How to Talk to a Man in a Way that Won’t Make him Pull Away and Go Cold

How to Talk to a Man in a Way that Won't Make him Pull Away and Go Cold

How to Talk so he will Listen to You

Have you ever gotten involved with a man, and 1, 2, 3 or more months down the track, you just couldn’t help asking him where the relationship is going? Maybe you got involved with him sexually, and he kept coming close and then pushing you away. Well, if you’ve tried to voice your feelings and be honest with a man only to feel like he just disappeared, it’s not your fault. And no, it’s NOT needy to have the desire to know where the relationship is going.

Why it’s ok to Want Security

It’s what you naturally want as a woman. Just like men try to push for sex, and they naturally want sex, you want to know where on earth a relationship is going! You want security. And, there’s good reason. If you, as a woman, didn’t look for security in some way, then how would you and your children be protected and safe? Our ancestors needed security for us to be here today. They sure seeked it out, and that biological NEED for a woman to seek out security is still there within you. So there’s nothing wrong with it!

Men and Women don’t “Communicate” Very Well

Only, here’s the only problem with getting that: men and women  don’t “communicate” very well. That makes expressing your feelings and needs to a man difficult. I’m absolutely SURE you know what I’m talking about. You’ll go ahead, be totally honest about something you feel, and tell him what you feel – and at BEST – he’ll  look at you with a blank face, not even acknowledging what you said. Silence. This is hard! And the more blank and quiet he IS – the more your heart beats faster, the more angry and scared you get – and then what happens? You keep talking, because HE isn’t talking! Did he not hear you? Does he not get it? Why can’t he say anything back to me!? At that point, you’re probably thinking inside your head “ok I obviously haven’t explained myself properly and he doesn’t understand what I’m saying so I better explain it in a better way until he GETS it!” and so you keep talking some more – right? Constantly talking until a man understands is a natural desire of women, but rarely works in creating a deep bond with your man. A good example of this is in the recent movie ‘Crazy, Stupid Love’ where Julianne Moore is trying to tell Steve Carrell that she cheated on him and he doesn’t say anything, so she screams “why aren’t you saying anything! You know that only makes me talk more!” and he responds by throwing himself out of the car. So, even though talking more about your feelings makes you think this will help him “GET” you – this is FEMININE Logic. When you actually do this, he just shuts down even more. And it’s NOT because you did the WRONG thing (you can’t do the wrong thing, at least not here, in the feminine woman community. You can only make a MISTAKE, which is very different to doing the wrong thing), so it’s not because you are flawed (you can’t be flawed,  that’s impossible!), it’s because HE IS A MAN. (read my article about why men don’t put more effort) No matter how much of an asshole he is – no matter how COLD that look on his face is, it STILL is not because you have done the wrong thing or because he hates you. He’s just a MAN. Something you are not. And never will be (sorry to disappoint) ;) He is built for a totally different thing than you are as a woman, even though you are both human. You already know this, intuitively. It’s time to start acting on it.

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So what I have for you today is one of my best kept  secrets of making a man relax and stop everything he’s doing and listen to you. Most of my best stuff is kept for members of my programs as it’s taken me literally months, even years of trial and error and expensive seminars to get a hold of this knowledge. But, I know it’s important for you to feel like you can express your feelings without feeling like he’s going to get angry at you. So I’m about to share this strategy with you, and hope that unlike most women, you have the courage to put it in to practice. It’s only a small thing, but most women wouldn’t do it, because they’re too selfish and blinded by their own false ideas of what a man SHOULD be like. I’ve kept this strategy with me for so long because I wanted to get it tested, and I use it myself (I never give you advice I don’t use and have not tested myself) and so do all my close girlfriends with their man, and it works wonders.

YES, there IS a way to communicate your feelings without pushing him away

To DO this though, you first have to realise one thing: He is most likely going to feel BLAMED and CRITICIZED even during the times when you are not blaming him or criticizing him. Expect that he will feel like pulling away from you and that he will feel criticized at least 3 out of 4 times you try to communicate with him. Until you prove to him that you are not like other women and you won’t BLAME him. If that’s too much to handle, then perhaps you should try a relationship with a woman instead? That he will feel like you’re complaining, or that he will feel criticized or blamed is the RULE. Your best bet is to understand it, and expect it. Not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because of the way you, as a woman, communicate. He doesn’t communicate the way you do, so even though you’re making sense in your own head, and you feel innocent, he doesn’t quite get it. So, remember that as a rule. It’s as true as 1 + 1 = 2. Any man who has ever had any kind of a relationship with a member of the female species in the past will naturally feel blamed and start to pull away when you try to bring something up about your relationship, UNLESS you do what I’m about to show you. That’s WHY it’s so hard to communicate your feelings to men. Because they hear your words and feel that you are complaining, or criticizing, or blaming, when all you’re trying to do is hope that he would take a moment to UNDERSTAND you as a woman! And the worst thing is – the more you genuinely try to express yourself, and he doesn’t understand, the more emotional you get. I’ve done this so many times and ended up bursting in to tears just because I wasn’t trying to do anything BUT express myself to him, hoping he would understand. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way with men. And I learned that enough times through seeing the love of my life’s face go blank and cold and seeing him walk away after I innocently tried to express my “Needs” to him. (read my article about the fastest way to push a man away) This kept happening until I discovered this simple sentence to say to my man (whom I like to call my superman, if you don’t mind me sticking a word of admiration for him in here, because he is just THAT amazing) So, knowing all this, how do you go ahead, express your  feelings and emotions and needs in a way that he would be more than willing to hear you? Well, unlike what pretty much all other experts say, which is “don’t have the talk” or “don’t ask where the relationship is going” – which just leaves you clueless because then you start to think the ONLY  alternative is to shut up and go quiet, and say nothing at all – which NEVER works because you’re still fuming and hurting inside with stuff bursting to come out… True? There IS a way. This is what I want you to do:

BEFORE you say anything at ALL to him. Stop yourself,  and say this simple sentence first:

“Hey, it’s not your fault, and I’m not blaming you, because nothing is EVER your fault, but because I love you/because I respect you, I feel it’s important to let you know that I feel [insert authentic feelings ie: anger, scared, fearful, hurt, sad, out of control]“. This disarms him. He can relax and feel that YOU understand HIM first. You are meeting him where he is at, as a man. You’re effectively getting inside his mind without him knowing, and saying what he needs to hear from you before you go ahead and share your feelings. And, if you do this in a genuine way, he will RETURN your gesture by being willing to understand you, too. As I say in my program Understanding Men, understanding men first is one of the quickest ways to stop wasting precious time and youthful years and get men to line up outside your door, waiting to date you. And you can bet your knickers that your girlfriends do not understand men as you do after you take the program. So here’s the catch to using my sentence: don’t USE that line as a justification for actually going ahead and blaming him. Don’t point the finger. Don’t sell yourself short like that. You are a woman of high value, so don’t DO that!

HE is never to be Blamed, and you are never to be Blamed

By the way: is it true that nothing is ever his fault? OF COURSE IT IS. And you truly have to believe that with your soul. Just like nothing is ever YOUR FAULT either. If that sounds weird…I know how you feel. After all, you felt so blamed for so much, growing up. And not to mention how much at fault you feel for your past relationships going wrong. But think about how FREEING it is to no longer have to blame anyone – most importantly YOURSELF. If you can’t NOT blame anyone – at least start by not blaming yourself. See, this is what I believe, without a doubt in my soul: Nothing is ever a man’s fault. Nothing is ever MY FAULT. Making someone at fault is to tie them up with chains, because you’re trying to control them and push them in to a corner. Do you really want to do that to a man? Or to yourself? This doesn’t mean you don’t take responsibility -not at all. You should always take responsibility. But by responsibility I mean CARING for your man, and caring for yourself. That’s what responsibility is. It’s caring. BLAMING and saying someone is at FAULT is just a LIE. Would you go to the police office and say you murdered someone, when you didn’t? Would you lie like that? No? Well, don’t lie and blame yourself or a man. Make it a policy that there is no pointing fingers at his hurtful actions, or at yours. It’s only a way to make yourself feel secure when you feel like you are not good enough inside. When I was much younger, I used to blame people – my parents, my man, myself – until I realised – 1) I was actually a miserable, angry wreck by doing that; and 2) I was lying to myself. Thinking it was everyone’s responsibility to make me feel better. That rarely ever comes, and if it did, if someone did say that to me, I wouldn’t feel good anyway. It’d last 5 minutes and then I’d be back to my miserable, blaming self. Anyway, back to my point:   You can’t claim to LOVE someone and blame them. Simple.   Just like Nelson Mandela said: “Blame is drinking the poison and expecting your enemy to Die.” Coming from a man who came out of prison, being falsely imprisoned for 27 YEARS. If he can say that, if he can have that viewpoint after everything he went through, so can you. After all, you probably haven’t had people come along and falsely imprison you. So there’s another thing about this: You have to believe what you’re saying. Don’t get up after reading this email and go: “oh YES! A way to trick him in to listening to me talk about how he shouldn’t have done this – and how he was WRONG to do that!” Don’t do that. Don’t be a loser like that. Don’t search your memory bank for all the things he should not have done that other time at that place when this happened and that happens. Unless you enjoy being a low value woman. What you SHOULD do is express what you’re actually feeling. Which is usually something like anger, hurt, sadness, guilt, lonely and scared. If you stop for a minute and think, you’ll realise that is the truth of it all. It doesn’t matter how much he has hurt you or how much you have hurt him or how much your ex hurt you – the truth is still in your actual feelings at the moment. Anger is anger. Fear is fear. (read my article about fear of being alone)

What to Say to Him Next…

A word of warning when you say this simple sentence to him: When you do this, it’s possible that he will do something that frustrates you. Something like this: Which is, offer suggestions of what you can DO, even  after you’ve expressed that you’re simply feeling scared or lonely. For example, if you say: “I feel lonely”, and he says something insensitive along the lines of: “Well, why don’t you just call your best friend Sally?” Or “Why don’t you go out and make some new friends?” If he does that, say this (again, in a genuine way, DO NOT say it if you don’t truly believe it. Wait until you really feel it inside before you say it. You’ll be pleased with yourself if you do.) “Thanks, I love that you’re so willing to go out of your way to help me – but you know, there’s actually nothing to be fixed here. It’s just my feelings as they are, and my feelings will pass as quickly as they came. I know that sounds crazy, maybe it’s just because I’m a woman and we’re naturally crazy, but there’s actually nothing to be fixed right now.” This might make him laugh or smile. It might mean he’ll look at you with this confused look on his face. Whatever.  At least you get to feel more in control of your communications with him. So go ahead, and use it, and also let me know how you go! -XxX- Also! Share your thoughts on this article with me below. I look forward to hearing from you.  Renee the feminine woman

31 Comments

  • Staci

    Reply Reply June 26, 2014

    I love everything talked about here but how about the MEN taking the time to understand the women they claim to love? We want to be validated within our own feelings and it seems as though most men don’t know how to do this. When my boyfriend goes all day without reaching for me via a call or a simple text, I don’t feel very loved and nurtured and I have let him know this many times, not in a blaming way, but in a loving way. I’d say I feel invisible and disconnected from you when you go all day without even a good morning or a hello. I think most women will agree with me when I say that WE WISH WE DIDN’T CARE ABOUT THIS STUFF BUT WE DO! Men don’t give a damn about that and can go days and not even worry but we can’t stand it. Is there something we can do to NOT CARE? lol If I didn’t care, I’d be much less aggravated and dissapointed.

    I married a man who was BETA and now I’m deeply in love with an ALPHA male and OMG yes the attraction is off the charts but I dearly think I’m gonna go crazy! lol It’s too much feeling of insecurity and off balance and I’m just not used to it.
    Staci

  • Tess

    Reply Reply April 27, 2014

    Renee,

    I’m hoping you can take the time to respond. In an earlier comment Tiff stated:

    “Say you want to express your hurt over something he did or said. How is it possible to do it in a manner where he doesn’t feel blamed, when his actions are the direct cause of the hurt in the first place (however unintentional)?”

    This is such a valid point. How do we approach this?

  • Fakhra

    Reply Reply April 19, 2014

    Hey Rene,
    i just read the article, and i am planning to change my views in how i should talk to my man.
    we have know eachother for 6 years on and off, and the past couple of months was amazing together. but he is married now and i always feel im second. the past week we have been distant, he has been pulling himself away (i read that article too) now i understand what he means by his actions thanks to you. i also mistakingly tried to explain how i feel, and he just didnt get me. 3 days straight he kept repeating what i had said and misunderstood my point. since then it has been awkward with us. i shall tak your advice, and find the right time to have the talk with him, i hope it will work out.

    Thank you -R

    • sarah

      Reply Reply May 4, 2014

      He’s married, you are second, you will always be second to him. He already chose #1. You make yourself so low value being with someone that is a) not valuing you, and b) not valuing his wife. Do the right thing and get out. No matter what you feel he is not going to chose you ( he’s known you for 6 years, but still picked her over you). Part of me feels angry that you could do that to this woman, but the other part of me feels really sorry for you, please try and work on loving yourself. And respecting yourself. Why would you want to be with a man that will never make you number 1? There is someone out there that will love you like you deserve. God already does.

  • Gracie Decker

    Reply Reply February 16, 2014

    I finally had an occasion to use this.. I was just so overwhelmed with my feelings that I just sat down and told him straight up “I’m not angry at you. I’m not blaming you. But this situation right now.. I feel scared.” I couldn’t believe the reaction from him I got, it made me cry I was so happy.

  • Tiff

    Reply Reply February 6, 2014

    I’m a bit confused.

    Say you want to express your hurt over something he did or said. How is it possible to do it in a manner where he doesn’t feel blamed, when his actions are the direct cause of the hurt in the first place (however unintentional)?

    It seems contradictory to then tell him “I don’t blame you at all — but I feel hurt because of this”. Isn’t that still blaming him for your feelings?

    Sorry if I misunderstood some part of this article, but I really want to understand this!

    • Joan

      Reply Reply March 2, 2014

      I’m stuck on this one too. I tried to tell him I don’t blame him then out pops my accusation. But I made the accusation in a very nice way. Still didn’t work.

  • Yasinta

    Reply Reply January 6, 2014

    Hi Renee,

    I know this is an old post and I’ve read it before and had tried the trial and erorr as well.
    Here’s what I want to ask or get clarity, as said in the begining of the post that we’re woman need to know where the relationship going. I can see how the sentences you teach in this post does overcome his fear for being blamed, and show our love and understanding where he is at.
    but when down to the next sentence to say, what I captured is in this case you show us how to express our fear, hurt, or whatever the feeling to our man, however when it comes to discuss where the relationship going, to me the next sentense is not quite connecting to the main purpose.
    What if I say to him; “I know it’s not your fault, but because I love you and respect you so much, I want to know that I’m scared, I’m scared of loosing you…. how do you think about us, let’s take this relationship to the next level.”
    I also learn how to talk to a man from you programe, and I wonder how to put it in action the best way, because what I imagine when I just express my feeling, he might understand, but when we continue to the next question about where the relationship going, he might pull away if he might not ready for the next level, even after we use the calmness of the 1st sentence. and that actually what scares us.
    really appreciate you clarity to guide us to express our need to find out where the relationship going.

    Thank You

    • Diane Scott

      Reply Reply January 14, 2014

      I am married and have been for 23yrs, my husband seem to be pulling away. I really don’t understand it and why but it is happening and I pray that everything will be ok. I love my husband very much and since I’ve read this article I have come to a realization that communication has a lot to do with it and knowing that he is not as emotional as I am. We are in our 50′s now and many things have changed for the both of use. We got married when we were in our 30′s and wanted to walk down the street holding hands forever together, we see
      older couples and smile and say that is us in 10 more yrs. Well my strenth come from GOD to deal with any and everything that goes on in our relationship it’s to the point where we dont even make love anymore. It could be because of him gaining tones of weight and I did not change in that way at all. I love my husband for who was then and who he has become now although he is still the same man I married 23yrs ago. GOD is the foundation of our Love for each other and giving up is not an option for us.

  • idealistic

    Reply Reply May 13, 2013

    Renee,I wont be tired of saying it, I follow you here and on Facebook, you’re one dearly wise woman! I look after you because is my intention to heal from my insecurities and become the best woman that I already know I can be. Im smart, caring, funny, etc. I just need to learn how to communicate to a man and it costed me a promising relationship, being impulsive, saying words out of fears, If i could go back I would have changed that but, i wouldnt have learnt, i wouldnt have experience, sometimes we learn through pain and believe me, oh boy, to being so close to someone who chased you so badly and for both being the most serious relationship we ever had, talking bout marriage, it does feel like dieing when they ignore you and dissapear from your life, you know, like talking to everyone but you on facebook chat or avoiding as much to communicate with you. I will try to heal and forgive, we live in different countries and i havent finish my studies yet, many factors, you can say he was the “one who got away” or maybe just a relationship that would make me a stronger woman, enough to say that it is time to let go and start all over, focusing in me, healing myself and nurturing/caring about my life. I always feel better when I see your articles, coming from a family where the guilt and blame were always part of the way of raising us, i tend to over analize and look for mistakes, I am taking responsibility, one part of me feels like i lost a good man for lack of patience and understanding and the other part of me, deep inside, knew we might not make it because of the distance and being 24/25 years old not so stablished right now. Thank you Renee!

  • Catherine

    Reply Reply February 25, 2013

    and then also, we are just supposed to say our feelings? not why we are feeling that way?

  • Catherine

    Reply Reply February 25, 2013

    Hi Renee, I love your article. Im just confused on one thhing though. I totally pull the whole talk and talk because they aren’t saying anything, but sometimes because they hurt me I do want or expect an apology and that’s another reason why I keep trying to explain myself. How do I not blame , like I know they didn’t intentionally do it…but I want them to recognize that what they did was hurtful or is bothering me. And what if they feel they have done nothing wrong? I guess my question is how is someone not to be blamed, but apologize. I feel like the way my boyfriend sees it and sometimes me to, is you apologize when you did something wrong, or went about something the wrong way. In my sense, that’s how I feel I was acknowledged. How do I get rid of that “need to apologize”.

  • Anna

    Reply Reply February 12, 2013

    I love this article, thank you.

  • Arabella

    Reply Reply January 13, 2013

    Another tip I’d like to add is to show appreciation for him listening to you albeit a simple thank you, a smile, or a kiss on the cheek. Appreciation is very important and not a lot of guys get that.

  • kiki

    Reply Reply October 11, 2012

    will this work after i yelled at him after 3 weeks about him not making effort with me?

    “Hey, it’s not your fault, and I’m not blaming you, because nothing is EVER your fault, but because I love you/because I respect you, I feel it’s important to let you know that I feel [insert authentic feelings ie: anger, scared, fearful, hurt, sad, out of control]“.

  • tracy

    Reply Reply April 26, 2012

    I split with my ex-boyfriend afew years ago, we live 200 miles apart and he was pressuring me to move up to where he lived. I worked at the time and have 3 children, the oldest being 16 and youngest 11. I would had no where to live plus no job to go to.in the mean time I hurt myself in work and my mother was sick so I dumped him. we keep in touch online and sometimes our chats are great n not knowing at the time he was drinking wine and we’d chat afew days later n he acted as though the chat never happened. we talked about how we felt about each other and meeting up again, for the chat to be blown out of the water and myself feeling completely confused. weekend before valentines day we talked about me going up there n then on valentines eve he emailed me n said im going away for afew days, no sorry or anything. the last few days we’ve started chatting again n he couldnt understand why i was so pissed, so i explained to him in laymans terms n he understood then why i was so pissed n said he didnt blame me. he does a lot of volunteering n he said its obviously effecting his personal life n he was going to change it so he would have more time for his personal needs, even though when we were together he was one of these people who only did things if there was something in it for him! back to now, spoke to him last nite n he’s talked about time for him but no mention about us or making time for me…I just dont know how to handle/deal with this?

    • Ola

      Reply Reply May 13, 2013

      tracy… I know this is an old post but I wanted to say I am in the very same place with someone I really like. The only answer to this is to move on… This man is happy on auto pilot and has no intention of changing his life to include anyone. I tried everything in the book with mine and frankly… nothing ever worked. Being nice kept him in touch but he never made plans to see me until the moment *he* decided he wanted to see me. Every date he ever made with me he cancelled within an hour of supposing to show up, even after confirming he was coming over! odd thing was, he tried to claim that he had to figure things out with his wife that he left some ten years ago…and she has boyfriend! So, as soon as we got close, he put whatever obstacle in the way to block commitment. He never even owned a house with his wife… they have NO property and nothing to fight over. He doesn’t make very much, even though he is very intelligent..he stayed with a job because it was something he like to do, (And there is nothing wrong with that…but it wasn’t like his wife stuck around because he had a ton of money to hand her). I am a homeowner, actually own a few homes…I make six figures and relatively good looking…as beauty goes. ;) He told me our love making was the most amazing sex he ever had, he LOVED my cooking…(he is a chef, too)… and we had so many things in common. While I certainly am a catch, unless he decides he wants to fish, and puts a little bait on the hook… I am on my own to find what I need. And truthfully, so are you. I would suggest to start looking around for something else… don’t make yourself available to him and fill your days with someone that deserves your attention. Let him float without oars… seems so many men these days are content to do that..find themselves old and without. I see it all the time. Best to you… I hope you find that special person and along the way, have some fun!

  • Mes

    Reply Reply April 20, 2012

    How would my children and I be safe? I high value woman knows she has all the tools she needs to keep her and her children safe. A man, tho different, does not posess anything more special that I do for that.

    And no, I am not crazy. And will not label myself as such. Again I am a high value woman. Being alone is never a bad answer. A man is nice, but so is an Hermes scarf.

    • Sarah

      Reply Reply April 20, 2012

      You sound as though u had faced trouble with a man before. Yes I know we can be burned out by some bad experiences with men, but dat still doesnt shut out da advantages and benefits dat we can have wen we are with a sound man. Yes we CAN stay alone and take care of ourselves and our children and be high value women too, but u have to admit life is alot easier when u hav a sound masculine man ready to take care of u and ur children. Dats how i feel nature intended for us aswell, men to act as our protectors and maintainers, for da most security and stability in a family.

  • Niya

    Reply Reply April 20, 2012

    Your articles are amazing. Me and my boyfriend have been in a great relationship for 3 years and this article hits it! When I want to express how I feel , for now on I will say, “honey, it’s not your fault,”…. I think alot of woman are selfish and we don’t take the time to learn men when they are simple. Yes, I blame myself for being mean to him, but I’m open for change :)

    • Renee

      Reply Reply April 20, 2012

      Niya, yes. Many women are far too selfish to seek understanding. Yet, its taking the step to understand more that is the real benefit to us, and not demanding that men do the hard work BEFORE we are willing to get off our lazy butts.

      That never truly makes us happy anyway, because thats all fear talking – & love is our true nature. What we truly want is to be givers of love. Not takers, not unresourceful people acting from insecurity.

      I respect your resolve, your man is so lucky!

  • Sarah

    Reply Reply April 20, 2012

    Thanks alot Renee, from da very bottom of my heart, for da constant flow of wonderful articles dat u write so sincerely, to help us women understand and stop making da mistakes dat we so often unknowingly make wit men. Every one of ur articles is a new eye opener, U r one of da rare sources dat actually give so much of sincere heartfelt advice which works. Ur logic and understanding of wat men want AND wat women want aswell is astonishing and praiseworthy, which also shows how much struggle u must have gone through to obtain dem. Please keep up wit da advice n newsletters and ur programs aswell u give us; der r many women out der beneath da complainers who r secretly admiring ur work and praising u for clearing out der misunderstandings. U r da perfect example of a woman who is both feminine and soft yet hav a strong logic sense and brain up der! :)

    • Renee

      Reply Reply April 20, 2012

      Thanks Sarah, you touched my heart with your words. It’s nice to be appreciated like this. Its a pleasure to have you here. XxX

  • Deb

    Reply Reply April 20, 2012

    Hey Renee,
    Actually I dont get the last part of this article. If you respond by contradicting your real needs.ie trying to express your feelings so he will open up to you where does this leave your endeavour? Saying that your feelings are volatile and there is nothing to be fixed AND THAT YOU ARE CRAZY?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK yes we are nuts at times but the whole point of this article is to get him to open up.By blithely brushing your most urgent need off with such a sentence will surely only re-enforce his perception of you as needy. Your opening sentence is great, it works. (You shared this with us in a previous mail) but the follow up?????????????????????

    • Renee

      Reply Reply April 20, 2012

      Ah, Deb, thanks for letting me know the first sentence worked for you.

      The point of my article was not to get him to open up. The point was to help you set up the situation and grounding with a man in conversation so that you can actually express your needs and desires without him feeling hen-pecked, criticized, blamed, etc.

      It is to disarm him. Does that make sense?

      As for the follow up – that was a warning to you. It is to be used ONLY if he tries to “FIX” something that doesn’t need to be fixed. (most of the time you, we almost all women don’t want anything FIXED! You just want him to listen!)

      I trust you to choose when to leave it out. It is mostly not necessary, unless he offers an ‘insensitive’ response or some kind of solution that makes you feel like you are not listened to.

      Also – the truth of the matter is – all feelings pass. Bad feelings pass, good feelings pass. That’s life, and that’s the basis upon which I advised to say that 2nd part – it’s so that he doesn’t feel like he MUST solve something for you; which actually creates DISTANCE between you and a man.

      Have you felt that before? A man trying to solve your feelings? It doesn’t quite work. Sometimes, we want something solved. But for a man, it’s EVERY TIME almost; unless you make it clear that you don’t want your feelings fixed.

      Nonetheless, take my first sentence and use it as you have, since it has already worked for you.

  • Tierra

    Reply Reply April 19, 2012

    Hi Renee!
    Thanks for including me in this post, I Enjoyed it! If only I can remember to be more casual like, ” u know what baby I’m feeling really sad right now, but it’s not your fault. I’m just sad, it’ll pass though.” if I can say something like that and he be disarmed that would be great! I made a mistake the other day when trying to make hIm “understand” how I felt; going on and on just because he was silent. He would often say “I’m just listening to you” but I would mistakenly keep on yapping. I love him. He has been through so much. Well thanks to you I am not beating myself for making these mistakes! I now view it as two lovers learning to speak eachothers language. No fault in that.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply April 20, 2012

      Tierra, I really love your resolve and the meaning you’ve given your struggle (” I now view it as two lovers learning to speak eachothers language. No fault in that.”)

      That is empowering, and of course, true.

      It makes me happy to know you’re choosing not to blame yourself, and sharing that here so that other women can also be inspired by it. Thanks! xox

  • Mel

    Reply Reply April 19, 2012

    Dear Renee,
    I was with you 100% right up until the end of the article. But this line here:

    “I know that sounds crazy, maybe it’s just because I’m a woman and we’re naturally crazy, ”

    What is high value about self-deprecating? Specifically, by calling yourself crazy for having emotions? Men have just as many deep and complex emotions as women, but are perhaps less aware of them. Being female is not a mental handicap.
    For me, that line took away from the rest of your message, which was otherwise lovely.

    Best wishes to you and David,

    Mel

    • Renee

      Reply Reply April 19, 2012

      Hi Mel,

      You’ve been a reader of mine since very long ago, so I am surprised that my intentions weren’t understood.

      Perhaps I haven’t made myself clear enough, so thank you for pointing these things out…

      Just keep in mind that the point of the things I suggested to say in this article are to disarm a man and to MEET HIM WHERE HE’S AT.

      Not go against him! Have you noticed that with a lot of advice out there, it feels like you’re at constant war with men?

      You’ll never get that with my advice.

      What is high value about self deprecating? A LOT! If you can laugh at yourself and be cool about it, (take the tennis star Martina Hingis, who used to laugh at herself while playing) that is a sign of higher value. You are ok with being imperfect and that is a highly valuable thing in other people’s lives.

      It takes a high value woman to be able to self deprecate humorously.

      And, by the way, it’s not what you say that makes you high value. It’s the WOMAN who is high value. If you are high value, you can say almost anything and get away with it.

      It’s the people who hold themselves as low value who cannot get away with it.

      So, suggestions of what to say are great – but if inside, you don’t hold yourself that way, no matter what you say, it will come across as low value.

      Also, Mel, it’s humor. Don’t you enjoy being with funny, light-hearted people? It’s supposed to be funny. Just like my man humorously tells me sometimes “men are stupid.”

      I laugh when he says that. There’s a truth to it. It makes me giggle.

      We all know it’s not true, but it is also true.

      There’s a truth to men being stupid, when it comes to dealing with women, right?

      There’s also a truth to women being crazy, when dealing with men. I am proud to say that I’m a little crazy. I wouldn’t be truly living if I wasn’t crazy at times. I don’t mean psychotic, and that I hurt people. Not at all. But there’s a GOOD crazy and a crazy that damages other people’s lives. That’s not the one I’m advocating.

      Being crazy is one of the joys of life – and one of the greatest assets I bring to my relationship with my fiancee.

      Why would you want to be a straight arrow all the time? As long as other people know you don’t intend to hurt them, it’s an incredibly valuable thing.

      I can guarantee you, if, for eg, you can not take it personally when a man says women are crazy, and instead, laugh and admit that yes it’s sometimes true, you will come across as high value because you’re not reacting with defensiveness. You’re reacting with openness.

      And the point of saying that you’re naturally crazy is that you don’t take yourself so SERIOUSLY. And I can say, most times, when you say that – most men WILL laugh, or it will break their pattern, and encourage them to be more engaged with you – why?

      Because that is a lot of men’s experiences with women – that they ARE crazy.

      To me, it’s not a put down.

      It’s also a lot of WOMEN’S experiences with other women. Women are unpredictable, if they are feminine. We change our minds, we change our outfits, we burst out crying one minute and laugh the next (something masculine men rarely do).

      And you know what? Men quietly enjoy it. Otherwise, why would men marry some crazy, off-the-hook women, whom feminists would shudder at the sight of?

      See the other post you just commented on – ‘what makes a woman boring?’ for the numerous women who have left a story about having slapped a man because their emotions got the better of them. But I’m getting off track.

      Men DO have deep and complex emotions. But they are not expressed in the way most women express their emotions.

      The point is to disarm a man – that’s the point of this article. It’s to meet them where they’re at in their heads, at stop taking ourselves so seriously when we express our emotions and NEEDS – because, as I’m sure you already know, men feel it is WAY too serious sometimes with women’s emotions.

      But, hey, if it’s not your thing, I understand.

      Just to leave off, I am attaching this picture for your enjoyment. :)

      http://loldamn.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/funny-George-Carlin-quote.jpg

  • Carrie

    Reply Reply April 19, 2012

    Very Very true, thank you for writing so many amazing artilcle that constantly open eyes and bring new knowledge and understanding to my life. You have an amazing gift, thank you for sharing it!

    • Renee

      Reply Reply April 19, 2012

      Thank You Carrie, this means a lot. However, all the credit goes to you. Women who want to understand rather than complain when it comes to men are rare.

      I wish you all the best on your journey.

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