When is the Right time to Sleep with a Man?

when is the right time to sleep with a aman

We live in a politically correct world right? In other words, it doesn’t matter how soon you sleep with a man, right? Wrong.

But, not for the reasons you think. Not because men have double standards. But for your happiness and relationship success.

Men will ‘categorize’ women in to either one of two categories, whether we like it or not. They still do it. You are either a ‘just for a good time’ girl, or wife material. This doesn’t mean that men are right, or that this is a good way or categorizing women; it’s just what commonly happens, on a surface level, and you need to be aware of it.

Pre-framing your relationship with a Man

And, the sooner you sleep with a man without building ATTRACTION first, the harder it is going to be to develop a committed relationship with him. Why? Because the beginning stages of a relationship or courtship are when the FUTURE of a relationship is pre-framed.

What I mean is; if you sleep with a man early, it’s highly likely that he will only see you as someone he sleeps with, not someone he marries; and he might be more likely to keep expecting that. When it’s done, it’s hard to change the original ‘terms’ you created for the relationship at the start. There’s a reason for this, and it has to do with how men are built; how their brains are wired, but I won’t go in to that stuff here.

Is this fair? Not at all. It’s downright painful at times, for a woman to be in this position, or to make such a move and then find herself in a position she never intended to be in, but it’s how it is.

I don’t believe in holding back sex out of fear that he will run. That decision is coming from the totally wrong place. And more importantly, I don’t believe in feeling guilty over sleeping with a man too early. Neither of these two things are in the least bit relevant, or useful in your life. We’re aiming for happiness and passion in your love life, not feelings of guilt or just becoming overly controlling about what the “right” decision is.

So what is best for you as a woman, is to start off with awareness of how men think in this area, and then make the right decisions for your own life, through true awareness. (read my article about understanding men)

When it comes to men and your choice of when to sleep with a man, you need to be aware of only these two important things:

1) Men want to have sex, but what they actually NEED is to feel attraction. That is what they are looking for, underneath the many cries for sex, sex, sex.

So, sex is rarely what they really want. As a woman, its your job to remember that, for your own happiness, and not expect men to tell you that.

Because too many women do not know this, and then they don’t know what else to give a man, so they feel pressured to have sex with him (which they do), and then the man leaves, which is very hurtful the day after, when you are left feeling used.

2) If there is not enough attraction between you and a man, he will be more likely to push for sex, and with much more urgency.

If you want to be a High Value, High Status woman, you need to realize that if you are not focusing on building attraction with men, you will find yourself having slept with men, but most of them would have run; only because there was not enough attraction.

Is the Question: How Soon is too soon to sleep with a man?

To be frank: the question is not WHEN should you sleep with a man, or how SOON is too soon to sleep with a man. The question is: how much attraction is there between you and the man that you are dating?

That’s the simple secret to men: Attraction. It’s not sex. After all, if it was sex, why would men actually turn DOWN offers of sex from hookers? I was recently in Singapore, and mistakenly ended up in a hotel in the red light district after a mistake in booking a hotel (a long story) and to my dismay, for the two nights I was there, every morning and evening I would look out the window, and witness many young women approaching men with offers of sex (at a price of course), and a majority of men turned down the offers for sex.

Most single men can afford a night with a hooker, especially in parts of Asia where I was, yet I personally witnessed one man after another, turning young women’s offers for sex away. (read my article about the side effects of birth control pill)

Men must just want sex, right?

No.

Men want to feel attraction.

What if YOU want casual sex with a man?

So, what if YOU just want to sleep with a man, you ask? Well, that’s up to you. That’s your decision. Perhaps, if you have already decided that a man is not marriage material, that you want to just have casual sex with him. That’s your choice. But you DO have to be aware that, even though this might seem safe and convenient, what you are doing, effectively, is tarnishing your own ‘associations’ with sex by settling for what’s comfortable and convenient at the time. A 5/10 experience.

At our core, what we want, is not just some sex, or just a good time. We want something deeper, something infinitely passionate, something that makes us feel alive. The longer you go with just a sex friend, rather than opening your heart and being vulnerable to the right man, and the longer you have sex with someone you are NOT passionate about and would NOT die for, the more you imprint associations in to your brain of mediocre, ‘ok’, experiences, and that in turn effects the energy that you put out in to the world, to another man who may be worth spending the rest of your life with. (read my article about how to make a guy want you)

So what is the solution?

This is the solution: keep your focus where it benefits you and your future relationship the most: focus on creating attraction with men.  Then, everything else will fall in place naturally, and it will all feel ‘right’ to you.

Become that woman who is irresistibly attractive, playful, fun and fascinating, so that men are more interested in committing themselves to you than just having sex with you.

The situation is right when a man is compelled to keep contacting you even when you haven’t had sex.

And this is ESPECIALLY true for a man whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. Attraction is the truly valuable experience that a man wants, not just sex. If you want to become an expert at doing that with men, join Attraction Control Monthly.

Attraction and passion FIRST; then sex. Once there is enough attraction, sex will happen at the right time completely NATURALLY, without you having to beat yourself up with guilt over ‘sleeping with him too soon’ or laying awake at night wondering when is the ‘right’ time. It’s for your own future and benefit.

And when you prioritize the feelings of Attraction between you and a man, you let the tension build up slowly, and everything will be a much better experience for both of you.

Now over to you: what are your thoughts on sex with men? How soon is too soon and what recommendations do you have for other women who are unsure about when they should and shouldn’t have sex with a man?

Renee the feminine woman

 

106 Comments

  • soul sista

    Reply Reply November 22, 2013

    i have sex when i want to. if he leaves me, fuck it. i’m too old for this bullshit. there are plenty of men that want to spend time with me.

    • Karri

      Reply Reply November 24, 2013

      I agree, there is time in life when fuck the games, I have been in a sexless marriage for 5 years, I am single now and dammit I am horney! I don’t sleep around either, just want one guy but damn if they don’t all run….whatever

  • ark itk

    Reply Reply November 22, 2013

    I love how you say that you don’t believe in holding out on sex out of the fear that the guy will run away. As a man, I know that what makes you stay or run is not how soon I have sex with a girl, but other far more significant factors, including the quality of the sex we have and especially how much I like the girl as a person otherwise. Femininity is surely one of the most attractive qualities sexually and in just about every other way.

    I wish you wrote an article about feminism, business women in big cities and how it affects their life, dating and interactions with men. So much to be said about this very current issue.

  • sandra

    Reply Reply November 19, 2013

    Renee Hi!

    I have learnt a lot from this lesson.
    I have this problem and i dont know what is causing this and how to solve it. Quiet alright i don’t do sex much with men, but when i want and feel like having sex and the man comes again the feelings go away. This problem started the first time i had sex with my boyfriend, I didnt feel anything good but pain and it is still continuing.

    Even if i have a new boyfriend its just the same i don’t enjoy sex. Thats why i dont have sex with my man mostly even if demands it. But when we have sex my man always say he enjoys it and that am sweet. Am afred of telling that i dont enjoy coz he not his problem its mine and all the men i slept with is just the same.

    please i need help, i might loose my life man because of fearing to have sex with him.

    I dont ENJOY SEX RENEE!!!

    Help me.

    thank you because you are my best adviser ever since i started going through your article, am changing in all parts which i have to.

    Sandra.

    • Karri

      Reply Reply November 24, 2013

      Hi Ark,

      Thanks for responding, I prefer to hear how a guy thinks over what women think. I have to agree with you. Just because I may sleep with someone I find very attractive inside and out does make me a bad person or a person who sleeps around. I am the full package and if they can’t see that, then I guess its not meant to be. Anyway, thanks again.

  • Sofia

    Reply Reply November 10, 2013

    We had a debate around FB with another coach (she has his group there, she is whom she encourge us to have sex with the man and skipping all the attraction thing bcos if we dont sleep with the man he would think that we are not really ”in to him” and he would leave us bcos we are difficult woman.

    She doesnt believe in building the attraction first, she just say that we have to go with the flow and that if we dont demand him anything after the sex, we will def keep him bcos with us not being ”emotional” he would be very in love with us.

    Of course I am not buying it (I am not stupid to follow her advice) and she even puts herself as an example saying that is the way he kept his BF coming for more bcos she was just to irresistable bcos she wasent ”emotional and go with the flow kind of woman”. But was most amazing is that men (in the same group) agreed with her about the sex and that women are way dramitacal when it comes to sex.

    And I am trying real hard undestanding my guy friend who says he wants to have sex with me. He says that he appreciates me and that we got along pretty well and that he feels attraction towards me (he gets really nervous and stuff), and he asks me if I could have sex with him. And I say no. But he keeps insisting me on that and now I have blocked him on FB. Dont want to hear from him again. Did I made the right decision to not see him again?

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply November 10, 2013

      Hi Sophia, which coach is this you’re referring to?

      • Sofia

        Reply Reply November 11, 2013

        The coach is Katarina Phang ”The Man Whisperer”. She teaches how to be ”not emotional” and be ”agreedable” woman so we can be a magnet to guys bcos that is the main reason why they leave us bcos we are drama queens. She talks alot about EUMs (EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABLE MEN). How not to have the ”talk” bcos that is why they run away, etc..etc…But I dont see any post about that theme in here with you, about EUMs.

        • Sofia

          Reply Reply November 11, 2013

          Oh yeah and I forgot the ”leaning back” method.

        • Renee Wade

          Reply Reply November 11, 2013

          Hi Sofia,

          I don’t know her work very well.

          You may have misinterpreted what she says (most people misinterpret advice as people see what they want to see for various reasons), BUT should you have not misinterpreted her advice and what you’re saying here is actually an accurate reflection of what she means…

          I would say you need deeper answers than those. ie: WHY the talk doesn’t work, not just the surface reason of ‘men don’t want to be talked in to it’.

          Keep searching. You will find the answers.

    • Anais

      Reply Reply November 18, 2013

      Hi Sofia,

      I’ve read Katarina’s work too and while I disagree with women having sex “whenever” if they want to become more serious, I find her advice rather empowering to women compared to the “he only likes you for sex, he doesn’t like you and he’s just not that into you, dump him!” etc advice out there. The reason I feel it’s good to wait a bit (if you want to create a serious relationship) is that the man will have had more time to become emotionally attracted to the woman after a few dates than just one date.

      Despite some of my disagreements, I can see where Katarina’s perspective is coming from. Her advice helped me further see that sex isn’t where our true power lies and if we are truly a feminine high value woman, many women wouldn’t feel like they were “giving up all their power” when they have sex. She mentions how women often withhold sex out of fear. A lot of women also act as though nothing is in it for them when they have sex and it’s all about “giving it up to the man” when he wants it

      She mentions that most women become very desperate and clingy after sex and that’s what drives men away, not the act of sex itself. I found the main point to that advice is to be that withholding sex out of fear that he’ll leave isn’t what makes a guy commit–it’s the emotional attraction. She also says women should be free to date other men if there is no boyfriend+girlfriend commitment yet, while being a high value woman. And when you do that, you naturally inspire one man to commit. I agree with this as well.

      Her work is about wielding feminine energy and being a high value woman because that’s what makes the right guy hooked.
      As for her advice to be “not emotional and go with the flow”, it could help women to live more in the present and less angst with expectation of commitment. She used the example of how her boyfriend told her he wasn’t looking for anything serious when they first met and she said “neither am I”. So they had sex early on but because she was so in tune with her feminine energy and she let him lead with is masculine energy, he found that irresistible. So he still wanted to commit to her despite already having sex. In addition her “no expectations” advice makes a point that showing appreciation for what a man does instead of complaining about what he isn’t doing (e.g. commitment, not calling enough, etc) is more likely to inspire him to devote more to you.

      My 2 cents on your situation- sounds like your male friend is looking for a friends with benefits thing that may suit his needs in his current life situation, since he knows you and he’s physically attracted to you. There must be something attractive about you to him that would make him ask you over a hundred other women. However it sounds like you don’t wish to have that type of relationship so you did the right thing by saying no. Based on the information you provided, I don’t feel you had to cut him off, you could have explained to him you like him as a friend but having sex outside dating isn’t your thing (or what ever it is you prefer for yourself). Then see what he decides.

      If you were ok with having that type of relationship with him, saying yes would be your choice. But you’d have to be able to say yes without *expecting* it to be more, which is what usually happens in fwb relationships. They start out casual and then it’s usually the woman who begins to wish it was something more. They CAN change into something more but it means focusing on building up the connection and emotional attraction. And not treating it like a serious relationship if it isn’t one. You could do that while getting to know a guy who starts off more devoted to you, or you could leave the fwb guy completely. :-)

  • Holly

    Reply Reply October 31, 2013

    This is useful and helpful information.

    I use to have a problem sleeping with men, I use to convince myself that it was just fine to have none serious fun as if it’s ok to eat men for breakfast, they won’t mind being a sex object, they won’t care if I see them nothing more than just as sex.

    Biologically speaking though, my body isn’t biologically hard wired to play the game of sex in man mode. Deep down it’s probably going to effect most women if they are being totally honest with them selfs.

    Female hormones! Need I say any more. For the most part I only betrayed my female biology and for a women to play the mans game of sex those hormones and ill felt feelings are just going to get stored into the unconsiouse mind.

    So really what’s the point! For a women to do that she’s going to have to train herself up mentally that her feelings don’t matter.

    Looking back I know it was an ego thing, because I felt low within myself I use to feel empowered and glorified that I could take or leave men and it would be them the ones feeling disapointed that I couldn’t give a dam.

    The men I attracted, too, must have been weak because it was all about their ego. Maybe sometimes men are use to women trying to logically attract them, or at least that must be the case with some of the men I interacted with as men have said that they think I’m not that into them.

    Now, I’m thinking that I want to sleep with a man I admire and respect, but he’s got to prove that. That also means respecting myself.

    Personally I’d say it’s easy to tell what catergory a man put’s a women in, BUT, women need to be careful as men can be very clever and will tell a women all the verbal foreplay under the sun.

    It happened to my sister, she met a man on the street and when I asked her what text messages he was sending her they were all sexual related, so I told her NO! A man who’s genuinely intrested will be focused on her and not be talking in sexual tones.

    She convinsed herself that it was fine and she only wanted sex but I could see that she got hurt because weather she liked it or not she was thinking in hopes of commitment. I can’t help thinking when she’s was telling him he’s a dimond, she was subconsiously asking for a dimond. Most probably he met some of her subconsious criteria, which is a shame to sleep with a man who’s had that effect.

    I know, I went through an experience which promoted me to learn everything I could about mens behaviour.

    • Holly

      Reply Reply October 31, 2013

      Forgot to add, sometimes men will be very clever as they can make it appear to a women that their into her as a person but really it’s just an illusion in some cases to get what they want.

      All I can say is womens intuition and women really need to make a man prove his worth!

      I see why being a little bitchy would be a good idea because if a man genuinely likes a women then he will stick around anyway.

      Anyone after one thing won’t stick around long anyway and nobody really wants that in their life anyway, so it’s win win.

  • lm

    Reply Reply October 1, 2013

    “After all, if it was sex, why would men actually turn DOWN offers of sex from hookers?”

    There’s actually another answer to that; it’s not a rhetorical question.

    It’s because that sex doesn’t feed their egos.

    Men, quiet as they will keep it, don’t like being used for “jumpoffs” any more than women do, really. They don’t *mind* it, and they will *take* it, if that’s what a woman offers them … but they want you to be into them as well.

    And I have major issues with their wanting your affection, just as an ego boost, when they’re hesitant about giving that affection back in a way that WE value. (Especially when they’re not as good at sex as they think they are, and think they’re “paying you back” that way. ESPECIALLY then.)

    But that’s a different discussion, I guess.

    (I’m not sure it should be, though.)

  • Anais

    Reply Reply August 27, 2013

    “Men want to have sex, but what they actually NEED is to feel attraction”

    I’m not sure what you mean by “feel attraction” throughout this post and I feel a bit confused. Why type of attraction? A lot of the time men are attracted to a woman, there’s a lot of sexual chemistry, etc but he doesn’t want a serious relationship. Men out there who are more focused on her physical appearance go on and on about how they are “so attracted” to a woman, how she’s so beautiful (and want to sleep with her since she turns him on sexually so he is attracted to her) but then say they don’t want a relationship with her. These men feel attraction but aren’t committed so isn’t it more than just building attraction? Don’t you mean they need to feel an emotional connection?

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply August 27, 2013

      Hi Anais,

      Attraction really means emotional attraction. That’s attraction to me.

      What you are describing is desire.

      Men use the word ‘I’m attracted to her…’ but be CAREFUL – if they use that word and then act like they want to have sex then it is probably nothing more than a sexual desire for the woman!

      • Anais

        Reply Reply September 9, 2013

        Thank you for your explanation, Renee!

  • Megan

    Reply Reply July 29, 2013

    Thank you for this article, Renee.
    Your passion for what you do and helping women (and also men in making us become better women!) really shines through what you write. I’m looking forward to more of your insights on various themes!

    I do have a question related to this particle article, but I’ll try to make it as short as possible.

    What about a person who is not religious but wants to keep sex for marriage?
    I do believe in trust, mutual respect and that love and sex are linked together.
    I know men and women think and process things differently.
    I also know that times have changed and marriage has become like a side option.
    This is seriously a big issue. It is the core issue that makes it seem impossible for me to even start any relationship.

    To inspire a man to want to be with you, you cannot pressure him about commitment, right?
    So how is it even possible to try to start a relationship without bringing up this issue, yet at the same time not making him run away for his life?

    With today’s new dating ‘rules’, it seems like the only option I have is to break my value system, or just date no one unless he is okay with the sex/marriage (good luck on that one, right?). But I cannot imagine violating my core values. So I always feel torn and confused as to what to do, I feel like it’s all making me completely inconsistent how I deal with men. Since I cannot decide what the right thing to do is, I end up attracting someone I like without any problem, but it all falls apart before a relationship is even possible.

    Do you have any advice for a situation like mine?

  • Anna C

    Reply Reply May 9, 2013

    I like this article because I’ve always wondered why sometimes when women sleep with men on the first date, they end up getting married, and sometimes when a woman doesn’t sleep with a guy at all, they still get married. The answer here is not about The Rules of when to sleep with a guy, and it’s not a formula either. Because we are human beings and not robots. The marvelous answer is what Renée said : it’s attraction. A man can sleep with someone on a first date and see her as just a “f buddy” (this is the most likely scenario) or a man can sleep with someone else on the first date and, if he was already enthralled with her, fall in love and get married to her. This is an exciting revelation!
    I had such bad conditioning in the past. I met a man, and I was so attracted to him immediately, in the relationship sense, I wanted something long term with him. And I wanted to sleep with him on the first date. It just felt right. But he refused, saying that “men will never take seriously someone who he sleeps with on the first date.” I was so confused. We later slept together, and I fell in love with him, but he never took me seriously. He only saw me as a good time. When I asked him why he was treating me so badly, he said (yes he said this to me!) “the minute you told me you wanted to sleep together on the first date, I didn’t take you seriously. How am I supposed to believe you don’t do this with all the other guys?” After this, I was so scarred and believed this to be the truth and held myself back with men. The truth is… Don’t hold yourself back with men. Yes, the likelihood of his leaving if you go to bed too early is high.. But like renée says, you must make sure there is attraction first. There are no rules. The only principle you need to know is : always build attraction.
    I love this article.

  • Redbone

    Reply Reply March 25, 2013

    God gave men a mouth too. Why do you think women is good for just oral sex go suck yourself.

  • happiness

    Reply Reply March 24, 2013

    A girl seduce my husband all in the name of being a prophetess and now she pregant, what do i do. Pls help i need an advice.

    • Redbone

      Reply Reply March 24, 2013

      Girlfriend you may not like my answer to this question. First drop him get your big D and make him pay you. Your husband knew what he was doing and he should of used protection. Do you have kids? Well let him go don’t help him take care of his baby. Now if he just had affair and no child involved than I would say forgive him and move on.

  • Kristina

    Reply Reply March 21, 2013

    Renee,

    You rock! Plain and simple! Thank you for your awesome blog! You have NO IDEA how helpful it has been in my life.

    Many thanks and many blessings to you and yours,
    Kristina

  • Big Johnson

    Reply Reply March 10, 2013

    The only reason God gave women a mouth is to perform oral sex. It sure as HELL wasn’t to hear them rabble on each day.

    • Serena

      Reply Reply March 10, 2013

      Being a sexist douche in your mind is one thing, but Internet is public so learn to express yourself with respect. MAYBE then a woman would want to put your penis anywhere close to her mouth.

      • Redbone

        Reply Reply March 25, 2013

        God gave men a mouth too. Why do you think women is good for oral sex go suck yourself.

    • Kristina

      Reply Reply March 21, 2013

      Thank goodness GOD gave you a mouth. That way, it shows the rest of the world what a silly fool you are.

    • Lynn

      Reply Reply March 23, 2014

      Mr. Big Johnson your unresolved anger screams out of your statement. I am sorry life has shit on you…but you have most defiantly been a contributing factor in your experience of life and women. Good luck to you.

  • Eva

    Reply Reply March 3, 2013

    First and foremost, make sure the commitment is already there. The worst thing is to have sex before that point especially if you really want an exclusive relationship at some point. Some women get physical thinking that’s the way to get him to commit. And like Renee said, attraction is key. Personally, I’d like to feel love for the person and have them feel the same way before we do anything of that nature. Ultimately, a specific time frame isn’t important. Such things should come naturally. Now, if you only just met someone once and don’t know a whole lot about them, then having sex right away may not be the wisest choice.

  • kunlere Motolani

    Reply Reply March 1, 2013

    Hi Renee, just wanted u to know I appreciate all the help u av rendered to me ever since I came accross u online. I’ve been very priviledged to read & digest every one of your relationship topics/letters to me. I’ve developed intense confidence in myself & my relationship wit men so much so dat I believe dat, if I had known all these things earlier, Renee, I would av been married longest. Notwitstanding, I thank God all the same cos I know d best is abt to come for me. Thank you so much Renee. Love u so so much.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply March 1, 2013

      Hi Kunlere! This is such a kind and loving message, Thank You!

      It’s a beautiful thing for me to hear that you feel confident and I can feel your confidence in your message.

      Never mind what you could have done if you had known – the knowledge is coming at the right time for you. Everyone has their time. -XxX-

  • Mark

    Reply Reply February 19, 2013

    Hi,

    Instead of relying on all of these rules try something a little bit different.

    Find a guy that if you sleep with him that he would feel guilty that he did something wrong if he didn’t stay with you and want a comitted exclusive relationship with you.

    Isn’t that what women say that they want?

    But who do they reward?

    The pump and dump bad boys.

    Then you punish a guy like that who is offering you what you want.

    I don’t have much sympathy for women that reward the wrong behaviors and they keep getting more of the same.

    The only guys that you make wait are the ones that want a relationship.

    The bad boys you wouldn’t dare make wait because they dont worry about if you call them back theyve got 5 more just like you available to them.

    What you cant easily get you want and the ones that you can easily get you don’t want.

    The guys dont controll dispensing access to your eggs you do.

    Instead of rewarding the behavior that you bitch about reward the behavior that you say you want but you don’t.

    Ever wonder why the guys in the past that were interested in relationships are now dogging your friends like bad boys.

    They got tired of the bad boys getting all the fresh prime goodies and the virgins and just getting their cast aways and sloppy seconds.

    They changed to get the rewards not having to wait.

  • victoria

    Reply Reply February 15, 2013

    hi,
    i met this guy through a publicity i made online (not online dating), and now, he’s saying he loves me(after the first meeting), and in the same breath, also says he wants to sleep with me. am not stupid enough not to realize that the ‘i love you’ is just a way to get into my pants.
    my problem is the fact that i like him too (though didn’t tell him this). i don’t want to be just another tumble in his life. so i told him i can’t sleep with him but we could be friends. but and every time i try to have a conversation with him, he always drives it to the direction of sex.
    so am caught between making him like me for me ( though have no idea how to do that since he barely communicates anything except his desire), or walking away from him while i still can before i do something stupid.
    i really don’t know if anything will make a difference at the end. i might just end up wasting my time trying to get to know him and he’d walk away at the long run when he feels he’s not getting what brought him, in the firsth place.
    so, what exactly do i do?

    • Labo

      Reply Reply February 27, 2013

      You have said it yourself. Walk away. Each time he sees you, he’s only thinking sex! once “he gets in your pants” you’ll be dumped like a used pad.

  • Anny

    Reply Reply February 13, 2013

    I think we lost the point here. This is not an open discussion about what a person has to do, we SHOULD NOT judge anybody here, what a person considers a “sin” for other is a “normal human need”
    I got your point Dave and you are right, some women use sex as a weapon in order to get what they want, and also some men uses woman to satisfy their needs.
    Bottom line is you should have sex when it is on your terms. What do I mean by that? YOU decide the time is right. Don’t let him/her pressure you into it. Is it the right time for you?
    If you are feeling a lot of anxiety or doubt, then it’s probably not the right time,also think of the long term effects, you could end up pregnant or with a STD.
    I really, really hate to sound like my parents…BUT..lol…When I was younger I had similar thoughts (about enjoying life and doing what I want anytime I wanted) Things change as you get older..it’s not conscious, it’s not deliberate..it just is. Sex just for fun lost it’s appeal for me a long time ago.
    Now, I want it to be part of something more…and I also agree with most..there are no “pre determined ” time lines…but, I know for me, it wouldn’t be right away. How far after that depends on many things…and this may be a gender thing too…but, it’s takes me more than a couple of dates to determine if I even want to go there…chemistry and sexual attraction aside.

  • Anna

    Reply Reply February 13, 2013

    I think we lost the point here. This is not an open discussion about what a person has to do, we SHOULD NOT judge anybody here, what a person considers a “sin” for other is a “normal human need”
    I got your point Dave and you are right, some women use sex as a weapon in order to get what they want, and also some men uses woman to satisfy their needs.
    Bottom line is you should have sex when it is on your terms. What do I mean by that? YOU decide the time is right. Don’t let him/her pressure you into it. Is it the right time for you?
    If you are feeling a lot of anxiety or doubt, then it’s probably not the right time,also think of the long term effects, you could end up pregnant or with a STD.
    I really, really hate to sound like my parents…BUT..lol…When I was younger I had similar thoughts (about enjoying life and doing what I want anytime I wanted) Things change as you get older..it’s not conscious, it’s not deliberate..it just is. Sex just for fun lost it’s appeal for me a long time ago.
    Now, I want it to be part of something more…and I also agree with most..there are no “pre determined ” time lines…but, I know for me, it wouldn’t be right away. How far after that depends on many things…and this may be a gender thing too…but, it’s takes me more than a couple of dates to determine if I even want to go there…chemistry and sexual attraction aside.

  • dave justdave

    Reply Reply February 13, 2013

    i’m hearing an awful lot about what women need.

    I’m hearing almost nothing about what men need.

    Ladies, if you used sex to get a home, or if you used sex for social position,then here’s the news… you are a whore.

    Pure and simple.

    If you love your man, you will make love to him. What’s so hard to understand about that?

  • mildred

    Reply Reply February 10, 2013

    things happen ladies always feel so quickly for men in sudden meeting ,but i think when a man thinks a woman is a toy,feels he can have her just anytime he wants then throws her to the cold is not what thinking about,having close or desiring as a friend.

  • JudyBoucher

    Reply Reply February 9, 2013

    I’ve been reading a lot of articles before pursuing having sex with another man. I am married and so He was. It seems everything happened for a reason. I’ve been married for 7years, 1st year of marriage I caught him cheating on me online and flirting with his female colleague, I have read all messages etc,..photos and lots of I just discovered. I was pregnant that time and was helpless Nd felt terrible. I wanted to separate but Ofcourse our family interfere. I continuously living with him because of our son though in my mind I know He is not faithful. It seems there is no love anymore we hate each other. Last month I caught him again hiding messages from me, and I cannot believe he wouldn’t wanna let me see it. I guess I got fed up, as He chose to be continuously a cheater, I wanted to separate but He doesn’t want to I guess we think more of our son…Anyhow, trying to find an answer I went online, I chatted with this Married Man who is undergoing same situation as me. Even though He has been straight up to me revealing that He has always been unfaithful to his wife, I took this as him being honest. I guess we both want to have someone ” friends with benefits” that we are both not willing to commit nor to fall for each other. We are both have a child, We both work in the same profession, we live in the same City in fact He is
    A neighbor of my beatfruend,we work 10mins walk away and to freak us out more He was almost became my Boss. I did not reveal to him my workplace but He had told me and Yes I know everything was true about him being interviewed at my company.did not reveal to him my real name either. Anyhow, it’s been like a month and we would chat regularly and He invites me for lunch every other Fridays. We finally decided to meet up to have sex after more than a month of chatting. Seriously, I felt no guilt for now that I did it. We both liked it. I guess am just in disbelief situation how small world can be we seems so close and I’ve met him online. Yet, He is so nice, He is 11yrs older than I am I guess I just like the way He is. But knowing our situation we both know our boundaries. Before we plan to meet up for sex, He told me that his wife is pregnant now for their 2nd child, I am the first one whom He told about it. I am now thinking to back off and to stop seeing him. He once asked me if I want him to be my lover. I have told him that I would want to stop and He asked me Why would I, it would change a thing coz we both know that He still wants to stay married for convenience and on my side, I am unsure How long I could stay with my cheating husband. I have to say that at 32 am still young and still men would turn their heads when I walk by. I don’t know why would I settle with someone who is already married and I know all He wants is just “friends with benefits”. I guess I am just so confused right now and ever since I married to my husband He still wants his own privacy and He would often tell just because I am married to him it doesn’t mean I have all the rights. I guess I am just in so much pain that really pushes to the edge of seeing another man who would know how to comfort me.

    • Labo

      Reply Reply February 12, 2013

      TWO WRONGS DON’T MAKE A RIGHT! SIMPLE! IT IS NOT RIGHT FOR THE MAN TO CHEAT, YOU HURT YOURSELF MORE TO CHEAT TOO! IT ALWAYS ENDS IN CONFUSION! THE SOLUTION? STOP IT! CLEAN UP! MAKE YOUR HUSBAND KNOW YOU’RE HURTING! LET SOMEONE COUNSEL YOU BOTH. PRAYER TO GOD TO HELP YOU FIND PEACE!

  • Chan

    Reply Reply February 6, 2013

    Personally, I feel the right time to sleep with a man is when you’re married. I know that sounds INSANELY old-fashioned and out of date, but I feel that sex can only be fully appreciated in marriage.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply February 6, 2013

      Hi Chan,

      So for what reason would sex only be able to be fully appreciate in marriage? Why is marriage the condition, really?

      • Labo

        Reply Reply February 8, 2013

        Yea premarital sex looks o.k and politically correct but the truth is that it reduces us to mere animals who are controlled by hormones and instincts. whatever the arguements of science,it is immoral to engage in it. a lot of the social ills we have today can be traced to the extreme liberalisation of sex! sex is sacred.

        It is the discipline of waiting for marriage to experience it that demonstrates our control of our destinies as humans. premarital sex potentially makes you unwilling to be responsible or faithful.That is why a lot of westerners cant commit to relationships or contemplate marriage, afterall sex is just readily available.

        it increases the tendency to be promiscous, commit abortion and die! it increases the risk of diseases and barrenes not to talk of guilt which we are so fighting to deny. premarital sex generates distraction for young people and makes them compromise on things of value like education,obedience to parents and social norms.

        Many of the heart aches we grope with in today’s world can be traced to the present lack of control of mankind over their LIBIDO!
        Even advertorials are over flushed with SEX. SEX is being trivilialised and the world is the worse for it.

        Marriage is the proper Godly basis for sex! It makes us more human and less animalistic , selfish or self indulgent! Marriages are not holding together because of sex craze! i pity the western world! They stand the risk of being over run by other groups who appreciate sex within marriage.

        Those ones tend to be more committed to ideals that make the world more meaningful and are having more stable homes. Very soon their populations will over run host western communities! Wake up my people! Stop denying what is right!

    • Tom

      Reply Reply February 6, 2013

      I agree. Marriage is about Honor. You took the time to get know the other, to be in love and make a commitment and sex seals the covenant after the rice is thrown on you. And there is the exclusive part that not only seals the deal for attraction, but adds something more than a casual relationship that can end at any time.
      Sex before marriage, the level of commitment can be vague, or based on lies just to “get some.” It really depends on the individual.

      • Neferyuya

        Reply Reply April 22, 2013

        What about widows, widowers, and divorced people?

        Should they wait till marriage too?

        I think that the relationship between and man and a woman is sacred and
        all those with opinions on them who are not going to be sleeping
        with them have no say really. A ring sure does not guarantee happiness
        or even wholesomeness.

        People can talk…but there’s a boundary that maybe some people are
        unaware of and do not ever draw.

        People would have better relations if they’d started treating each other as sacred
        right off the bat rather than uphold higher the institutions and acts.

        • Renee Wade

          Reply Reply April 22, 2013

          Hi Neferyuya, great comment, thanks for writing! xo

    • Laurence

      Reply Reply July 9, 2013

      I agree to you both (Chan&Tom),
      what we all need is RESPECT.
      maybe there’s a lot of people can say “Why they need to be married when they’ll just hurting each other which may leads to separation or even as worst as the so-called divorce”. but everything happens for a reason that needs an acceptance, forgiveness, faith and the love for each other,
      the sacrament of MARRIAGE is a Holy,.
      And for widows, widowers, and divorced people…. people has a different point of views and oppinions wether we like it/agree or not its up to us on how we hold what we believed in, in everything we do ofcourse there’s always a boundary, limits and where we take a ‘responsibility on it’..

      God Bless All.

  • ashley

    Reply Reply October 13, 2012

    Great article! But, I agree except one thing. I don’t think that it’s the men who categorize women, but it’s us. When we have sex too early, most of us feel dirty and insecure, our vibe changes and this weird vibe sometimes repels men. Some of men also feel awkward after having sex too early. As long as we keep our vibe natural and light-hearted and focus on building the attraction, I don’t think men would care or think about the timing of sex. But it’s difficult to keep your vibe fun when you are full of questions like is he going to call, are we exclusive, what is he thinking e.g., when you had sex too early. Most women feel more attached after sex, so when we have sex right at the beginning, we feel attached too early (when we barely know the guy). If you can also be casual about sex like men, it doesn’t matter if you have sex early (but you can’t fake being casual, men could easily sense that you pretend). In my longest relationship (5 years), I slept with my (later on boyfriend) on our first date. At that time I was very casual about dating (I was just out of long and serious relationship, i just wanted to have some fun), we dated for four months casually, later on we dated exclusively, our relationship survived difficult odds, at the end he proposed (but I declined for my own reasons).
    Waiting too long also has disadvantages. Me and the love of my life had waited for sex more than a year, by the time we had sex, we were deeply and madly in love. Well, after a year of flirting we found that we are utterly incompatible sexually. We tried to solve our sexual problems for another year in vain. It was the hardest break up for me, I was sexually dissatisfied for more than 2 years, I was madly in love; I even considered cheating him but couldn’t. It’s very difficult to break up if the sex is bad, when you are already attached before sex. For some women sex is not that important. But if you’re a sensual woman, waiting too long is also counter-productive.

    • dave justdave

      Reply Reply February 13, 2013

      Bollocks.

      Women use sex to get men, in order to acquire property.

      Once the property or security is acquired, the sex dries up.

      “No more sex… I’ve got what I want, thank you”.

      No thank you, m’am…. I’m a man. I have manly needs. If you refuse to provide them, then I’m eating out, baby.

      • River

        Reply Reply March 25, 2013

        Dave, why not listen to the women that are here? There are plenty of us that have sex because we WANT to and we genuinely love our partners. It seems that you’re so stuck in thinking women are sexless opportunists (I’m sure because you’ve gone through a betrayal or something equally horrible) that you’re not looking at these women, who are not at all! I’m sorry you’ve gone through what you did. No one should have to feel like they’re just being used.

    • Karri

      Reply Reply November 24, 2013

      Thanks Ashley! I wholehearted agree with everything you said! I am one of those extremely sensual women. I have sex from the get go, not always the first date but soon afterwards. I am extremely picky, don’t sleep around and it is very evident that I am classy women with her head on trait and emotionally has it together. It’s hard for people to understand :-(

  • Redbone

    Reply Reply October 12, 2012

    Redbone
    I met a real nice guy he was into me and i was into him we had sex on the first date, and i did not think because i had been without sex for ten years, he told me that he wanted to take care of me and be there for me as a friend this was cool because i am marry and my husband has been locked up for 10 years i needed to feel like a woman it has been too long, he texted me and talked with me until we got alone. Now i am feeling slow and dumb because i gave into him and now he is not returning my texts. I feel that i have scared him away, damn I wanted to have this friendship so bad because i have not had none for a long time. My birthday is next month in Nov, he says he is going to get me something but he do not return my texts, I believe he is gone and do not want me as a friend after all he just wanted my sex because it has been so long for me. I am feeling sad now because i did this on my husband, damn i waited for ten years why couldnt i be strong enough to let this guy know that i did not want to have sex with him. My flesh just got the best of me and I cared for him but i feel lower than low now, and i usually dont do this so fast, I do not know what got into me. I was wondering if i should text him and ask him if he do not want to be with me anymore than fine i will leave him alone because i know he will not text me back.

    [Reply]

  • Redbone

    Reply Reply October 11, 2012

    I met a real nice guy he was into me and i was into him we had sex on the first date, and i did not think because i had been without sex for ten years, he told me that he wanted to take care of me and be there for me as a friend this was cool because i am marry and my husband has been locked up for 10 years i needed to feel like a woman it has been too long, he texted me and talked with me until we got alone. Now i am feeling slow and dumb because i gave into him and now he is not returning my texts. I feel that i have scared him away, damn I wanted to have this friendship so bad because i have not had none for a long time. My birthday is next month in Nov, he says he is going to get me something but he do not return my texts, I believe he is gone and do not want me as a friend after all he just wanted my sex because it has been so long for me. I am feeling sad now because i did this on my husband, damn i waited for ten years why couldnt i be strong enough to let this guy know that i did not want to have sex with him. My flesh just got the best of me and I cared for him but i feel lower than low now, and i usually dont do this so fast, I do not know what got into me. I was wondering if i should text him and ask him if he do not want to be with me anymore than fine i will leave him alone because i know he will not text me back.

    • Anny

      Reply Reply October 14, 2012

      Redbone,do not be sad,you did something you wanted to do and if this new guy doesn’t appreciate your feelings please move on,keep your head up and don’t do that again in case he wants to see you again. Unfortunately that’s what most men do : text and call and look interested just to get in ur pants. You are not alone,I have been trough some bad times myself,you will find a good friend,I’m here in case you want to talk.
      A big hug.
      Anny.

      • Redbone

        Reply Reply October 14, 2012

        Hello Anny thanks for your comment, he called me today to just say hi, he do not live where i live he live out of state and he says he is coming in for my birthday next month. I do not want to have sex with him but i do like to have a moment with him to spend time with him and go out. I will not be that easy again I believe i scared him off, and he thought i was easy. But if he wants to be my friend than i will try it again. You know the saying fool me once shame on me fool me twice shame on me, fool me three times shame on you. Well I will let him know that on the date it is not about sex it is about the date and thats all. Keep me in mind. Do you think this is bad ideal?

        • Eliz

          Reply Reply October 15, 2012

          Dear Redbone,
          So many women have been right where you are right now. Be careful. Do not make the mistake of telling yourself that sleeping with him was right. Do yourself the favor of being honest with yourself. If you are, you will benefit a million times more. If you “let yourself off the hook” and just blame him–you will not learn from your mistake. Take this sad mistake and make something good out of it by LEARNING and GROWING and being a BETTER person and woman.

          God says, All things work together for good, to them that love him and are called to his purposes.

          This means God (and you) can make good come from bad–if–this is the big if–if you, as Jesus said to the woman who was with a man who was not her husband, “go and sin no more.” He forgives you if you repent and don’t do it again.

          Of course a man will take advantage of you if you let him. Most people will. Don’t let him do it again!!

          You said you have waited 10 years for your husband! That is wonderful! I am so proud of you! That is very difficult and you were able to do it!!! Pray to God. Ask forgiveness. When he forgives, you will be clean from your sin–then DON’T do it again! YOu will also be able to speak or write to your husband and be guilt free. BUT not if you continue to see this man.

          The man who took advantage of you is NOT a friend. Face it, you know you can’t be around him. He wants sex. You are lonely–the two are not good together.

          God bless you and I hope you feel better!

          Sincerely

          Eliz.

        • Anny

          Reply Reply October 18, 2012

          Hi Redbone.
          I don’t think is a bad idea at all,if what you want is a friendship.
          I understand you must feel alone and you need a friend just for talk or walk but please be careful,let him know that what happened was a mistake…after all you are a married woman.
          Think about the date as a birthday celebration and a happy day you deserve,just remember you control the situation.
          I don’t know more details about the relationship with your husband,or your daily life, that’s why I wont judge you just because of what you did one time in ten years,I’m a woman as well and Im not perfect.
          Keep me updated! I would like to hear about your birthday!!

          Anny.

      • Labo

        Reply Reply December 12, 2012

        Redbone, my mother cheated on my dad once and decided to “keep the juice flowing” from the other man so she moved in with him. well after some months she was kicked out by the “juicy guy” and was homeless. my dad forgave her and took her back though she later died from the complications that came from the abuse she went through from the “juicy guy”. i don’t know if you still want to stay married to your husband or what is on your mind. please i dont intend to condemn you but you need to take responsibility for your action and not deny them. sex feels good but it is the exclusive preserve of marriage. that is the truth. it is not easy to abstain for ten years but hey that is one of the terms of the marriage vow. Please two wrongs dont make a right. please keep away from that man or you will cheat on your husband again and from the true story i shared above, cheating for whatever reason does not end well. please take charge of your life and connect back to your husband and give your energy to productive activities and find people of like minds who will help your resolve to wait for your husband. please time changes things, you wont have to wait forever. it is not worth having to deal with avoidable scars. i’m sure things can still be worked out properly. God bless you.

        • redbone

          Reply Reply December 12, 2012

          ;

        • redbone

          Reply Reply December 12, 2012

          Well I am torn between the two, I don’t feel nothing for my husband now that I had afair. I am falling in love with the other guy. This guy is twenty-two years younger than me. I try to not see him but when I close my eyes at night I think of him how we had sex and it makes me want him more. I saw him on the 3rd of this month and he said we are friends with benifits. I think this is a good thing because from where I am from it is not many men with benifits. Most men is on drugs or in jail or prison,or looking for a women to take care of them. I need someone who will help take care of me. I am fifty he can not belive that I am this old because I do not look it. I could pass for thirty-eight. I don’t know if he has another girl in his life he says just me but he brings up me with my husband which makes me think he has another. I don’t think he will start a relationship with me until I break it off with my husband. I don’t feel know love for my husband now since I had sex with this other guy. But I am afraid
          to let go of what I have e en thought I don’t feel no love. My husband is eight years younger than me if I could make it last nineteen years with him I can with my new boo.a relationship is what you make of it. He is a leo and I am a scorpio we are soul mates we can love each other forever has long as he don’t leave me,because I want leave him.

        • redbone

          Reply Reply December 26, 2012

          You say your father took your mother back before she died. Well how long was they together before she died? And do you think he just did this because he knew she was on her death bed I think this is messed up. To answer your question about how long my husband got he goes up for prorole in 2017. But he says a new law is suppose to come out to free some inmates I have heard this before I just wait till it happens. And another thing do you think I should tell my husband now while he is locked up that I cheated on him. But if I do what if he slaps me and walk out than I would look like a fool because he will not forgive me. I know him.

    • Anny

      Reply Reply December 12, 2012

      Hello redbone!
      How are you doing?
      I would like to know how your birthday went.
      A big hug,your friend
      Anna
      [Reply]

      • redbone

        Reply Reply December 12, 2012

        Well my birthday was not all that I expect it to be. He did not call me,but he called me on thanksgiving to say happy thanksgiving and happy birthday too. I though he forgot I was glad he remember. Really I was not expecting anything from him even thought he said he was getting me something because he did not know me on my birthday
        last year.

        • labo

          Reply Reply December 17, 2012

          Dear Redbone, i tried responding to your note all of us last week but there was an error on the page. I like the point you made about “a relationship is what you make of it”. Please make the best of the relationship between your husband and yourself. That’s the honest plea i want to make. It is normal that you desire this new guy because you are lonely and he is available and of course, you’ll remember all the moments of having sex (after a long time) but please, love is truly more than sexual ecstasy. Just look at it this way, imagine if the new guy suddenly has a problem and he is no more available to satisfy your desires…would you move on again and fall in love with another guy? This cycle simply gets one into regrets, pain, fear, guilt and depression. This may lead you to heavy drinking, drugs or worse. I believe your marriage and home deserve a second chance…your life and choices too. Life has more meaning when we live beyond ourselves especially when the vows of marriage are involved. You would appreciate if your husband had waited for you assuming you were in his shoes. My father forgave my mother and they were able to live better and happier before she died. You were strong for ten years. You can still be. Your future happiness deserves it, it’s worth the wait plssssssssssss.

        • Redbone

          Reply Reply December 19, 2012

          Thank you, you gave a good opion on my relationship I think what if my husband come home and some one tells him that i had another guy in my life than he would leave me no doubt. I can see me forgiving him but him forgiving me is the issue. I am affraid that i have messed up the relationship already because people in this town do not mind their business, I have been on the down low but it seems that they still find out things. I have invested 19 years into this marriage and yes I got that spirit that i needed someone after 10 years. I find myself still alone but I want someone now to share and be there for me. I ask God to strenghten me and to get my mind off of the other guy but he seems to just pop up when i sleep. I can deal with the break ups but to find out that i am going to be left all alone when my husband finds out it will tear me apart. I am a strong women but when he calls me I can not refuse the call. I hope that i am making sense that you understand me, I am torn between two lovers…….

        • labo

          Reply Reply December 24, 2012

          Dear red bone, please don’t pre-empt your husband. do the right thing. just keep away from the guy as much as you can. he is just enjoying the sex with you and nothing more. how long more is your husband’s jail term? i am very impressed by your honesty. what you call falling in love may just be the desire to have someone in your life. please don’t think am judging you but just give your husband the benefit of doubt. He will understand that you gave in to pressure and i’m sure he might overlook it. you cant be sure you want to risk rejection from the other guy which i foresee will happen eventually. remember, he wants “friendship with benefits” i.e sex for being around you. forget about people for once and stand for virtue. wait for your husband please and forget this guy. he just saw a lonely woman and used her. please if you have kids, just give all your love to them and see how you can engage yourself in some constructive activities. your husband will appreciate your honesty and forgive you. i will be praying for you. even if he doesn’t, then you will be happy with yourself that you owned up and did try to clean a mess you are not proud of but were ready to bear the consequences of ! My father forgave my mum and took her back before she died, God can do that for you too. Just think about it, get to talk to people who share such constructive opinion and get close to them and be strong! God be with you!

        • Labo

          Reply Reply January 8, 2013

          Redbone Dear, My father took my mother back and later had three other children including me the last born.Put together, that should be about ten years before she died.So my dad took her back not because anyone knew she would die! It was just forgiveness. I pray Jesus to grant you the same with your husband.Look don’t be afraid to do what is right . Two wrongs don’t make a right! For me you are an uncommonly strong woman and i’m praying to God to just help your home at this trying times. The other guy has nothing to offer you. There is no future with him. Just sex-for a short time.
          You can build a lasting thing from reuniting with your husband. Your old age deserves the companion ship that temporary sex can’t provide. God bless you dear.

    • Laurence

      Reply Reply July 9, 2013

      Redbone,
      Good Day!
      after what you’ve said, the decision is yours. if you’re thinking that it is the best way for you to moved on dealing on that guy to make him realize that you’re not into him just for ‘sex’.. you can make it. but always remember that “don’t correct your mistakes with another mistakes that you’ve done on your past”..it never benefits you with positivity in life which may leads you to hatred of yourself and depression.. if FRIENDSHIP is all you wanted on him be straight and make him realize it but if he didn’t accept you, atleast you do your part but never do the same mistakes. Being LONELY finding another man is not just a solutions, there’s a lot of therapies you can have such as; indoor games, outdoor activities, sports, meditations.. never loose hope for a thing.. we know you can make it and you are brave enough to face all trials & challenges in life. having a reconcile to your husband is such a great thing and blest from heaven.. for sure your husband loves you, all you need is acceptance and forgiveness and take the prayer with you before and after you take actions.. PRAYER is the most powerful to make it possible, God is always with you. God Bless You and your family.
      Be strong!! you can make it!.

  • Kerri Barten

    Reply Reply October 4, 2012

    When you speak of “attraction”…what exactly do you mean by that? Physical…emotional…mental…etc? I have known this one guy for almost 3 years now and I’m not entirely sure where him and I stand as far as being a “legitimate item.” This is to say that, I don’t know if he truly likes me or simply wants to sleep with me. He has been blatantly open with me about wanting to sleep with me and has been “trying” for the past 2 years now. He has talked to me about other girls (one he was supposedly in love with), girls he hooks up with/has hooked up with and yet…he asks to sleep with me? I’ve shut him down multiple times and I’ve told him in simply not ready to. Mind you, I haven’t been spending as much time with him as I did this past summer (maybe it’s because I’m back at school and he’s busy with his life as well)…but he definitely hasn’t contacted me (via phone or text) like he used to almost everyday…for over a month now. He’s aware of the fact that I am still a 21 year old virgin and sometimes I feel as though that’s the only thing he’s aiming for. After telling him that I don’t want to sleep with him because apart of me feels a though he is not “true” and would undeniably destroy me…he tells me “no, I trust you…I wouldn’t treat you like other girls, you’re different….if a girl fully commits I don’t f*ck around.” I’d like to believe it all but I just don’t know…I don’t know what he wants from me. I truly don’t.

    • jay

      Reply Reply October 18, 2012

      u r correct he just wants some fun.cut him out of your life completely to make space for the right man 4u and kudos on waiting for the right person &time!

      luck

    • onthewaydown

      Reply Reply October 21, 2012

      Listen to your instincts…the tone of your post and that you said things like “I am still a 21 year old virgin and sometimes I feel as though that’s the only thing he’s aiming for,” as well as “apart of me feels a though he is not ‘true’ and would undeniably destroy me” rings alarm bells in my head. You say he has been upfront about his desire to sleep with you…but nowhere in there do I see that you mentioned that he has been talking about commitment. Sounds like he just wants sex to me: if that is what you want, go for it. Otherwise, keep your distance.

    • Shell

      Reply Reply November 4, 2012

      Kerri,

      Tell him you dont sleep with randoms but you do date.. If he wants to take u out sometime that would be fun. A man who wants more than your virginity would want to take the time to date you, impress you, spoil you and treat you like a princess. He would want to show you the best side of himself and really want get to know who you are. If he just wants sex, and u tell him that, he will either back off or try to convince u otherwise.. you will feel this pressure. At least you’ll know the truth without having to give up ur precious gift… that a man should work his ass off for ;)

    • Tom

      Reply Reply February 6, 2013

      He is a virgin killer. Find a real guy that will treat you as a human being and doesn’t use the F word in sentences.

  • Lynne

    Reply Reply July 13, 2012

    Oh boy, apologies for the messy lay-out of my post. I would edit it if I could.

  • Lynne

    Reply Reply July 13, 2012

    Hey Renee,

    Hopefully you are willing to answer my question on this topic.
    I met a man online (not through dating sites but through a common interest) about
    3 years ago. I was 16 then, he 34. Now, before anyone accuses him of being a
    pervert, he did not hit on me at the time, but we did become very good friends
    through our conversations. If he was into me at all, he kept it to himself until I was
    well on my way to my 19th birthday. We still haven’t met in person, but through the
    3 years of our interactions together, I know that he is a very trustworthy man and he
    has served as my mentor in life so far, always giving me advice on anything he can.

    As sometimes happens though, despite it being online, we did develop some kind of
    feelings towards each other. A very close bond of friendship, a little beyond it, but
    not serious enough to be called love. When I wanted to meet him a year and a half
    ago, he told me ‘no’. See, for what is custom in my country, I’m a (very) late virgin
    at 20. Reasons for that and feelings about it aside, my friend is very experienced
    himself. He knows how important sex can be. He is worried about me and believes
    that I’m missing out on my youth. He is convinced that, if I were to enter a committed
    relationship with him now, I would end up cheating or leaving. Unfortunately, I know
    that he’s right. He is looking for a woman to spend the rest of his life with, and he
    seems to think I could be that person. The reason he does not want to meet me (yet)
    is that – at his age – he refuses to knowingly commit to something that wouldn’t last,
    and he cares too much about me as a friend to simply use me for sex. (He blatantly
    told me that if he were younger, he would’ve used me – guaranteed.)

    So now he is pretty much waiting for me to make some experience, to get my
    life on the rails, and to just grow up. He told me that he is focused on me, so I’m
    guessing that means he has stopped looking elsewhere. I can tell that he truly cares
    about me, because he does his best to make me happy despite the circumstances,
    and he has been waiting around for 19 months now. So this attraction you talk of
    must definitely be there – except that it’s online. He and I are both aware of this.

    My question is – he has been dedicated to spending every single day at his computer,
    talking to me, waiting on progress, and eventually will have to go through the hurt of
    me dating other guys. If we end up clicking like we do online, should I still put time into
    building even more attraction in real life before having sex with him? It just makes me
    feel bad towards him after all he has done for me.

  • J j

    Reply Reply July 8, 2012

    Great article this answered all my concerns about sex and real love I’m hoping that if you had sex early on it can be reversed I’m now confident about it and know for sure that I will wait for the I love you part not me saying it first thank you so much. Best article ever Go Renee

  • River

    Reply Reply June 21, 2012

    I have an interesting situation that incorporates many of the things you’re talking about in this article…first of all, let me say that I’m 25, and have been single for the last six years, and have been a virgin until I met the most incredible man, just two months ago. I saw him, through a doorway, looking the other way, and some synapses in my brain just forgot to fire for a few seconds (the first time I’ve ever had such a visceral response to a man). His response to me was even more powerful. I’ve never experienced this kind of magnetic attraction, and this kind of love, respect, and concern for me. Even though he’s 8 years older than I am and has a child from a previous marriage, and I’m a bachelorette, we collided with each other with no respect for our circumstances. I’m just so very thankful that I’ve been reading this blog for three years already, because when I DID get a relationship, I wanted to keep it alive, full of passion, and the healthiest it could be. Your articles have been helping me do just that, Renee, so many thanks to you!

    Anyway, to the topic at hand, I slept with my lovely man only two weeks into our official relationship, but it didn’t feel at all premature. I thought there would be more of a “shock” than this, seeing that I kept my virginity for so long and that I had it drilled into me for decades that premarital sex is “sinful”…but it feels like the most natural extension of what has already grown between us, because we’ve already made love with our minds, hearts, and souls. This is what I was holding out for, and it’s exactly the type of love and passion I wanted with a man. So, ladies, may I encourage you not to niggle too much over the timing? I’m about the LEAST slutty woman out there, and two weeks is kinda fast, by anyone’s standards. You can never use sex to keep a man, but once you have a good one heart and soul, it’s the most delicious icing on the cake!

  • Julia

    Reply Reply June 20, 2012

    I came across Renee’s website before I found myself in this situation Renee is referring to.
    I consider myself a High Value woman and I have never been in a “casual sex” relationship or had a one night stand. This man that I met is an Alpha male and he is used to pursuing women and vice versa as well as getting his way. Needless to say I gave him a “run around” for about 3 months, “building attraction”, building on our chemistry, creating the most unbearable sexual tension between us. He was absolutely shocked with himself as to how was he even able to maintain interest me in without sex. He didn’t know what hit him. He was whipped! And when I heard LOUD and CLEAR from him repeatedly that I was a woman of his dreams and he can’t even look at other women other than me, as well as many other factors – I knew we had something solid.

    The first time we had sex because there was so much build up leading up to this moment completely psyched him out and he found himself extremely vulnerable in that moment. He couldn’t believe that i’m actually “giving it” to him… And let me tell you, this man has been around the block. It’s been 6 months since we’ve embarked on a committed relationship… He still doesn’t understand what HIT HIM and how is that i’m the woman he wants to have children with and have a future with together. He asked me to move into his house and be his forever and ever. And sex… it’s absolutely mind blowing! When your mind, heart and soul align together and all pieces fit…. the sex is just amazing!

    So ladies… Renee is 100% spot on – focus on building that attraction, connection and sexual tension. It will all be worth it in the end!

  • Jasmin

    Reply Reply May 6, 2012

    EXCELLENT advice, Renee; really, REALLY spot on! In spite of living in the 21st century, it’s still men who choose who their permanent mates will be. I think that this is a deep biological male instinct that insures optimum reproduction. We are still members of the animal kingdom, no matter how much intellect and free will we have.

  • Adrienne

    Reply Reply May 4, 2012

    Hello, Renee, I’m glad your brought this topic up. You may not recall but I emailed you a couple of times requesting you bring this discussion up. It’s true sex too soon isn’t ideal, and it most likely won’t lead to marriage(although there are exceptions). However, my reasons are just because men won’t see you as marriage material which most will not, but because sex is sacred and women(and men) shouldn’t just give themselves to just anyone, but to the right person who you want to build a future with even marry. It’s nothing to do with being fair, but knowing if this is the person is the “the one” and you can’t know that without developing a strong relationship with them first, besides why should person you hardly knows you are hasn’t been with you long enough be committed to you? The truth is they don’t have to since a real relationship committed relationship hasn’t developed yet. Which brings up another point. You said a woman is less likely to develop a committed relationship if has sex too soon, which is true but my problem with this is implies sex should happen first before a committed relationship. This is where I think many young women and men get it backwards. A committed relationship should have already developed before having sex. I know some dating experts say sex can be a tool to lead to commitment but don’t feel this is very helpful. Sex is a declaration of two people already committed to each other.

    As for not feeling guilty for having sex too soon or being afraid he’ll run, if a woman acts wisely and save’s herself for real love rather than just give in too early to the first guy based on attraction those two things won’t be an issue. The facts are women tend to react differently on casual sexual flings since it’s more emotional for them, I even read in article women tend to feel cheap if she gives in to early and I think is based on the fact we are wired differently than men.

    My last issue is based on other comments. I read in past from male comments from other sites on this topic that if a woman holds out too long she’ll lose the man, I do get a bit annoyed by this because, men and women or people in general do have a different view when is it too long or too soon. The reality many men tend to want sex too soon, while many women tend to want commitment too soon and neither should be pressured into doing something they are not ready for to hold onto the other. Plus there still some of people either for religious reasons or old fashioned are preserving sex until marriage, and they shouldn’t be judged or pressured into “getting with the times” because this isn’t the norm to into today’s society. I myself and a bit old fashioned on sex and being christian my religion believes it should saved for marriage only, however I”m opened minded enough not to expect others to follow my religious beliefs but would encourage to least save themselves for love if they looking for true commitment.

    I know this was a long rant but I have to get this all out. Thanks again for a interesting topic.

    Adrienne

  • Vallarie

    Reply Reply April 24, 2012

    After I read this article, I got terrified!
    I hope I won’t be judged for not knowing my own relationship but I do have fears. Even though my relationship now is great, I always asked myself if I made the right decision to sleep with my man so soon. I met him nearly a year ago and I slept with him on our 3rd date.
    Anyway, everything is going well now with us even though we have long distant relationship sometimes, and when I’m in the same country with him, I’m usually with my family but whenever we are alone, we get very intimate. I don’t know if it’s good or bad. But he has been very respectful and considering. He always talks about the future. But I’m still unsure and scared if I made a mistake in the first place and if it helps changing anything now.

  • Brianne

    Reply Reply April 18, 2012

    I’ve wrestled with this question for years and been all over the spectrum too. I’ve slept with men on the first date, I’ve made them wait a few weeks, a few months, some I never slept with at all. And yet I’m still alone.

    Recently I allowed myself to be seduced by a man who has been giving me the run around for years, he said “I love you” and I melted…well…he’s disappeared again and I’m having a baby…so much for love eh?

    I’ve come to the conclusion that I have no idea how to attract and keep a man. A lot of it has to do with my childhood, being hurt in unimaginable ways by a male has seriously impeded my ability to trust men. Which leaves me 30 years old and still alone, never had a relationship last longer then 11 months.

    Usually it’s men with the commitment issues lol not with me…things get too close and I’m like the Roadrunner on Bugs Bunny…GONE

    I so hoping that by reading through your articles I’ll be able to tap into my femininity and finally be able to attract and want to commit to a man…I HAVE to learn how as I need to teach my daughter. I don’t want her going through that same heartache I have.

    • jay

      Reply Reply October 18, 2012

      If u have read alot of renee’s emails u will realise that it all starts and ends with ‘You’ the issue isnt with the men but with yourself. thats who u have to work on. the simple basic solution is to ‘give’ and have ‘empathy’ and act from your heart at all time. be positive and your surroundings will follow suit

      luck

  • Mike Masters

    Reply Reply April 15, 2012

    Great article, I am very impressed. For a second there I thought these words were coming out of my own mouth.
    I really like example of the Hookers, absolutely true.

    Thanks again for the pictures and hanging out. Had a great time.
    Mike and Mai

    • Renee

      Reply Reply April 15, 2012

      Mike! Hi! It’s a pleasure to have you here. Good to know you agree, since I also know your book and blog come from a good place – truly with the intention to help women.

      We had an amazing time too! We’ll be back there sometime, hopefully soon. Send my regards to Mai. xox

  • m

    Reply Reply April 10, 2012

    Hey Renee! Thank you for writing this article.
    I am one of the lucky ones that completely get what you are saying.
    I see many of my single girlfriends who, can be the most independent and capable women of our era, are clueless when it comes to attraction/relationships/what they want and how to work toward getting what they want.

    Building and maintaining a relationship takes a different set of skills – just like playing the piano, cooking, snowboarding! It’s not something that one automatically “gets” as one ages. One needs to LEARN the skills, through mistakes and honest reflection with genuine effort.

    It really isn’t about, just as you said, how soon the sex part comes into play.
    Some girls like to think they are Samantha when they’re really not (i was one of them) and they don’t even realise it. (ps. i think it’s totally cool if they are a true Samantha and be totally happy – ie – not bitter about relationships or men)

    Thank you soo so much for sharing your knowledge and opinion. Wouldn’t it be lovely if more women were able to reach a deeper level of understanding regarding attraction/relationships/men. Perhaps we could include it in secondary school curriculum one day!

    luv m

    • Renee

      Reply Reply April 10, 2012

      Hi M – Thanks for your comment. Yes, I agree with what you said about relationship skills not being something that you automatically get when you age. That’s a lie. Just because we age does not automatically mean that we are getting it right or that our focus is on the right thing.

  • Rex

    Reply Reply April 9, 2012

    It is unfortunate that stupid men classify women into either “girlfriend” material or just a “slut”. I think it’s all wrong. If I sleep with a woman, I don’t judge her or make it a big deal. It’s sex and it’s natural. Also, sleeping with a woman quickly does not ruin the potential for a future relationship. However, this is my personal view. I think that most problems come from men judging women’s enjoyment of sex. Some don’t understand that women also enjoy sex too. It all comes down to really bad social conditioning. Regardless, sex is something people should be comfortable with and is a normal part of being human. My two cents, as a man.

    • Karri

      Reply Reply November 24, 2013

      Thank you Rex!! I agree!

  • twinkle

    Reply Reply April 9, 2012

    I think it’s best to not sleep with them until the *HONEYMOON* for one thing, PLEASE DONT LIVE WITH THEM —if you do and they are ok with it, they may not be at their best with you after marriage—I had a friend who lived whos live-in boyfriend proposed to her. The first thing she did was to move out for awhile and not sleep with him until marriage–about 6 months, they dated and started over again in that way. So when they finally got married, it worked wonderfully. Most women like sex too BUT we like the cuddling and hand-holding more sometimes…I feel starting over again is the ideal position—[about sleeping for sex sake] it’s too dangerous in this day to have recreational sex==HPV is rampant and the lesions could be cancerous!! this is 2012 and not 1980 something

  • Carolina

    Reply Reply April 9, 2012

    Renee! Thanks for sending this article. I had an experience like the one you mentioned in the article. I met a guy who seemed very attracted to me. However, every time we saw each other he wanted sex. He invited me to his house for our third date. During that weekend I noticed he was I’m a hurry… On our third date, I stayed at his house and we did not have sex, but some sexual events took place.. After that date, he texted me a few times and then he stopped texting me at all. I texted him a month after and asked him if he was okay. I said that i noticed that he was on a hurry last time we saw each other. He apologized and then He said he was very busy with work and family matters and tha was it. So even though we did not have sex he stopped contacting me. This is something that Hurt!

    • Tola

      Reply Reply July 15, 2013

      he was only after sex!

  • Lianne

    Reply Reply April 9, 2012

    Yes, he made it clear in so many (subtle and blatant) ways that he didn’t want “sex” (well, yes of course he did, but he was actually happier to wait). We waited about 5 months. It was and continues to be passionate and, as he always says “like the first time” every time.

    Sex was something we both were looking forward to, but meanwhile, we spent months holding each other, kissing for hours, forming a bond, an attachment, an attraction. We build a lot of emotional intimacy. (I’ll admit, he couldn’t keep his hands off me those 5 months, but he really loved the anticipation. There was something about me saying ‘Not yet” that kept us both excited and intrigued.)

    We both seemed to understand that “sex” is very easy– it was the seduction, and as Mark said, the feeling of being loved and wanted that I knew he wanted (as did I- but him especially.)

    I instinctively knew he needed to feel loved and valued and wanted. That he really did *not* want me to be just another woman who expected a sexual “performance” out of him, or who equated having sex with having a relationship.

    After all, where or how do men get to feel loved, wanted, valued, worthy– if not with women? I like to believe that my actions told him “I value you enough to want to invest time to know you.” (and I value myself enough to expect the same).

    (PS and sometimes even now, we’ll still hold each other and just kiss for hours!)

    • Mark

      Reply Reply April 9, 2012

      I find reading these little stories quite heart-warming. I can’t turn the clock back in respect of what happened to me (including being emotionally and entirely shut out on my honeymoon to the point of thinking: “What’s going on?” and “What have I done [marrying you]?”). Waiting for sex is always a good idea, and as Renee said, let things run the course, because if it is meant to be, it will happen. Equally, if things go wrong, it shows itself in the ‘bedroom’ department pretty quickly, and despite what some people think, the cause of problems there are often external too (external to the relationship), as I discovered many years later following my experience (my ex-wife had a bad experience with a man and relationship issues with her father. I was not told any of this despite having concerns, and showing concern too).

      Yes, it may seem amazing that a man is saying all this. I have the benefit of hindsight and experience, something testosterone-fuelled young men don’t. It’s hard [forgive the pun] when men are young and feel drawn to ‘have sex’; genetically predisposed I guess, but I resisted. Not all men can. I simply said to myself: “What’s more important? Sex or a good, meaningful relationship?”.

      Sadly, I made the mistake, if I can say this here, of getting too involved with a lady who appeared fine, when underneath all was not well. I didn’t know, but many many years later, two beautiful children later (somehow), and water under the bridge… time heals, and life goes on.

      Do wait until the time is right before having sex, but beware of waiting too long [not easily definable in time terms; every relationship is different]. If the desire and attraction does not eventually show itself, something is up.

      A long, warm, sincere hug and wonderful kiss with the partner of your dreams and desires is at the top of my ‘feeling good’ list any day, well above sex. It is a very special bond that is hard to beat, and I would recommend it any day for any couple.

  • Mark

    Reply Reply April 9, 2012

    Wow. Yes, agree with all of this (and amazing as it seems) I am a man from the UK writing here! This lady knows her stuff (and so do I from past nightmare relationship: 10 years with NO physical intimacy nearly drove me to the mad house… very very long story. I will tell another time). As a man I do not want ‘sex’. I want to feel loved, wanted, WORTHY. Sex is part of the equation (not all of it), and men and women often don’t understand this. Attraction is definitely key here. I (and I know many other men) don’t want sex for sex’s sake. In addition, and in contrast, a woman who consciously witholds sex from a man is a woman who emotionally pushes her man away. That is the key to relationship self-destruct. Renee is completely right here. It’s quite simple really. Some people simply make it difficult…

    • Renee

      Reply Reply April 9, 2012

      Thanks for being here, Mark, and Thank You for sharing.

      • Mark

        Reply Reply April 9, 2012

        Renee, no problem at all… and should anyone wonder why I (a man) am here? Simply to gain a better understanding of women, men, and relationships. To learn. None of us are perfect! In fact, perfection doesn’t truly exist. A good relationship is based on, among other things, good clear communication (which doesn’t involve guessing!). Everything else will then fall into place and good sex too; otherwise the relationship was probably not meant to be, and as you rightly said Renee, attraction is key.

    • twinkle

      Reply Reply April 9, 2012

      Although none of us are perfect, MARRIED SEX is the best! I know it’s hard to wait but get to know someone before you settle down..like i said in another post, the STDs are really bad these days and its not going away, condoms arent really good agains pregnancy much less STDs

      • Adrienne

        Reply Reply May 4, 2012

        I totally agree

      • Jasmin

        Reply Reply May 6, 2012

        Ohhh… So true.

    • dave justdave

      Reply Reply February 13, 2013

      …and when sex is removed from the equation, do you feel “LOVED” and “WANTED”?

      No, of course not.

      You want sex. It’s a natural human function like eating, sleeping or defecating.

      Why then, do we put up with the pseudo-political bullshit of denial of sex?

      Simple. Men are insecure.

      I’ve had enough of this BS.

      I’m not afraid to say that “I want sex”.

      If I don’t get it, I’m going elsewhere.

      Simple.

      • mimi

        Reply Reply March 21, 2013

        But Dave, what about commitment? I, as a woman, don’t want to have sex with a man who isn’t committed to me… or better yet, with a man who isn’t devout to me. And the title ‘boyfriend’ doesn’t mean anything to me either. I need to feel safe with him and I need to feel that he has my best interests at heart, not only for right now, but also for the future.

        How am i supposed to figure that out in a matter of weeks?!

        • Dan

          Reply Reply October 23, 2013

          Mimi,

          I can appreciate where you’re coming from. You hold yourself in high esteem, and you want someone who loves you for the person you are. Even more, I might guess that you’re someone who will not settle for any less than the best. There are many men and women out there who feel the same way. They often find themselves feeling quite lonely though.

          Relationships be it business, friends, sexual, or otherwise, are a give and take phenomenon. Only as long as you’re willing to deny him pleasure or satisfaction will you find yourself uncomfortable and alone.

          • mimi

            Reply Reply October 30, 2013

            Thank you, Dan, for the thoughtful reply. Yes, you are right that any friendship or human relationship for that matter is a two-way street and so you have to give. And I only think it is fair, too.

            True, I also want the best for me, but I also think I give the best (and I don’t mean this as coming from a place of “superiority”). While I am surely not the perfect partner, I honestly strive to be and would gladly adjust accordingly. In the end, isn’t this what relationships are supposed to be about? Doing everything in your power to make your loved one happy, while still staying true to yourself?

            My sole issue is “giving” in the sexual area without a firm arrangement (marriage). You might laugh/think I’m weird, and it is very legitimate considering today’s society. Feel free to laugh and point. But this is something I simply can’t do, and not because of any religious or cultural or even “archaic” reason. It’s just a part of me so vulnerable, I can’t give away like that. After the union, well – consider it an unlimited buffet.

            I know this probably drastically decreases my chances of finding someone, but in the end…. if I offer you everything, except this one thing for a period of time which can be affected by your decision, and you still aren’t convinced by me, then we’d probably not fit that well in the first place…

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