Have You "TRIED" Everything?
I hate it when I get an email from a woman asking for my opinion on her dating or relationship problem and she says ”I’ve already tried so hard to make it WORK” or I reply to an with a suggestion, and she returns my email with “Yeahhhh I’ve already tried that!”.
I hate when people say that!
Why?
Because it’s what I used to say. Apparently, I thought that “trying” to practice compassion for a night with my man until I reached “the end of my rope” meant its value as a method or its value as advice had worn out. Not so.
Now I look back and think: I TRIED compassion? the very thought is laughable. And I’ll explain why…
The words “I’ve already tried that” mean one or all of the following:
1) “I don’t really want to make the change/”I don’t really want to do it”. I want the other person to “go first”.
2) I want to justify why I should NOT continue putting the effort in.
3) I’m not willing to do whatever it takes to find out what the advice, method or suggestion really means. (I’ll just take it as I mean, Thank You. I’ll assume, maybe, that compassion just means forcing myself to “TRY” to understand someone for a night. Meanwhile, I’ll be rolling my eyes and thinking my man should shut up and listen to me and give me what I want).
Here is what I learned:
Don’t lie to yourself.
There is no try.
There is only do.
And do means giving 110%. The majority of the population live in the “try” part of everything that is important in their lives; and that’s why they don’t have as great a quality of relationship, or as great a job, or as great a quality of life as the people who don’t live in the ‘try’ part. Anything worth it in life takes commitment on your part. And yes, that includes finding your dream man and maintaining a lifelong, passionate relationship.
I think we are only qualified to say I’ve tried EVERYTHING or I’ve tried that when we have not stopped and continued to give it our best EVEN WHEN we thought we had nothing left in life. Even when we are exhausted and feel misunderstood and taken for granted.
Otherwise, the word try is simply a justification for a poor effort.
And justifications don’t JUST come in the form of the word “tried” or “try”. They come in the form of “too tired”. “Too depressed”. “Too manipulated by those around me.” “Too disadvantaged”.
I think a lot of people try to short-cut in relationships, like I used to. They think that doing something for 50 seconds means they should get their desired result (whatever that may be). Truth is, results have to be earned. Not demanded.
And then what happens is we become DESERVING of what we wanted in the first place.
Kind of like this:
So, about 4 years ago, when I realized I was telling myself a bunch of lies and hurting my man and those around me – I DECIDED that I would never use the word try in my vocabulary ever again. I hesitate to say that I’ve been successful, because we all slip up, but I think I might have been pretty close.
Because my love life has never been the same again, and neither has my life in general.
No try.
Only DO.
If you don’t believe me on this “try” thing – I want to know; where are your car keys?
Why?
Because I want you to go and TRY to pick them up, wherever they are. No, I don’t want you to pick them up!! I want you to TRY to pick them up.
And let me know how that goes.
And, if there’s one principal I know works in the long run, in all areas of life, it’s this:
Demand more from yourself than you demand from others. Hoards of women out there are demanding more from men, their friends, their family, than they demand from themselves. This is called “taking”. And nobody likes a taker. Especially in the area of human relationships.
And then, suddenly, you become deserving of all the great things in life. While other people are wondering why you are so “lucky” to have such a great relationship, or so “lucky” to have such a great job, or so “lucky” to have well-behaved children, you know, it has nothing to do with luck. (Lucky is a bit of a loaded word, I think).
And, this is the best gift you can give yourself. To demand more from yourself. It’s makes you passionate. It makes you a “great catch”. it gives you a thing called self respect. A thing called poise. A thing called grace and honor.
Worth DOING for, do you think?
What do you think of this post? Share your experience with us in the comments below. Thanks for reading!
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Tags: i have tried that, relationship frustration, relationship issues, relationship problems, trying hard in your relationship
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Leave A Reply (21 comments so far)
Rachel
526 days ago
Renee,
Very relevant question and I hope that you will respond.
I’m not a girl who lives according to my race, but I’m African American and it’s said that AA women are not attractive to most men. Your advice is GREAT, but how does this apply when a woman belongs to a group who is not really represented as a beauty standard?
Thank you!
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Rachel Reply:
December 20th, 2011 at 11:28 am
I was really hoping to get some insight on this. This is something that a lot of AA women/girls struggle with understanding. The dating/beauty market was not necessarily set up for us, historically, so I’m wondering if these techniques work for everyone.
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Ayo Reply:
December 25th, 2011 at 4:55 pm
I just had a long drawn out conversation about this on Facebook. Women battling with me because I asked, how often do you get approached and asked out on dates. The issue is as an African woman is that I see so many black women not even trying, let alone doing. Overweight, not dressing in quality clothes and fabrics, not wearing any makeup, just going through the motions of life. Simply not put together in a way that is feminine, sexy and alluring. There are several products in today’s market that you can use to beautify yourself. Makeup now comes in a range of colors for black skin from light to very dark. Hair products are available in abundance from relaxed hair to natural kinky curly hair. There are tons of beauty websites to learn how to look good. There are makeup artist and fashion consultants available and at your service. What excuses are we going to continue to give? Black men are craving femininity, sensuality and an allure from us, but for some reason, we resist giving it to them. We think a man should simply be won over by our cooking, a big behind, or a sassy in your face attitude, but we have been taught wrong. The opportunity to look and feel your best from the inside out begins today. No more excuse. No more trying, JUST DO!
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Ayo Reply:
December 25th, 2011 at 4:58 pm
By the way, visit Nigeria, Ghana, South Africa and the notion that African women are not considered a beauty standard is FALSE. The only difference is that African women go to extreme lengths to look sexy and alluring. I noticed this when I went to Nigeria after being away for 23 years. Hair, makeup, dresses, shoes. Most women do not wear pants to the clubs or to a party. They wear dresses. There whole mission is to ATTRACT. I see the OPPOSITE, with black women in the US. They have no desire to ATTRACT. They feel…baggy jeans, T-shirts, and big shirts, no makeup..accept me as I am.
Not going to work.
Rachel Reply:
December 27th, 2011 at 11:12 pm
Ayo,
That argument does not apply to all black women. I see bw who are VERY feminine and beautiful overlooked for others. I certainly am feminine. I come from the pageant world (and have won them) so I no the importance of good presentation. I also have a modeling (NYC) background, so I’m thin and in the professional world, people same I am very well put together.
I don’t say all of that to brag, but I will give you an example.
My place of employment asked me to do a fundraiser which was an auction for a date. I was hesitant because I live somewhere that is not culturally diverse, but I agreed. The company thought that I would be a big seller, which turned out not to be true. Before, there were women of all shapes and sizes (there were some who were very overweight), who received bids. When it was my turn – nothing! I was dress very feminine with a babydoll top, skinny jeans and heels. My hair is black and curly and kempt. The MC was begging people to bid on me and finally my employer bid. These are many example that women provide.
It’s ashamed how you automatically assumed that I (or other bw) are the stereotype, without even considering there may be another reason for why bw seem to be under-represented.
Thanks for your input!
Renee Reply:
December 25th, 2011 at 6:13 pm
Hi Rachel, Not represented as a beauty standard? I disagree. What is not represented as a beauty standard for ANY race, shape or color, is this: low value, bad perception of oneself, trying too hard to please, and taking no pride in one’s appearance.
Looks and appearance are important. Men and women judge upon them.
Trust me, some may think Nicole Kidman is a beauty standard. But just like you as an AA woman, plenty of white women feel they are not the beauty standard because they are not Nicole Kidman, or because they don’t LOOK like Nicole Kidman.
The same is true among white women when it comes to Megan Fox, for example.
Just for the record, I have overheard many men talk about how stunning black women can be. I myself find man black women to be the most feminine, attractive and alluring of any race in the world.
I think black women have a huge advantage if they hold themselves as “I am top stuff” and actively demand more from themselves – physically, mentally and emotionally. Because that would be standing out from the rest.
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Ayo Reply:
December 25th, 2011 at 6:24 pm
Well said Renee and it is what I noticed when I went to Nigeria. I’d never seen women more sexy, feminine and alluring until I went there. Its a shame AA women have bought into the notion they are not attractive or beautiful or sexy and they continue to seek out sources and information to confirms their beliefs.
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Rachel Reply:
December 27th, 2011 at 11:23 pm
Ayo,
Your website is great! Seems very beneficial to helping women achieve their image goals.
Rachel Reply:
December 27th, 2011 at 11:21 pm
Thank you Renee, for your valued input! I know that image is important (I’ve been in image conscious professions all of my career), but my concern is not being equal on the hierarchy. And I personally feel like I have been treated unfairly (with the exception of the auction), but I see how culturally, this could be an issue.
I certainly didn’t want to be controversial, I just wanted a fair and objective opinion. Also, to see if your great techniques truly would work with all types of women.
Keep up your great work!
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Ayo Reply:
December 28th, 2011 at 12:53 am
Hi Rachel
Thank you for the compliment. Please know that when I speak, it is in generalities. I seek no position to offend or hurt anyone. I feel as AA women, we are sexy, smart and beautiful but please understand that this isn’t about physicality actually but about an energetic presence that radiates from the inside out. If you go in with certain beliefs that you won’t be found attractive, sexy, feminine and beautiful, its so easy to project this energy outward that others pick up the vibes. If you go in with a defeatist attitude or the notion, ” you don’t represent the beauty standard,” this will indeed be your experience. Rachel, please don’t seek to be equal on the hierarchy because there is no hierarchy 1) and number 2), strive to be unique on your own right so you are not equal or compared to anyone. When you develop your personal style or personal brand as they call it in the best possible way that feels right and good for you, you will have no competition because you will stand in your own right and in your own light. Love, Ayo
Rachel Reply:
December 28th, 2011 at 1:54 am
Ayo,
Wow! What a profound explanation. This energy thing is proven hard for me to “grasp”. But it does explain why you sometimes see a woman who is “conventionally” attractive getting male attention, while another woman who is stereotypically beautiful, does not. I see that often and was often confused about that.
I guess more bw should sign off of Youtube and ignore all of the “attractiveness” studies and focus more on energy. Admittedly, turning on this energy, initially may be difficult because when you are overlooked, you start to believe it.
I am loving this blog and will apply more techniques. I will also read your website/blog in more detail as it seems very interesting as well.
Thanks for all of your great input!
Blessings,
Rachel
Justin P
529 days ago
I’m totally on board with Renee’s theory, you’ve got to go and do things in order to deserve what you want not get but deserve.
I’ve recently found that loads of men won’t approach a girl in the street, on the tube, in the bookstore because they are too scared to but I go and DO just that and my dating life has increased, I’m also finding the more I DO things the better quality women I attract into life to date.
From what I’ve read in this blog it’s absolutely spot on and telling women the right things to do, although I’m a big believer in women following the mans lead right from saying hello, to arranging, planning and sorting out the dates, women should be freed up to enjoy themselves.
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Cezanne
529 days ago
This is an awesome post. I developed this same philosophy for myself over the years. I never could express it to people the way you have tho. You are a very ‘in touch’ lady and I have enjoyed reading your posts. You have helped me become a more feminine woman and a happier woman and I thank you for that!
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Renee Reply:
December 13th, 2011 at 2:32 pm
Thanks Cezanne! feminine and happy, is there anything better?
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Reem
529 days ago
Love the diagram, I like how confidence is outside the comfort zone
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minoo
529 days ago
Thanks Renne. It was really wonderful. It opened a new insight toward the way of thinking and using words for me.:)
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May
530 days ago
Now thats a post, Renee! I’ve always liked this idea ever since Yoda mentioned it to Luke, a good kick for lazybones like me:)
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Renee Reply:
December 13th, 2011 at 2:34 pm
Thanks May! Just googled Yoda and Luke and now I know what you mean
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Ms Dior
530 days ago
When you gave the example of trying to pick up your car keys, I “tried” to and then I was like “hold up, I can pick them up. Why am I trying”. I hope that was one of your main points. I just had a conversation with a friend of mine and she told me “Girl, if he is who you want, you need to go after him. Call him, text him like you used to, send GM messages and GN messages to let him know you’re still interested” and I said “I tried that” She told me “exactly, you TRIED it, now DO it”. To my avail, it was just this morning, less than an hour ago, but I did; I picked up the phone and called him, I left him a message to let him know I was thinking of him and I will give him a call tonight just to say good night once I get home and settled this evening. IDK what effect it will have but I know I was tired of the wait for him to call first game. It seems as though when you get older, if you don’t make the moves first and go for what you want, you sure will lose. This is just confirmation. Thanks hun.
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Stephanie Van Horn Reply:
December 12th, 2011 at 8:11 am
Wow, I disagree with your reading of what Renee says. Based on what I’m reading from Renee and my own experience, I think he has to go after you to be masculine, and so that you know he really wants you. If you’re running the show, he may go along out of politeness or laziness, but he will, in my experience, be much more likely to go for the woman who is a challenge, and who is not spending her life in pursuit of him. If he knows you and he’s not making the moves, he’s not available. Move on, regardless of your age. I’m over 60, and I’m seeing I’m happiest and get the most masculine attention when I’m busy with my great life and my great friends. If guys are smart enough to run corporations, they are smart enough to call you. Put your energy into yourself and into being out there in a world where you can meet men your age. I play music, take dance and art classes, and network. I don’t sit home by the phone. That has only caused me unhappiness.
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Masaleen Reply:
December 13th, 2011 at 2:45 am
I have to agree with you, Stephanie. I’d love to hear Renee’s view on this, but Ms Dior, it seems you are taking one point in this post and forgetting all of Renee’s other advice, which contradicts your aggressive move. In my experience, when a guy falls in love, he does NOT need to be pushed to contact the girl. In fact, he could have been a guy no one thought “could” fall in love, but when he does, he can talk to that girl on the phone for hours (this is what happened to me♥). I can see how this post could inspire you to “DO” what you wanted to do, which was make a move toward this guy, but in my opinion this particular situation might more wisely have called for more effort to become the kind of irresistible woman that would make HIM want to chase you. And Renee has a LOT of guidance on becoming that kind of woman. And I think Renee’s inspiration for this post was mostly out of frustration toward women who don’t give their all in their current relationships and therefore continue to have problems; although, of course, it is universal advice that can improve all aspects of one’s life.
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