I’ve been thinking; and when it comes to bad labels, you much rather the people you care about label you a selfish bitch than label you “boring”. Why? Because boring people are last in line when it comes to reproductive success. At least that’s the impression boring people give. Uninteresting, unstimulating, “safe” people are rarely sexually attractive. They’re just boring.
In my experience, they also command the least respect and the least popularity.
At least a selfish bitch might be selfishly exciting or at the very least; cause someone to have strong feelings about you. That’s better than someone not caring about you altogether.
But BORING? No thanks.
Have you ever noticed that some of the most selfish, crazy, egocentric or even arrogant people still have people gravitating toward them? Whereas so called “nice” men and women end up alone. Does the phrase “too nice” ring a bell? To me, too nice = boring.
By the way, a selfish person is rarely a selfish person with everybody. Even the most selfish people have unselfish sides, but it usually takes a certain type of person to “bring out” their less selfish side.
Now I’m about to get a tony bit ‘evolutionary thinking’ on you in the next paragraph. If you choose to pay attention I promise it will pay off:
From an evolutionary perspective, the ‘nicest’ people (especially nice MEN); the people who like to please people, only have to be nice because they don’t have too many mating “options”. Why is this? Well, because, people who have many, many ‘options’ and potential suitors at their door rarely even have the brain space to go out of their way to please people. There simply is no need to please, because there is always a 10/10 option out there for them. Their life is far too exciting, and the other high status people they hang around are far too engaging.
So, whether you truly are a ‘bad catch’ (you’re not!) or a bad potential mate or not, being overly ‘nice’ and agreeable STILL sends this subconscious message to people: I don’t have too many options at my door.
And here’s the thing: sex is at the bottom of pretty much everything we do. It’s the underpinning of why we do what we do. Survival and reproduction created us. We are here to continue to survive and procreate. Without these two drives, we are nothing. And these are the two strongest drives within us.
As much of a bitch as you may seem when you publicly slap a man and walk off after he said something demeaning, you are also exciting. (a woman named Stephanie who emailed me recently proved this. She slapped a man she met at an art gallery for telling her she has a ‘very nice hourglass figure’ the first time they met. And in fact, it was the MAN she slapped who e-mailed me for advice. I later got talking to this lovely lady as well, who is full of depth and a strong sense of self worth). By the way, they later started dating and roughly 2 months later, are STILL together as we speak (thanks for the updates Stephanie).
So, having said all this – it’s ok if you’ve been boring before. I went through that stage; and I think we’ve all been through it. Sometimes fear gets the better of us and we become ‘paralyzed’ and can’t be alive and present with life.
But here’s the question: what actually makes a woman boring?
I’ve done a lot of thinking about this subject, because I intuitively knew that boringness is the last thing you want to be as a woman. So I’ve narrowed it down to 5 simple things that make a woman boring, just for your reference:
1) The tendency to avoid being noticed in social situations for fear of people judging you.
2) Having the mindset that “mistakes are bad”. This belief usually goes under the radar, in your subconscious. You may not think you hold this belief, but your actions show that you do.
Just in case you’re interested – this belief is not really YOURS. You picked it up at School.
Mistakes are one of the most valuable things in your life. Every time you make a mistake, you give yourself a beautiful gift – the gift of becoming an even more experienced, wise and interesting woman because you’ve learned more about what ‘works’ and what doesn’t work in life. If you choose to, you become more, as a person.
In reality, you don’t need to avoid doing the wrong thing with men - what you truly need, is to fail faster. But not use “it’s ok to fail” as an excuse to constantly devalue yourself for a man! It might be a hard thing to do – but it works.
3) Holding the belief that you shouldn’t ever say ‘bad’ things about others. I know your grandma meant well when she said: “if you haven’t got anything nice to say don’t say anything at all”, and there definitely IS truth in that (thanks nanna). But the problem comes when you take it to the extreme and don’t ever voice your honest opinions on another person’s way of acting, or another person’s belief.
In order to be a valuable person socially – your thoughts on another person’s values and habits actually set you apart – and show that you have the energy, and the PASSION in your life to actually stand for something. Passion is an incredibly attractive thing, in case you haven’t noticed yet.
And of course – the other valuable thing about having an opinion is that it bonds you further to other people who share your values too. If you’re an “agreeable” person and give “equal respect” or “equal kind treatment” to EVERYBODY, you’re hardly going to develop a connection with many men – or even women, because there’s no depth to the relationship or friendship.
A lot of us want to avoid being the ‘mean’ or judgmental person, but that’s boring, because you’re rejecting a part of yourself. In the end, what excites us, and what draws other high value, high status men to YOU is what’s exciting about you. And when you think about it; what excites us humans is the juicy, controversial stuff.
So you don’t have to be a woman who beats up her man or torches his car – but there’s a reason why the media hardly ever runs and articles on the ‘happy couple’ – because those stories are too boring to us. Sad and a bit sick, but true.
So should you sit there bagging other people? No. But you SHOULD express your honest, authentic feelings and opinions, and use that as a way of bonding to others. Don’t just bitch with bad intentions because you’re green with envy or like to see others fail. That makes you the low value person.
4) Talking about yourself all the time. Gosh it’s frustrating to hang around people who can only ever muster up conversations about themselves, isn’t it? Especially when you are in a group. And the problem is, most of these people don’t even realize they are doing it.
You want to aim for conversation that adds value to YOU as well as others. If you want to talk about yourself, fine – as long as you have interesting, great stories to tell.
5) I saved the best one til last – a lack of passion. If you’re not passionate, you’re not alive. If you’re not alive, you’re not very engaging or energetic; you’re boring. Which means that less men will want to commit their life to you, and people will not find value in spending time with you. If you want your phone to be buzzing at least sometimes and if you want men to pursue you – get passionate. Start giving yourself the gift of feeling alive. Imperfect, but alive.
So, How Not to be Boring?
There are a few actions steps. But I’m only giving you one to start with.
Become a passionate person.
How do you become a passionate person? It’s simple: Care. Go first. Just care about the things you’re not used to caring about. For example, other people. Or just care more about learning from people. Learning from their life experience. Or even sharing and talking with other people whose stories you can learn from.
You want to experience something in your relationship, like for example, more fun? Give it first. Add that value first. You want a friend to appreciate you more? Appreciate them first. You want people to notice your efforts more? Notice other people’s efforts first.
Counter-intuitive, but it works.
You want a man to approach you or be warm to you? Smile at him first. Don’t expect him to know what you are thinking. (He’s a MAN!)
So how does doing any of THAT make you passionate?
It makes you passionate because you’re putting yourself through what is hard. You’re not doing what most people do – which is to sit there and complain or DEMAND that something happen TO you – you’re moving through your own comfort zone and demanding more from yourself, which automatically makes you FEEL more. It moves you.
People aren’t passionate not just because they’re not passionate – but because they never make themselves DO anything. So they are not ALIVE.
And when you do that, it makes you passionate because it’s a physical thing – moving through emotional difficulty is also moving through physical difficulty. You experience it physically and even if your MIND does not remember that it was hard – your BODY does. And the energy you put out to the world will be more passionate.
So I’m curious: Do you agree? What do you think makes somebody boring?