My question to you is this: is it true that your boyfriend or husband takes you for granted and only makes time for you when it suits him? Or is it that it’s too easy for you to feel like you are not special?
In other words; are you making up the story that he only fits you in when it’s convenient for him, in your head?
Here’s why I ask: feminine women seek attention; we thrive on it and we need it to feel feminine (many women will sell their souls for some attention from men) – BUT it’s not always beneficial for women to seek it out because it’s a dead end trap; most attention is cheap and short-lived. It can come and go as fast as it comes.
So maybe the truth is that YOU have a RULE about how much attention you OUGHT to receive in order to feel loved?
And, that is very dangerous. To you. The more rules you have for how you feel loved, the less love you will find.
How many people are you going to let go of because you are more like a 10 year old girl in a relationship who stomps her feet in fear when a man appears to actually have a life outside of you? (Why can’t I be loved for who I am?)
And how long are you going to pretend that you cannot already exist AS love, radiating love and warmth, WHENEVER you choose to, and not have your happiness dependent upon how much attention other people can give you?
Here’s the truth: Maybe, you have more spare time than he does. Maybe, you get bored more easily. Maybe he is more active than you are and enjoys always doing things and you’re more of a home body.
Here’s a fundamental truth about men: they don’t have that much attention to give you. And if you want him to give you attention, you need to train him to do that by positively reinforcing him when he does give you attention.
Eg: he FINALLY calls you – what you DON’T do is say: “OMG, FINALLY you call.” This is a major downer for him to hear/feel from you.
He doesn’t notice the time; he’s busy, he’s working, he’s focused, he’s being a man; all those things that actually cause you to be attracted to him. Remind yourself of that.
I’m here to suggest something important to you: that you actually just want a man who is truly PRESENT with you. Who is intensely masculine, who owns himself and gives you deep attention, not cheap attention. But to GET that, guess what? You must be the other half of the equation. This kind of quality presence from a man demands a high quality and highly evolved kind of feminine energy (the type where you choose to exist as love even when you feel UNloved).
Would you agree?
If it really IS true…
There’s another side to this problem. Maybe a man really IS only letting you in his life when it suits him. It happens, and it happens a lot, to a lot of women. It’s happened in my own life. As I’ve said before, sometimes, we really are somebody else’s back-up option.
But this is usually obvious; because usually what happens is he keeps other women around, talks, calls and texts other women, you guys break up and when those women are off the radar, he asks for you back, and you go back – sometimes because secretly, you don’t feel that you have many other options (You DO).
I wanted to ask; do you really believe that he is only making time for you when it suits him?
If you do, and you STILL want to be with him – then it’s time to make him feel a sense of loss. This is not selfish, it’s something you have to do with everyone in your life. Friends, relatives, co-workers…we are ANIMALS….we are going to take things for granted, not because we are bad people, but because someone up there, or evolution (whatever you believe in), made us that way.
It’s our own responsibility to train others to value us. We are not babies, we are responsible adults, aware and conscious of our own relationships and aware of our own ability to SHAPE our relationships and teach others to value us.
On the odd occasion in life, we might find someone who is evolved enough to not take us for granted, and actually values the idea of not allowing him or herself to take you for granted. These people are rarer than rare. I’ve only met one; my husband. But my boyfriends before him were not that way.
How do you make a man feel a sense of loss?
You stop being desperate for his attention, and fill up your need for attention elsewhere.
That’s the first step.
The next step is to NOT respond when he “comes back” out of convenience. Make him work for what you guys have together.
People WILL come back to you if you are/were High Value enough in the first place. If you added enough value to their lives, they will fight for you. They will feel loss. It’s natural and it’s human nature.
NOTE: I didn’t say” DON’T RESPOND. I also didn’t say REJECT HIM. I said: don’t respond WHEN he comes back out of convenience. When is he coming back out of convenience? How would you know? You may not know to start off with; but you will learn through life experience and through having the courage to be present with your own thoughts and actually looking at the situation objectively, putting all anger aside.
Look; there’s a difference between doing this from a nasty, malicious place. I am well aware that 90% of women who read this dating advice will jump up and down and go ‘yay!!” and think this is PAYBACK and ignore that man out of a feeling of payback for the terrible feelings they feel about not being put first.
I don’t intend this advice for those women.
I intend it for you.
Do it because you KNOW something about human beings; that we will, from time to time, accidentally take people for granted, we will get self involved, that men might do that to you. and just like the mammals that we are, we need to be pulled in to line by a well-meaning lover, or friend who cares enough to preserve the value of the relationship by not being available when the other person is contacting us out of convenience.
This is what I would want my own friends to do. Indeed, my man does it for me, and I respect that.
The final part of the puzzle is: are you courageous enough to actually train others in what it feels like to lose you?
Because many of us aren’t. We fear we don’t have other options, if we were to be too unavailable for one particular person. We fear that they would hate us and leave us. Well, sometimes, they’re going to hate us. Again, we are animals. We’re not logical, ever-so-perfect mammals. Anyone can hate you whenever they want, without notice. Even you hate yourself sometimes, don’t you? But you are not dying from it are you?
If you’re not, then why not give this a go?
Have you ever done this with a man you were dating? Maybe you’ve done it to a friend? Have you got any reminders/tips for other women on how to do this with dignity and self respect?