What to Do If He Takes You for Granted…

What to Do If He Takes You for Granted

My question to you is this: is it true that your boyfriend or husband takes you for granted and only makes time for you when it suits him? Or is it that it’s too easy for you to feel like you are not special? (Click here to get your “Goddess Report”)

In other words; are you making up the story that he only fits you in when it’s convenient for him, in your head?

Here’s why I ask: feminine women seek attention; we thrive on it and we need it to feel feminine (many women will sell their souls for some attention from men) – BUT it’s not always beneficial for women to seek it out because it’s a dead end trap; most attention is cheap and short-lived. It can come and go as fast as it comes.

So maybe the truth is that YOU have a RULE about how much attention you OUGHT to receive in order to feel loved?

And, that is very dangerous. To you. The more rules you have for how you feel loved, the less love you will find.

How many people are you going to let go of because you are more like a 10 year old girl in a relationship who stomps her feet in fear when a man appears to actually have a life outside of you? (Why can’t I be loved for who I am?)

And how long are you going to pretend that you cannot already exist AS love, radiating love and warmth, WHENEVER you choose to, and not have your happiness dependent upon how much attention other people can give you?

Here’s the truth: Maybe, you have more spare time than he does. Maybe, you get bored more easily. Maybe he is more active than you are and enjoys always doing things and you’re more of a home body.

Here’s a fundamental truth about men: they don’t have that much attention to give you. And if you want him to give you attention, you need to train him to do that by positively reinforcing him when he does give you attention.

Eg: he FINALLY calls you – what you DON’T do is say: “OMG, FINALLY you call.” This is a major downer for him to hear/feel from you.

He doesn’t notice the time; he’s busy, he’s working, he’s focused, he’s being a man; all those things that actually cause you to be attracted to him. Remind yourself of that.

I’m here to suggest something important to you: that you actually just want a man who is truly PRESENT with you. Who is intensely masculine, who owns himself and gives you deep attention, not cheap attention. But to GET that, guess what? You must be the other half of the equation. This kind of quality presence from a man demands a high quality and highly evolved kind of feminine energy (the type where you choose to exist as love even when you feel UNloved).

Would you agree?

If it really IS true…

There’s another side to this problem. Maybe a man really IS only letting you in his life when it suits him. It happens, and it happens a lot, to a lot of women. It’s happened in my own life. As I’ve said before, sometimes, we really are somebody else’s back-up option.

But  this is usually obvious; because usually what happens is he keeps other women around, talks, calls and texts other women, you guys break up and when those women are off the radar, he asks for you back, and you go back – sometimes because secretly, you don’t feel that you have many other options (You DO).

I wanted to ask; do you really believe that he is only making time for you when it suits him?

If you do, and you STILL want to be with him – then it’s time to make him feel a sense of loss. This is not selfish, it’s something you have to do with everyone in your life. Friends, relatives, co-workers…we are ANIMALS….we are going to take things for granted, not because we are bad people, but because someone up there, or evolution (whatever you believe in), made us that way.

It’s our own responsibility to train others to value us. We are not babies, we are responsible adults, aware and conscious of our own relationships and aware of our own ability to SHAPE our relationships and teach others to value us. (Click here to take the quiz on “How High Value High Status am I on Facebook?”)

On the odd occasion in life, we might find someone who is evolved enough to not take us for granted, and actually values the idea of not allowing him or herself to take you for granted. These people are rarer than rare. I’ve only met one; my husband. But my boyfriends before him were not that way.

How do you make a man feel a sense of loss?

You stop being desperate for his attention, and fill up your need for attention elsewhere.

That’s the first step.

The next step is to NOT respond when he “comes back” out of convenience. Make him work for what you guys have together.

People WILL come back to you if you are/were High Value enough in the first place. If you added enough value to their lives, they will fight for you. They will feel loss. It’s natural and it’s human nature. 

NOTE: I didn’t say” DON’T RESPOND. I also didn’t say REJECT HIM. I said: don’t respond WHEN he comes back out of convenience. When is he coming back out of convenience? How would you know? You may not know to start off with; but you will learn through life experience and through having the courage to be present with your own thoughts and actually looking at the situation objectively, putting all anger aside.

Look; there’s a difference between doing this from a nasty, malicious place. I am well aware that 90% of women who read this dating advice will jump up and down and go ‘yay!!” and think this is PAYBACK and ignore that man out of a feeling of payback for the terrible feelings they feel about not being put first.

I don’t intend this advice for those women.

I intend it for you.

Do it because you KNOW something about human beings; that we will, from time to time, accidentally take people for granted, we will get self involved, that men might do that to you. and just like the mammals that we are, we need to be pulled in to line by a well-meaning lover, or friend who cares enough to preserve the value of the relationship by not being available when the other person is contacting us out of convenience.

This is what I would want my own friends to do. Indeed, my man does it for me, and I respect that.

The final part of the puzzle is: are you courageous enough to actually train others in what it feels like to lose you?

Because many of us aren’t. We fear we don’t have other options, if we were to be too unavailable for one particular person. We fear that they would hate us and leave us. Well, sometimes, they’re going to hate us. Again, we are animals. We’re not logical, ever-so-perfect mammals. Anyone can hate you whenever they want, without notice. Even you hate yourself sometimes, don’t you? But you are not dying from it are you?

If you’re not, then why not give this a go?

If you want to get a better understanding of how to understand men, click here to check out our Understanding Men Program. Or check out the rest of our programs by clicking this link. 

Have you ever done this with a man you were dating? Maybe you’ve done it to a friend? Have you got any reminders/tips for other women on how to do this with dignity and self respect? 

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64 Comments

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  • Nora

    Reply Reply October 8, 2014

    Renee can you elaborate more on how exactly to make him feel this sense of loss? I am confused: you say don’t respond “when” he comes back out of convenience. I can totally see what you are saying, I am just not sure how to carry it out literally. If I don’t respond then isn’t that ignoring him? I am not sure how to talk to him if I am not supposed to reject or ignore him but I am supposed to “not respond” Could you give examples of dialogue?

  • Martha

    Reply Reply September 27, 2014

    Hi Rene,
    I never listened to any type of relationship advise when I was younger because I thought my romantic life was so unique that no one could know better. My two long term relationships with younger men not only left me older and lonely, but very confused and still ignorant regarding relationships. The first time I felt frightened about love was when I accepted that I didn’t know how to keep in my life someone I love so much… not only I didn’t know but I helped pushing the relationship its unavoidable end… I was in the middle of my last crisis when I read that there was hope for making my ex to come back. That was originally my interest on your emails.
    I still read all your emails and I thank you so much for educating me about what to learn about myself and how to re gain my integrity as a woman… how to love myself and what to trigger in me to nourish it… and… how to understand what the man in my life are, how they differ from me and what to do to keep him in my life … not only forever, but forever in love with only me.

    I don’t regret my past relationships. I still love them both in a different way but now I am searching for a man near my age and i read your emails to learn more about what to do and what not to do to retain a man I really like. I can still get a little revelious when I think it should be the other way around but when I think about the difference in numbers like the fact that there are less and less good and real men left not only because women outnumber men but because men marry or turn gay … and that besides facing that much younger in age are the woman I am competing with for the same type of man – I am 51- There is any space left to question that I am happy you are there for woman like me I can learn from. I don’t take for granted that you are doing most of the work. I am only just here slowly preparing for the love of my life and I am planning on keeping him forever in love only with me just like you do with your husband. I appreciate you so much for all your help Rene. Thank you.
    Martha J.

  • FunnyMe

    Reply Reply August 11, 2014

    Oh man.. this article hits the spot. I met a man almost a year ago and we started dating. Everything was great and moving along at what I thought was a serious relationship pace. I was wrong. I started noticing that he would be texting all of the time and would check his phone a lot. My first instinct is that he was seeing someone else. But why would he check in front of me? He is VERY career driven and cannot seem to stop thinking about work even when we are together trying to watch a movie. We broke up 6 months later because he said he didn’t have time to give to me. He also was planning his future and moving out of state for a year in the next 6 months and he didn’t want to do a long distance relationship etc. I was devastated and I still am to a certain extent. He wanted to be friends and I decided no, that I needed space and time to get over him. 3 months down the road he contacts me numerous times and I finally respond. He is apologetic and hates the way we ended because I mean so much to him BUT he doesn’t ask to get back together. Instead we try to be friends again. NOTHING has changed between us. We went back to hanging out and doing things that we used to EXCEPT there is nothing sexual happened between us. People think we are back together and I got so used to hanging out with him that I didn’t think of the ramifications to my own personal life. He just moved out of state in which I helped him move and now I have radio silence for 4 days. I know this isn’t a lot but when we had been hanging out every day and texting/talking every day to nothing it seems a little like I am a friend/faux girlfriend out of convenience. I can’t seem to let him go because he has emotional issues that i choose to not discuss here that have me wanting to not put too much pressure on him BUT I also need to let this go. I KNOW he will text me. Probably about his day and how he is doing and he won’t even realize how his silence has affected me. I have not reached out to him and I won’t , but when he does reach out to me I am unsure of how to act. We were just friends at the end, but I wanted more and I am fearful that if I stay just a friend to him that he will continue to keep me as just that. I will miss him more than you know, but I need to move on with my life. I don’t know how to respond. I don’t want to ignore him but I also don’t want to encourage him either. Help!

    • Anita

      Reply Reply August 26, 2014

      Honey if he’s not ready for a serious relationship right now, I guess all you can do is decide if you love him enough to wait for the long haul.
      If not, like you said, it hurts you to be with him when the situation makes you feel a convenience. I’d say in this case use Renee’s advice and find a way to be a giver and not a pleaser.

    • Ali

      Reply Reply August 31, 2014

      If your parents were both 6s, your mother could have spent her 20s hooking up with 8s – but your father couldn’t have. Young women days often do that these days. However, when these women reach their late 20s / 30s they will have to drop back down to dating 6s if they want to secure commitment. This process is difficult to accept because after 10 years of hooking-up with 8s she will have to realize that in fact she was only a 6 the whole time (the same applies for 5s hooking up with 7s, 4s with 6s etc). Truly hypergamous women never realize/accept it and so they keep getting dumped, or stay single.

      Women in their 20s often have a vastly overrated sense of their value and think that male 8’s are in their league when the women are only 6’s or 7’s.
      That’s the hardest lesson for women to learn, that they can get sex with men that don’t love them that much, that aren’t into them, that will even stick around for a steady supply of sex and companionship for a couple years, but these men don’t love them deeply and sure as hell never intend on marrying them (though complacently sliding into marriage or kids does often happen).

      Basically it’s quite hard to find a man who’s really into a woman and that the woman is really into. I think probably half of women are fairly hypergamous (meaning they only feel strong attraction and romantic love if they guy is of somewhat higher value or better) and these women are going to struggle because their minimum threshold is too high.

  • pawni gupta

    Reply Reply July 23, 2014

    Its been couples of month…. I m being ignored a lot… Bt now i realise dat m over reacting…. He still dsnt cal me daily bt tym to tym hv cntct wid me nd meets me…
    Thanku for making me feel nrml nd back again :)

  • mcharm

    Reply Reply July 22, 2014

    Hi Renee,

    I thought at first I would join your courses, to get my ex back, but the more I read your findings, the more I realize that this is about getting back me, and finding the High Value Woman inside of me. If my ex comes back it is not through my desperate attempts at getting him back as I was doing before, but because he wants to be back. It is confusing him, my new behaviour of being nice to him, fun but not expecting anything or any love. Before everytime I saw him, I would be expressing myself to the bone, now I say hi, be nice and leave where he is. It is a wonderful feeling and I thank you.

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