When is the Right time to Sleep with a Man?

When is the Right time to sleep with a man

We live in a politically correct world right? In other words, it doesn’t matter how soon you sleep with a man, right? Wrong.

But, not for the reasons you think. Not because men have double standards. But for your happiness and relationship success. (Click here to get your “Goddess Report”)

Men will ‘categorize’ women in to either one of two categories, whether we like it or not. They still do it. You are either a ‘just for a good time’ girl, or wife material. This doesn’t mean that men are right, or that this is a good way or categorizing women; it’s just what commonly happens, on a surface level, and you need to be aware of it.

Pre-framing your relationship with a Man

And, the sooner you sleep with a man without building ATTRACTION first, the harder it is going to be to develop a committed relationship with him. Why? Because the beginning stages of a relationship or courtship are when the FUTURE of a relationship is pre-framed. (Click here to find out if you’re “Dating a Commitment Friendly Man” by completing this quiz)

What I mean is; if you sleep with a man early, it’s highly likely that he will only see you as someone he sleeps with, not someone he marries; and he might be more likely to keep expecting that. When it’s done, it’s hard to change the original ‘terms’ you created for the relationship at the start. There’s a reason for this, and it has to do with how men are built; how their brains are wired, but I won’t go in to that stuff here.

Is this fair? Not at all. It’s downright painful at times, for a woman to be in this position, or to make such a move and then find herself in a position she never intended to be in, but it’s how it is.

I don’t believe in holding back sex out of fear that he will run. That decision is coming from the totally wrong place. And more importantly, I don’t believe in feeling guilty over sleeping with a man too early. Neither of these two things are in the least bit relevant, or useful in your life. We’re aiming for happiness and passion in your love life, not feelings of guilt or just becoming overly controlling about what the “right” decision is.

So what is best for you as a woman, is to start off with awareness of how men think in this area, and then make the right decisions for your own life, through true awareness. (read my article about understanding men)

When it comes to men and your choice of when to sleep with a man, you need to be aware of only these two important things:

1) Men want to have sex, but what they actually NEED is to feel attraction. That is what they are looking for, underneath the many cries for sex, sex, sex.

So, sex is rarely what they really want. As a woman, its your job to remember that, for your own happiness, and not expect men to tell you that.

Because too many women do not know this, and then they don’t know what else to give a man, so they feel pressured to have sex with him (which they do), and then the man leaves, which is very hurtful the day after, when you are left feeling used.

2) If there is not enough attraction between you and a man, he will be more likely to push for sex, and with much more urgency.

If you want to be a High Value, High Status woman, you need to realize that if you are not focusing on building attraction with men, you will find yourself having slept with men, but most of them would have run; only because there was not enough attraction. (Click here to learn what are the 17 Attraction Triggers)

Is the Question: How Soon is too soon to sleep with a man?

To be frank: the question is not WHEN should you sleep with a man, or how SOON is too soon to sleep with a man. The question is: how much attraction is there between you and the man that you are dating?

That’s the simple secret to men: Attraction. It’s not sex. After all, if it was sex, why would men actually turn DOWN offers of sex from hookers? I was recently in Singapore, and mistakenly ended up in a hotel in the red light district after a mistake in booking a hotel (a long story) and to my dismay, for the two nights I was there, every morning and evening I would look out the window, and witness many young women approaching men with offers of sex (at a price of course), and a majority of men turned down the offers for sex.

Most single men can afford a night with a hooker, especially in parts of Asia where I was, yet I personally witnessed one man after another, turning young women’s offers for sex away. (read my article about the side effects of birth control pill)

Men must just want sex, right?

No.

Men want to feel attraction.

What if YOU want casual sex with a man?

So, what if YOU just want to sleep with a man, you ask? Well, that’s up to you. That’s your decision. Perhaps, if you have already decided that a man is not marriage material, that you want to just have casual sex with him. That’s your choice. But you DO have to be aware that, even though this might seem safe and convenient, what you are doing, effectively, is tarnishing your own ‘associations’ with sex by settling for what’s comfortable and convenient at the time. A 5/10 experience.

At our core, what we want, is not just some sex, or just a good time. We want something deeper, something infinitely passionate, something that makes us feel alive. The longer you go with just a sex friend, rather than opening your heart and being vulnerable to the right man, and the longer you have sex with someone you are NOT passionate about and would NOT die for, the more you imprint associations in to your brain of mediocre, ‘ok’, experiences, and that in turn effects the energy that you put out in to the world, to another man who may be worth spending the rest of your life with. (read my article about how to make a guy want you)

So what is the solution?

This is the solution: keep your focus where it benefits you and your future relationship the most: focus on creating attraction with men.  Then, everything else will fall in place naturally, and it will all feel ‘right’ to you.

Become that woman who is irresistibly attractive, playful, fun and fascinating, so that men are more interested in committing themselves to you than just having sex with you.

The situation is right when a man is compelled to keep contacting you even when you haven’t had sex.

And this is ESPECIALLY true for a man whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. Attraction is the truly valuable experience that a man wants, not just sex. If you want to become an expert at doing that with men, click here to join Attraction Control Monthly also learn about the 17 Attraction Triggers.

Attraction and passion FIRST; then sex. Once there is enough attraction, sex will happen at the right time completely NATURALLY, without you having to beat yourself up with guilt over ‘sleeping with him too soon’ or laying awake at night wondering when is the ‘right’ time. It’s for your own future and benefit.

And when you prioritize the feelings of Attraction between you and a man, you let the tension build up slowly, and everything will be a much better experience for both of you.

Now over to you: what are your thoughts on sex with men? How soon is too soon and what recommendations do you have for other women who are unsure about when they should and shouldn’t have sex with a man?

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  • Alicia

    with men I tried everything, and anything, men just will not tell you what they want, lately, men have so many choices, they will even hurt any girl regardless of what cultural rightness says
    Men have too many choices and plainly don’t care if they hurt or not. They drink a beer and they think they are in heaven with anyone, I gave up on thinking positive about relationships. I know the one for me is out there, and he will find me, I don’t have time to find him. He will know who and where I am, I don’t have time to know that.
    I don’t have time for anyone to find anyone. He will find me now, he will.
    Alicia

  • romeo

    If you buy french vanilla ice cream and put it in the freezer don’t expect it to magically change into strawberry tomorrow.

    Act and dress for the kind of relationship you want to have. Don’t market yourself one way and think he is going to look at you differently.

    If you dress and act as a hooker to attract him, that is, frequent pubs/clubs, high heels, high hem lines, advertising cleavage, tight clothes, mask of makeup, tattoos, and excessive scent to cover the smell of other men then expect him to treat you as one. Only in the lies of the movies do prostitutes make good wives. He cannot telepathically read your mind to find the real you. All he has to go on is how you present yourself.

    Look at it through his eyes; if you go into a place trying to get other men’s attention then you are clearly telling him he is not special to you. He’s just another John to service, buy me something, pay for my pleasure. Your dress can change a fun night on the town into a competitive situation where he can either ‘fight for you’ or ‘leave you’. Little by little it takes a toll. The more you put him in this situation the more he will lean to ‘leave you’. He can’t fight, real or figuratively, the thousands of men that you seek pleasure from. And don’t expect him to say anything either. It’ll just quietly happen. One day you’ll ask if he likes what you’re wearing and he’ll just say ‘yes’ without even looking. He grew too tired and was beat up to much to continue to ‘fight for you’ anymore. This is just one area where he can’t win. It’s all on the woman’s court. If he says he doesn’t like what you’re wearing you’ll get upset because it’s popular and you like the attention. If he asks you to be more modest you’ll tell him you have the right to be naked in public and the attention it garners should let him know how great he has it besides the waves, whistles, winks, glances, comments, come ons, etc mean nothing to you. Avoid this trap; it never ends well and, divorce or not, it always ends.

    If you want marriage, that is to say, you want one special man in your life then dress and act that way. Show him through your dress and actions that he is the only man you give pleasure to. Consider going against popular rituals and in public discard those awkward high heels, cover that lovely skin and figure, lean more Au Naturale and do whatever else is needed to not force him into a ‘losing you’ situation. You are a woman and his wife. You are not the community’s pleasure toy!

    Alone in the privacy of your own home turn on all the feminine allure you can muster. If someone visits immediately return to modest. The more exclusive you make him feel the more comfortable the relations and, if all goes well, the more special he will treat you. In the old days this was called showing and sharing love.

    Note: Jessica of course this attitude of exclusiveness applies to men. It’s just that the web site emphasizes the woman.

  • TElle

    I’m just honestly at the point where I refuse to even think about sex until AFTER the contracts are signed & he has but his name on the dotted line. & my contract I mean a ring, & a ceremony.
    I don’t believe in wondering when the perfect time is at all, the perfect timing is when he is ready to go through with becoming one with me & that’s not even good enough, he has to go through with it.

    & if a guy leaves after knowing that’s what it requires to sleep with me, then GOOD! He wasn’t worth my time to begin with. & even if his attraction is there if lying ir any disloyal actions or communication happens I’m ending it. Love, convenience, attraction, none of that honestly matters to me anymore, I simply can not & will not put up with uncompromising circumstances from men any longer.

  • Joe

    Guy here… Forget the guy who don’t appreciate your and what you put out. If the guy wasn’t ready for a relationship and lacks the tact to express it, he still is not the guy for you, move on. Guys are definitely looking for high value women and this is demonstrated in a number of ways. Any man worth his salt will recognise the positive in the woman such as her generosity, kindness, honesty and vulnerability. The same man that is worth anything will recognise the negative such as manipulation and general bs. This gets magnified when it comes to sex so be careful. Whatever approach you take, the man will either choose to accept or decide you are not the woman for him and move on. Doesn’t matter the consequences as long as you are coming from an honest place within you.

  • Stacy

    I think that I’ve had this problem. I slept with someone who was pretty interesting, however I was too available and too attached therefore he saw me as “low quality”. I don’t think of myself in this way, but its hard to forget that men and women alike judge women harshly for their sexual behavior. I think slut-shaming is bad, but if that’s the way the world works, I’d prefer to be seen as “high quality”. The important thing is that no matter what I do, I feel confident in who I am and what I do, but in the future, I will definitely pay more attention to how others think of me. Not because I need their validation, but because I want my vision of myself to match my perceived vision… It’s the harsh reality, but I will not sleep with someone so quickly or be more discreet about it and realize that that’s all it will ever be.

  • Juliette

    The thing about attraction is right, I had times when dated for weeks before having sex, and it was a awful when it happened. And there been man I slept on a first date, and it was fab, and we been together for long. If you are tight for each other, and enjoy sex, share fantasies together, than time is not a factor, joy is.

    • romeo

      It is quite popular these days to teach females to think of their body’s as toys to be taken out and played with. And many females comply with the teaching!

      Bars, nightclubs, dating sites, and mega-concerts couldn’t exist without them. Hope to see you soon.

  • rawr

    you forgot to mention that men don’t want to marry sluts. if a woman is so out of touch with her femininity that she has many sexual partners just for fun, or without expecting marriage and a family, that tells a man that she is low value, toxic, and probably not capable of appreciating a quality man. sorry ladies, your past does matter, in fact it’s the probably the first thing men look at.

    • Jessica

      The same applies to men. Women don’t want to marry male whores either. Your past matters as well. The reason most females do what males do is because they figure if a man can do it, a woman can too. Sometimes it takes the script to be flipped for men to realize that what you do to a woman will come back to you ten-fold.

      • romeo

        Relax and enjoy presenting your viewpoint, there’s no need to be so edgy and aggressive.

        jawr: Men almost never look at a woman’s past. Primarily because he has no way to know. Most women don’t notch their belts for each sex partner.
        But I do agree that few men want a woman that behaves as if it is her duty to give pleasure to the entire community.

        Jessica: Agreed, low grade men are just as bad. Men seeking to spread their wild oats are quite disgusting. However females trying to be males is a guaranteed way to end the relation. He wants a woman, not a competitive man and consequently she wants a man, not a competitive woman.

        • Jessica

          Thanks Romeo. It’s nice to see that I’m not the only one who looks at things from both sides. In short, men and women have caused anger, hatred and resentment to each other. That’s what happens when the sexes battle each other.

  • Britney

    Same here Sue. I didn’t enjoy sex with my partner because he wasn’t good. I could orgasm if I masturbated, but not with him. I was also at a point were I was vulnerable and lonely and he also took advantage, constantly deceived me, and lied. I finally left him after all the cheating and I just can’t stop thinking of him. I’ve never contacted him since but he is always on my mind

    -Brit

  • Elle

    I have only been on three dates with a guy, but we went to a party together and i got too drunk and slept with him. I am aware that i shouldn’t have done that, and i have learned my lesson! He hasn’t talked to me much since. I may have turned him off by getting too drunk. He did look after me though which was nice.Are me and him finished now? i don’t know what to do except give him space…

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  • http://soulsistashakti.com soul sista

    i have sex when i want to. if he leaves me, fuck it. i’m too old for this bullshit. there are plenty of men that want to spend time with me.

    • Karri

      I agree, there is time in life when fuck the games, I have been in a sexless marriage for 5 years, I am single now and dammit I am horney! I don’t sleep around either, just want one guy but damn if they don’t all run….whatever

  • http://www.effectivedatingtips.com ark itk

    I love how you say that you don’t believe in holding out on sex out of the fear that the guy will run away. As a man, I know that what makes you stay or run is not how soon I have sex with a girl, but other far more significant factors, including the quality of the sex we have and especially how much I like the girl as a person otherwise. Femininity is surely one of the most attractive qualities sexually and in just about every other way.

    I wish you wrote an article about feminism, business women in big cities and how it affects their life, dating and interactions with men. So much to be said about this very current issue.

  • http://renee@thefemininewoman.com sandra

    Renee Hi!

    I have learnt a lot from this lesson.
    I have this problem and i dont know what is causing this and how to solve it. Quiet alright i don’t do sex much with men, but when i want and feel like having sex and the man comes again the feelings go away. This problem started the first time i had sex with my boyfriend, I didnt feel anything good but pain and it is still continuing.

    Even if i have a new boyfriend its just the same i don’t enjoy sex. Thats why i dont have sex with my man mostly even if demands it. But when we have sex my man always say he enjoys it and that am sweet. Am afred of telling that i dont enjoy coz he not his problem its mine and all the men i slept with is just the same.

    please i need help, i might loose my life man because of fearing to have sex with him.

    I dont ENJOY SEX RENEE!!!

    Help me.

    thank you because you are my best adviser ever since i started going through your article, am changing in all parts which i have to.

    Sandra.

    • Karri

      Hi Ark,

      Thanks for responding, I prefer to hear how a guy thinks over what women think. I have to agree with you. Just because I may sleep with someone I find very attractive inside and out does make me a bad person or a person who sleeps around. I am the full package and if they can’t see that, then I guess its not meant to be. Anyway, thanks again.

    • http://thefemininewoman.com Sue

      Hi Sandra: I fell just about the same way you do. I am sure I am older than you but the truth is that I just do not enjoy sex. If I masturbate by my self I enjoy and can have an orgasm. But I can’t have it with a man. I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 4 years. We had sex the first day with met. I felt a great attraction for him but the sex was terrible, painful, not enjoy. I was feeling lonely and did not want to let him go because I ended falling in love with him. He deceived me, lied, and took advantage because I felt lonely and needed him. We have been apart on and off and I cant take him off my mind. But no more sex with him. And I don’t even want to try to meet another man. My loneliness is terrible and I no longer want to be used.

  • Sofia

    We had a debate around FB with another coach (she has his group there, she is whom she encourge us to have sex with the man and skipping all the attraction thing bcos if we dont sleep with the man he would think that we are not really ”in to him” and he would leave us bcos we are difficult woman.

    She doesnt believe in building the attraction first, she just say that we have to go with the flow and that if we dont demand him anything after the sex, we will def keep him bcos with us not being ”emotional” he would be very in love with us.

    Of course I am not buying it (I am not stupid to follow her advice) and she even puts herself as an example saying that is the way he kept his BF coming for more bcos she was just to irresistable bcos she wasent ”emotional and go with the flow kind of woman”. But was most amazing is that men (in the same group) agreed with her about the sex and that women are way dramitacal when it comes to sex.

    And I am trying real hard undestanding my guy friend who says he wants to have sex with me. He says that he appreciates me and that we got along pretty well and that he feels attraction towards me (he gets really nervous and stuff), and he asks me if I could have sex with him. And I say no. But he keeps insisting me on that and now I have blocked him on FB. Dont want to hear from him again. Did I made the right decision to not see him again?

    • http://www.thefemininewoman.com/ Renee Wade

      Hi Sophia, which coach is this you’re referring to?

      • Sofia

        The coach is Katarina Phang ”The Man Whisperer”. She teaches how to be ”not emotional” and be ”agreedable” woman so we can be a magnet to guys bcos that is the main reason why they leave us bcos we are drama queens. She talks alot about EUMs (EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABLE MEN). How not to have the ”talk” bcos that is why they run away, etc..etc…But I dont see any post about that theme in here with you, about EUMs.

        • Sofia

          Oh yeah and I forgot the ”leaning back” method.

        • http://www.thefemininewoman.com/ Renee Wade

          Hi Sofia,

          I don’t know her work very well.

          You may have misinterpreted what she says (most people misinterpret advice as people see what they want to see for various reasons), BUT should you have not misinterpreted her advice and what you’re saying here is actually an accurate reflection of what she means…

          I would say you need deeper answers than those. ie: WHY the talk doesn’t work, not just the surface reason of ‘men don’t want to be talked in to it’.

          Keep searching. You will find the answers.

    • Anais

      Hi Sofia,

      I’ve read Katarina’s work too and while I disagree with women having sex “whenever” if they want to become more serious, I find her advice rather empowering to women compared to the “he only likes you for sex, he doesn’t like you and he’s just not that into you, dump him!” etc advice out there. The reason I feel it’s good to wait a bit (if you want to create a serious relationship) is that the man will have had more time to become emotionally attracted to the woman after a few dates than just one date.

      Despite some of my disagreements, I can see where Katarina’s perspective is coming from. Her advice helped me further see that sex isn’t where our true power lies and if we are truly a feminine high value woman, many women wouldn’t feel like they were “giving up all their power” when they have sex. She mentions how women often withhold sex out of fear. A lot of women also act as though nothing is in it for them when they have sex and it’s all about “giving it up to the man” when he wants it

      She mentions that most women become very desperate and clingy after sex and that’s what drives men away, not the act of sex itself. I found the main point to that advice is to be that withholding sex out of fear that he’ll leave isn’t what makes a guy commit–it’s the emotional attraction. She also says women should be free to date other men if there is no boyfriend+girlfriend commitment yet, while being a high value woman. And when you do that, you naturally inspire one man to commit. I agree with this as well.

      Her work is about wielding feminine energy and being a high value woman because that’s what makes the right guy hooked.
      As for her advice to be “not emotional and go with the flow”, it could help women to live more in the present and less angst with expectation of commitment. She used the example of how her boyfriend told her he wasn’t looking for anything serious when they first met and she said “neither am I”. So they had sex early on but because she was so in tune with her feminine energy and she let him lead with is masculine energy, he found that irresistible. So he still wanted to commit to her despite already having sex. In addition her “no expectations” advice makes a point that showing appreciation for what a man does instead of complaining about what he isn’t doing (e.g. commitment, not calling enough, etc) is more likely to inspire him to devote more to you.

      My 2 cents on your situation- sounds like your male friend is looking for a friends with benefits thing that may suit his needs in his current life situation, since he knows you and he’s physically attracted to you. There must be something attractive about you to him that would make him ask you over a hundred other women. However it sounds like you don’t wish to have that type of relationship so you did the right thing by saying no. Based on the information you provided, I don’t feel you had to cut him off, you could have explained to him you like him as a friend but having sex outside dating isn’t your thing (or what ever it is you prefer for yourself). Then see what he decides.

      If you were ok with having that type of relationship with him, saying yes would be your choice. But you’d have to be able to say yes without *expecting* it to be more, which is what usually happens in fwb relationships. They start out casual and then it’s usually the woman who begins to wish it was something more. They CAN change into something more but it means focusing on building up the connection and emotional attraction. And not treating it like a serious relationship if it isn’t one. You could do that while getting to know a guy who starts off more devoted to you, or you could leave the fwb guy completely. :-)