When it comes to understanding men, there are two important things I want you to know. Because I find that it’s very easy to forget all the little details and everything else when you are stressed out or upset about your dating and relationship issues. And it’s helpful to remember these basics before you make decisions you will regret when things aren’t going right.
Before giving you the five insights into men — (click here to take the quiz on “How Feminine Am I Actually?”) — I want to lay a quick but important foundation with you. Here are the two most fundamental principles:
1) Most of the things you worry about to do with men are actually not anything to worry about.
You see, we worry for our reasons, with our feminine hormones and feminine brain. We think that he is not calling, for example, because we haven’t shown enough interest in him, so maybe he’s unsure. But mostly, the bottom line is that if he wanted to call, he would. As women we read other meanings into things and think: Oh, did he say that because he actually meant that other thing? Or, Oh… did he not call me for three weeks because he has another woman? No. He didn’t call because he simply did not want to.
In a similar vein, we think our boyfriend or husband didn’t do that thing for us because he doesn’t love us enough or care enough. But really, it’s because he didn’t hear our request in a way that would impel him to go do it for us. It’s almost never because a man doesn’t care, but our feminine brain interprets his actions that way.
2) Always remember; men are not bigger, stronger, faster females. They are men.
Male and female human beings have evolved over millions of years through two different roles: Women trained themselves to be gatherers, and men became hunters; this is the work of our ancestors, whether we like it or not. Now, the effects of the differences between hunters and gatherers are the cause of almost all our troubles. Men and women are simply designed for different purposes.
But through all my own struggles, here’s the best thing I’ve discovered:
Male and female differences are painful, but women are well taken care of…
As much pain and struggle as the differences between men and women cause us, evolution has also made us work perfectly together in many ways. And don’t worry: As a woman, evolution didn’t ditch you. You are actually far better taken care of than you or any other woman would ever have you believe.
It’s just that taking dating or relationship advice from girlfriends often makes us dumber, and more stressed. Because most women get women; they don’t get men — which means that 99 percent of what women think, and the meaning we place on male actions, is completely incorrect.
When you stop taking advice from friends who may not want the best for you, and make your own decisions, you may start to see that men actually want to be there for you, commit to you, and take care of you. Evolution made it this way, but men are wired to take care of a certain type of woman — a woman they see as high value.
Try to remember: Men are responding to you, and what you do. This means that how you show up with men is crucial. If you show up as low value, you will get far worse than low value in return. Sometimes, you get nothing. But when you show up as a high value woman, you get far more than you bargained for.
What do you Worry about when it comes to MEN?
I can remember the days (not so long ago), when I’d stress constantly about how a man I liked might think of me. I was also very quick to make terribly wrong assumptions about men that were… well, wrong!
Have you ever worried incessantly about being cheated on? Ever worried about him checking out other women? I guarantee you have no idea how much you totally over-stress issues with men that actually don’t exist, or aren’t true in his world. As a woman, you are wired to worry when you are in a fearful state.
But as a woman, you also have a lot more power with men than you were allowed to believe growing up. (And I don’t think that’s fair, which is why I’m sharing a little bit from my own relationship mistakes.) You have the power with men more than you know right now, even as you are reading this. And your knowledge of men is your power with them. This is the basis of my program “Understanding Men” (check it out by clicking here).
Your FEELINGS about what Men do aren’t wrong…but your perception about men is.
This doesn’t mean that your feelings are wrong, or that you’re making anything up — you’re definitely not; after all, they are your feelings. And as a woman, you know that your feelings are the truest and most real thing in your life. After all, we have feelings about everything!
The thing is, they are your feelings. And you know what that means? It means they are not his — which means that the man you are dealing with doesn’t do the things he does for the reasons you think he does.
When Men “Look” at other women…
I’ll give you a little example. The other day I was driving to the mall, and at a set of lights I stopped on red. While waiting for the lights to change, I looked to my right to see… two men in a car, staring at something to my left… and they were very concentrated on this particular thing.
I turned to follow their gaze, and saw a man in a car to my left, also staring intently this as-yet-unknown thing. Two seconds later, I see two young women in bikinis washing cars.
Now… because I understand men, I can laugh at this and not just roll my eyes in fear and anger. But I have a question for you: What is your instinctive, gut-level reaction to this? Do you sigh in disgust? Worry that your boyfriend or husband might look if you weren’t there with him? What are you really worried about? That he thinks those half-naked girls are better than you? That he wants to have sex with them?
The answer to all these fears is a resounding “No.” See, it took me a while to get this. Men are conditioned as hunters (and also just as humans) to take note of changes in their environment. So to them it’s actually like, Oh. There’s a bikini car wash in Melbourne, Australia? Oh, OK then! Lights change. Moving on now. Half an hour later, most men will have forgotten all about that bikini car wash and the girls there.
They’re wired to look. Some men might want to have sex with those women, but those are mostly desperate men, men who feel deprived. The question is: Do you have a deprived man? Do you have a desperate man? If so, your worries might be well-founded.
Are you Attracting Desperate Men?
The worry really is: Why did you attract this particular man into your life? The answer is most likely because you are desperate for something as well — maybe attention… maybe variety… maybe the (so-called) security of having a man who is not as good a catch as other men. Maybe you’ve secretly felt your whole life that you’re inferior to other women, so you feel deprived on some level that you don’t get enough attention, which is why the first man who seems to give it to you — even if he’s a desperate heeby-jeeby — will do.
It’s not your fault. It’s just what you’re going through. But once you become aware of this belief and relax into the reality that it doesn’t serve you, you can dismantle it and start showing up in ways that better express your true worth — and attract better men.
Would you be surprised if I told you that men would look with the same concentration at a row of 10 rabbits running across the road? And that they’d look with the same level of detachment and lack of emotion?
If it does surprise you or make you angry, or you just don’t want to believe me, that’s OK. That’s what we do as women; we make things big in our minds, and we want to be reassured and convinced. Again and again and again.
Right now, I’m going to share those five insights about men you should know before worrying yourself sick.
Insight Number 1) Men don’t judge you.
When you have a conversation with a man and say something you think you shouldn’t have, then have multiple conversations with yourself in your head about how you ‘said the wrong thing’, he is most likely more worried about impressing you, or he has already forgotten what you said shortly after you said it. This is because masculine men are generally more interested in having sex with you and/or enjoying being around your beautiful energy than they are focused on judging you.
Now, if you know me and my work at all, you know that I firmly believe there are very few absolute truths in life — and that everything is contextual. So I want to clarify, and say that yes, some men will judge you. But the ones who actually spend time judging you and talking negatively about you are just jaded, emotionally closed, and perhaps fearful men who wouldn’t try to ‘get’ you anyway, out of fear of rejection. And this is in no way a judgement; it’s just what it is.
From boyhood on, masculine men spend their entire lives trying to be enough to be worthy of a high-value, high-status woman’s attention. Most men’s lifelong inner experience goes something like this:OK. I’m a male. I like females. I like them a lot. If I want to be worthy and enough in this world, I have to prove myself, and earn my own respect and others’ by making enough money, being funny enough, etc.
That was my attempt at speaking like a male, which, as a female, is the best I could muster. But I think you know what I am saying. As women, we don’t have to do nearly as much to be and feel worthy of sex and attention.
But if you’re anything like me, you’ve spent quite a considerable amount of time in your life trying to do things to get a man’s attention when you could have worried a lot less, simply enjoyed yourself, and that would have done the job.
Because men don’t care about all the little details you think they do, or judge you for them. As far as I can tell, men will simply be repelled by you (because your type of energy is not what they’re looking for), or be indifferent to you because they’ve already met their one and only, or try to impress you because they are interested.
Just a final note on men not judging you: It doesn’t serve them to do so. From an evolution way of thinking about it – they judge women less, because that gives them more sexual options. It’s only when a woman is showing up as very low value that they might make head space for a judgement – but usually, they’re just repelled and try to get away as soon as possible.
Insight Number 2) Men don’t leave you because you weren’t good enough
Men leave for many reasons, but mostly because of how they feel with you. They usually leave because there was no good reason to stay with you, and they felt bad enough about themselves around you enough times that it was time to call it quits. And they felt bad because you weren’t happy.
Insight Number 3) Men don’t actually want you to hold everything in and pretend everything is OK.
Move on from this terrible belief, and do something silly — like actually expressing yourself! Now, don’t take this too overboard if you have only had one date with a man… you need time to prove your value to each other before you can even think about unleashing “the crazy.”
But believe it or not, soon enough, if a man is masculine and you have attracted this masculine man into your life, he won’t mind you expressing yourself. In fact, he’ll mind your holding everything in, and being a sloth about your emotions!
Holding things in is not attractive, and it doesn’t keep the right man around. The right man wants you to express. By the way, I said express, not blame. If you want more on this, see my article on being real and expressive without blaming:
I’ve done crazy things that, when I tell other women what these things are, they cannot believe my man is still with me. But if you ask my husband, he would tell you that these things I did were endearing. He loves that I’m expressive, and if you want something real in your life, not just a relationship for the sake of “having” a relationship to look good, then be real and be raw.
If you want a man to love you for you — well then, you need to be you. It’s not helping you to reject yourself when all you’re truly yearning for is to step out of your own shell, and start expressing yourself fully.
You don’t have to act like a little girl, but you can use the 5-year-old-girl you once were — who simply played, and expressed, and did silly things — as a stepping stone to finding yourself. You’ve probably disowned her… and she doesn’t like it! Try inviting her into your world again to pull you out of your shell and loosen your body up.
Insight Number 4) When your official boyfriend or husband is NOT there for you, or doesn’t do what you wish he would, you can almost always be sure that it is because you haven’t communicated your need to him in a way that he understands.
You may think this means I’m putting the blame on you. No, not at all. In fact, when I discovered this, it felt like a gift, a well-kept secret, and a reason not to worry. It felt like: Thank God, maybe many men actually do want to be there for you? They want to be your hero? And this is not just your boyfriend, but even male friends and relatives.
What a novel concept that other women could never tell you! The only catch: Men don’t want to be there for women who don’t reward them with their feminine energy — through their eyes, their gestures, their body movements, and their smile — basically, with their open willingness to stay connected in love.
Why don’t men want to stay with women who don’t reward them with their feminine energy? Because men don’t get it otherwise. They don’t understand that you were scared or that you found something they did helpful, because they personally don’t often feel scared, and they don’t often need help. But if they see (through you) that they are helpful to you and make you feel safer, guess what? Their brain makes the association that doing good, helpful things makes you happy.
Just beware: The longer that you have withheld your gratitude, the longer you have withheld your happiness and loving energy from a man, the longer the path you will need to take to regain his trust.
Insight Number 5) Men wish YOU Understood them deeply.
Because when you truly understand them, you stop worrying, and getting hurt and upset all the time. When you’re hurt and upset all the time, your feminine energy doesn’t show up. You’re tight and controlling. And that is not pleasant from a man’s perspective — or anyone’s, including your own.
And look: When you understand them, men can give you what you need, and be the men you want them to be for you. There is an incredible allure to women who understand men, because these women are usually higher value, less defensive, and more radiant because of the lowered stress that comes from understanding men. Men are drawn to this kind of allure like bees to honey, and they want to commit to you just to own that allure — to own your soul for life.
But the key to getting that genuine commitment from a high-caliber man is not make-up. It is not a slimmer body. Men don’t care about these things; these are the feminine brain’s solution! What men care about is a woman’s energy.
Remember that! Open your eyes… and take a look around at all the attractive, successful men committed to far less attractive, perhaps jobless, and perhaps very overweight women!
The key to men is understanding them. You see, men who are masculine at their core (about 80 percent of the males in the world, according to various researchers) often don’t have many words, especially when it comes to their feelings. They don’t talk all that much about how they feel, and many don’t even understand what that word means in many contexts — which is like a foreign planet for you and me!
We get feelings, and we can speak about them well. But when you try to talk to a man about them, he’ll just go quiet or look blankly back at you. You can’t turn him into a woman, so the very best thing you can do is to put in the loving thought and care to understand him. The more you are willing to do this, the more that men will approach you for the right reasons (not for sex), and the quicker relations with them will start to fall into place for you.
I understand that, as a woman, sometimes you wish that men would put the so-called work into relationships that you do as a woman, because you’re sick of doing it all yourself. But there are two plain and brutal truths you need to know:
1) You don’t actually want men to put more work into a relationship. Your fear tricks you into believing you want that — but you don’t.
In reality, you’d rather he be the man you can respect, the man who spends more time on his mission, actually making something of himself. You’d rather he be the man you are attracted to, not the soppy one who’s obsessed with relationship and deep connection like you are. As a woman, that’s what you’re built to love in males. Men are built differently. Thank goodness. I love men for being men.
And if you insist on keeping a man close to you all the time, and try desperately not to let him do whatever he wants to do, you’re really just creating the death of your relationship.
Sure – we need to be attuned to whether a man just wants sex or if he wants just a relationship – and letting a man be a man won’t be the only key to getting a man who only wants sex to fall in love and commit with you.
Yet – whether he’s committed or not – A man has to be a man. His world can’t be about being with you all the time; if it were, you would no longer be attracted to him. And without that attraction, you would feel a deep emptiness, and envy other people’s relationships — rather than having the wonderful relationship you so deeply crave.
You want a man who does what he wants, even when you ask him not to do that very thing. You know it’s true, too!
In life sometimes, what angers us is exactly what we need to feel alive and passionate. And guess what’s alive and passionate? A man and a woman who are attracted to each other — not a man and a woman who are restricted by the woman’s need to control him. (See my article on not being a boring woman.)
2) What you regard as work, or the effort you’ve put into a dating situation or relationship, is actually what you thought would work at the time — but didn’t.
Here’s an example: A lot of women think that discussing what’s wrong with the relationship, or discussing their deep feelings with their man, means they are putting “work” in. Yep, I still make this mistake every now and again. It’s the curse of being a woman: We want to talk things through. It’s the way we heal and connect.
But… it is not, and never will be, the way you get a man’s full attention. And it will never work to get him to adore you, cherish you, and commit to you. In fact, he’s really just sitting there thinking, Why the hell is this human being talking about all these things?
1) Isn’t it already obvious? Why is she stating the obvious? and
2) This isn’t helping me. It’s not solving any problems. It just makes me feel like shit.
Often, you’ll find that the more you try to “talk things through” with a man, the more he will pull away and run from you.
I know. It’s a pity that what totally works with your girlfriends is the wrong medicine with a man! But lucky you, you get to understand this, because most of the women around you will go their entire lives without getting it, feeling more and more fed up with men — or even winding up alone.
Thank you for reading my article. I appreciate you for taking the time out of your day to seek answers for yourself. The universe will reward you for that.
Now I want to make you an offer. I want you to experience the freedom, self-confidence and joy that I have through understanding men, so I’ve created a course on this very subject with my husband (who is my Hero). It’s designed for you to become the goddess you were destined to be with men, and it will eliminate your anxiety, confusion and mistakes with any man. I invite you to join me and my other members in the exclusive Members Area, where you can start “Understanding Men.” Click here to read more about this popular program: