5 Signs He is NOT an Alpha Male

He is NOT an Alpha Male

The following are examples of what I feel an alpha male would not look like. Having said that…

Beware of these if you are in a Long-term Relationship!

If you are in a long term relationship right now, take these 5 indicators LIGHTLY. They do not hard core apply to YOU all the time, because when you spend THAT much time with someone, you realise that we all have moments where we slip in to different roles and he might have done something once or twice that indicated he was a beta male but really he isn’t. (Click here to complete the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?)

And that is normal, and natural and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just like you show up in your masculine energy sometimes, no matter how beautifully feminine or motherly you are 80% of the time.

If you’re dating…

This post is for you if you are single and dating and want a strong alpha male and want to sift through the men who perhaps won’t be that strength for you when you need him to be. I don’t know about you – but I know when I was dating, it was INCREDIBLY helpful to have signs to go by, before wasting time with someone who isn’t right for you.

What is an Alpha Male?

In today’s day and age, because most of us do not live in tribes anymore, the alpha male might not be as OBVIOUS, so that’s why I believe signs are more important.

Thousands (even millions) of years ago, it was obvious who the alpha male was; he was the guy who lead the tribe, who got the pick of ALL the women, and fathered most of the tribe’s population!

But of course, other men hated that because they didn’t get the opportunity to pass on their genes; one man commandeered all the female reproductive resources; so of course, the society we have today works MUCH better for most of us; where, for some of us, we can be UNEMPLOYED and still pass on our genes.

Hell, we can live off the government, be on drugs, and still Pass on our genes. Not good; but it still happens.

Yet; as a woman, you can feel whether a man is a dominant or submissive man, right?

Here is how I define an Alpha Male

In today’s day and age, signs that a man is an alpha male are signs that he has a strong masculine energy; that he is not afraid to be dominant and to hold his ground.

Just because a man is an alpha male doesn’t mean he can’t have a well developed feminine energy, too. Remember that! It’s simply because he’s more multi-dimensional.

Dominant, BUT in what Way?

Now for some men, they’ll be the ‘dominant asshole’, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it depends how he shows up as that asshole. And some women still like this type of man, and it works for them, which is great!

Or, you get the (rare) enlightened man who is spiritual and still very clearly alpha; or has a strong masculine energy. These men are rare; and it takes a well developed feminine energy to create attraction and develop a relationship with this type of man. (Get your “Goddess Report” here)

And sometimes, it’s hard to tell what man is what, so that’s where some indicators come in really handy!

Here are the 5 indicators that a man is not an Alpha Male:

1) When socializing and talking, he often talks in a way that puts other people down.

For me, there really is no faster indication that this man has a very weak masculine energy. Not only because he’s insecure, that’s not even half of the reason! The reason why this is a sure-fire indicator that a man is not an alpha male is because alpha males are far more centered and focused than that! In order to look to put others down indirectly or directly, it just shows his lack of ability to focus and the lack of direction in his life.

Men who have a sense of mission, and who are focused, don’t have the brain space to look for ways to gossip and TALK about how other people are less than, or are losers.

Plus, lengthy discussion and gossip is something women do. Look out for this one. I really can’t stand men who gossip in a way that puts other down; because I can feel their lack of authenticity.

Sure, sometimes we all have to gossip and maybe tell it like it is; but there’s a difference between telling it like it is and having most of what comes out of your mouth be a put down or criticism of other people. Gossip is a form of sharing of feminine energy – not a strong masculine energy.

2) Other women don’t pay attention, and aren’t interested in listening to him when he speaks.

An alpha male more often than not, has the ability to engage people and is not afraid to engage people. Always take a man out with some of your girlfriends. Firstly; if he cares about you; he won’t avoid it.

If he just wants sex, he’ll try to avoid it. If he comes along, observe what he’s like with your friends. It’s not a secret that if a man is standing and talking, and a few women are looking at him, his attractiveness to women automatically goes up incredibly, studies have proved this, and it is in the subconscious female mind.

It’s a kind of ‘pre-selection'; ie: other women are willing to give him the time of day; other women like him, which means A LOT in the female mind when it comes to choosing the best man. It also helps you feel more secure choosing him.

3) He seeks approval. A big one.

Any man with a strong masculine energy will listen to a woman’s opinion, but take it in to consideration.

An alpha male is so strong in his choices; and he is so stable in his own choices that other people’s opinion only count for so much. HIS choices matter the most.

If he’s seeking approval from other women especially, then observe carefully.

The way I learned this was through my ex. This is a very extreme example. It’s almost….too weird to share. But I’m ok with that.

I used to have to reassure him that his jeans looked ok on him. Not once. Not even twice, and no, not thrree times, but over and over again! Yikes!

See, I know what a bad idea it is to be the man in a relationship when it isn’t natural for you (and it definitely wasn’t natural for me). No wonder I couldn’t stand him; I stayed because I didn’t know any better. AND because I thought it was cool to have everything ‘under control’. Thank Goodness I now know better. (read my article about how to get out of your painful relationship now)

4) He never knows where his keys and wallet are.

You can test this out with a (literal) and fun test, if you are far along enough in the dating process to be able to do this. Have his back turned to where his keys and wallet are and in a playful and excited voice; ask him: “without looking around, where are your keys? And also where is your watch?”

Are you wondering what this has to do with anything? Well; A LOT! Think about it….masculine energy is very directed. A man can’t be a hunter, or fight at war, or take charge of anything if his mind and eyes are lazy and wandering all over the place; he has to have some sort of direction.

I don’t care how long ago men were hunters; it is in their DNA, males have (over the course of millions and millions of years) trained themselves to properly and efficiently hunt.

And a man who is mostly living in his masculine energy and who has a strong masculine energy, will KNOW where he keeps his keys! Why? Because his keys are the reason he can GO or drive anywhere, in the direction he wants to go.

If he loses things all the time; do you feel good? Do you trust him? Or do you just think he’s cute?

Remember that masculine energy is directional – it knows where it’s going; and if it doesn’t, it finds out – or pretends to know, at least for that moment :) A man with a weaker masculine energy most of the time; won’t mind you telling him where to go, and he’ll relax and enjoy that. An alpha male or a very masculine man will probably ignore you instead if you tried. And thank goodness! Finally! A man you can respect!

5) The complainer.

You already knew that in your gut though, didn’t you? The man who complains about work, about his boss, about his ex, about his mother, and his father.

The man who has a bad shoulder injury and goes on and on about it. Oh, and ENJOYS telling the story of how bad it is and how it happened over and over and over and over again.

Complaints complaints complaints.

So…..Where or when does he have any time to actually take the problem at hand and deal with it?

WELL! He’s not even looking to deal with the problem. He just wants to blurt a bunch of complaints out. Good for him! But maybe not so good for you if you want a passionate relationship with him!

Talking through things and being hurt and upset or even complaining is what you and I do together, as women, because our natural feminine instinct is not to solve any problems. Connection is the lifeblood of the feminine.

We just need to connect, talk, and 2 hours later; WAH-LA! We feel better, and it’s like that other problem didn’t exist. (what was the original problem again??)

The bounce returns to our step and we are ready to move on to the next thing. If a man is more towards the alpha male on a spectrum of Beta -> Alpha, then he will not complain, but rather, eliminate (move away from), or SOLVE the problem.

Not solving the problem makes him feel like less of a man.

I was happy to finally find a man who didn’t complain, after dating several men.

Looking at my husband’s personality, I cannot remember even once where he complained about anything.  And of course, I adore him for it.

When I realised this about him; it was like a huge light bulb went off in my head (and in my heart); this taught me A LOT about the past men I dated, and how they were nothing compared to the man I have now.

Contrast, baby. Contrast.

And, the best thing about this is that I can trust him to be a man; so I can relax and be a woman. If you’re looking for a passionate relationship where you are taken care of, this is an important one, so look out for it!

Before I found my husband, men used to try to lure me in by telling me how bad their ex girlfriend was and how they don’t have enough sex and how their work is crap…and this is without me even asking; so their complaints were not really in context of an ongoing conversation!

They were random, inauthentic attempts to get my attention. No thanks! Next!

There are a lot of other indicators that a man is not an Alpha Male. Have you experienced any of these Signs with the men you’ve dated? Share it with us! Do you have any comments to add to the mix? Leave a comment below sharing it with us. :)

And one last thing: if you are looking for ways to screen out immature men, I give you all the right questions to ask a man to test him and how good his character is, click here to check Understanding Men program.

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  • GammaMale

    Here’s a thought; stop trying to categorize the man in your life and yourself into socially popular media categories. Using the socially popular attitudes hasn’t helped much in other aspects of your life then why should they help in this one. What makes you think people selling books, talk shows, movies, etc.. have your best interest at heart before their own financial profit? Here’s a revelation; they don’t and they never did. Stop pretending!

    Men come in an infinite variety of styles, not just two.

    Really learn who you are.
    Go search out a man that fits well with your individual personality.

    Be extremely critical on this. If you repeatedly find the wrong man look at yourself first.

    If you find yourself suddenly talking to males of a different group start asking yourself what recent influences have occurred. Did you see a movie, hear a negative news story, someone made you feel guilty?

    Be sure you are not allowing a male near you based on a stranger’s desire. Those people are not you, don’t know you, and do not know what is best for you.

    Stop using their limiting, restrictive, false categories.
    Only you know what matches you.

  • Irene

    I have dated betas my entire life, which worked for me, because I am quite masculine myself. The main thing that turned me off to these men were the complaints. If I am able to maintain my life without complaining about the daily grind, daily, or seeking pity for my misfortunes and exhaustion and challenges, listening to a man be weaker –all the time– than me was just repulsive. Sure everyone complains when things get really hard or your ongoing exhaustion stresses you mentally out, you need a psychological release. However, the complaints were daily, throughout the day, every day. Rarely was there a “good day”, it was as though the complaints were the extent of the conversation skills.

    I date an alpha male now. He complains too, of course, like you said no one is masculine or feminine 100% of the time, but it isn’t ongoing. He has a problem, he concentrates on resolving it, not bitching about it. It’s actually pushed me to be an even STRONGER person, which I didn’t even think was possible. His strength pushes me to resolve my problems (even though he always wants to do that for me), rather than just live with them.

    Oh, also, that was really funny about the keys and wallet. I never thought about it but yes, he always knows exactly where they are, my father was like that too. He almost never talks down about a guy, unless he’s taking my side (defending me). Even movie stars and athletes, he looks up to them, he isn’t jealous. Women are very comfortable talking to him, both my friends and in his team sports and just shopping. He has dealt with jealousy from his exes his entire life because of this, ANY TIME I TURN AROUND HE IS TALKING TO SOME WOMAN!! It’s insane! Lucky for him I’m the same way, and I know it’s nothing. We are very attractive to the opposite genders, but we love each other and we’ve got that under our flirty belts.

    I’ve got to say Renee it was nicely outlined, but to be honest with you, the comment section was sadder than the article. An alpha male would have better things to do with his time….he is not accomplishing anything by airing his disgruntled feelings to us, they’re all just proving your point, that they aren’t focused on a greater goal and have spent their time on bitching, achieving nothing. They would garner more respect should they take that time and put it to something useful. Something that would produce results.

  • Happy

    It’s actually kind of funny reading comments from some Beta males about this article (let’s face it, if you are a male and you don’t like this article, you are probably a Beta!). A lot of the responses seem to be proving the articles point – that Betas are whiny and insecure. But I’m happy to say that I am a Beta male and I am proud of it! Life is too short to worry about such things, and it is truly a waste of time to try to change the person that you are inside.

    Another way to look at it: a lot of women want to date and marry an Alpha male. As a Beta male, isn’t it nice to know that that person is not interested in you from the start? Why would you want to date or marry someone who doesn’t find you the ideal mate? Different strokes for different folks I say!

    And if you are a Beta male and you are feeling blue reading this, then check this out-
    http://www.salon.com/2014/06/30/in_praise_of_the_beta_male/

  • carrina

    I see allot of contradiction coming from men’s activists on here. First, you don’t want to be emasculated, then when a woman actually advocates dominance you get up in arms? Come on now. We all have opinions. Try expressing yours without getting do upset.
    That being said, i recently found myself dating a very submissive man. He is all of the things you outlined here so I’m confused. Also, i hope tons of women aren’t too worried about alpha males. Subbies need love too. Funny. Lol. I was looking for a good Dom but found a perfect Sub. He’s amazing.

    • Hadassa

      These comments are so funny. Wow, there are some really angry men on here. Ladies, just protect yourself while you are dating. Don’t give up the cookie without his commitment ideally marriage and don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Make him earn you. The harder a man works to get you the harder he will work to keep you. He will appreciate you more for respecting yourself. Have some hobbies. Have a life outside of him so you are not always waiting for him to fill you up and make you happy. Go out with your girls, pamper yourselves, take a new fitness challenge, learn a new language. Let him be a slice of the pie in your life not the whole datgum pie! That will solve most of your problems right there :)