Dangers of Rori Raye’s Circular Dating in the Real World

Dangers of Rori Raye’s Circular Dating in the Real World

Do You really want to start circular dating?

Find out the Dangers of Rori Raye’s Circular Dating…

You may have heard of circular dating. If you haven’t yet, I’ll let you know what it is quickly.

Circular dating is: a term coined by Rori Raye, relationship author of Have the Relationship You Want. Dating several men (at least 3) all at the same time. You accept the date with the man who calls first, and do not shuffle times or even think about manipulating the schedule in order to get dates with the man you like best, or dates to the most fun places.

There’s another level to Rori’s circular dating though, as Rori says on her blog:

Circular Dating as a Tool is not about “dating.” It’s about interacting with everyone – man, woman and child,  so you can practice my tools of opening up and allowing love in and being vulnerable and sharing your feeling state – until it becomes automatic and your self-esteem soars.

First I want to say that my appreciation goes out to Rori, simply because I kow that her Circular Dating tool comes from a place of empathy for women. I appreciate her for truly considering what it’s like for a woman to be ‘attached’ to just ONE man, and feeling him not coming forward and not committing, and her resolve to looking to find a solution to that problem for us women.

Before I get in to my answer for this…I want to first say that, the very concept of circular dating, as Rori Raye puts it, is quite muffled to me. It is not always clear WHY you should circular date. So my answer to you here is the best I’ve got based on what I know about circular dating, and I have certainly spent some concentrated hours studying her theory over on her blog, and her REASONS behind advising you to circular date. (read my article on do beautiful women intimidate men)

Now here’s my answer to should you circular date? According to 3 different situations:

Number 1: for women who are curently single.

Number 2: for women who are in a dating relationship for 1-5 months and he’s withdrawing; and

Number 3: for women who are in a long term relationship of 5 or more months and he’s not committing.

Number 1: you’re currently single. My answer: Sure. circular date. It’s not any different to just dating men. Circular dating is a fancy way to put it. Why should you stay and wait for one man when you are single? You shouldn’t.

Number 2: for women who are in a relationship for 1-5 months and he’s withdrawing. Ok. Think about it. If you are in this situation, why would you want to circular date?

Well, first of all, you probably don’t want to, because you wouldn’t be reading this for a solution, if you really did want to just go and date other men, you would have done that already and you wouldn’t be indecisive about it.

The fact is, you are already invested in this one man, whoever he is, and would like him to commit to you, but he isn’t, so you might consider Rori Raye’s circular dating to get yourself out of a fearful place. And to satisfy your cravings for some certainty in your life. I understand, I have had the same thoughts in my past.

Here’s the thing:

In a 1-5 month relationship, you are still dating and you cannot expect an exclusive commitment from a man UNLESS you have both discussed it. Or, UNLESS, you and the man have somehow pre-framed the relationship in a way that indicates you are both now exclusively committed. So the question is NOT should you circular date? There’s two questions you can ask yourself:

1) Are you staying in the relationship and sleeping with him, hoping that he will eventually feel ATTACHED to you because of it?

Because if you are doing this, you are sending out signals of Low Value. So stop it right now, and start being authentic. Your value is NOT in just sleeping with a man. Remember, a man will commit to you when he’s emotionally attached or in love.

2) is he REALLY not committed to you? Or is he just not as committed to you in the way you WANT right now? 

Because, when you and I, as women, sit down and think or worry about how committed a man really is, we usually only see it from OUR perspective. Especially in the 1-5 month stage! We are invested pretty quickly. It is in our biology; we want pair bonding as soon as possible.

1-5 months for you as a woman might mean you’re thinking you are already in a relationship that is leading to marriage. For HIM though, he may not have even thought about a deeper relationship commitment yet, because he is a man. Not necessarily because he’s a douche.

In reality, sometimes, the man really IS committed. In his mind. And at his pace, and in his way. Men can actually choose to never marry a woman and be completely, head over heels in love and yet without a single doubt be committed her. A man can not call for 4 days and still be committed. Hard to accept? But it can be true, depending on your situation.

Lots of small things can indicate commitment on his part. It’s just that, men don’t understand women in general, and they just have no idea WHAT you want or HOW you want it – AND the problem with that is, they WILL NOT give it to you when you simply go TALK to him about what you want, because he probably can’t hear you. Instead, he hears:

Complaint. Criticism. Unhappy woman.

“Hmmm. Ok. Awesome. I AM OFFICIALLY UNSUCCESSFUL IN MAKING THIS WOMAN HAPPY. I might just go to work and forget about it all. Yeah, I like that idea. In fact, I give up. What do I do now? Who is going to show me what she needs in a way that doesn’t feel like I’m being emasculated as a man? Or maybe I should stick to casual sex. Then I don’t have to worry about making a woman happy and feeling like nothing I do is ever enough for any woman.”

Now, another thing: maybe a man is dating you out of convenience and he is still in to his ex or he just wants easy, comfortable sex. Well, if he is doing this, then it’s time you left and started dating others.

And finally…

Number 3: for women who are in a long term relationship of 5 or more months and he’s not committing.

The answer is a simple no. Don’t just get up and state that you are now circular date, if what you want is happiness and commitment.

Here is why:

The biggest problem I have with circular dating is that it is FEAR meeting FEAR. And it’s a fearful tactic used to solve a fearful situation.

You are responding to his fear with your own fear.

You feel that time is running out. Or you feel…that by being emotionally invested in this ONE man, that you have gotten the short end of the stick. Or you feel….that if he’s going to fluff around, that you should have the “right” to go date other men and get your ‘needs met’.

And he is not committing out of fear. If you have taken my home study course commitment control, you would know that this fear is called Commitment Resistance. What you need to do is get a little insight in to how to overcome his commitment resistance, which basically starts with having compassion and empathy for him as a man, no matter how hurtful the situation is to you.

Also, I know that being with a man who isn’t fully committed in the way you want feels painful, I’m not going to tell you that your feelings are wrong. Because they are your feelings, and they are real to you, and I sure as hell have felt that way before. So I wouldn’t make you wrong for that.

But my question is: What will you truly get out of circular dating?

Will you get CERTAINTY that some man will commit to you? Of course not. You can’t control any man, and you also cannot always control everything. No matter how organised your life or your ideas of how dating or having children or having a relationship should turn out, things happen. The unexpected gets in the way. (read my article on commitment phobic men)

Looking back over the last 10 years, haven’t things been rocky? Has everything gone to plan for you?

No?

Then why act as if you can make everything go to plan? Why start trying to control everything?

Why not instead, start living and loving?

Some women plan to have a baby and be married by 28. That happens, they get married at 28…..which is great. Then they try for a baby expecting it to happen and it doesn’t happen for 5 years, or they end up being told they are infertile. Is it their fault? No. It’s just that, you need to accept (as I have, painfully on many occasions) that we are not in a game of control here. We are in a game of living and growing.

Control is an illusion we create to try to find some security in this crazy world of confusion and pain.

CONFIDENCE from Circular Dating?

And that’s what circular dating (for Rori’s reasons) IS. It’s a form of trying to control a man through a fearful tactic. It’s not working WITH him, it is working AGAINST him.

I date other men, because YOU don’t commit right now in the way that I want.

AND – Will you get CONFIDENCE from circular dating, as Rori Raye states that you will?

Not at all! Confidence doesn’t come from dating different people and taking whatever first offer comes (as if you have no power other than to sit there and wait for men to pursue you). Confidence is a feeling of deep certainty within yourself. A feeling of self ownership that no amount of constantly dating other people will EVER replace. And confidence is earned by doing the hard. Not the easy.

There is NO shortcut to confidence. That’s why we crave and admire the people who are self confident. Because somewhere inside, we know exactly how HARD they worked for it. And their body and mind and their actions are congruent with their sense of self ownership.

Do you admire people who have the ability to go to the toilet and do their business? No. That is pretty easily done. But we admire people who have a deep sense of confidence for one reason: there IS no short cut. It’s not like biting our nails or going to the restroom.

More Sanity Through Circular Dating?

So if you circular date, will you get SANITY and peace from all the drama of your man being cold and distant? I don’t know, maybe. But most likely not. Because it isn’t just him. Drama and uncertainty comes from you as well. It comes from the story that you tell yourself in your own head, and therefore experience in real life. It’s interesting, how perception can change everything in a heartbeat.

I would not recommend circular dating, for Rori’s reasons in any scenario. I recommend, if you want to, to date different men when you are single. No problem with that at all.

Get a COMMITMENT from a man Through Circular Dating?

But here is the trap you don’t want to FALL in to:

Do not start circular dating to get a commitment from a man.

Why?

Because to get a commitment from a man there are TWO ways to get it;

1) to Inspire it, and then his commitment is Always 100% genuine and he does it because he WORSHIPS you.

2) to force it (or passively force it, as through Circular Dating), and you know you always did it the cheap way. (read my article on how to make a man commit)

The 5 Big Dangers of Rori Raye’s Circular Dating

To finish off, I want you to make your own decision. I am not here to tell you what to do. I want you to choose. so that you can make your own informed decision about whether you should circular date or not, Here are the flaws that I see in circular dating for the reason Rori gives to do it in the first place:

1) Unfortunately, circular dating makes you a passive woman. Here’s why: “Accepting the date with the man who calls first” leaves YOU on the EFFECT side of things.

Here’s the thing. In life, there is CAUSE and EFFECT. Most of us, simply because we are human beings and we aren’t always rational and logical, we THINK we are on the EFFECT side of things. We think that for example, if a man is not contacting us, then there’s nothing we can do to INSPIRE him to make the move and contact us. Wrong. I have the privilege of teaching you how to do this in Commitment Control, find out more here: http://commitment-control.com/

The problem with being on the EFFECT side of things is that you’ve not solved a single thing in the first place. You are still being passive. Assuming that your power is only so strong as going out to date different men and taking whichever date you get first is not power. It’s being passive.

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The best way to solve all this if you are really looking for a solution would be to get VERY clear on what kind of man you are looking for and then become the woman that man would want to be with. (This is the secret behind attracting the right types of men!) Not only will that kind of man be irresistibly attracted to you and your energy, you won’t have to look far and wide to find him, he’ll find you.

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Of course, it’s easier said than done, because often, we feel desperate since time is ticking, and we think that the next easiest man with resources who comes along and gives us some attention should be who we settle for.

Being on the EFFECT side of things assumes that you have little power to inspire commitment and more intense feelings of attraction in the man you want. That is pure lunacy. You have far more influence to enchant any man than you could ever dream possible. It simply takes you to start being on the cause end of things, rather than the effect end of things, and being passive.

And it’s not about controlling men. It’s about inspiring them as the goddess that you are inside.

2) According to Rori, you circular date “so you can practice my tools of opening up and allowing love in and being vulnerable and sharing your feeling state – until it becomes automatic and your self-esteem soars.”

Here’s the thing: opening up, and “allowing love in  and being vulnerable and sharing your feeling state” has nothing to do with circular dating.

If you want to open, you do it right now. You do it as you read. You do it as you walk…

You read something that touches a nerve, and you let yourself break down. You walk past a mother and a baby, and you wish you had that, and you allow the emotional wound to open and to allow the burning feeling of yearning in your heart to fire up.

You walk past a man loving kissing a woman’s head, and you open and let yourself be inspired by that moment of love.

You are with a man who is not giving you the attention you want, and you allow yourself to open either alone in the dark or WITH him, and you cry or you feel intensely hurt and angry, simply because of life. Not because of HIM. It’s not him. It’s life – It just isn’t working out the way you want right now. And that really, really hurts.

And you open by showing that, experiencing that truth. And sharing it firstly with yourself, and perhaps with him.

See, opening has nothing to do with circular dating. Open now and you will either get rid of the man you currently love, or you walk out on the street as an open, beautiful woman and because of that openness, you will attract a good man.

3) If you’ve been reading my work for a little while, you know that I teach that in order to attract a man who doesn’t just casually take care of you, but who worships the ground you walk upon, and would DIE for you, you need to be High Value and High Status.

Well, Rori Raye’s circular dating is just another tool that is being offered to you as a way to advertise your ‘High Value’. That’s all that it really is. A quick way to create some High Value for yourself. Hoping he will commit. Here’s the problem with circular dating in this situation: it’s good for a split second, but it is also very quick to irritate and scare the men around you.

Just because your ONE man doesn’t commit, doesn’t mean another man committing to you through circular dating is a GOOD thing, because YOU haven’t necessarily changed. It’s just that your tactic has changed.

By the time men see or hear that circular dating is what you want to do, they can’t appreciate your value anymore, because you’ve lost it, because they associate you with being the woman who made them feel PRESSURED in to doing something. Or the woman who left when it was hard. And all of a sudden, you probably seem like a fearful woman who needs to date other men to feel confident and to try to TAKE a commitment from the best man that she can get it from.

4) Circular dating uses force to get you out of desperation. Circular dating is NOT a solution based on a true understanding of men. It’s based on a selfish way to get your own needs met without considering him. You are trying to force him (or some other man) in to a commitment by trapping him.

5) Circular dating is essentially a tool to confine and trap a man, when it is done out of fear. And this is SO frustrating for me to hear because the one thing masculinity desires is FREEDOM.

And a man wants to feel fee WITH you. He doesn’t want to feel you trying to trap him. Men have spent millenia running from Low Value women who try to just trap them out of fear.

Essentially, if you circular date to get a commitment, the man will feel everything as a restriction of his freedom. Wouldn’t you agree? You’re trying to get your current man, or ANY man to COMMIT to you.

If you want to get it in that way, no man will ever feel free with you and you will be single and childless forever.

Circular Dating: Has it Actually Changed your Mindset?

Let’s see. He’s not committing. You need a commitment. Or so you think you do. So you go date other men to get that commitment.

Now here’s my question about that: does circular dating CHANGE the way you approach your relationship with this current man in the first place?

Are you assuming that some other man will be better? Well, what if he is? Can you rely on that? No. Most likely, you will go along and have the exact same problem with another man, because your underlying mindset and BELIEFS about men and dating and the world have not changed at all.

Which means that you will attract the same kind of man.

My conclusion is this: Date a lot of men if you are single and if you are open to that idea. But do not circular date to get your current man (or some other man) to commit. Force doesn’t work. It’s simply trying to solve fear with fear. And that is not solving anything.

Attracting men does solve something. Don’t use your fear to meet this man’s fear.

If you are currently in a relationship for 5 or more months, well, you attracted your current man for a reason. You can’t bail out saying  ”HE’S NOT COMMITTING!” and in turn, turn your back on him because you’re scared. You attracted him for a reason. He didn’t just fall in to your life. You attracted him!

On some level, what you do – the energy you put out to the world and to men, is returned to you multiplied.

He’s not only NOT commiting because of him – he’s also not committing because of you, and the way your relationship together makes him FEEL. He’s fearful and so are you. For whatever reason.

As author and speaker David Deida says, we always attract our reciprocal. If your current man is fearful of committing, his fear matches your fear. My guess is that, at the heart of it all, you do not want to circular date at all. You just want to feel free. You want to feel like you can open to a man, or to men, and to give your gift of your feminine energy and love and be loved without feeing afraid and restricted. And, the only person restricting you is yourself.

Well, you don’t need anybody’s permission. You have now.

What you need to know is: if you choose to open now and not WAIT for some new men, you won’t even have the problem anymore. The quality of commitment and the quality of men you attract is a direct reflection of how committed and open YOU are and how much of a quality woman you allow yourself to show up as.

Your barrier is not men, it’s yourself.

Here is the bottom line:

Don’t make decisions out of FEAR. The moment you make a decision out of fear, you just made the wrong decision.

If you want to circular date, be absolutely SURE that you are not doing it out of fear, or to get a commitment from a man. Unless you want to become low value.

If you are committed to becoming a High Value woman, and really want to inspire a deep and passionate commitment from a man, it is not a dream. It is possible. I don’t have ALL the answers. But I certainly have some, and I can show you how to inspire a deep commitment in Commitment Control. Check it out here:

http://commitment-control.com/

Renee.

xoxox

 P.S – Have you tried Circular Dating? If so, what were your experiences? Do you want to try circular dating? Your experience may help  hundreds of other women make the right decision, so do share your experience with circular dating below. 

Renee the feminine woman

76 Comments

  • Angel-eyes

    Reply Reply April 15, 2014

    Oh gosh, I would have totally adopted this mindset in the past. I would have blindly followed the behavior patterns of fear, thinking that the answer to prevent bad events is through becoming less involved as a way off getting more from a situation.

    To be honest though it would take a’lot for me to reach the point of letting my gaurd down completely with just one man.

    I won’t ever circular date in the future but by the same token I won’t waste time on a man who doesn’t appear commitment material.

  • K

    Reply Reply April 12, 2014

    I agree. I think she makes some other wonderful points, but the circular dating is a potentially damaging (to everyone involved!) way of establishing that you are high value. You can just as easily immerse yourself in things you love that make you feel joyful and confident without dating other men.

  • B

    Reply Reply January 27, 2014

    I feel you didn’t really go through Rori’s entire programme and judged it from the surface and the blogs written on it. The concept of CD can be dangerous if you do not know the full ins and outs of it. It is DEFINITELY not a tactic to get a man to commit – that is just the marketing of it. Rori says straight up in her ebook that her “tools” are not intended for becoming a better manipulator to get the things you want from a man.

    I have to say in my years and years of searching and reading nothing has “generated” the confidence inside of me as circular dating has. It is a process, not an end goal. Circular dating is about a mindset and state of being, not a manipulation tactic as it can look like at face value.

  • Evan Marc Katz

    Reply Reply October 8, 2013

    God bless you for writing this thoughtful article. I tackled the same subject a few years ago and drew largely the same conclusions. Sounds nice in theory; doesn’t quite hold up in practice with actual men.

    Keep up the great work!

    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/the-blind-spot-in-rori-rayes-circular-dating/

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply October 8, 2013

      Hi Evan! Thanks for your comment. I’ve read some posts on your blog over the years and I feel that you are honest and have good intentions towards your readers, thanks for being a strong and real voice in the dating advice world.

      I liked your article – this line “But if you’re tone deaf to your partner’s needs, you’re going to find yourself without a partner.” – is exactly one of the biggest concerns I have about a woman who blindly chooses to circular date without carefully thinking about her situation and her partner.

      CDing – and many women who are pro CDing tend to defend it from a place of fear and anger…. And that brings me to your point in your article about being vulnerable – and that this is the best way to find love. I agree with you.

      Kind regards,
      Renee.

  • rosesonly

    Reply Reply October 8, 2013

    I am circular dating right now, I have three men calling and asking for second/third dates . They will soon be pruned. i am single. i also have an ex who i never could actually get to commit to me and I am CDing him (rarely) too.

    I discovered CDing in that relationship when he would not commit to me after months, then years . In the end it was essentially downgraded to a FWB situation but I was so in love . I learned to date others to cope with my pain and the rejection of my love. CDing got me through and got me some friends at the same time .It wasnt out of fear that he wouldnt commit , it was to wean myself off a man who wasnt capable of commitment despite caring for me. It was assumed by him that i would date others to help me not focus entirely on him.He suggested it :)
    Later I also CDed while I was recovering from major illness . Over 2 years I dated between 2 and 4 kind , caring men here and there for meals and walks. These men were all doing their own healing and I presume were CDing too. Who knows? I never discussed that. None of them ever wanted exclusivity with me . I was single but perhaps not totally “available” .

    I disagree with Renees opinion about Circular dating being bad news when a man is withdrawing.You assume it is done out of fear to get a response from a man. No Renee. Sometimes its a life raft in a sea of unwanted attachment. You do it for yourself to help yourself stay afloat and not become a blithering mass of desperation. And yes, the man can WANT you to date others and ask you to do so. CDing helps a woman not to bond like glue to a man who is uncertain of what he wants.

    Its not about making him want you more . Its about healing yourself.

  • Tola

    Reply Reply October 7, 2013

    Renee, you are absolutely wonderful. There are only few people that help women with relationships that will not advice them to be manipulative and all. you have helped me and my present relationship more than you will ever know. i’m very grateful. each day you inspire me to be better in my relationship. This is unlike any relationship I’ve been. Thank you, thank you and thank you. Regards to David and your cute baby

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply October 7, 2013

      Hi Tola, Thank You for your comment! You’re most welcome. It’s my pleasure. xo

  • Jo

    Reply Reply September 20, 2013

    I thought the whole point of circular dating is to get your mind off one guy, so you are not obsessed or neurotic with any one particular guy who might be holding back, stringing you along (which I am notorious for attracting), or whatever. The point is to not be manipulative, but to take a step back in your own dedication to the relationship to match the man’s, or at least your perception of the man’s dedication. And you are to only give up circular dating when a man commits. I feel it is perfectly fair for a woman to date around/circular date if none of the men she dates will commit. She won’t be waiting on any one guy to call or text. She won’t feel neglected or insecuree about just one man. She won’t feel ignored because she is too busy with her life and meeting other men to be all caught up on one who doesn’t seem eager to secure a relationship with her. Men do it all the time. It’s not about manipulation. It’s about taking a step back and unfocusing your mind off one particular man who isn’t reciprocating the level of commitment to the relationship that you are. And I do not recall Rory saying you need to tell these men; it’s none of their business.

    • Anna

      Reply Reply September 21, 2013

      Hey Jo- I hear you.. Keeping your mind off a guy to match his attention so you don’t go neurotic is the BEST idea. Right now I’m in a serious relationship & he’s always so busy at work that sometimes I’m just DYING to have another guy just take me out to a nice dinner and listen to me haha… But… I know that that’s not right. And from the beginning I knew that it wasn’t right with him. Just a feeling. I knew from our first month together that he was going to be my man, from the way he treated me. And I knew he was always going to be a one woman guy, and he’d always want a one man girl. From the start I told him everything, and he told me everything. He’d openly give me his passwords and I would too. It’s that level of trust that I knew would be unmatched by any other man. But back to your point on circular dating. I think it’s great from a logical standpoint and only in the beginning. If you’ve been dating a while, more than a few months, I think you should at least let all the men know you are seeing others. Not think it’s not their business to know. It may not be, but you’ll find that alot of men think that withholding information is akin to lying. Some men would leave you for this. It’s dangerous. So like I was saying that circular dating is a great idea logically, but competition is not what makes a man commit & fall in love. It’s chemistry and the unique connection he has with you. Ever have buyers remorse about something? That’s probably what he’ll end up feeling when all the other guys are gone, IF there was not real connection & attraction in the first place, if it was masked by his competitive drive. In conclusion… Imagine your future husband now. How sweet and protective he is. How smart he is. How he gives everything to you to make you laugh & see you smile. How would you feel knowing you got this from dating other men behind his back? I think it’s wise in some cases, like in the beginning, when you’re not sure of what you want. But when you discover who you can really fall in love with, that someone special, I think it’s 100x wiser to work on your own issues and grow than date others to ignore and cover them up. Just my opinion. I’m in a very serious relationship and I’m still working through all the neurotic stuff. I may always be a little neurotic. But he’s stuck by me all those times, and he grows because I grow. And that feels good.

    • Anna

      Reply Reply September 21, 2013

      By the way what I do when I feel neurotic is to find joy in it. The Portuguese have a thing called Fado, which means fate. And it’s all about FEELING your longing and sadness. They even created a special word for it, that’s not directly translatable in any language – Saudade.
      There’s a Portuguese quote that I read when I’m feeling sad/angry/neurotic to make me feel the emotions & then feel better (and sooner rather than later, he calls), and it goes like this: “Ai que tristeza esta minha alegria… Que alegria esta tão grande tristeza.” Which means oh how sad this happiness is! And what joy I get from this sadness! If you think about it, do you feel some sort of connection to yourself when you feel insecure & neurotic… Some happiness in the sadness? I would realise it & embrace it & realise you don’t need other men to keep your self esteem up… You already have that ability inside you.

    • Anais

      Reply Reply September 23, 2013

      I agree with Jo. And I disagree with the concept that a man has to know you are dating others (dating, not sleeping with them!) if he hasn’t asked you to be exclusive. Especially if it’s only a few weeks in. You’re still single then. You’re free to go out with others and so is he. So I think CDing can work if he hasn’t asked for that type of commitment yet yet.

      I totally get the fact that women should gain understanding of men, what they value and form a connection with them, but women can do that while keeping their dating options open, rather than focusing on one man who hasn’t asked for exclusivity. Women should care about their emotional well being too, not just the man. So I appreciate that Rori advocates women looking out for themselves, reminding women that they are valuable to this world and that their feminine energy is a beautiful thing, single or not.

      Besides Circular Dating also gives opportunities to practice being vulnerable to men. Yes you can practice being open and vulnerable without a man but if you struggle with men, it makes sense to practice with their presence. If you are dancer with stage fright, you practice on stage in front of people, not alone locked up inside of your room.

    • Jane

      Reply Reply December 26, 2013

      Thanks Jo! You gave the reply I was thinking the whole time I read this article. It’s not about fear. clinging desperately to one man who is not in a place to commit is inspired by fear. Dating many different men to find the one that’s right for you comes from confidence.

  • Felicia

    Reply Reply May 8, 2013

    I circular date and LOVE it. I also work with divorced women who are not looking for a husband and I HIGHLY recommend cicular dating. It is not just to get a committment even though it helps. Like mentioned early in the article, you can get comfortable expressing vulnerability without fear of him leaving because it doesn’t matter if he leaves. You can also practice how to bring out the best in men as well as yourself by being authentic in the company of men and raising your standards to accept the kind of treatment that you require. When a woman sets her sights on getting one man, she is likely to compromise things she truly needs to be happy in order to keep him so she is not alone. When circular dating, he can leave and she is not alone. Yes, you can be authentic without circular dating, but often the stakes are too high and the risk too great of him leaving so women dont trust being authentic. Cicular dating creates a safe space for you to be authentic. Also, limited availability does make men take notice of your value as men respond to scarcity. Now, DO NOT COMMIT TO A MAN MOTIVATED BY FEAR as Renee said. Him committing because he fears losing you is taking the low road. When you barely meet a guy and act committed within a month when he has not explicitly committed to you (nor should he), that seems very low value. You barey know each other so you don’t REALLY want “him,” you want a good relationship, So, by cicular dating, you can stay focused on the relationship you want – not getting/trapping a man just because he pays attention to you and is present. Also, you do not have to sex with them. In fact, men wanting sex only will go away when they see they have to work and that you are not desperate for attention which they exploit for easy sex. The men left over are truly potential relationship material. So, helping screen out sex only men is another benefit to circular dating. Lastly, I was in a good relationship with a man who would not commit but felt we could live together and have an out of wedlock child. I said no and that I need to start dating other men because I need a husband. No, he did not become my husband and the relationship ended. But, he was not going to be my husband anyway. So, me staying holding on being exclusive when he would not make us a family was VERY low value. Besides, if had to do that to “get” him, it would no longer be a relationship that was worth it for me. So, once I stopped settling for less and began circular dating, I actually found better quality men, marriage was a non-issue.Cicular dating helped me move beyond trying to please a man hopig he would marry me. However, If male companionship from the same guy is more important than commitment, then there is no need to circular date.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply May 8, 2013

      Hi Felicia,

      I’m curious. You say… “You can get comfortable expressing your vulnerability without fear of him leaving because it doesn’t matter if he leaves.”

      It doesn’t matter if he leaves? So the whole point is to have a man not mean anything to you?

      What if…you actually fall in love with a man and it DOES matter if he leaves? THEN what?

      You DON’T express your vulnerability anymore?

    • Anna C

      Reply Reply May 22, 2013

      Hi Felicia,
      I was drawn to your same statement as Renee: “you can get comfortable expressing vulnerability without fear of him leaving because it doesn’t matter if he leaves.” To me, this assumes that men are a commodity – essentially interchangeable. But, in fact, they are not. No human is. I don’t think you can actually BE authentic in this way, unless you are a robot. I think the key to being vulnerable is realising what you want and admitting it to yourself, even if you are scared. Even if you like one guy over all the others (THIS is natural). But to put boundaries on what you can and cannot accept. Rori and everyone else is right when she says that people will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.
      You also say “If male companionship from the same guy is more important than commitment, then there is no need to circular date.” I don’t think these need to be mutually exclusive. You can have a male friend companion but don’t need a commitment. Or you can have a committed husband who is always around. I think that when it comes to relationships, or life, there are truly no limits.

  • Lisette Marum

    Reply Reply May 5, 2013

    I swear I nearly puked ony cereal. ‘What you need to do is get a little insight in to how to overcome his commitment resistance, which basically starts with having compassion and empathy for him as a man, no matter how hurtful the situation is to you.’ Can’t believe I’m reading this I the 21st Century. Why the hell have women been fighting for equality only to be advised ‘matter how hurtful the situation is to you’?

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply May 5, 2013

      Hi Lisette,

      I am sure you have misinterpreted my statement. What exactly does the statement ‘no matter how hurtful the situation is to you’ MEAN to you?

      To me, it simply means to have compassion…when it’s hard. Anyone can have compassion when it’s easy.

      I see you think this means undermining YOUR needs for someone else. And that is not the place I come from, nor is it ever my intention.

      In fact…I’ll say that this is your own pattern in your own life; ‘giving to someone else means I have to give up my own needs’.

      Like a trade off. I don’t believe in trade offs in this context.

      But you are reading my words in your way and I expect nothing else, since you have your own life experience….just know that my meaning and intention is different to yours.

  • Anna C

    Reply Reply March 5, 2013

    I really hate this practice of circular dating because it’s giving the impression that the wedding and commitment is more important than the guy. I so hate women going about wanting a wedding or a baby and just trying to find the guy to fit it. It should be the other way around. Me, I cannot even think of getting married or having kids AT ALL if the right guy isn’t around, and I sure as heck will not pick the many men and male friends out there would love to marry me. I only want a certain guy. I’ve never chased a guy just for a wedding. I’ve never fantasized about my wedding when I was a little girl. I fantasized about who my Prince Charming was. How he was going to be. And how we would act as husband and wife. A very particular guy. Not any guy. The perfect guy for me. And that is not the point of circular dating. It’s like finding the best interview candidate for the job. But love is not a job. It’s a feeling. You can’t interview for that.

    • Felicia

      Reply Reply May 8, 2013

      Hi Ana, I see your point and agree that you don’t find a man who ‘fits the wedding.’ But, what about when you find that right “one special guy” who you could spend your life with and he wants to live together and have children – not get married? Will you stay and do it unmarried or start dating other men who will commit to being a husband?

      • Anna C

        Reply Reply June 14, 2013

        Hey Felicia, good question. Well, I’d ask myself: Would I be happier dating this guy (given the current situation) or not dating this guy? I want to get married…. I love this guy… hmm, would I rather be without him and married, or be with him and unmarried? Those are the questions I would ask myself. Never would I ever consider dating another guy. It’s not relevant, to me. It’s either – do I want to be with the man I’m with now, or do I don’t. Another man, in my opinion should never factor into my decision. I date one man at a time. I just do. That’s just me. I devote all my attention to one man at a time, and give it my all, and if it doesn’t work out, well then I feel comfortable writing him off. My answer to your question would be… and it’s a hard one… if the man I was with did not want to get married but live together and have children, I would first say “I want to get married, marriage would make me happy because it makes me feel loved and secure. But I love you and I want to marry you. I don’t see any other man in my life but you. But I’m not ready to live with you or have children yet. I’m just not. I do love you though.” And I’d continue dating him until something changes, or I decide that I don’t want to be with him anymore. Sometimes… the situation would be the guy stays in this stage for years and years… but no… I’d never date another guy because of this reason! That’s not even fair to the other guy! I mean, how would you feel if you found out someone started dating you if their girlfriend would not commit?

      • Anna C

        Reply Reply June 15, 2013

        Actually… I’m dealing with this exact problem right now, so I’m not just saying sh** I’m standing behind my words. My man is terrified of getting married again and he’s asked me to live with him (I said no, twice, because I didn’t feel “safe” moving in without knowing he’d be with me forever…) and he wants to have kids someday. He tells me that he doesn’t want to get married again, but I stay with him. Why? Because I think it’s BS. He says that kind of thing when he’s insecure and I believe it when I’m insecure. As Renee says, he has Commitment Resistance. And I’ve figured out what (most) of that commitment resistance is. He knows I want to get married to him, (If I hadn’t met him though, I wouldn’t want to get married… I met the guy first, then decide to get married). I stay with him, because I want to be with him, and I’m not afraid of wasting my life away because I’d want to be with him anyway, so when he marries me is irrelevant (although, sooner is better than later so we can begin to get truly EMOTIONALLY INTIMATE with each other completely). And I don’t really want kids (but I’m open to it), so it won’t make me sad if I never have kids. He knows I want to marry him; I’ve told him from the beginning of the relationship, and he’s an honest man, so he wouldn’t be with me if he didn’t see the same thing, someday. So I’m staying with him, until something changes (he gets over his commitment resistance) or I decide something is terribly wrong that I want to leave (unlikely, since I’ve been with him so long.) So we just chill. I’d definitely not think of dating another man to get him to commit. For one thing, he’d IMMEDIATELY break up with me, because that is such a turn off to him and a total breach of trust. We do not tolerate cheating of any kind, even emotional. That’s just how we roll, so Circular Dating would not work for us, but if it works for someone else, more power to them. Though I would not advise it, unless you were just casually dating.

        • Anna C

          Reply Reply June 15, 2013

          Commit = marriage (to me). He’s actually already very committed. And he’d never think of dating another girl either (because he knows I’d walk), so it’s not a one way street.

    • Jane

      Reply Reply December 26, 2013

      Anna C,

      It seems to me like you’ve spent years writing the job description for you perfect guy. That’s what circular dating is all about. Not settling for the first guy that comes into your path, but effectively communicating your wants and needs until you find Mr. Right.

      • Anna C

        Reply Reply December 26, 2013

        Hey Jane, thanks for your comment. I actually did not spend years writing the job description for the perfect guy for me… I realised that the perfect guy for me was the image I had of prince charming as a child. But it took years of spiritual maturation to figure out how to trust my own instincts. And I found him, he was the same prince charming I had imagined, and I didn’t have to circular date to achieve this, ever. And, ha!, he definitely was NOT the first guy I dated! If circular dating to bring your confidence up works for you, by all means go for it. In my opinion, it is not the path to spiritual awakening, at least for me.

  • Peixia

    Reply Reply March 5, 2013

    Circular dating is an oppotunty to open ones self further, feel more confident through other man admirations, n to explore more choices other than the one that is not committing yet. Afterall, the goal is to find the right one for happiness not the particular one. If one dont work out, move on to another one.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply March 6, 2013

      Hi Peixia, I understand your perspective.

      However, I recommend that if you choose to do these things you’ve just mentioned, to do so whilst reading and learning all that she can about the male species – and why they do what they do, for her own freedom and stress-free dating experience.

      There’s a high price for a woman to pay for intentional ignorance about men.

  • Danielle

    Reply Reply January 29, 2013

    I know this is an older article, but I wil comment anyway. I tried circular dating when a man I was seeing started withdrawing. I had Rori’s Modern Siren and I loved it and how it made me feel about myself. So, I jumped in with both feet and bought her entire collection. While there is a lot of wisdom in her programs about how to change yourself, this CD thing just seemed wrong, in addition to counter-intuitive.

    But I tried it anyway. I didn’t just start CDing; we talked about it. My thinking was that I didn’t want him to feel pressured into committing. He agreed to it, saying that he doesn’t want to see other women, but it was okay for me. We would be sexually exclusive, however.

    But it didn’t make the situation any better. As a matter of fact, my guy told me some time later that he didn’t “want to compete” for me. That was a bit of a wake up call. Here I have this wonderful man who tells me pretty much what may be in every man’s mind: He wants to be sure that he is getting back what he is giving. If I’m dating other men and not focusing on him, why should he step up?

    The situation is now different. We are completely exclusive – just him and just me – and we are defining ourselves as a couple. He does know that I won’t wait forever and he knows what I ultimately want. But, I have not set a timetable, nor will I bring the subject up in the form of nagging, whining or pleading. I will just be me and allow him to just be him and do what I can to inspire his committment, rather than coercing it.

    This, open communication and a refusal to play games is helping to define our relationship. And this is what I feel is missing from a lot of relationships that go nowhere: actually *defining* instead of assuming the status of a relationship.

    • Rochelle

      Reply Reply January 31, 2013

      Danielle I’m glad to hear things in the end worked out, congrats! I agree with defining relationships (although many men seem to avoid it) and open communication. Rori advocates defining with the “girlfriend” speech. I think all in all it’s a well intent concept that may work when it’s less rigid ie. without the request to not accept exclusivity until the “very last minute when an actual ring is in the picture” or not taking his feelings into consideration at all or deciding not to talk about it. I disagree with all that.

      I’ve had men act like boyfriends taking it all the way who just saw it as dating. I’ve had men do what dating looks like to me while they just saw it as being friends, even though they kissed me and were hoping to sleep with me…Defining things also help define your boundaries. When I recently found out a wanted to be “friends” (with benefits?) after he kissed me, I had to tell him for me the kiss felt fine at the time but I don’t kiss my friends. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him as a serious relationship candidate yet, but whether or not he’s cool with that boundary of mine and staying touch is up to him. I’m fine either way.

      Looking back at my older posts, I think the part of the problem re: the debate on whether CD may inspire commitment or not is that not enough women CD so there aren’t enough actual situations to look at and most of the debate against it is in theory.

    • Walter

      Reply Reply September 23, 2013

      This post makes make the most sense to me… I am a man and my girlfriend tried this mess on me one year into our relationship after getting in the Rori Raye line of products. This is NOT good information and it will drive any good man away from you if he has half a brain. I was forced in to giving into a “Circular Dating” by gf because she thought things should be as she had in mind and Rori’s materials connected with her selfish way of thinking about it. I was told she wanted to date other men, but wanted to sexual exculsive with me. I only agreed to it because I loved her and I was not willing to lose her by this blind sided approach. It did not take me long to decide I did not want to be part it either… within a few weeks of her joining Match.com and going a few dates… I decided she must not feel the same way about me as I did about her.

      It was not until I broke it off with her until I found out this was about CD/Rori/ultimatum was the reasoning for the wanting to date others. We ended up continueing to date, but this broke down the trust in our relationship and it has caused feeling that last to this day.

      A man’s feeling are important too… We do not like to feel unimportant or disposable either! now that is equal rights.

  • Ashley

    Reply Reply September 16, 2012

    Well, few more things. Thank you for letting us comment and have this open discussion. I’m also not sure about whether men are irritated by circular dating, especially the alphas. If I am going to make stereotypical assumptions, I would say that men love hunting and enjoy the thrill of hunting and competition makes the hunting even more thrilling, thus enjoyable for themn. If we are to be emphatic of men’s nature, then, I think we should give them the thrill of competition that they crave. Nevertheless, that’s what most alphas like, competition and thrill, not us. Circular dating irritates most of the women including myself. Because most of us don’t like dating, we want to get married yesterday:)

    • Rochelle

      Reply Reply September 17, 2012

      Hi Ashley, I agree with some of your opinions. I think a man would be irritated by/break up due to CDing in a relationship where you agreed to exclusivity because that is essentially cheating in my eyes– this is where CDing falls off for me. but the rest of it is very valuable. I agree with the stereotypical assessment that whenever men who have not agreed to be exclusive sees or kinda suspects that other men are in the picture the more masculine ones DO tend to increase their interest and curiosity.

      I think the largest portions of the benefits of CDing that gets missed is that it helps you learn things about yourself not only related to romantic relationships. It also helps to uncover the type of man you want to attract. And it’s not only going on actual dates. It can just be connecting with a guy you meet at a lounge or event or people who work at Starbucks. I do this all the time now and it’s a lot of fun; it’s also made me feel more confident and comfortable with attending certain events alone, to the point I actually CHOOSE to attend some alone.. Besides, I noticed I am more approachable when I fly solo. It truly has helped to shift my vibe, along with all the research and self-reflection I’ve been doing.

      Part of attracting the right mate is being secure with being single. It sounds backwards but I think once you reach this place of feeling happy on your own, you put out this aura of being so valuable, not needy and it rains men… well it “rains” people in general. haha I feel like the right man for me is right around the corner, it’s a feeling I can’t quite explain. I figure he’ll show up on the street someday too as I see all these other people showing up. I don’t feel desperate to find a man anymore but I am putting myself out there and have a clear picture of the type I want to attract. I noticed that Rori touches on this more internal aspect of CDing mainly in her Targeting Mr Right program and not so much in her free advice, which mostly markets it as a Tool to get a man to commit and nothing beyond that. And I think that’s the disconnect with people who seem to totally disagree with the CDing concept.

      • Ashley

        Reply Reply September 17, 2012

        Dear Rochelle,

        Thank you for your comment. You’re right, of course men would feel irritated (in fact infuriated) if you agreed to exclusivity. But, I don’t think Rori says women to cheat, what she says is “not to agree” on exclusivity unless there is a sure commitment from the guy” and she says exclusivity without a commitment is a trap for women. Only after you comitted to a serious relationship or married, you agree on exclusivity. CD does not mean agreeing to exclusivity and playing the field at the same time; it’s about “not agreeing to exclusivity” until there is a firm commitment. No exclusivity without commitment makes sense to me. Otherwise, you stick to a guy, waiting, waiting for him to commit, trying to convince him, change his mind etc. which is not a secure place for women; not to mention it’s manipulative.

        Well, my personal problem is not attracting men; I know very well that when you feel, happy, secure, it rains men. Attracting men is easy, but what is important is attracting “the right one” and keep the unwanted ones away. For me being committed to a person means sticking together through thick and thin, good and worse. What happens to the guys that are attracted to you when you feel insecure, bad, in a low mood; are they still sticking or dropping like flies? It’s not easy to radiate with joy and love all the times, it consumes your energy; and we are human beings it’s impossible to feel secure, good, happy all the times (Bad feelings are also necessary; fear warns you agains the dangers; anger helps you to protect yourself, insecurity alerts you to a problem; pretending that everything is ok, when there is a problem doesn’t really work). When you are open, secure, non-judging; nevertheless, you attract all kinds of men including the dangerous ones (and when I feel so loving,unjudging and light-hearted, I can hardly measure their true characters and I miss the “redflags”). My problem is not attracting the army of men, but attracting the ones true to their characters (if you are a high value woman, they all act like or try to act like a high quality men and it’s difficult to know which of them are real and will be there for you in the long run).I wish I could find a way to test them and figure out beforehand if they are worthy of my time.

        • Rochelle

          Reply Reply September 17, 2012

          Hi Ashley,
          You’re right that Rori says not to accept exclusivity til there is a ring. But she also uses examples of women who before being introduced to her work, were already exclusive relationships and decide to start dating other guys because their boyfriend hasn’t proposed. I’m sure somewhere she said you don’t have to tell them even that scenario…I think in a situation like that where you already agreed to be exclusive that if you choose to do the CD route, you should verbally break up with him and then date other men. I believe dating is a numbers game to some degree so the more people you interact with the more likely you meet one meant to be. I’ve seen this happen over and over again with other people now in good relationships.

          You are right though, it’s never just about attracting an army of men and also the quality. However for someone like myself who was becoming increasingly cynical and closed off to the world, after shifting my vibe, seeing the amount of men (and women who just want to get directions or ask about my car, etc) who will come up and talk to me this year is a start. It’s also happened at times when I wasn’t in the best mood and the people who approached me were harmless. And the men I have dated this year are better than the ones in the past; my experiences of CDing with them helped me realize what type of man I should be with in little and major ways. So I’ve been following Renee’s advice piece of becoming the woman that the kind of man I would like to attract would be attracted to, enjoying the rest of my life and less focus on going on actual dates right now. For example as Renee said you (and I don’t mean you personally when say that btw) can’t attract a man of integrity if you can’t be honest with your own feelings.

          I mean I get what you’re saying that unfortunately you can’t know everything the future to always know if they are worthy of your time off the bat. that’s why I agree with not to focus on one guy when you are just dating. I don’t think being in a positive mental state will just prevent all low value guys from approaching you but rather, it helps you weed them out. sometimes bad guys do come off as being a good guy/nice, etc but somehow I can tell if they aren’t genuine most of the time without any logical reasoning. Sometimes things will happen later that showed me I made the right decision. Besides that, another way I test is I am pretty big on allowing a man to initiate the most during the courtship and come to me. In the past I have done too much of the “chasing” and realized all the women I know who are in relationships did let the man initiate more. You’re right you can’t be radiating with joy all the time. pretending to be happy and “together” all the time when you aren’t is an attraction buster–I used to be really good at stuffing down my “bad” feelings like anger or disappointment, and it’s still something I am working on. Being open, etc doesn’t mean you are always happy or pretending to be ok no matter what. It means you express your feelings without making the other person feel blamed. you’re right we are only human so that is impossible to feel happy all the time. I even find myself able to cry easier than the past when bad emotions come up and feel better since I’m not holding it all in. That’s being open, too.

  • Ashley

    Reply Reply September 16, 2012

    Dear Renee,

    I think what is truly dangerous is indiscriminate dating advice. Unfortunately dating coaches like Rori and you divide humanity into two camps: women and men, and you give dating advices for all women as if they are all same. Well, you are right about Rori’s Circular Dating; I know that it works, but yes it’s coming from a place of fear and insecurity. But, I think Rori”s advice could have been valuable for women who stick to one man, no matter what, even if there is no commitment and even the guy treats them badly. Nevertheless, most of these women follow your advice of empathy and compassion and try to “get” commitment from their non-commital guys.

    • Jane

      Reply Reply December 26, 2013

      “I’m sure somewhere she said you don’t have to tell them even that scenario”

      Hi rochelle,

      Actually, Rori never is a proponent for lying. She is very clear about being fully open. Also important to note is that for women in an exclusive relationship, Rori insists that if you are going to suggest CDing that you wait until your relationship is in a really good place and only then, if you still feel the need to CD, do you talk about it with the man your exclusive with.

  • Rochelle

    Reply Reply August 23, 2012

    I’m in my late 20s and never been in a serious relationship. For someone like me who has struggled so much with relationships, circular dating and practicing Rori’s “tools” brought more awareness to my own behavior, becoming more feminine and knowing the type of man I want to attract and what I need to work on, as Rori said it would. And it did help build my confidence with men permanently. So in essence it did help me get much closer to attracting the man who will commit and want to give his heart to me. I think it’s a great way to look at dating if single or not exclusive with someone yet and take the approach of seeing what you can learn about yourself in the presence of a man. And it’s good if meet someone you think he might be good for you and to keep yourself from focusing–one of my friends (who didn’t “CD” per se) dated more than one guy while dating her bf before her now boyfriend asked her to be exclusive moving it towards marriage asked her to be his gf. and while this isn’t how Rori says to do it, it is a similar fashion. And my friend found that dating more than one guy at the time helped her not feel so anxious about “where the relationship is going” and enjoying the present. I disagree with using it when in a relationship and he isn’t ready, at least to the extent that you go on other dates. I see nothing wrong with the dating yourself part of it.

    And the men I dated earlier this year were better than most of the ones I dated in the past. But now it’s gotten to the point where I don’t feel like I need to just accept dates without being more discerning and can now truly focus on attracting the type of man I want, and becoming closer to the type of woman he’d be attracted to. from the beginning of the year my goal has been to work on me. I feel like I’m almost there. Last night I was able to write down all the qualities and value I do want in a man, as Renee suggested in one of her newsletters. Part of my problem was that I didn’t know what I wanted but CDing helped me realize what I did. One of the biggest things I lessons I learned through CD is that I want to attract a man who complements me in some ways but shares my values. I have a habit of being interested in men who are similar to me in terms of personality and shared interests. But looking back at my last relationship where we had too much in common, I see clearer now why that wasn’t the way to go.

    I love the fact I’m able to learn something that works for me from so many relationship experts, who share similar basic fundamentals although sometimes your opinions are different. So I appreciate both Rori’s and Renee’s work!

  • Amanda

    Reply Reply July 27, 2012

    The thing is focusing on dating one person at a time is actually somewhat new. Past generations really didn’t date one person at a time. For some reason around the 60′s/70′s this dating one person at a time became popular. Many older people I know will tell you in high school there was really no such thing as dating one person at a time unless the guy decided to “go steady”

    • Rochelle

      Reply Reply August 23, 2012

      That’s true and Rori makes that point as well, that her mom and other relatives circular dated i.e., dated more than one at a time until commitment was in the picture. I think this way of dating changed and became more common to be one at a time, because during the 60s and 70s, pre-marital sex became more of a “given” while dating and casual hookups increased. And the fact that so many more women these days are willing to give it up outside any kind of relationship has also helped men see less of a reason to commit.

  • Dinda

    Reply Reply July 14, 2012

    In my opinion. about Rori, she doesn’t really care about people’s opinion. the idea of circular dating is “Go for my need. No matter what people say. This is about me. this way, I’m taking care of me”. she tend to not to care but just do it her way. Yes, this is dangerous cause once she isn’t aware of what way she takes plus not to hear what people’s say, you know what will happen..

    And Renee, You completely care about people’s opinion. Even though the way when We do open we likely not to care about people’s looking (how they see us feeling so many feelings from a moment we see). But the idea is “I want you to see that I’m honest to my self. I’m a fabolous woman”. You truly care about people’s opinion. Here, all of the rules come up to protect your goodwill, “learn the 8 dangerous and humiliating mistakes…”. 

    This all are fine, this is about how the way we want to live based on our instinct to protect and taking care of ourselves. Nothing is absolutely true and nothing is absolutely false.

    But, If I were you, Renee. It’d feel good if I just say to my clients “not to date another men when what you want is happiness….” without Rori in it. It’d feel good if I just take my opinion about Rori’s program and say it to my clients without judging or put Rori on it.

    Because. When we judge others. The effect is back on ourselves. We tend to automaticly judge ourselves. And the moment it happened, we start to hurt ourselves for what we do wrong, even if it’s only once. This  (Be so unjugding of others) is Rori’s idea. So that we don’t automaticly hurt and shut down.. Do you ever feel it, Renee? This what I do agree about Rori.

    • Asma

      Reply Reply July 14, 2012

      I have to call hooey on this. If Renee cared so much about what other people thought of her she would not have taken this topic on and asked for an open and honest discussion where she could be the target in the line of fire. Another coach took on this topic and RR’s people were less than merciful towards him. Taking on and discussing a topic has nothing to do with “judgement.” Things should be discussed. This is the problem I have with RR’s teachings and followers. Unless you are not in feel speak and only talking about emotions and your stories, you are judging and not in “feminine.” That’s just crazy and once again an example of a very restrictive way of defining what femininity is. Frankly, this post was rather judgemental and defensive. Lots of people have very valid reasons why they disagree with CDing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a passionate and heated discussion about it.

  • Adrienne

    Reply Reply July 13, 2012

    Once again good article you made some excellent points. I have nothing against Rori Raye having viewed her site a few times. I agree with a couple of her posts but not all of them. Regarding circular dating it may be okay if you’re single and not looking for commitment yet or just want to explore different potential suitors but I don’t agree with Ms Raye’s view of doing it while in a relationship already or continuing seeing other men after having sex with one of the men as she suggested. Plus I can’t get into her idea that it’s only okay for women to circular date but not men as I believe she stated that seems unfair to me. As for dating for six months and the guy is still not committed yet, I kind of agree with Maria that you should question his reasons, maybe he is not ready yet, in which you can just give it more time and be patient, or consider he may be having doubts about you or commitment altogether. The only thing, if the guy is not ready after six months of dating does he still expect the woman to have sex with him? Because plenty of women may prefer to wait for love and commitment before offering herself to man. I wouldn’t advise having sex hoping it will make a man want to commit to woman because that will likely fail although many women fall for that mistake. Nice article.

    • Asma

      Reply Reply July 13, 2012

      Hi Adrienne,

      About men not being able to CD and only women can I agree doesn’t cut it for me. What RR teaches (and I hope I can articulate this properly) really is that it does not matter if he likes it or not, the masculine is there to give and the feminine is there to recieve. Period. Those are the proper place of the energies and when you are in those elements the guy will automatically will want her even if he doesn’t like the idea or gets upset. I guess she is trying to say that his primal instincts of the masculine giving is kicked in and so that is all that is necessary. This natural dynamic alone will keep him attracted. So CDing is her right but not his. Again this is my words and interpretation of all the explanations I’ve been seeing and regardless of how it is articulated and interpretated, I still don’t buy it. My point is, it is the very fundamental teaching of what masculine and feminine is that I do not agree with her on. I don’t like the boxed and broad stroke that masculine is to serve and give to the feminine and the feminine is only the reciever. It’s more multi dimensional than that. At least I hope so. There are certain things that the feminine gives and the masculine recieves. Being in masculine and feminine energies should not stop at just the giving and recieving. It has to be a lot more vast than that. There has to be room for more ways of being than that.

      • Renee Wade

        Reply Reply July 14, 2012

        Asma, the point you brought up about circular dating being the woman’s right but not the man’s – I wonder what the reasoning behind that is. I am not aware of the reasoning if there is one. xo

        • Asma

          Reply Reply July 14, 2012

          Hi Renee,

          I am not sure of the concrete reasoning either. From my understanding, it really goes back to the fundamental way that RR defines and teaches what masculine/feminine energies are. In a nutshell (and these are my words and interpretation), the masculine is there to serve the feminine’s needs in the relationship. Period.

          Here is a link where she talks about it, but the only thing I got from it is that she is CDing to get a commitment from him and he would be just because she was or something like that: http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/commitment/you-can-circular-date-but-he-cant/

  • Janice

    Reply Reply July 12, 2012

    Hi!
    After reading many more post and responses….I do one thing that has always worked in my favor of attracting high quality men…and it’s really something you don’t do.

    I never mention any other men or possible dates or former lovers unless directly asked. That being said so many men are calling and TRYING to win me because it is a given that I will be approached by other men as long as I keep myself a “high quality” ;) woman. We don’t need to advertise it and we don’t need to convince a man that others may want us…they know that.

    I have had wonderful men in my life and some of my friends say well you liked the last guy. Yes but that one that i feel I want to move further with hasn’t appeared yet but I will know when it happens. There are so many wonderful men out there!!!

  • Janice

    Reply Reply July 12, 2012

    Hi,
    I scrolled through some comments and saw Rori, herself read this. Before I read her response I would like to comment and see if we are on the same page.

    I have been following Rori for quite a while now and receive great information but nothing is ever just black and white in anything. That being said I am very open minded and you pointed out wonderful information in regards to why circular dating can be dangerous.

    Your specific sentences are to plenty to quote but many made so much sense. One of Rori’s concepts for circular dating is, working through uncomfortable feelings and learning what you don’t want. Personal developement is the hardest to achieve and the prequisite for any of these programs should be building confidence and other self courses first. Then we can understand the dating and relationship things better.

    I do LOVE your comment “it’s not him, It’s life” This is a concept I work through all the time.
    Great read and I do enjoy your blog! I just found you and added you to my collection…lol
    Needless to say when I saw the “cicular dating” I jumped right into this article.

    Janice

  • regina

    Reply Reply July 11, 2012

    Wow!!! Thank you sooooo much….I understand…it resonates with my heart!!!!

  • Esteemed

    Reply Reply July 11, 2012

    I began to listen to Rori’s programs three years ago, when my treasured relationship with R started to go awry. Although we were technically friends, it was an unspoken agreement that we were exclusive. I felt like a mouse between the paws of a cat who had caught his first mouse, and didn’t know what to do with her. I felt trapped. I felt like I was being led on then let down, and he would always stop just short of commitment.

    As Rori’s words started to sink in, and the relationship went from painful to broken, I informed R I was going to start dating until I had a ring on my finger. My move to Circular Dating from exclusivity shifted the vibe in my relationship.

    I no longer felt trapped, and even tho I was in love with him, I felt fresh and new getting to know new men, who helped me get my mind off R. I think if I had actually found a new deep relationship, it would have been the healthiest thing for me. That didn’t happen, but it was very healthy for me to date new men, even tho at many junctures, I felt resistant.

    I know for a fact that if I had already been equipped with Rori’s tools, I would not have endured the pain I did when I was in the exclusivity trap. I feel eternally grateful to Rori for giving of herself. It is three years later, and, thanks to Rori’s tools which seriously work, R is back in my life…the next chapter remains to be written.

  • Sara

    Reply Reply July 11, 2012

    I agree this is to a degree a quick fix for low self-esteem. To me the lack of commitment makes me feel ugly and unworthy of what I want, so the temptation to let other men pursue is strong. It is a quick, but temporary boost. I am single, and am attracted to a man in particular, whom doesn’t want to commit to me but enjoys hanging out with me. I figure since I am only 21, that I should not be in a big hurry to get into the serious business of steady dating and commitment when I am too busy worrying about college and how to pay the bills on my own haha. Thus, I feel that I can be like a man and enjoy what he does give and not waste my time worrying about what he does not give me. So far I have been worrying less :-)

  • Rori Raye

    Reply Reply July 11, 2012

    Hi, Renee, This is Rori , and I’m enjoying reading everything you write. I totally agree with all the points you bring up if what we’re talking about here is actual “dating” – or even “flirting” – but that’s not what the concept of Circular Dating is. (I realize that reading different blog posts I write may talk about the “dating” part, and even about the potential effect it could have on a man, and so many other ideas that come into my head – I wish I could be super clear in every one of my posts, but I get different ideas at different times, and focus on different aspects).

    Circular Dating is ultimately about healing your own heart by becoming aware of – and then shifting – the old patterns almost all of us are still tied to that aren’t working, and doing it in the presence of real people. It’s practicing my Tools with real men, women, children… and in the process, discovering things about ourselves and the way we relate to people and situations that we’ve been covering up our whole lives.

    The place where my clients and subscribers get the full information on Circular Dating that makes it all make sense (Yes – even with the “Diva Creed” in it…) is my Targeting Mr. Right program. The Tools in TMR are about healing your own heart in the presence of a man (or woman or child). They range from how to have a simple, deep, open, warm conversation with a man, to “Trauma Resolution” Tools and the nuts-and bolts of the actual “dating” parts of CDing.

    I appreciate your linking to my blog, and giving my ideas a fair discussion – and if you’d ever like to talk more about our differences (or perhaps where we might agree with each other), please feel free to contact me. Perhaps we’d even be a great match for my Monthly Interview Series – you seem to have quite a loyal following, and I’d be delighted to introduce my subscribers to you.

    Sincerely, Rori Raye

    • Renee

      Reply Reply July 11, 2012

      Hi Rori, thanks for being here, and for explaining your ideas further.

      I understand getting (and expressing) ideas at different times and how that affects how your ideas are received…I guess sometimes that’s a price we pay for blogging a lot and having people see different blog posts and ideas expressed from different angles.

      I will be in touch! I look forward to speaking to you!

      Renee.

    • Walter

      Reply Reply September 23, 2013

      CDing is about an ultimatum for selfish reason.

  • Anna

    Reply Reply July 11, 2012

    I think the real benefit of multi/circular dating and Rori’s approach is this one: it allows you to see which guys are really into you and which ones are just time wasters! Ideally you want to fall in love with someone who’s strongly attracted to you and makes a real effort to court you… because then, you’re not afraid of the guy not willing to commit to you… you know he is so into you from the start that the only thing he wants is spend the rest of his life with you. But the dynamic has to be right straight from the start, hence the importance of being a high value woman. I’ve tried multi-dating before and I can tell you that some of the guys were already jocking about marriage on the 2nd date… so that’s the approach I believe in personnally :)
    Anna

    • Renee

      Reply Reply July 11, 2012

      Hi Anna!

      By jocking about marriage I assume you meant they were talking about marriage?

      Yes, well, there’s a reason for this.

      1) A lot of men do this
      2) They’re often not talking about marriage for the reasons you think they are.

      A lot of women I have worked with go through this – men talk about marriage very early, and then literally, that night, after the talk, the man tells her “sorry it’s not working out for me”. And it happens often.

      The reason is because – MEN are not talking about marriage for the same reasons YOU want to talk about marriage. For a MAN it can very likely be a test. And if that conversation indicates to him that you are not the one, and you answer his questions but it’s not what he wants – then he will move on.

      Again, I’ll stress how important it is to understand a man’s mindset. He might be talking about marriage, but for his reasons. and THAT early on? It’s commonly a test, or a way to gage whether this woman is right for him in marriage or not.

      If he PROPOSES that is a different thing.

      Men have their tests too.

      • Anna

        Reply Reply July 11, 2012

        Hi Renee, thanks for your reply to my comment! Sure I agree with you, those are just tests at that stage but when it comes from the man and so early it is still a good indication that he could be thinking about you in that way (as opposed to a man who would just be horrified upon hearing the word marriage). One of my exes (we split up for other reasons) told me after a couple of weeks ‘Maybe I could be your husband and you don’t know it yet’ to which of course I just smiled, another guy jocked about getting married within 2 months… From what I read and from what I observe (I love reading about relationships and psychology btw), men unlike women don’t have the desire to get married at core (it’s not in their biology)… the only subconsious or conscious reason why they would do so is because they are afraid to lose the woman they are so attracted to/afraid that someone else could steal her from them/they want to keep her to only themselves (we all know about that girl who was ready to accept a job abroad when her bf proposed by fear of losing her). I believe that even if we are not into multi-dating, the reason why we want to be high value women (other than for our own hapiness and growth) is because being high value makes us in demand and that’s one key for attraction: men want women who are wanted by other men! And by multi-dating for example they will sense that you’re in demand and this will in turn increase the attraction…

        • Nikki

          Reply Reply July 27, 2012

          Hi Anna,

          I’m sorry to inform you but when a man talks about marriage to you that early on, that is game. Men know that is the one thing a lot of women will sell their soul for and they will use this as a way to test or to trap you into giving them sex. Then when they get what they want, they all of a sudden disappear. Now this is not absolute, as there are exceptions to everything. But we should observe a man’s actions and behavior and not just his words. Until he proposes and puts a ring on that finger, all that marriage talk is just that, talk. They may bring up the marriage topic as a way to keep you b/c they recognize you may be wanted by others. But we have to be careful not to fall into the trap of feeling valued just b/c we see a man not wanting us with other men. There has to be more going on. And a clear indicator that a man really wants to be with me is his very clear and definite actions that he wants an exclusive relationship. Yes, a man may feel it for you very early on, but I find they sometimes hold back b/c they have a fear as well that their feelings will not be reciprocated. Then both man and woman is at an impasse. This is when action is needed to prove at least to me that he wants only me.

  • coco_oli

    Reply Reply July 11, 2012

    I have been studying Rory’s books and DVDs in the past, and I have tried the CD… not worked for me tho, I have my eye on a particular man and I really wanted him to fall in love with me. I have had some fun with CD, but I the quality of the men that I met were quite low … ok, they all nice men but either physically not attractive or they are abit dull. I guess high quality and good-look men will not happy to be in a situation with a woman who does CD, a big blow to his ego… also I am still in my mid-20th, I found most of women who have had success with CD are over 35 or 40 and they are either divorced or are single mum… so they probably also attract men who have divorced or over 40 years old… as I have said, these men can be perfectly gentlemen and nice, but I would not feel attracted to them just becoz they are nice…

    • Angel

      Reply Reply July 11, 2012

      You bring up something interesting, coco_oil. You said that perhaps CDing works for a certain age group but it did not work with you, I don’t know how true that is logistically, but I have notced that her tools seem to be a very one size fits all type of approach. I know some people will coming rushing to defend that it is not, but that was not my experience. If a woman decides to do something different and not CD, some of her students get so adamant that she is not following the tools properly and it becomes a huge drag. Renee also mentioned passiveness. The thing that I noticed (and this is just my perception), is that in RR’s teachings passivity IS taught as femininity. It is constantly implemented by the other students. Lean back, don’t do anything and let him come to you. Which is fine, but it restricts you, as Renee says, from inspiring him to do anything.

      Another thing that gets me is this approach to approach everyone and every situation as if you were interacting with a man. Even your girlfriends. That gets annoying. Not just for me but the way the other girls relate to me as if *I* am a man and I’m not! I don’t want to be related to by my girlfriends as if I were the guy. I want to relate! I don’t want every situation and every interaction to serve as *therapy* and I sure as hell do not want to be related to in a way that I am bringing up therapy for them. I want to be held and to hold people I love and be close to. I want to create closeness and depth with everyone in my life, either a lover or friend. I don’t want sameness with every person.

      The teachings are about creating chemistry and attraction with *everyone* even if the guy is not the type you would usually go for. It’s abou giving hte nice guy a chance too who will be good to you, which is just fine as a theory. But I would rather be empowered to inspire the guy that *I* feel hot and passionate for. The one whose very presence inspires passion in me. Inspiration inspires. I can’t buy into the boring premise of life that what we are attracted to are only based on our “past damaged patterns.” It’s the spiritual premise to dating where you should be so saintly healed. Passion and attraction go by the way side. I have to have passion while at the same time work on my boundaries.

      I’m not dogging on the whole system and it definately works for some people, but it leaves me a bit dead inside. Femininity is portrayed as so one dimensional (I am saying this from reading and listening to a couple of the programs, not just what I see in the implementation). A siren may only read and speak like this, a siren watches these types of programs and not these other types…and it spills over into everything, including CDing. There is also the belief that the woman should CD, but not the one she is with. Sorry but that does not create a relationship of depth and passion. Discovering all these different parts of one another, all your light sides and dark sides…exploring them and allowing them to come out and play within the playgournd context of a relationship is what creates it.

      If thevery approach that the basis of femininity alone is one way, than that will spill over into things like CDing and such and this is why I don’t agree with a great many of the concepts including CDing. One size does not fit all. Femininity is not a one dimensional approach of only all recieving and waiting, there has to be room for creativity in a relationship. Anything restrictive is so the opposite of feminine.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply July 11, 2012

      Ho coco_oli,

      your point about not being attracted to these men you met…well, that’s yet another thing.

      That’s why getting really CLEAR on the type of man you want and then becoming the woman he would want is the way to go.

      Because THEN we can start to attract the right types of men and not waste our time.

      • coco_oli

        Reply Reply July 12, 2012

        Thats right, Renee.. RR does stress the fact to return to feminine self and being vulnerable too. Somehow, I was following her forum for a long time, I found lots of women there keep coming back to the forum, so if it turns out to be successful for them- these familiar names should be on the decrease… anyway, I agree with you that in order to attract a high quality man, I have to become a high quality woman. I do found the universe can be a cosmic joker sometimes, when you are really passionate and hopeful for something – a fulfilling relationship, he wont give it to you, becoz there are still lessons to learn and to come back to the feminine self.

        All is well..

  • cristina

    Reply Reply July 11, 2012

    Sorry Renee but this time I must disagree with you. I used to be a fan of Rori until I found your page, ’cause I like your sweet and efficient style. But I must deffend Rori this time because I think Rori suggests Circular Dating in order to raise our self esteem and not to control men (in fact, she insists on NOT CONTROLLING men in all her method!). She indicates Circular Dating (which is not only dating men but also interacting with them in any situation) to have a better aknowledge of men and to raise your self esteem, which is great to attract men in general, even your current relationship if you have one. Men hate you make them jealous, that’s right, but they love women who are able to attract a lot of men, which is slightly different!! Another point in which I want to deffend Rori’s theory is that well, you say you don’t need to be around men to feel vulnerable and open, but don’t you think that that way is much more effective? By the way Renee, I adore your methods and bibliography, it’s just that this time I didn’t agree with you.

    • Angel

      Reply Reply July 11, 2012

      “Men hate you make them jealous, that’s right, but they love women who are able to attract a lot of men, which is slightly different!!”

      Something bothers me about this statement, which I can’t pin point exactly what. Soinds a little bit fear based and manipulative to try to *get* the man to see you a certain way…in other words trying to *get* something from the man. This is the wole point of why Renee is disagreeing witht he concept. The whole premise is based on this thinking.

      “you say you don’t need to be around men to feel vulnerable and open, but don’t you think that that way is much more effective?”

      Effective in what? If you are a person who knows how to be vunerable in general, you will be vulnerable with men. If you are a vulnerable person, then you are merely just a vulnerable person. What is it that you need to be so”effective” in? Sounds a lot like trying to “achieve” some sort of end reslt by being vulnerable, when the mindset of femininity should be that being vulnerable is a reward in it of itself, alone.

      Everytime I hear the defense of RR’s tools and concepts, the whole hidden agendas seem to become transparent. The whole point in her concepts *say* not to have an agenda, but but the agendas all become so air apparent and ends up just defeating the purpose.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply July 11, 2012

      Hi lovely Cristina, well, I do believe what you say – that Rori has said it’s to NOT control men, however, this is what is so frustrating to me:

      She suggests that Circular Dating is the best way to make a man COMMIT.

      Well, if you want to make him commit by circular dating, you are not focusing on making a man feel free with YOU.

      You’re focusing on circular dating and/or passively forcing him to commit. And in effect, this is an attempt to pull him in to a commitment. Is it not? That’s your intent, really.

      I don’t have anything against inspiring a man to commit – that’s what I teach – and I think it’s a very valuable thing for women to know how to inspire more commitment from a man whether that be more of his time, more attention, more anything.

      But then you want something – you either inspire it or try to GET it by using force.

      (I’m not making you wrong here Cristina, I’m just discussing the theories openly so that other women can read everything and make the best decision for themselves)

      If you understand men, you know that there are much better ways to inspire a man to commit without circular dating, and it will be true to him. A true decision he makes on his own beause he SEES that for one, you understand HIM.

      The thing is…in many cases circular dating seems like a cop-out. After all, you attracted this man yourself!

      Which means, what he does is on some level a reflection of you.

      As for your question: do I think being around men to practice being vulnerable and open is much more effective?

      No. If your goal is to GET to a place of vulnerability with men….(If it is), then it’s just as effective to stop right now, sit down and release all the tension in your body that you have built up over the years.

      Again, the barrier is not meeting enough men to be vulnerable and open, it’s OURSELVES.

      Men feel your vulnerability in many ways – your body language, the way you feel and talk, and the way you look and the way you act.

      Just by being at home and FEELING, you can release tension and walk out to meet men and your whole energy will be different. You can also doing it by dancing every morning, so that your body stops being rigid and begins to flow. THAT is a form of vulnerability.

      Also – one final thing I must bust – the idea that if you are dating a lot of men; then men see you as desired by other men.

      Well, as it turns out, men come with built-in systems to judge very QUICKLY whether a woman is high value and desired by other men. It’s something my man David talks about in our programs.

      And…unless you’re dating all alpha males who are high value themselves which is hard to find…then you have another problem: the QUALITY of men you’re dating. Are they High Value? Who are they?

      AND – again – this whole notion that circular dating makes you more desirable is again just to make you seem more HIGH VALUE.

      Does Angelina Jolie need to circular date? No…we all know that she doesn’t. And that is not because she’s Angelina Jolie. That is because her Value to men is apparent. It’s obvious.

      And if you see her in interview, she has a vulnerability and an emotional depth that is simply amazing – I believe she gets it from being open and honest with herself first and foremost and through her UN work and through acting and through being a mother.

      At the end of the day, i’s not circular dating that’s the problem, it’s the PLACE you do it from.

      I’m not saying don’t date a lot of men. Sure you can, that’y your decision. But when you’re with a man in some way…there are other considerations…like him.

      And….if you are with a man and you are desired by other men, it will be clear if you just step out with him. It will be clear to him.

      • cristina

        Reply Reply July 13, 2012

        Thanks Renee, you’re so sweet in your explanations! Reading your response I understand much better what you mean, and I can see that until now I may have been trying to show I am desirable and High Value instead of feeling it myself. From now on I’ll try to love myself more and respect men’s nature. Have a nice weekend and great Kisses!

  • Asma

    Reply Reply July 10, 2012

    Thank you for the article Renee. Quite brave of you to take on! I love the article and happen to agree with the points you make. I even have pressing points of my own. But I won’t go into them now. All in all, I like the attitude that love and romance are just not meant to be controlled. They bring great growth, if we just learn to see it that way.

  • maria

    Reply Reply July 10, 2012

    And you mention not having to go out on dates to open up and be vunerable. There is absolutely NO WAY you can do that. you have to practice with a man if you want a man. You may not GET that man, but it is practice on how to talk to men.
    It definitely works. And 9 x out 10, you WILL draw that man in. there are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY WOMEN WHO ARE CLOSED OFF. It amazes me.

    I didnt know i was closed years ago until i studied and practiced rori rays circular dating method. NOW i recognize when i am shutting a man down and not letting him in, in a SIMPLE conversation. He doesnt have to be my man. But when i open up to ANY MAN, it draws him in.

    THAT IS WHAT its all about its great practice. You may not get it the first time, but it works.
    It took me years, but i have to say. The men who care less about you and just wants a casual sexual relationship, will drift away when you circular date. The oneS WHO DO want you and is looking for something long term and feels like your the one, will make you his.

    It was an eye opener for me , and i have to tell you i am having the time of my life! I FEEL GOOD and in control of my emotions.

    I love it and HIGHLY recommend it.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply July 10, 2012

      Thanks Maria for sharing your experience.

      One thing: there is absolutely every way you can be vulnerable without being around men. Sure, being around men is good so called practice, but the practice of opening in ITSELF, is not dependent on meeting more men.

      For all of us, the first person we need to be vulnerable to is OURSELVES.

      For example, instead of eating that extra bite of dinner when you’re feeling full, stop and feel what you’re really feeling.

      Instead of making that new justification in conversation, stop and allow yourself to break down. Break the protective “wall” pattern.

      Stop blocking it out.

      Openness is a practice in any given moment, with or without a human being.

      And a MAN will feel it when you release that wall on your own, or with others, whenever.

      But you can NEVER fully release the walls and let love in without releasing it yourself alone as well.

      I know, it’s hard, we want to do it around others. And I am not saying don’t date other men.

      Simply don’t do it from a place of fear and certainly, don’t do it because you just want what you want without considering what’s going on from his perspective, and in his shoes. This kind of empathy and compassion can bring you closer to a man and to yourself. To your true essence – and more importantly, it can save a lot of regret. Instead of deciding off the bat to circular date because you’re not getting what you want, you make a decision based on compassion for yourself AND for him. xoxox

      • Yas

        Reply Reply July 11, 2012

        I loved this response Renee, it comes from a true place of compassion. Which is most certainly important in the success of a long-term relationship.
        “Break the protective wall pattern” is so opening for me, like there are literally windows in my body opening up. YES. We do this so often in society, like we have to constantly justify ourselves all the time. Being or doing something because you simply felt like it, and you followed your heart is ok. Admittedly I feel awkward and uncomfortable when I don’t justify myself, I guess that’s the vulnerability coming through. Thankyou for helping me see and notice that in myself
        Thankyou for a heart opening article. I could feel your energy and care in every word xx

      • Jasmin

        Reply Reply July 28, 2012

        Jasmin, here. Renee, I think that you can have empathy for a man and STILL date others if the relationship is not moving forward. Why hang around wishing and hoping and empathizing yourself out of a potentially fulfilling relationship? If you have to hang around being open and “vulnerable” with a man who doesn’t commit, chances are you’re more into him than he is into you! While I’m willing to put myself in a man’s shoes, he must must prove himself worthy of my compassion, vulnerability and time by sincerely MOVING FORWARD with the relationship. He doesn’t get it just by being a guy. At some point, you have to be willing to say “next!” Just because we may be in love doesn’t mean that we should expend our energy on a man who doesn’t love us back. That makes no sense to me. I believe there is no one right man for us. I believe that there are many “the ones.” I don’t think that maniacally dating tons of men at one time is necessarily the answer, but I think that you have to be realistic if a man won’t be exclusive and commit after a year or so. I believe that you MUST put a time limit on this. No discussion is necessary. You just tell yourself that if he hasn’t committed within x amount of time, you’re moving on! I believe that if a man is not moving forward in a relationship, he’s not in love, period. Men in love are goal and result oriented. We cannot make the man we’re into feel the same way. All we can do is improve ourselves to become high value, quality women. Now, I’m not referring in any of this to very young men, in their teens and early twenties. IMO they have no reason to be exclusive or committed. These days, they’re just too young and immature at that age to be tied down.

  • maria

    Reply Reply July 10, 2012

    I use circular dating and it definitely works.
    I do not think the circular dating is used to manipulate any man. It is used to NOT PINE over ONE MAN. If a man is not committing, there is a reason. Rori does not advise to THROW circular dating in a guys face, but to meet other guys and flirt. You dont even have to go on dates with guys, but circular dating definitely raises your self esteem and ENERGY. When your self esteem is raised, you feel better, your OUT OF DESPERATION MODE, and YOU GET TO PICK AND CHOOSE WHO WANTS TO DATE YOU. THAT is what it is all about. It is NOT about accepting ANY MAN WHO WANTS TO DATE YOU but you become a MAGNET for men. The higher your value is, the higher value men YOU ACCEPT. When you are MAGNETIC, ALL types of men want to date you. You get to choose.

    ALSO, it is male psychology. MEN VALUE WOMEN WHO OTHER MEN LOVE. Bottom line.
    Men love to go after women that other men want. You could be the most beautiful woman standing in a room but if no guys are approaching you, others wont either.

    Its about your energy and self esteem.

    And if a guy isnt committing after 6 months, he has doubts about you. WHY SIT AND WAIT. Im not saying SLAM THE DOOR, I am saying explore other options.

    I study and listen to married women. MOST OF THEM “dated” until the guy who could not live without her proposed. She didnt pine or UNDERSTAND why he wouldnt commit. She continued to live her life and moved on if he was not on the same page.

    I think the only time you should not circular date is when your married or engaged. BOTTOM LINE.

    • schatzi

      Reply Reply July 10, 2012

      “If a guy isn’t committing after 6 months, he has doubts about you.” What judgemental bullshit. Every relationship is different, which is why I love Renee’s compassionate philosophy of really gtting to know and understand a man, instead of holding their feet to the fire in order to get some form of committment. What good is committment if it was achieved through manipulation? How many marriages end in divorce because the couple completely failed to understand each other in a truly loving and honest way? I’m in a relationship in which we both felt deeply committed to each other from the start, and are enjoying taking our time to build our relationship with no pressure to advance further until we’re ready to. If I had abused his trust, and dated other guys, it would’ve hurt him very deeply. I love him enough that I would never want to do that. In the meantime I enjoy my life and do the things I like that he may not, and thats totally cool. This sort of crap encourages women to be shallow bitches who can ony resort to manipulation to get a man. How pathetic.

      • Jo

        Reply Reply July 11, 2012

        Schatzi,

        I am with you on this one. Our society nowadays is filled with this sense of instant gratification. If after 6 months a man has not committed, it’s NEXT!
        What?
        No.
        Men need patient women. It will be clear if he is really wrong for her after a short while. But if he is right, it doesn’t hurt to have a bit of patience. She will afterall need that when he does commit and marry her. Motherhood is also all about patience. Circular dating is a recipe for divorce. Because it just allows a woman to flit from man to man, with no practise at sticking with one man and getting to understand HIM.
        How pathetic indeed.
        I think your man is very lucky to have you. So many other men are not so lucky…

        • Victoria

          Reply Reply July 16, 2012

          Lol. Circular dating Rocks! and if you haven’t put a ring on it, what I do with my time when I’m not with you, is none of your business.

        • Jo2

          Reply Reply June 16, 2013

          Jo and Schatzi and AnnaC,

          I am with you ladies in this too (and I am another Jo:-)

          Circular dating is exactly why we have such a high divorce rate. Women are being trained to be adjudicators over men. No patience, as Jo said.

          I agree with Renée that Circular Dating is for the most part, a failing strategy if a woman’s goal is to have a true, devoted commitment from one man.

          Nexting a man without first trying to understand his point of view is crass, unfeminine and a recipe for personal disaster.

          As women, we can surely aspire to higher ideals than this??

      • Jasmin

        Reply Reply July 25, 2012

        Sorry, schatzi, but i disagree. In my experience it just doesn’t take most alpha males very long to commit if you’re the one they really want. This is because they don’t want you to get away! I’m not saying that you have to have a ring and a date within that time, but, if after 6 months a man isn’t at least moving towards exclusivity, he’s either not an alpha and/or he’s just not that into you. Men in love do not waste time. My husband was divorced and single for years before I met him, and he was a serious alpha catch. Within 10 months of our first date, he proposed without me every having to MENTION marriage. He was the one testing the waters to see whether Ii would accept his forthcoming proposall. It was actually kind of funny! This is why women need to stop working so hard at all this. You will know when a guy is really into you because he WANTS to commit to you within a reasonable period of time. Now, if he’s declaring his undying commitment after a month or two, it raises a red flag. He might be blowtorching you. IMO six months to a year is more than enough time for him to decide if you’re the one. Frankly, if I was crazy about a guy and he didn’t want to be exclusive by that time I would QUIETLY tell him that I plan to begin dating other men, and he’s free to date others, too. No big discussion. I’d say it once, and that would be that. I can’t imagine announcing that I planned to circular date or having some big “talk” about it to try to get him to commit. Women deserve to have the relationships they want and if he’s not giving it to you, why hang around hoping that he’ll change his mind? He probably won’t. You can’t make a man love you. It’s just not the way masculine men work and It makes no sense to ignore the truth. When men really want to commit they do it without difficulty, even in today’s online dating world.

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