At the beginning, he comes on strong – he pursues you relentlessly, buys you gifts, compliments you, plans dates and outings, makes an effort to make you feel special….and then, months down the track; it stops. He pulls away.
He stops complimenting you and starts to seem distant, he says he’s ‘too busy’ or ‘under a lot of stress’, he stops planning things and even becomes more passive, or says he’s not sure about his feelings for you, and goes hot and cold. (See my popular article on why men pull away)
Now, this is not the path every man/woman relationship always takes, but it is certainly the same path many women have had to go through.
What on earth happened?
When a different part of him surfaces…
You probably feel confused, unloved, ‘duped’, and you probably have other men who are willing to give you attention, right? So why does this man – whom things were so great with at the beginning – suddenly seem like a completely different person?
Well, it’s partly because he has become a different person, and so have you.
Here is what happened:
When we are in lust, or even when we fall in love at the beginning of a relationship, our instincts are at work – a primitive part of the brain, a part that some call the ‘lizard brain’. This is the part of the brain that is in every living creature – of course, reptiles included. It’s there to help us survive. Survival is paramount, for this part of our brain, and so is baby making.
When you are very attracted to someone at the beginning, you (and them) subconsciously put out the ‘best’ parts of yourself, whether you like it or not. At this stage, you are driven by your instincts. At this stage, the man claims he loves babies, children and prams, and the woman is crazy about the man, wants sex a lot, and is far easier to make happy.
What happens when a man and a woman fall in love
Here’s an interesting conclusion from a recent study:
When men fall in love, their testosterone levels lower. However, when women fall in love, their testosterone levels are increased (creating more equal testosterone levels in the man and the woman) and because of this, at this early stage of the relationship, men and women differ far less than they normally would in their behaviour and interactions.
So what does this tell you?
It tells you that after a few months, even 3-9 months, your instincts aren’t such a strong driving force anymore, and the other parts of your personality as well as the other parts of your man start to surface.
We aren’t putting on our best show anymore. And not only that – but because your behaviour and your biochemistry starts to become more and more different after the initial period, he (the man) starts to meet a resistance (which I will talk more about below).
And, we might like to think that we can control this kind of thing, and not be ‘phony’ at the start – but a lot of the workings of the lizard brain occur without us having any control over it.
I’ll give you an example.
Have you ever promised yourself you would do NEVER do something EVER again, like, say, never lose your temper with your man again, or never eat a chocolate candy bar again, and then….ultimately, you do?
And after you do it, you think “hang on, what am I doing? Didn’t I promise myself I wasn’t going to do that?!!”
Of course you have!
We all have.
This is the subconscious part of your brain simply going for what feels great in the moment. Kind of like getting a quick fix in the moment of an emotional difficulty.
How and why a man’s behavior changes after spending some months with you
So what happens is that over time, in your relationship with a man, even thought things seem so great in the beginning, over time, as your instincts are no longer such an enormous drive (of course, your instincts still drive you a lot, just less so than when you were first driven by intense lust and attraction), it becomes much harder for the man to make the woman happy. You become far less easy to make happy.
It’s harder for him to WIN with you.
At least it feels that way to him, because now you’ve got reality to deal with.
And – now you are both seeing the other parts of each other. Not just the ‘Mr Perfect’ you saw at the beginning and not just the ‘Little Miss Perfect’ YOU!
Because NOW, it’s not new anymore, maybe those feel-good brain chemicals are not running like mad, and now you actually have to work at it – which is a hard reality to deal with, for many.
Even if you truly have good intentions, and want to work on something – it’s hard to know what to do.
And it’s hard for a man to know what to do!
Since a man wants to make you happy (this need is at the core of him), this is like a blow to the guts for many men, and they may get confused, withdraw, and start to feel less inclined to take things to the next level, partly because they are not being made to feel like a man anymore.
And if he doesn’t feel like he was able to please you – or if he didn’t feel like he was enough for you – he will feel hurt.
This is hard for a man to take.
If a man feels like he’s not able to make you happy, or if he’s afraid you will be impossible to make happy – he’s going to pull away, get confused, or even leave, or run hot and cold.
Even if he genuinely loves you.
He’s probably had past experiences with women where he was hurt – we’ve all been hurt in an intimate relationship before, and he’s just a bit scared. Not willing to admit it, but scared nonetheless.
Men have to come on strong
See, if a man really desires you OR if he is falling in love with you, he HAS to come on strong. It’s part of how nature works. He wouldn’t secure a mate or pass on his genes otherwise. This is how it works in the animal kingdom – and it still works similar with us humans, even though men have become a lot more passive in this modern era.
So, he has to come on strong to form a bond with you – regardless of whether or not he is in love with you. On a primal level, this helps him to secure you as a mate, and it leads, hopefully, to procreation and babies.
You and I wouldn’t be here right now, if our male ancestors didn’t make their moves and pursue females strongly.
So even though you feel hurt, and you’re scared of losing him, or you think he’s being a moody bi*ch, or perhaps you feel like you’ve done something wrong – it’s just a part of the natural cycle of your relationship.
Now – back to what I said above about reality setting in.
Reality sets in for both of you after the initial period, and what happens is the man then feels some resistance.
Meeting the resistance
If you are a member of Commitment Control, you would already be aware of what commitment resistance is, and how to overcome commitment resistance in a man.
However, just for now, all you need to know is that a man usually meets resistance at some point in time in the relationship with you, which really just means he meets his own fears and conflicts.
This is where YOU come in, and where what you do as a woman, in your relationship with him (or any future man for that matter) is absolutely crucial.
Men and women and their differences
The point is that men and women are completely different, and if you want to stop your man from running hot and cold, you need to understand how men work (men and women even use different parts of their brains more than the other sex), you need to understand what is truly valuable to men, and how to become that valuable woman he’s going to long for, miss, and want to commit to and make happy for the rest of his life.
And if your man is running hot and cold, or if you have dated a few men that have all run hot and cold, and you don’t know what to do to stop him running hot and cold – you’re going to end up feeling rejected, humiliated, and attached to a man who is just wasting your precious time and youth, which is incredibly important to us as women.
We’re all here for a limited time only, right? We don’t have a lifetime to waste. (See my article on the 10 signs of commitment phobic men)
So the longer you go without understanding men and not knowing how to deal with him pulling away after coming on so strong – the more of your own time you waste, and the more pain you experience in your relationships.
What makes a man commit to you
Remember that a man will commit to you when he subconsciously and consciously feels that you are a valuable woman to him (in other words, when there’s plenty of connection and attraction in the relationship). Most of us want a lifelong mate who is high quality, so you can’t blame him for that.
Many men have commitment resistance, but if you know how to overcome it – it never needs to happen again in your relationship.
To become the kind of woman MEN see high value in, requires you to have a deeper understanding of a man’s DNA, how they have evolved over millions of years, what they truly need, what they feel will fulfil them, what is valuable to them, and what will make a man feel like he couldn’t live without you.
It’s not hard to get a man to want to devote himself to you. This happens when you become a woman who actually understands men, unlike nearly all women out there who don’t understand men at all.
If you want this deeper understanding, and want your man to hold you and tell you he wants to be with you and only you, you will get this deeper understanding of what will make him get to this point with you in our 4-week program commitment control – a program that has helped many women turn their non-committal man in to a man who is begging HER for exclusivity or always wanting to spend time with her and spoil her.
The path to a long-term relationship is different for men
So if you’re thinking this all just sounds like men want everything to be easy, and won’t ‘man up’ and stick things through, I understand. It really does seem to be the truth when you look at it initially, but when you get a little understanding of how men work, you realize that your perceptions are not 100% true.
They are true to you as a woman, but not really true from a man’s perspective.
See, for you as a woman, attachment will often feel completely natural. You want to go further, take things further, get a man to open up, and maybe create a future together.
Men want this, too. However, men work differently to women. So they need to feel a different thing to what you feel in order to want to be with you all the time, and be deeply committed to you.
They take a slightly different path to you as a woman.
Before he will be willing to step up to the plate and continue with the deep connection you had in the beginning, he needs to feel like a man with you.
Remember the research I talked about above? About how when a man falls in love, his testosterone levels actually lower? Well, as a general rule, being connected to you and being in relationship with you (a woman) for an extended time, doesn’t really make him feel like a man, at his core.
Yes, being with a feminine woman CAN make a man feel like a man, and naturally would, but talking with you, having intimate conversations with you, engaging in loving exchanges with you over and over for a long time can feel like suffocation to a man.
He Needs to feel like a Man First
In fact, the need to feel like a man is like SURVIVAL to a man. What has he got, as a man, if he doesn’t feel like a man?
And the same with you. Think about it. If you’re truly feminine inside, what does life feel like if you don’t feel like a woman – radiant, beautiful, connected, loved and loving, free, and expressive?
Crap. It feels like crap. This is why women go spend thousands and thousands of dollars on things that will enhance their looks – because inside, they want to feel radiant, they want to be noticed, and appreciated, and they want their beauty to be appreciated. – all these things are part of feeling like a WOMAN.
The same goes with men – men will do crazy things to just feel like a man.
Get addicted to golf. Go to war for seemingly unwarranted reasons (at least to a woman anyway). Go quiet. Not call for several days.
See, we women frown upon this, but there’s always another side of the coin. For example, men often get hurt and frustrated by us spending hoards of money on what they would deem to be pointless things – such as new cups (when we already have 50 at home), new shoes (when we already have 256 pairs in the cupboard) – it’s pointless to men.
I am not saying the above behaviours I’ve described are GOOD behaviours – and I’m certainly not saying they are sustainable ways to feel like a man or a woman.
So – what’s my point? My point is that if your man is pulling away from the relationship, he is pulling away so that he can feel like a man.
What he does may be selfish, it may hurt you like hell, and you may not LIKE it – but at the bottom of it all, he wants to feel like a man. All the better if YOU happen to be that feminine woman who makes him feel like a man.
What to do if he has come on strong and is now going hot and cold:
So if right now your man seems to be running hot and cold and pulling away, and you feel scared, taken for granted or confused, here is an action step you can take:
1) What you have to do is acknowledge that a man will pull away at some point in the relationship. Men have evolved over millions of years to be HUNTERS – to bring home food, to kill beasts, and to work in a group with their comrades to achieve a result – ie: kill the food, and bring it home.
Men are not originally made to be in a long-term relationship with you (we were made to procreate, have sex and pass our genes in to tomorrow). But of course, humans have evolved far more than other mammals, so we are now capable of having long-term relationships.
None of this means he’s not going to be in a relationship with you and nor does it mean he CAN’T be. Of course he can. It’s just that you have to fulfil what his base level need is FIRST – which is to feel like a man (I’ll get to this in a second), so he feels safe to progress with you.
So once you have acknowledged that his pulling away doesn’t have anything to do with YOU – it’s him wanting to feel free (feel like a man), and take a break from the relationship, you can then proceed to free yourself from suffering and from feeling rejected, to then get in a better emotional state so that you can work from a position of power to make the relationship (or your future relationships) better.
2) Give him space. Give him time. He needs it to re-charge and to feel like a man again. Give him the space and time he needs. This is going to begin the process of getting him to associate you with the feeling of being able to be feel like a man.
3) When you’ve gone ahead and given him this space, take out a piece of paper. Do it right now. Get out a piece of paper and write down every single thing you are afraid of. Are you afraid of not being good enough for him? Are you afraid he is going to go back to his ex? Are you afraid he doesn’t love you? Or that he’s cheating on you?
Write down everything you fear (write each fear beneath the other so you have space for the next part of the exercise). Write down everything. And just when you think you’ve got everything, write down a few more things you fear. Keep writing until you’ve got nothing left.
4) Now look at your list. There’s a lot of fears, aren’t there? Now, next to each fear you have listed – write down a new meaning for that fear. For example. Say you fear that he doesn’t love you and will reject you again. Your new meaning could be (my new meaning would be):
“I cannot be rejected. Even if a man rejects my love, I have infinite love inside of me. And even when I do feel rejected, I can still love, because I am a feminine woman who is full of love. No-one can TRULY reject me, because I am far better than that. It’s impossible to be rejected. It’s an illusion. I am only rejected if I BELIEVE people are rejecting me.”
Another example: say you fear that you are not as good as his ex-girlfriend. Your new meaning would be, instead of: ‘oh I could never compare to his ex girlfriend because he’s so obsessed over her.’ Your new meaning could be:
“I have everything I need within me right NOW to be more than enough for this man, and even more than his ex is. I know that even if he does the thing I fear the most – which is leave me – I am far too powerful a woman to diminish myself because of this. I will be a better lover for the right man for me, even if this relationship doesn’t work out.’
5) Now read over your new meanings. And from this day on, EVERY time you feel the fears coming up again, abruptly break your emotional pattern (your recurrent fears), and go back to your list and read over your new meaning. EVERY time! No exceptions.
And from these new meanings you give to your fears, you will be able to increase your value as a woman, because you won’t be doing things from a place of desperation or neediness.
When you do things from a place of desperation or neediness, you end up just extracting value from a man’s life, rather than adding value.
And it doesn’t matter whether you end up with this man or not – what matters is that you have this understanding and this strength inside of yourself to become a better lover – for yourself (so that you can attract that fulfilling relationship), and for your current man or your future man.
An important point to note: when you give a man space, and you do the steps I’ve given you above, and while you give him his space, you work on yourself and work from your newfound understanding of men, you’ll notice that he will probably call you first and ask how you are, and not only that, he’ll want to make plans to see YOU, because he feels your presence differently.
You start to go from feeling like more of a burden to him to feeling like more of an excitement and a ‘drug’ for him. The kind of woman that makes him feel like a man – the number one thing he needs to feel. (See my article on what if he doesn’t want to spend time with you)
Becoming a woman who Men are Dying to Commit to
And if you want to take things further, and really get a deep understanding of men, join our Commitment Control members area. You’ll have so many ‘ah-hah’ moments, and you’ll see what life is like through a man’s eyes (something most women will never be aware of), and you’ll be able to get a man to beg YOU for commitment.
You can literally get a man who wasn’t totally feeling it for you, and feeling like he’s ‘not ready’ to be committed to you, to having him wake up and wondering how stupid he was to not make a full commitment to you.
Go to this page to see how Commitment Control has worked for other members.
Until next time, take care.