How to Talk so he will Listen to You
Have you ever gotten involved with a man, and 1, 2, 3 or more months down the track, you just couldn't help asking him where the relationship is going?
Maybe you got involved with him sexually, and he kept coming close and then pushing you away.
Well, if you've tried to voice your feelings and be honest with a man only to feel like he just disappeared, it's not your fault. And no, it's NOT needy to have the desire to know where the relationship is going. (Click here to take the quiz "Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?")
Why it's OK to Want Security
It's what you naturally want as a woman. Just like men try to push for sex, and they naturally want sex, you want to know where on earth a relationship is going! You want security.
And, there's good reason. If you, as a woman, didn't look for security in some way, then how would you and your children be protected and safe?
Our ancestors needed security for us to be here today. They sure seeked it out, and that biological NEED for a woman to seek out security is still there within you.
So there's nothing wrong with it!
Men and Women don't "Communicate" Very Well
Only, here's the only problem with getting that: men and women don't "communicate" very well. That makes expressing your feelings and needs to a man difficult.
I'm absolutely SURE you know what I'm talking about.
You'll go ahead, be totally honest about something you feel, and tell him what you feel - and at BEST - he'll look at you with a blank face, not even acknowledging what you said. Silence.
This is hard! And the more blank and quiet he IS - the more your heart beats faster, the more angry and scared you get - and then what happens? You keep talking, because HE isn't talking!
Did he not hear you? Does he not get it? Why can’t he say anything back to me!?
At that point, you're probably thinking inside your head "OK I obviously haven't explained myself properly and he doesn't understand what I'm saying so I better explain it in a better way until he GETS it!" and so you keep talking some more - right?
Constantly talking until a man understands is a natural desire of women, but rarely works in creating a deep bond with your man. A good example of this is in the recent movie ‘Crazy, Stupid Love’ where Julianne Moore is trying to tell Steve Carrell that she cheated on him and he doesn’t say anything, so she screams “why aren’t you saying anything! You know that only makes me talk more!” and he responds by throwing himself out of the car.
So, even though talking more about your feelings makes you think this will help him “GET” you - this is FEMININE Logic. When you actually do this, he just shuts down even more. And it's NOT because you did the WRONG thing (you can't do the wrong thing, at least not here, in the feminine woman community. (Click here to get your "Goddess Report")
You can only make a MISTAKE, which is very different to doing the wrong thing), so it's not because you are flawed (you can't be flawed, that's impossible!), it's because HE IS A MAN. (read my article about why men don't put more effort)
No matter how much of an asshole he is - no matter how COLD that look on his face is, it STILL is not because you have done the wrong thing or because he hates you. He's just a MAN. Something you are not. And never will be (sorry to disappoint)
He is built for a totally different thing than you are as a woman, even though you are both human. You already know this, intuitively. It's time to start acting on it.
So what I have for you today is one of my best kept secrets of making a man relax and stop everything he's doing and listen to you. Most of my best stuff is kept for members of my programs as it's taken me literally months, even years of trial and error and expensive seminars to get a hold of this knowledge.
But, I know it's important for you to feel like you can express your feelings without feeling like he's going to get angry at you. So I'm about to share this strategy with you, and hope that unlike most women, you have the courage to put it in to practice.
It's only a small thing, but most women wouldn't do it, because they're too selfish and blinded by their own false ideas of what a man SHOULD be like.
I've kept this strategy with me for so long because I wanted to get it tested, and I use it myself (I never give you advice I don't use and have not tested myself) and so do all my close girlfriends with their man, and it works wonders.
YES, there IS a way to communicate your feelings without pushing him away
To DO this though, you first have to realise one thing:
He is most likely going to feel BLAMED and CRITICIZED even during the times when you are not blaming him or criticizing him.
Expect that he will feel like pulling away from you and that he will feel criticized at least 3 out of 4 times you try to communicate with him. Until you prove to him that you are not like other women and you won’t BLAME him. If that’s too much to handle, then perhaps you should try a relationship with a woman instead?
That he will feel like you're complaining, or that he will feel criticized or blamed is the RULE.
Your best bet is to understand it, and expect it. Not because you've done anything wrong, but because of the way you, as a woman, communicate. He doesn’t communicate the way you do, so even though you’re making sense in your own head, and you feel innocent, he doesn’t quite get it.
So, remember that as a rule. It's as true as 1 + 1 = 2.
Any man who has ever had any kind of a relationship with a member of the female species in the past will naturally feel blamed and start to pull away when you try to bring something up about your relationship, UNLESS you do what I'm about to show you.
That's WHY it's so hard to communicate your feelings to men. Because they hear your words and feel that you are complaining, or criticizing, or blaming, when all you're trying to do is hope that he would take a moment to UNDERSTAND you as a woman!
And the worst thing is - the more you genuinely try to express yourself, and he doesn't understand, the more emotional you get.
I've done this so many times and ended up bursting in to tears just because I wasn't trying to do anything BUT express myself to him, hoping he would understand.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way with men. And I learned that enough times through seeing the love of my life's face go blank and cold and seeing him walk away after I innocently tried to express my "Needs" to him. (read my article about the fastest way to push a man away)
This kept happening until I discovered this simple sentence to say to my man (whom I like to call my superman, if you don't mind me sticking a word of admiration for him in here, because he is just THAT amazing)
So, knowing all this, how do you go ahead, express your feelings and emotions and needs in a way that he would be more than willing to hear you?
Well, unlike what pretty much all other experts say, which is "don't have the talk" or "don't ask where the relationship is going" - which just leaves you clueless because then you start to think the ONLY alternative is to shut up and go quiet, and say nothing at all - which NEVER works because you're still fuming and hurting inside with stuff bursting to come out...
True? There IS a way.
This is what I want you to do:
BEFORE you say anything at ALL to him. Stop yourself, and say this simple sentence first:
"Hey, it's not your fault, and I'm not blaming you, because nothing is EVER your fault, but because I love you/because I respect you, I feel it's important to let you know that I feel [insert authentic feelings ie: anger, scared, fearful, hurt, sad, out of control]".
This disarms him. He can relax and feel that YOU understand HIM first. You are meeting him where he is at, as a man. You’re effectively getting inside his mind without him knowing, and saying what he needs to hear from you before you go ahead and share your feelings.
And, if you do this in a genuine way, he will RETURN your gesture by being willing to understand you, too. As I say in my program Understanding Men, understanding men first is one of the quickest ways to stop wasting precious time and youthful years and get men to line up outside your door, waiting to date you. And you can bet your knickers that your girlfriends do not understand men as you do after you take the program.
So here's the catch to using my sentence: don't USE that line as a justification for actually going ahead and blaming him. Don't point the finger. Don't sell yourself short like that. You are a woman of high value, so don't DO that!
HE is never to be Blamed, and you are never to be Blamed
By the way: is it true that nothing is ever his fault? OF COURSE IT IS. And you truly have to believe that with your soul. Just like nothing is ever YOUR FAULT either.
If that sounds weird...I know how you feel. After all, you felt so blamed for so much, growing up. And not to mention how much at fault you feel for your past relationships going wrong.
But think about how FREEING it is to no longer have to blame anyone - most importantly YOURSELF. If you can't NOT blame anyone - at least start by not blaming yourself.
See, this is what I believe, without a doubt in my soul:
Nothing is ever a man's fault. Nothing is ever MY FAULT. Making someone at fault is to tie them up with chains, because you’re trying to control them and push them in to a corner. Do you really want to do that to a man? Or to yourself?
This doesn't mean you don't take responsibility -not at all. You should always take responsibility.
But by responsibility I mean CARING for your man, and caring for yourself. That's what responsibility is. It's caring.
BLAMING and saying someone is at FAULT is just a LIE. Would you go to the police office and say you murdered someone, when you didn't? Would you lie like that?
Well, don't lie and blame yourself or a man. Make it a policy that there is no pointing fingers at his hurtful actions, or at yours.
It's only a way to make yourself feel secure when you feel like you are not good enough inside.
When I was much younger, I used to blame people - my parents, my man, myself - until I realised -
1) I was actually a miserable, angry wreck by doing that; and
2) I was lying to myself. Thinking it was everyone’s responsibility to make me feel better.
That rarely ever comes, and if it did, if someone did say that to me, I wouldn't feel good anyway. It’d last 5 minutes and then I’d be back to my miserable, blaming self.
Anyway, back to my point:
You can't claim to LOVE someone and blame them.
Just like Nelson Mandela said: "Blame is drinking the poison and expecting your enemy to Die."
Coming from a man who came out of prison, being falsely imprisoned for 27 YEARS. If he can say that, if he can have that viewpoint after everything he went through, so can you.
After all, you probably haven't had people come along and falsely imprison you.
So there's another thing about this:
You have to believe what you're saying.
Don't get up after reading this email and go: "oh YES! A way to trick him in to listening to me talk about how he shouldn't have done this - and how he was WRONG to do that!"
Don't do that. Don't be a loser like that.
Don't search your memory bank for all the things he should not have done that other time at that place when this happened and that happens. Unless you enjoy being a low value woman.
What you SHOULD do is express what you're actually feeling. Which is usually something like anger, hurt, sadness, guilt, lonely and scared.
If you stop for a minute and think, you'll realise that is the truth of it all. It doesn't matter how much he has hurt you or how much you have hurt him or how much your ex hurt you - the truth is still in your actual feelings at the moment.
Anger is anger. Fear is fear. (read my article about fear of being alone)
What to Say to Him Next...
A word of warning when you say this simple sentence to him:
When you do this, it's possible that he will do something that frustrates you. Something like this:
Which is, offer suggestions of what you can DO, even after you've expressed that you're simply feeling scared or lonely.
For example, if you say: "I feel lonely", and he says something insensitive along the lines of:
"Well, why don't you just call your best friend Sally?"
Or "Why don't you go out and make some new friends?"
If he does that, say this (again, in a genuine way, DO NOT say it if you don't truly believe it. Wait until you really feel it inside before you say it. You'll be pleased with yourself if you do.)
"Thanks, I love that you're so willing to go out of your way to help me - but you know, there's actually nothing to be fixed here. It's just my feelings as they are, and my feelings will pass as quickly as they came. I know that sounds crazy, maybe it's just because I'm a woman and we're naturally crazy, but there's actually nothing to be fixed right now."
This might make him laugh or smile.
It might mean he'll look at you with this confused look on his face. Whatever. At least you get to feel more in control of your communications with him.
Tired of misunderstanding with your man? Click here to read more about our Understanding Men program.
So go ahead, and use it, and also let me know how you go!
Also! Share your thoughts on this article with me below. I look forward to hearing from you.