What to Do If He Takes You for Granted…

he Takes me for Granted

My question to you is this: is it true that your boyfriend or husband takes you for granted and only makes time for you when it suits him? Or is it that it’s too easy for you to feel like you are not special?

In other words; are you making up the story that he only fits you in when it’s convenient for him, in your head?

Here’s why I ask: feminine women seek attention; we thrive on it and we need it to feel feminine (many women will sell their souls for some attention from men) – BUT it’s not always beneficial for women to seek it out because it’s a dead end trap; most attention is cheap and short-lived. It can come and go as fast as it comes.

So maybe the truth is that YOU have a RULE about how much attention you OUGHT to receive in order to feel loved?

And, that is very dangerous. To you. The more rules you have for how you feel loved, the less love you will find.

How many people are you going to let go of because you are more like a 10 year old girl in a relationship who stomps her feet in fear when a man appears to actually have a life outside of you? (Why can’t I be loved for who I am?)

And how long are you going to pretend that you cannot already exist AS love, radiating love and warmth, WHENEVER you choose to, and not have your happiness dependent upon how much attention other people can give you?

Here’s the truth: Maybe, you have more spare time than he does. Maybe, you get bored more easily. Maybe he is more active than you are and enjoys always doing things and you’re more of a home body.

Here’s a fundamental truth about men: they don’t have that much attention to give you. And if you want him to give you attention, you need to train him to do that by positively reinforcing him when he does give you attention.

Eg: he FINALLY calls you – what you DON’T do is say: “OMG, FINALLY you call.” This is a major downer for him to hear/feel from you.

He doesn’t notice the time; he’s busy, he’s working, he’s focused, he’s being a man; all those things that actually cause you to be attracted to him. Remind yourself of that.

I’m here to suggest something important to you: that you actually just want a man who is truly PRESENT with you. Who is intensely masculine, who owns himself and gives you deep attention, not cheap attention. But to GET that, guess what? You must be the other half of the equation. This kind of quality presence from a man demands a high quality and highly evolved kind of feminine energy (the type where you choose to exist as love even when you feel UNloved).

Would you agree?

If it really IS true…

There’s another side to this problem. Maybe a man really IS only letting you in his life when it suits him. It happens, and it happens a lot, to a lot of women. It’s happened in my own life. As I’ve said before, sometimes, we really are somebody else’s back-up option.

But  this is usually obvious; because usually what happens is he keeps other women around, talks, calls and texts other women, you guys break up and when those women are off the radar, he asks for you back, and you go back – sometimes because secretly, you don’t feel that you have many other options (You DO).

I wanted to ask; do you really believe that he is only making time for you when it suits him?

If you do, and you STILL want to be with him – then it’s time to make him feel a sense of loss. This is not selfish, it’s something you have to do with everyone in your life. Friends, relatives, co-workers…we are ANIMALS….we are going to take things for granted, not because we are bad people, but because someone up there, or evolution (whatever you believe in), made us that way.

It’s our own responsibility to train others to value us. We are not babies, we are responsible adults, aware and conscious of our own relationships and aware of our own ability to SHAPE our relationships and teach others to value us.

On the odd occasion in life, we might find someone who is evolved enough to not take us for granted, and actually values the idea of not allowing him or herself to take you for granted. These people are rarer than rare. I’ve only met one; my husband. But my boyfriends before him were not that way.

How do you make a man feel a sense of loss?

You stop being desperate for his attention, and fill up your need for attention elsewhere.

That’s the first step.

The next step is to NOT respond when he “comes back” out of convenience. Make him work for what you guys have together.

People WILL come back to you if you are/were High Value enough in the first place. If you added enough value to their lives, they will fight for you. They will feel loss. It’s natural and it’s human nature. 

NOTE: I didn’t say” DON’T RESPOND. I also didn’t say REJECT HIM. I said: don’t respond WHEN he comes back out of convenience. When is he coming back out of convenience? How would you know? You may not know to start off with; but you will learn through life experience and through having the courage to be present with your own thoughts and actually looking at the situation objectively, putting all anger aside.

Look; there’s a difference between doing this from a nasty, malicious place. I am well aware that 90% of women who read this dating advice will jump up and down and go ‘yay!!” and think this is PAYBACK and ignore that man out of a feeling of payback for the terrible feelings they feel about not being put first.

I don’t intend this advice for those women.

I intend it for you.

Do it because you KNOW something about human beings; that we will, from time to time, accidentally take people for granted, we will get self involved, that men might do that to you. and just like the mammals that we are, we need to be pulled in to line by a well-meaning lover, or friend who cares enough to preserve the value of the relationship by not being available when the other person is contacting us out of convenience.

This is what I would want my own friends to do. Indeed, my man does it for me, and I respect that.

The final part of the puzzle is: are you courageous enough to actually train others in what it feels like to lose you?

Because many of us aren’t. We fear we don’t have other options, if we were to be too unavailable for one particular person. We fear that they would hate us and leave us. Well, sometimes, they’re going to hate us. Again, we are animals. We’re not logical, ever-so-perfect mammals. Anyone can hate you whenever they want, without notice. Even you hate yourself sometimes, don’t you? But you are not dying from it are you?

If you’re not, then why not give this a go?

See my article on what if your man wants a causal relationship?

Have you ever done this with a man you were dating? Maybe you’ve done it to a friend? Have you got any reminders/tips for other women on how to do this with dignity and self respect? 

Renee the feminine woman

51 Comments

  • Bella

    Reply Reply March 11, 2014

    I’m at a totally different situation.. I was married for 10 years before I got divorced. It has been 2 yrs since then and dated guys and recently met an amazing, great man. He is 26 and I’m 30. He has accepted I have 3 wonderful kids as he also has 2 of his own. Things were going great but a bit too fast. We started seeing eachother from weekends to 3-4 times per week to almost everyday. I was so emotionally and physically attached to him and he complains he doesn’t see me much. I recently started feeling like I’m suffocating. Although, I love his company, I want to feel like I miss him but he doesn’t let me miss him. I do enjoy his company but want that time for myself too. As much as I love attention, I never thought I’d get to the point where my boyfriend is “too clingy” to me. I’m not ready to move in with him but also definitely don’t want to let him go either. I guess what I’m trying to let you girls know that this is how men feel as well. Give them their space, you don’t want to hurdle them otherwise they will feel suffocated and eventually reject you.

  • zaheera

    Reply Reply March 5, 2014

    Му boyfriend °̩ really love him his like the first guy °̩ love so much,its impossible to forget him no matter how hard °̩ try, he likes girls with short dresses their pics he have noo time for me °̩ understand his workn but αη∂ gym nd play sports but he has time for all of that but me °̩ really ∂σηт know how to explain how °̩ feel.

  • Maddy

    Reply Reply December 22, 2013

    Thank you so much renee for this article. It came in my email inbox just at the right time as I am starting to feel like the man I am dating is ‘slacking off’ as in he doesn’t contact me as much and I’m always initiating contact and plans.
    I have a question about when you say to not respond when he contacts out of convenience. Do you mean if he texts me, don’t reply till hours later? Or not reply for a couple of days?

    • Abi Jaiy

      Reply Reply January 2, 2014

      Less is more.
      Dont reply to him after a day.
      You are always making the calls, the texts and plans, after a day.
      And when you text less is more, dont text essays save that for when you are together

  • Diana

    Reply Reply December 11, 2013

    I have something to share. Last year around Thanksgiving I met a man whom was THE alpha, very career oriented, very confident… Etc. We dated for 8 months. He very much took me for granted. I always felt I “fought” him to give me what I needed. He would give to me by taking me out, impressing me but i was empty inside and felt lonely. He was selfish and took without giving. Though many of his qualities attracted me (manliness, strength, his determination and many more), I walked away. I was so proud! Granted, by that time I realized I deserved more and wasn’t afraid to go look for it. Though he agreed to the break up, he was shocked.
    I dated someone else for 5 months. Complete opposite of my alpha ex but he didn’t take me for granted. Still, at times I wished he was more like the ex at times. It didn’t work out. I couldn’t imagine spending my life with him.
    Well alpha ex and I got back in touch. It was supposed to be a friendly catch up (in my mind) but he immediately started to make all the wrongs right. He he apologized profusely for taking me for granted. He told me I was the best woman he’s ever dated. He said during our time apart, he’d sit there and think about how good he had it but pushed me away. He has said things to me that are shocking because he’s never opened up to me like this. He holds me, tells me he’s missed me, kisses me, rubs my feet, tells me that he will show me how much he appreciates me. I’m very happy. The best thing is, I feel he is sincere. I have peace and I feel like a million bucks. We both agreed to start over and HE brought up committment to me, HE brought up wanting a serious relationship this time possibly more, HE brought up meeting each others families, HE brought up how from the moment he saw me again, HE had to have me back. I don’t have to fight him.
    I’m all for walking away. I didn’t know I’d be back with him of course, but I knew that I needed to make a statement. I had given him enough without receiving so I had done my part. Now here we are months later (around same time we met last year!!) on the same page. I’m not sure where this will go but I’m enjoying my alpha strong man worshipping me. He’s still him but with a hint of warmth and a sparkle in his eyes.

    • Madam

      Reply Reply January 6, 2014

      I just walked away from mine. I broke up with him a month ago, but I don’t think he took me seriously because we have been through this before. He would call text etc but not to make things right, just to make small talk. Then I found out he has another relationship on FB with some girl that lives in another country. He went to visit her and she posted pictures of them on FB! That same day he sent me a text asking if he could watch a movie on my amazon account. I was like seriously? NO! I told him to ask his new girlfriend which he denied profusely! Then I called him a fing liar and an ahole. He called me bitter and a psycho (shrug) anyway I blocked his contacts. We have been at this for 5 years! OFF and ON. OFF and ON. I had to put a stop to the maddness. No guts no glory. If he does show up again he is not just going to walk into my life. Right now I feel like I dont want him but it may be because I am still angry.
      I’m glad it worked out for you :)

    • Wendy

      Reply Reply January 10, 2014

      Thank you so much for sharing your story Diana! It sounds divine. I am in a situation now, it’s actually become toxic for me. Many times I cannot believe I am in this sort of situation. I own up to my responsibility in that I continually leave and come back…he has no respect for me and just takes all that I give…my bad!

      Being the never-ending romantic and having an Alpha male of my own, your advice is exactly what I needed. I’m following through and will let you know how it turns out.

      Cheers to you and your guy with the hint of warmth and sparkle in his eye added on!

    • Diana

      Reply Reply March 26, 2014

      Well my alpha guy and I are still going strong. He was offered a new job 4.5 hrs away and asked me to move with him. Again, this was the guy who didn’t want to talk about 3-4 months ahead when I dated him the first time around! I accepted and he’s gotten us a house. I’m so excited and still in shock this is the same guy. He’s been away for 2 weeks for training and he calls me 4-5 times a day. I used to be lucky if he called every other day before. I’m still 100% sure that our break up was the best thing. I couldn’t be any happier.

  • Holly

    Reply Reply December 10, 2013

    Even if I had no options in the world, other than one man that was miss treating me, I would still walk away knowing that if I had nothing else, I would still have my self respect and dignity. Theirs not one person that you can’t live without.

    This year, I’ve lost contact with my dad, sister, friend ex and practically other people too, but they can’t have respected me much for that matter, or they wouldn’t have mistreated me.

    I still have a mom that means well by me, my beautiful, happy daughter, that I’m blessed and privilege to have in my life.

    Not to mention all the opportunities that I have for the future. Sometimes in life, people part from your life path for a reason, even if it’s not obvious to the human mind. Sometimes you have to just trust in life and know that everything is going accordingly to your life path.

    If somethings meant to happen then it will happen.

  • Bobbie

    Reply Reply December 3, 2013

    Thanks for your common sense email. Your timing couldn’t have been more perfect not only was I allowing myself to be his option but I also realized he has now placed me from a relationship status to a booty call one. So I won’t be responding to his text’s or emails any more and have moved on and started dating again. I do deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
    Thanks for your insight
    cheers Bobbie

  • Irina

    Reply Reply November 13, 2013

    Hi Renee! Thank you for this article! It really made me feel empowered that I have made the right decision! Six months ago I started dating a guy I met almost 5 years ago! I had the biggest crush on him 5 years ago, and I thought of him as my future husband! When we got together six months ago, (out of nowhere) I didn’t have any expectations!! We went out, dated, had a great time, spent lots of time together playing volleyball, rollerblading, hiking! I met his friends, he cooked dinners for me, and I just received and gave feminine energy ( I did do nice things for him of course, but he always made the plans and initiated, he was the man!) our relationship progressed slowly, which was kind of nice!. We slept together 2 months after we met, and sex and connection continued to get better. Then things slowly stared to slow down (or we got comfortable) we only saw each other on weekends, and we would talk once or twice during the week. He started a new job and was busy at work. I wasn’t always available to him, unless we made plans in advance. I was also busy at work. After carrying on like that for another two months and not getting the attention I craved and deserved, I told him I would like to see him more as this casual thing wasn’t working for me. He agreed and we made plans to go away overnight, he called more and everything was great for the next three weeks, I felt more connected to him than ever!!Then all of a sudden everything stopped abruptly. It was the weirdest thing! He stopped calling, he would make plans and then cancel them , I didn’t see him on the weekend! He said we should get together to talk, and he cancelled on that as well! At this point we went almost 3 days without talking, and I told him the silence was not cool. He asked if he could call me that night… We talked for almost two hours…his underlying response ” I guess I’m not sure what I really want right now.” I was crushed, hurt and disappointed, but I held it together and I told him I can’t continue like this as my feelings for him were already intense. I couldn’t continue sharing myself with a man that doesn’t know what he wants! He was quiet and paused a long time before saying “you’re wonderful, and you have amazing qualities, and I want you…we’ve shared great things together, but i don’t think I’m ready for a relationship right now. I hope we can still see each other sometimes”. I said ” I don’t think I can do that, I cant see you casually when we’ve shared so much intimately together”…. He said ” I feel like this isn’t the end” and I agreed saying ” I don’t feel like this is the end either, and it’s a great feeling to have. If we are meant to be together, we will be, maybe right now is not the time” . So to make a long story short, he didn’t choose me, we were civil and understanding and let each other go :((( It’s been a week with no contact. I don’t expect he will come back, not soon anyway, as he does have things to figure out…. But I do hope he comes back and fights for me…. And is that future husband I thought him to be! :)) In the meantime, I’m seeing other guys and keeping myself busy. It hurts, and I miss him. My mind wanders to what the hell happened so quickly that made him go 180 degrees???! Wanders to the wonderful times we spent together, and then to the fact that he didn’t choose me !! :(( Your article is true, and I believe we should embrace rejection as it makes us stronger, as difficult as it it: we should give the man the opportunity to choose us or not choose us as hard as this is going to be for us women! xoxo

    • Bobbie

      Reply Reply December 3, 2013

      Hell Irina. I know exactly how you feel. I’ve experienced the very same scenario. Good for you taking action. It really is impowering. I like you have done the same thing. If it’s meant to be with us it will be but I’m not losing sleep over it. I believe my guy is also very scared to make a committment and woke up one day and realized it. Oh well, he lost a great gal. And I woke up as well and realized how special I am. Don’t ever lose sight of how great you are. To lose that insight is to truly betray yourself.
      Take care

  • Ladiakatlyn

    Reply Reply August 26, 2013

    How do you train a guy to realize what it’s like to lose you without going extreme?

  • jojo

    Reply Reply August 22, 2013

    Weldone

  • sunny

    Reply Reply August 22, 2013

    Hi, I would be really grateful if you would explain why this is happening;
    for the past month I have been told by a friend how a guy has been staring at me with interest every time he sees me enter her street, but I never noticed until 3 weeks ago when I entered the street and he looked me right into my eyes as he crossed the street but I just continued driving past him but my eyes also looked back at him and this continued happening until two days ago when it was a sunny day n I drove into that street to pick up my friend as usual and he was standing against his car with a friend, soon as he saw me his face lit up all smiles talking with full hand movements, turning around smiling at me and as I waited for my friend he kept looking taking his cap on and off, looking directly at me n smiling like he’s on top of the world, he’s whole body was facing me smiling full eye contact, side walks across the street forwards backwards n smiles non stop, and as I was leaving he looked me straight into my eyes and smiled so beautifuly, I looked ahead as I was driving but I smiled just a little with a blush, BUT for the past today he saw me only in evening as I drove in to drop off my friend and he saw me but didn’t look at me, he got out of his car into his garden and then just waited in garden fidling with his keys and then ran towards car again, why did he stand in garden soaking wet while in rain just to show me he’s ignoring me??
    Please explain his behaviour as I can’t stop thinking about him.
    thnx xx

  • Mrs Houston

    Reply Reply August 20, 2013

    Hi I read your article but I have to admit I think I’m a little confused. Well me and my husband have been married for 3 yrs next week. For some reason I feel like our love is lost. We don’t talk the same. I just don’t feel loved by him. He is only really nice to me when I get paid, he wants sex or He gets to leave the house with out me complaining about him leaving me. Other than that he doesn’t listen to me which starts an argument, he puts his family over me which his family and I don’t get along. Its like everthing is lost in our marriage there has been episodes of infidelity in the marriage where there are huge trust issues especially me trusting him. I just don’t know if this is something that we can come from. From family issues with my inlaws and his inlaws, to infidelity, to personal problems in our marriage. It just seems like all is lost and I’m always looking on the internet for new ways to improve my marriage but when your constantly the only one looking for ways to improve you have the other person that thinks their perfect so they don’t feel they need improvement. I just feel as though our candle burned out and our love is gone.

  • maryam khan

    Reply Reply August 10, 2013

    Hi, i m a muslim girl and went thru this article while random browsing, and i was so astonished after reading it. I was depressed as i was not having my husband around me from 2 days, he was out for a business tour and my sis was gettin engaged(will b married after 2yrs, so engagement is not that much imp in our culture, nikah or wedding is of much higher imp). Yet he called me and marked his presence fully via attending whole get together on skype. This article make me realise that how much we muslim girls are demanding as our husband have spoiled us, we do not need to struggle to get a life partner, if we like him or he like us we will just show our consents to our parents and the rest is in there and Allah hand afterward. They make sure that we get that boy without there girl loosing her self respect so that they both live a happy married life with pride, afterwards. We do not have to seek our husband attention or protect him for other girls, they are abide to do this by our religon and if they do not give us due attention our get into relationship with another girl, then they are not only made suffer by our religous law but also his parents have to take serious steps to bring him back on line ;) so we have a tripple layer protection ofvia our religon law, state law, family values. So men at our side are quite good and easy to handle yet they also demand for a peaceful romantic atmosphere at home in return of financial burden they are dealing for us, which is quite easy as compare to earning money in this world (p.s. I am a microbilogist and a post graduate, and have a four year of job experience also, so i know what i m saying)…..
    plz let me know ur views…

  • Anna

    Reply Reply August 8, 2013

    I wanted to share a recent experience I had with you all that directly related to this article.
    A few days ago I was at my boyfriend’s place cooking dinner. I had come after work and went to the grocery store and then made a simple dinner. I told him about my day and we discussed it a little bit, but he didn’t seem to be able to give me his full attention. After dinner he did the dishes and I asked if he would watch a short sitcom with me before I had to leave. He said ok, but went to check his email. After 10 minutes or so, I asked if I should leave. He said no, why would I ask, and I said because he was checking his email and I seemed to be just sitting there. And it’s not like we live together or see each other often, then I wouldn’t mind. Plus, I was only asking 20 minutes of his time and if he told me how long he’d expect to check email, then I could decide better how to use my time. He got annoyed, because he essentially is working 2 jobs. Well then a business client ended up calling him from another country and he picked up the phone. So he was talking to this guy for 30 minutes and I’m sitting here steaming thinking “WTF????” and so I just pick up my things and leave. I am SO angry. SOOOOOOOO angry. I absolutely HATE IT when he’s on the computer or doing work when I’m around. Because WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING, TWIDDLING MY THUMBS??? Then I get home, and I read this article. Then it says: “Here’s a fundamental truth about men: they don’t have that much attention to give you. ” I know he has 2 jobs and he’s stuggling with them, and very busy, and this call is important for his business. So I cut him a little slack there. Then I asked myself, “if this happened when he was around, what would I do differently?” And my answer would probably be: not much, but maybe excuse myself for a moment to give him a kiss and let him know that this will take a while and give him the choice to leave or stay the night. But I would still take the call. But the epiphany I had was that MEN DONT HAVE THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO GIVE YOU. I didn’t know that. I began to look at him as a person who just doesn’t have the capacity to give me as much attention as I do, and I started not to feel angry anymore. And I knew he’d call me afterward to tell me how the call went, so I decided to ignore his call, pretend to be asleep & make him feel loss. Well he called 3 times. And I read Renee’s remark: ” I didn’t say” DON’T RESPOND. I also didn’t say REJECT HIM. I said: don’t respond WHEN he comes back out of convenience.” Well, I felt like he was coming back out of convenience, because he could have talked to me when I was there instead of checking email. So I didn’t call back. But then later… I did. Because I didn’t want him to feel I was doing that to punish him. He answered, and the first thing out of his mouth was how SORRY he was for not giving me as much attention when I was there, & the joke he made at my expense, how he loved my dinner & cooked for him, and a long list of how thoughtful I was and how he appreciated the many things I did for him. I said thank you. Then he told me what happened in the call. I said great and that I was happy, but I am tired now & have to go to bed. It was nice call, and made me feel good & loved, and it was all thanks to rereading this article. If I hadn’t done that, I would have been mad, and maybe scolded him for what he did. Now, I didn’t have to do any of that, and instead I got a big apology and sweet words from him, and more connectedness.
    Thank you Renee.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply August 8, 2013

      Thank You Anna, this comment just makes me SO happy. I can see exactly how painful this is for you. I have been through the same thing in the beginning with David.

      One thing: you’re right not to hold any of this against him. In time, as you grow and understand him more and he grows to understand you more, you’ll realise you were upset over your own rules, and that his actions never really meant that he didn’t WANT to give you attention, and in NO way do they mean he no longer loves you.

      Men everywhere do exactly what your man did here as you describe. It’s not a new problem..it’s an old and painful problem for women everywhere though :)

  • Elizabeth

    Reply Reply August 2, 2013

    Im in love with a man I’ve been dating off and on for almost 3 years. We are also business partners. He is the kind of man you described: masculine, owns himself and gives deep attention. It’s funny how quickly women he dates start asking for a relationship because of HIS attributes. But he just keeps saying he’s too tied up with his work to work on a relationship. After 3 years of dating him, I suggested we try out a relationship. He said not now. So I backed off and now were just doing the friends only thing. And my attitude has shifted…mostly away from him. And now he’s coming closer, albeit slowly. This weekend, I’m without my son and he’s not asked to do anything. So I sent him a text and told him I would see him next Tuesday. He texts back asking if I’m going on a trip. And then he asks me to a movie Sunday night (this is huge for him). The point is, there are two events where I could have seen him this weekend and he knows this. But I was implying I had other things to do. Bam! He asks me out on a date.

  • sweetmwe

    Reply Reply July 31, 2013

    i have been dating this guy for one year en 7mnths can u imagn thy guy is so full of himself he kns tht i love him bt does nt call me en only calls wen its convient thy are tyms even stops pickn upn ma calls……i love ths guy bt i fill he uses me en only wants me wen thy is smthn he needs from me wat should i do cause m failn to date other guys because i love him so much

  • Susie

    Reply Reply July 28, 2013

    I have been with my partner for 14 months. We barely see each other twice a week. He spends 1 day with me through the week if Iam lucky and 1 night at the weekend. We only live a few miles from each other. Yet he expects me to go around when it suits him on a specific day. I have had enough but Dont no what to say when he asks me around for a few hours. I guess if i Dont have the strength to say anything then this will forever go on. Any advice wouldnt go a miss. should i confront him?

  • mimi

    Reply Reply May 18, 2013

    pls, tank u so much, I love ur advice. We girls need to value ourselves for others (guys) to value us…..

  • Victoria

    Reply Reply March 18, 2013

    I’ve just called it a day with my man. We had been dating for 5 months.started off exciting and romantic and then he started a new top exec job which meant working every hour god sends etc. Amazing and a thoroughly deserved role, but our ‘dating’ went out the window. It became regular to have one phone call a week and be expected to go to his on eve at the weekend a week. Dinner and night in together and that was it. He’d turn up late for events I invited him to, say he’d take me away for Christmas and come mid-march had never done it. We were supposed to go out for dinner Saturday and he never called to arrange so an hour or so before we were supposed to go out i called him. He didn’t pick up. So I sent him a lovely text telling him he’s wonderful but that this was not okay. He called me back and claimed he had a food bug, having been out with mates until 2am……so it’s over. He is a beautiful man and I am absolutely gutted. Just think bad timing. We will meet in 2 months for a drink after our various work projects, but I just didn’t want it to be acceptable to continue forward being neglected or forgotten all the time as I was. I feel bad though as I think he did try and I wonder if i’ve thrown something that could have been decent away. Anyway. I guess if he wants me he will come and find me in a couple of months. And i guess if he doesn’t then i know where i stand.

  • Mary

    Reply Reply February 6, 2013

    I was wondering how often is it normal for men to become focused outside of the relationship and not pay attention to their woman. Days? Weeks? Months? Years?
    I left a 10 year marriage because all of his outside hobbies and interests and work meant we only had about 8 hours a week together. Wad this my bad?
    Then I got into another where the man pulls away from the relationship for weeks and leaves me all on my own in terms of family care (we have a son), and any type of support including when I am ill. He tell me its because he is focusing on himself and work to make a life he can be proud of, but ultimately I feel abandoned and resentful that the weight of the household and relationship falls on my shoulders for weeks or months in time while he’s off in his own little world. When he comes back to the relationship I don’t feel like I can trust him to be here for us or rely on him for anything and we’re back to zero again and again. Am I supposed to just accept this if I want a man?

    • Mary

      Reply Reply February 6, 2013

      Also, When he pulls away like this, he makes all communication impossible. My conversation, texts, emails and calls are generally all ignored or dodged. He says he needs his space and time to think and that a good partner would be supportive and understanding.
      But where is my support and understanding supposed to come from as a woman? Outside of the relationship?

      • Lori

        Reply Reply February 9, 2013

        Hi Mary,

        NO, you should NOT accept this behavior, just for the sake of “having a man”. There is something wrong with this situation if he really loves you, but there is a reason for everything, so let’s figure that out. A GOOD man will care about and honor his woman’s feelings. It could be that he is immature, and confused about HOW to be a good partner to you. He may not know what to do. It also could be that YOU have something to do with pushing him away, but he is scared to leave the relationship because he feels guilty since you have a child. Maybe he doesn’t love you, but feels trapped. I know a lot of men who stay with women they are not happy with just because they have a young child, and their morals are to do the right thing. But they are usually honest about that with the girl, they wouldn’t lie and say that it has only to do with work. Is he living nearby, and with anyone? Or it also could be, if he is doing it all the time and you think he will CONTINUE to do this, that he is just a player and has a secret life and lover, and continually going back between the both of you like a child who doesn’t know how to accept responsibility. I say this because he doesn’t even allow contact, which is weird, you don’t do that if you love someone and especially when there is a baby involved. A good man would want to be able to be contacted if there was ever an emergency.

        Only you know what his past ACTIONS have been with you to prove that he cares and wants a family and wants to be with you. If he shows he cares through actions and you get support from him financially, then you know he is not using you and he’s not selfish. What kinds of things does he DO for you? If ever? That’s the first thing you must think about.

        If he is there for you USUALLY and giving you more than you give him, then tell him your feelings without making him feel like you are making him wrong. Just tell him that you feel disconnected/abandoned/unimportant, and that you did not sign up for those feelings when you decided to be in a committed relationship with him. And that you signed up for a relationship for support and for him to be a man who is there for you and your son. Ask him sternly if there is anything you should know, that he hasn’t told you, because you are very confused. He will wake up and smell the roses if you tell him that to feel important and cherished as his woman is a need, and a boundary you deserve. If he doesn’t step up, then when he comes back to you or contacts you, close off your heart and body by not saying I love you or kissing him or any type of romance, and keep your schedule busy so that he can realize he freaked you out. Do NOT make him important and just focus on you. Then when he demands that you tell him what is wrong and why you are so closed off, he will be attentive to what you have to say this time and actually listen. Tell him you feel neglected, and you don’t like it. Tell him that you deserve to feel important to a man you are in a relationship with (say this with complete confidence, without caring about how he reacts). This does not mean give him an ultimatum and “tell him what to do”, that he “better stop neglecting you or else”. Because if you do that, he will get defensive and resent you.You will just make things worse. So just dont make him wrong. Stay calm, but let him know your true feelings. Once he sees that you care about your own feelings more than you care about what he thinks, you will show him that you are a high-value woman who thinks highly of herself and will only accept great treatment from a man. It will make him realize you are so valuable that you can get a good man easily, so he better step up or he KNOWS he will lose you, since you are not radiating the vibe that you need him and will put up with anything he does, and putting yourself before him. This will increase his attraction as well as respect for you, if he is a mature and good man. He just needs a wake up call, to realize his actions affect your feelings and needs. He wouldn’t want you to be unhappy if he was a mature good man. This is showing self respect and self love. If he lets you leave the relationship for him deciding to not respect that you won’t put up with neglect, then that just tells you his true colors, and you deserve better than him anyway, and you CAN find better than him. Don’t settle to not be happy on account of a man’s own selfish ways.

  • Rue

    Reply Reply January 30, 2013

    You have NO idea how much I needed this! Thank you so much Renee for telling me what I needed to hear. You see, the whole point with being afraid to leave because you think you will be hated and have no other options fits me perfectly, and I need to gather up strength and courage to do what is right and best for BOTH of us :D :D
    Lots of love
    xoxo

  • Princess

    Reply Reply January 28, 2013

    Great advice and very insightful. Thank You!!!!!

  • Elahe

    Reply Reply January 28, 2013

    Dear Renee, i believe every word you say and i’m so much lucky that i have this opportunity to read your words. You are fantastic, Renee. you are like an angel that you’re sharing your great knowledge with others. That is so amazing.
    Now, i want to to tell you something i believe you can help me.. you know Renee, i have a man in my life who loves me, and he wants to marry me. but i am scared.. what if he regret his decision after marriage? what if one day he would not love me no more? besides, he is two years younger than me ( i am 24 and he is 22) this is the issue that makes me fear from this relationship most. Would you help me on this Renee?? i believe no one but you can give me the right advice. Please, help me…

    • Elahe

      Reply Reply February 10, 2013

      Dear Rene! I’m looking forward for your answer impatiently…

    • Anna

      Reply Reply February 10, 2013

      My answer to you would be: Let go. Let go of your worries I mean. To have a man in your life that loves you and wants to marry you is more than most women out there have. I would appreciate that. And as for your soon to be fiancé’s regrets? Well, even if you regret your decision to marry, marriage is about working through your obstacles together. If he asked you to marry him, then he should be ready and willing o work through those obstacles for you.

      • Elahe

        Reply Reply February 13, 2013

        Thank you Anna! Thank you honestly, that was beautiful… i read your words over and over again and it helped me a lot.. You are right. There is no reason to worry about things when there is no real reason!

  • Sally

    Reply Reply January 27, 2013

    Hello Renee!

    I always look forward to get your e-mails. I have a lot of questions about developing femininity that I want to ask you, but I know you are busy.. But hey, I still find comfort in reading the articles you write! Thank-you again for your time in writing these articles and e-mails to inform so many women (including myself) and men and ourselves.

    :) Sally

  • Laney

    Reply Reply January 27, 2013

    Hi Renee,
    Great post, so insightful…..I have recently had experience of this, probably in the extreme. My boyfriend who lived with me and who I loved very much was not treating me with the respect I needed as a woman. He felt it was okay to go out and not come home for two days, end up so drunk he’d not come home (despite trying to convince me and him he’d return) at all and end up crashing on someone’s floor. This was becoming a regular occurrence. I tried explaining how this made me feel but he didn’t “get it” and made no effort to even compromise. In the end I asked him to leave… In every other way he was lovely to me but I felt this behaviour was too disrespectful…. I agree that sometimes people just lose their perspective and need their partner to demonstrate a consequence, otherwise they’ll continue down a selfish path. I love this guy very much and can only hope he’ll reflect on things but at the end of the day you have to respect yourself otherwise what else do you have?

  • Luleka

    Reply Reply January 25, 2013

    his email finds me in perfect timing because it is exactly what I was going through this week. My man got too busy travelling and meetings that he forgot I needed input from him regarding a change I need to make. 2 and half days later (yesterday), I sent him a text; ‘I know you have a lot on your plate; I just need your input as requested 3 days ago; if you are too busy it would help to let me know and I can decide on my own. Thank you.’- He called me as soon as he finished reading that text and I didn’t pick up. He sent me a text telling me he has thought and prayed about me and asked me if I have any idea what the answer is. I delayed my response for 15 minutes and asked him to fill me in. Wise advice he gave me. He sent 3 moree texts about how bad he felt for not responding in good time, that he had the answer the day before already but was busy travelling and meetings. I get you Renee, thanks for your advice.

  • may zipp

    Reply Reply January 25, 2013

    this was so good ,,this artical is teaching and l loved reading everything ,cause its the same mistake ive been doing ,,but it works ,thanks

  • pc

    Reply Reply January 25, 2013

    Hey Renee, hes a friend. but he does come to me only according to convenience. coz hes either playing games watching movies and out with other friends for whom hes ready to cancel our plan!! and he also told me he takes me for granted and that he doesnt do it on purpose!!hes says hes knows il stick around. so hes fine. i dont know how to not respond. everythings clear here , but i get carried away when he comes back, when he “comes back” out of convenience.

    • Mary

      Reply Reply January 25, 2013

      My advice would be to take a class or find a hobby. That way you can be busy when he comes around . You can be nice, and you have real plans so you aren’t waiting around missing him :-) GOOD LUCK

      • Pc

        Reply Reply January 26, 2013

        Thankyou :) and does this mean I shouldn’t stick around ?

  • Cyndi

    Reply Reply January 25, 2013

    This was a good reminder that sometimes our men ARE just busy. That is all there is to it. We (us women) tend to think everything has to do with us. I learned from one of your other articles that we need to remember that men don’t think like us, and therefore, don’t attack them for that. Thanks Renee!!
    Cyndi

  • Jenn

    Reply Reply January 25, 2013

    I felt compelled to share on this. I agree totally with this article. these are the strategies I use:
    1. Love yourself first. That’s the only way you can love anyone else and not depend on them for affirmation.
    2. Respect who you are and what you bring to the table. Know your value. Be valuable. Valuable things are chersished and pursued. Dont act cheap and desperate. You are an asset to ppl around you if you bring value to their lives, not drain or become a liabilty to them.
    3. When you genuinely feel unappreciated, take your breathing space to clear your mind and distract yourself from the problem. Pursue some other interest, do something fun and fulfilling.NEVER be totally dependent on him for companionship, then you start being a burden, have a life outside of him.
    4. You dont have to give everything all the time. Allow ppl to ask too!!! Dont give advice too readily. Let it be requested and desired.
    5. Dont always be available. Dont always say “yes”!

    What I learnt is that you attract what you will tolerate/accept. You have to teach others what you will accept (conditioned behaviour). Most ppl are not evolved yet to appreciate the ppl in their lives often until that person dies! That’s just the fact.

    When I took that stand in my life, it was difficult at first cuz I felt like I was being very hard and ruthless but it turned oiut wonderfully. I no longer felt responsible for ppl’s bad behaviours, I live a more wholesome life and he pursues me far more. For eg, I may take a wknd ot go visit my mother out of town and he’ll call me frequently saying how he misses me lol! when before I used to be the one pleading that we need to spend more time together!

    It all boils down to loving yourself enough and knowing your worth to him/her, the cat and dog…. it doesnt matter.

  • Rita

    Reply Reply January 25, 2013

    I love your articles and I completely agree with the comments and advices.I am fifty and I wish I had been educated on these issues before, I would have made fewer mistakes, but they will be useful to my daughter

  • AC

    Reply Reply January 25, 2013

    “On the odd occasion in life, we might find someone who is evolved enough to not take us for granted, and actually values the idea of not allowing him or herself to take you for granted.”
    I’m one of those people. And I got there from having a lot of pain in my past relationships that I relish someone who is good, and never forget that. My honest hope is for everyone who reads this article, to grow just a little in their appreciation for the important people in their lives every day, and to strive to not take them for granted. I do this by focusing on 5 things I love about the person, every time he’s in my presence, and I keep a notebook of all the good things he’s ever done for me. I read it often.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply January 25, 2013

      Hi AC, this is beautiful, thank you for sharing your own strategies for keeping this feeling of gratitude. I appreciate this! xoxox

  • Alexie

    Reply Reply January 24, 2013

    How does one “not respond?”

    • Alexie

      Reply Reply February 3, 2013

      “The next step is to NOT respond when he “comes back” out of convenience. Make him work for what you guys have together.”

      Does this mean to ignore him? Be a little cold? Be somewhat noncommunicative? What goes into making him work for it?

  • Inna

    Reply Reply January 24, 2013

    Hi Renee,

    I do practice this approach. Whenever I feel that I am not treated the right way I withdraw inwardly. I keep doing the same things for my husband like cooking and washing his clothes but I don’t ask him questions about his job or his friends, etc. I stop communication. I try to get rid of my hurts meanwhile and turn my attention to something that brings me joy like friends, parents, spa ))) Then he is right back and is usually eager to listen to me and to find out what happened and do something to be close to me again, to be friends )))

  • Catherine

    Reply Reply January 24, 2013

    I absolutely agree with Renee’s words. The problem is, there is only a thin line between not responding when he comes back out of convenience and expressing the hurt i felt authentically and genuinely. I thought its healthy to give feedback, sometimes man are oblivious that they have hurt you. Sometimes, women just have to scream and shout or yell that to their man, and risk losing him, to break through our fears and give him a sense of loss. If otherwise, we dont have the right to complain years down the road, as we are not giving our man continuous feedback that he is god damn hurting us with his actions. He needs to feel the pain that we feel, and sometimes we have to scream that, yell that and say the darkest things we can ever think of , for instance, “you suck, i dont even want to know about you!” Is this rejecting him? I’m confused, how can i not respond, and also show that i’m hurt? I’m in pain?

  • Silvia

    Reply Reply January 24, 2013

    Its absolutely true what Renee says, I´ve done it before, and It works, plus not being able all the time to my man, give me a sense of “High Value woman”, I´ve vanished from my man, and when he finally contacts me again, I am normal, no emotions shown at all and he wonders what has happened and comes back to be close again.
    When we show our men that we don´t need cheap attention, we show respect for ourselves indeed!!

  • CG

    Reply Reply January 23, 2013

    I loved this! I also think it takes some experience to know when a man is actually taking you for granted and I agree with you, sometimes we women can just be pursing our lips. But it is hard when everything else is SOOOO much more important than me! Why is is so hard for men to drop everything?

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