How to Deal With Loneliness

How to Deal with Loneliness

How to Deal With Loneliness

Loneliness is not something that strikes the poor, unpopular, or unattractive. Loneliness is a feeling. It’s not a situation. Being alone is a situation. Feeling lonely – or, feeling alone is an emotion anyone can feel, regardless of their social or family life, and regardless of fame or lack thereof.

It’s so important for women to feel connected. If you don’t feel connected, it’s going to be hard for you – or any feminine woman for that matter – to feel feminine and radiant. (read my article about how to be feminine)

Often, when you feel lonely, it can feel embarrassing. As if you’re unpopular, unwanted, dumb, always wrong or ugly. Some people even justify their loneliness with being too beautiful or successful, as if no-one can be around them because people are too jealous of them. The truth is that we have – all of us – felt lonely before in our life. I have. I know all my friends and family have. I know people who read this blog have felt this way.

Dealing with Loneliness

[B]efore I talk about how to deal with the feeling of loneliness, it’s more useful to know why we feel lonely.We can justify it with all sorts of reasons. For example, that ‘they’ haven’t done enough for us. He or she treated us badly. ‘He’ commandeers all our time.

Nobody cares. No-one cared enough.

Or we could blame ourselves. We could say we’re too stupid, too old, too goofy or nerdy, that we never know how to converse with people in social situations, that we always say stupid things, that no-one understands us or that we always say or do the wrong thing. No-one seems to have interests in common with you.

None of it puts you in a better state and none of that – blaming ourselves or others – helps at all. It never will.

So why do we actually feel lonely? Where does this feeling of loneliness and (perhaps accompanied by) depression come from? There are two main reasons you feel lonely.

1) The belief that other people don’t have our best intentions in mind. Believing that people are bad, or that you cannot trust anyone; and

2) The feeling that we are not connected. Not connected to others or ourselves, and the feeling that we cannot connect.

You can be very alone; you could even be a hermit and still not feel alone, or feel lonely, because you feel you have the ability to connect at any time.

How can that be? I mean, we all know most people haven’t cared enough or know people who prefer to exclude others. It’s hard for most people to find people who truly care. Hell, even family can care little – or less than people who are not members of our family. And it can be even worse when you want to follow your heart, and your family just wants you to do things the way they want you to do it!

Sometimes the people we thought cared contribute to us feeling like we are fools for ever thinking they cared. So, don’t we have a right to feel lonely? And isn’t it just a feeling that’s a result of the truth?

Well – it is and it isn’t.

If you have an underlying belief that people don’t care, and that people would rather step all over you, or that you don’t have the capacity to connect with others or be on their wavelength, you’re naturally not going to be open to friendships and new social situations, and people pick that up, even if only subconsciously. Most of us just don’t really know that we’re harboring this terrible belief that people are out to get us – and it creates a blockage between you and other human beings. (read my article about why people fail at connecting)

Obviously this is contextual. You don’t want to assume people have your best intentions in mind when walking alone down an alley way at 3 am in the morning.

How to overcome the feeling of loneliness

[S]o, to stop feeling lonely as soon as possible, ask yourself this question, and ask it every time you do feel lonely:

What do I value more?

1) My feeling of loneliness – and defending that feeling; or

2) Creating a beautiful connection with myself and other human beings that will make both them and myself feel loved and happy?

If you value your feeling of loneliness, you most likely value it because you perceive that it meets your needs better, and likely also because that’s what you’ve always done, so it feels safe. (read my article about mediocre women and negativity)

If you value connecting with others, inspiring yourself and others, you will focus on what you can do to get yourself out of that situation, because one thing is for sure – this affects more than just you. If you feel connected, loved and able to trust others – then it’s likely that 1,2,3,4, 8, 10 or more other people will also feel connected, because YOU are. If you’re connected, it’s likely that someone else also feels connected, and then you’re inspiring and inspired. Then you’re connected and you won’t feel lonely.

If you feel lonely, and choose to always sit around entertaining that feeling (we’ve all done it before), then not only are you neglecting to give yourself a gift, you’re also neglecting others who need you. Many people out there are just waiting to meet a caring friend.

This is not to say don’t feel lonely. You need to feel, and allow yourself to fully feel. But allowing yourself to feel is different to feeling and doing nothing about it.

You are a lot more social, courageous, lovable, charming and energetic than you think or feel, at any given time.

However, this all takes courage. It’s all about overcoming fear and valuing your sense of connection more than your feeling of loneliness. If you like the certainty of loneliness, then do loneliness.

If you love others, and you truly care about yourself and other people – do what it takes to do connected. Instead of doing loneliness.

How to feel connected

[T]he second reason for feeling lonely was a lack of general feeling of connectedness – or a feeling that you are unable to connect with others and/or yourself.

If you have this feeling, here is how you can start to feel connected, and re-energize yourself so that you can feel feminine, loving and loved. There are three ways:

1) Other people

2) Other living things/animals and yourself (feeling for yourself).

3) Memories. Memories of feeling connected and loved. (remembering back to a time when you did feel connected and loved, and drawing inspirations and energy from that to help you feel that it’s possible).

A little anecdote

[I]n my life, I’ve dealt with (and are still dealing with) a few women (especially older women) who have pushed everyone away from them because they insisted that everybody was an ‘outsider’. Even if they desperately wanted to open their heart – and have it opened by someone, they couldn’t, because no matter how much anyone did for them or felt for them, they refused to see or believe it. They see things that aren’t there. And they interpret blatant acts of authentic caring from others as ‘they want something’ or ‘it’s just some sick joke trying to fool me in to trusting again’.

So, when you next feel lonely, remember that there ARE people who have your best intentions in mind out there somewhere, and more importantly, that you will inspire that intention in others you never thought would have it if you do it first yourself.

Over to you now, What do you value more? Connection or loneliness? :)

 

Renee the feminine woman

30 Comments

  • Sandy

    Reply Reply February 19, 2014

    68 years of age, no children, and my husband passed away in April 2011. I miss him terribly!! I live in a small community and seems like everybody has their own things going on. There isn’t anyone to go out to eat with or go see a movie with. I have a close friend, but she has a husband and can’t always do things with me. Instead of trying to move forward since my husband’s passing I feel like I’m standing still and I know he would want me to live my life. I don’t sit and cry like I did when I first lost him, but my heart feels heavy most days. The weekends are the worst for me!! I have asked God to help me find a solution and I must trust that He will.

  • Michael

    Reply Reply April 11, 2013

    Cool, I was trying to work these things out, but couldn’t arrive at an answer myself, its interesting to read this, because it makes the answer obvious in hindsight, especially the ‘how to feel connected’ part, I stopped believing that I had anything in common with anyone, and even though I didn’t want to believe that, I just couldn’t find an alternative. Its funny, because all it takes is probably just a few acts of kindness, but for me at least, loneliness created hatred towards others, at least reading this gives a starting point, it feels ‘unfair’ to be nice to a world that (you believe) hates you, but maybe I just need to stop being stubborn?

  • J AY SAYS

    Reply Reply December 8, 2012

    loneliness is certainly no fun at all these days, especially after a divorce. men are the much weaker sex when it comes to being alone, and women are not. i am a straight man that had been married at one time myself, and i was a very caring and loving husband that never mistreated her at all. now finding true love again is very hard now for me, and finding that good old fashion woman like our mom’s were is very extremely hard today.

    • Denise

      Reply Reply February 5, 2013

      J AY -

      What you said is not entirely true. Women suffer from loneliness too, because I am one of them. And as far as finding a woman that is old-fashioned like your mom is not extremely hard today, because I am one of them. I just have been hurt over and over by abusive men. I hope you find someone to make you happy and resolve your loneliness. Take care, Denise

  • carolztee

    Reply Reply September 17, 2012

    i have a whole bunch of people around me all the time. i can never find myself to open up to them because im the one everyone confides in and i feel when i want to confide in someone its not relevent. its nice to read that im not the only lonely woman out in this busy world.

  • Penny Smith

    Reply Reply May 7, 2012

    I am lonely very lonely and feel unwanted ever since my husband passed away in May 2011. He was my rock, a person who cared very much for me and practically did every thing for me. He could never see me feel ill at any time and would immediately ensure that I got to see a Doc and took my medicines regularly. Today, I feel totally lost, shattered and lonely. My husband is irrereplacable and much as I try to dwell on other aspects of life, am not able to. I try to venture into a hobby like painting, skeetching, scrapbooking, but nothing seems to happen. The worst….I feel my grown up children also are so aloof….perhaps they are dealing with the loss of their father in their own way. My friends live so far away. Guess I will somehow have to try and come out of this miserable situation. But believe me, without your partner life can be so terribly lonely.

    • Jim

      Reply Reply December 10, 2012

      Dear Penny,
      I feel so sorry for you. I hope you are feeling somewhat better since you submitted your comment. I think your post is a positive move and it shows your willingness to reach out. I lost my wife fairly recently and have found it consoling to find a pen-pal. Because this is so new to me I felt as though I was cheating and a sense of guilt, although irrational, was only trumped by dread of loneliness. Please try reaching out in small increments–friends first with someone, then when that is established, hopefully something more will come of it. No one can replace our lost loves but love is still out there somewhere for you. I wish you the best.

  • mishell mziyabantu

    Reply Reply November 22, 2011

    i aprciat ths piece..yah 4sho i cn nw ovacm my lonelns gn gt cnctd

  • Q Babe

    Reply Reply November 19, 2011

    I typed ‘I’m lonely’ in Google search box and it brought me to your post. I guess it is a normal feeling for someone to feel a little bit of lonely sometimes. Therefore, to have some close friends and close family members to talk to when you are feeling down is very important. If you don’t know who to talk to when you needed someone to listen to you, you will tend to do something out of your mind. This is why there are a lot of people who unexpectedly hang themselves to death believing that that’s the only way. First step is always difficult but I did it anyway. I hope other lonely people out there will do the same too.

  • Roopa.R Gowda

    Reply Reply May 26, 2011

    superb really nw i’m relaxed……….:)

  • janet

    Reply Reply February 25, 2011

    Is there anyone out there with some man advice for a 50yo female? I am really suffering…..

    • Ravi H

      Reply Reply April 5, 2011

      Hi Renee,

      Great article. I am a guy, moved to a new city, decided to be friends with a lovely woman whom I was dating in my last city, carry her love in my heart but this is what’s best for us right now. And going through waves of loneliness. I like your article, especially Dalai Lama quote by Ella. I have been focusing on another quote with similar meaning which goes something like this: “When I went out to find a friend, I found none. When I went out to be a friend, I met many!”. And yet it is a challenge everyday! But life is a challenge anyway. Why not accept it and work on winning it instead of feeling miserable about ourselves. That’s how I try and motivate myself!

      Another reason I feel lonely is due to lack of connection w/ myself and my purpose in life. The more I connect with my purpose, the more I feel my life is creating value and the more I feel better about my situation!

      @Janet: Please feel free to reach me via ravi.hasija@gmail.com. I will remove the email address from the comment section in a few days. So hopefully you see it and I be able to help you in any way I can.

      A messenger of peace and love,
      Struggling in life, but I will win,

      Ravi H.

      • Roopa.R Gowda

        Reply Reply May 26, 2011

        hi ravi really it’s nice quote no 1 s der to motivate me so i need gud frnd if u lyk my frndshp roopa.r90@gmail.com

  • Julie

    Reply Reply February 20, 2011

    feeling this way is so hard. I know that the only way to get myself out of the mood is to go out and be around people. to connect and interact face to face. That in itself is so hard to do when you feel that low. Its also so worth it to make yourself do it.

  • masaleen

    Reply Reply January 19, 2011

    Renee,

    Thank you so much for this post. When I saw the title, I wasn’t sure if I felt like reading it at the moment. But when I started, I realized it’s exactly what I need now – I’ve been feeling very lonely the past few days, and having a hard time connecting to my new coworkers, and not knowing exactly why. I still don’t exactly know why I’ve been so closed and distrusting recently, but I’m really struggling with it and was just thinking I NEED to get some advice on this!! I need to change!!

    Shyness and a fear of opening up has been an issue for me since painful family drama a few years ago, and I know it will take courage to become the open, loving woman I want to be; but this article is so helpful and inspiring, so thank you. It’s just what I needed.

  • JP

    Reply Reply January 17, 2011

    Great Post… lonliness can sneak up on you even when things are going right. I have realized that even if my romantic relationship is right on track and going well, I can still get lonely bc I need several meaningful connections to feel fulfilled. I need to connect with not just family but my friends too. I’ve felt some distance lately from several of my close friends… and it’s easy to feel sorry for yourself and get angry for their “neglect”…but it is best to keep trusting people and to keep making the effort. If in the end the friendship does end then you’ll know you did your part to keep it alive.

  • k

    Reply Reply January 17, 2011

    lovely article I got aha
    I am not sure what feeling I should feel
    as I do not felt many of them
    I agree with Blair past sometimes is not that good to feel.
    and I like….. what you want connectedness or lonelines question
    thanx

  • zigma pluto

    Reply Reply January 14, 2011

    Dear Renee
    Happy new year.
    I really appreciate the way you presented this important topic, with a touch of reality, as always!Lonliness is such a common problem, and as soon as I read it, I felt like I too can write an entire book on the topic. here is what i think-
    Lonliness can be of two types
    Natural and unnatural.
    Natural lonliness- it is seen in people who are bought up in nuclear families, single child, children of people who live with limited contact with society, artists and writers who need a lot of down time to let their creative juices flowing, scientists involved in imp research ect. these people are conditioned to enjoy their own company better than being in social situations. they do not feel lonely, but instead feel uncomfortable in other people’s company. Although they live in their own individuality, they may feel lonely at times, thinking nobody understands them or relate to them
    Unnatural lonliness
    These are people who were gregarious by nature, but life put them in situations where they were forced to live a lonely life. examples
    highly succesfull career women who want a family badly but are way past their marriage age
    young adults whose parents limited contact with them or disowned them because they are mad at their children for something they did.
    spouses of people who suffer from physical or mental disabilities.
    people who developed the fear of life after experiencing some major trauma
    young mothers
    young mothers who gave up their ambitious career to raise families
    people who are surrounded by family members who are hostile, indifferent, untrusting.
    Some of us find ourselves in one of these difficult situations, especially after midlife, and some may even find themselves in even more than one difficult situation at a given time!
    The second type of lonliness hurts more. “why me?” is the question these people keep on asking. the more they try to accept things and move on, the more they feel like nothing works.Eventually they may become spiritual, which further alienates them from the society, as people look at them as if they are crazy.
    the best advice Renee gave was, to keep on trusting people, to believe that they do care.
    Sometimes, it works, sometimes it makes us fall flat on our face all over again.
    Well, this is life for us, I guess.It is still better to make that extra effort all the time, rather than to stay closed at all times.
    Zigma

    • Renee

      Reply Reply January 17, 2011

      Thank You Zigma Pluto for your thoughtful comment. I enjoyed reading it. Many of us feel lonely. It’s ironic, I know, since we have more strategies to connect than ever, and the world population is greater than ever. That just tells you something, doesn’t it!
      xoxoxoxoxo

  • Reem

    Reply Reply January 12, 2011

    Great article, i like my own company and dont feel lonely at all. Until i met this bf, for the first time i feel soo alone.

    Maybe cuz i have expectations, although we live in the same rented room. I start feeling lonely as soon as he enters it. I’d rather be by myself than see someone just do his own things as if im not there.

  • Jackie

    Reply Reply January 10, 2011

    Hi all
    I am one of those older women who does not have any female friends. Over the past 20 years, I’ve had supposedly 3 friends. I drifted apart from one friend. (This was a mutual ‘drifting’). Another one said she never wanted to speak to me again without ever telling me what I did to deserve such exclusion. The last one threw me under the bus to garner attention for herself, not once or twice, but 6 times! I thought forgiveness was in order so I kept forgiving her until the last time. That was it. I told my husband, I’ll be cultivating friendships with guys from now on because they’re a heck of a lot easier to get along with!

    I think a lot of the problems with women’s behavior originate in feminism and bullying. Feminism is not freeing; it puts a woman in bondage. We are also raising a generation of female bullies. I see it at work with the women being hired. Just look at the sports young girls are encouraged to play: lacrosse, football, wrestling, and boxing! It’s truly very sad. If you think women are lonely, check out the blog “Boycott American Women”. Men are not only lonely, they’re angry and hurt. This is why Renee’s website is so important. I know it has helped me to become a better woman for my man and the men I work with.

    I would love to have a female friend but I don’t know that I’m willing to take another chance at this point in my life.

  • Helena

    Reply Reply January 10, 2011

    I used to be very friendly and energetic, yet quite blind to others’ mistakes before and people started using me. I guess that’s when I started closing up.

    It’s just so hard – how can you be connected and at the same time not overly naive? I don’t want to be used and yet I can’t take that loneliness any more:(

    • Renee

      Reply Reply January 11, 2011

      Hey Helena, Ella left a lovely comment and quote from the Dalai Lama (above). Perhaps you might find that helpful?

      I don’t really believe in people using us. We set our boundaries and we decide how to be treated. Did you let them treat you in a less that satisfactory way because of a fear of losing the friendship, perhaps?

  • Jocelyn

    Reply Reply January 10, 2011

    Great article! browsed through many of your other ones as well!

    I think loneliness definately strikes during the post-breakup phase, and well January seems to be national breakup month, myself included :(

    I have a suggestion for a new topic, Renee. Something about the “no contact rule” that i hear so much about when it comes to how to deal with an ex. Does it really work to make a man miss you? The theory is that if you want your ex to consider the option of getting back together with you, you MUST limit all contact for atleast a month or two, to get him to MISS you. I half agree, but also wonder if that will make it harder for him (and you) to re-establish contact later.

    The 2 conflicting theories of “distance makes the heart grow fonder”, and “out of sight, out of mind” are constantly at war with eachother! I dont know which is more accurate *sigh

    Just a topic that has been circulating among my now-single girlfriends, i thought other women out there reading up on your site may have similar concerns…

    Be well xo

    • Renee

      Reply Reply January 11, 2011

      Hey Jocelyn,

      Thanks for your comment and kind compliments.
      You are very articulate and sounds lovely. I’m sorry for your current situation :(

      I have heard of the no contact rule. Thank You for your post suggestion. I may do it some time in the future. However, in the meantime, you can e-mail me to speak further about your situation.

      Renee.

      -XxX-

  • John Holbrook

    Reply Reply January 10, 2011

    Dear Renee:

    The cause of my loneliness is probably self induced. I cannot openly be the person I want to be outside my own home. Since I lost my best friend, lover, and wife of thirty years to a brain aneurysm that took her life in 2008, I feel like a ship without a rudder.

    Of all that we shared over the years, she was extremely supportave and encouraging when I confessd one day that I loved wearing her bra’s,panties, garter belts, and nylon stockings. It was her idea to shop online together for plus sizes and we acquired quite a wardrobe of lingerie, and fashions for us both. We used to play dress up after the kids were asleep, and it added an eliment of excitement to our sex life. It would be so wonderful to find another woman that compassionate and understanding. My life would then be complete.

    Please know that I have no desire to change my gender, or to pass myself off as a woman. I do not wear a wig, or makeup. I am simply more comfortable in a skirt and top, or a dress than in a suit and tie. Now that I am retired, I can wear my lingerie and dresses every day. Unfortunately, only around the house. My kids are grown and on their own now, so I don’t have to worry about them discovering my secret. As much as I would like to, I cannot go out in public dressed as a woman.

    After having read stories of other men who have the same inclinations, I was encouraged to get up the nerve to go to Macy’s to get fitted for a bra. I have a half dozen and none of them fit properly. So I am calling today for an appointment to get fitted. I’ll let you know how that goes.

    I have enjoyed your articles and have gained some measure of the feminine psyche, in addition to what my loving wife exposed me to for so many years. Very enlightening and insightful. Keep up the good work.

    Thanks for listening.

    John

  • Ella

    Reply Reply January 10, 2011

    There’s a perfect quote from the Dalai Lama, which might help others overcome feelings of loneliness/isolation also:

    “People often expect the other person to respond first in a positive way, instead of taking the initiative to create that possibility. I feel that’s wrong; it can act as a barrier that just promotes a feeling of isolation from others. To overcome feelings of isolation and loneliness, your underlying attitude makes a tremendous difference – approaching others with the thought of compassion in your mind is the best way.”

    xoxox

  • Blaire

    Reply Reply January 9, 2011

    By the way love your blog!!!!

  • Blaire

    Reply Reply January 9, 2011

    I think that past hurts can cause someone to want to be alone as well. That I believe is a huge part of it. People had something tramatic happen in a previous situation and have a hard time letting go. Personally I can agree with your blog as well it is scary to connect sometimes. Especially if someone feels very insecure. I think insecurities play a huge role in isolation as well. I love the fact that you highlight having a relationship with yourself first. Because as I read somewhere else you have to be able to look yourself in the eye before you go to bed. You have to take responsibilities for your own life. So you must be happy with yourself. You and only you can make decisions and you will face the consequences. So it is important to build you own self confidence and to be able to depend on you. In order to be an asset to yourself and anyone else. So I think to make a long story short. You touched on a part of it. But not the whole picture.

    • Ellen

      Reply Reply April 22, 2011

      Blaire

      i like your comment .. yeah .. you’ve got to be able to look into your eye and be happy and yes.. past sad experiences that you feel were unfair and had no closure also affect.

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