Men and Dirty Socks
Before I knew my man was a man and not a woman, I used to be upset by my man leaving his dirty socks on the floor. I was confused when I noticed that his idea of cleaning the house was equivalent to half my ideal level of cleanliness (if that).
I really thought perhaps he was just a person with ‘untidy’ habits. Well, yes, he would be…….if he was a woman.
Some time ago, when I first started this blog 12 months earlier, I published an article on reasons to be feminine, and somehow got on to how I love the fact that my man leaves his dirty socks on the floor. A few lovely and respected readers responded to me saying that they like the article, but that the just could not agree with that because they didn’t feel that they should NOT expect an “adult” to NOT pick up after themselves.
Fine.
But here’s the thing: adult is not the right word to use here. This is still measuring a man’s behavior with a feminine ruler. The fact is that men will be men. They are hunters by nature, and mostly could not care less about DETAILS (unless their job requires it, or they’ve been conditioned otherwise). Noticing details is in the female nature.
They’re not leaving their dirty socks on the floor repeatedly to piss you off, and they’re not doing it because they’re not as ‘proper’ as you, or not as ‘responsible’ an adult as you are. They’re doing it because it is not in the male species – the male nature to take note of details.
I realized this after I asked time and time again for my man to please vacuum the corners of the house as well as the main parts when he was doing the vacuuming (which was very rare an occasion, as I preferred to do this myself) – I wondered why he just couldn’t do that. Even after I asked. Then I realized I simply could never expect that of him, and why should I? I choose to be with a man, not with a hairy woman.
If your man doesn’t seem to “respect” your rules for cleanliness -it’s not because he doesn’t love you. Or because he’s lazy. It’s because he’s doing what comes naturally to him. The more you insist he do things your way, the more depolarized you with both become in your relationship.
Your man is more focused on the outcome of his work, his mission(s) in life and his golf game. He’s more concerned about keeping score, providing, feeling like he can provide, making sure he won’t let you down in a way he feels no man should let a woman down, and getting your love than with your rules for cleanliness. If he wasn’t, you wouldn’t be with him.
Men mostly work in modes. The majority of women work in the flow (even though they can also work in modes if it’s required). Men will do what it takes to get the job at hand done (IF he sees the point in it!!), but he can’t do the dishes, think about a problem at work, talk on the phone and mind a 3 year old at the same time like we ladies can.
For men it’s work. Or relax. Work. Or relax. It’s not this, this, that, and that, plus this, as well as this. And that.
So (newsflash), he’s most likely not going to care about the dirty socks on the floor (or in any other uncouth locations) until it becomes urgent or important – for example: until he doesn’t have any more clean socks to wear: and then the mission becomes this: find all the dirty socks, and wash them so he can wear them for work, or golf on Saturday morning.
And if you still insist that he follow certain ‘cleaning rules’ in the house, my question to you is this:
What do you value more? Your relationship, or having it your way?
I’m not saying men should just be able to trash a house. That’s not the point. The point is that if your man does this, it’s not because he’s just a lazy person. Some men do value cleaning. In which case, you’ll find some other issue other than dirty socks which might bother you. And this doesn’t mean that men don’t appreciate a clean house to live in. It’s just that it’s likely he won’t value cleaning as much as you do.
I know it sounds crazy but I feel affection for my man when I see his dirty socks on the floor. I love him too much to get nasty over 10 seconds worth of extra effort of mine to deal with something that only comes naturally to him. Over time and through your leading example, you’ll notice that he’ll also celebrate the things you do naturally as a woman that initially drove him crazy.
You know, it IS possible to laugh about the things that once made you cry, or made you angry. Do you think your relationship is worth that?
And Get Free Advice and Action Steps to Attract Emotionally Mature Men, Have Him Effortlessly & Deeply Commit to You, and Have a Passionate Relationship that Others Envy.
Tags: men and dirty socks, men dirty socks, men's psychology, men's values, mens socks, understanding men
Leave A Reply (34 comments So Far)
Comment Rules: Be Cool and No bashing anyone! We're all entitled to our opinions, and any stupid comments will be deleted.
Jamie
This just made my blood boil. I got flasbacks of living with my ex and tripping over his crap, boots, tools, filthy socks, wet towels when I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I would alternate between asking nicely and nagging him to pick up after himself until the resentment built up and I flew into a rage where I would put everything into a garbage bag and give it to him to deal with. At the time, I was working longer hours than he was, so why should I have to do MORE WORK when I get home?
Picking up after a man is one thing if he supports me financially, then he deserves to relax when he gets home. But if we both work full-time and I’m expected to contribute my fair share, why should I get stuck with all the housework? I’m tired too. It’s not fair.
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A.
It’s not always men that have dirty socks. My ex picked up after me and kept his closet color coordinated, took two showers per day, and was generally … well, not as messy as me. I’m the one that wasn’t phased by socks on the floor, not him. Let me tell you. I found *zero* issues with it. His breath was lovely. We lived together for 3 years and the man never smelled bad. This is a *good* thing!!
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Ruta
It’s funny because my man is the tidy one, most of the time. I like being tidy but I am very creative so I find it hard to have an immaculate room. But my boyfriend is very precise, loves vacuuming, and has particular ways of doing things. He is from South America and his mother made sure he pulled his weight around the house so perhaps that’s a factor. But cleanliness and tidiness can be in line with masculinity, as men are also proud of their territories and like control over them. My boyfriend is very masculine indeed, but would never live in a mess!
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sarah
I like how you often highlight the differences between masculine/feminine. There are not the same! Even though I know that….I often don’t REALLY KNOW it because the culture I grew up in is driven by hard lining feminists who insist that men should be more like women.
The reason that feminine women love men is because we are drawn to their masculine nature.
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Basia
Hi All,
I have recently found this blog when looking for stuff about femininity and haven’t read all the entries yet but those that I have I find really interesting and refreshing. I am so glad that there are women who still want to be feminine in the world of feminists…In relation to the latest entry on ‘dirty socks’ I agree with Renee completely and I think only a woman who has invested some time in self-development and self-growth will be able to rise above the ‘dirty socks’ issue and value her man for what he is and not pick on him for little things. Great entries Renee and I am sure I have found your website to serve me as a next stepping stone on my self-growth path to meet my perfect man! Thank you
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Renee Reply:
December 14th, 2010 at 3:42 am
Hey Basia, welcome to the blog!
Thanks for your comment and kind words.
Good luck and merry x mas!
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B
Stamped with agreement!! esp “What do you value more? Your relationship, or having it your way?”
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P
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
sorry Renee i am now in the final stage of whatever i am doing [which u know] so am totally absorbed … will write to you more afterwards ( i feel i am writing crypts here ) Anyway, i have dirty socks all around too! but usually one or two pair, sorry … [ but i have good excuses ... ]
Merry christmas too
have lots of snow here …
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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P Reply:
December 10th, 2010 at 6:17 pm
P:
( i am talking to myself )
to clarify, they are my dirty socks ( even clean ones … )
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P
Hello, just to stop by to say hello! i have been a silent reader
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Renee Reply:
December 10th, 2010 at 5:48 pm
Oh P!! I’ve missed you, haven’t heard from you in so long! Thanks for dropping by and hope you have a lovely Christmas!
-XxX-
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Princess Fuschia
Nah…..or he probably is just plain LAZY and maybe he is used to his mum picking up his socks after him or nagging him during his formative years…. learned helplessness??!!
He is more than CAPABLE of lifting his dirty socks and putting in the washer… afterall – isn’t that what he did when he woo’d you and invited you over to his sparkling clean home??? Remember those days when he used to impress you?? And was it a man who invented the sock anyway?? If he doesn’t want to pick up his dirty socks and wash them – it’s probably because you’re nagging him and sound like his mother…. who really knows… I’m sure he doesn’t think too deeply about sock dropping….
Point is – everyone has a different standard of hygiene and cleanliness and it isn’t gender biased. Love isn’t a doormat either for them to drop their dirty socks on. If you pick up and wash his socks out of love and not expecting any praise for it – that’s great! If it goes against your values and persistently irritates you…. then there’s no point fooling yourself into making excuses for him… you just have to suck it up – after all you picked him – for better or worse so you just have to accept him for who he is – or should have checked that out before you married him if it was on your non-negotiable list…
Studies have revealed that it can take less than a month to form a habit. It’s up to them if they want to form this new clean habit…. but it can be done! Don’t give your man credit where it’s not due….. he’s got to want to pick up his filthy socks bc he loves and respects himself! and you
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Ruthie
Interesting post and Comments……………
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Kira
I know what you mean about that. I was reading this blog about a woman being annoyed at this habit her husband had of leaving chip crumbs in the bottom of a bag while he opened a new bag. She complained about finishing it off while watching him devour whole chips.(She didn’t like being wasteful). Anyway, it wasn’t something to be so upset about. I told her to simply pour the crumbs in the new bag. Therefore, she wasn’t being wasteful and she could enjoy the good chips along with him. She could also try only buying one bag of chips at a time therefore he’d finish all of it.
My man has his habits, It’s easier and a lot more fun to find ways to make the situation better for me, not to mention, it strikes his interest on why I do the things I do.
As far as the dirty socks go, simply take all his clean ones away and hide them! Just kidding on that one.
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Renee
No-one has to pick up after their boyfriend all the time. I’m not saying anyone has to do anything.
I’m also not saying grin and bear it, for that is – on a scale of 1-10 about a 1 in effectiveness, authenticity and sincerity as a way to deal with a problem. If you grin and bear it, in fact, it makes the relationship worse…and creates ENABAs.
This is the point:
What do you value more?
- The Passion in your relationship?
- or Having to be RIGHT?
What ever you value you will act accordingly. Neither are wrong, it’s just a choice only you can make.
It’s a question that applies to situations other than dirty socks on the floor because some men do pick up their dirty socks. Perhaps if they do you may be annoyed by his habit of not hearing you or responding to you when he’s reading the paper or watching sports or something like that (who knows)
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Masaleen
Great post Renee! I think it’s simple, Don’t sweat the small stuff. I think any woman who makes a BIG deal over a man leaving dirty sock around needs to chill a little…that being said, for women bothered by it, she should do everything she can (in a VERY feminine, patient way) to help him him understand that he’d be speaking her love language if he DID pick them up. But if nothing works, then she should either accept him, or leave him. You can’t be with a man you don’t accept, or won’t try your absolute best to accept; whom you’re set out to “polish”. It’ll make both so miserable.
…In the end though, is there ANY man in the world who won’t have at least a few annoying qualities you’ll have to learn to accept, to live with? If it’s not dirty socks it’s something else! So if you’re with a really great guy, but he has some annoying habits, learn to sweat it even if it’s hard at first. It’ll improve your character, anyway.That being said, I totally understand Jen’s point of view as far as how women sometimes bend over backwards for men, but don’t expect men to, for them. Or that when they do, it’s somehow offensive. Huh? When did men being courteous and wanting to please women become undesirable? So I get you, Jen. Still, I feel like women too often hold back taking care of their men because of this belief that he’ll depreciate her, take advantage of her, feel superior, etc. I think this is often wrong…sincere acts of love really move men. And isn’t being a good person all about doing the nice thing first, without thinking what you’re going to get? A relationship is all about unselfish love. Of course, it’ll still only be a so-so relationship if the man doesn’t feel a desire to make his woman happy, the way she does for him. This happens when he’s not in love with her.
I’m not even sure where this went anymore, but I think I made most of the points I wanted to..
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Catherine
Sorry about the name typo – using an iPhone.
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Catheribe
I have a question Renee !
In what way does this change the polarization in the relationship ?
I am very lucky, my fiancé does these things himself, his mother taught him to be responsible for his mess. Now of course occaisionally he forgets – just like I do :p and I
won’t go ending our relationship, or get in a fight over something like this.
That said, I don’t grasp how it is a feminine thing. Normally i get your posts, but this one I don’t. Please explain to my silly brain :p
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Farrah
I’m coming in for Jen’s defense here and wanted to say that I agree with her
She’s not wholly refuting what any of you have said, but is simply expressing her own view. I didn’t find any discrepiencies in her words and she seems to be onto something. At the end of the day, it’s a matter of what makes both you and your partner happy and content in your relationship <3
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zigma pluto
Whatever I wanted to say has already been said by Lisa, Ella and Melissa. I understand where Renee is coming from, and I totally agree with her. I have been a dictating woman in past, and now I am feminine and submissive, and I admit latter is more natural and fun!
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Masaleen Reply:
December 7th, 2010 at 9:07 pm
What a nice attitude!
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ella
jen i appreciate your view but i think you are missing the point of this article. Its all about shifting your way of thinking..considering things from a different angle. This whole website is designed by renee to do that, as almost all of us think the same thoughts everyday. Its not about compliancy or putting up with ‘annoying’ behaviours. Theyre annoying only if u think theyre annoying, and if u dont think they are..this doesnt make u a pushover. I suggest u take some time to consider it a bit more
If a man were to pick his socks up simply to please me..instinctively i would find that a turn off. A man should be a man and should not change himself just to make a woman happy, he should be loved and accepted the way he is.
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Jen Reply:
December 7th, 2010 at 1:51 pm
Honestly, I do understand where you’re coming from, and like I said before, if it doesn’t bother you, great, go with it. Some women just want more, and to say that it would necessarily depolarize their relationships is wrong. I totally agree that men should be men, but I don’t believe at all that men trying to please women is a turn-off. It’s called courting and maintaining courtship, and I find it tragic that so few women seem to expect it these days. They bend over backwards for their men and don’t really hold them to a high standard. Men value that which is difficult to obtain and about which he has some uncertainty about keeping. Not all, but most women would rather be treated like a princess than a laundress–and being put on a pedestal is not such a bad thing
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Lisa
Melissa,
Please re-read my post. I acknowledged both posts. This why I believe (and state) balance and your man’s response is important.
I would like to believe that most of us are mature and know ourselves well enough to realize what is acceptable and what our deal breakers are. Picking up socks may be a huge thing to one woman while it is petty/small thing to you. With that it goes back to my original response – balance and response.
Best wishes.
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Melissa
I don’t think her point was about meeting halfway or being a ‘mom’ rather than a girlfriend. Her point was that there are women who worry about the ‘small stuff’ and let that get in the way of a flourishing relationship.
If my boyfriend treats me with the upmost respect and shows that he loves me unequivocally, then the little things like dirty socks aren’t going to bother me. Really, does it take much to pick up socks? Some guys don’t have attention to detail. I know I don’t. I don’t consider myself an immature sloppy woman-child because I don’t attend to minor details.
It’s all in compromising and ACCEPTING people for who they are. If you cannot accept the fact that your boyfriend cannot pick up his socks (or insert annoying habit here), for God’s sake, get yourself someone else. Me, I don’t get worried about small stuff like that. That’s probably why a year and a half later, my boyfriend and I are still madly in love and try to make EACH OTHER happy. We live in the moment. What I love about him is that he accepts that I’m HUMAN and make mistakes…and we owe this to our sig others as well
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Renee Reply:
December 10th, 2010 at 5:51 pm
Thanks Melissa, I think your personal story illustrates my point further.
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Lisa
Understanding Renee and Jen’s point of views, I believe it is important to distinguish the line between being your man’s girlfriend/significant other and being his mom. Balance and his response to your request is very important.
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Jen
Women have to do many things that may not come naturally to us in order to maintain a relationship. I understand your point, but I don’t think it’s unfair to expect men to meet us halfway on some things, nor is it fair to apply these concepts to men and women across the board, when a lot of men may be willing to do more for their girlfriends than your boyfriend appears to be willing to do for you. It’s cute that you get such a kick out of picking up his dirty socks, and continue by all means if it gives you a thrill, but ladies, don’t think you have to settle for a sloppy man-child when there are men out there who would be willing to do those little things just because it makes you happy–without, I may add, any loss of masculinity. It all depends on what kind of woman you are and how much sass and spunk you have. Most men who are secure in their manhood are not at all averse to feminine sass and spunk
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Jess Reply:
December 7th, 2010 at 1:07 pm
tacky and classless.
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Jen Reply:
December 7th, 2010 at 1:18 pm
LOL, and I suppose that sticking someone with those two adjectives is the epitome of dignity and class? It’s Renee’s right to air her opinions on her blog, but as she has enabled comments, it’s also my right to respond to them. I find most of her articles extremely insightful and helpful, but it seemed that this one was instructing women to “smile and take it” rather than negotiate for what they really want or be the kind of woman who would naturally inspire a man to exhibit pleasing behaviors.
Argue with points, not adjectives.
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Jess Reply:
December 7th, 2010 at 1:22 pm
No less classy than attacking someone’s personal relationship.
Jen Reply:
December 7th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Good gracious. When I said “a lot of men may be willing to do more for their girlfriends than your boyfriend appears to be willing to do for you,” I was talking about doing things around the house, which I believe is what this whole article is about. Whether he does more for her in other areas I can’t say, and if she’s fine with him leaving dirty clothes around for her to pick up, great! My whole point was that not all men are like that, and even if it’s their “natural” impulse, if you’re the right kind of woman, they can school themselves into a different behavior. You’re certainly quick to take offense on Renee’s behalf
Renee Reply:
December 8th, 2010 at 8:12 pm
As one of my loyal and intelligent readers, I would have thought that you’d noticed that my point wasn’t about meeting anyone halfway. But maybe I didn’t put my point forth clearly enough.
I never encourage women to “compromise” in their relationships, but to further understand men & women and relationships. A compromised relationship is not a passionate relationship. I’ve written articles that indicate this….you can have a read if you want, they’re on the blog.
If you have read the entire post (up above), you probably would have read that I actually stated clearly that some men value cleaning. There are a lot of them out there. My man loves to clean at times.
As for your thoughts that I’m being unfair in applying the concepts and generalizing about women and men across the board… Actually – I stated clearly there are men who are exceptions. You would probably know by now that I advocate finding exceptions, I clearly express that there are exceptions (you can read other articles on the blog to find this out if you want)….in fact, I wrote an entire post ‘how to solve a relationship problem‘ about the fact that there are very few absolute truths in the world.
But this post wasn’t truly about men cleaning nor was it about dirty socks. It was about understanding men. Seriously, whether a man picks up his dirty socks or not, has little to do with the amount of passion in his relationship.
As I wrote in the post…if it wasn’t dirty socks, many women would find something else to be bothered about.
One important thing: this term you use – “man-child” and warn women off them….surprises me! Considering you are a reader of this blog about femininity, and claim that most my articles are helpful. No-one here, including myself is holier than thou, SO…I encourage all women to acknowledge that there is a little boy (or a child) in every man and a little girl (or a child) in every woman.
As for the ‘thrill’ you mention I get from picking up dirty socks – sure, I run around the house bursting with stars and cream, picking up my man’s dirty socks. It’s absolutely thrilling and orgasmic. Hahahaha. It makes me grateful to know that I have a man in the house. (It used to upset me once upon a time…but that’s another story)
The dirty socks story is just a metaphor…it’s an example….it’s a situation. An example the lends to one of my MAIN POINTS -
which is to understand men being men. I’m not making you wrong, but you might have been having a bad day…..maybe something happened, I don’t know…(maybe just past bad associations and/or sensitive to the topic)…(nightmares about evil socks)….but I wasn’t trying to make anybody wrong. And I certainly wasn’t wanting women to compromise.
After all, don’t you have to agree that a compromised relationship is not a passionate relationship? (passionate to the max*)
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Jen Reply:
December 8th, 2010 at 9:17 pm
I hardly ever have the nightmare about the evil socks anymore–it ceased after years of therapy
I think a lot of women (and some women who have left comments) understand where I’m coming from. The subject of men picking up after themselves can be touchy, because a lot, frankly, do not, and as a woman it can be very frustrating to come home after work to a house that was clean when you left it and is now trashed or cluttered up by your man. It becomes less about letting him be a man, which I’m perfectly willing to do, and more about his level of respect for you and your lives together. I understand that the socks are a metaphor, and we all do have irritating habits that are perhaps partially a product of our gender, but what I’m trying to say is that asking a man to refine some of his “manly ways” will not depolarize your relationship, if done correctly. Many men belch and pass gas when alone, but they wouldn’t do it in front of a woman they respected and
adored. It’s not a compromise if the woman isn’t nagging about it, but rather making it a hurdle to get to the prize. And we ladies are, after all, the prize
I’m definitely not saying that you shouldn’t do things for your man if you think that your relationship would be compromised if you required him to do them himself. This is just another way to think about it for the women who may not have the time/energy/inclination to pick up after their significant others.
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