I hate it when I get an email from a woman asking for my opinion on her dating or relationship problem and she says ”I’ve already tried so hard to make it WORK” or I reply to an with a suggestion, and she returns my email with “Yeahhhh I’ve already tried that!”.
I hate when people say that!
Because it’s what I used to say. Apparently, I thought that “trying” to practice compassion for a night with my man until I reached “the end of my rope” meant its value as a method or its value as advice had worn out. Not so.
Now I look back and think: I TRIED compassion? the very thought is laughable. And I’ll explain why…
The words “I’ve already tried that” mean one or all of the following:
1) “I don’t really want to make the change/”I don’t really want to do it”. I want the other person to “go first”.
2) I want to justify why I should NOT continue putting the effort in.
3) I’m not willing to do whatever it takes to find out what the advice, method or suggestion really means. (I’ll just take it as I mean, Thank You. I’ll assume, maybe, that compassion just means forcing myself to “TRY” to understand someone for a night. Meanwhile, I’ll be rolling my eyes and thinking my man should shut up and listen to me and give me what I want).
Here is what I learned:
Don’t lie to yourself.
There is no try.
There is only do.
And do means giving 110%. The majority of the population live in the “try” part of everything that is important in their lives; and that’s why they don’t have as great a quality of relationship, or as great a job, or as great a quality of life as the people who don’t live in the ‘try’ part. Anything worth it in life takes commitment on your part. And yes, that includes finding your dream man and maintaining a lifelong, passionate relationship.
I think we are only qualified to say I’ve tried EVERYTHING or I’ve tried that when we have not stopped and continued to give it our best EVEN WHEN we thought we had nothing left in life. Even when we are exhausted and feel misunderstood and taken for granted.
Otherwise, the word try is simply a justification for a poor effort.
And justifications don’t JUST come in the form of the word “tried” or “try”. They come in the form of “too tired”. “Too depressed”. “Too manipulated by those around me.” “Too disadvantaged”.
I think a lot of people try to short-cut in relationships, like I used to. They think that doing something for 50 seconds means they should get their desired result (whatever that may be). Truth is, results have to be earned. Not demanded.
And then what happens is we become DESERVING of what we wanted in the first place.
Kind of like this:
So, about 4 years ago, when I realized I was telling myself a bunch of lies and hurting my man and those around me – I DECIDED that I would never use the word try in my vocabulary ever again. I hesitate to say that I’ve been successful, because we all slip up, but I think I might have been pretty close.
Because my love life has never been the same again, and neither has my life in general.
If you don’t believe me on this “try” thing – I want to know; where are your car keys?
Because I want you to go and TRY to pick them up, wherever they are. No, I don’t want you to pick them up!! I want you to TRY to pick them up.
And let me know how that goes.
And, if there’s one principal I know works in the long run, in all areas of life, it’s this:
Demand more from yourself than you demand from others. Hoards of women out there are demanding more from men, their friends, their family, than they demand from themselves. This is called “taking”. And nobody likes a taker. Especially in the area of human relationships.
And then, suddenly, you become deserving of all the great things in life. While other people are wondering why you are so “lucky” to have such a great relationship, or so “lucky” to have such a great job, or so “lucky” to have well-behaved children, you know, it has nothing to do with luck. (Lucky is a bit of a loaded word, I think).
And, this is the best gift you can give yourself. To demand more from yourself. It’s makes you passionate. It makes you a “great catch”. it gives you a thing called self respect. A thing called poise. A thing called grace and honor.
Worth DOING for, do you think?
What do you think of this post? Share your experience with us in the comments below. Thanks for reading!