How Most Women Reject their Femininity (and How you can stand out from the crowd)

How Most Women Reject their Femininity

If we as women, are truly feminine at our core but reject it, we can sometimes find ourselves in dating situations where the man doesn’t commit, even after the relationship got sexual. Especially after the relationship got sexual. Wanting a woman for sex is one thing, but wanting a woman for a relationship, that tends to happen when a man perceives high value in a woman.

I have a couple of ideas on how our feminine energy can help us distinguish whether we are showing up in the dating market as a ‘one of many’, or a man’s ‘one and only’.

If you are truly a feminine woman at your core, but don’t know how to let your femininity surface, then you might be wasting a lot of your energy just pushing down your natural drivers, for the sake of being enough or gaining society’s acceptance, perhaps.

And even if you think you are happy, something might feel like it is missing some day. Why? Because you’re rejecting a part of yourself. Being able to claim your feminine energy is at the heart of your own happiness, and most definitely the happiness of your relationship. (Click here to complete the quiz on “How Feminine Am I Actually?”)

Our culture rejects a woman’s authentic femininity and has replaced it with ‘image-related’ ideas of femininity as well as masculinity. This can make things very hard for us.

So if you’ve ever felt like it’s incredibly hard to be feminine in today’s world, many women I speak to feel the same, and you are not alone.

Most women are more than happy to get dressed up, buy clothes that are on trend but clothes they don’t need, and wear bucket-loads of make up. This is not femininity. This is a trigger, and ‘cue’ or a ‘sign’ of femininity. It definitely has enormous value.

However, there’s a problem when this becomes the only idea of femininity. (read my article about how to be feminine)

Being a woman doesn’t mean you are feminine

As the common argument goes: “as long as I am a woman, I am feminine!Being a woman and being feminine apparently go hand-in-hand.

That’s like saying that starting a business means it will succeed, or because it’s an orange, it must be sweet.

Sure, most women are indeed very feminine at their core, but just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you show up as feminine.

I have met women who were obviously soft, flowing, feminine souls in their core (or so I felt they were), but on the outside, they were intense, domineering, abusive women…and that wasn’t natural to them, because they were doing those things to be enough. To feel important. Not because they were just being themselves.

How would I know this? I don’t, necessarily. But this is just what I see in the world and it’s what I believe.

I test these women sometimes, and respond to their domineering, aggressive outsides without an attempt to be open and to soften them…sometimes, they begin to respond with a cover up of what their actions were for. I believe this is because they know, inside, with their infinite bodily intelligence, that their actions were a facade. They weren’t being who they truly are.

We are all either more masculine, feminine or neutral at our core

We are all either more masculine, feminine or neutral at our core, and when this is suppressed, either by choice or through conditioning (usually a combination of both) we become dead human beings. Think of people waiting on the seats on the subway in the morning.

Imagine the look on their faces, especially women. (Click here to take the quiz “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

Imagine their posture. How are they holding themselves? Are their shoulders slumped? Are the corners of their mouth sloping downwards? Are their mouths tight? Are they sensual or are they rigid? Or are they free? Do they smile or acknowledge you with their eyes or do they avoid looking at you?

There’s a reason why many women have trouble letting their true selves shine through, and it’s a very sad thing. That reason is:

How feminine energy is conditioned out of women

In many parts of our society, femininity and emotionality is made wrong. This starts in schools and with some parents. You can’t be like this, you can’t be like that. Sit down, shut up, wear the same thing as everybody else. Do the work. Get the result. Get an A. Suck it up. Please us. This is how you should do it. Get that career. Get in to debt. Die. (Whether literally or not).

And for a multitude of other reasons, women cover up their femininity, and just stop caring about themselves and others.

What happens when a woman’s emotionality or authentic feminine energy is made wrong? She covers it up and becomes a lifeless being. Some would say women become more masculine, and this is true sometimes, but my feeling is that women tend to become lifeless, lonely robots, masculine or not.

You could shake them up in a life-sized blender and they wouldn’t move an inch.

Women who are in this habitual state make themselves miserable, and make others around them miserable. It surfaces as ‘depression’, ‘anxiety disorder’, learned helplessness, an I don’t care attitude, or “I’m just career-oriented”.

What it really is is a part of us dying.

It’s easy to just say “well I don’t care”.

Until we do care.

Or, I guess, until life forces us to care.

Emotionality and authenticity is the core of femininity

The nature of femininity is that there is life. And there is emotion and authenticity, there is unpredictability and vulnerability, and there is sexuality. To be feminine you cannot be afraid of your own ability to feel, to enjoy and to influence.

Think of a woman, standing in front of you, smiling big. She’s smiling so big, and her smile is so energetic, you can’t help but smile back, but if you don’t smile back, her energy heals you. But this is not just a smile. Any woman on the street can pull a smile, and the majority of women pull smiles that are practiced.

A smile for the sake of a smile.

A smile that is pulled so that you can’t say I snobbed you off.

Going back to the woman. She’s smiling, right at you, all the while, her eyes are lit up, and she’s not shying away from the joy and the infectious energy that her smile brings. She’s irresistible. And I don’t mean sexually (though she is likely sexually irresistible too).

I mean, her energy is irresistible. When you’re around her, you feel more alive. You feel nurtured. Once she’s in your life, you really can’t imagine life without her. She’s a special friend or a special lover.

If she’s sad, her tears fall unapologetically. If she’s hurt, you can see it. If she’s angry, you can see it, and you can feel it.

Most important: she’s not rejecting her feelings.

She’s not rejecting parts of herself.

This is scary for many of us women today. We think authenticity is wrong, because it has indeed been made wrong. Women are raised today to go for the kill. That is not a problem in itself but it is when women feel rejected for being truly feminine.

The scary thing about this is that many women have sweet-talked themselves in to believing that feminine energy is wrong. It’s not ok to feel vulnerable.

We are taught to please and to conform from a very young age. But I’m glad to say that I do see the tide turning. And I am personally also extremely, extremely blessed to have a handful of girlfriends who are feminine, authentic and real in my presence. They gift me with their authenticity, their tears, their laughter and their affection (thanks JF AND YT).

It’s also very hard when there are also some men out there in the big wide world make a woman’s emotionality wrong.

“Stop being dumb”.

“What a crazy bitch”.

“Why are you so emotional?”

This is not about being an emotional wreck (although you are free to be that too). It’s about showing who you really are as a woman, and feeling what you really feel. If your life is always about getting things done, pleasing people, achieving something, keeping to the ‘rules’, pretending you don’t have fears, and you are always up to your neck in responsibilities, your femininity is probably being suppressed. (read my article about the secret to being yourself)

Feminine energy is scary

Women who freely express what they’re feeling scare a lot of other women. Why does it scare them? Because they have rejected this about themselves. They’ve got to be ‘in control’. There’s nothing wrong with that either.

But my question is:

How free do you really feel when you put encumbrances on what you can or can’t be?

How free do you really feel when you put restrictions on what you can or cannot feel?

How free do you really feel when you make your very own essence as a woman wrong?

I see women everywhere, every day putting other women down for being real and feminine. A spontaneous laugh that is authentic and silly; that expresses true joy and vulernability is scowled at.

A woman screams once more than is ideal on television and she’s just a nuisance.

A woman who is not afraid of her femininity, her sensuality and sexuality and ability to enchant is unfairly labelled a slut or treated as an outcast, though maybe all she’s doing is gifting people with her energy.

A lot of women do often project something that is fake (fake feminine) – some women cry repetitively to get attention, or scream to get attention. They try to get something from men, as if men should just be there at their beck and call.

This is not real or authentic, and it’s not feminine. It is just manipulative and a sign of desperation.

I have a really goofy side and a childlike girly side that would make many a modern woman sick to the stomach. But I don’t make it wrong, because I don’t want to suppress different parts of myself. I also have a masculine side if the situation calls for it.

To be human, and indeed, to be a human female means to allow the full expression of yourself and your femininity.

Here is what you can do to become more feminine:

1)Look toward the men (or the man) in your life and allow them to influence you. consciously allow yourself to feel happy, excited, and attracted to masculine men or the man in your life. Masculine men have a wonderful gift to give you, and that is realizing your own feminine energy (warning: do be careful! Some men will want to just take advantage of you).

If you feel yourself rejecting their masculine energy (you’ll usually feel it in your body), ‘wanting to keep it out’,  or not allowing men to influence you (like so many women do for the need to not be out of control, or for the need to be independent), just remember that that is a part of yourself you are rejecting.

If you feel yourself rejecting men or their masculine energy (usually out of fear – move your body to a different position, or rapidly change your posture and you will feel different.

In return, you will feel men and women expressing their appreciation for your energy.

Allowing a man to influence you could mean acknowledging their presence and their masculinity and what a gift that is, because men these days also reject their own masculine energy. It could mean letting a man you don’t know open a door for you or letting your man put a big smile on your face.

2) Consciously notice yourself when you are rejecting other women for being feminine or for being themselves. A huge warning sign! If you reject other women, or you judge them, you’re not being smart or superior, what you are really doing is dis-owning a part of yourself, and you’re not free. And what happens when you’re not free, is you cannot be feminine and you become tight, controlling and dead.

This is probably a bit tiring, for you.

3) Surround yourself with feminine women and celebrate their feminine energy.

4) You must hold the belief that your feminine energy is a gift. It’s you being authentic. It’s not selfish, it’s not stupid. It’s a gift to yourself and to your man, and to any other men in your life. Just as you would love and appreciate a masculine man of integrity who is present, humorous and confident, other human beings feel your feminine energy as a gift, even if they can’t consciously define it as feminine. These 17 feminine attraction triggers that I’ve put together are a door way to your outer and inner feminine essence. Click here to get it and get the first volume of Attraction Control Monthly for free.

Now, over to you. Please share your thoughts and experiences. Let us know of any thoughts you have that could help other women embrace their femininity.


Article Name
How Most Women Reject their Femininity (and How you can stand out from the crowd)
A woman who is truly feminine at her core but rejects it always has trouble attracting great man who want to be with her for life. Want her for sex? Sure, maybe. But be with her for life? That's something very different.
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  • Eve

    “Authenticity”? The last thing most of us with female bodies need is to be told to be more feminine. We’ve been told that all our lives. It took me decades to accept myself as I was, a not particularly feminine person, and see that as OK.
    Yes, feminine traits are also ok, but demanding them of a person simply because they have a uterus is cruel and bigoted.

    • Karma

      Being a woman is a gift and I cherish it. I was raised that I had to be more masculine even though I was very feminine and still am. I have learned to love myself and accept who I am. I refused to be what society tried to force on me.

  • Kevin

    Hi Renee ,

    Stumbled upon this site & I’m impressed !! From a male point of view , truly feminine women are very rare in the West. It is NOT your fault , the media is controlled by those that have a vested interest in creating a confused , hate filled ” society ” with everyone at each others throats. I think women as emotional thinkers , are more prone to media programming. We men are constantly portrayed as worthless , stupid , expendable sex crazed rapist beasts ( extremists have hijacked true equality Feminism & turned it into an anti male hate group ) & have noticed women are mostly very hostile towards men in general , smiles from women are very rare , most guys get a snarl or scowl instead. The net result is a growing number of men avoiding women altogether. Is the ” media ” having a big impact on the female psyche & do women in general , hate men ?? Ladies , your honest opinions please !! ( I’m married BTW , but have noticed this in the last few years..I DO NOT attempt to ” hit” on women !! )

    • Jessica

      The truth is many of the roles between men and women have changed throughout these decades. Nowadays, we women have to take care of our children and ourselves by ourselves because the majority of men have presented themselves as the things you have described Kevin. Men have become lazy as well. This is why women hate men and end up becoming lesbians. There are very few good men left and very few good women left because the sexes have put each other through too much nonsense and has caused this hatred and resentment between men and women. I am married myself. At one time, I was thinking like a man and dogging men terribly because I figured if a man could do it, so could a woman. Now, I’m more feminine but still have some masculine energy. Not all women hate men.

      • Kevin

        Thanks for your response , Jessica & unlike a lot of women , you have not launched into a man bashing tirade & realise it’s a problem for both genders as there is no polarity , ie men generally are not masculine & have no integrity , whilst too many women behave in a masculine way & are negative towards men…both genders have become , in most cases , unattractive to the other. Put this way , if I was single , I would never , ever bother dating & stay solo.

        • Jessica

          You’re welcome Kevin. I agree with you on avoiding dating altogether if I was single and be solo. It’s a shame that people don’t realize how serious and hurtful this situation is.

          • Karma

            I thank goddess every day for my husband.

            • Jessica

              I thank God for my husband as well. We both have wonderful men in our lives. I actually feel sorry for those who reject themselves and others who want to be a part of their lives.

  • Velvet

    I totally agree with many of the points discussed in this article, its like deep down inside there is a part of me that “knows” this but has been unable to articulate it. I have become emotionally stifled and played dead all my life in an attempt to just survive. Ive been living in survival mode and all this femininity stuff sounds super scary, but ive come to a point where i feel like its either I change or I die. I wish all women knew from a young age that their personal power wasnt scary. i wish I knew from young that I didnt have to hide my true self.
    Thank God for second chances, I hope we do all reach a point where we are our own friends again and are not afraid of who God made us to be.

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  • Nichole

    I just have to say you are brilliant and amazing. So wise at such a young age. You must be such a joy to your husband. Just in a day of reading your knowledge you have made an angry woman masculine woman stop dead in her tracks, and re-examine myself and the terror and torment I was creating. Made me realize how truly blessed I am to still have an amazing husband by my side. Thank you for your wonderful talents and may God bless you and your family.

    • Renee Wade

      Thank You Nichole, you are so lovely. XxX – Renee.

  • Ana

    Interesting, I do like my femininity, I just don´t feel attracted to men, I don´t see how allowing a man in my life would heighten my femininity. That´s why I love women, I love to be surrounded by the energy. I can´t think of a way a man would make me feel better about my femininity. I already do.

  • Alicia
  • With love

    I feel this article hits the nail on the head as to where I’m most defiently going wrong in my life – unknowling.

    All my life I really struggled to express my true feelings; the anger, sadness, frustration, you name it, possibly every emotion going and then I hit a break through this week that made me realise that everything that I needed to know and everything is going to be ok and I can’t wait to embrace the feminine!


  • Nadia

    I love this! Its become a crime to show emotion, to cry or anything. Yay to being feminine 😀

  • Angel-Eyes

    Aww, this is lovely…it’s so acknowledging and acepting of human beings.

    It makes me wonder now why people have been rejecting themselves for so long and why they aren’t expressing themselves as real human being.

    I think-feel one of the key answers is to push past resistance. Perfection was and still possibly is something to work past so that’s when I realized, get a piece of paper, make sure it’s scruffy and write on it any how, because it really doesn’t matter at the end of the day, it’s just a piece of paper and the worlds not going to end just because my best handwriting isn’t on it, lol :).

    From now on I will some more just to become a real human being with a full range of emotions.

    I’m just finding myself and others for the first time…

  • potsynolls

    This article is written under the gross assumption that females are nothing but sugar and spice which is total boloney. Females need a reality check big time. It’s one thing to encourage an authentic self in women by tapping into their femininity, but it’s not okay for this article to leave out the perks, and privileges associated with being female and to not go on with the complete story as if there are no areas for improvement.

    Everyone in society has to conform in some respects and live up to something while some females want everything in the world to change but themselves. So, women must decide if they want to be spoiled children, or become adults in the real world (which would truly give everyone else a break). The latter takes some toughening up and bares many fruits while remaining a child is comfortable, filtered, limiting and unfulfilling (can’t have it both ways, but that is precisely what they are trying to implement). The lie that they tell themselves is that they can have it all which is make believe because even in the proclaimed patriarchy, men don’t even have it all. And how in the world do they expect to have the power of men without doing the work of men (holding slow traffic signs doesn’t count)? Who is going to maintain a developed society’s standard of living? Women more often then not live in a world weather at home or on the job where things are just there and done for them. There was never any intentional equality in their agenda, but rather a hands off approach to modern living while others are in servitude.

    Coming back down a bit, the journey of women’s issues does not exempt them from exercising some form of maturity, perspective, or self-control. This article is essentially saying that whatever they are feeling should be expressed, and should go unregulated by self. It is not oppressive to expect reasonable conduct that shows respect for others, and that no one should be subjected to a free-for-all list of behaviors that can be unreasonable, or toxic simply because it comes from a woman. Strong feminine women exist and can easily recognize and see through the ridiculousness versus when there is a legitimate problem. The problem is that, yes women have been oppressed, but that doesn’t excuse them from conducting themselves in ways that violates others.

  • Joan

    Today I’m feeling a little scared and angry over my past because I was not being my authentic self throughout my life. Now I’m scared of feeling vulnerable because I know how others see it as being weak. The last thing I want to be is weak. But just them telling me I’m weak does not make me weak. We have to stop caring what others think of us. And responding to that because it is not our gift to people.

    Its hard to give the gift of true authentic feminine energy. It breaks down the barriers that society has gotten us in. Me depending on a man goes against everything I’ve been taught. I’m scared to now trust that it can really be simple. Giving myself and them that gift feels like I take something away from them, that now I want to be taken care of. I don’t have all the answers and I’m scared of getting stuck in a place where I don’t know how to get out of.

    So I’m all over the place. I don’t feel like my man trusts me much because of this. And I hate it. As much as I try to be authentic it kills me that it means I’m needy. Not the strong woman I want to be. So I don’t know what it all means. He had told me that I expect too much of him and he gets nothing back. Like the snow shovelling that he wanted me to do. He says that I act like a princess. So I don’t do snow shovelling but he gets treated well I think otherwise. He gets massages and love. And he is always looking for ways I may be blaming him. Like if I am smiling, am I actually laughing at him.

    I think and I hope, that if I stay true to my core and not deviate he will come to the conclusion that I can be trusted. That I can trust myself. I want to do this. I just want to get rid of this awful voice that is telling me that I’m wrong. I so hope it goes away.

    I hope I’m making sense. I’m having an emotional day.

    • JB


    • Karma

      Joan, we have been programmed to hate our true nature and our vulnerability. The world tries to reinforce that daily. Don’t cheat your inner girl out of another day of joy and laughter no matter who tells you to grow up and put your jeans on. Your souls health, your intuition is your motivation and guide. Be wild, raw and scrupulously YOU!

  • Bianca

    I just want to thank you renee for the enlightenment. It really helps. I am a young 21 year old woman experiencing some changes both good and bad both internal and external. My question to you is how can I continue to work on expressing my feminity on a daily basis?

  • Sad

    Yes, this is really quite sad to read as I feel totally lost and confused at a soul level.

    I just know what to think anymore and the more I figure it out, the more rapidly confused I feel.

    I’m reading all this and I’m thinking, what?!?, what am I suppose to do when my inner messages conflict all the time. I feel a human yo-yo stuck in limbo :-/.

    Definitely I have rejected my feminine side and I feel too conditioned from as far back I can remember so this is the only thing I know – I’m the recipient of characterlogical low self esteem, that means my core foundations are of nothing value.

    I’m scheduled for CBT, but I know that this rejection of my feminine side is just as much trouble as my faulty thinking.

    I keep randomly crying and thats because I keep changing my mind more rapidly than I can find my path and direction in life, so I’m trying to figure out what I am suppose to do in life…

    Maybe now is the wrong time decide as I’m too mentally unstable atm.

    However, I do wish I could be in touch with my feminine soon. I just feel lost at the moment. I don’t know what I have to do.

    I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what to think about anything. I hope time will tell.

    P.s, Renee, I know you might never, but it would be really helpful if you could create an e-book/program just on what feminine is how to follow the path of an authentic woman.

    I know you probably do stuff in your other programs but I feel so confused, such as I have no idea how to formulate an idea on how to be an authentic feminine woman.

    I don’t feel myself to have a feminine role model and I’ve only known this way off thinking because this is all I’ve known.

    I could join the feminine woman attraction triggers/understanding men soon, but I DON’T need or want to know how men think at the moment, I don’t want to be more attractive to the opposite sex atm, because I don’t feel mentally well or stable so it would only do so much good.

    What I do want is to feel well and have mental stability before I can even thinking about wanting to meet men, because it wouldn’t be stable for myself or my daughter, no more than it would be good for a man with a broken leg to fight in a boxing match. Lol 😀

    Well he could try but I should imagine it wouldn’t be a very nice or comfortable experience for him to behave in ways that does his broken leg injustice.

    Personally I feel if someones mind is fucked up then it affects every other area in life.

    Actually, forget the man fighting in boxing with a broken leg, imagine him trying to fight in a boxing match if he’s been in major accident and that he will never be able to work again, he is also became impotent at the same time.

    I don’t know men but if that isn’t enough to make a man feel deflated and then to have to conjure up then energy and enthusiasm to get in a boxing ring with a champion boxer then I don’t know what else deflates men.

    But anyway as I was saying before lost on track. If their is ever a chance of you creating a feminine book on then I’m the first on board!

    I know this might not happen but I wanted to put the thought out because I’m sick of never asking people questions, I’m sick of not stating what I want weather I get what I want or not. You know what, I’m not a human problem so I need to stop treating myself as one because it’s one of the core elements that has been detrimental to my feminine energy.

    • Renee Wade

      hey Sad, often confusion is a sign of progress. It’s not a bad sign but a hopeful sign. Now to develop the par of yourself that is good at giving the confused inner parts of you some strong direction and guidance.

      Alternatively, you could attract a man who could do that for you.

      you are doing well.

  • Joan

    You know, I can’t understand why the church doesn’t teach this stuff. I’ve been a churchgoing woman all my life, still something was missing, and now I am reading stuff that has been true to my heart all along.

    It feels very close to my heart. I once dated a man who would challenge me, to try to teach me to suck it up. Boo hoo, I’m really a big sucky. Friends would say he is good for me, as I needed to grow up. I ended it with him, as it didn’t feel right in my body. I felt it in my body.

    Now, I am in a relationship, and I had told him I like to help hauling in wood from the bush. He never asked my to, I volunteered. I guess I was trying to impress him, stupid I was then. Well a stupid mistake. I was sore and bruised and tired after 2 hours. What was I thinking? Well, some women like that, not me. I don’t like being around men when the language and behaviour is not to my liking. Some women can chug beer along with the men. Not me.

    It was the worst 2 hours of my life! Now, I do the things I want to do while he does the wood with his friends. I no longer reject myself.

  • Oliver J R Cooper

    Hello Renee,

    great write up. This is full of important points and it empowers woman to embrace who they are and not who they have been told to be.

    All the best,


  • Camilla

    If society discourages and disrespects femininity, then doesn’t it make sense that most men prefer less feminine women for long term relationships?

  • http://MSN Julie

    This is an excellent article. At my age of 56 I am still trying to learn to be more feminine. If you were to look at me you would think that I am definitely feminine because I look the part, however life has made me a very strong woman as well. I have always prided myself in being strong. Taking care of myself and my children. Not really needing a man, I thought…. Yes I can do most anything myself and have, however it really has not been much fun if I think about it.

    When I let my guard down and let a man take care of me I have found that it feels really good!
    I am working more and more everyday to let more of my feminine side come out more and to relax that masculine side. It feels good to be and act like a feminine woman. Men really do like that side of me. It gives them a reason to feel masculine. Men like competition, however they do not like to compete being masculine with a woman. That is a HUGE turn off for them. No wonder they walk away. They want to be who they are meant to be and that is someone who can take care of a woman they way God intended and made them to be.

    Again, I remind myself everyday, and work to be more feminine, which really is a lot of fun if you just let it flow.