5 Signs He is NOT an Alpha Male

He is NOT an Alpha Male

The following are examples of what I feel an alpha male would not look like. Having said that…

Beware of these if you are in a Long-term Relationship!

If you are in a long term relationship right now, take these 5 indicators LIGHTLY. They do not hard core apply to YOU all the time, because when you spend THAT much time with someone, you realise that we all have moments where we slip in to different roles and he might have done something once or twice that indicated he was a beta male but really he isn’t. (Click here to complete the quiz “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?)

And that is normal, and natural and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just like you show up in your masculine energy sometimes, no matter how beautifully feminine or motherly you are 80% of the time.

If you’re dating…

This post is for you if you are single and dating and want a strong alpha male and want to sift through the men who perhaps won’t be that strength for you when you need him to be. I don’t know about you – but I know when I was dating, it was INCREDIBLY helpful to have signs to go by, before wasting time with someone who isn’t right for you.

What is an Alpha Male?

In today’s day and age, because most of us do not live in tribes anymore, the alpha male might not be as OBVIOUS, so that’s why I believe signs are more important.

Thousands (even millions) of years ago, it was obvious who the alpha male was; he was the guy who lead the tribe, who got the pick of ALL the women, and fathered most of the tribe’s population!

But of course, other men hated that because they didn’t get the opportunity to pass on their genes; one man commandeered all the female reproductive resources; so of course, the society we have today works MUCH better for most of us; where, for some of us, we can be UNEMPLOYED and still pass on our genes.

Hell, we can live off the government, be on drugs, and still Pass on our genes. Not good; but it still happens.

Yet; as a woman, you can feel whether a man is a dominant or submissive man, right?

Here is how I define an Alpha Male

In today’s day and age, signs that a man is an alpha male are signs that he has a strong masculine energy; that he is not afraid to be dominant and to hold his ground.

Just because a man is an alpha male doesn’t mean he can’t have a well developed feminine energy, too. Remember that! It’s simply because he’s more multi-dimensional.

Dominant, BUT in what Way?

Now for some men, they’ll be the ‘dominant asshole’, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it depends how he shows up as that asshole. And some women still like this type of man, and it works for them, which is great!

Or, you get the (rare) enlightened man who is spiritual and still very clearly alpha; or has a strong masculine energy. These men are rare; and it takes a well developed feminine energy to create attraction and develop a relationship with this type of man. (Get your “Goddess Report” here)

And sometimes, it’s hard to tell what man is what, so that’s where some indicators come in really handy!

Here are the 5 indicators that a man is not an Alpha Male:

1) When socializing and talking, he often talks in a way that puts other people down.

For me, there really is no faster indication that this man has a very weak masculine energy. Not only because he’s insecure, that’s not even half of the reason! The reason why this is a sure-fire indicator that a man is not an alpha male is because alpha males are far more centered and focused than that! In order to look to put others down indirectly or directly, it just shows his lack of ability to focus and the lack of direction in his life.

Men who have a sense of mission, and who are focused, don’t have the brain space to look for ways to gossip and TALK about how other people are less than, or are losers.

Plus, lengthy discussion and gossip is something women do. Look out for this one. I really can’t stand men who gossip in a way that puts other down; because I can feel their lack of authenticity.

Sure, sometimes we all have to gossip and maybe tell it like it is; but there’s a difference between telling it like it is and having most of what comes out of your mouth be a put down or criticism of other people. Gossip is a form of sharing of feminine energy – not a strong masculine energy.

2) Other women don’t pay attention, and aren’t interested in listening to him when he speaks.

An alpha male more often than not, has the ability to engage people and is not afraid to engage people. Always take a man out with some of your girlfriends. Firstly; if he cares about you; he won’t avoid it.

If he just wants sex, he’ll try to avoid it. If he comes along, observe what he’s like with your friends. It’s not a secret that if a man is standing and talking, and a few women are looking at him, his attractiveness to women automatically goes up incredibly, studies have proved this, and it is in the subconscious female mind.

It’s a kind of ‘pre-selection'; ie: other women are willing to give him the time of day; other women like him, which means A LOT in the female mind when it comes to choosing the best man. It also helps you feel more secure choosing him.

3) He seeks approval. A big one.

Any man with a strong masculine energy will listen to a woman’s opinion, but take it in to consideration.

An alpha male is so strong in his choices; and he is so stable in his own choices that other people’s opinion only count for so much. HIS choices matter the most.

If he’s seeking approval from other women especially, then observe carefully.

The way I learned this was through my ex. This is a very extreme example. It’s almost….too weird to share. But I’m ok with that.

I used to have to reassure him that his jeans looked ok on him. Not once. Not even twice, and no, not thrree times, but over and over again! Yikes!

See, I know what a bad idea it is to be the man in a relationship when it isn’t natural for you (and it definitely wasn’t natural for me). No wonder I couldn’t stand him; I stayed because I didn’t know any better. AND because I thought it was cool to have everything ‘under control’. Thank Goodness I now know better. (read my article about how to get out of your painful relationship now)

4) He never knows where his keys and wallet are.

You can test this out with a (literal) and fun test, if you are far along enough in the dating process to be able to do this. Have his back turned to where his keys and wallet are and in a playful and excited voice; ask him: “without looking around, where are your keys? And also where is your watch?”

Are you wondering what this has to do with anything? Well; A LOT! Think about it….masculine energy is very directed. A man can’t be a hunter, or fight at war, or take charge of anything if his mind and eyes are lazy and wandering all over the place; he has to have some sort of direction.

I don’t care how long ago men were hunters; it is in their DNA, males have (over the course of millions and millions of years) trained themselves to properly and efficiently hunt.

And a man who is mostly living in his masculine energy and who has a strong masculine energy, will KNOW where he keeps his keys! Why? Because his keys are the reason he can GO or drive anywhere, in the direction he wants to go.

If he loses things all the time; do you feel good? Do you trust him? Or do you just think he’s cute?

Remember that masculine energy is directional – it knows where it’s going; and if it doesn’t, it finds out – or pretends to know, at least for that moment :) A man with a weaker masculine energy most of the time; won’t mind you telling him where to go, and he’ll relax and enjoy that. An alpha male or a very masculine man will probably ignore you instead if you tried. And thank goodness! Finally! A man you can respect!

5) The complainer.

You already knew that in your gut though, didn’t you? The man who complains about work, about his boss, about his ex, about his mother, and his father.

The man who has a bad shoulder injury and goes on and on about it. Oh, and ENJOYS telling the story of how bad it is and how it happened over and over and over and over again.

Complaints complaints complaints.

So…..Where or when does he have any time to actually take the problem at hand and deal with it?

WELL! He’s not even looking to deal with the problem. He just wants to blurt a bunch of complaints out. Good for him! But maybe not so good for you if you want a passionate relationship with him!

Talking through things and being hurt and upset or even complaining is what you and I do together, as women, because our natural feminine instinct is not to solve any problems. Connection is the lifeblood of the feminine.

We just need to connect, talk, and 2 hours later; WAH-LA! We feel better, and it’s like that other problem didn’t exist. (what was the original problem again??)

The bounce returns to our step and we are ready to move on to the next thing. If a man is more towards the alpha male on a spectrum of Beta -> Alpha, then he will not complain, but rather, eliminate (move away from), or SOLVE the problem.

Not solving the problem makes him feel like less of a man.

I was happy to finally find a man who didn’t complain, after dating several men.

Looking at my husband’s personality, I cannot remember even once where he complained about anything.  And of course, I adore him for it.

When I realised this about him; it was like a huge light bulb went off in my head (and in my heart); this taught me A LOT about the past men I dated, and how they were nothing compared to the man I have now.

Contrast, baby. Contrast.

And, the best thing about this is that I can trust him to be a man; so I can relax and be a woman. If you’re looking for a passionate relationship where you are taken care of, this is an important one, so look out for it!

Before I found my husband, men used to try to lure me in by telling me how bad their ex girlfriend was and how they don’t have enough sex and how their work is crap…and this is without me even asking; so their complaints were not really in context of an ongoing conversation!

They were random, inauthentic attempts to get my attention. No thanks! Next!

There are a lot of other indicators that a man is not an Alpha Male. Have you experienced any of these Signs with the men you’ve dated? Share it with us! Do you have any comments to add to the mix? Leave a comment below sharing it with us. :)

And one last thing: if you are looking for ways to screen out immature men, I give you all the right questions to ask a man to test him and how good his character is, click here to check Understanding Men program.

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282 Comments

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  • C D

    Reply Reply September 7, 2014

    Too hard to characterize what the modern day “alpha” male is…. Though i agree with certain traits.

    To me the following traits define “what i believe” a man should be :

    -Aspiring to achieve a physical strength that his genetic potential will best allow
    -Treats others with respect
    -Listens to advice of others HOWEVER always makes his own choice.
    -Accepts the consequences of his actions and apologises when he is at fault.
    -Honest (not selective honesty… Feels no need to Lie all the time)
    -Will take what he wants in life and uses actions to back his words.
    – A gentleman but not a push over. Will not compromise his views however will not tear down someone for having opposing views.
    -Does not need to degrade others to feel better about himself.
    -Does not have a temper, does not need to yell nor get aggressive to get his point across.
    -Protects his family.
    -Generally does not care too much over what others think of him.
    -Does not chase women or sex
    -Doesnt complain about a problem, rather finds a solution
    -Invests emotion into what he feels is worth investing into.

    My views, Im a man and to me this is what i think a man should aspire to be.

  • rawr

    Reply Reply September 3, 2014

    be careful with shaming men for voicing their issues, calling it complaining. a large number of men are severely repressed emotionally because they are told from early childhood that their problems are insignificant and no one wants to hear about them. i’m under the assumption that you would like a fully actualized man, and not a walking stone.

  • bob

    Reply Reply August 28, 2014

    They say that an alpha male is based on a women’s desires, not the desire’s of nature. Yet men who could care less about women are more successful with them by removing there power over them.

  • robert

    Reply Reply August 25, 2014

    yesterday I had sex with my wife in the afternoon and she cooked a tasty chicken and potatoes meal for me then att midnight i met my fuckbuddy had sex again and did some coke, well i am doing coke and texting my fb now while my wife,I dont care what you think of me but i am damn sure i am an alpha male and if there is something above in the class i am in that range !!!

  • Adele

    Reply Reply August 25, 2014

    This article is spot on. I dated a guy who had all 5 non-Alpha traits and over the course of a few months it became a real-turn off. I would try to encourage him to be more masculine in subtle ways, but I think his personality is set. He’s already 25. That unfocused aspect to the personality, I have witnessed directly. In college classes there would be guys who were physically attractive but who just did not attract me. They tended to be those “complainer” types, who put people down and gossiped. And guess what, they would be upset that they didn’t attract the most desirable women, and disrespect those women and basically try to terrorize her till she crumbles. Oh and these types are the masters of subtle, passive-aggressive, backhanded put-downs. Their favorite is, “It’s all downhill when ya turn 30″. I wonder what they think of George Clooney’s new fiance, practically a grandma at age 37. A famous bachelor went for someone who clearly has more to bring to the table than fleeting youth.

  • Cai Davies

    Reply Reply August 15, 2014

    Alpha Male is a complete myth, and this post just explains what kind of man your into. You touch on something which is a personality trait for one like the extroverted and introverted thing, you say having more social skills is more alpha whilst someone who is not as social not alpha, look at it this way some people thing as alpha males being tall, muscular and a winner, then there’s someone small, skinny and butt ugly but then guy who is tall, muscular and a winner is also stunningly good looking as well but just suck in socially and the small skinny guy who is also unemployed by the way is just awesome socially has way more friends than the muscular guy but the muscular guy just likes solitude. Now which one is more alpha? I’d say the muscular guy, but it depends on what makes you attracted to them! what I’m saying is that everybody is different and different value’s, what you will find alpha will be completely different what another person will thing. Here’s another example a completely narcissistic guy who just want sex with women, he is a leader, a charmer, good looking, he’s unemployed though in and out of jobs but his social skills is just immaculate, sleeps around 100’s of women a year and he is brave and just funny as.. but one of the woman want’s a relationship with him.. but he doesn’t do relationships but that when values don’t match and this is why you should maybe overlook some traits what you said is an alpha male because nobody is perfect and value’s collide all the time, in search for someone like Mr. Big or that guy that perfect guy doesn’t exist and it usually exists in the head I’m afraid. I have a girlfriend now, I’m not the alpha male what you described but I’m myself and she is attracted to that! we all are different and have different natures and if we wasn’t as different then this world would not be the place as it is now..

  • Vicki

    Reply Reply August 15, 2014

    Hi just wondering about this guy I know he has a crush on me but will never make a move I think from reading this he isn’t alpha at all is this a complete waste of time or

    should I make the first move and see where it go’s?

    Do you think its possible to be satisfied by a beta male?

    Once I got him to talk about his type and got him to admit he finds me attractive and I started talking about my things I like and he asked me if penis size matters to me and most women I told him its not how big it is but its how you use it, but to be honest I think it does matter.

    should I have told him the truth?

    why do you think he asked?

    do you think its possible he is above average but insecure or do you think its more than likely he is a tad on the small side?

    I am pretty sure I could deal with it if that were true but if he was ridiculously small that would be a deal breaker for sure.

    Do you know anyway I could find out before sleeping with him?

    I thought about this a lot as size really does matter I considered making out with him and just sticking my hand down his pants and deciding from there if he is larger than 5 inches I probably wouldn’t complain and go all the way but this is all speculation as we haven’t gotten a chance to do this yet.

    I am considering him as a serious relationship but also worried it wont work out if he cant please me as a man he is just such a nice guy and we are good friends and I don’t want to ruin it.

    I know I want him in my life and I am attracted to him but I think if he was man enough he would of taken the first move by now.

    should I make a move or flirt with him and see if he bites?

    If so any good tips on testing him out? (flirting teasing etc.)

    If he can’t make a move on me after I make sure I know I arouse him then that is probably going to end up being a big turn off and I will probably just keep him as a friend.

    I know he likes me cause he does buy me meals and has bought me games and albums online and even bought me a new lcd monitor when I said I hated my old one. I don’t want to use him but it seems to please him to please me and I am happy if he is happy but, the fact he does this but can’t flirt back or make a move kind of makes me think of him more as just a nice guy and I think of him less sexually than when I first met him.

    I am pretty sure I haven’t confused him but never directly told him I find him attractive or that I would sleep with him.

  • Kimi

    Reply Reply August 13, 2014

    No one like a bitchy complaining man. I’ve known a few…hate it. So stop acting like a female. It’s ok to have a little femininity. Some men take over and their insecure nature shows immediately. My ex is a prime example. Loves pity parties and talking down about anyone he can. This included his immediate family and friends. Meanwhile he didn’t have his act together. That’s why he is an EX! YUCK!

  • Michael

    Reply Reply August 11, 2014

    Is that your reply

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply August 11, 2014

      LOL Michael, I got your comment. This site is designed to connect with women. Replying to comments from men don’t help me help women; at least not most of the time.

      Sometimes what men say has value, at other times, it doesn’t.

      How you saw this article is relevant, but in your world as a man only – it’s not really relevant to how it connects with women and gets women talking. Thanks though, you are kind.

      • Michael

        Reply Reply August 14, 2014

        Yeah I understand that renee but surely for a woman to understand a man she needs to know how the man or men feel to other wise it would be a one sided view and the same with men. Men assume things about women in all types of situations but are usually wrong that’s why it’s good to know both sides of views. Anyway I enjoyed your article is was a good read. Good luck with everything. And kimi anyone can be insecure and if you see that in a person then try and help them. But if they are just a ass in the end they will always get what they deserve like your EX !! Lol

  • titi

    Reply Reply August 6, 2014

    Hi, It seems I am not an alpha male, indeed, I do not answer any of your 5 indicators…
    So, what I am ?

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply August 7, 2014

      Well, I’m sure you do answer my indicators, to some degree. Anyway, who you are is up to you to decide as a man. This article was designed to connect with women, so ignore me :)

  • Craig

    Reply Reply July 30, 2014

    I think a lot of the information in the article is accurate. Especially the complaining. The problem with the article is that it does not clearly state what an alpha male is. People not aware of the term may get alpha male confused with someone who is just a jerk. Maybe write a seperate piece on a true alpha male mindset.

    also, Renee you should change your picture. In the picture you have as your avatar the microphone looks very much like a phalus.

  • Simon

    Reply Reply July 30, 2014

    So why is it that today’s interaction between men and women have to be all about overexamination and judgement? It’s as if you can’t let your guard down for a second otherwise you’re downgraded to another class. What happened to just being able to relax with someone without having to worry about all these constant red flags that blogs, magazines and television shove down our throats?
    Even forgetting our car keys is an issue to dissect nowdays?
    How far must one go down the path of self murder before we achieve the standard that we’re taught to accept by faceless things?

  • Penny

    Reply Reply July 30, 2014

    Hi, your article is fundamentally flawed because the concepts of “alpha” and “beta” were established to define behaviors of wild animals, not humans, whose societies and emotional responses are far too sophisticated to be so simply defined. No serious study has ever taken place relating the terms “alpha” or “beta” to human behavior, so the logic here is scientifically flawed. Human beings are a complex mix of personalities and traits which sometimes change from one day to the next (in the same person) and humans are capable of learning and adapting their behavior at an interpersonal level. Attempting to separate males (or females for that matter) into two distinct groups, inherently “alpha” or “beta” is nonsensical and unscientific.

    • John

      Reply Reply July 30, 2014

      Spot on Penny.

  • John

    Reply Reply July 30, 2014

    I know a guy who once pulled a 5 yo kid out of a burning car. Hes been turned down by every girl hes ever met because hes ‘not alpha’ in their eyes.

  • Vanessa

    Reply Reply July 29, 2014

    How do you know he’s not an alpha? He keeps insisting he’s one. {see “The Red Pill” on Reddit}

  • cal

    Reply Reply July 18, 2014

    What the writer seems to be describing are peacock male qualities. These are men who fake an alpha attitude, but are really immature children at heart. Submissive women often find these men attractive and the worse these women are treated by them the more secure they feel. Its seen in submissives of any gender or orientation. A woman who wants to be a viable, participating member of a family unit would never surrender so much influence to a man. Especially if she considers the real possibility that her marriage or relationship may not last forever.

    Women who claim to want alphas often don’t recognize true alphas when they meet them. There’s this preconceived notion about what an alpha looks like, but the actual picture is often far from what women fantasize about.

  • Jake

    Reply Reply July 17, 2014

    hmm, i read the article and realized i have each and every quality mentioned here except i’m not much of a body-builder, but again that doesn’t mean i’m weaker than someone who pushes his limits in the gym.

    but still i never had a gf, i guess that’s because i don’t kiss their feet like my friends who have a gf do.

    A piece of advice for the ladies here, if you like your beta male and can’t keep up with an alpha male then you are a beta female, you are not qualified enough to be with an alpha male,
    you are afraid that you are not worthy, so the alpha male would leave you.

    The Feminine woman is an alpha female cause she wanna be with an alpha male, that’s right.

    • Mr Mystery

      Reply Reply July 30, 2014

      You have a lot of misconceptions about life that you need to work through. Try approaching it with a little more humility, it may get you further than your current attitude.

  • Jay

    Reply Reply July 6, 2014

    Oh, god. You don’t need an “Alpha Male.” What does that mean? Some guy who wins the jerk-award? The minute that people stop letting him get away with stuff, he turns into an Episilon Male, and you’ll blame him for everything and find him unattractive.

    You don’t have to fall for the stupid human tricks. When we train our brains to do what’s wise, it’s called “maturity.”

    You know, every has their issues. Find a nice man and treat him like an “Alpha Male.”

  • dont think so

    Reply Reply July 4, 2014

    Ill stick with my beta male husband thank you. I encountered alpha males at least 3 times in my life. They were the most narcissistic, selfish, immature men I ever met. They lacked sensitivity, never apologized for a darn thing, couldnt care less for anyone but themselv3s other than when they could “get something out of it” then they would be interested or pretend to give a sh$T. They were also about 10 times more likely to cheat on wives and girlfriends. Hence the reason women tend to run away from alpha males when they wise up in late 20s-early 30s and settle down with beta males. Oh and for the record my beta male husband takes wonderful care of our family in every way possible. And he has enough “balls” to not take any shit from alpha males.

    • Jay

      Reply Reply July 6, 2014

      Good for you. He sounds like a great guy, not a “Beta Male.” Who cares about the water-cooler? Some man plan their life around trying to impress pointless, random people but not your husband. Independent = Alpha in my book!

    • Lurking Gorilla

      Reply Reply July 29, 2014

      What a convenient coincidence that you settle down with a beta male when your looks have faded to the point where you are no longer interesting to an alpha male! Isn’t it great how life works out so wonderfully sometimes?

  • Charis

    Reply Reply June 23, 2014

    Some of the points this article makes doesn’t make sense on many levels….

    1. Not knowing where your keys and wallet are doesn’t mean thats it is an indication that a man is not an alpha male. My husband never knows where his keys and wallet are but his directional abilities without GPS are superior to anyone I have met before in my life and I know this because when we go to a new city that he never has been before, I have no idea where we are and he leads me always to the place we want to go. He knows always where to go, which road to follow but he always forget where his wallet is in the house…..

    2. The complainer, even alpha males can have a bullshit family and be hurt in the past that left them with a trauma, you make it sound like psychology doesn’t effect alpha males, which is not true, all people will have ups and downs, all people will experience some type of trauma that might make them bitter, insecure or frustrated, alpha males included.

    3. in many articles people make it sound like Alpha males are psychopaths, they have feelings, and they will be emotionally hurt by women who they fall in love with, they will get over it in time and not always dwell on the past, but they will get hurt and sometimes might not get over it ever, if an Alpha male is such a jerk and doesn’t fall in love deeply to chase and to make a woman feel his attention, then fuck this, I don;t want an alpha male, you all make it sound like a self centered primitive piece of shit.
    Being emotionally independent is different than being an ass.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply June 24, 2014

      Hey Charis,

      Yep, you make some excellent points. Thanks for sharing.

      There’s one thing, I can understand how you got that I’m making Alpha males seem like psychopaths, although that wasn’t the idea at all though…It doesn’t feel like you read my article in full, and skim read it, or missed my intention completely.

      And the thing is with the complaining – really, it’s not that alpha men don’t have feelings…it’s the fact that – IF a man is getting attention the majority of the time through complaining, then he won’t feel like he’s a directed, focused male to me. His masculine energy wouldn’t be running deep. He may be a masculine soul, but his habits and patterns (in this context, complaining a lot to deal with things)….don’t make him felt to be strong and masculine and trustable to me.

      Sure, a man has to be emotional sometimes…I totally agree with you. And I respect that you are trying to respect that they have feelings too. as they should. But that wasn’t the point here – hope you get me!

      • Dave Eckblad

        Reply Reply July 30, 2014

        This is a very contrived list of bullshit you’re putting on women to make them feel more paranoid and judgmental. If you love someone, you love them. Don’t go writing articles trying to pull new faults out of people where they don’t really exist.

        • Lurking Gorilla

          Reply Reply July 30, 2014

          Sounds like someone’s butthurt that they’re not an alpha male.

          There’s nothing contrived about this list.

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