When I decided to leave my ex boyfriend for my now husband, one thing made this choice obvious to me. I mean it was as clear as Day: my ex was never going to ‘take care’ of me. I took care of him, in many ways.
This is the one reason I even began this blog: I finally found my true feminine core; I stopped pretending, and realised how powerful feminine energy is. I had attracted my ex and gotten in to a terrible relationship where I was the man because I had to be the man for myself, and I spent a lot more time in my masculine energy. I thought I had to BE that to get love.
The relationship didn’t work out. It never was going to; as my auntie told me about my ex: “he needs someone who can tell him what to do. You are not that woman.”
Huh? Tell him what to DO? It took me years to understand what she meant. Having a strong masculine man in my life to share passion with, to love and to build a life with, is the most important thing to me. And nothing is more important to me.
Not my work, not my looks, not anything. That’s the way it is for me. It’s important that I have an alpha male because it makes me feel like a girl again, and I feel protected. It’s a MUST that my man be very masculine and to own himself.
I don’t mind being told what to do because I know he cares, and I enjoy giving up the lead (and letting him lead) more than anything. That may not work for you. Find what works for you.
If you are with a submissive man, or a beta male, and you feel awkward in your body, be honest! Don’t ignore it. There’s a reason for it.
Just because you can fight for yourself, drive a car (women didn’t even used to drive; men used to do all the driving at one point in history), make you own damn money, have children without a man, DOESN’T mean you don’t crave a man more than you crave anything else. Yet it can make you feel terribly vulnerable to admit that, LET ALONE feel that in your own heart, true?
It is my belief that women around the world have been lying to themselves; thinking they don’t ‘need’ a man.
Well, I need a man. NOT to survive. I don’t need a man to survive. I don’t even need a man to live well. But I need a man because I want to need a man. NOT to be needy, but because I simply find nothing lights me up more than having my husband around me, holding me when I fall, protecting me when someone hurts me.
If it so happens that he passes away (god forbid), then I’ll make my own way; I’ll find my way; but for now, I yearn to need him and I enjoy craving his energy and the passion that we have together.
This is NEED that I choose to have; because I am OK with making myself vulnerable to a man who is worthy of my trust; and I am OK with loving him and yet at the same time; fearing that he might leave or go away.
How I found the Right Man…
If you are a subscriber to my Free newsletters, you would know the story of me ex boyfriend and how I came to be with my now husband. But to FIND that, took a lot of pain. I had bad past relationships, and it wasn’t UNTIL I decided for real what I wanted and stopped listening to every other person in my life that I got lucky.
I found my one, and there is no other man for me. And that is exactly what I hope for you. If that’s what you want.
My own struggle and BAD choices in the past is the reason why I believe in being honest about your desire for an alpha male; and I believe in this for you, too, if it is truly what you desire.
It’s NOT that I think an alpha male is better; he’s just better for me. He may not be better for you. It’s a choice you need to make.
If you are a woman who in her heart, really, really wants a man who TAKES you places, who throws you on the bed, picks you up and swings you around, or who is an enlightened being who tells you what to do (from a place of care), then this post is for you. (read my post about why every woman should look up to their man)
What kind of man do you REALLY want? Feel it in your body, and Go with it!
You may want to be a very bossy woman and be in control, but you don’t actually feel OPEN and happy, or fulfilled doing that; so be careful who you choose; before you get stuck in a situation that you don’t want to be in where you feel absolutely suffocated.
And then blame him for not eing the man you want. WAIT; you CHOSE him! And there was a reason you chose him.
For example, if you are a highly successful woman, who runs circles around people, who has a degree and can take care of everything better than a man and ENJOYS bossing a man around BUT there’s a small part of you who DOES want an asshole (or an enlightened spiritual man who holds you up when you fall, and who even tells you what to do, then you need to really decide what kind of man you want).
Maybe you are happy with a man who lets you boss him around most of the time, BUT still has the ability to take that role off of you 20% of the time.
Just remember; an alpha male won’t want you to take that role very much at all; he won’t be attracted to that. Maybe he will be able to appreciate it after being with you for several years, and through growing together with you and learning to trust you; but definitely not when you start dating. You can’t attract a High Value, High Status male with bossy-ness, an unsmiling face, swaying shoulders, and a ‘heavy’ vibe.
Beware of these if you are in a Long-term Relationship!
Having said that, if you are in a long term relationship right now, take these 5 indicators LIGHTLY. They do not hard core apply to YOU all the time, because when you spend THAT much time with someone, you realise that we all have moments where we slip in to different roles and he might have done something once or twice that indicated he was a beta male but really he isn’t.
And that is normal, and natural and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just like you show up in your masculine energy sometimes, no matter how beautifully feminine or motherly you are 80% of the time.
If you’re dating…
This post is for you if you are single and dating and want a strong alpha male and want to sift through the men who perhaps won’t be that strength for you when you need him to be. I don’t know about you – but I know when I was dating, it was INCREDIBLY helpful to have signs to go by, before wasting time with someone who isn’t right for you.
What is an Alpha Male?
In today’s day and age, because most of us do not live in tribes anymore, the alpha male might not be as OBVIOUS, so that’s why I believe signs are more important.
Thousands (even millions) of years ago, it was obvious who the alpha male was; he was the guy who lead the tribe, who got the pick of ALL the women, and fathered most of the tribe’s population!
But of course, other men hated that because they didn’t get the opportunity to pass on their genes; one man commandeered all the female reproductive resources; so of course, the society we have today works MUCH better for most of us; where, for some of us, we can be UNEMPLOYED and still pass on our genes.
Hell, we can live off the government, be on drugs, and still Pass on our genes. Not good; but it still happens.
Yet; as a woman, you can feel whether a man is a dominant or submissive man, right?
Here is how I define an Alpha Male
In today’s day and age, signs that a man is an alpha male are signs that he has a strong masculine energy; that he is not afraid to be dominant and to hold his ground.
Just because a man is an alpha male doesn’t mean he can’t have a well developed feminine energy, too. Remember that! It’s simply because he’s more multi-dimensional.
Dominant, BUT in what Way?
Now for some men, they’ll be the ‘dominant asshole’, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it depends how he shows up as that asshole. And some women still like this type of man, and it works for them, which is great!
Or, you get the (rare) enlightened man who is spiritual and still very clearly alpha; or has a strong masculine energy. These men are rare; and it takes a well developed feminine energy to create attraction and develop a relationship with this type of man.
And sometimes, it’s hard to tell what man is what, so that’s where some indicators come in really handy!
Here are the 5 indicators that a man is not an Alpha Male:
1) When socializing and talking, he often talks in a way that puts other people down. For me, there really is no faster indication that this man has a very weak masculine energy. Not only because he’s insecure, that’s not even half of the reason! The reason why this is a sure-fire indicator that a man is not an alpha male is because alpha males are far more centered and focused than that! In order to look to put others down indirectly or directly, it just shows his lack of ability to focus and the lack of direction in his life.
Men who have a sense of mission, and who are focused, don’t have the brain space to look for ways to gossip and TALK about how other people are less than, or are losers.
Plus, lengthy discussion and gossip is something women do. Look out for this one. I really can’t stand men who gossip in a way that puts other down; because I can feel their lack of authenticity.
Sure, sometimes we all have to gossip and maybe tell it like it is; but there’s a difference between telling it like it is and having most of what comes out of your mouth be a put down or criticism of other people. Gossip is a form of sharing of feminine energy – not a strong masculine energy.
2) Other women don’t pay attention, and aren’t interested in listening to him when he speaks.
An alpha male more often than not, has the ability to engage people and is not afraid to engage people. Always take a man out with some of your girlfriends. Firstly; if he cares about you; he won’t avoid it.
If he just wants sex, he’ll try to avoid it. If he comes along, observe what he’s like with your friends. It’s not a secret that if a man is standing and talking, and a few women are looking at him, his attractiveness to women automatically goes up incredibly, studies have proved this, and it is in the subconscious female mind.
It’s a kind of ‘pre-selection’; ie: other women are willing to give him the time of day; other women like him, which means A LOT in the female mind when it comes to choosing the best man. It also helps you feel more secure choosing him.
3) He seeks approval. A big one.
Any man with a strong masculine energy will listen to a woman’s opinion, but take it in to consideration.
An alpha male is so strong in his choices; and he is so stable in his own choices that other people’s opinion only count for so much. HIS choices matter the most.
If he’s seeking approval from other women especially, then observe carefully.
The way I learned this was through my ex. This is a very extreme example. It’s almost….too weird to share. But I’m ok with that.
I used to have to reassure him that his jeans looked ok on him. Not once. Not even twice, and no, not thrree times, but over and over again! Yikes!
See, I know what a bad idea it is to be the man in a relationship when it isn’t natural for you (and it definitely wasn’t natural for me). No wonder I couldn’t stand him; I stayed because I didn’t know any better. AND because I thought it was cool to have everything ‘under control’. Thank Goodness I now know better. (read my article about how to get out of your painful relationship now)
4) He never knows where his keys and wallet are.
You can test this out with a (literal) and fun test, if you are far along enough in the dating process to be able to do this. Have his back turned to where his keys and wallet are and in a playful and excited voice; ask him: “without looking around, where are your keys? And also where is your watch?”
Are you wondering what this has to do with anything? Well; A LOT! Think about it….masculine energy is very directed. A man can’t be a hunter, or fight at war, or take charge of anything if his mind and eyes are lazy and wandering all over the place; he has to have some sort of direction.
I don’t care how long ago men were hunters; it is in their DNA, males have (over the course of millions and millions of years) trained themselves to properly and efficiently hunt.
And a man who is mostly living in his masculine energy and who has a strong masculine energy, will KNOW where he keeps his keys! Why? Because his keys are the reason he can GO or drive anywhere, in the direction he wants to go.
If he loses things all the time; do you feel good? Do you trust him? Or do you just think he’s cute?
Remember that masculine energy is directional – it knows where it’s going; and if it doesn’t, it finds out – or pretends to know, at least for that moment A man with a weaker masculine energy most of the time; won’t mind you telling him where to go, and he’ll relax and enjoy that. An alpha male or a very masculine man will probably ignore you instead if you tried. And thank goodness! Finally! A man you can respect!
5) The complainer. You already knew that in your gut though, didn’t you? The man who complains about work, about his boss, about his ex, about his mother, and his father.
The man who has a bad shoulder injury and goes on and on about it. Oh, and ENJOYS telling the story of how bad it is and how it happened over and over and over and over again.
Complaints complaints complaints.
So…..Where or when does he have any time to actually take the problem at hand and deal with it?
WELL! He’s not even looking to deal with the problem. He just wants to blurt a bunch of complaints out. Good for him! But maybe not so good for you if you want a passionate relationship with him!
Talking through things and being hurt and upset or even complaining is what you and I do together, as women, because our natural feminine instinct is not to solve any problems. Connection is the lifeblood of the feminine.
We just need to connect, talk, and 2 hours later; WAH-LA! We feel better, and it’s like that other problem didn’t exist. (what was the original problem again??)
The bounce returns to our step and we are ready to move on to the next thing. If a man is more towards the alpha male on a spectrum of Beta -> Alpha, then he will not complain, but rather, eliminate (move away from), or SOLVE the problem.
Not solving the problem makes him feel like less of a man.
I was happy to finally find a man who didn’t complain, after dating several men.
Looking at my husband’s personality, I cannot remember even once where he complained about anything. And of course, I adore him for it.
When I realised this about him; it was like a huge light bulb went off in my head (and in my heart); this taught me A LOT about the past men I dated, and how they were nothing compared to the man I have now.
Contrast, baby. Contrast.
And, the best thing about this is that I can trust him to be a man; so I can relax and be a woman. If you’re looking for a passionate relationship where you are taken care of, this is an important one, so look out for it!
Before I found my husband, men used to try to lure me in by telling me how bad their ex girlfriend was and how they don’t have enough sex and how their work is crap…and this is without me even asking; so their complaints were not really in context of an ongoing conversation!
They were random, inauthentic attempts to get my attention. No thanks! Next!
There are a lot of other indicators that a man is not an Alpha Male. Have you experienced any of these Signs with the men you’ve dated? Share it with us! Do you have any comments to add to the mix? Leave a comment below sharing it with us.
And one last thing: if you are looking for ways to screen out immature men, I give you all the right questions to ask a man to test him and how good his character is: http://understanding-men-live.com/