You may have heard of circular dating. If you haven’t yet, I’ll let you know what it is quickly.
Circular dating is: a term coined by Rori Raye, relationship author of Have the Relationship You Want. Dating several men (at least 3) all at the same time. You accept the date with the man who calls first, and do not shuffle times or even think about manipulating the schedule in order to get dates with the man you like best, or dates to the most fun places.
There’s another level to Rori’s circular dating though, as Rori says on her blog:
Circular Dating as a Tool is not about “dating.” It’s about interacting with everyone – man, woman and child, so you can practice my tools of opening up and allowing love in and being vulnerable and sharing your feeling state – until it becomes automatic and your self-esteem soars.
First I want to say that my appreciation goes out to Rori, simply because I kow that her Circular Dating tool comes from a place of empathy for women. I appreciate her for truly considering what it’s like for a woman to be ‘attached’ to just ONE man, and feeling him not coming forward and not committing, and her resolve to looking to find a solution to that problem for us women.
Before I get in to my answer for this…I want to first say that, the very concept of circular dating, as Rori Raye puts it, is quite muffled to me. It is not always clear WHY you should circular date. So my answer to you here is the best I’ve got based on what I know about circular dating, and I have certainly spent some concentrated hours studying her theory over on her blog, and her REASONS behind advising you to circular date.
Now here’s my answer to should you circular date? According to 3 different situations:
Number 1: for women who are curently single.
Number 2: for women who are in a dating relationship for 1-5 months and he’s withdrawing; and
Number 3: for women who are in a long term relationship of 5 or more months and he’s not committing.
Number 1: you’re currently single. My answer: Sure. circular date. It’s not any different to just dating men. Circular dating is a fancy way to put it. Why should you stay and wait for one man when you are single? You shouldn’t.
Number 2: for women who are in a relationship for 1-5 months and he’s withdrawing. Ok. Think about it. If you are in this situation, why would you want to circular date?
Well, first of all, you probably don’t want to, because you wouldn’t be reading this for a solution, if you really did want to just go and date other men, you would have done that already and you wouldn’t be indecisive about it.
The fact is, you are already invested in this one man, whoever he is, and would like him to commit to you, but he isn’t, so you might consider Rori Raye’s circular dating to get yourself out of a fearful place. And to satisfy your cravings for some certainty in your life. I understand, I have had the same thoughts in my past.
Here’s the thing:
In a 1-5 month relationship, you are still dating and you cannot expect an exclusive commitment from a man UNLESS you have both discussed it. Or, UNLESS, you and the man have somehow pre-framed the relationship in a way that indicates you are both now exclusively committed. So the question is NOT should you circular date? There’s two questions you can ask yourself:
1) Are you staying in the relationship and sleeping with him, hoping that he will eventually feel ATTACHED to you because of it?
Because if you are doing this, you are sending out signals of Low Value. So stop it right now, and start being authentic. Your value is NOT in just sleeping with a man. Remember, a man will commit to you when he’s emotionally attached or in love.
2) is he REALLY not committed to you? Or is he just not as committed to you in the way you WANT right now?
Because, when you and I, as women, sit down and think or worry about how committed a man really is, we usually only see it from OUR perspective. Especially in the 1-5 month stage! We are invested pretty quickly. It is in our biology; we want pair bonding as soon as possible.
1-5 months for you as a woman might mean you’re thinking you are already in a relationship that is leading to marriage. For HIM though, he may not have even thought about a deeper relationship commitment yet, because he is a man. Not necessarily because he’s a douche.
In reality, sometimes, the man really IS committed. In his mind. And at his pace, and in his way. Men can actually choose to never marry a woman and be completely, head over heels in love and yet without a single doubt be committed her. A man can not call for 4 days and still be committed. Hard to accept? But it can be true, depending on your situation.
Lots of small things can indicate commitment on his part. It’s just that, men don’t understand women in general, and they just have no idea WHAT you want or HOW you want it – AND the problem with that is, they WILL NOT give it to you when you simply go TALK to him about what you want, because he probably can’t hear you. Instead, he hears:
Complaint. Criticism. Unhappy woman.
“Hmmm. Ok. Awesome. I AM OFFICIALLY UNSUCCESSFUL IN MAKING THIS WOMAN HAPPY. I might just go to work and forget about it all. Yeah, I like that idea. In fact, I give up. What do I do now? Who is going to show me what she needs in a way that doesn’t feel like I’m being emasculated as a man? Or maybe I should stick to casual sex. Then I don’t have to worry about making a woman happy and feeling like nothing I do is ever enough for any woman.”
Now, another thing: maybe a man is dating you out of convenience and he is still in to his ex or he just wants easy, comfortable sex. Well, if he is doing this, then it’s time you left and started dating others.
Number 3: for women who are in a long term relationship of 5 or more months and he’s not committing.
The answer is a simple no. Don’t just get up and state that you are now circular date, if what you want is happiness and commitment.
Here is why:
The biggest problem I have with circular dating is that it is FEAR meeting FEAR. And it’s a fearful tactic used to solve a fearful situation.
You are responding to his fear with your own fear.
You feel that time is running out. Or you feel…that by being emotionally invested in this ONE man, that you have gotten the short end of the stick. Or you feel….that if he’s going to fluff around, that you should have the “right” to go date other men and get your ‘needs met’.
And he is not committing out of fear. If you have taken my home study course commitment control, you would know that this fear is called Commitment Resistance. What you need to do is get a little insight in to how to overcome his commitment resistance, which basically starts with having compassion and empathy for him as a man, no matter how hurtful the situation is to you.
Also, I know that being with a man who isn’t fully committed in the way you want feels painful, I’m not going to tell you that your feelings are wrong. Because they are your feelings, and they are real to you, and I sure as hell have felt that way before. So I wouldn’t make you wrong for that.
But my question is: What will you truly get out of circular dating?
Will you get CERTAINTY that some man will commit to you? Of course not. You can’t control any man, and you also cannot always control everything. No matter how organised your life or your ideas of how dating or having children or having a relationship should turn out, things happen. The unexpected gets in the way.
Looking back over the last 10 years, haven’t things been rocky? Has everything gone to plan for you?
Then why act as if you can make everything go to plan? Why start trying to control everything?
Why not instead, start living and loving?
Some women plan to have a baby and be married by 28. That happens, they get married at 28…..which is great. Then they try for a baby expecting it to happen and it doesn’t happen for 5 years, or they end up being told they are infertile. Is it their fault? No. It’s just that, you need to accept (as I have, painfully on many occasions) that we are not in a game of control here. We are in a game of living and growing.
Control is an illusion we create to try to find some security in this crazy world of confusion and pain.
CONFIDENCE from Circular Dating?
And that’s what circular dating (for Rori’s reasons) IS. It’s a form of trying to control a man through a fearful tactic. It’s not working WITH him, it is working AGAINST him.
I date other men, because YOU don’t commit right now in the way that I want.
AND – Will you get CONFIDENCE from circular dating, as Rori Raye states that you will?
Not at all! Confidence doesn’t come from dating different people and taking whatever first offer comes (as if you have no power other than to sit there and wait for men to pursue you). Confidence is a feeling of deep certainty within yourself. A feeling of self ownership that no amount of constantly dating other people will EVER replace. And confidence is earned by doing the hard. Not the easy.
There is NO shortcut to confidence. That’s why we crave and admire the people who are self confident. Because somewhere inside, we know exactly how HARD they worked for it. And their body and mind and their actions are congruent with their sense of self ownership.
Do you admire people who have the ability to go to the toilet and do their business? No. That is pretty easily done. But we admire people who have a deep sense of confidence for one reason: there IS no short cut. It’s not like biting our nails or going to the restroom.
More Sanity Through Circular Dating?
So if you circular date, will you get SANITY and peace from all the drama of your man being cold and distant? I don’t know, maybe. But most likely not. Because it isn’t just him. Drama and uncertainty comes from you as well. It comes from the story that you tell yourself in your own head, and therefore experience in real life. It’s interesting, how perception can change everything in a heartbeat.
I would not recommend circular dating, for Rori’s reasons in any scenario. I recommend, if you want to, to date different men when you are single. No problem with that at all.
Get a COMMITMENT from a man Through Circular Dating?
But here is the trap you don’t want to FALL in to:
Do not start circular dating to get a commitment from a man.
Because to get a commitment from a man there are TWO ways to get it;
1) to Inspire it, and then his commitment is Always 100% genuine and he does it because he WORSHIPS you.
2) to force it (or passively force it, as through Circular Dating), and you know you always did it the cheap way.
The 5 Big Dangers of Rori Raye’s Circular Dating
To finish off, I want you to make your own decision. I am not here to tell you what to do. I want you to choose. so that you can make your own informed decision about whether you should circular date or not, Here are the flaws that I see in circular dating for the reason Rori gives to do it in the first place:
1) Unfortunately, circular dating makes you a passive woman. Here’s why: “Accepting the date with the man who calls first” leaves YOU on the EFFECT side of things.
Here’s the thing. In life, there is CAUSE and EFFECT. Most of us, simply because we are human beings and we aren’t always rational and logical, we THINK we are on the EFFECT side of things. We think that for example, if a man is not contacting us, then there’s nothing we can do to INSPIRE him to make the move and contact us. Wrong. I have the privilege of teaching you how to do this in Commitment Control, find out more here: http://commitment-control.com/
The problem with being on the EFFECT side of things is that you’ve not solved a single thing in the first place. You are still being passive. Assuming that your power is only so strong as going out to date different men and taking whichever date you get first is not power. It’s being passive.
The best way to solve all this if you are really looking for a solution would be to get VERY clear on what kind of man you are looking for and then become the woman that man would want to be with. (This is the secret behind attracting the right types of men!) Not only will that kind of man be irresistibly attracted to you and your energy, you won’t have to look far and wide to find him, he’ll find you.
Of course, it’s easier said than done, because often, we feel desperate since time is ticking, and we think that the next easiest man with resources who comes along and gives us some attention should be who we settle for.
Being on the EFFECT side of things assumes that you have little power to inspire commitment and more intense feelings of attraction in the man you want. That is pure lunacy. You have far more influence to enchant any man than you could ever dream possible. It simply takes you to start being on the cause end of things, rather than the effect end of things, and being passive.
And it’s not about controlling men. It’s about inspiring them as the goddess that you are inside.
2) According to Rori, you circular date “so you can practice my tools of opening up and allowing love in and being vulnerable and sharing your feeling state – until it becomes automatic and your self-esteem soars.”
Here’s the thing: opening up, and “allowing love in and being vulnerable and sharing your feeling state” has nothing to do with circular dating.
If you want to open, you do it right now. You do it as you read. You do it as you walk…
You read something that touches a nerve, and you let yourself break down. You walk past a mother and a baby, and you wish you had that, and you allow the emotional wound to open and to allow the burning feeling of yearning in your heart to fire up.
You walk past a man loving kissing a woman’s head, and you open and let yourself be inspired by that moment of love.
You are with a man who is not giving you the attention you want, and you allow yourself to open either alone in the dark or WITH him, and you cry or you feel intensely hurt and angry, simply because of life. Not because of HIM. It’s not him. It’s life – It just isn’t working out the way you want right now. And that really, really hurts.
And you open by showing that, experiencing that truth. And sharing it firstly with yourself, and perhaps with him.
See, opening has nothing to do with circular dating. Open now and you will either get rid of the man you currently love, or you walk out on the street as an open, beautiful woman and because of that openness, you will attract a good man.
3) If you’ve been reading my work for a little while, you know that I teach that in order to attract a man who doesn’t just casually take care of you, but who worships the ground you walk upon, and would DIE for you, you need to be High Value and High Status.
Well, Rori Raye’s circular dating is just another tool that is being offered to you as a way to advertise your ‘High Value’. That’s all that it really is. A quick way to create some High Value for yourself. Hoping he will commit. Here’s the problem with circular dating in this situation: it’s good for a split second, but it is also very quick to irritate and scare the men around you.
Just because your ONE man doesn’t commit, doesn’t mean another man committing to you through circular dating is a GOOD thing, because YOU haven’t necessarily changed. It’s just that your tactic has changed.
By the time men see or hear that circular dating is what you want to do, they can’t appreciate your value anymore, because you’ve lost it, because they associate you with being the woman who made them feel PRESSURED in to doing something. Or the woman who left when it was hard. And all of a sudden, you probably seem like a fearful woman who needs to date other men to feel confident and to try to TAKE a commitment from the best man that she can get it from.
4) Circular dating uses force to get you out of desperation. Circular dating is NOT a solution based on a true understanding of men. It’s based on a selfish way to get your own needs met without considering him. You are trying to force him (or some other man) in to a commitment by trapping him.
5) Circular dating is essentially a tool to confine and trap a man, when it is done out of fear. And this is SO frustrating for me to hear because the one thing masculinity desires is FREEDOM.
And a man wants to feel fee WITH you. He doesn’t want to feel you trying to trap him. Men have spent millenia running from Low Value women who try to just trap them out of fear.
Essentially, if you circular date to get a commitment, the man will feel everything as a restriction of his freedom. Wouldn’t you agree? You’re trying to get your current man, or ANY man to COMMIT to you.
If you want to get it in that way, no man will ever feel free with you and you will be single and childless forever.
Circular Dating: Has it Actually Changed your Mindset?
Let’s see. He’s not committing. You need a commitment. Or so you think you do. So you go date other men to get that commitment.
Now here’s my question about that: does circular dating CHANGE the way you approach your relationship with this current man in the first place?
Are you assuming that some other man will be better? Well, what if he is? Can you rely on that? No. Most likely, you will go along and have the exact same problem with another man, because your underlying mindset and BELIEFS about men and dating and the world have not changed at all.
Which means that you will attract the same kind of man.
My conclusion is this: Date a lot of men if you are single and if you are open to that idea. But do not circular date to get your current man (or some other man) to commit. Force doesn’t work. It’s simply trying to solve fear with fear. And that is not solving anything.
Attracting men does solve something. Don’t use your fear to meet this man’s fear.
If you are currently in a relationship for 5 or more months, well, you attracted your current man for a reason. You can’t bail out saying ”HE’S NOT COMMITTING!” and in turn, turn your back on him because you’re scared. You attracted him for a reason. He didn’t just fall in to your life. You attracted him!
On some level, what you do – the energy you put out to the world and to men, is returned to you multiplied.
He’s not only NOT commiting because of him – he’s also not committing because of you, and the way your relationship together makes him FEEL. He’s fearful and so are you. For whatever reason.
As author and speaker David Deida says, we always attract our reciprocal. If your current man is fearful of committing, his fear matches your fear. My guess is that, at the heart of it all, you do not want to circular date at all. You just want to feel free. You want to feel like you can open to a man, or to men, and to give your gift of your feminine energy and love and be loved without feeing afraid and restricted. And, the only person restricting you is yourself.
Well, you don’t need anybody’s permission. You have now.
What you need to know is: if you choose to open now and not WAIT for some new men, you won’t even have the problem anymore. The quality of commitment and the quality of men you attract is a direct reflection of how committed and open YOU are and how much of a quality woman you allow yourself to show up as.
Your barrier is not men, it’s yourself.
Here is the bottom line:
Don’t make decisions out of FEAR. The moment you make a decision out of fear, you just made the wrong decision.
If you want to circular date, be absolutely SURE that you are not doing it out of fear, or to get a commitment from a man. Unless you want to become low value.
If you are committed to becoming a High Value woman, and really want to inspire a deep and passionate commitment from a man, it is not a dream. It is possible. I don’t have ALL the answers. But I certainly have some, and I can show you how to inspire a deep commitment in Commitment Control. Check it out here:
P.S – Have you tried Circular Dating? If so, what were your experiences? Do you want to try circular dating? Your experience may help hundreds of other women make the right decision, so do share your experience with circular dating below.