Learn how other women in your life ruin your happiness with a man
I’m sitting here on my couch in my new house on a Wednesday evening, with the fan blowing in my face and a little baby kicking away in my belly. As I sit here after an interesting experience I had today, I felt the need to write to you about something that is very important for you to understand as a woman.
And that thing to understand is the danger of other women influencing you.
Does that sound dramatic?
Well, that’s because it is. Other women can effectively destroy your relationship with men, or any man.
I can’t tell you just how POWERFUL an influence other women’s talking, other women’s opinions and other women’s thinking has over you. It’s a drug!! Women have been influencing each other for YEARS, millennia in fact, on their views on men, with their complaining and their misunderstanding of men.
Gossip can be a good thing, it actually serves a good purpose among humans, but the bad effects of gossip are just as intense as the good effects of gossip.
One woman complaining about men at a Sunday brunch catch up can bring down the rest of the women at the table, and potentially the other women’s relationships and marriages with their man.
I’m telling you now: what other women say with you in their proximity affects you, affects how you act, whether you like it or not.
And when you spend a lot of time with single women, chances are, you’ll stay single because of that. We become who we spend our time with.
We also adopt the habits and judgements of those we spend our time with. It happens subconsciously without you being aware of it.
You know what I’ve learned? It’s funny, people talk about how men are this and men are that, and how men are jerks, but through my own conscious appreciation and compassion towards the male species, I’ve come to learn that your relationship with the MEN in your life makes all the difference in the quality of your life.
Honestly, without the men in my life, the quality of my life wouldn’t even be 10% of what it is now.
Men can make your life more comfortable….they can support you, worship you, do things for you that you can’t even imagine. And even worse….you haven’t really been allowed to imagine, because other women around you have probably talked your ear off with a bunch of garbage about men, Gosh I hate that!
Honestly, the majority of advice your girlfriends give you about men is coming from a place of ignorance about men.
If you understand men, you have less stress, and more men around you to come to your assistance. It’s not even about quantity though! ONE man can rock your world, and make your life blissful beyond measure.
The Key to Mastering Relationships With Men
The key to mastering men is this: knowing that your fears are the very thing that rob you off the security and passion you want with a man.
That’s right. I’ve learned that our female fears (fear of abandonment, fear of being cheated on, fear of men having bad intentions) robs us of the very thing that we wish we had.
I’ll give you a little example of what I mean.
My husband and I just moved house…and my husband is super busy working, moving 95% of all the old belongings from the old house to the new house, planning more things for us for Valentine’s Day (which is tomorrow, at the time I’m writing this letter to you), and getting the new furniture we need.
He needed me to make a call regarding our old gas account. Of course, we have no phone connection at the new place yet so I had to go to his mum’s place to make the call.
I love my husband’s mother, she’s adorable and very helpful. There is one thing though: she doesn’t understand men. A familiar story, even among the kindest and most wonderful women of the world.
Here’s what happened: I text her to make sure it’s ok I go over to make the call, and she greets me happily. I walk in, and after our initial chat she says:
“Why doesn’t David make the call?”
I inform her: “he’s extremely busy today, doing a million different things.” (mind you, he tried calling yesterday but they must speak to me because the account was under MY name!)
She says: “I don’t think he’s busy. He’s always playing golf.”
I say: “huh?”
Just don’t get Sucked in to your own BS…
And in the last 2 years, I made a conscious decision not to get sucked in to my own BS anymore. I’m sick and tired of my own BS fears and all the hard-wired anxiety that sometimes comes with being a woman. So I made a decision that I wasn’t going to get sucked in to my own BS. In other words; I won’t get sucked in to my fears, as much as I can consciously do so.
So, after she said it, I stood there and watched my own thought process happen unconsciously.
I knew what she said was not only grossly untrue and irrational. What she said was a reflection of her own frustrations with not feeling listened to and understood (not just by the men in her life), but by the women in her life.
So I watched my own inner talk that came up as a reaction to her talk about my husband…
Here’s what it said:
“Oh. She thinks he’s not busy? She’s implying that he’s lazy! OMG what if he really is lazy and I haven’t known about this?”
Then I went back to real-life logic: first of all, lazy is the last thing my husband is. His drive and ambition is exactly the thing that drew me to him. Without him, I wouldn’t have the life I have today.
My husband just moved an entire house by himself. He stays up at night to help me sleep, he right now is out getting me a new internet USB stick and buying me a Valentine’s day present. Not to mention taking care of customer needs and dealing with his own business.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I even doubt the only person in my life who has never given me reason to doubt him?
The Joke is on You…
Then I realised: the joke.
It’s The Joke.
The Joke that the female brain plays. No matter what you do as a woman, no matter how GREAT your man is, your own feminine mind always has its criticisms, fears, and you always seem to have reason to doubt a man. It’s constantly succumbing to these fears that makes your life miserable.
I got sick of it. I don’t know if you can relate to this.
I think it’s important to acknowledge that the fears and worries are there: our creator put them there, to help us survive.
And, get THIS: The MORE women criticise, the LESS happy they seem in men’s eyes.
The LESS happy a woman is, the more stressed men get. The more stressed men get, the more likely they are to try and fix the problem for the woman.
In a way, nature has made men unconscious slaves to female happiness.
But don’t be too quick to run out and manipulate this tendency in men: they can only take so much. Isn’t it the same with you?
It’s simple human nature. It’s as simple as 1 + 1 = 2.
If a man is constantly stressed around you, he feels bad around you. The more he feels BAD around you, the more he associates the bad feeling with YOU, and with being with YOU.
The Temptation of other Women around Him (that doesn’t have to be a reality in your life)
Very soon, the little blonde secretary at work seems kinda tempting, after all – she seems so BUBBLY!!
Very soon, that tall brunette who seems so relaxed seems like a warm and welcome relief from the unhappy woman at home.
Very soon, that voluptuous redhead seems like the answer to all his stresses.
Very soon…any other woman’s smile seems far more valuable than the complaining, unhappy, unenergetic girlfriend.
See the bleak picture?
Wouldn’t you feel dissatisfied too, if you were with a man who had no time for you and seemed to ignore your needs and refuse to understand YOU?
Other Women’s Misery LOVES Your Company…
So I stood there, listening to my inner thoughts. And realised what I truly wanted: Misery loves company. Do I REALLY want to share in my husband’s mother’s fears about men? She is not successful with men herself.
I on the other hand, have a devotional man in my life.
I want to warn you: other women WILL hate you for having compassion towards men. Because you’re not feeding their own misery!
Some tribes of women in this world love to get together to complain! (See my article on jealous women)
My advice to you is: don’t get SUCKED IN to other women’s fear about men!
Other women’s talk and gossip is powerful, like a drug. It can make or break your relationships with men.
Not all men are Great (obviously)
YES. Some men don’t want the best for you. But I don’t believe you’re THAT stupid, to not know when a man really does have bad intentions for you. You may ignore it, and make bad decisions sometimes, but you are definitely not stupid.
Looking for Evidence that a Man Cares…
If a man cares and you can find evidence of it (make sure you look for that evidence when you’re in good spirits, looking for ‘evidence’ that a man cares when you’re depressed never works because you’re wearing your depression glasses and that clouds the truth).
If you can find honest evidence that a man cares, you are NOT losing out!
Most of the time, if a man is dating you, he’s probably doing his best to love you and show his love for you. Remember that your rules for love and not the same as a man’s rules for love. Judging a man’s care and love for you by your own ruler is dangerous.
But the truth is that men need YOU. You have to train him to feel good with you by doing one thing:
VALUING HIM MORE THAN YOU VALUE YOUR FEARS.
That’s right, you have to value a man MORE than you value your fears.
And those fears include everything from: fearing that he doesn’t love you, fearing that he is in love with someone else, and many more.
The reward you can potentially get for doing this is extraordinary. You can have a man be so inspired by being with you that he turns himself from being a couch potato in to a millionaire.
It’s SO funny. I remember a bitter woman (who used to be in my life) who used to say to me in her frustrated state: “AT LEAST YOU HAVE DAVID IN YOUR LIFE!!”
I used to say to her, which annoyed her even more: “I love David. I always have. I actually truly love this man. I loved him when he drove a 1988 Magna that took more pisses than my 6 month old pug. Even when it blew up on the freeway and smoked and put my life at risk. I loved him when he was so embarrassed about making no money and not being able to provide for me that he considered breaking up with me. I loved him when nearly every woman in my “family” told me I needed someone better. I loved him when other women used to roll their eyes at him. I will STILL love him even if he makes the worst decision in the world and leaves us with nothing (which he wouldn’t, because he’s not all about himself), but I’d love him and support him anyway if he did.
I loved him when he wore $5 jeans from Target and $2 runners that were about 8 years old.
I loved him when other women criticized him.”
In other words, I EARNED my relationship.
I used to get a blank look from her. She didn’t want to hear that.
It’s like people saying to a successful woman: “oh you’re so lucky. You make a lot of money.”
Well, VERY LITTLE money is made by accident.
Even if you win the lottery, you still deliberately bought the lottery ticket.
You didn’t EARN the lottery win, but you didn’t win it by accident.
The same goes for loving, lasting and passionate relationships. It’s not a luck pot that got dropped on that woman’s doortep. She’s almost ALWAYS doing something that the so called ‘unclucky’ woman is NOT doing.
The difference between the woman with the sparkling ring on her finger and the woman who is pouting and resentful that she doesn’t have the sparkly ring is Understanding Men.
As a member of my course Understanding Men, said in her feedback today:
“You may find a lot of your secret hopes about men confirmed and your worst fears disconfirmed.”
So if I could make a suggestion to you, and you would allow me to, I’d appreciate the opportunity to do so.
Make THIS your Standard…
Make it a standard in your life to understand that your criticisms of men are the very thing stopping you from having the love that you want. They are there to fool you out of a blissful life. What used to work for your female ancestors to get men back to them and providing for them millions of years ago, no longer works.
We are a more evolved society now. What works is POSITIVE reinforcement.
Not criticism, not your fears, and not withholding your smiles, your energy, you girliness and your approval.
In fact, I suggest practicing approving of men when you don’t want to approve.
Say a man you like makes a stupid joke to get your attention. If you are actually interested in him, try feeling the pleasure in having him try to win you over with a joke rather than seeing the failure in the “un-funny-ness’ of the joke.
Men Are from the Stupid Factory…
Look, as my husband says: men are made at the Stupid Factory.
In fact, one day I remember him being in a lingerie shop with me, and he made a joke at the checkout and the ladies behind the counter laughed so hard, and asked me: “where do you find a man like that?!” and he interjected by saying: “at the Stupid Factory.” They thought it was gold.
It IS funny, that he says men are made at the stupid factory. But it also has a real truth in it. Men are stupid. Women are crazy. It’s cliche, but there’s a truth in it. I’m ok with being crazy some of the time and I’m ok with my man being stupid some of the time.
If I let myself get sucked in to the idea of perfection, I’M the one who suffers. And when I suffer, so does everyone else around me. And why would I want to perpetuate the suffering of my family and friends?
EXPECT men to do dumb things. Love them anyway. Melt their fear of failure with your willingness to overlook his imperfections. Let them make a mistake in front of you and you smile or have a giggle about it. And watch him stare at you in amazement, as if he’s never seen this breed of woman before. I can almost guarantee you, most men haven’t met this breed of woman before.
The annoying women in a man’s life usually starts with his mother not trusting him. Then a man moves in succession on to the next woman in his life, who also doesn’t fully trust him. Not just that he won’t cheat on her; but HIM. Trusting HIM.
And if you see him making a mistake, you can give him HONEST feedback, which he might appreciate. But don’t criticize or say something like: “omg you fool.” or “you idiot.”
Do you really actually ENJOY emasculating men for your own selfish satisfaction?
Or would you rather be an ocean of feminine power that fuels a man and makes him more?
By the way, I don’t advise you not to say those words of criticism so you can avoid hurting him. Not at all. I’m advising you to do this because when you stop being critical like that; YOU are happier! You’re not getting sucked in to your own fears anymore! And you’ll start to feel more feminine, more happy, more free, more powerful, and more open.
There’s a lot more power that you have with men that you don’t know yet. (See article on understanding men the 5 insights)
Do you think getting the right man for you to be faithful to you is hard? Impossible? It’s not.
In fact, I share the route to getting total faithfulness from a man in my Understanding Men Program here, if you are interested:
Do you think that if a man says he won’t commit, that he actually MEANS that? He doesn’t always mean it, and the only person to override that fear he has of commitment is you. Nobody else.
Do you think that just because other women have made you feel bad about the way you look or the way you act in the past, that MEN judge you the same way? Not at all. You can be attractive whenever you want, and have ANYTHING you want; all you do is have to make a choice.
Make it your standard to value LOVE, more than your fears, if you are single.
If anything, for a whole 60 days, just notice your own fears talking, and bring out that courage inside yourself to walk in the opposite direction to those fears. That fear is animal hard-wiring you don’t need anymore. It’ll serve the purpose when its relevant, which it is not, most of the time.
If you can comprehend even ONE thing I’ve said here, I trust that you are also smart enough to actually KNOW when your fears are worthy of being listened to. You’re not that stupid. Trust yourself to tell the difference.
Some men aren’t worthy of your time, and that’s ok. It’s ok to move on from him. But it’s also ok to stay with a man who cares, but seems to be doing everything wrong at this point, if you are willing to do your part.