“Isn’t SHE Pretty?” He Said…find out this woman’s story by reading her email below
This is a question from a wonderful reader who is just lovely. If you have some input for her, and if you have anything you want to tell her, it is much appreciated! Please leave your comments on the situation in the comments section below the post.
“Hey Renee, I’ve been a longtime reader and subscriber of your blog and newsletters! I also got the 17 Attraction Triggers and they’ve been a huge help with my confidence. You’re doing a great thing and hope things are going well for you
I have a question. I’m really scared to ask because I don’t want to seem annoying, but it’s something that I’ve had trouble understanding for like…YEARS and I tried other advice that didn’t really help. So it’d be nice if I could fix whatever I’m doing wrong.
So…I’ve been having a hard time understanding why my ex still thinks highly of his ex and trashes me a lot. To give a little background, we’ve known each other since high school (we hung out with the same group of friends).
We lost contact then met again years later and started dating. We lasted for 4 months. Things went fine at first, then stuff got in the way. Eventually he met with an old friend from years ago. He told me she was a good friend. He invited me out with them. Well, when I met her, she was pretty shy and didn’t look me in the eye.
So we get to subway. During that time, he would say how pretty and awesome she was. He had me go out and check to see if they were open. When I came back out they were having a great time. She wasn’t so “shy” then.
So we go in, order, I pay for the stuff. She was hanging onto him and whispering in his ear as he ordered her sandwich. I knew something wasn’t right but because by that time he said I made a big deal out of stuff and that I was crazy and negative all the time (for calling him out on things that got him and me in trouble)… I didn’t want to look that way so I didn’t say anything.
He then had the audacity to ask me, “Isn’t she pretty?” and she was smirking. Then he asked, “Don’t we look alike?” He said they were blood cousins. I knew he wasn’t telling the truth but again I got scared. I didn’t say anything all the way home. He said, “Thanks for making her day.” I don’t recall saying much. I was pretty silent. Come to find out, he was cheating on me with her. And told all my friends how bad of a person I was and saying how wonderful she was.
They aren’t together now but he still thinks highly of her even though she hits on his friends, caused him to get beaten up (because other guys wanted her), and basically lose his friends. So I thought maybe I was just a bad person and so I began to just not say anything that bothered me.
A recent example, I dated this guy. He just got out of a 5 year relationship…2 kids…we hit it off. He still keeps in contact with his ex so he can stay updated on his kids.
Anyway, we hit a snag because I began to get scared that he was still in love with his ex. So I would get insecure and negative especially because he’d bring her up all time. And it wasn’t just about the kids.
It was about how he paid for her nails, her pregnancy, how she was, how she hurt him…all that stuff.
He confirmed my suspicions when I got angry and said he was still in love with his ex. He was silent. That scared me. So I began beating myself up saying I was a loser and just a distraction.
He then deleted and blocked me off facebook. I’m on bad terms with all my exes, except 1. I believe it’s because I’m insecure but I also believe that at times it was for good reason. I get very scared that any guy will leave me and that’s where it comes from. Because that’s all I know.
The minute I have a bad moment I’m gone. The next girl can get away with that and he falls for her more. I just feel like a terrible person.
Sorry about how long this is. I want to change.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> MY ANSWER
You are lovely. You are kind, gentle and non demanding. And no, you are not a bad person and you are not annoying.
Now if you can, answer me this: is that ALL you are?
What if I told you you’re an ass-scratching, money-grabbing, flaming, USER of a bitch?
What if….I told you that you are insensitive and think you’re God’s gift to men? I know. You probably won’t feel as comfortable with that. Which is why I’m saying these things to you.
You need to swing the other way. Go from quiet girl to flaming bitch, somehow. Yes, somehow. But I’ll get to that. And I’m not talking about the principles in ‘Why Men Love Bitches.’ I’m talking about something else.
You know what I used to think? I used to think I should be nice (I never really was nice actually, I’m a giving person, but I’m far from nice, but I still thought I should be nice and thought I was coming across as nice).
The problem is….the WORLD we live in is not always nice. Especially the dating world. We need good knowledge and skills to navigate the dating world. I don’t say this to be negative. I say this because it’s the truth.
We live in a world full of human mammals, barely able to meet their own needs and understand themselves, let alone take care of you or the other people around them. Most people are lost in their own world and have no idea how other people are feeling or how they are affected by their actions.
This doesn’t mean there aren’t amazing people out there who WILL take care of you. There definitely are. But they are not the rule.
Now, 99% of our human DNA is EXACTLY the same as that of Chimpanzees. That 1% of what’s different about us is still large, but the 99% is even larger wouldn’t you agree?
Happier When Other People Think They are Better Than You??
Now, in human mammals, every new interaction and friendship or relationship, very quickly, when two people come together or meet, there’s a subconscious, under-the-radar sussing out going on. You know what that sussing out is? It’s us working out who is going to be the dominant one in the relationship, and who will be the submissive one. Now, this doesn’t mean that you always MAINTAIN these dominant/submissive roles, and we can all sure get past that. But you are not yet past that, which is why I bring this up.
You’re putting yourself in the submissive ‘you’re better than me’ role straight away, and REPETITIVELY. And in your case, it’s a ‘I’m happier when I’m less than you’ submissive role. It’s a ‘I’m happier when I let you control what I think of ME’ submissive role.
See, submissive in this case doesn’t mean you get dominated by a man in bed, it just means, the other person has more influence over you in the interactions than YOU have influence over you. Which is definitely the case in at least MOST of your relationships, and I can tell just by reading your letter to me.
How do I know?
1) because I’ve worked with hundreds of women from across the world with a similar problem;
2) from a number of things you said in your letter. One of them this: “So we go in, order, I pay for the stuff.” Why are you ordering the stuff? Why are you paying for the stuff? I don’t care if they pay you back, the question is why are you in that ROLE? The role of DOING things for a couple of loser- ish doikswotches? (just a random word I made up months ago, hope you don’t mind).
3) You LET a man tell you that you’re the crazy one causing all the troubles. You ALLOW him to speak to you like you are the bad person. You are NOT the bad person, and anyone reading this can tell. (Plus being crazy isn’t so bad…)
It’s SO hard sometimes when you get stuck in a situation, it’s hard to SEE for yourself, what is REALLY going on, unless you have a giving and honest friend, or unless you really stop and step outside your own body and have a good look at yourself. I know, I had to go through this. It’s part of being human.
Listen – if you’re a woman are you’re a feminine woman by nature, you are going to be crazy. At least to men. Because men don’t see the world the way you see the world, and because a masculine man may not get upset where you would, he thinks you’re crazy, but that’s NO reason for him to blame you.
Further – it’s DEIFNITELY no reason for you to LET him control your own thoughts about yourself like that.
If it makes you feel better, I’ve done far crazier things than you describe here. and I’m fine with it. Even if people think I’m the bad person. I’m fine with it. Because I know a woman is not alive if she doesn’t let herself be crazy.
The pushing down of the crazy leads to a dead and unattractive woman. You know, the masculine, rigid women you see walking down the street who can’t smile?
Sometimes, when you suppress it enough, the expression of your frustration becomes pathological and it becomes abusive. And I can’t stand it when women are abusive.
Now, it’s my turn to ask YOU a few questions:
What feels so safe about being the person who goes and gets ‘the stuff’ while they are farting around?
What feels safer about being the submissive and quiet person in this situation?
Something about doing that meets your needs. We need to find out what it is. Or you do.
Now, the women reading this think you’re the nice one in the situation. And I know why; you’re a beautiful soul, you mean no harm and you want to do right and be the GOOD person in a relationship, and I honour you deeply for that and I’m grateful for people like you in the world.
But there’s something else I also know…and that is that, you’re not all that kind and good….as well as being kind and good.
At the end of the day, as nice as you are, as submissive as you are, you’re still doing whatever you can to meet your own needs and to get what you want out of a situation – and this is the way you’ve learned how to do it – by letting others control the way you see yourself.
ONLY, here’s the problem with what you’re doing: it is upsetting you – and it adds no value to the people in your life. You’re becoming the woman people kick around and leave in the dust. But the catch is – you want to be there.
Otherwise you would have changed already. Your statement ‘I want to change’ indicates to me that you KNOW you’re causing your own problems (we are all causing our own problems, mostly), yet the way you wrote ‘I want to change’, is not strong enough!
Saying you ‘want’ to change is like a human being who weighs one tonne about to die, saying ‘I want to get up off this couch’. Near impossible. It’s not in your body, it’s a lazy statement.
You can’t change, unless you decide this and start focusing on this: Being the kind, un-annoying, sweet and wonderful and agreeable person who lets others tell me how I should feel about myself is NO LONGER THE WAY I will met my needs.
Again, you can say that in your HEAD – but it won’t change anything. You need to get OUT there and do something different.
Showing up in Neutral Energy, not Feminine Energy
Here’s what you need to do different: We’ve discussed the first part of your problem. Now to the second part: You’re actually showing up in neutral to masculine energy in your interactions with men.
I can feel that very clearly in the way you write. The reason that doikswotch of an ex boyfriend of yours asked you ‘isn’t she pretty?’ in front of you, is not only because he’s a sick bastard (at least in that moment he is), it’s also because some part of him is trying to scream out “I WANT FEMININE ENERGY!! I’m not attracted to you!” The other girl isn’t prettier.
Even if she is in HIS mind, she may not be in another man’s mind. Now, who cares that he’s not attracted to you? I don’t. And you shouldn’t either, ideally. You don’t want a man like that (or maybe you do).
I’ll assume you don’t, which is why you’re emailing me for help. I’m SO glad you got the 17 Attraction Triggers, they are a great starting point to bringing out more of your feminine energy. And better still that they are helping you feel more confident.
Now for moving away from your neutral energy. You’re not only not showing up as feminine it seems, you’re showing up as very blaze and ‘in the middle’, showing up as more androgynous than feminine or masculine. See my article on what is feminine energy?
Neutral Energy and avoiding being the bad person
You’re being silent and AVOIDING being the bad person. Do you know what happens when we avoid being the bad person? We spend most of our daily physical and mental energy (unknowingly) PUSHING down that darkness inside of us, and it becomes like a disease. There are other feminine, emotional, dark parts of you that are waiting to be expressed.
The Tigress vs the Tortoise
You can’t be a tigress inside and pretend you’re a tortoise. A tigress is young and fertile and expressive and takes what she wants, for her and her cubs. A tortoise is cute but neither cuddly nor particularly non-cuddly. It just is. A slow, aging cute little creature that doesn’t do all that much but hide in its shell when something threatens it.
I’m not sure how you grew up. Maybe you were told ‘children should be seen and not heard’ and took that quite literally. Not every child reacts the same way to being told that.
Maybe you learned that the only way to feel safe and to survive would be to be agreeable and dull yourself. The thing is, feminine energy is not dull. And dullness is not attractive – and the less attractive you show up to be, the less choices in men you will have.
You CAN have any man you want. That’s the truth. But it can’t BE the truth in your reality, when you show up as dull and less than you could be. Your exes were a reflection of you. They were just as fearful as you, and just as untrustworthy as you.
You may be agreeable, but because you weren’t holding your own, you weren’t trustworthy; you weren’t making for the best partner you could be. But here’s the bigger problem? You’re not dull.
You’re waiting to burst inside. So I ask ‘when is now a good time to burst?’ There’s a few ways you could do this:
1) Go around yelling at people. I don’t recommend it. This is abuse, rather than really getting all the ‘stuff’ out.
2) Think back on ALL of those past memories where you’ve felt taken advantage of, dismissed, laughed at or humiliated. They create blockages in your body and in the expression of your feminine energy/feminine flow.
When you go back to them, feel all the pain associated with them and let it come out. If you need to (as we women often do), sit down with a friend and talk about it – even argue about it. Sit down with a family member – when you argue about it, or talk about it, it forces more of the negative blockages out and forces you to cry and splutter and do ALL the things you wish you had done IN THE MOMENT when you felt so hurt by those people in the past (like your ex boyfriends).
3) Identify with the part of you that is the Tigress. A good starting place is to watch Penelope Cruz in ‘Vicki Cristina Barcelona’. She’s what most women sit and admire but are too afraid to be.
You don’t have to stab a man like she did. though I doubt Javier Bardem minded THAT much, he was still speaking highly of her after that incident. But she is an extreme example of feminine energy expressed as it is, with no boundaries.
She may be too extreme for you; I get that. But you need it. You need to go there for a little while, just to CHANGE the physical and biological state you’ve kept yourself in for so many years.
More than anything, you NEED to be uncomfortable. Being submissive and thinking poorly of yourself is comfortable now. It’s your equilibrium. Why not try giving a man your bitch face? Why not try being a bitch to your exes? That could mean ignoring them and moving on.
In fact, to me, that’s not even bitchy. But for many women, ignoring someone is too insensitive. When I say bitchy, I mean, do something that you would normally think is too harsh or too insensitive.
See, your exes might try and take from you, as they have been able to do in the past because you’ve let them.
Your task now is to break that pattern to strongly that you are uncomfortable, even scared. It’s a good thing to be scared and uncomfortable when you do this, it means change is starting to happen.
4) learn more about feminine vulnerability. This is something I’ve discussed in my free newsletter, so go back to some old emails, read some of my posts, or you can learn about it in my programs Understanding Men or Commitment Control.
When you’re ready, why not join us in commitment control?
There is a wealth of information, and many, many more answers to dark and light feminine energy in there. There is also a lot on getting men to take care of you and commit to you. We also teach you more about showing up in your feminine vulnerability and encouraging a deep devotion and commitment from almost any man.That’s why we created the program, because my man and I hate to see women staying with crappy men for all the wrong reasons. Here it is: http://commitment-control.com/
Do you have something to say to Kylie? If you do, it may be a great help! Let us know your advice and thoughts in the comments section below. Your thoughts may help many women reading this. Xx