How to Deal With Loneliness
Loneliness is not something that strikes the poor, unpopular, or unattractive. Loneliness is a feeling. It’s not a situation. Being alone is a situation. Feeling lonely – or, feeling alone is an emotion anyone can feel, regardless of their social or family life, and regardless of fame or lack thereof.
It’s so important for women to feel connected. If you don’t feel connected, it’s going to be hard for you – or any feminine woman for that matter – to feel feminine and radiant. (read my article about how to be feminine)
Often, when you feel lonely, it can feel embarrassing. As if you’re unpopular, unwanted, dumb, always wrong or ugly. Some people even justify their loneliness with being too beautiful or successful, as if no-one can be around them because people are too jealous of them. The truth is that we have – all of us – felt lonely before in our life. I have. I know all my friends and family have. I know people who read this blog have felt this way.
Dealing with Loneliness
[B]efore I talk about how to deal with the feeling of loneliness, it’s more useful to know why we feel lonely.We can justify it with all sorts of reasons. For example, that ‘they’ haven’t done enough for us. He or she treated us badly. ‘He’ commandeers all our time.
Nobody cares. No-one cared enough.
Or we could blame ourselves. We could say we’re too stupid, too old, too goofy or nerdy, that we never know how to converse with people in social situations, that we always say stupid things, that no-one understands us or that we always say or do the wrong thing. No-one seems to have interests in common with you.
None of it puts you in a better state and none of that – blaming ourselves or others – helps at all. It never will.
So why do we actually feel lonely? Where does this feeling of loneliness and (perhaps accompanied by) depression come from? There are two main reasons you feel lonely.
1) The belief that other people don’t have our best intentions in mind. Believing that people are bad, or that you cannot trust anyone; and
2) The feeling that we are not connected. Not connected to others or ourselves, and the feeling that we cannot connect.
You can be very alone; you could even be a hermit and still not feel alone, or feel lonely, because you feel you have the ability to connect at any time.
How can that be? I mean, we all know most people haven’t cared enough or know people who prefer to exclude others. It’s hard for most people to find people who truly care. Hell, even family can care little – or less than people who are not members of our family. And it can be even worse when you want to follow your heart, and your family just wants you to do things the way they want you to do it!
Sometimes the people we thought cared contribute to us feeling like we are fools for ever thinking they cared. So, don’t we have a right to feel lonely? And isn’t it just a feeling that’s a result of the truth?
Well – it is and it isn’t.
If you have an underlying belief that people don’t care, and that people would rather step all over you, or that you don’t have the capacity to connect with others or be on their wavelength, you’re naturally not going to be open to friendships and new social situations, and people pick that up, even if only subconsciously. Most of us just don’t really know that we’re harboring this terrible belief that people are out to get us – and it creates a blockage between you and other human beings. (read my article about why people fail at connecting)
Obviously this is contextual. You don’t want to assume people have your best intentions in mind when walking alone down an alley way at 3 am in the morning.
How to overcome the feeling of loneliness
[S]o, to stop feeling lonely as soon as possible, ask yourself this question, and ask it every time you do feel lonely:
What do I value more?
1) My feeling of loneliness – and defending that feeling; or
2) Creating a beautiful connection with myself and other human beings that will make both them and myself feel loved and happy?
If you value your feeling of loneliness, you most likely value it because you perceive that it meets your needs better, and likely also because that’s what you’ve always done, so it feels safe. (read my article about mediocre women and negativity)
If you value connecting with others, inspiring yourself and others, you will focus on what you can do to get yourself out of that situation, because one thing is for sure – this affects more than just you. If you feel connected, loved and able to trust others – then it’s likely that 1,2,3,4, 8, 10 or more other people will also feel connected, because YOU are. If you’re connected, it’s likely that someone else also feels connected, and then you’re inspiring and inspired. Then you’re connected and you won’t feel lonely.
If you feel lonely, and choose to always sit around entertaining that feeling (we’ve all done it before), then not only are you neglecting to give yourself a gift, you’re also neglecting others who need you. Many people out there are just waiting to meet a caring friend.
This is not to say don’t feel lonely. You need to feel, and allow yourself to fully feel. But allowing yourself to feel is different to feeling and doing nothing about it.
You are a lot more social, courageous, lovable, charming and energetic than you think or feel, at any given time.
However, this all takes courage. It’s all about overcoming fear and valuing your sense of connection more than your feeling of loneliness. If you like the certainty of loneliness, then do loneliness.
If you love others, and you truly care about yourself and other people – do what it takes to do connected. Instead of doing loneliness.
How to feel connected
[T]he second reason for feeling lonely was a lack of general feeling of connectedness – or a feeling that you are unable to connect with others and/or yourself.
If you have this feeling, here is how you can start to feel connected, and re-energize yourself so that you can feel feminine, loving and loved. There are three ways:
1) Other people
2) Other living things/animals and yourself (feeling for yourself).
3) Memories. Memories of feeling connected and loved. (remembering back to a time when you did feel connected and loved, and drawing inspirations and energy from that to help you feel that it’s possible).
A little anecdote
[I]n my life, I’ve dealt with (and are still dealing with) a few women (especially older women) who have pushed everyone away from them because they insisted that everybody was an ‘outsider’. Even if they desperately wanted to open their heart – and have it opened by someone, they couldn’t, because no matter how much anyone did for them or felt for them, they refused to see or believe it. They see things that aren’t there. And they interpret blatant acts of authentic caring from others as ‘they want something’ or ‘it’s just some sick joke trying to fool me in to trusting again’.
So, when you next feel lonely, remember that there ARE people who have your best intentions in mind out there somewhere, and more importantly, that you will inspire that intention in others you never thought would have it if you do it first yourself.
Over to you now, What do you value more? Connection or loneliness?