply Reply July 15, 2014

    Hi Renee, I would just like to say thank you. You pointed out everything I’m worried about in my relationship in this article, and it really helped me open my eyes. I’m a classic over-thinker and a planner, with an extremely laid-back, fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants boyfriend. I love this article and your outlook, it really helped me. I guess anytime I’m feeling insecure in my relationship, I’ll just come back and re-read this article to remind myself that everything is probably fine.

    Thank you :)

  • ugh

    Reply Reply June 1, 2014

    this is disgusting

    • Nann

      Reply Reply June 1, 2014

      Go away you. This actually makes sense and it’s people like you who made society such a nightmare to live in.
      And thank you Renee, this solves literally all my problems. You go girl ! :D

  • Brittany

    Reply Reply May 28, 2014

    Renee,
    I am so happy I came across this post. My boyfriend is absolutely the most masculine man I have ever met. You have pinpointed every single doubt, concern, worry and given me such relief and understanding. Thank you so much!

  • K

    Reply Reply May 14, 2014

    Hi there,
    I have been in a relationship for 5 years with the same guy.
    I am having way too many problems making him respond to my needs.
    I am a very low-maintenance girlfriend. I say that with a grain of salt because my expectations seem to be utterly unattainable. But to me, they are basic building blocks that still, after 5 years, have not been met.

    I stress importance on 3 major issues, which I’ve repeated over and over and over and over, etc. (you get the point).

    1. Make rare family outings/ special occasions a priority. Meaning, you don’t have to come to every social event there is… But when it’s a rare occasion or an important family engagement, it’s mandatory that you be there with me. For 5 years, I’ve gone to every family event, dinner party, or important engagement ALONE. I’m sick of everyone always asking me where he is, there is NEVER EVEN A REASON.

    2. Make weekend plans with me and think AT LEAST a week in advance. After 5 years, he still has problems making plans with me (more specifically, weekend plans and plans in advance).

    3. Be punctual. Punctuality has plagued both of our lives and caused problems in our relationship from the beginning. I think it’s only fair that I hold him to the same standards that I for myself. If he’s not making an effort to be on time, then why would I? And why wouldn’t this be a reasonable thing to demand more consistency of. Is it not a basic building block in life?

    What the hell is going on that makes these kind of commitments so hard to achieve????

    Thank you,

    K

  • Jen

    Reply Reply February 28, 2014

    Hi Renee.

    Thank you for this enlightening article. I actually happened in this because of my search to understand my boyfriend. I love him dearly but he often frustrates me a lot because I often felt that he does not put an effort to communicate with me. He is so masculine and sometimes I feel that he is so dense at the same time. I know I’m using OFTEN a lot but that is how he actually makes me feel. Often frustrates me because I feel that all the effort to make this relationship work is coming from me and I often question myself if he is worth all of this or if he really loves me, etc., etc. My main problem really is communication. We live worlds apart like I’m in A and he is living in Z and it is hard to make a relationship work. Really, really hard. There’s the doubt of course, the insecurities, the not seeing each other physically although to be fair to him he really makes it a point that we skype as often as we can even if its only for a few mins. It’s when he can’t make it online and I would not hear from him all day that bothers me. I am often the one to initiate the contact so I have this thought that what if I stop making effort will it end just like that? I feel that he loves me (well, some may say I’m delusional and sometimes I even think like that) since we live worlds apart but we have been going on like this for more than a year now and he is flying the world halfway again this April just to see me. A man who will travel more than 24 hours sitting on a plane it’s either he is crazy or he really loves me too. I choose to believe the latter. Sorry, I have been going on and on. Anyway, I just want to thank you really. You have uplifted my spirit and given me hope. :)

  • plenty of fish

    Reply Reply November 20, 2013

    Nice post. I was checking continuously this blog
    and I am impressed! Extremely useful info particularly the last part :) I care for such information a lot.
    I was seeking this particular information for a long time.
    Thank you and best of luck.

    • Jon

      Reply Reply January 25, 2014

      I’m a guy and I honestly for 10 months have been the one putting all effort into the relationship. My girlfriend gets mad at me, gives an attitude, or freaks out when I haven’t even done anything or she’ll do something worse and laugh at me when I confront her about it but when I do something, it’s the end of the world. She’s tried to break up with me over 9 times but I’ve always fought to stay with her. Idk why, maybe because I just see the good in her but my family is telling me not to deal with it anymore and I honestly am fed up with it. Like I’m so good to her and you ask anyone, even her when she’s not mad, how good I am and they’ll say nothing but good. I hold all my anger and feelings in just to keep her from fighting and stuff. And when she gets just a little mad she just stops caring about me and anything else. I recently explained to her calmly that I can’t accept the treatment she’s giving because I don’t deserve it at all. She somewhat got the message but two days later and tonight it’s back to the same crap so I’m not sure what to do. I love her with all my heart and pour my heart and soul out to her but I just don’t deserve what’s going on. Only so much I can take you know. Someone help, please. I’d say more but I think I’ve said enough

    • Mel

      Reply Reply March 1, 2014

      Keep on calling. Its normal.
      If he likes you calling him.
      Go for it.
      One day just mention it would be great if he calls you.
      Otherwise just keep on calling.

  • tower

    Reply Reply November 10, 2013

    Bravo, Renee!

    The best article I ever read. That’s what I always been convincing my female friends to, but they wouldn’t listen, perceiving me chasing guys(((.

  • Kate

    Reply Reply October 22, 2013

    Renee, you are truly a woman of wisdom! Your articles aren’t like those so called guru’s articles…yours have real content! Thanks for all the great info!

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply October 22, 2013

      Hey Kate, awww! Thank You for reading, it makes me happy to know my work is adding value to your life. XxX

  • Renee's Student

    Reply Reply October 3, 2013

    Renee,

    This is one of the best and funniest articles of yours I have read so far! It is so funny because it is so spot on. I literally laughed tears reading some of the paragraphs. Probably because I could relate to is so much. I know you always talk about how men and women are simply different but this article, for me, made it so clear so absolute as to how truly different we are. Love it! It actually is exciting that we are so different because in the end it is the fuel for Attraction. We just need to learn to embrace it.

  • Banderman

    Reply Reply September 15, 2013

    Rule Number One: American women do not understand American men because they generally don’t put forth the effort to do so; but expect, no demand, men understand and support women and work on the notions 24/7/365. Men are tired, weary, and over the fact that American women have been pontificating about ‘gender equality’ for the last 200 years, and continue to pull the gender card when they don’t get their way, break the law, need a job, or pay for a date. Where is it written that it is ‘manly, or gentlemanly’ for men to always pay for a date; but in the very same sentence hear from women endlessly that ‘we are women, hear us roar, and we can do anything a man can do’? Do it. We dare you.

  • Kris

    Reply Reply September 3, 2013

    First off, I’m a guy. I mostly agree with this read except for a few wording nitpicks that aren’t worth mentioning. Good job! I want to throw in some “masculine” perspective.

    Feminine insecurity is seen as weakness to men. Sorry ladies, if you are insecure with yourself, men know that it won’t be long until you reflect your insecurities on them. Men act interested in your problems and show compassion because they want you to stop complaining and/or they want sex. It is a cold truth but don’t lie to yourself, their re-assurance is an illusion and only true happiness and satisfaction comes from within.

    If you are a woman, you are treated special from the moment you are born and you probably don’t even realize it. Men buy you things, laugh at your unfunny jokes, act interested when they don’t care, only because either guys want sex, to show you off to their guy friends, or because men want positive reinforcement from you in some way.

    Because women are treated so special, women tend to expect things instead of appreciate them, and come off spoiled, childish and constantly unsatisfied to a man, and honestly men are jealous of how women are treated. Since so many woman are constantly unsatisfied, a woman who truly appreciates a guy is EXTREMELY valuable. If you thank them and appreciate them for everything they do constantly, your relationship will stay very strong. This isn’t something that happens overnight, it takes years to gain a man’s trust, as they have probably been unappreciated by most women they have been with in the past. They might say things like “no problem” or “it’s cool” or “anything for you,” but in their head they are thinking, “holy crap I hit the jackpot!”

    Long story short. If you want a guy to always care or at least pretend to care about your feelings and problems, thank them every single day for listening. We are trying the best we can.

    • gloria

      Reply Reply December 13, 2013

      you obviously don’t care about or appreciate women much or ,but please don’t talk like all men are like you! and it is not fault every woman on this earth for your earlier dissapointment in women/relationships.

      and no, women do not want to someone PRETEND to listen to them. and if woman sense man don’t REALLY listen to her and wants just sex, be sure she’ll dump him, if she is real woman and by real I men she have good self esteem and knows her worth!
      and why would she stay with someone like that, when actually there ARE men who are possible to love her and care for her.

      • blogster

        Reply Reply December 29, 2013

        And out comes the shaming language….because he makes a point that is critical of women, he doesn’t like women. Typical female arguing tactic – do you wonder why men cease communicating with women when they can’t even take feedback OBJECTIVELY or talk rationally?

        The guy presents a very valid point. Yes it is harsh, but from men’s experience today, very true. Men today are in a no-win bind – we are constantly told women are equal etc etc. On the other hand, it is deemed essential to constantly prop up and reassure a woman she is secure in the relationship and generally. We are expected to be strong and reassuring. Men however don’t get this luxury. From many men’s experience, there is the realisation that women find this weak, unattractive and they eventually resent and despise you.

        Men realise they need to be MORE than the woman in the relationship. Yet as said, we constantly get told about equality, ‘yougogrrlll!’ etc. So you either accept the man’s lead and internalise that he is more than you in the relationship (and allow him to reassure you when needed), or you actually act equal and stop constantly seeking assurance for insecurity. Congratulations feminism, for creating this Chinese finger trap.

        • Gloria

          Reply Reply January 8, 2014

          what you mean by that, that he is “MORE THAN YOU” ?
          first explain this please!
          in which way, like he is more worthy or what??

      • Zaylie

        Reply Reply July 11, 2014

        I agree Gloria.

  • Donaldo P

    Reply Reply July 30, 2013

    I love this WEBSITE. It is the best thing since apple pie alamode!…Don

  • Don P

    Reply Reply July 30, 2013

    I am a widowed man for almost 3 years (married 44 years to the same woman) and I am now seeing a woman who was never married. I ‘love’ her but she has a problem of showing it back the way I would like to see. She will NOT say ‘I Love You’ over the phone if any of her women friends are with her. I, on the other hand, say it all the time and I care less who hears me!!! This frustrates the heck out of me! I have talked about marriage to her and she refuses to engage in the conversation. One time, she went ballistic on me when I mentioned about marrying her in front of her sister….I want commitment and she apparently does not in a serious way. I get the feeling that she puts me in her group of woman friends and then she allocates ‘X’ time for me, like she does for her women friends. It could be this way because she is Irish and her culture expresses love in a different way. I either have to accept her for who she is or just walk away. I have tried my best!

  • Anna C

    Reply Reply July 9, 2013

    I am wondering this….. Why do guys need so much “guy time” and time with their friends? It seems like my guy is always going out with the guys alone without me and when I make the observation that he never go out he looks at me funny. I wonder if it’s because most of his guy friends hate me. He invited some of them out with me last weekend, and one of the guys commented that it’s the first time he’s ever seen my bf out WITH me… I felt his sentiment. And I felt sad. I love to go out, and I love to go out with him. I’m going to ask him soon why he doesn’t invite me when he goes out with his guy friends. I mean not all the time, but at least some.
    I wish he’d go out with me more.

    Guys: Why do you need so much guy time?

    • Cody

      Reply Reply October 17, 2013

      A woman changes an entire room when she walks in. A room full of guys + one lady is completely different than the room without her.

      Iron sharpens iron. Men need men to call them on their bullshit and to challenge each other to get better. It’s a completely different need than the need to be with a woman.

      I’m the same as your fella. I’m fine to spend my time with the guys and only spend time with my lady separately.

      Double dates are all well and good, but in moderation. I find no value in joining a group of men and women. Generally I have no interest in hanging out with women other than my wife. **** or get off the pot. Women are for dating.

      • gloria

        Reply Reply December 13, 2013

        so you think women are boring? and because of that, good just for fucking???

        • CaliGirl

          Reply Reply January 22, 2014

          Wow. You’re like a rabid ferret. Calm the eff down. I’m embarrassed to share the same gender with such a bitter hag. Go die alone somewhere. That will be your fate if you don’t release your anger. No wonder men are so confused.

          • Susie

            Reply Reply March 8, 2014

            I agree with Gloria. Most men that I’ve met in my life are self centered scumbags.

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