Comments on: Why Men Pull Away and How to Deal with it

By: idealistic

idealistic — Tue, 21 May 2013 18:08:43 +0000

this makes a lot of sense, woman we sometimes feel man cant understand us and viceversa, that love should be stronger, you can love someone and for us is hard when after being so close, guys can completely pull away and dissapear even if they do love you. It happened to me, many factors tho, different countries, personalities, but we felt like the oppoites attract were true for us. He was the sweetest man ever, but he wasnt used to be like that, he was normally quiet not affeccionate or it was hard for him to express how he felt. If man get themselves get influenced by the environemnet lets say the moment we started to struggle was when one of his friends almost killed himself cause his ex cheated on him and left him when engaged. the other friend was getting divorced, etc. And his job –diver– but very stressful lately, and he wouldnt say if soomething was wrong, hed be venting on me but also more distant. I read other articles and it said that when i man feel like he cannot make you happy he rathers be alone. I wanted to understand what was going on in his mind not to cause trouble, he saw it as if he couldnt make me happy, this was the most seirous relationship for both, he had had only a regular girlfriend when 18, now is 25, we talked since he was 23 and I was 22. He said that thats why he didnt like relationships. because te emotional thing, and that arguing like that make him want to die alone…another note to it, he used to drink daily before we met, when we were together he wanted to be “a better maan for me” and he stop drinking and put himself together. we broke up in february while i was in a exchangge in Usa, he pulled away and dissapeared like unreliable since the middle of feb to mid of march, when i had to come back to my country and he finally agreed to see me and drove me to the airport. Anyways, we ended as friends, that wed be in touch but fter i said i was grateful for all and being nice he pulled away harder and now i found out he is drinking more, probbaly daily and now he does stays up later and things he wouldnt do when we were together.. so complicated, i think i need teraphy lol, it was my first guy, we lasted 1 year and 3 months but met him 2 years ago. Hard, hard to think “if he did love me why he ignored mE” I rather recall the positive only…right? lesson learned

By: Forrest

Forrest — Tue, 21 May 2013 13:32:37 +0000

I’m a man, and I pulled away from my ex because I started seeing red flags in our relationship. We had talked about marriage, and I told her about things that were absolute dealbreakers for me. She would always talk about breaking up, why I was the one and why did I pick her (I had dated more than she had), and she would always smother me. The final straw was the fact that we had a minor fight, but she had a temper tantrum and she threw a glass against the wall. I have had friends to tell me that what happens in your relationship…it intensifies by 5 when you get married. So I had visited her, she embarrassed me in a restaurant, and she didn’t take responsibility for what she did. When I saw that, I ran and ran fast. I love her, but that isn’t the way love is supposed to be. The part about letting a man be a man is VERY important; however, it would be better if women communicated with their men and listened to what makes them happy and what bothers them. I would rather be alone than to spend time with someone who will not let you be yourself. That applies for both men and women. You should always be yourself and be true to yourself no matter what.

By: Theresa

Theresa — Mon, 20 May 2013 00:34:03 +0000

I like to thank you for the enlightenment, I have receive, I will use this as a tool to help me in my next relationship.

By: D.Daniel

D.Daniel — Thu, 16 May 2013 03:11:13 +0000

Renee, this is the best article ever I’ve read in a year since meeting a great guy T my 60th class reunion birthday event last year May 26.Us Women have the tendency to get over excited when we meet a man to our liking. I had to relearn what it is Men find attracrive in Women they’d settle down with. Just as he has his freedom I have learned to have fun dancing, etc. specially for now. Will be passing this article on to my Great grandchild.

By: idealistic

idealistic — Tue, 14 May 2013 03:36:59 +0000

I do feel pain. He wasnt the type of guy who would cheat, but when I was in Usa he was very stressed out because of his economy and future in the navy, he started neglecting the relationship and yes, I know actions show more! I could have said mean stuff too but he knew i loved him and i left because i felt he didnt love me as much, he didnt fight this time, he used to fight for me always but then this time he was so self.inmerse on his own job and stuff that he wouldnt think of me nor being with me as much, which hurted. He said he wasnt going to be stable nor reliable which maybe means that he doesnt trust himself being away for 3 years and handling the relationship like he promissed. He will probably go to Japan for 3 years at the end of the year and some friends think he might have got more excited with the idea of the unknown and maybe new girls? or freedom? or not to worry about the drama we were going through but it def something changed in his mind. I wont ever know the true reason, he first told me he was tired that i didnt believe him etc and then he said its his job, he wont be there for me because of so much movement, and i guess, he felt his freedom was taken away? altho he was the one who talk about marriage and not me, he even said he thought i was gonna be with him like together within a year, but i guess the new plans came into his mind when he started feeling stressed about his job and hed say “i want you to be happy” and probably he did realized that i cared more. He used to tell me he would never give up because of what you say, that feeling of knowing they let go of their “soul mate” but then he changed his mind i guess and it hurts mosre because I was the one who didnt trust the relationship, he convinced me that I was safe with him etc, and look at me now, talking about him while God knows whats hes doing besides ignoring me

By: Nessa

Nessa — Tue, 14 May 2013 00:49:33 +0000

I can definitely feel your pain with teh long distance. My love has tried pushing me away and I flat out told him “I ain’t going anywhere and if you love me as much as you show me and say you do, you’ll move mountains like I will to be with you.” and so whenever he’d get broody and start a fight cause he feels bad he can’t be here with me, like now, lol, and be the bf he thinks he’s not being (cause honestly he’s a wonderful man and he shouldn’t put himself down), I just literally go on a rant and tell him I’m never giving up on him cause it’s true. I’d rather be miserable now waiting for him, than be miserable the rest of my life alone pining for him. The ‘what ifs’ just would kill my soul. So I really think you shouldh’t have broken up with him unless without a shadow of a doubt you knew he was cheating on you. He’s probably hurt you ‘gave up’ basically. I mean it seems to me when I rant to my soldier telling him I’ll never give up on him or us, he comes back stronger. I mean true love doesn’t just come knocking on your door ya know? I’ve also told him flat out, if at any point he doesn’t want a relationship with me now or when he comes home, he can bounce cause I’m never just going to be his friend. For me that would be just as painful as if he was dead because my love will never go away, and I’ll always want a romantic relationship with him. It seems to me like that’s what you want with your navy man. Regardless of why you broke up with him at the time and all the ups and downs. I mean to me, if he wants to be with you, he’ll do whatever he can to have you be with him in person as much as possible (i.e. marriage–cause married couples get more time with eachother in the Navy and of course having you move in with him). But honestly, it seems at this point he’s either so hurt you didn’t trust him he’s pushing you away, or he’s so self-loathing because he actually DID cheat on you that he knows you deserve better and is trying his best to give that to you. I guess what you need to ask yourself is, do his actions show you that he loves you as much as you love him? Because if you doubt that even a bit. I’d forget him. I would not be with my soldier right now if he didn’t show me through actions how much I mean to him, because trust me, he can say some of hte meanest stuff when he can’t just express his emotions cause he’s stressed and/or miserable about being deployed still. I hope my own personal experiences have helped shed some light on your love life. I wish you all the best. Just remember. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love you as much as you love them. You want someone who will fight for you and fight for the ‘us’ you deserve. Even if you never love again, and wanna spend your life alone, that would still be better than being with someone who doesn’t love you as much as you love them.

By: idealistic

idealistic — Tue, 14 May 2013 00:00:44 +0000

Hi Nessa, I appreciate you taking the time to write me in here. Soldiers haha, yep he is in the navy, deep sea diver but I think is fair for you to know the whole storie, is way more complicated than you think. First, yes, he isnt very much confortable with talkking bout emotions, his past girlfriend was when he was 18 and he is 25 now, the same, i didnt had a serious relationship, im 24, so for both it was the big deal but u must know that it was a long distance relationship. Usa and Peru in south america, that makes it harder. He pursued me for 9 months, talking, being loyal to each other, the guy was super into me even tho I didnt trust him being that awesome and sometimes tested him or being a bitch, hed stay always. He was in the middle east thats why he couldnt come earlier. As soon as he was sent home, he asked for his leave (3 weeks) to be with me. We had a good time, few little argues but nothing that could over weight the good, of being together, I realized he was more expressive through the internet but still we had good chemestry and he was my first intimate man, so you can imagine how attached I got afterwards when he left. And he was a little bit more distant and im assuming that was his “cave” moment but i didnt know how to handle it, Id say why u changed etc and get like sad and he got depressed one day, didnt get out of bed and said “i dont make u happy, makes me sad” id try to end up the relationship but he will always, as you said, do anything to win me back. Before he met me he used to drink everyday, with me he changed became a better man and he even said he wanted to marry me etc. He even would give me his password to help him put some pictures etc, there was that level of trust. Three months later, I had been selected to work at a resort, student exchange, I chose one that was 3 hours away from where he lives. I stayed one week with him previous to starting to live at the resort. He took leave the middle of december so he could also drive me there and spent time with his family too. I put my walls down completely that first week and then when we were in bed i played with his phone and without even wanting i saw a conversation that he initiated with a girl he used to like in high school, and i reacted negatively, i thought he was flirting and i said i will enter to see the whole convo so i dont think bad, but the password was different, i asked him if he changed it and he said no…but then FB made a remember saying “u changed it last monday” which was the same day he talked to her and he drove me to the resort. Why would he lie if it wasnt nothing wrong? i wanted to break up with him but he said he loved me etc and it didnt mean anything so he deleted her from FB. Ever since, I couldnt trust him completely, he would have had white little lies before too but id rather much better honesty. The thing is, in new years he came to my place where i lived with roommates and was more focused on drinking that actually spending quality time with me, he wanted to drink more but i felt uncomfortable with the people i didnt know and he got mad at me to the point he wanted to drive back to his place..that was the first time ever he mentioned that “maybe is better for us to be friends” because he felt he “ruined” my life because i didnt wanna party and go out as before. To me, it felt like because we dont live in the same country i just wanted to have quality time with him as much as posible, Then, january came and he told me hed be able to drive every weekend to spend time with me, this day he said i wont be able and i was sad and i said “ok if its boys time im ok with it” but he got mad and said to me on the phone “ure making me look like a piece of shit, i cant go this weekend, i need time to do my stuff, deal with things in here, is not like when i see u all stays color rose in my place, i cant postpone my life like ive been doing the past few weeks” OUCH. i told him i rather him coming when he wants than when he thinks he have to and didnt speak to him for 4 days, i was about to leave him, he said sory that he was stressed out for a test, his job was crazy etc. The thing is, last time I saw him was jan 25th. After that i got sick and he was morew withdrawal, i felt he wasnt as excited as before, before meeting each other hed want to talk to me every day and ask bout my day etc, nowi it was me who came back from work and text him bout how he was doing and it felt more like a “imma read, imma, eat, imma sleep” thing. We then used to talk on the phone and hed be annoyed, more negative, venting on me, wanting to go to sleep early, well he used to sleep always like at 9 maximum 10pm because he wakes up early but the thing is i felt as if he didnt wanna talk to me. I tried so much, our natures were different,. I found myself thinking bout him everyday but felt it wasnt reciprocated. I broke up with him on february 9th and for the first time he was ok with it, next day i was sad called him and blamed all on me saying he was tired of feeling judge and it was gonna say the same over and over again, next day after being mean like that he texted me saying sorry that he will always care, he loves me and wants me to be happy. I really thoight we will make up for valentines day but he didnt say anthing, he just said good morning have a nice day and i didnt answer back on whatsapp(txt message) and after that, I didnt heard of him for 4 days! I called him the following week and he didnt answer but the next day with the typical “sorry being busy” and it was like that the whole month, i even saw him late on Fb which made me feel like hey, with me he went to bed early. When i tried to fix things saying its just a test he said nah, his job was busy he is not stable and wont be able to be there for me, he won be reliable bcuase he wanted to move and epxlore and help in the navy like a lab rat and he didnt wanna hold my life back. Two days after that and not answering to my positive lovy messages he wrote me that he was sick the whole weekend and he is very grateful, that i was amazing and thanked me for always being there for him and to let him know when i go home. But then hed be colder, then two divers died etc, to sum up, i know im explained my wholeee love life haha, he finally agreed to see him on the last day i was there to take me to the airport, he texted me it was hard at work and negative weeks but when i saw him he seemed ok, he told me he started drinking more cause he couldnt sleep in february and he might choose to go to japan for his last 3 years of contract. We did it, we were together but it felt like we didnt really close the chapter. Back in Peru he saw i posted stuff about feeling broken heart and he inboxed me saying he did love me and it was hard to see me watch but the time wasnt right and we couldnt force it but he feels we will see each other again and im the person he cared about the most and pronbably will ever. He has my books and he has to send them to my country so that was an excuse to talk to him, He started withdrawing more when after he told me “maybe when we both r more stable and done with our studies u can come here id like that” i said “nah, find someone with whom u can walk the talk” after saying that he got more distant, short words, and i didnt want that, i want us to be friends but, he dissaoeared, answered me only when talking bout the books, one week ago he was nicer but not looking forward to talk to me much. This past weekend i saw him on the same language website we met, he was online, and so on saturday so ir hurted me to know he does have the time to talk but wouldnt talk to me, I talked to him yesterday, i said i needed to talk to him, he now would read me and ignore the message. I said yesterday by mistake that i loved him still, missed him, and it hurts knowing he feels annoyed to answer me or avoiding talking to me, that i wished we could be friends etc and a lot of cheesy stuff like teach me how to forget u, genuine love doesnt just dissapear, u might be already loooking for new girls, never forget what we had etc…at this point i dont think he will come back to me, he’slooking forward to leave the country in december, excited with whatever might come, which is ok, but i dont understand why he stopped to love me so quickly, or if he avoiuds talking to me to “remember” because he is healing still or because he doesnt give a dang anymore…it hurts me so much, i cried everyday, dreamed with him and it feels so surreal…by now i also promised it was gonna be the last time i said i loved him and he wont have to worry i wont talk to him again..he still needs to confirm me bout my books and it hurts he didnt take the time to answer to all of my texting, i also found out he blocked me on skype. it was obvious i wasnt feeling ok and how cold he acts, i dont understand…idk how hard it hit him the breakuo either cause he doesnt share his feelings and i feel like the whole month of february he was forcing himself to not love me anymore, altho when we saw last time in the middle of march the spark was still there but i could feel he put his walls up. Now, you think he will come back still?

By: Nessa

Nessa — Mon, 13 May 2013 14:47:44 +0000

Honestly since you broke up with him you need to just give him space. If he really loves you he’ll do whatever he can to try to win you back. Sad to say, but if he doesn’t, maybe the pulling away really was him just tryign to communicate he doesn’t feel the same for you any more and it’s effectively “over” before you broke up with him. And there is a diff. between pulling away emotionally and pulling away all together because it’s over. Trust your gut. Some men get in this rut where they become insecure and need to reassert their control and often times it comes out to us women as being mean or insensitive or less romantic etc. But if you just cont. to act normal and don’t poke him as to why he’s “acting this way”, because honestly they know what they’re doing, but they don’t wanna talk about their feelings (some guys do and will come out with it), he’ll come back more grounded and loving. Try to put it in a reverse perspective, the more intensely in love you are with your partner the more likely you are worried they will hurt you, regardless if you 100% trust them because past hurts are always in the back of a person’s mind. Over time we can completelly get over them though.

I personally love talking about my feelings,but only when I’m comfortable and if someone pokes me to talk I just say BS stuff and try to divert as far away as possible from talking about how I feel. I never act out, that’s important, I just emotionally withdrawal a bit and get quiet when the subject goes towards maybe me having to express my feelings.

A healthy withdrawal is one where your man comes back to you loyal, loving and ready to just cont. where you left off. It does not mean they ignore you for a weeks, cheat on you, treat you like down right crap to the point of abuse. If anyone’s man is being that nasty because they can’t or won’t talk about what’s going on inside their head, you need to sit him down and say “This is mean. That is not a joke and I don’t feel loved. Come around when you can give me respect and love to me. In the mean time, I’ll be here waiting. I love you, but I’m not a punching bag.” (it’s important to emphasis YOUR feelings and try not to pin everything on him and just let him know this is how you feel and that you’ll be there when he’s done sorting. Cause if you just get all angry at him he may lash out more and men need loving words just as much as we do. They just don’t ask for them cause they’re men!). Note: he may still lash out because you’re making him feel stuff (i.e.guilt and sadness for withdrawling and taking it out on you), but then when he comes back around don’t bring it up, he will bring it up if it really was the “bad” withdrawal. Let him come to you and just say sorry if he wants or not. THe last thing you ever wanna do is continually go harpy mode. It’s healthy to fight, but too much is unhealthy. Ok I’m done ranting.

Source of knowledge: the love of my life is a soldier and when he gets overwhelmed emotionally he becomes a pain in the arse, but I love him regardless because I know how stressed out he can get and it’s not easy having his emotions on his sleeve even half the time.

By: idealistic

idealistic — Mon, 13 May 2013 06:15:56 +0000

A man on a woman forum? thats cool, not many guys look for understanding or stuff like this this deff help us and i wish i read this before…when it was the right time. Some people say man can withdraw like even fro 7 months, i read a comment of a girl who persued his bf and he pulled away much more. When she stopped, he came back by his own. How different is that when a relationship is “done” the withdrawall can be counted as well? ’cause i broke up with my bfriend 3 months ago and last month ive been more of a pursueing, i stopped but different countries and all make it hard. I dont think he will come back even if i ignore but it will def be a lesson.

By: Linda Ford

Linda Ford — Wed, 08 May 2013 06:17:42 +0000

I would drop his sorry behind. Forget about what is making him tick. He is getting his bread buttered on both sides.