What is Femininity and How to Be Your Feminine Self

what is femininity

Become the real you…

“What is Femininity?”

The fact that we have to ask that question says a lot about how difficult it can be to begin letting your femininity show. Most us who are over the age of 5, for example, don’t need to ask “what is a foot?” or “what is an apple?” because it’s obvious to us. Femininity isn’t obvious to us. And it’s frustrating.

Many women find it easy to start the surface version of femininity: buy lots of dresses, wear make up, buy lots of shoes.

But what does this do? It merely makes us LOOK feminine.

All some women need to do after that is just open their mouths and speak, and the label of “femininity” can disappear. That’s right, being a woman doesn’t mean you show up to other people as a feminine woman.

Does every man seem masculine to you? I doubt it.

Femininity and masculinity is an energy that you give to others. (read my article about masculine skills you should have in dating)

So what is Femininity?

I have been meaning to write this post about what femininity is for so long. I wrote about 5 drafts of it and it’s been sitting in my drafts for months and month on end. In fact I think I started the first draft over a year ago.

Then I scrapped it, put my head in my hands and said what I usually say to myself when I’m trying to answer a question I don’t yet have the answer to – which is:

“You can’t truly know and understand what something is until you’ve earned it.” And by earned it, I mean, truly LEARNING something, through my own life experience. So that it’s authentic.

I’m happy to say I learned. But in case you don’t want to know all about that….

Here is the short answer to what femininity is and how to be your feminine self:

Femininity is what you show to the world through your actions when you no longer feel like you are not enough(read my articles about how to be feminine)

The Long answer…

It’s you being more of yourself. The real you. The authentic you, beneath the layers of walls you’ve built up to protect yourself from pain.

Femininity is what you show to the world through your actions when you no longer feel like you are not enough.Not beautiful enough, not strong enough, not smart enough. Not sexy enough. It’s the energy you give out when you are not trying to be something other than yourself.

Because for as long as we feel like we are not enough, we always wear MASKS. And it’s these masks that make us act fake and try to prove ourselves to men, or make a naturally more feminine woman act masculine when that isn’t really her true nature.

As for how to show up as your feminine self: stop trying to GET love from men. Know that you are already worthy of it. And stop trying to get love from women. And stop trying to GET love from your parents. You ARE already enough. And give love first. When you give it first, you are the real you. You are vulnerable, and authentic, and you are living true to your feminine essence.

The only way you can give love first, is to feel like you are enough.

By the way, the same is true for a masculine man.

If a man stops focusing on what he has to do to be ‘enough’, to be the strongest, fastest, funniest, richest, biggest, most successful, and maybe have the biggest penis, and instead knew he was enough already, then his true masculine essence would show up. Because he is being more of HIMSELF.

There’s nothing worse than being with a man who thinks he has to keep trying to prove himself to women, no? How can he be your man if he keeps thinking he needs to do this and that to get your acceptance?       

  ******************************************

Here’s how I learned what femininity really is

I always knew that true feminine energy shows up when you remove your ‘masks’ and get to your true feminine core. But I didn’t know what those masks were. The idea sounded great. Years ago, maybe 4 years ago, I started becoming more feminine by wearing ribbons in my hair. Then I started speaking softer.

That was great, but it didn’t really do it for me.

It was only when I had a really, really bad few days that I “got” it.

I was feeling lonely. Of course, I wasn’t actually lonely. I was feeling lonely.

And the worse thing was, I had everything I wanted. My career was where I wanted it to be. I have my lovely dog, Lady. I have close and amazing, treasured friends. I have an amazing relationship. I have a fiancee I am in love with; and we have a passionate, wonderful life together. But something was missing and it was driving me crazy.

The Problem of Emptiness…

I was feeling so EMPTY of love. Empty of praise. EMPTY of acceptance. And appreciation. But I didn’t have the answer as to WHY. I just knew I felt really, really bad. And the longer I ignored it, the worse it got. You probably know what this is like. And really, I just feared the emptiness. I didn’t want to feel it and be reminded that I might not be enough for those around me. (read my article about our deepest fears)

So what did I do? Well, as disappointing as it is for me to say, I started taking it out on the ones I love most. My parents. My man.

I made up a story in my head of how this was wrong and that I wasn’t getting such and such from them that THEY should be giving me. What a joke. I thought they owed me something. They owed me acknowledgement. They owed me praise.

But the truth was: I was in pain because I wasn’t giving my gift. And my true gift comes from my feminine core which is love. I wasn’t being true to who I really am. And I realised that, I was looking for outside reasons to stop FEELING. Feeling pain, and fear.

But the problem is…..actually FEELING things fully, and through….and breathing through the worst emotions we have…and allowing them to well up in our bodies…is KEY to being more of your feminine self. 

We might think we feel jealous, angry, and critical and taken for granted….but all it is, at the core of it, is FEAR. Fear that we are not enough. That’s it. And when we feel like we are not enough….man or woman, we cannot be truly feminine or truly masculine.

So this is what I was doing: I was running around, trying to make others pay for the loneliness I had created within myself. Which, by the way, is a complete illusion. No one is ever truly lonely, are they?

Are there a hundred people out there you could find right now to start a conversation with? Absolutely.

Are there thousands of people waiting for you to remind them that they are enough? For sure.

Are there hundreds of people you can touch with a life story of your own? Yup.

Are there thousands upon thousands of men out there, waiting to connect with a woman who has the courage to truly be herself? Who has the confidence he craves to just let him be a man? Why, YES.

***********************************

So I started making up in my head that I wasn’t getting enough from the people around me. And my relationships got lonelier. I felt LESS love from everybody around me, and I felt less and less love for myself.

Which is the most painful thing to experience, isn’t it? Because others can always love you, but you still don’t feel loved because you don’t love yourself. And then it’s only YOU who can take responsibility for this.

It wasn’t until one day, it got so bad, I actually woke up for two days in a row, and first thing in the morning, I called my man up and started complaining and crying down the phone about a problem in my life outside of our relationship, that he knew nothing about and that wasn’t his responsibility that I realised: I was making up a problem out of nowhere.

There’s nothing wrong with calling a man up and crying, or even making a problem out to be bigger than it is (women do this, it’s in the nature of the feminine to make things seem bigger and more dramatic. Masculine men make everything smaller).

It wasn’t that I was making a problem bigger; it was the fact that I was making up stuff to avoid facing the fear that I am not enough, and actually feeling that.

I was trying to take from my man, hoping I’d get the praise and appreciation I wanted; but really should have been giving to myself first.

So when I felt myself getting way out of hand, I excused myself, got off the phone….and finally LET myself feel the emptiness and fear I was feeling.

Women and Avoiding Emptiness

And it is this EMPTINESS that every single feminine woman on earth is trying to avoid. We hate emptiness when we are in our feminine state, we hate the emptiness that makes us feel lonely, because the feminine energy is all about filling up with love. And the loneliest women, the ones who feel the most empty, are the ones who read romance novel after romance novel to try and fill that emptiness up.

Or we eat ourselves to numbness, trying not to FEEL the emptiness. Or we blame others, making THEM not enough and making THEM wrong, just so we can MAKE ourselves feel something other than emptiness.

Or we spend too much money on clothes only to forget that we even own that beautiful blouse just a week later.

Or we hate on other women for experiencing the love that we want for ourselves.

Or we try to bring down another beautiful woman, finding any flaw we can in their make up or clothes, so we don’t have to face the pain that we feel when we don’t feel like we are enough.

And it wasn’t until for the first time in a long time, I let myself feel the pain of emptiness, that I actually started to fill up with love and joy. Why? Because the emptiness allowed all the past fears that I had ignored to come up and be heard and felt.  I started to fill up with love….I went back to my true state. I went from being a numb robot to being more free and when I was free, I was able to be feminine.

I started to feel free. And when I felt free, a funny thing happened. And this is true for every woman.

Suddenly, I could give my gift. I could GIVE love, instead of trying to GET it from others. I felt attractive. I felt loving, I felt resourceful. I didn’t feel numb or desperate. I didn’t need to tell my parents about every single achievement I had; I could instead, simply just make them laugh, or share happy memories with them.

Suddenly, I didn’t have to buy new clothes, subconsciously hoping that I would be more loved by my man that way. I could simply buy new clothes just because I wanted to express more of myself, and give more of myself. Not take more approval.

It didn’t matter, because what makes me enough, and what makes me be myself, and what makes me my true feminine self, is me feeling like I am enough. Then, all the masks are stripped away.

See, when we feel like we are enough, as human beings….

We no longer try to not call a man back for a least a day….ONLY because then he will not think we are a lunatic and then he might love us more.

We no longer try to prove that we are not like other women and not crazy by being in total “control” of our emotions.

We no longer feel that we have to ACHIEVE something before we are worthy of being loved.

And then we can just be who we naturally are, whatever that is. Masculine or feminine.

And as a woman, when you can just be – you can connect with ANYONE you want to connect to. You can form relationships and friendships easily. And that is when your femininity will really show, because for femininity to survive, it is all about CONNECTION, being connected to life, and to existing as love, rather than trying GET it and take it from people in the form of approval from others.

So here are 3 Action Steps to becoming more of your Feminine self

1) Any time during the day or night, if you feel lonely, sad, or angry, instead of instantly going to eat something, bury yourself in work, or call someone up to get them to make you feel better and end the conversation abruptly when they DON’T, or start looking through people’s facebook photos to see how you compare to other women….let yourself FEEL. Feel the fear, feel whatever anger it is that you feel.

Let yourself feel by crying. Go somewhere private where you can be with yourself. By the way, I don’t mean, just go write in a journal or just sit in a dark room staring in to darkness, I mean, scream, cry, breathe through the PHYSICAL pain that you feel. Yes, it will be physical. AND the longer you’ve rejected your emotions over the years, the MORE physical it will be. So let yourself feel that. You don’t have to cover it up, and it’s not wrong. And, no, you won’t die. You’ll still be here tomorrow and no one will curse you for feeling….or screaming…or crying. or just being angry.

If you, as a woman, do NOT let yourself feel anything or cleanse yourself through crying, you become a robot. You get sick. Your feminine organs go tight, you can’t be yourself, you lose your sex drive, and you hold resentment in places in your body, and all signs of life start to disappear. Your face no longer lights up. Your smile becomes fake.

And then your energy shows up as more masculine. More controlled, More directed, instead of free and flowing. And believe me, when you’re free, you will attract more men than you can handle.

2) Every morning, make it a ritual before you go to work or go to college, to put on some music and dance. Don’t do a routine! No Routines. This is what I HATE about dance schools and teachers sometimes. Everything has to be about a result. You have to dance and make some routine, even if you don’t perform at a concert! What a terrible way to learn dancing and express yourself!

Just dance in whatever way your body feels it should dance. It’s simply about letting your body move. You don’t have to perform! You just need to be, and flow.

Do it every morning. Use the kind of music that you know will make you want to move your body. Some days you’ll feel more crazy and want to dance like you would at a club. Some mornings, you might want to dance slowly and sensually. Whatever your body wants to do.

3) This is the hardest step.

Remind yourself that it’s your task to consistently keep opening more and more to your own fears, and let yourself be present with life. Be present with fear, Be present with joy. Be present with ecstasy. Be present with shame. Allow those things to flow through your body and be real to you. Don’t stuff everything down just so you can keep pretending.

It’s a journey. And it’s a journey you will be on for the rest of your life. Luckily, it also allows you to grow more and more beautiful every day.

Renee the feminine womanThat’s all. Leave me a comment below, telling me your thoughts, and your experiences. I look forward to hearing from you. xox

83 Comments

  • Jade

    Reply Reply April 4, 2014

    Thanks for this. Today I was just a bit down and feeling sorry for myself but this was just what the Doctor ordered. Reading it has renewed the spirit which seemed to have ebbed from me.

  • Charity

    Reply Reply March 29, 2014

    I normally dont comment on things but this seriously just changed my life im so glad i came across it and thank you for writing it..I relate to every word…when my boyfriend admitted that he wasnt feeling attracted to me because i wasnt “feminine”, I took it completely out of his intent, going back to the little girl inside me who constantly compared herself to all the other girls and felt different..it made me even more insecure, and i spent months trying to be more “girly”, trying to be appear more ‘attractive”, in the past month i literally threw out my wardrobe and bought all new clothes hoping to appear more feminine to him..watching youtube videos on the subject, all to which were not helping me in the least..because i thought this was a physical issue..This actually gave me more insight on the cause, and while i was aware that i hold onto supressed emotions and a couple resentments, i never would have thought the two went hand in hand..and it may seem silly but i also did not realize that by not loving myself and not being able to be “myself” around people contributed to this..i feel like i just gained control of my life and know what i need to do thank you again <3

  • lMdm

    Reply Reply March 20, 2014

    Thank you, Renee! I could feel connections in my heart while reading, well, listening to you, thank you! For your story shared – thank you! Your steps reminded me of “The Rap” by Secret Garden – I might have been 15 then, I was cleaning dust from shelves in my family home and this song came from speakers. The dance was inevitable! I incorporated the song to a list of songs for mothers expecting babies I’ve been trying to compose with readers on my blog. x

  • Anya

    Reply Reply March 4, 2014

    Thanks Renee for this article! I have been feeling stuck for days from stress and overload of things I have to do, and the pressure for the success. And my roommate talks A LOT. She doesn’t let me be sit quiet and focus. If she needs to talk, she NEEDS to talk. I love her, but she is very easy to get angry, and I am scared to death for angry people (include my own anger), so if I tell her to please be quiet and leave me alone when she wants to talk, she does but I can feel her rage radiate toward me. And it makes me nauseated because I either 1). suck in her anger or 2) I blame myself for not being a good roommate.

    So last week I went to my room and put candles on (so I won’t fall asleep), lie on the floor and let myself feel all the feeling, whatever comes up. I cried, silently screamed, it went on well over half an hour. But I needed to feel this feeling in order to let it go. It will help me to overcome my fear and take care of myself:)

  • butch3

    Reply Reply February 12, 2014

    I have told the VA.Hospls. I am a woman in a man body and I can not find a DR. turn me to in woman.

  • Jacqueline oung

    Reply Reply February 7, 2014

    l agree that you have to show yourself as you really are, and let a man see that , whatever it may be ,My husband died, 2 yrs ago and l got involved with another man , and after knowing him for one year he turned out to be a married man, he said he loves me very much, and l fell in love with him too, l am unable to break away from him and he said he will tell his wife about us when it is appropriate , it is a difficult situation for me .

  • Sarah

    Reply Reply November 14, 2013

    So beautiful. I just love you Renee. You are beautiful xxx

  • Linda

    Reply Reply November 5, 2013

    That’s all Renee? You just blow me away each time with your insight! How old are you anyhow…a very wise Soul indeed! Thank you for such thoughtfulness and finally writing this piece.

  • Kendra

    Reply Reply October 29, 2013

    I’ve actually went through these steps. Recently, I finally expressed how I felt to an ex. He contacted me wanting to be friends but was being a jerk about it. Normally I’d hold it in and not say anything, but this time I UNLOADED on him. I told him that he was a jerk for not apologizing and just not owning up to cheating on me or being cold and expecting me to just forget about everything. I cried (I’m not a crier in the least except when I’m very hurt), I yelled, and I expressed. I felt freer after that and I noticed I was glowing and smiling afterward. Holding a pleasant convo with him after he apologized. I feel clean and free and radiant :)

  • Nic

    Reply Reply September 18, 2013

    Brilliant as always Renee! Isn’t it amazing when you can let go of the feeling of emptiness? that happened for me very recently, and I feel so feminine and it is amazing how many men have been approaching me, it’s all true! Not that that’s what its all about of course, but still very liberating. Love xx

  • Holly

    Reply Reply September 11, 2013

    :”-(, aww thanks Renee, this article is perfect and just the thing I need to read, more than you could possibly imagine .since the only thing I’ve ever felt is unworthy and not deserving of love or to be treated propaly.

    The only messages I seemed to have collected is of been put down and I got bullied alot in school and early work life as I only projected out to others, treat me badly, I’m unworthy.

    It feels unatural to tell myself I’m a worthy person so hence the reason for been over happy and no I don’t deserve the nice treatment of other’s as growing older with a changing mind set means better treatment and been complimented by others.

    I will try though Renee to do what you’ve said but it’s not something I’m overly comfortably with.

    I get the crying and sadness thing ylur refering to the as thats something my psychologist has taught me.

    As for my sister, I’d say that I’ve felt inferior and some people have said that I’ve lived in her shadow my entire life, and certainly my parents see her in a more favourble light unconsioucly. They unaware of it has they don’t anything about bodylanguage or psychology.

    It has hurt and it makes matters worse when my sister says that she can flirt her way through drinks and I can just say it’s my birthday, and that men/some men would look past me, along side other statments like this.

    In fact I had another woman say that their could be one woman who looks good and might not be as nice of a person or something or another and then there could be another (aiming her hands at me) saying men would look past her but she’s a lovely person.

    So basically I’m not that pretty in the face and that’s the reason why I feel less of a person for part the reason.

    As for the woman that came round my house, the next time I saw her I was dressed nicely and styled my hair and makeup, I’d already been out that day and people did acknowledge me without looking past because I felt that within my apperance that I’d done the most to dress feminine and not because I’ve read from this site that I’m suppose to be feminine but because I wanted to put a nice dress on ect.

    Obviously feeling less of a person, I feel a stronger need to dress better and improve myself with my apperance.

    The woman looked suprised as the way I styled myself looked good that day and the reaction I got from others backed it upped.

    As for the woman she looked really under weather as though she hadn’t slept prolapy or something but I was just saying in my mind, HA! I’m so glad she came round my house in that moment.

    As for my sister, I’m fed up with being put down by her and shouted at.

    Truthfully I don’t think she’s all attractive or a completely high value women either as she emasculates men and puts her boyfriend down in a joke way so no, she’s not the be all or end all.

    I believe if anything that I need to work on myself and concern myself less with what others think or not concern myself with their actions and then possibly I’ll feel less empty inside, because I know that feeling through and through.

  • Khang

    Reply Reply August 19, 2013

    This is the most powerful post so far… Grateful to your much dedication, Reneee

  • pary

    Reply Reply July 29, 2013

    Hi Rene.Your post was wonderfull.I learned a lot. thank you so much.
    May God help you through your life:)

  • Lorna Visitacion

    Reply Reply July 14, 2013

    Renee, thank you so much for sending me this article… I love it.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply July 17, 2013

      Lorna, you’re welcome :)

      • steph

        Reply Reply October 11, 2013

        Hi there,
        So if femininity is is what you show to the world through your actions when you no longer feel like you are not enough…Does that mean that masculine men don’t feel they are ever enough??

        • Donna

          Reply Reply November 2, 2013

          Good point, Steph, but what I think Renee might have been going for was the idea that once we stop being scared to express ourselves, and scared of our feelings, our natural feminine energy comes through – and for men, when they stop chasing after things that they think will make them masculine, their natural masculinity comes through. It seems like it’s all about not oretending or relying on external factors to make you more feminine (or masculine, if you’re a man). Anyway, that’s just what I got from the article, I’m sure Renee can give you a fuller answer if I got it wrong :)

  • Lorraine

    Reply Reply May 30, 2013

    Renee:

    Thank you so much for this article. Your website has helped me a great deal in learning how not to be so afraid all the time. It is still a work in progress but I am striving slowly to not be afraid. The worst of what can happen pretty much already did. I am trying very hard to build my life again – being 54 years old I can tell you it has been terrifying . Not being afraid of feeling happiness because it will be taken away from me is something I really need to work on.

    I am doing my best to stay in the present. The past creeps up on me and sends me into alot of sadness so I am striving to keep the past where it belongs.

    Thank you for helping me in trying to move forward and love myself.

    Best
    Lorraine

  • Maya

    Reply Reply May 17, 2013

    Hi Renee
    Thanks for the article. In my experience, I have noticed consistently, that whenever I have been vulnerable with a man, including my father, brother, friend, etc. they simply dismiss my fears as “nothing” act like I am complaining about nothing (which then end up being serious problems such as major health issue requiring hospitalization because it went untreated) , laugh at me, poke fun of me and rarely step up to take care of me. Perhaps I am surrounded by assholes after all, but how am I supposed to believe that men do take care of you when you are vulnerable with them when I have seen nothing to the contrary.
    Maya

  • Larae

    Reply Reply April 18, 2013

    As I read through your articles, I keep asking myself why it has taken so many years to fully understand what now seems like such an obvious and fundamental difference between how men and women process nearly everything! How much easier, and less complicated would my relationships have been if only the world had not been so busy convincing me that not only should men be required to interact in the same way we do, but that embracing our femininity is a sign of weakness. Most of the men with whom I have had long term relationships were not truly men. They should never have turned into long-term anything. More recently, however, I did meet a wonderful man. As many stories go, the first few months were like a dream. He was affectionate, uninhibited, spoke freely about his determination to avoid the same mistakes from past relationships, and spoke in terms of “us” and “us together growing old.” He freely initiated conversation every day, all day..sometimes just to say hi. We both felt blessed to have finally found each other. I felt genuinely loved and appreciated and liked and respected for the first time in my life. That was the biggest shock of all! To suddenly realize that THIS is what it feels like to be loved!

    After 2 months of this dream, he ever so slowly, almost imperceptibly, began to…..change (although I’m not sure that’s the right word). I had already identified the cavernous divide between what I said and what he heard …and vice versa. This made things go badly very very quickly because acknowledgement and understanding are very different. While I struggled to understand how my interpretations of his words and actions were going wrong, they just kept getting worse. One Sunday, after a lovely day spent together, he quite suddenly announced that he didn’t want to spend so much time with me. He had things he needed to do which he had been neglecting. I get that. I am good with that. It makes sense and I almost felt the same way. It was the way in which he went about telling me that really hurt. Since then I have struggled to understand what is happening. Unfortunately, I found your site 3 weeks into this disaster and I’m not at all sure anything can be salvaged. I accept that. Finally. You see, I have spent this time trying to hold on to how it was, rather than let him just be!! I was afraid he was leaving and by golly, I was going to fight to the death!! Seems silly now.

    After reading several articles and blogs, I can see exactly what went wrong and it kills me to know that if I had only had the privilege of this insight a few weeks earlier, things might be very different right now. Thank you for sharing your own experiences and understanding. It has really made a difference in how I am able to handle what is happening. I haven’t given up hope on the repair of my relationship. I have, however, been able to just let it be. I know he loves me. I know that if he wants to call he will. I know that I cannot DO anything to make him want to be with me…..except let him be. If he should find himself missing me enough to call one day, he will find the same girl he fell in love with…minus the need to analyze the details from my woman’s eyes. Seems so simple. Thank you.

  • Neferyuya

    Reply Reply April 8, 2013

    I love your articles and how I can look at my
    days with them in mind.

    Something really special happened and I gave
    the man distance because I was dumbfounded over some thing.

    I decided to allow my femininity to show in an area
    where I usually am very on target and in charge…
    So, instead of avoiding him or the obvious conversation
    about something that was actually really special
    that left me speechless ….and then having an awkward
    moment that could spell disaster…
    I decided to tell him how stupid I felt LOL
    and everything’s fine…nothing big.
    I was telling the truth about how I felt.
    I had no answer.

    that’s really good – you don’t know how good that is.

    …relief on so many levels.

  • Catherine

    Reply Reply March 18, 2013

    Thank you :) this is beautiful! For women who use food as the fill… check out this book. It is so in line with Renee’s philosophy! Women Food God is the name of the book. Renee you are so inspiring!

  • ELENI GIDARI

    Reply Reply March 8, 2013

    It was a magnificent article. Thank you for sharing it with us!!!

  • Marie

    Reply Reply March 5, 2013

    Thank you so much for sharing this Lori. Some of the things you said I knew intuitively but I didn’t listen to myself because I thought I had to always be in control. Now I know its ok to feel what I’m feeling, I’ve wanted to connect with my feminine self for some time now but had no clue what that meant and it seemed like some big secret. I expect the universe will shower with many gifts for sharing this so freely!

  • JP

    Reply Reply February 8, 2013

    It’s been a while since I posted, but I just read this article and I can relate to it perfectly! I had a similar realization and had a “break through” a few months ago, I couldn’t figure out why I was so sensitive and touchy all the time… little things would just hurt/anger me on a regular basis. I knew there was something more to it, so I kept digging, digging deep. I made a short list of about 4 or 5 major things that were still causing me pain… I hashed through each one and felt everything that it made me feel. I cried my eyes out…. hysterically. It felt like I was dying. But after, I felt amazing. I felt a heavy weight lift right off me… total relief. I can deal with things much better now, I feel stronger. I still have times when I get sensitive about stuff, but no where near what I was. Actually I think it’s about time for another crying & healing session. I need to learn how to feel and process everything as it comes, I’m still in the habit of stuffing it down & letting it build up a bit. But at least now I know the remedy. Thank you so much for your post, it adds a lot of insight. I cannot even tell you how good it feels to know that someone else understands. You are great Renee! :)

  • Mercy

    Reply Reply January 29, 2013

    Renee u are indeed doing a great job. God bless u

  • Amanda

    Reply Reply January 29, 2013

    Hi Renee!

    I am truly touched by this beautiful piece. Thanks for being so raw and so real. I’ve noticed just a few weeks ago the shift from needing reminding that I am beautiful enough or loved enough from others to trusting it so deeply in my heart and core. Your program Commitment Control really opened my eyes and heart ;-)

    However, I notice my man still really struggles with this. He does not feel like he is enough. And he does not feel like he is enough for me. How would you deal with this situation?

    I see the impact it is having on our relationship. It makes him feel frustrated and withdraw. I don’t want to coach him just love him and make it clear that he is enough and certainly he is enough for me (otherwise I wouldn’t have fallen in love with him).

    Looking forward and thanks for being such a source of wisdom and inspiration to women!

    • Lori

      Reply Reply March 1, 2013

      Hi,

      Men have a need to feel significant and needed. If they feel they don’t DO a lot in the relationship, in terms of making enough money, giving you enough time, enough pleasure in bed, etc, then they will feel like they’re not enough in all areas of their life (and not just in your relationship). To help with this, you can help him feel more manly by not doing more things for him than he does for you. Ask him to do things for you, such as take out the trash, open a jar, etc. etc. And make sure you express genuine appreciation with a smile and kiss every single time he does something, even small things. Just telling him he is enough is not what he wants to hear, because in his mind he knows you are just trying to make him happy. But masculine men want to be the one’s who make US happy, that is what makes THEM happy. So ignore the temptation to go out of your way to DO something or SAY something to make him happy when he is feeling this way. Just show you NEED him.

      • Anna C

        Reply Reply March 1, 2013

        All true. It may seem illogical at first, but this is really how a man’s brain works. Make him feel like a man, (open the jar for you) and he’ll feel whole. And he’ll have more to give you. We as women want to give more when our man feels not enough… but its actually the opposite – let him do more, and he’ll feel like the hero, and useful.

      • Elizabeth J

        Reply Reply March 6, 2013

        Hi, this article is just perfect! Thanks for sharing it and working so hard to write it. I think most of us can relate. It’s difficult sometimes to put our want for control aside… I know I find it tremendously had to let myself feel when Im in front of my husband… But by myself Sometimes I let myself feel everything… Though I am known to use food as a way of avoiding feeling… And I realize this, it’s been something Im working on. I’ve bookmarked this article and plan to read it again, especially when Im feeling down.

        I do have another question, I was going to ask it elsewhere where the subject might be more relevant but since it came up in the previous comment, thought I might as well. On the subject of neediness, how does one find that balance of letting your man know you need him and letting him take care of you while at the same time being confident and not appearing needy? That’s something else Ive been struggling with.

        Thanks again for all your work and the love and knowledge that you share Renee!!
        Elizabeth

  • Jona

    Reply Reply January 22, 2013

    Hi Renee, I thought I’d comment to express myself. This is EXACTLY what I want to hear tonight. This past couple of nights I’ve been tossing and turning and waking up in the middle of the night with the feeling of inadequacy/emptiness and loneliness. I used to get those emotions a lot back in high school, I used to get worked up but I thought I’d shrugged it off maybe I was going through puberty stage. But now I am 24yo and tonight I feel so much like the insecure teenager I once were. I have always been wanting to keep in touch with my feminine side- yes, a couple of years ago, I would have been found guilty of doing what most women do to suppress or control those feelings, I’d put my best face on covered in make up and I’d dressed to the hilt. Now I am wiser, I know enough to not try control to my situation, because it’s not helping me gain my authentic power, it only amplifies how I feel. I never really fully understand where those emotions come from. I mean I know what triggers it or when. But I don’t understand why it’s there when it’s there. I’m much more kinder to myself now, I listen and try to use my intuition to gain insight about this mysterious femininity. though sometimes still get agitated or infuriated from others like I blame them from feeling these strong emotions. I’ve lived for most of my entire life trying to imitate the masculine figures that I lose myself in the process. I guess this has been the reason why I’ve tossing and turning these past couple of nights, I feel empty inside. no one or nothing can help me fix it only way is to allow myself to feel it. It is a scary process. but to find and connect with my feminine energy will be a great reward and then I can show the world that I am a strong feminine self. Because what the world needs more of are women who are truly embracing their femininity( the good side and the bad.). Thanks for helping me tonight. xoxo

  • Sally

    Reply Reply January 18, 2013

    Thank-you! I don’t know how many times I must say that….
    I now understand the truth.
    I want to be connected to my feminine energy…

    Thank-you

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply January 18, 2013

      You’re very welcome Sally :)

  • SHABNAM

    Reply Reply January 13, 2013

    so useful , thanks a lot xxx

  • Emma

    Reply Reply January 6, 2013

    This article made so much sense to me. Everything you said struck a cord with me. But, whilst your instructions are clear and simple I honestly don’t have the first clue how to actually put them into action? I guess I’ve lived for so long, not being good enough it feels alien to me that it’s possible to live any other way. Thank you for making me ‘think’ . X

  • mary

    Reply Reply December 27, 2012

    Good stuff. Thanks!

  • Cheyenne

    Reply Reply November 22, 2012

    Hello Renee,
    When I read this, I couldn’t help but feel as if someone had taken my life and called it their own. Everything you described, from feeling not good enough, to trying to prove myself, wearing a mask… EVERYTHING fit me to a T. This is what I’ve been looking for.

    I’ve had friends telling me that I need to be more feminine, male and female.
    I’m a seventeen year old girl who’s focus in school is on automotive technology, so naturally, I’m surrounded by a bunch of teenage guys a lot. Before that my focus was on a career in the health care field (obviously a big change). Looking at it now, I didn’t realize how much I had changed to try and “keep up with the guys” and how I’ve built up even MORE walls to protect myself from being hurt, from being left behind, and being looked down on, simply because I’m out of place in the shop because of my gender and lack of experience compared to my class mates. I’ve found myself saying more and more that I wish I could just stop FEELING. That I could be WORTH it. That I could stop being so WRONG and that I could do something RIGHT for once and maybe I’d feel like someone loved me.

    Last night, I was talking with my best friend. He’s a guy and just so happens to be someone I have fallen head over heels for. He doesn’t know this but we’ve talked and he’s made it clear that I’m not attractive. But the fact that he’s the person I’m closest to and who knows me the best, makes what he has to say very important to me and I take it to heart (but also makes it hurt more.) But until yesterday he had never said I wasn’t feminine. He told me I acted like a guy, which I didn’t understand. The way i saw it, he was just agreeing with my girl friends who kept telling me i need to be a damsel in distress or show off my boobs to get attention (as ive never in my life so much as been hit on, let alone seen as more datable than a lamp.) i thought they all meant i needed to stop being who i am. I already felt like I was giving a lot of myself.

    Until I read this.
    And he’s right. I NEVER think with my heart. It’s always my head. I’m rigid, I swear, I try to compete with them. And I’ve been trying to get love, just as you said. Trying to EARN it. It’s not that I have to be someone else. It’s that I haven BEEN myself. I’ve been trying not to feel, trying not to appear vulnerable. Saying I don’t need anything, being too independent, being so afraid of my own feelings that I can’t even admit when I’m upset over something or when something makes me angry. And in doing this, I’ve become one of the guys and put myself in a rut.

    Your article is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Not my friends saying I need to dress a certain way or need rescuing or that I’d be a “crazy single cat lady” my whole life. I know my best friend could never in a million years have told me this, because he is not a woman of course, but I know this is what he was getting at. That im not in touch with who i am underneath that facade i put out there to try and be someone im not in hopes of impressing someone. And this is what I needed to realize. That I have to learn to love myself and not be so trapped in my own head and feel like I need to keep up with the boys to be someone. That I should listen to my heart and not be afraid to cry, or scream or be angry when that’s what I feel. I don’t have to defy the stereotype and be a girl who controls herself at all times. It’s ok to just be ME.

    Thank you so much for this insight, I can’t express how much I realized I was hiding until I saw this.
    I know it’s not going to be easy peeling back the layers I’ve formed to protect myself over the years, but this gives me a strong place to start. I think I may go and dance now. That seems like a good start to the day, and one I can jump from. Perhaps given time I can catch my best friend’s eye.

    But thank you again, your words have helped me greatly,
    Cheyenne (Chevy)

  • Nana

    Reply Reply November 11, 2012

    I have NEVER EVER read something so revolutionary. So revolutionary and so obvious! I lack of vocabulary (English is not my native language).
    It’s just like you’ve found the KEY. Like you pointed out the ESSENCE of our universal sadness/melancholia/emptiness/first fear : the feeling that we’re not enough. No matter if you had a horrible or happy childhood, you feel it even if you can’t really identify it as it wear so many masks. Except if you had incredible aware parents that taught and injected you this genuine self-confidence feeling, which is very rare.
    Once you feel at your core that you’re where you were supposed to be, you’re the one you’re supposed to be and that trying to achieve things to try to prove it to yourself is just a waste of time, once you feel your EXISTENCE is enough, my god, you got everything !!
    It’s particularly hard to feel it in our western society where you must HAVE, rather than BE and you have to achieve to prove you’re worthy. Because it’s the exact opposite way to find happiness. But we are in a world where we just want to sell you things. Everything is oriented toward this goal. So you better be not happy to buy them, you better feel you always miss something to buy them! So it’s logical we got these values of “to get and to achieve to be someone” injected deep in our brains.
    Well Renee, despite I don’t feel this great feeling you’re talking about yet, I feel that you gave me the essential key and if I work on finding the door now (which is in my soul), my life will change for the best ! I really think you wrote the best article ever Renee, I really think this article is a GIFT TO HUMANITY and wish anyone could read it ! Because when you really think about it, you see that all the bad behaviors, very serious or not, are all symptoms of this “not enough” feeling. We are all trying over and over to prove ourselves we worth something whilst feeling the exact opposite! So we are all running after chimeras. We all miss ourselves and miracle of life. And worst is we feel it in same time, that we’re not ourselves at our bests and that we don’t enjoy the life as it’s best and we feel even more frustration and self-disgust as we don’t know what do to against, we’re completely lost!
    THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU RENEE!

  • adriana erni

    Reply Reply November 10, 2012

    Oh my gosh…this is what I was looking for but could not quite get it…I am so thankful for your article and the action steps…

  • tahera

    Reply Reply October 22, 2012

    I have read so many self help / self motivational books…but this article struck a cord at the very heart of it.
    I cried, which I dont easily do ///Thank you & God bless

  • claudette lohr

    Reply Reply October 8, 2012

    I cant believe this great information is actually on the internet and I read it. Im blessed beyond measure.

  • Kira

    Reply Reply August 7, 2012

    Thank you, Renee. I really needed this. I’m so happy that you’ve become the person you are today. You’re blogs always make me feel better.

  • Elizabeth

    Reply Reply May 19, 2012

    Hi Renee :) :)
    First of all I would like to say THANK YOU for being such a beautiful caring person , your advice has helped me LOADS in my life and relationships because it’s so authentic and real…and I totally and completely agree with you on the point that sometimes we need to allow ourselves to FEEL pain in order to move on or else we end up running away from it forever..

    I also have some news I was excited to tell you :D :D You have inspired me to start my own blog about femininity and to share my thoughts with the world so I would truly appreciate it if you check it out and tell me what you think.. It would really mean so much to me and I truly feel your opinion is important to me .. if you would like plz reply and I will send you the link [ I do not want to spam your comments}
    Lots of love <3 <3

    • Renee

      Reply Reply May 19, 2012

      Elizabeth, hi! Thanks for starting your blog! And congratulations on starting something; on spreading a message. People can click to your blog through the URL in your name above.

      You’re also welcome to leave another comment linking to it just don’t be a spammer. I hate me some spammers :)

      Take good care.
      - Renee.
      xoxox

      • Elizabeth

        Reply Reply May 21, 2012

        oh.. I did not know that my name would link to my blog.. how silly of me *blushes* :D :D

        Thank you so much for your support Renee I truly appreciate it :D I hope you liked my blog..
        You just made my day!!!
        wishing you the best always <3 <3
        xoxoxo

        • JC

          Reply Reply September 16, 2012

          The link says ‘blog removed’?

  • Sara

    Reply Reply May 18, 2012

    Thank you so much for an eyeopening and inspiring post! I have always felt that I am not enough, and spent years avoiding men and relationship because I always felt I have to be good enough first. Crazy. And all the complications this overcompensation has led to….needless to say. I hope I dare follow your advice ;-) just being me feels really scary, but staying on this path is very tiring too. every day has the potential to grow and practice more :-)

    • Renee

      Reply Reply May 19, 2012

      Hey Sara :) thanks for reading! Isn’t it funny how being ourselves can be so scary, when that’s what we were born to be! It’s tiring at first, I agree.

      Only, it gets easier, what was once hard becomes easy soon enough – only, we often just keep seeing what’s hard, seeing the challenges, and it feels like we aren’t making any progress at all, which is untrue. Take care.
      xoxox

  • mandi

    Reply Reply May 2, 2012

    A recommendation to follow Renees blog has been a godsend. Since I started reading her material, I dropped 5% of my weight in a month, got a new job, and found a man that really does meet all of my needs. That’s 3 months! So much of it is based on giving and recieving love. I stopped trusting the psychiatrist and the astrology charts and started listening to my instincts. I became less afraid to make a mistake and blaming myself for what happens. Thank you Renee!

  • Reesa

    Reply Reply May 1, 2012

    This post is SOO AMAZING, thank you SO MUCH!!!!!!!!! <3

  • Jenny

    Reply Reply April 8, 2012

    OMG-BEST post I’ve read on your site (and I love them all). Great work Renee!!!!
    Hugs and Kisses
    Jenny <3

  • Ayo

    Reply Reply March 11, 2012

    Hi Renee

    I really enjoyed this. One of the things that helps me is understanding the psychology of color. Knowing what colors mean helps me to get in tune with how I feel. If I’m feeling creative, I grab for something green. If I’m feeling confident, I grab for something red. If I’m feeling spiritual, intuitive, I grab purple. Working from this approach allows me to ascertain how I’m feeling. If i’m feeling a little off color, a little sad, unmotivated, bored, lonely, I tend to grab pink as it has an energizing effect and puts me in a feel good mood. What also helps is fabrics. I like to increase my feel good factor, by focusing on fabrics that…feel good i.e, cashmere, silks, silk and cotton blends, angoras, etc. I feel its more than just getting dressed, but being even more in tune with the subtle messages of everything around us. When my clothes fit like they belong to me, I feel in alignment, congruent, at peace. When my clothes feel too big or too small, I feel off center, self-conscious, off-kilter. How I feel and paying attention to it allows me to consciously choose how I will EXPRESS myself that day.

  • April

    Reply Reply March 6, 2012

    Wow! I mean wow! I think this is the article that all of us have been needing to hear. Not just hear, but understand. This is really the epitome of what I needed to understand. Through my life even growing up it was always about ” being enough” in my mind, because of things that were said to me while being young, and just because everyone wants to fit in. And since I’ve grown up it isn’t as ‘out of hand’ when I was a young, however, it still plagues me like everyone else. But reading this has given me so much encouragement, and really has shown me how to be free so I can just “live” my life. It’s true, whenever you let yourself feel that fear you have, you can find that happiness your looking for because you’re accepting the natural, God-given emotions we have. After emptying all those negative things, all you have left to do is look at the positive and realize, “Hey, I am all those great things, I just never noticed because I focused on all the bad things, instead of letting it all out.” I think the most moving thing I discovered through this article is “these feelings are natural, and is something that shouldn’t be ignored or rejected, but dealt with”.
    You’re definitely right when you say we live in a masculine world. It has taught women to be something we aren’t and has caused us to experience so much pain. I always thought it was bad to feel the emotions you have, and that you need to achieve so much to not feel that anymore. (And my core screams “feminine”! So I definitely would “let it out” when no one was looking.) However, I always thought that it was something I should ignore. But I am so thankful to hear that it is part of life and when I empty it out by dealing with it, it will only just help me move on, grow, and be happy. It is nice not worrying about what other people think and just being happy with yourself. Thank you so much for your article. It truly blessed me in so many ways.
    P.S. I do dance crazy around my house alot to music that makes the day brighter, just because I can’t help it! (I really can’t dance) ^_^

  • Paulina

    Reply Reply March 5, 2012

    Thank You renee :D …this article reminding me again, to think n learn Meaning of “what is Feminity and How to Be Feminity”. very agree with all your writing in this article..and you know what, this 3 month I took dance class :D Thank you again! I really enjoy this article.

  • Katerina

    Reply Reply March 4, 2012

    Hey! I’m a woman who spends most if the day making the house and myself pretty. I also cook 3 times a day, pre school my son, and study for my pharmacist license. It’s not always unfullfilling, especially when that’s what you wanted even as a child. I’m only doing the pharmacist thing for financial stability and benefits for when I have my next child.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply March 4, 2012

      Yes, I think there are many women in the world who would like to be in your position.

      Boring and unfulfilled is a natural human state…..every time we get to a point where we think life is perfect…it doesn’t last. And we want something deeper.

      That is a good thing. No matter what we do…whether that’s being the CEO of a big company or stay home with the kids and be an amazing homemaker…both will feel good for a while, and then we get satiated and familiar with it. This is the human condition.

      What a great gift, I think!

      Because it’s a sign we need to grow to the next level of what is even more fulfilling…..then the cycle repeats itself.

  • teri

    Reply Reply March 4, 2012

    Hello – these past few months have done much reading on the subject of femininity. My one concern, however, is how does one ‘feel their feelings’ at any time, say, at work? I mean, yes, I suppose one could ‘feel’ them or atleast notice/acknowledge them but we do have to kind of stuff them up inside, don’t we? Or put on the picture of outward control. We can’t show that kind of vulnerability in a professional setting which is how many of us spend much of our time. So does one turn it off at work and suddenly switch gears and become authentic and vulnerable once at home? This is easier said than done and perhaps it is the condition of modern women, most of whom work at least some of the time, that has caused a shift to taking on more masculine attributes. It seems to be simply about survival in a fast-paced, demanding world.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply March 4, 2012

      Hey Teri, thanks for asking a great question.

      Yes, women these days have much more masculine energy than they used to. This is part of how we have evolved now….women didn’t want to just stay at home and make the place pretty and look pretty for the husband when he comes home (how boring and unfulfilling), so now….women are much more balanced, and have more balanced out masculine and feminine energies.

      Some women however, are at the extreme of the masculine energy that they put out – and this is not a bad thing, only it is, when it is not truly who she is, and she’s doing it because somewhere inside she feels she has to in order to get love.

      To answer your question – with most jobs, you can’t stop and feel your feelings. Unless you deliberately make time and be by yourself during a lunch break.

      At work, you will mostly be in your masculine energy; it’s necessary to get through. You can’t be in your feminine and get by at work all the time. With most jobs anyway.

      Yes, the alternative is to switch off the intense masculine energy when you return home. Or perhaps reduce the number of work days and hours (if you want to, and if it is possible).

      Since switching gears and becoming more authentic and vulnerable at home seems so much easier said than done, I believe it’s helpful to ask yourself why. Why is it so difficult? What are you holding on to? What does continuing being in your masculine really give you? Maybe a feeling of being in control? Maybe a feeling of being worthy?

      Maybe it’s just too scary to go from feeling masculine (which I acknowledge can feel very powerful, and I enjoy being in the masculine myself, too) – to going to feeling feminine? Because, see, the feminine energy isn’t certain. And this lack of certainty can be scary and seem like it’s not worth the rewards. Especially if you’re a woman who likes to get s*** done.

      Either way, it is a journey. At least, if you start letting yourself switch when you come home to your true nature, you’ll be making progress, which will make you feel good.

  • Asma

    Reply Reply March 4, 2012

    Thank you, Renee! This has been a question I have been asking for a long time to various people. What IS feminine energy exactly? It cannot be as simplistic as saying feminine is ALWAYS recieving and masculine is ALWAYS giving therefore if you nurture that makes you masculine in the relationship, so the man has to always give. But that is what seems to be taught. Now I got my answer. Thanks again!

    • Renee

      Reply Reply March 4, 2012

      Hi Asma, it’s so nice to hear from you, I haven’t heard from you in ages! Are you well? Yeah, I remember we had this conversation.

      I understand why people, and other relationship coaches say that feminine energy is about receiving…BUT this is not true. And it’s limiting. This isn’t to say that feminine energy is about giving either.

      It depends on how you define giving. If you are receiving a gift, you can still be giving by fully receiving their gift, acknowledging that person going out of their way to look for a present for you (without saying: “oh you shouldn’t have done that!” etc because that just doesn’t acknowledge their gift).

      At the end of the day, when a woman stops pretending….and stops doing things just to get more love or approval or acknowledgement, she will start to be free and express more of her true feminine self. And if her core is more masculine, that’s what will show up.

      • Asma

        Reply Reply March 6, 2012

        Renee you are lovely. Thank you for askin how I have been. I have been quite well with lots of exciting transitions happening in my life. :) Thank you also for the response, your study and explanation of the two masculine and feminine energies is very informative, light shedding and puts lots of sense on the whole thing. It is also liberating because it focuses on how to be rather than a whole bunch of dumb rules in order to appear a certain way.

  • Chris Crowe

    Reply Reply March 4, 2012

    Great article Renee, I, honour your truth and open raw self in giving ur message. This is a must read article (gift) for all women. Thanks for sharing Chris

  • Alchemista

    Reply Reply March 4, 2012

    Thank you Renee for this article! I wonder though how long can one be inphase selling the emtiness phase? I pull back and give myself space when my empty and needy self shows up in my relationship but can’t seem to get out of the cycle. Seems like I’ve developed a habit of giving until I run empty and then pulling back.

  • Cara

    Reply Reply March 3, 2012

    Thank you. Again. This was perfectly timed for me, as well. My boyfriend and I have been having a lot of fights as a result of us both being depressed for a period of time and then feeling the need to grab onto each other because of it. Every time I would try to tell him my feelings an argument would start and I no longer felt safe to talk with him about things. For the past week I’ve been shoving down all of my emotions regarding the arguments and I realize now, that’s not the right thing to do! (Too bad I’ve been doing it all my life. That’s a bad habit that I’ve got to reverse.) I had a good long semi-hysterical cry, and I feel really good (if tired). I think I might go have a dance, now. Thank you again!

    • Renee

      Reply Reply March 3, 2012

      Thanks Cara, you made me smile :)

  • Denise

    Reply Reply March 3, 2012

    This was so PERFECT. Thank you Renee for writing this! I’ve been struggling with my fears of telling my boyfriend how I really feel–how much I care for him, how deeply I am in love with him (and have been, so soon after I met him, even though we’ve barely dated 3 months!), how connected I feel to him……his love language lies not so much in words, but in acts of service, and quality time, and affection, and so I’ve been trying to *SHOW* him how I feel, so that I wouldn’t have to tell him how I feel and risk rejection…..I’ve been hoping he would tell me he loved me first, so that I wouldn’t have to take any risk, and so that it would be “safe” for me to tell him that I love him……and every time I tried to imagine telling him, I would just CRY, the fear was so palpable, and profound, and visceral, real, and terrifying. I’ve been coming closer to sorting out all the fears so that I can begin to imagine telling him how I really feel, but this was what I really needed to hear to keep myself from continually holding back. I am looking forward to seeing him again tomorrow after not seeing him (briefly) since Thursday night while he’s been out of town, and hoping that I will have the courage to speak my heart to him. I am terrified, but excited as well. Who knows? Maybe he is just as afraid as I am, and will be so grateful to ME for breaking the silence so that he can tell ME how he really feels about me, too?

    This was really profound and eye-opening. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.

  • Denise

    Reply Reply March 3, 2012

    Renee, Thank you. Lovely and profound writing! I really enjoyed reading it!

  • Kendra

    Reply Reply March 3, 2012

    Enjoyed this article immensely. I’ve felt this emptiness for years and never knew why. And as I said before, I’m not one to express my emotions. I would either stuff them down or deny them. For example, I hardly cry. I feel like crying, but I never do it. Rather, I just suppress the tears and push onward. And I don’t always see anything wrong with that. It’s what has to be done sometimes. But I did this all the time even when the moment was right. Even when I knew intuitively that it would help me get over everything at that moment. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t good enough or worthy as I am. And it didn’t help that there seemed to be at least 1-2 people in my life that never failed to tell me how they didn’t like me, how someone else made a better girlfriend/wife or friend, that I didn’t belong, and that I wasn’t wanted around. It made me feel like straight crap. Over time I grew depressed and my self-esteem was plowed to the ground. At one point the pain got to me so bad and I attempted suicide. I remember how this affected my relationships. I was needy, desperate, jealous, and even demanding. I wanted their attention all the time and threw a fit when I didn’t get it. My grades suffered in college because all I wanted to do was get their love and approval when I should’ve focused on giving that to myself and completing my goals. I was becoming someone I didn’t recognize. This was not me at all. I knew I was changing because my rhythm was off and it wasn’t consistent. It felt weird. I’m at the point where I can no longer stuff or push away my feelings. My body won’t let me do it anymore. I’d feel this pressing in my chest and throat, and I become hyper because it’s so unbearable especially when it’s a strong emotion I’m feeling.

    I think women do this to themselves because they’re always told that it’s wrong to have emotions or to express yourself because it shows weakness. People disapprove of things like that. At one point I believed that but look where that belief’s gotten me haha?! I’m definitely gonna give these steps a try!

    Thanks a bunch Renee! xoxo

    • Renee

      Reply Reply March 3, 2012

      Hi Kendra,

      I know the pressing feeling in your chest, I’ve had it in my past when I also went through stage of refusing to cry. Actually, crying used to seem like the most useless thing. And…I agree with you, many parts of our society don’t place much value on emotionality of any sort. And it’s no wonder sometimes women are labelled crazy nut cases, when a lot of the times, it’s just all bursting out after years of keeping it down.

  • Katerina

    Reply Reply March 3, 2012

    I really needed this. I’ve been feeling very neglected and taken for granted recently and it’s been a tough road. I end up in the same argumentative loop with my husband and it’s been hell on my motivation to get anything done. And now it’s making me sick. So thank you so much! This is exactly what I need.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply March 3, 2012

      Hi Katerina,
      Thank You for sharing. I’ve discovered that the argumentative loop – or any pattern at all, can be changed if we change the meaning we place on an event, or something somebody did, etc.

      I know what you mean though, once you’re ‘in it’, it’s hard to get up and get out. But it’s always worth it!

  • Amit

    Reply Reply March 3, 2012

    Yes, I am back and a man and not a women. I think it is interesting to read your blog and many other resources on the internet.

    From my point of view I would agree with most of it, as if I stumbled upon a women who had no fear of being hurt and simply GAVE…and kept GIVING. It would certainly encourage me to give too, and ensure she stayed happy because she would be more unselfish, judging and a lot of things women are today.

    And it is true, todays women are so masculine that I don’t see any point in dating them. I don’t want a masculine women, it’s like being gay without being gay which is fine if some are gay but that is besides the point.

    And good call with adding little bit for men too:

    “If a man stops focusing on what he has to do to be ‘enough’, to be the strongest, fastest, funniest, richest, biggest, most successful, and maybe have the biggest penis, and instead knew he was enough already, then his true masculine essence would show up. Because he is being more of HIMSELF.

    There’s nothing worse than being with a man who thinks he has to keep trying to prove himself to women, no? How can he be your man if he keeps thinking he needs to do this and that to get your acceptance?”

    I don’t think about any of these things but I do willingly improve every aspect of myself, physically, spiritually, sexually, intellectually, family life, social life, dancing skills, cooking skills and so on. Anything that makes me more efficient, better, independent or a resource for those in my life.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply March 3, 2012

      Hi Amit.

      I agree, there’s nothing wrong with being better. Progress is what makes us happy, as Anthony Robbins would say.

      I am saying that, there is a big difference between taking an action because you are trying to GET more approval from someone is not a good place to come from. Doing it from a place of enjoyment and personal expression, though, is another thing. Doing it from a place where you benefit, and everyone around you benefits is another thing.

      Having said that, all of us will have a pattern of trying to get more love from others, that is natural. We shouldn’t make that wrong. But when it’s done all the time, and we keep doing it, it’s really destructive!

      Renee.

      P.S – “progress” and becoming “better” in the form of becoming more of ourselves and stripping away the masks…that’s certainly a fulfilling achievement I’d say!

  • Denise

    Reply Reply March 3, 2012

    Thank you Renee for this perfectly timed article. It’s just what I needed to read right now as I am esperiencing that feeling of emptiness and know I have a tendency to push or stuff down my true feelings. A few tears have just been shed.

    It’s funny you talk about dancing. It’s one thing I have started to do more of, sometimes with clothes on, sometimes off, but it really does feel good and I will start to make it a daily habit.

    Like Jess, I am going to come back to read this again. It’s a must!

  • M

    Reply Reply March 3, 2012

    Speechless…thank you for sharing Renee. I…wow, Everytime this conversation comes up with my girlfriends, been happening a lot recently, I’m directing them to this page. God bless and keep FEELING our femininity x

    • Renee

      Reply Reply March 3, 2012

      Thanks a lot M. And thanks for showing your girlfriends. I hope it will also help answer the question for them. xox

  • Gayna

    Reply Reply March 3, 2012

    WOW!!! Thanks Renee, a brilliant piece. I certainly am going to do all three steps – going downstairs to have a dance now!! Thanks again :) <3

  • Jess

    Reply Reply March 2, 2012

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! This was just what I needed tonight, as I was feeling that empty feeling you spoke of. I am about to read it again and just had to say thank you.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply March 2, 2012

      You’re welcome Jess, and Thank You for reading! :)

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