5 Signs He is NOT an Alpha Male

He is NOT an Alpha Male

The following are examples of what I feel an alpha male would not look like. Having said that…

Beware of these if you are in a Long-term Relationship!

If you are in a long term relationship right now, take these 5 indicators LIGHTLY. They do not hard core apply to YOU all the time, because when you spend THAT much time with someone, you realise that we all have moments where we slip in to different roles and he might have done something once or twice that indicated he was a beta male but really he isn’t. (Click here to complete the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?)

And that is normal, and natural and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just like you show up in your masculine energy sometimes, no matter how beautifully feminine or motherly you are 80% of the time.

If you’re dating…

This post is for you if you are single and dating and want a strong alpha male and want to sift through the men who perhaps won’t be that strength for you when you need him to be. I don’t know about you – but I know when I was dating, it was INCREDIBLY helpful to have signs to go by, before wasting time with someone who isn’t right for you.

What is an Alpha Male?

In today’s day and age, because most of us do not live in tribes anymore, the alpha male might not be as OBVIOUS, so that’s why I believe signs are more important.

Thousands (even millions) of years ago, it was obvious who the alpha male was; he was the guy who lead the tribe, who got the pick of ALL the women, and fathered most of the tribe’s population!

But of course, other men hated that because they didn’t get the opportunity to pass on their genes; one man commandeered all the female reproductive resources; so of course, the society we have today works MUCH better for most of us; where, for some of us, we can be UNEMPLOYED and still pass on our genes.

Hell, we can live off the government, be on drugs, and still Pass on our genes. Not good; but it still happens.

Yet; as a woman, you can feel whether a man is a dominant or submissive man, right?

Here is how I define an Alpha Male

In today’s day and age, signs that a man is an alpha male are signs that he has a strong masculine energy; that he is not afraid to be dominant and to hold his ground.

Just because a man is an alpha male doesn’t mean he can’t have a well developed feminine energy, too. Remember that! It’s simply because he’s more multi-dimensional.

Dominant, BUT in what Way?

Now for some men, they’ll be the ‘dominant asshole’, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it depends how he shows up as that asshole. And some women still like this type of man, and it works for them, which is great!

Or, you get the (rare) enlightened man who is spiritual and still very clearly alpha; or has a strong masculine energy. These men are rare; and it takes a well developed feminine energy to create attraction and develop a relationship with this type of man. (Get your “Goddess Report” here)

And sometimes, it’s hard to tell what man is what, so that’s where some indicators come in really handy!

Here are the 5 indicators that a man is not an Alpha Male:

1) When socializing and talking, he often talks in a way that puts other people down.

For me, there really is no faster indication that this man has a very weak masculine energy. Not only because he’s insecure, that’s not even half of the reason! The reason why this is a sure-fire indicator that a man is not an alpha male is because alpha males are far more centered and focused than that! In order to look to put others down indirectly or directly, it just shows his lack of ability to focus and the lack of direction in his life.

Men who have a sense of mission, and who are focused, don’t have the brain space to look for ways to gossip and TALK about how other people are less than, or are losers.

Plus, lengthy discussion and gossip is something women do. Look out for this one. I really can’t stand men who gossip in a way that puts other down; because I can feel their lack of authenticity.

Sure, sometimes we all have to gossip and maybe tell it like it is; but there’s a difference between telling it like it is and having most of what comes out of your mouth be a put down or criticism of other people. Gossip is a form of sharing of feminine energy – not a strong masculine energy.

2) Other women don’t pay attention, and aren’t interested in listening to him when he speaks.

An alpha male more often than not, has the ability to engage people and is not afraid to engage people. Always take a man out with some of your girlfriends. Firstly; if he cares about you; he won’t avoid it.

If he just wants sex, he’ll try to avoid it. If he comes along, observe what he’s like with your friends. It’s not a secret that if a man is standing and talking, and a few women are looking at him, his attractiveness to women automatically goes up incredibly, studies have proved this, and it is in the subconscious female mind.

It’s a kind of ‘pre-selection'; ie: other women are willing to give him the time of day; other women like him, which means A LOT in the female mind when it comes to choosing the best man. It also helps you feel more secure choosing him.

3) He seeks approval. A big one.

Any man with a strong masculine energy will listen to a woman’s opinion, but take it in to consideration.

An alpha male is so strong in his choices; and he is so stable in his own choices that other people’s opinion only count for so much. HIS choices matter the most.

If he’s seeking approval from other women especially, then observe carefully.

The way I learned this was through my ex. This is a very extreme example. It’s almost….too weird to share. But I’m ok with that.

I used to have to reassure him that his jeans looked ok on him. Not once. Not even twice, and no, not thrree times, but over and over again! Yikes!

See, I know what a bad idea it is to be the man in a relationship when it isn’t natural for you (and it definitely wasn’t natural for me). No wonder I couldn’t stand him; I stayed because I didn’t know any better. AND because I thought it was cool to have everything ‘under control’. Thank Goodness I now know better. (read my article about how to get out of your painful relationship now)

4) He never knows where his keys and wallet are.

You can test this out with a (literal) and fun test, if you are far along enough in the dating process to be able to do this. Have his back turned to where his keys and wallet are and in a playful and excited voice; ask him: “without looking around, where are your keys? And also where is your watch?”

Are you wondering what this has to do with anything? Well; A LOT! Think about it….masculine energy is very directed. A man can’t be a hunter, or fight at war, or take charge of anything if his mind and eyes are lazy and wandering all over the place; he has to have some sort of direction.

I don’t care how long ago men were hunters; it is in their DNA, males have (over the course of millions and millions of years) trained themselves to properly and efficiently hunt.

And a man who is mostly living in his masculine energy and who has a strong masculine energy, will KNOW where he keeps his keys! Why? Because his keys are the reason he can GO or drive anywhere, in the direction he wants to go.

If he loses things all the time; do you feel good? Do you trust him? Or do you just think he’s cute?

Remember that masculine energy is directional – it knows where it’s going; and if it doesn’t, it finds out – or pretends to know, at least for that moment :) A man with a weaker masculine energy most of the time; won’t mind you telling him where to go, and he’ll relax and enjoy that. An alpha male or a very masculine man will probably ignore you instead if you tried. And thank goodness! Finally! A man you can respect!

5) The complainer.

You already knew that in your gut though, didn’t you? The man who complains about work, about his boss, about his ex, about his mother, and his father.

The man who has a bad shoulder injury and goes on and on about it. Oh, and ENJOYS telling the story of how bad it is and how it happened over and over and over and over again.

Complaints complaints complaints.

So…..Where or when does he have any time to actually take the problem at hand and deal with it?

WELL! He’s not even looking to deal with the problem. He just wants to blurt a bunch of complaints out. Good for him! But maybe not so good for you if you want a passionate relationship with him!

Talking through things and being hurt and upset or even complaining is what you and I do together, as women, because our natural feminine instinct is not to solve any problems. Connection is the lifeblood of the feminine.

We just need to connect, talk, and 2 hours later; WAH-LA! We feel better, and it’s like that other problem didn’t exist. (what was the original problem again??)

The bounce returns to our step and we are ready to move on to the next thing. If a man is more towards the alpha male on a spectrum of Beta -> Alpha, then he will not complain, but rather, eliminate (move away from), or SOLVE the problem.

Not solving the problem makes him feel like less of a man.

I was happy to finally find a man who didn’t complain, after dating several men.

Looking at my husband’s personality, I cannot remember even once where he complained about anything.  And of course, I adore him for it.

When I realised this about him; it was like a huge light bulb went off in my head (and in my heart); this taught me A LOT about the past men I dated, and how they were nothing compared to the man I have now.

Contrast, baby. Contrast.

And, the best thing about this is that I can trust him to be a man; so I can relax and be a woman. If you’re looking for a passionate relationship where you are taken care of, this is an important one, so look out for it!

Before I found my husband, men used to try to lure me in by telling me how bad their ex girlfriend was and how they don’t have enough sex and how their work is crap…and this is without me even asking; so their complaints were not really in context of an ongoing conversation!

They were random, inauthentic attempts to get my attention. No thanks! Next!

There are a lot of other indicators that a man is not an Alpha Male. Have you experienced any of these Signs with the men you’ve dated? Share it with us! Do you have any comments to add to the mix? Leave a comment below sharing it with us. :)

And one last thing: if you are looking for ways to screen out immature men, I give you all the right questions to ask a man to test him and how good his character is, click here to check Understanding Men program.



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  • James

    Reply Reply February 25, 2015

    Someone write something like this about women please, the comments would be far more amusing to read(what with the whole sexist thing at all) I see what your saying even if i dont agree with some of them (not knowing where his keys are all the time? really?) i think someone needs to remind all the guys getting edgy about it and the girls who take it as a gospel, that this is an opinion piece, on the internet…. the INTERNET people. Relax. Guys, disagree? Prove her wrong. Girls, if you cant think for yourself a bit unless its posted on the web, please dont date me.

    • Chris

      Reply Reply March 2, 2015

      I’m afraid I agree with Renee, James. A true alpha male solves problems, breaks through barriers, sees failures as a path to success, is attentive of others while remaining confident and emotionally centred in himself. Men who get overly angry, whine about little things and throw hissy-fits and see problems rather than solutions are beta-males and do not attract women of high quality. Sure sometimes shit happens and it throws us off our game, but a ‘real man’ stays emotionally centred for the majority of his day/life. Peace.

  • Brandon

    Reply Reply February 23, 2015

    I’m an alpha… I get lazy, I get depressed, I get angry.

    The key is to STAY YOU when you feel those ways, don’t allow those emotions to conquer your life.

  • TheWingman

    Reply Reply January 27, 2015

    I don’t understand why the author wrote such a long article, she could have just written:
    “He is not perfect, he is not an alpha male” I’m not perfect, I sometimes seek approval, I sometimes put other people down, get depressed, get angry, lazy, and other non alpha stuff like that and I don’t give a damn of what stupid women think if I’m alpha or not. Intelligent women can see true value in inperfect men, stupid one are just attracted by supperfical alpha traits that most of the time lack athenticity and are just what make up is for women, just some pimping.

    • Paul Lewis

      Reply Reply February 13, 2015

      Excellent comment, TheWingman. This whole conceptualization of “alpha” and “beta” characteristics is shallow and unfounded. Humans are far too complex to quantify in simply two categories of people, and the vast majority of males have positive and negative traits. Implying that a woman should break up with someone she cares about because he doesn’t demonstrate perfect masculine qualities all the time is bullshit. Truthfully, someone who embodied the characteristics that were considered positive in this article seems like they would be a self centered douchebag. Also, the point about not being able to find your keys at all times is complete hogwash pseudoscience where the author made a totally false conclusion based on a flawed understanding of evolutionary psychology and human nature. Want to hear some real evolutionary psychology? The “true” alpha male’s goal is to pass on their genetics to as many women as possible. As a result, this means that they are far more likely to cheat, and less likely to stay around and possibly raise their offspring. Yet the article states that these are the type of men considered ideal partners? Laughable.

      • Matthias

        Reply Reply February 28, 2015

        I know one thing: players (alpha males) have way more success with women than needy guys (beta males). If you just look around you, you know that’s the painful truth. Alpha males are better lovers than beta males for sure, women will go crazy for them. But beta males are better husbands and fathers for their children. So yeah most women chose a beta male as husband and most of the time cheat on him with an alpha male. Others have an open relationship with an alpha male and don’t get children or married.

  • Paul

    Reply Reply January 18, 2015

    Hi Renee,

    I am very impressed with this website. I have been properly seeking a website that i can direct my female friends to, to learn more about themselves and their own femininity. I am a Man who is Truly getting in touch with his Masculine core and can appreciate fully the work you are doing!

    Well done. and keep up the Great work!


  • Kim

    Reply Reply January 16, 2015

    I am blessed to be married to an Alpha male. I have been for many years. I can say with all confidence, Rene, that the things you have written are true. This is a good check list for dating. I wish all young women would pay heed, and learn the difference between psuedo alphas, true alphas, and betas. Not all women are cut out for a relationship with an alpha, but it is good to be informed of ones choices.

    One other thought on Alphas: Over time, other qualities reveal themselves; qualities such as loyalty, compassion, absolute sense of personal responsiblity, honesty.

    My son is also an alpha male. He has these same qualities.

    Not to be ugly, but Edward’s comment about an alpha man exchanging women as one would socks is…incorrect.

  • Edward

    Reply Reply January 12, 2015

    A true alpha does NOT require women. They buzz around him, constantly–offering themselves to him at every opportunity. He seeks power, security, and a stronger pack. Women overvalue themselves exponentially, and very few make the cut when it comes time to choose. The alpha usually settles on a female that will give him a legacy. She will be THE most beautiful and fertile and have naturally occurring care-giver traits for child rearing. All of her other qualities (career, degrees, lifestyle) are inconsequential. She is also interchangeable for younger, thinner at ANY time. Because he’s Alpha. Anything else is considered beta or a fairytale.
    Try not to die alone. I hear it’s really easy in this era of self-entitlement.

    • Kim Kinser

      Reply Reply January 16, 2015

      Edward, I almost thought you actually knew what you were posting about, until you said that women are interchangeable. Interchangeable? Really, dude?

      A true Alpha is intensely loyal, highly self -aware (not self-absorbed, self -aware) and deeply pragmatic. He is goal centered, focused, and realizes exchanging
      females, throwing one off for another, is contrary to the goals of order, stabilty, and “legacy”, all highly valued
      constructs of the Alpha.

      Interchanging women is messy, expensive and unnecessary. My Alpha creates an environment where I was able and motivated to take good care of myself, so I am still beautiful, vibrant and healthy at 54…he says I am as hot today as the day we met, and together we can enjoy our legacy…4 beautiful, healthy grandchildren.

      Stop, Edward, spreading misinformation about alpha males. It scares women away, because they fear being abandoned by alphas, when truly, it is the weaker beta that are far more likely to seek pathetic approval or cheap thrills with “younger, thinner” women. Real Alpha men love powerfully, deeply, and fathfully.

      I should know. ;)

      together we enjoy our grandchildren.

  • veronicadiall

    Reply Reply January 7, 2015

    I guess that this is an expansion on the first point. But blowhards and guys who need to brag. Men with anger issues, bullies and guys who like to throw their weight around what I call ‘Huff and Puff’. Are not Alpha males

  • Amado

    Reply Reply January 5, 2015

    I’ve never been too fond of the alpha, beta male thing. I find it such a vain way of categorizing men. I don’t think I could be interested for very long in a woman who filters potential mates through the alpha/beta/gamma/delta detector.

    Basically because alphas can be real assholes. Both men and women. Possessive, not being capable of being led by somebody else but instead wanting to oust the leader and impose their own views, they may lack understanding or compromising ability, etc.

    In any case, I don’t do much any of those “indicators of a non alpha”, but instead the opposite. But I know if I were a woman I wouldn’t be looking at indicators of alphahood. As a man I don’t particularly fancy alpha women. They normally entail a lot of work and patience. No matter how good looking they are.

    • Amado

      Reply Reply January 5, 2015

      Oh, just read the name of the website.
      I am probably not into very feminine women altogether. Paris Hilton, Victoria Beckham and the like.

  • Kyle McKenna

    Reply Reply December 10, 2014

    Actually, this list rings pretty true. I’m going to use it as a guide for what to watch out for in myself.

  • Sharon

    Reply Reply December 1, 2014

    Alphas are a complete mystery and do vary enormously, the truest thing I’ve read here is:

    “Or, you get the (rare) enlightened man who is spiritual and still very clearly alpha; or has a strong masculine energy. These men are rare”

    These Alphas are the ones that really keep you on your toes and don’t fit at all well into your ‘things to look for’ in my opinion. It’s because you can’t work them out easily and respect there prowess in a variety of fields that they can ultimately walk through all your defences, take control and before you know it you’re the submissive the teenage version of you could never foresee. One way that these alphas are irresistible as these rare ones take control by way of the power of love, they’ll fix you emotionally with a mixture of what I would describe as dominant patience, offer fierce loyalty and love in exchange for the same and un-selfishly somehow read your mind and drop you in the perfect life. I don’t know how my partner has done it all these years. When we met I was a pretty yet moody aggressive cow, who loved him but constantly tried to assert authority over him. It’s a battle I lost and ultimately I became a more wise and submissive partner to him but at the same time I know how far he’ll go when it comes to compromising and I know what decisions I’ll be given the final say about. Whether you fall in love with an alpha or beta type, be prepared for the compromises.

  • Lee

    Reply Reply November 28, 2014

    Renee-I get what you were trying to say. My recent Ex was like this. We were in an on again now off relationship that was very exhausting as I could never talk to him with him getting highly angry and upset. He put others down and turned on me when I ever spoke my mind or disagreed with him- crazy! And yes he complained- about near everything – drove me nuts.
    And yes at first I fell for the poor me line but after a while- it made him seem very un-attractive.

  • buddyugly2277

    Reply Reply November 20, 2014

    I don’t know if u can keep up with ur car keys makes u alpha but more so responsible alpha is a leader of a pack the most dominant physically and mentally,in today’s society that can only be judged in gathers such as prison,sports things of that nature cause I know plenty of pussys who can keep up with there keys and act a certain way when it comes to emotions but when with a pack of males that won’t hold true for them far as the leader. Silverback is the alpha of the pack to the gorillas cause physically he can woop that ass when it’s time so lady’s don’t go looking for the guy that can keep up with his car keys r can not complain about pain and life issues to go and protect ur ass when it’s time u might be in for a suprise

  • Little miss angry

    Reply Reply November 12, 2014

    Hey Renee

    I’m so glad that you put this up!! I just took so much shit from a man, it was unberleiverbly painful and I don’t know why I took it, but I did and was totally miserable during the process.

    You know, some of them can give it out but they can’t take it back, so thought I really can’t and don’t want to take anymore as I’m trying to get myself well anyway.

    Honestly, it’s the least he deserves and hope that he’ll read the text and think!

    He seemed to devalue women anyway as he was slagging off one of the neighbours, saying that she had a fat ass. Just a pur on d***k really.

    Thankfully I can now move on with my life as I told him to F off and to go F**k himself as he hasn’t got anything I want anyways.

    Just me and my little girl for the time being, and it’s these tribulations that strengthens the bond with my daughter – who’s nearly 5 years in age ♡.

    The understanding men programme really helped btw in not getting my feelings caugut up in a man that was trying to use and abuse. Although I didn’t open my body up to him as was too scared anyway.

    • Tommy

      Reply Reply November 19, 2014

      Questions to the author for each of the five indicators:

      1) What if the situation is that another male is being a pest with the intention of making the other male look or feel bad, or stupid? The very fact that a man would challenge another man in this way, I feel opens the floor if more tactful ways of defusing the situation have failed. It’s not healthy to be a doormat, or have others watch you being belittled.

      2) Why can’t a female be strong minded enough to exercise more self-awareness and stop depending on the pack to give them the okay to feel anyway towards anyone? A good guy could be around a handful of feminazi’s who ignore his existence due to his lake of servitude, or because he speaks his mind and won’t remain quite and bullied.

      3)You say that the strong silent type are preferred, but at the drop of a hat when you don’t see eye to eye, he then turns into a jerk, and you into the doe-eyed damsel. No matter how involved in the communication process he is during a relationship, if it doesn’t go the woman’s way then say good by to the love for the Alpha, or submissive. Somehow men are expected to be the girlfriend as well as the brute at the whim of the woman, and that is simply asking for too much.

      4) Really? A Forgetful Jones tells you all about his abilities to function in other capacities? That is like saying that when a woman doesn’t no what she is talking about that she is a complete idiot.

      5) Complaining? Are you serious? Oh, please tell me what else we have no business doing. Sounds like you want domestic discipline without the heavy hand. And what about the societal phenomenon that praises military action, but looks down on an individual man teaching someone a lesson? Provocation isn’t looked down upon, in fact it’s the primary tool used by people these days because they know that they aren’t allowed to be touched. Violence is a no-no, so what are men left with? Complaining isn’t all that bad because there is a difference between that and whining. If a man could improve his situation how he wanted to then I bet you would hear little complaining, but we have our hands tied. Females being fork-tongued and vicious doesn’t put anyone in the hospital, so that is still okay (never mind the psychological and emotional abuse it causes).

      • Renee Wade

        Reply Reply November 20, 2014

        Hi Tommy, I’m quoting you:

        “You say that the strong silent type are preferred, but at the drop of a hat when you don’t see eye to eye, he then turns into a jerk, and you into the doe-eyed damsel.”

        You’re getting hooked. And you’re losing because you’re getting hooked.

        No problem with it really though…we all get hooked.

  • Kevin

    Reply Reply October 26, 2014

    This article paints alpha males as near robots who should possess little if any self doubt and who should just charge ahead with little regard for others’ (especially a partner’s) input. Categorizing men as either alpha or beta is another problem as one woman’s alpha is another’s beta and vice versa. Men are not just leaders or followers, alpha or beta, strong or weak. I’m a 32 year old guy and I don’t think I’ve ever met a male who met your criteria for an alpha. It’s just too simplistic; too black and white. All people I’ve known, both men and women, have had alpha and beta traits, moments of strength and weakness, and areas in life/work where they were better suited to following and others where they were better suited to leading.

  • Maia

    Reply Reply October 23, 2014

    I think a lot of people are misunderstanding this article. It’s a touchy topic. I have encountered strutting, narcissistic man-children who couldn’t accept responsibility for anything (which is what a few of you think Renee is describing in this article) and I have encountered inwardly strong, kind, directed, aware MEN (which I think is what she is actually talking about!). I am engaged to one of them :) Yeah, it may seem stupid to judge a guy by whether he can find his car keys one time, but weirdly, my man always knows where they are and thinks it’s hilarious that I have to root in my purse for 30+ seconds before I can find mine.

    A man can open his feelings up, but I think what Renee is talking about by complaining is WHINING. Trying to garner pity and sympathy and have people pat him on the head and say, “Poor little baby,” when an alpha male would cut himself, stub his toe, or whatever, cuss a bit, and then get back to his day. He may MENTION it later in conversation, but there’s a totally different energy behind the mentioning. It’s very matter of fact.

    Also, I think an alpha male would never think to CALL himself one. ;) He just is himself.

  • Ryan

    Reply Reply September 26, 2014


    Awesome job, you nailed it. This is coming from a man, and a man that highly respects women that are conscious about their own femininity and man’s masculinity.

    Good job, you’re going to have a happy life.

    – Ryan

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