Stop Doing the Right Thing

Here’s one wrong thing I might do: Not tell my husband or partner I cheated on him. There’s an argument to be made for locking it in a pandora’s box somewhere deep inside of yourself and keeping it there. Maybe you only did it once and you know you won’t do it again. Honesty is a good thing to a point and it’s really a judgment call where you draw the line.

Once I forgot my mother’s birthday, called the next day, and pretended I thought it was her birthday that day – whoops, got the date mixed up. If I had of told her I forgot, it would have hurt her feelings and there really wasn’t any benefit in doing that, so I lied. Normally I’m a very honest person. But there are times that honesty might be questioned.

As for the affair, being honest and telling the husband would be terribly hurtful. Honest, yes, but hurtful. Locking it up inside keeps him ignorant and happy. I know it’s a really fine line and definitely iffy but you know a lot of people tell their spouses about their affair because they want to get it off their chests, they can’t live with the guilt. If that’s the only reason to tell your spouse you cheated, I’d rather just suffer the guilt. The only reason to be honest about something like that is if you are being honest to benefit the spouse, not yourself. Anyway, very controversial no doubt but that’s how I see it at this point in my life.

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Maybe I haven’t been so loving as I would like to think. It’s so hard to push fear aside though. It creeps and then it hits like a bolder and hurts yourself and your loved one. I’m always scared to say the wrong thing to my man. I try to speak it, but it never comes out right and he runs away. I just wish I could explain things to him in a way that he’ll stay. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I’m so scared that he’ll run off I stumble on what to say. I’m trying to be authentic but I find it almost impossible to express how I feel without blaming, and my intentions are not to blame him. Our last fight, he thinks I’m blaming him and I tried to tell him that he misunderstood me and he told me he understood me perfectly and walked away. I think he was really upset about it because I never seen him look at me the way he did after our fight. He looked hurt, really hurt. I’m glad I wrote this because now I’m starting to understand something. Funny how ranting helps huh?

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I feel that it is possible to do the wrong thing if coming from a place of love (For example, parents overindulging their children because they love them so much and can’t say no). But generally I think that you’re more likely to behave in the best possible way when coming from a place of fearlessness and love. But I think that it is exeptionally difficult to be aware of our motives, or to find the loving/trusting part of ourselves and act/respond honestly from that alone. It’s so easy to fool ourselves and convince ourselves that we’re doing something out of loving motives when actually we’re doing things out of fear motives. It’s also hard to break habits and learned behaviours about behaviour- many of us are taught that being “in control” or “right” or “safe” is more important (than being authentic,loving, and self-giving). Even if we’re not told this in so many words, the actions of our peers and role models reinforce this idea.
I also wonder about the idea of behaving out of love as contrasted with being authentic. If someone makes me angry and I punch them in the nose, becasue that’s my first reaction, am I being authentic? What about if I tell them just how angry I am and what a so-and-so they are? What if I Scowl and mutter under my breath? What if I tell them what they’ve done has made me angry and ask them to please stop? What if I say nothing and put up with it? What if I say nothing, because I’m out of touch with myself, but then later realise that it bothered me? What if I know them well enough to know that they weren’t trying to hurt my and so I let it go, or even try to comfort them knowing that they’re upset about something? Which of these are the “best”? the “most authentic”? the “most loving”?

I guess being really in tune with the self is really vital for this. But being really in tune with the other person- the one that we’re trying to interact with- is also really vital. I guess a lot of it is releasing preconcieved notions of “how to” behave and being responsive. But perhaps waiting before responding? Or checking whether our response has to do with them, or with our feelings about them and their feelings?

I feel like I’m asking more questions than I’m answering here… good topic.

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Renee Reply:
February 4th, 2011 at 9:07 pm

Hey D,
Thanks for your intelligent and thoughtful comment.
You’ve brought up some really good points.

Firstly, your point about parents over-indulging their children out of love – I’m going to pick a term you used: “love them so much and they can’t say no”. They key part here is ‘can’t say no’.

Why? Why can’t they say no? Is over-indulging a child really something that’s done out of care? A lot of parents fear losing their child’s love, or perceive that by over-indulging them. they get their connection needs met faster/more often/more deeply.

Does that make sense?

Caring isn’t about not being able to say no or being over-indulging. That’s why I have thrown so many questions in to this post. I want people think about it and discuss. It’s not an easy topic.

However, you’ve really hit the nail on the head by saying that it’s hard to overcome our own ingrained patterns. It’s not impossible, but it’s definitely hard.

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Ah, ethics! Few things drive the human race into more consternation than confusion as regards what is right or wrong. Your post hit the nail on the head when it comes to the murky quandries we can find ourselves in. In order to judge what is right and what is wrong requires adherence to moral standards, and an absolute understanding of *why* those standards define what is right and wrong, and these standards must stand on their own, objectively.

We live in an age of “moral relatavism” and “situational ethics”, but what that has led to is an erosion of morality and ethics, and the triumph of evil over good. This is because people are basing decisions on what “feels” good instead of what *is* good. So–before we can determine what course of action is good in of itself, we must first confront the question of what do we base our standards upon, and is that foundation a worthy one? Until that question is settled, any discusion of ethics is pointless, just as it would be pointless to build a found without laying the foundation. First things must come first.

Once you have grappled with the foundation of your beliefs, then you move on the questions of it application–which requires perspective, prioritization, the ability (and willingness) to reason, and ultimately the will to act. To do these things also requires a good grasp of language. Words have meaning, and when properly applied–power. Misusing words contributes to a decline of ethical behavior. For instance–the spouse who tolerates infidelity and stays in a marriage “for the children” because “that’s the right thing to do”. This person doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “right”; consequently, the person in question cannot make decision about the future of the marriage based upon their ethics because they destoryed the foundation upon which they found make that choice. All because of failure to understand a basic word and its meaning!

Ethics and morality are vital aspects of life–and far from refusing to grapple with the question, now more than ever we all desperately need to learn the difference between right and wrong and live life accordingly.

Ayn Rand wrote extensively on ethical matters, and the basis for her thoughts. Recently I have been reading “The Virtue of Selfishness” and it is well worth a read. It discusses how altruism ultimately leads to self-destruction, but selfishness (taking care of one’s self and one’s affairs) leads to life. It has been enlightening to read and I highly reccomend it!

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I am not sure if you can use stealing money and stoning a woman and compare that to having a talk with a man. The right man would want you to be authentic and speak your own mind. He would appreciate your input too as long as you are not trying to show him you are better than him. Although the female and male brains are different, we are not that different when it comes to common sense. It’s how you say it rather than what you say. A man would feel criticized at first but the right man would notice that’s just his gut reaction playing tricks on his mind, and then take a deep breath and listen to what you have to say. A man would receive you better if you talk in a more neutral tone, and in a logical manner. That means no exaggerating, blaming and shaming, and going around in circles.

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Renee Reply:
February 3rd, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Hi Janice,
The point of this post is to indicate that what is right and what is wrong is almost entirely based on perception.
It doesn’t matter how ‘unrelated’ the points, the point is this: you can always end up ‘doing the wrong thing’ if you’re trying to do the right thing.
However, here’s the question: can you do the wrong thing if you choose to do the caring thing?

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i remember somewhere in harry potter, it is said …
it takes a lot to stand up to our enemies, it takes much more to stand up to our friends

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Renee Reply:
February 1st, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Wow, P. That’s a very powerful statement. Thank You for sharing! I hope your thesis is coming along well.

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P Reply:
February 1st, 2011 at 6:02 pm

lah lah lah …

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Men & women aren’t different as they used to be. And the majority of women seem to like the prospect of a unisex world – except for one nagging problem: many of today’s men, mysteriously, lack a special vibrancy, vitality, gusto, pride that we once recognized as distinctively masculine. Much is being said among women today about the dearth of vital men – We hear about all the wonderful, dynamic women who have emerged in every field But, frequently, whatever the age of woman she says, ‘ The men seem so dull & grey now. They are dreary, they’re flat.

As reluctant as feminists might be to admit it, there is compelling evidence that men need a clearly defined difference between the sexes. Every human culture, until the late 20th century, has provided such a difference, creating an elaborate & often arbitrary contrast between men’s & women’s activities, dress & behaviour.

In her 1949 classic, Male & Female, anthropologist Margaret Mead says there is only one biologicaly based constant: women’s role in all societies includes the bearing, nursing & primary care of children. Otherwise, almost anything goes – as long as it goes one way for women & the other for men.

In every known human society, the male’s need for achievement can be recognized, Men may cook, or weave, or dress dolls, or hunt hummingbirds, but if such activities are appropriate occupations of men then the whole society votes them as important. When the same occupations are performed by women, they are regarded as less important. In a great number of societies men’s sureness of their sex role is tied up with their right, or ability, to practise some activity that women are not allowed to practise. Their maleness, in fact, has to be underwritten by preventing women from entering some field or performing some feat.

It is this kind of exclusion of women that modern society no longer accepts. We recognize the injustice – to society & women – of barring women’s talents from any field of endeavour. But we have not recognized the genuine needs of men that lay behind that exclusion. Men’s need to have a role clearly distinguished from women’s can be traced to three fundamental differences between boys & girls:

1. A baby boy is different from his mother. As an infant boy begins to be aware that he is a separate individual from his mother, he must also learn that he is not like her. He must find out that he is a male….not female. The boy must turn away from his mother to find himself. And in doing so, he needs to turn towards images of maleness that are powerful & attractive enough to compensate for his mother’s enormous power over him. The boy’s need to differentiate himself from his mother has consequences for adult relationships.

2. Men can’t have babies. To a small boy as to primitive tribesman, child-bearing is a supremely awesome achievement. He can’t do it & girls can, & he needs to know that when he grows up he will be able to do something just as important that women can’t do. Since this will have to be cultural, not biological, it is something he will have to do, rather than something he must merely wait for, as a girl waits to grow up & become a mother. Hence, the importance of achievement to men: it is, in a sense, all they have for self-definition. When women, who have something so important & fulfilling to fall back on, compete for achievement with men, it can seem unfair. if a woman can do everything a man can do & have babies, what use is a man?

Fatherhood at its most involved is not the same as motherhood. Women need to allow men something equivalent, something uniquely theirs – if not an activity, then at least a quality, a style, a way of being that the culture honors as specifically masculine & that women admire, but refrain from emulating.

3. Most males are more muscular & aggressive than most females. This is a biological difference that most cultures have used as the raw material for a unique male role. it is a difference that shows up early in childhood. Boys engage in more rough- & – tumble play than their sisters, while the verbal & social skills of girls are more highly developed at an early age. Many researchers believe that these differences are programmed into a boy baby by the male hormone testosterone. Most boys grow up with strength that markedly exceeds that of most girls. it is important that young male has a biologically given need to prove himself as a physical individual & that in past the hunt & warfare have provided the most common means of such validation. Since hunting & war served the survival of earlier societies, these activities were honored, & provided a basis for men to feel pride in themselves as men. But today, hunting broadly understood as the exploitation of nature, & a war threaten survival.

A man needs a woman who will affirm his masculine power, enjoy it, enhance it & get something from it, rather than envy it & try to destroy it.

Some of the classic expression of male power can be integrated into the compassionate man For example:

Fighting. Every man needs to know that he has the courage to defend his wife, his children, his house, his integrity & ideals. This deep knowledge is different from insecurity that drives some men to look for a fight. But to acquire that knowledge, most males need to find out that they can win a fist-fight or climb a mountain. Once that confidence is established, it takes the form of a fearless relish in the thought of fighting to defend what is dear.

Sports. Athletics are rituals enactments of territorial defense through physical prowess. As such, they are harmless celebrations of masculine capacities that helped our species survive. They make men feel good about being men.

Gallantry. When a man open a door for a woman, he is making a symbolic statement that his superior physical strength will be used to assist & protect, not harm. Apart from their sexual anatomy, greater muscular strength is men’s unique human possession. They should be allowed to use it in a particularly masculine form of support.

To these classic expression of masculinity we need to add two new qualities that men have learnt in the past decade: the capacity to be friends & colleagues with women – & to have truly open, loving friendships with other men. There is an enormous overlap between the sexes. If each sex brings to these qualities a different style & a special flavor, it can only make all of us richer.

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Ive learned that you can still love someone even if youre not in a relationship with them. No circomestances can change that espcially if its coming from an honest place without the ego interfering.

It is an eye opener to see how much difference it makes when you act from the heart. To answer youre question, there will be no fear or doubt to do the right thing if its about wishing the best for the other person.

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