There’s no Such Thing as a Home-wrecker

Yes, Renee, there is such a thing as a home-wrecker. There are women and men out there who will relentlessly pursue married people, pull out all the stops, and find a way to wear a weak spouse down to the point of stepping over the line. Some of them make it a hobby. They do it over and over, leaving a trail of confused, unhappy affair partners and betrayed spouses in their wake. Because once they do their damage to an intact marriage and family, they typically move on. It is the ” thrill of the kill” for them.

Frank Pittman, M.D. calls women who do this “Spider Women” and indicates that it isn’t always clear whether the Spider Woman covets what the wife has or just wants to make the wife miserable.

Everyone is subject to temptation, and the one who is most smug about being on solid ground proclaiming staunchly that, “I’d never do that,” or “My spouse would never do that because s/he has always been faithful and is such a good person and I show my appreciation all the time,” is the one who falls the hardest or gets hit the hardest when it happens in their lives. Further, I have seen this happen to some of the most loving, sweet, “feminine” wives a man could ever desire.

There is NEVER a good reason for infidelity…only excuses, and husbands (or wives) who “indulge” themselves in infidelity have personal problems of a significant nature that affect their ability to have true intimacy with anyone. Their problems are their own….and in no way the responsibility of the betrayed spouse, EVER under ANY. circumstances.

And for you to imply that one spouse can “affair proof” a marriage strains credulity. Read the late Dr. Shirley Glass if you want confirmation of what I am saying.. She presents an excellent case that affairs happen often in GOOD marriages.

Everyone needs to be loving, considerate, kind, and respectful of his or her spouse, but an obnoxious marital partner is STILL no excuse for an affair. If aspects of one’s marriage frustrate one, s/he needs to be honest and articulate discontent to the spouse, specifying gently but clearly what needs improvement in the marriage. If the situation is physically abusive or financially disastrous because of emotional maladjustment, irresponsibility or addiction on the part of one partner the offended partner needs to leave and pull his/her life together…making it clear that there will be no return unless significant behavior changes are made and demonstrated for long enough to prove serious intent to save the marriage. All having an extramarital affair does is complicate things immensely and cause great damage.

Men are notorious for not leaving marriages that they find mundane and boring until they have found a “soft landing,”in the form of another woman. Men in their late 40s and older who abruptly drop the bomb on an unsuspecting wife (some call it Midlife Crisis, I call it “lust crazed dementia”) who has been a good enough wife for 30 or 40 years are a prime example. They invariably have someone younger…or just different..waiting in the wings to share that wealth that he AND his wife achieved. It is sickening and is NOT caused by the wife. The cheating husband does not want to expend the emotiona energy to correct what he percieves as flaws (typically hugely exaggerated once he has become an adulterer and must self-justify) in the existant marriage. Men are frequently “emotionally retarded” as Frank Pittman calls it and simply do not want to understand women because it requires effort and actually considering the woman an equal partner.

Other interesting information provided by Dr. Pittman? In his career (marriage and family counseling) he discovered that many more women that not leave a long term marriage because they are tired of being taken for granted and more often than not infidelity is not a driving factor for a woman to leave. He noted that in his experience it is too frequently just the opposite with men and that almost without fail when a man suddenly bolts from a long term marriage there is infidelity involved.

Dr. Pittman also made the astute observations that, “Marriage is not supposed to make you happy; it is supposed to make you married.” [ie. that each of us is responsble for our own personal happiness and should not blame the spouse or marriage for issues that are not resolvable by ANY marriage no matter how divine it is Hell, people expect marriage to bring world peace and cure all cancer. It is burdened down with extraneous loads..and we have been conditioned by Hollywood to expect it to be sunshine and roses for eternity once the rings go on the fingers. What naive stupidity. Marriage is hard work under the best of circumstances and requires people of character who will swim a river of shit to honor their commitments and prove their integrity

… and (my favorite) “Bad marriages do not cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.”

You, Renee, can continue to proliferate what I consider to be sappy pablum…which reinforces Patriarchy and leads women to believe that they are somehow responsible for the personality problems, character flaws, and bad behavior of their spouses.

The facts ARE that we cannot control the behavior of others..influence it-YES; control with certitude-NO…. nor are we responsible when they behave with a lack of integrity or honor. It is a character defect within the cheater which makes him or her cheat…and affairees (other women and other men) are just as defective in character …or perhaps more so if they are chronic philanderers who habitually target married people.

Yes indeed there are “homewreckers” of both sexes. And NO amount of self-improvement on the part of a potentially betrayed spouse or an already betrayed spouse can correct the defective internal mechanisms of cheaters.

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I agree with you John. It takes a certain level of spiritual growth and human maturity to resist temptations and or show compassion and forgive in order to stay in a long term relationship. Just as religion was used to condemn adulterers in the past and keep people from acting on their animal instincts, since religion is no longer respected as it once was, then the legal system should be used. On the one hand, I think that… But on the other hand, I believe that not cheating and being enlightened enough to handle a long term relationship is earned .. Through mistakes… I learned a lot of mistakes growing up… But the reality of it is that few people will actually learn and know this do that’s why government could be helpful at instigating punishment for “relationship wrong doers”.. Sorry about the circular thinking, I am a female

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It’s true that usually, an affair will not happen if a relationship is strong at the time. But the reality is that people are imperfect. Sometimes we get little support from extended family and pour all our energy into children or work and have little space, money and time left to reconnect. But society should be supporting people who take the plunge of commitment, not forgiving and condoning selfish acts or short-sighted acts and blaming the partners. All long marriages go through rough periods. Long marriages only exist because someone didn’t do the wrong thing at a vulnerable time (or if they did, weren’t discovered or were forgiven). To expect people to perfectly satisfy their partner at all times is unrealistic. That’s why people make vows and society was supposed to help enforce those vows. Society should attach moral, if not legal, censure to those who break the vows of commitment.

But of course, we shouldn’t take our partner for granted because they have made vows to us. Not because we fear they’ll stray. Because we want to enjoy every day we are lucky enough to have them near.

It’s not either-or: Take responsibilty for your relationship AND society should censure adulterers.

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I havent read all the comments yet but have already read some of them, with very angry women so I guess my opinion about home-wreckers will be hated lol but I don’t mind.
I do think that every woman feeling an intense attraction for a man, like she can’t get him out of her head and feels she wants to be with him, regardless of his marital status or situation is RIGHT to try to seduce him.
Actually, plenty of intense and long-lasting relationships are born from a temporary extra-marital affair. Just look at Alicia Keys , Angelina Jolie and maybe even Rachel Weisz… Their current husbands were already with another woman, or like Rachel they were themselves with another man…they were called bitch, evil or whatever you want but they are now married with kids or soon will. This proves that it wasnt just for the fun to steal a man to another woman or to cheat, but just that they were deeply attracted by the man no matter what and that well, it seems they were finally supposed to be together anyway…
The fact is that how Renee said it in her articles and/or in her monthly program, you can’t control attraction, you just can’t. I mean if you feel it, you can’t stop it. You can control it to make it happen or grow but you can’t make it stop and just go ahead if you feel it.
If your man is encline to cheat on you it’s that there is not enough attraction between you and him and you should have worked on it, because you know how when you’re deeply and intensively attracted to someone you just don’t see others around, like you can’t be attracted to someone else!
Attraction is a storm, a hurricane. No matter how many kids you have and what youve been through together, if your husband feels intense attraction to another woman and she feels it too, you can’t stop that. So you better work on the attraction you share with him so he cant even feel it to another one, he can just find her beautiful and nice, but not more.
No need to hate the homewrecker because except if she’s part of your friends, she just doesnt owe you anything ! Really, you have to understand that, she doesnt owe you anything !! She just owes herself her own happiness. Only your husband owes you something, only him is commited to you and made you promises. So if you have to be mad at someone it’s only at him and eventually at you.
The homewrecker just shows you indirectly the weakness and lack of attraction in your relationship…she also has strong feelings, desires and she would be stupid not to try to live them. Because finally she doesnt put a knife on the throat of your husband to sleep with her, it’s finally up to him. She’s just attracted and he responds or not to this attraction …

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CoCo Reply:
May 8th, 2013 at 7:44 am

You are absolutely correct! There are many men who have never been faithful to any woman that they’ve been in a relationship with. Then when caught, their women want to investigate the alleged “other woman” and go for her jugular. No ma’am! If you want to investigate, then investigate YOUR MAN! Find out what kind of guy he REALLY IS! Also, what many women fail to realize (or accept), is that when their men cheat on them, it’s usually not just with one person and even if their men do “come clean” and confess, RARELY, do they tell the whole truth. And they will almost always make it seem as though the “other woman” was coming on to him. LIARS AND COWARDS are what these men are. If you as his wife or girlfriend choose to believe him and come for the “other woman”, then the joke is on YOU because HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU AGAIN, and you deserve what you get. Sounds harsh, but oh well.

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11 month after D day.. Everything still feels raw, and the mood swings send my head into a spin. Also, going through a frightening mid-life crisis. Our three children are growing up, 6, 11 and 13, lost our family dog, and our marriage fell apart. His affair is over but he is silent over things, and I am hurt all the time. It could be a good day that would turn totally upside down by a song on the radio, a feeling or an image in my head, and send me spinning. Everything is different.. Also, he cut off ties with his family bc they were trying to talk sense into him, and telling stuff about her that he did not want to hear. The kids’ birthdays, Christmas and all holidays are lonely and confusing bc I need to chose between him or the rest of the family. It is isolating and so sad.. very lonely and confusing a friend of mine introduce me to AJAGBOTEMPLE he was the man that help me bring back my husband what easy can i have done without he,contact he today if you are passing through hell in your relationship.Email he at ajagbotemple@gmail.com…

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So my boyfriend has this 30 “good friend” he met during our break up. At first she seemed harmless but the the fact she asks him to ask me about taking her 10 yr old son to school where he picks him up 45 mins away and back from Mon-Fri put me in an uncomfortable position. I said yes to help her son out with her situation to not be taken to court since she was supposed to let her ex (child’s father) know 6 months in advance she is moving with her son. Her ex feels my bf is the only guy he can trust with their son. I’ve spoken to her and she says my bf is like her little brother to him and he’s a great influence to her son. Personally I don’t think that is normal at all PLUS ***she had asked my bf if she shld date another ex she had. Obviously my bf has that much trust to tell me and he does feel he isn’t doing anything wrong. But That made me exremely uncomfortable because I feel she shld know what she’s doing at her age and makes me feel she has other intentions towards my bf. my bf reassured me there’s nothing more than friendship and he wouldn’t talk to her if she attempts more than friendship he wouldn’t ever hurt me in that manner but it had happened before where I warned about another woman as his friend and it caused us our other break up and once we broke up she attempted to date him where he admitted i was right and never spoke to her again. He’s a big heart and is always ready to help others he always gives me attention and love so I trust him but I don’t trust her and I want to tell her I feel she is not giving us our space as a couple and she is being inappropriate. He tells me he sees her like his other guy friends he treats her as such. He has other gfs who are always respectful to me and keep their distance. But this one makes me extremely uneased and I get a bad gut sick feeling. I don’t want to break his friendship for me but I wish he cld see what I see.

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I almost was the other woman. A married man who is part of a group in which I renewed my participation 2 1/2 years ago started “noticing” me right away. At every event, when his wife was not there, he made it silently clear that he was interested in me. I looked back at him with curiosity, but had no intention of doing anything about my attraction to him. At one event, in July 2011, I introduced my husband to his wife and to him, and KNEW that was IT. I KNEW that it would settle into friendship. I kept telling myself that. Last year, things heated up when we were sat next to each other for a banquet (Dec.2011). Neither of our spouses was there and since he helped with set up, he had to know that I had been seated next to him. I almost fell out of my seat when he sat down next to me. We hit it off immediately and I never felt so happy or comfortable talking to a man that I was attracted to. (I had been unhappy in my marriage, and I was aware of it, but I didn’t know until a few months later when the situation with the other man exploded, that I needed to have some serious conversations with my husband, figure out what was wrong, and contemplate divorce. The main problems were lack of satisfying sex, and lack of fun. If I’d truly known what was wrong, I’d have worked with my husband and demanded a solution, like I have recently, and never would have “flirted” with another woman’s husband.) Over the next few months, the other man and I had some more fun moments & I was thinking more and more about doing it. But when he became more intense, I became frightened and ashamed and finally shut it off. Staying away from him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life, and he made his disappointment very clear, but I held to my moral code. I can’t even explain all of the emotional, psychological, and physical feelings and problems I had as a direct result of being so turned on (turned back on) and so “happy”. I never even did anything more “wrong” than some slight flirting a few times, but I got the rush and the addicted feelings that only a lusty affair can bring on. The guilt and shame were suffocating. If I’d slept with him, it would have been A LOT of fun, but I would have felt like the whore of the century & I would not have been able to end it or accept him ending it. I feel badly enough as it is. His wife, who I’ve never really spoken to, recently found out some of what happened. I know because of the way she looked at me at an event in January & by how she and one of her friends (who obviously knows some of what happened also) have treated me since. That friend of hers looks at me like I’m a home wrecking whore and no longer speaks to me. I’m dealing with my problems in my marriage. I’ve recently discovered that my husband is emotionally unavailable and may be borderline Asperger’s. These issues explain so many of the problems in my marriage & why I thought that scum bag at the bottom of the barrel was so interesting. I’ve learned what I want in a relationship and that I’m not getting it from my husband of 10 years. I’ve learned that if I continue to allow myself to be deprived of affection, friendship, and a healthy sex life that I could fall in again with another scum bag. I’m working to fix my marriage, but at the same time, accepting the reality that divorce may be the only solution for me so that I can be free to look for someone who can be social, show affection, engage in a healthy sex life, work on projects with me, hold my hand while walking down the street….. I’m relieved that I learned my lesson without committing the sin. I have done extensive research on cheating and I now have true compassion & little judgement for anyone who cheats or has cheated, male or female. It’s a symptom of serious problems in a marriage and it’s a compulsion that is extremely difficult to break.

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Renee Wade Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 5:07 pm

Thanks for sharing your experience so honestly Pauline, I appreciate it. xoxo Renee.

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I agree and disagree. If the other woman has no idea that he has a family then she is not to blame. But, if she knows of his woman and kids; and has met them before the affair—then she definitely has some faults. This is what happened to me. I found out my man cheated on me with his coworker. i love him so i gave him another chance. the other woman was consistently trying to be with my man and told him she’ll wait for him. I even kindly reached out to her and she admitted she was wrong but kept pursuing him! I don’t know if he kept her hopes alive in any kind of way or if shes just crazy. it took a little over a year for her to let go. At least I’m hoping.

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emily Reply:
January 21st, 2013 at 7:06 pm

I STRONGLY DISAGREE Home-wrecker is very visible and can’t deny they do ruin relationship, they are conscious of what they are doing!!!! They are CHEATERS AND EVIL..How many families has been broken because of the other woman?? I was a victim of A home-wrecker woman..they don”t care, they don’t have conscience, they are selfish and most of all they are EVIL. The damaged was so much not only for the wife but for the whole family. They are like demons, they know it is not but they still insist on being a home-wrecker I hope all home-wreckers will vanished from the face of the earth so there will be no broken family. I hope the writer of this article is not a home-wrecker herself

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Not a home-wrecker Reply:
February 15th, 2013 at 2:00 am

Please Emily, don’t judge us. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now and I recently got involved with a married man. I didn’t plan for it, it just happened.. his wife found out and they are now together trying to sort things out for the sake for their young children. Believe me, I felt guilty when we were together. But having been in a bad marriage myself I understand were he was coming from, I could totally relate. It all started as an innocent friendship and one day before I knew it we were kissing and feeling things neither one had felt in a long time. We’re no longer together and I understand he’s doing it for his children but I’m devastated. It has not been easy for me to stay away. As you can see I’m not a demon. I’m just as hurt as the wife.

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Grem Reply:
February 16th, 2013 at 11:19 am

Are you serious? How dare you try to justify your actions? You’re a selfish bitch.
“We’re no longer together and I understand he’s doing it for his children but I’m devastated.”
You have no right to be devastated – it’s your own fault.

“But having been in a bad marriage myself I understand were he was coming from, I could totally relate.”
If you could totally relate, you would have told him to go back to his wife and children.

You could have stopped everything before it has gotten to far. I don’t care if hell exists or not, but if it does, people like you should have a special place in it. A person that does something wrong and owns up to it is honourable, but a person who tries to justify their mistakes is scum. YOU ARE SCUM. Go get involved with a person that’s free. Learn from your mistakes, stupid bitch. Why would you ruin so many people’s lives?

Renee Wade Reply:
February 16th, 2013 at 1:22 pm

Grem, I never have been in ‘not a home wrecker’s’ position, and never plan to be.

However, when you come to this site, you have a responsibility to leave a comment, not abuse.

Any other abuse and your comments will be permanently deleted. Abuse is not a reflection of your true words, but a reflection of your past pain – you are always welcome to be honest about that.

Not a home-wrecker Reply:
February 16th, 2013 at 11:51 am

I used to think like you..all I can ask is that you’re never in my situation. I didn’t do it because I’m evil…actually if his wife would had cared more about him, he would had never come to me.. all I did was give him something that his wife wasn’t giving him and no, it’s not about sex but respect and understanding..

CantAgree Reply:
February 20th, 2013 at 10:13 am

Not a home-wrecker,
You speak as if you were in his marriage, like you know why he cheated or that he was trying to go back to his wife because of having small children. As an outsider, you actually do not know that for a fact and you could be lying to yourself. I divorced my husband for cheating with a co-worker, their affair went on for a year. To be clear, I was the wife that could have sex everyday, I provided a good and solid home. He didnt want me to divorce him. I did anyway, so he kept messing with that other women but I did continue to sleep with him. After my divorce was finalized, he gave the other women the boot because he thought he had a better chance of getting back together with me. My divorce has been finalized for a good year now and my ex husband isnt seeing anyone and is still trying to come back to me. If I really lacked anywhere, when I set him fee, he shouldnt have tried to come back. So, my point is that other women probably feels as if I lacked somewhere in the marriage or that I didnt give him something just like you… or that he is trying to be with me because of my kids. None of this is the case. Bluntly said, he was with me from a young age, he was offered sex by someone who would keep it discreet, and he took the opportunity. He would never really trust someone like her so he couldnt have a real relationship with her. Not every guy is like this obviously, but that is how he was. She was devistated when he told her that he had slept with me and that he wanted me back but didnt know if I would take him back. She tried to make her unhappinesses my ex’s unhapppinesses when all it really was for him was sex. Let me make it clear, I do blame my ex tooo but my point is both are to blame and you should be held accountable for your actions too. You might not view yourself as a demon but for many women including myself, a woman that knowingly gets physical with a married man is a homewrecker. If you were so unhappy, you really should have divorced your husband, went for a single person, and tried to have a healthy relationship. If your devistated in any way, you kind of asked for it.

Suzette Reply:
May 11th, 2013 at 12:28 pm

Are you serious? You may be ‘as hurt’ as the wife but that is self-inflicted pain. And I have never met a cheater yet who did not conveniently blame their husband or wife or complain about their ‘bad’ marriage. You are not needed or wanted in that situation. If you were a mature person, you would walk away and allow the couple to sort things out. If he gets divorced down the road, then he is ‘available’. However, many people cheat because its in their nature to do so. Don’t be surprised when you become another story he tells someone and a reason he provides for bad behavior. One thing that gets glossed over all the time is the degree to which cheating fuels abuse. The cheater I was married to took his anger and guilt out on me and our kids and we did not often know why. So, he would want to see one of his girlfriends, come home on a Friday evening after work and start yelling at everyone. This gave him an excuse to walk out for several hours to ‘cool off.’ Of course, he went directly to her house. So, how long can a wife be treated like that before her world fractures? When my kids used to find lost items and want to keep them I would say to them, “you may not know who that belongs to but you know for a fact it is not yours to take.” It is the same when you are outside looking in at another couple. Maybe they are unhappy, maybe they are facing money troubles or a sick child or difficult work schedules. Maybe they are vulnerable. But one thing you know for certain is those are NOT your problems and that is NOT your partner. You’ve no right to compare your situation (“I know what a bad marriage feels like”) or judge the wronged spouse (“His wife was such a bitch”). You are like gasoline being poured on a fire. Maybe if you did not linger at his doorstep that fire could be put out. Don’t kid yourself, you may be a decent human deep down but your actions are immature, unethical and immoral. Infidelity is NOT a victimless crime.

Not a home-wrecker Reply:
February 20th, 2013 at 12:22 pm

Can’t agree,

You’re certainly entitled to your opinion. I was not in your marriage but as an outsider I doubt “the other woman offering him discreet sex” was the only reason he had the affair. I do hold myself accountable for my actions and no, I’m not proud of what I did and that’s why I’m keeping a distance despite missing him to pieces. As far as looking for a single man goes, it’s not that easy. I didn’t look for this married man either.. He’s an acquaintance that later became a neighbor and things got complicated from there but I never flirted nor I intended to have a relationship with him… it just happened and I did feel guilty.

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Anna Reply:
February 21st, 2013 at 7:34 am

Not a home-wrecker: I appreciate you telling your story, even though I can’t agree with you… “It just happened”… I believe nothing “just happens” but you make a conscious decision to make it happen. Unless you were under the influence of drugs, alcohol, whatever. Or duress. I’m starting to speak like a lawyer but I’m in Finance. True, there had to have been something lacking in the marriage for the man to become attracted to you, but I believe it’s not your responsibility to fill it. It is the wife’s. You always have a choice on your actions, and so does he. And if I were you, I would have asked the man to go to his wife, and start to develop the connection he was developing with you, instead of allowing the ball to roll so far. You were in a bad marriage, I understand, so you would understand what he needs. If he fell out of love with his wife, and he was susceptible to you or others, I would take the high road and direct him to his wife, instead of succumbing to his needs. I understand that must have been hard for you, and it’s not your fault, but if all people in your situation would redirect the straying party, then maybe there would be a lot more people who learn to mature and grow emotionally to work through their problems instead of taking the easy way out.

Not a home-wrecker Reply:
February 21st, 2013 at 2:09 pm

Anna: I’ll accept that I made the choice to let it happen..sure, I could and I should had withdrawn when we started to get emotionally close but at that point I thought it was harmless because we weren’t getting physical..until one day we both exploded and it was too late for me, I had feelings for him. And yes, it was by far the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life.

Just because my ex was a man-whore doesn’t make her any less a whore.

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It depends on what type of relationship it is; dating, engaged, or married. If a couple is married, it goes against the social contract to interfere with that union; that’s why marital unions exist.

And so many times the other woman and husband keep it a secret from the wife. Shouldn’t she have a choice in whether she wants to stay in a marriage that is inauthentic? If the other woman was truely a solid person she would not want to be doing things behind closed doors either.

I think the hatred from the wife comes mainly from the secret that both parties are keeping from her.

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Suzette Reply:
May 11th, 2013 at 12:35 pm

Excellent point! Why keep things secret? Ask your partner if you can cheat, and if they say no, give them a chance to exit. They will be hurt no matter what but at least you will spare them the humiliation. I lived in a small town and was literally the last to know. It would have been great to move on before all that.

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I think that your statement doesn’t apply to every case and every person. I use to believe in exactly what you have said until I saw what I did within my own workplace. Not to say that there isn’t blame on men but I myself witnessed a woman constantly chasing after a particular married man. At where we work, she would go out of her way to talk to him everyday, she would flirt with him everyday, she had even met his wife and she still didn’t care. She’s very blatenly offered him no strings attached sex and that no one would need to find out. Because of their roles at work, they had to work together. Its not like he could have avoided her. She offered to have sex in her car at the company’s parking lot on multiple occasions which eventually did end up happening.

In a discussion that I had with a very good male friend of mine who has been married stated that it’s actually best for the man to never put themselves in that position in the first place because eventually it will be very hard to resist regardless of how good is a man is. Meaning right at the beginning when man notices somebody is trying to flirt beyond but maybe innocent and begin to have sexual discussions, it’s best to stop there. He stated that even though he loves his wife, his wife is beautiful and that they do have a strong relationship, if a colleague that he has to have a close work relationship with is an attractive woman that would constantly flirt with him and that would constantly offer no strings attached sex, that even he thinks that he would cave. I really appreciated the insight.

I would never blame a woman for being with a man that says that he is separated or when men lie and I will even agree if a relationship is a weak.

In this case I could not help but look at this colleague of mine has a homewrecker because she blatantly went after him and she wouldn’t stop. When his wife got pregnant, she had up her game even harder. I do think that there are particular cases where women are home wreckers and that your statement is not true for every case for every person across the board.

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Thank goodness that there are some smart women out there. A human is a person who can make choices of their own, not an object you can steal.

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I have to agree with this article, but this applies to Men and Women.

If you have been in a committed and loving relationship and after a while your partner is unfaithful, whilst it is excruciatingly painful and easy to blame them or a third party, people need to realise they are partly responsible. I don’t condone cheating but the act of doing it goes way deeper than just “it was the other girls/guys fault”

If your partners NEEDS were all being met why would they feel the need to go elsewhere?

Communication is KEY, if your needs are not being met speak up and talk about it! don’t let it get to the stage where you or your partner feel “indifferent” towards each other… thats when the choice to cheat or leave becomes easier.

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I completely agree with your post. I’m so tired of hearing the word “home wrecker”, since there is no such thing. A husband is a human being who can make choices of his own, not an object you could steal. While it’s not the best choice for a woman to be with a married man, or vice versa, no one is putting a gun to his head forcing him to be with her.

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Suzette Reply:
May 11th, 2013 at 12:39 pm

It is not about being an object!!! If a spouse promises fidelity and then cheats, they’ve broken their vows and the marriage contract. And if they are making those choices and being sneaky, then it is they who are treating the unknowing spouse like an object, a thing. What about the pain and guilt that lead to abuse? What about the threat of STDs? What about the hit to the bank account (when my husband cheated he have the Christmas money for our kids to his mistress for her child!) – I could not figure out what happened and thought I had made a checking acct error. Nope, he withdrew it and gave it away. So, if a cheater wants to make those choices, they should leave the marriage, end it, man (or woman) up and allow their partners to walk away – reduce the body count.

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Zeny Durano is a homewrecker. She tried to wreck my home and I advise you to keep her away from your man. What I don’t understand about these woman is why they feel they have a right to make judgements on the husband’s and wife’s relationship. Who are they to say “oh, I’m better for you than your wife.” They know nothing of the good times, or the reasons for the bad times. They know nothing of the couple’s history together. The only thing they know, is what they want and they make excuses for why their actions are justified. They either get a challenge out of ruining a family like its some kind of contest or they are extremely selfish and want something someone else has and just don’t care who they hurt in the process. Most homewreckers only see the husbands side of why things aren’t working out and don’t bother to think about the wife’s. In most cases, men are only using homewreckers for temporary pleasure. In any case they have no idea what the wife’s life is like or the sacrifices she makes for her husband and family.

If women, like Zeny really cared about these men they should respect their families and find their own. And the men should really think with their brains, not their penises, of what they are risking.

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I tend to agree and disagree with this article. Some women prey on married men, and yes the man could say no, but these women are sneaky and it’s all about low self esteem on their part. They want to see if they could take a man off another woman? How about fixing yourself and finding your own man?
On the other hand I was the “other” woman, but I didn’t know I was. He told me they were in the process of getting a divorce and both agree that they were better off as friends and not being married – she moved away to NY and he stayed in NM with me. Well I believed him since he showed me emails where she wished him well with me – I’m sure he faked them or fed her some bs too. Anyway to make a long story short I found out he was still married to her and still sleeping with her. I called her to tell her that he was two timing both of us and she turned on me calling me a home wrecker. To this day, she still tells people I ruined her marriage even though she is remarried and just had a baby.

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hmmm i guess then my girlfriend who met a married man…knew he was married, became friends with the wife, had both their ears and then took a long time to slowly seduce the husband away from the wife…isn’t a home wrecker then?? hmmm interesting…

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Absolutely disagree with you 100%. The man is accountable 100%. But it’s a lack of respect on behalf of the other woman or man. As humans we need to respect each other. That person could have said no and didn’t. I believe they ARE beholden to the spouse on whom their partner is cheating BECAUSE they are participating in the act. The man should not cheat in the first place. This is ABSOLUTELY true, but if people stopped being “available” to cheat with – then it wouldn’t be a problem.

However, that idea IS nullified when the third party does NOT know their partner is married/in a relationship – you cannot be accountable for something you had no idea about. You just can’t. However, when the time comes and you DO learn about it, and you choose to stay, that’s the moral dilemma.

The fact is, as women who allow themselves to be with a married man, they obviously have a ton of low-self esteem and a lack of respect for other humans. As women, we should lobby to respect ourselves, and others, and stop participating in activities which allow slut-shaming.

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Renee Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Hey D,

It’s a fact of life – people will disrespect you. People will do lots of things – judge you, be nasty, bitch about you, tear you down to make themselves feel more significant, take a seat on the train for themselves without considering whether you need one.

Unfortunately, by placing “blame” and saying that the other woman is “beholden” to the spouse on whom their partner is cheating, you are stripping yourself of power, and now, you’re the ‘victim’.

Victim games simply don’t work in relationships.

By the way, beholden in what way? what do they really OWE? An apology? A oh I’m so sorry I slipped on to your husband’s private parts? I’m sorry for “disrespecting” you?

And if you get it, then what? If you make them pay, then what? Even if you don’t make them pay, if you make THEM wrong – then what? You will be HAPPY? You’ll be satisfied?

No, of course you won’t!

I’m not making their actions ok!
And I’m certainly not making the cheating spouse’s actions ok.

It’s just that, the focus should simply NOT be on blaming THEIR (the 3rd party) actions, if you want to learn from the whole experience and make your relationship better, or leave and make the next one better.

Yes, the husband or wife who cheated should be 100% accountable for THEIR actions, and the spouse who was cheated on must also take responsibility for their own actions in the relationship.

Unfortunately, relationships are so counter-intuitive, they are not for most people.

Most people WILL blame, and victimize themselves, and point the finger at their spouse. No wonder so many relationships fail.

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Meike Reply:
May 10th, 2011 at 5:33 am

I see what you are saying here D. In fact, your feelings sound oddly familiar. And you are RIGHT to say that people should have respect. I think the general lack of respect everywhere in our modern world is tragic. But – don’t let yourself be victimised. Don’t EVER become a victim to other people’s actions or circumstance. Call on your inner resources to fight for what you want! If you are in a situation where people have clearly disrespected you, isn’t it empowering for YOU to get up, dust yourself off, and make it better than them? What kind of a life is it for you, if you depend on someone, a man perhaps, to create a happy home around you? If you carry that happy home inside of you on the other hand, nobody can take it from you.

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If you neglect your man he will be easy pickings for someone that WILL pay attention to him. Simple as that. No big mystery here.

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D. Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 2:01 pm

What about those who do not neglect their men, are the perfect housewife and lover, and are still cheated on?

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Brianne Reply:
May 10th, 2011 at 11:54 am

yup…my buddy cheated on his wife…they had a great sex life is what he said…yet he still cheated…

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I think this is one of those topics that everyone twists around to make it much more complex than it has to be. I speak from experience, and the conclusion which I think is most fitting is that infidelity stems from choices.

If your man made a choice to cheat, that is his choice and he has a right to choose (as long as he is not breaking any laws). The ‘other’ woman, she also had a choice (given that she knews she was involving herself with a taken man). Everyone made a choice, and when all hits the fan, you have to make a choice too. Do you leave him? Do you give him another chance?

You can blame this other woman, or you can blame your man, or you can blame yourself. But really, it just comes down to the SIMPLE fact that your man did not see you as valuable enough to not betray. When he did a quick weigh-out in his mind, your value didn’t overwhelm the benefits of having an affair. It doenst necessarily mean that there is something wrong with you or your relationship….it just simply wasnt enough to keep him from straying. Doesnt mean the “other” woman is a better or more attractive person, but you do have to end up accepting the fact that her perceived value at that time exceeded yours.

I think all is fair in love and war. It hurts and it cuts you till you bleed. But, it is what it is isnt it? If your man thought you were an absolute necessity and treasure to his life, well, he has a brain, he can make choices that parallel his perception of you. If he does cheat, he could put it off as a momentary lapse of judgement but does that make a difference really? At that moment it is already clear that you weren’t good enough. You are still a good person and ‘good enough’ for many people, but not to him. That’s just something you have to understand and accept. You shouldn’t let it make you feel bad about yourself, because like i said, it just means you were not good enough for this one person, not to the rest of the world.

I think women can be cocky, like anyone else. Its hard to find the balance between being realistic and being insecure. When cheated on, I dont think it means you have to feel like damaged goods. But i do think its time to realize that you were not everything you thought you were to your man. Simply put, in his eyes you were not enough. And it hurts to realize that you werent kind enough, fun enough, exciting enough, pretty enough etc etc etc for this one person…..but hey, you could be all those things to someone else.

So i wouldnt blame the “other” woman. I wouldnt even care who she was. I would just let it be, come to peace with it and with myself, and move on.

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Lea Reply:
February 22nd, 2011 at 1:36 am

I completely and utterly agree. Cheating is cheating and everyone has their reasons for engaging in such an activity, justifiable or not. It is what it is. Everyone chooses what they want their relationship to be like, and they have to meet their partner halfway. If their partner screws up, they suffer the consequences. whether it be losing your trust or simply losing you. and this “other woman”, well how can she not be held accountable for potentially destroying a relationship when it would otherwise be fine without her intervention?

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Lea Reply:
February 22nd, 2011 at 1:37 am

I didn’t mean to sound rude or anything, just saying.

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nina Reply:
December 18th, 2012 at 10:05 pm

The relationship would still be fine if the guy chooses not to stray and stay faithful to his gf/wife even if there’s another woman trying to intervene.

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Guest Reply:
March 6th, 2013 at 5:24 pm

Lea – in your post you wrote “how can she not be held accountable for potentially destroying a relationship when it would otherwise be fine without her intervention.”

That is simply not a true statement. Married men/women who are in love with their spouses and in a good relationship do NOT cheat. No woman/man has ever cast a spell on a married person which made that person cheat. The fact is that the relationship is not ok and would not be just fine but for the other person.

BTW – I have not been the “other woman” – however, I met a man who became my co-worker. There was an instant attraction like I have never felt in my entire life. You may not believe in love at first sight – I certainly didn’t before this happened – but I do now. We became very close simply by working together on projects and hanging out. No inappropriate conversations. No physical contact. There was just some type of instant chemistry. Clients and other co-workers would comment on it. Then one day he told me about problems in his marriage. That was a line that shouldn’t have been crossed. I told him so. Due to our work relationship, it was impossible for me to limit our time spent together. However, no more was said about his marriage issues. A little time went by and he sent me a letter – a long letter – in which he spilled everything. Stuff about their dating history, why they married, how their marriage had been. . . .and his feeling for me. After reading it, I could no longer deny how I felt towards him. I also knew it was “unsafe” for us to be around each other. I told him that he needed to work on his marriage and that I was going to leave the firm because it was clear that we could no longer work together. He knew, based upon my reaction to his letter/decision to leave, that his feelings were returned. I left. He understood.

We ran into each other a few times at events but did not engage each other. 1 1/2 years later, he showed up at my doorstep, late at night. He told me that he had separated and filed for divorce a few months ago. He promised me that his decision had nothing to do with me. He told me that they went to counseling (3 different ones) but that all that the sessions did was confirm what he already knew – he was never in love with her. They dated on and off for several years and everyone else was getting married and he was receiving so much pressure so he proposed. They really had no common interests – other than their children – and even two of the therapists commented on it.

We did not jump into a torrid love affair. We saw each other but did not have a physical relationship until the divorce was finalized.

I am not a home wrecker. I am not a temptress. I am not a woman with low self esteem who cannot get her own man so she preys on other women’s men (I was married but chose to get a divorce – prior to ever meeting him – and have had plenty of male attention and dating opportunities). I am not evil. I am not a whore. I am not trash. And I did not steal anyone’s man.

HOWEVER – I am still labeled that way by his ex and her friends. All I can figure out is that it is easier to blame me for stealing him than to admit to herself that he was unhappy in the marriage. She’s not even mean to him – it’s all aimed at me.

Now, remember – I left a job bc I did not want any responsibility. I stopped communications. I made no promises of “if you leave her, I’ll be waiting for you.” But – I am the evil home wrecking whore. And my children have been harassed because of it.

And I didn’t “intervene” and the marriage was not just “fine”. There were many issues between them that had been going on for years before he ever met me. At least his son has been able to admit that and has defended him/me.

It’s unfair to blame someone else simply because you are unwilling to take any responsibility for the faults in the marriage. And it’s also unfair to judge someone when you don’t really know the person or the entire truth of the situation.

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Hi everybody.
I read this article, it caught my eye because of one friend.
He is in a relationship for 14 years now, they met at the age of 16. He says he would never leave her, because he loves her more than anything. On the contrary he keeps looking other women, and admitted he cheated on her a couple of times because they hardly sleep together. And he wants to sleep with me too, which I would never do.
Apart from this he is a great person,but I don’t think he is happy and I would appreciate some advice what to tell him, how to convince him to do something to save his relationship.

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Funny! How about the wife not providing for her relationship? For 12 years I have put up with a woman who blocks out or literally sleeps through any (but not much) sexual activity. I have never been able to elicit even the least pleasure in her after she got the child she wanted. No affairs for me but only due to lack of availability. Divorce is only an available option if I want to enjoy my senior years working.

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Boohoo Reply:
November 13th, 2010 at 9:45 am

Dear Interested

I am so sorry that you are having difficulties in your relationship. However, you are the one that choice your woman so I really do not understand why you are complaining now.

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Anya Reply:
November 14th, 2010 at 7:54 am

Have you tried marriedandhappy.com’s blog—- bunch of articles there that may help… I have showed several to my husband…

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I think that’s awful about Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. The fact that Mrs. Newman (the second) dropped out of the spotlight when she finally ‘won’ Paul Newman, I think adds to the fact that people just forgot about the poor first wife. It doesn’t matter whether it appears Joanne and Paul were “better suited.” That’s nonsense. He promised ’til death’ and he had children. No excuses. I’ll bet however that Joanne was extra extra careful about not rocking the boat and trying her best to keep Paul interested in her. Remember, “if they’ll do it WITH you, they’ll do it TO you…” (a Dr. Phil-ism)

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Hi Renee,
I have to disagree with you. I truly believe that there are home-wreckers!! I have seen it endless times with friends/family members. People that show no respect and consideration for other human beings and their relationships. Why would a ” normal” human being want to ruin other people’s relationships???? Just because they are single, unhappy with their love life??? There are people out there who don’t give a damn who is single or not, if they want someone, they will do EVERYTHING in their power to have that person!!
I think this act is DISGUSTING!!!

Of course that if they know that their significant other is involved with another perosn, this is a different story!
Then I would blame, whoever is cheating.

I still don’t get why so many people cheat so much nowadays … Does anyone know?

Thank you Renee, for the post, a much needed topic nowadays

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As long as there are other women, men will face the temptation of cheating. As feminine woman, we know that there exists what we can’t change and what we can possibly influence to change. I can’t control what other women do or even what my man does. I can only be in control of me. Therefore, I can try every day to live up to being the kind of woman a man would need no reason to stray from. A woman alive in her true feminine essence.

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Livi brings up a good point…what about long distance relationships? Where there is nothing fundamentally wrong other than distance??? Any thoughts or advice?

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oli Reply:
November 5th, 2010 at 11:17 am

Well JP, here’s my 2 cents, for what its worth. I’ve tried the long distance relationship and for me I think distance takes a huge toll on relationships. The longer the time of separation the worse it gets. With hindsight, in my case I realized the distance tended to make me idealize the relationship and fill a lot of gaps that distance creates with my own imagination and that ultimately didnt help. Looking back I wish I had more time and proximity of course, to know and understand my partner better and for him to do likewise.

I tend to think distance endangers a relationship and make it fundamentally flawed. But well, I may be wrong.

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I have always preached that it is not the other woman’s fault, that it is down to the man who chooses to accept her advances. However when I found out that my (ex) fiancé was cheating I immediately blamed the other woman. “How dare she take advantage of the long distance in our relationship. How dare she tempt him. How dare she provide something that I couldn’t because of physical distance.” It was just an automatic response, had I ever met her I know I would have flown off the handle at her.

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Mary Reply:
November 7th, 2010 at 12:50 am

Livi

It’s natural that you would not want to believe that the person closest to you (your ex fiancé) caused you so much hurt and pain by cheating on you – it’s easier to blame the third party – and to think that your man did not cheat – he was tempted.

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Livi Reply:
November 8th, 2010 at 2:08 pm

It is easier, you’re very right. It hurts far more to accept that he chose her than to see him as the unwilling victim.

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fashionista Reply:
November 7th, 2010 at 12:25 pm

To Livi: I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you but I just had to comment when I read your post about…”[how] that it is down to the man who chooses to accept her advances (of the “other woman”).” That is such a big misconception that the “other woman” is the one that made a move on the taken man and the man is only to blame for giving into it. I know from experience (and from researching the topic out of curiosity due to my experience) that in MOST cases IT IS THE TAKEN MAN WHO DID THE CHASING, of the “other woman.” This happened to me. A married man chased me. When I found out he was married I stayed away from him and made it very clear I didn’t want to have anything to do with him but he kept at it. I never had an affair with him. But that experience changed the way I see men. They are NOT innocent. Or being led by the nose by the “other woman.” Cheating men KNOW what they are doing and they have no shame. MOST OF THE TIME TAKEN MEN ARE THE INSTIGATORS OF THE AFFAIR so the significant women in those men’s lives need to stop blaming the “other woman” and put the blame where it needs to be…on their men.

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maggiet Reply:
November 8th, 2010 at 10:30 am

You are dead right there. I was hunted down by a married man – he always sought me out at school functions etc etc and was always alone. Everyone knew he had a lousy marriage even the kids. I could have been flattered and gone with the flow as I am a single mum but knew that at the end of the day I would be the one nursing the broken heart as he was looking for a back up system for his broken scene at home. He would never have had the balls to leave as it would have caused all sorts of upsets and just wanted an emotional relationship to tide him through. Ladies it is not the other woman who is the bitch it is the man who is not getting what he needs from his primary / legal relationship and doesnt know how to get out. If your man is having an affair guaranteed it is because he does not want what he has got but does not have the guts to say it.

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Livi Reply:
November 8th, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Oh I am fully aware that he is to blame in reality, there is every chance that he didn’t tell her he was in a relationship. My point was just that even when you know that the automatic reaction is to attack the other woman, mine is anyway.

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I feel that a relationship is made up of two equally important parts or phases if you will. One, is courting/ dating phase where the FOUNDATION for a good relationship is layed. The foundation is getting the right partner for you in terms of compatibility.

The fact that you are in a relation does not necessarily mean that you have to work hard to maintain it. Couples are often ‘unequally yoked’, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, socially. If your foundation or choice of partner is poor in relation to your needs in the first place, trying to build and maintain attraction is like building a fancy house on a poor, structurally unsound foundation. Cracks and failures will undoubtedly follow.

Women and I have done this too, work oh so hard to keep the relationship going, when the foundation of the relationship is poorly built, that is the courting phase when the intense scrutinity and observation of character and values of a potential partner and a critical assessment of mutual needs was not done thoroughly enough.
Melina Dean has absolutely excellent material on her blog about the initial choice of men. Well worth reading. The idea that often comes through in her writing is about putting effort into the relationship with the RIGHT MAN FOR YOU.
So how does the ‘homewrecker’ theme come into all this. The appearance of a homewrecker can be a blessing in disguise. It can tell you two things, either the relationship is vulnerable and you should work harder at it, or it can tell you what you have refused to face for a long time that is you are with the wrong person anyway and should leave or let go.

Women often try to pretty up relationships or marriages they should be in, in the first place, Maybe the other woman/man may simply be the right or more compatible person that you are. That may be a sign from above that you need someone else worth you and your time.
Lets look at an example from the media. Let’s take Paul Newman. On this site he is given as an example of a man faithful to his wife of several decades, Joan Woodward. But there is a little known fact about Paul Newman. Before Joan Woodward he was married to first wife, actress Jacqueline Witte with whom he had 3 children. He cheated on his wife with Joan Woodward. She became his lover and mistress whilst he was married to Jacqueline Witte. Later he got a divorce and married Joan in 1958.

Joan Woodward was a ‘homewrecker’ in the traditional understanding of the word. Yet she seems to have been perfect as partner for Paul Newman and obviously managed her relationship well. So perfect in the eyes of the general public that most people either don’t know or cannot recollect that she was once a lover and mistress of a married man and ‘a homewrecker’. She is now highly respected by the general public. And he is considered a wonderful faithful husband, a living example.

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JP Reply:
November 5th, 2010 at 7:39 am

You’ve made some really good points here. Building a strong foundation is key. I don’t think people take enough time to do this. Nor do they evaluate and scrutinize their potential partner enough in the beginning. People want instant gratification…to fall in love right away. Ignoring signs and symptoms of possible trouble ahead. If real compatibility and attraction is lacking it doesn’t matter how much work you put into the relationship, it will more than likely fail.

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Perfect timing with what’s going on in my life at the moment. My man admitted two weeks ago he cheated on me on a trip to South Africa on the day I truly fell in love with him 2 years 1/2 ago in London and while we had already been sleeping together for 5 months already. He had already made a couple of moves towards me by then but as soon as he left, and because he was afraid to accept that a true loving relationship was possible for him, he went for this short and costing moment of glory. As soon as he came back he told me he was in love with me but denied what had happened until very recently. I had strong suspicions about it and now that I know for sure, I could still cheat on him but I am just no interested because I respect mysef too much, it is not being responsible, it won’t solve anything but will definitely bring more disrespect between the two of us – and most of all, there is love between us. I take it as my final trial, my final blow but I won’t kneel down. It is a definitely shock close to the kiss of death. Cheating is something that I have always rejected and condemned. I am not minimising the pain now. It does hurt badly. Yet I try to accept it and befriend it. It has made my man grow a lot more mature. I see this as an opportunity to grow together so we talk about it and he is very supportive in a effective way. No later than last night, I was delivered a beautiful bouquet of red roses from my man that was meant to arrive last week on my birthday. My first thought was to tell him to send those flowers to that woman he slept with because she managed to do something that I never managed to do, that is pull my man in such a short time. So I told him. And I added, ‘That’s only fair, she deserves it’ My second thought was nonetheless, ‘Hang on, you deserve these flowers because you do everything to respect and develop your femininity so these flowers should be yours really’. They are now next to me while I am sharing this with you. Being cheated on is one devastating thing. Being hurt in your flesh and soul by the closest person to you in the whole world is something massively unbearable. But then, you can decide how to react to it. The more feminine you act, the more at peace you’ll be with yourself. My man told me last night he was truly impressed by my inner strenght, composure and maturity. He told me ‘I have a woman, a strong mature woman in front of me. I admire you for that’. It took him 30 months to realise this simple truth. It took me 30 months of patience and inner strength to overcome chaotic moments and eventually reach this much awaited moment. Be strong, have faith in yourselves and communicate simply. I wish all the best, send my strenght, my thoughts and my love to all the women out there who endure the same. And thanks, of course and most of all, to Renee for allowing us to become fully who we should be, accomplished free women.

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The Emotional Trap: It is critical to allow yourself to feel & learn from negative emotions as it is to revel in positive feelings. One of the most reassuring things in recent times is that it’s okay to be scared; you do not require courage to face what you do not fear. It’s a comforting thought that even the most courageous men & women were scared of that which they ultimately faced & conquered. They are heroes not because their hearts never trembled with fear, but because they conquered that fear. So, fear becomes not just an acceptable but even welcome emotion because it paves the way for courage & heroism. It is fine to be frightened, but not to run away from it.

As with fear, so with other ‘negative’ emotions. It is important to experience the entire gamut of emotions in order to fully appreciate life. So fear is as important as courage; sadness as important as happiness; to cry is as critical as it is to laugh, to grieve every bit as needed as to celebrate. If positive emotions help give us confidence & cheer, negative emotions too serve a purpose.

When a relationship breaks, the excruciating pain you go through helps cleanse your spirit. The experience forces you to ask yourself a lot of question & search your soul for the answer. You come out of it a more evolved & enriched human being. If you are unwell, a bit of fever & pain help because they push you into getting treatment. If you touch something hot & get burnt, the pain helps as that’s the only emotion that signals to your mind the urgency of pulling back your hand. Similarly, negative emotions help in so far as they help us understand what is wrong with us & the way we are leading, so that we may stop, reconsider & move on with added wisdom. Take a look at basic human emotions as classified by scientists – joy, sadness, anger, fury, compassion, disgust, horror, heroic, wonder.

The important thing is to feel. And, to feel with intensity. And from that intensity comes mental, emotional & spiritual growth. Not long back society dictated emotions we should or shouldn’t feel. Men were not supposed to cry or show vulnerability; women were not supposed to show passion or laugh out loud. It is indeed a measure of the evolution of a society & civilization that display of all kinds of emotions is acceptable today. Men can cry & feel hurt, women can guffaw & show passion! Earlier, they said leave emotions behind when you come to work; today, organizations want individuals to get emotionally involved with work!

There is indeed far more intensity in negative emotions than in positive. Think about the last time you felt joy or even absolute thrill. Now, think about the last time you felt grief, anger, jealousy, hatred, disgust! If you did so, you already know what I mean. While we accepted the joy with gratitude, the negative emotions all filled us with questions, doubts & some lessons learnt. The tumult, the churning within that these negative emotions bring is very important for the evolutionary process, for growth & moving ahead. Moments of humiliation, fear, grief are times when the soul cringes & gets impacted the most. A chaotic mind as critical in the evolutionary process as a meditative one.

it is critical to be in charge of your emotions, not to allow them to control you! Passion may help you achieve heroic deeds & give a direction to life, but it could also lead you into a lot of trouble if unbridled. It helps to periodically question yourself when you feel negative emotion, so as to identify the source of disturbance & keep your motivation levels up. And of course the best thing about emotion is that they don’t stay with you long. Try as you might, you can neither catch happiness by its forelock, nor pain by its tail. They visit us & in time, after having served purpose, they leave…

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Catherine Reply:
November 3rd, 2010 at 6:01 am

Very wise with a lot of insight into human nature! Thumbs up Amit!

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JP Reply:
November 3rd, 2010 at 7:53 am

Wow…very interesting & insightful! Well said

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oli Reply:
November 3rd, 2010 at 11:02 am

Amitabh, I really enjoy reading your contributions. You have extraodinary insight. I love that you question, probe. Most of all I love that your mind is always searching and is seems open to the multiple layers and complexities of life.

Thank you.

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In my opinion both are to blame. Because they don’t care about anyone else feelings but themselves.

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Mary Reply:
November 7th, 2010 at 1:56 am

Both parties in affair (the person in the relationship and the third party) have their share of blame, but the third party in an affair is not accountable to the betrayed person – the person in a relationship is accountable.

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D. Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Completely disagree with you. It is a matter of respecting the person. You should respect other people. I do not believe it is necessarily the third party’s “fault” but they simply have a lack of respect to say “no thank you” and that is what makes them accountable.

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BrownEyedBeauty Reply:
September 7th, 2011 at 12:40 pm

I’m with you, D.

Mary…it sounds like you are making excuses for the third party in extramarital affairs. The fact is that home-wreckers DO exist and they SHOULD be held accountable for their actions.

They might not feel that they owe anything to the wife of the man they are sleeping with, but this is false. Some people are selfish and they don’t think about how their actions affect others. What goes around comes around.

When you hurt other people and cause them pain, you will be the one to suffer later. That is what I’ve learned in life.

My husband is very attractive. I notice the way other women look at him. Some of them have no respect and they don’t care if I’m standing beside him. If I were insecure and if I perceived a threat, maybe it would bother me. But I know that he loves me and he finds me beautiful. He would never do anything to hurt me.

Cheating is disrespectful and I have no respect for women who knowingly become involved with married men. It is one thing if a woman does not know that a man is married, but if she does know…that indicates selfishness and emotional issues on some level.

The man is to blame but please don’t let the other woman off the hook.

i think the main in this conversation is WHAT u can do.. what you can DO to influence your relationship and ultimately your happiness.
Where is blaming another woman going to get you? Nowhere
Where is blaming of any kind going to get you? Nowhere
Blaming someone else is not going to make you or your relationship any better
We all have faults.. Its all a matter of owning up to them, finding the soft spots in the relationship and working on them
Work towards moving things in a positive direction..not only for u, but for your partner and the relationship

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hmmmm…. while I agree that blame should be on your cheating partner because HE is the one who broke the vows or trust in the relationship and no one else… I can never respect or understand a woman who KNOWINGLY sleeps with a taken man. If she knows there is another woman than she is doing something very wrong. If she doesn’t know, then it really wasn’t her fault. (Lets face it men can easily lie about being in a relationship if they want)

There are no guarantees in any relationship…ever. A person can leave or cheat at anytime…and you should be aware of this. But I agree that its not good to worry continually that something is going to happen. That would affect the relationship in a very negative way. Women should be more confident in themselves, and what they offer. Step up your game if you have to… you are the only person you can change in any situation! If he strays away from the best person you can be, then it was never going to work out anyway…not because of you, but because HE is lacking something.

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BrownEyedBeauty Reply:
September 7th, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Bravo, JP! This is a brilliant comment.

I’m not a catty person by any means but I also find it disgusting when women knowingly pursue relationships with married men. It is different if the other woman has no knowledge of his marital status.

But I find that women who knowingly become involved with married men often share similar character traits. They tend to be needy for male attention and they will do anything to get it, no matter who it comes from.

Sadly, commitment means very little in today’s society because it seems like people are all about fulfilling their sexual urges and they will do it with anyone.

I have looked at some women who clearly show a sexual interest in my husband…I could see it in their eyes. I simply laugh to myself because it is so obvious and pathetic. I remember being in the hallway with my husband once. This woman smiled, tossed her hair in what she thought was a “sexy” way, and said hello to him. She did not say hi to me, even when I responded. She was clearly on the make and she found my husband attractive.

I wasn’t jealous or insecure. I thought the situation was funny and a bit sad. She could see the gold band on his finger and the platinum ring on mine, but it didn’t matter. I know he’s cute. I have good taste, what can I say? He comes home with me at the end of the day.

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Oh and to the first poster who says it’s in a mans nature to “hunt”, well with that logic you shouldn’t get mad at anyone. You’ve pretty much accepted that and then you would be the only one to blame for putting up with a man as such.

And why so much concern about what a homewrecker should know and do? if you put just as much thought as to what needs to be done in your own relationship maybe things would not have gotten that far. It’s a waste of time and air in my honest opinion.

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I feel there is a such thing as a home wrecker. After all this wo/man knows that the person is attached and no matter what lies he tells him/her or truths for that matter a wo/man should have enough self respect not to get into a relationship with a person that is married or in a long term relationship. A matter of fact they should be the one to point out to him/her that there may be problems and suggest to him/her that s/he should be working on the relationship they are in. And only of that relationship brakes up can that wo/man then consider being with that person. Period. I would have to much pride to get involved with someone who already is in a relationship I will not take crumbs or left overs that are tossed to me from that person.

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Nancy Reply:
November 5th, 2010 at 5:36 pm

How does the woman know that the man she is attached to or dating is in a relationship or married if all he has told her is he is not, do we just not trust any of them because some of them lie? I will give you an example, I met this guy he flirted with me nonstop, wanting to take me out, after sometime I went out with him, he told me he was legally separated and had been for a few years, never wanted to get back with her for various reasons, after a year and half I found out we had been having a three sum, she was still calling him, emailing him, going to see him, our entire relationship, he lied to me and her, at first he told me she just wouldn’t leave him alone, he felt nothing for her and loved and wanted to spend every day with me, well need I say the red flags went up and stayed up, long story short when you break the trust in a relationship by lieing or cheating its pretty had to get it back if impossible, we broke up and got back together non stop after that it was never the same, in August of this year we went to Lake George to spend the weekend this is when I knew I was done, and when I was done he ran back to her becasue she was all that would have him.
the moral of the story is he lied to me about his availability, I kicked him to the curb, I can guarantee he is lieing to her now. Once a liar always a liar.

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I totally agree.People need to stop blaming the other woman/man and hold the person that’s cheating responsible for their own actions. Obviously the relationship wasn’t all that great if she/he is looking for other options.

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Sophie Lhoste Reply:
November 30th, 2010 at 2:07 am

Or they were not ready to commit or to stay the course of commitment. Either way I agree that blaming does not get us very far.

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BrownEyedBeauty Reply:
September 7th, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Ummm, no…it is not “blame” to hold both parties accountable for what they have done. The cheater and the person they cheated with should BOTH accept responsibility for their actions.

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Renee Reply:
September 7th, 2011 at 4:22 pm

BrownEyedBeauty, hi

I have a question for you: is it your responsibility to hold the other people accountable? Because, anytime we focus on what the other person has done wrong, and how they should be accountable; we are blaming them, actively.

The only person who can hold another “accountable” is themselves. And they certainly won’t be in a state to be responsible for their actions if somebody else is throwing it in their face saying I hold you accountable.

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Ivy Reply:
November 5th, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Very well put Renee. I’m still trying to understand why sooo many people (mostly women) seem to think it their right to judge, hate and ostracize someone else’s behavior…someone who was involved with a complete stranger’s’ partner, not their own.

I myself recognize others’ behavior is none of my business. If my husband cheated, that would be between me and him. I would think it weak and stupid to hate on the other woman. I have compassion for all people and recognize there are all kinds of different people on this planet. Honestly I have no judgment or hatred for anyone involved in infidelity. I would still be their friend.

Thank you for your compassionate, humanistic article and comments. It is nice to see not all women are so cruel.

I agree and disagree. I don’t think it’s in the male nature to value the relationship as number one (at least from the beginning). That seems to be more of a feminine trait. Men are hunters by nature, so they stay tuned up for “other opportunities”. That part of a man never goes away completely. There’s no magic formula that completely ensures a man won’t cheat or abandon you. I’m pretty sure it was Regal Renee who said the lovely notion that uncertainty is a factor in creating attraction, so that has its benefits.

The reason I blame the other woman is because it’s like she’s betraying women everywhere when she chooses to engage in an affair. When one woman lowers her standards and expectations, it affects all of us. If one man is cheating, it’s like it has a domino effect on other men triggered by male competition. Femininity is a powerful force such that it can create a loving home or destroy one.

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Masaleen Reply:
November 3rd, 2010 at 5:29 pm

Is it really male nature not to value the relationship as number one in the beginning? This is very untrue for my man. He daily tells me I’m the most important thing in his life, over the Marines, school, his favorite hobbies, etc. And he is very sincere, loving, and emotional when he says this. And he’s definitely not “hunting for other opportunities” now that we’re engaged. I agree that men can’t help looking at other women (as long as he lives he’ll look), but my man searched very hard for a woman to be his wife, and now that he feels he found the perfect woman (his soul mate:)), other women mean nothing to him romantically. Of course, our relationship will go up and down, and sometimes he won’t like being committed to me, but I think there are many men like him who know the man/woman relationship is the most beautiful and precious thing in the world.

I do agree, though, that everyone is affected when one woman lowers her standards. It’s not just the wife’s fault that her husband cheated, because the other woman COULD have listened to her conscience and stopped it. But this is taking away our responsibility, our responsibility being making the relationship strong enough from the beginning to not let a man even be interested in another woman, like Renee says.

One more thing though, do you really believe one man cheating has a domino effect on other men, making other husbands want to cheat, too? I disagree…I think every relationship is completely different, and whether a man cheats or not is dependent on the strength of the bond between him and his woman.

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Mary Reply:
November 7th, 2010 at 12:52 am

You obviously have no idea how many women cheat, and even worse – cause their husbands to bring up other men’s children.

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Masaleen Reply:
November 15th, 2010 at 11:24 pm

What do you mean? Are you saying I don’t understand how much one woman cheating on her man can affect other women, making them also cheat on their man?

Lauren Reply:
November 7th, 2010 at 5:10 pm

Hey there Masaleen,

When I say that it is not in a man’s nature to value the relationship number one, I mean on the most primal level. For example, if a man is struggling in some aspect of his life, his relationship will take a backseat to whatever his problem is. (why women complain about men working too much) I feel women are very much the opposite. If our relationship is going great, all the other little nuances become secondary and we are able to push through it. The task of maintaining a relationship falls more on the woman’s lovely shoulders. Why? Because we value it more highly and are better able to foresee problems and prevent them by being the more cooperative partner.

You said that he’s “sincere, loving, and emotional” but this is feminine charged. I don’t know your man, but I don’t think he would use those words to describe himself. Just differences between the sexes.

And when I said hunting for opportunities, I didn’t mean to imply chasing other women. I meant noticing other women. When he notices them, the urge to hunt comes alive. He stops because of his devotion to you. Just means that you are a wonderful woman and he sees it clearly.

I totally agree that it is a woman’s responsibility to keep being a good woman to her man. I think constantly worrying about a cheating man produces a cheating man. Self-fulfilling prophecy

Every relationship is completely different, but I find it ironic that so many women complain about the exact same things. We always think we are the exception, and we usually aren’t.

Hope that clarified my thinking

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Masaleen Reply:
November 15th, 2010 at 11:21 pm

Yes, that did clarify a lot:) Especially with what you mentioned in the first paragraph, and basically everything else, I completely agree.

As far as whether he would consider himself sincere, loving, and emotional, he would, with pride. Maybe not openly (openly he’s a “badass,” haha), but with me, he admits that he wants to be considered a gentle, tender, loving man. I think all men should be tough on the outside, and very soft on the inside for their woman.

Mika Maddela Reply:
August 5th, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I’m two years late for this conversation but I wanted to add my thoughts.

“When one woman lowers her standards and expectations, it affects all of us.”

I disagree with this. Like Renee has mentioned in the past, the only person you have any control over is yourself. It’s about taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions… not creating some sort of ‘covert’ contract just because this person is the same gender or based on your assumptions that this person has the same morals as you. I’m not condoning infidelity but focusing all your energy on the third-party is pointless since the root of the problem resides within YOUR relationship with your partner– not with your partner and the other woman… . You can’t control your partner’s feelings or desires but you can control your own actions and thoughts that affects the dynamic of your own relationship, thus creating the state of your relationship.

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I think that all long term relationships or the institution of marriage have their Achilles heel and that the two people who form that union are not infallible.

I think that it also depends and how you actually define a homewrecker. Is it a person who single mindedly sets out to destroy your marriage (get your spouse for example because he is well to do) or is it simply a person who gets involved with a married person and in the process the involvement leads to a marriage breakdown? They are different things, in my mind.
So yes I do believe there are women who are homewreckers and the others who by virtue of their actions/involvement end up wrecking a home.

Yes I absolutely believe that there are many things one can do to strengthen your union with your partner to make it stongER and more resistant,however I do not believe that is a guarantee of a lifetime of bliss with one’s partner/spouse or a guarantee that ‘the other woman syndrome’ will never never happen to you.

Anyone who has been in a long marriage (decades) would tell you that often life gives marriage quite a beating. Couples deal with child rearing, chronically sick children, tragedies like death in families, serious illnesses, middle age crisis (both men and woman), expectations of extended families, in laws, the often mentioned financial strains; this list is far from exhaustive.

I think every long term relationship has its vulnerable moments, in fact several of them throughout life, because we humans are faced with the numerous challenges of life itself. And sometimes the other woman and (hey lets be fair to the men) the other man syndrome tends to rear its ugly head in such moments even in marriages that are fundamentally sound.

This is not to take away the point you made Renee about taking good care of your relationship to help prevent ‘homewrecker incidences’ but I would not put all blame on the wronged spouse (man or women) either.

I do however totally agree with you as you say in your article that ‘As soon as you blame the other woman, not only is this not classy, it completely strips you of your power as a woman. Power to learn and grow and do what’s best for your relationship’.

I couldnt agree more on this one. A woman who refuses to learn, get smarter and grow IS the real tragedy.

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Sophie Lhoste Reply:
November 30th, 2010 at 2:00 am

I agree!

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Brilliant, Renee. And so very true. Thanks.

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I quite agree! I have always found that annoying when people blame the other woman! Although I was sad to see Brad go to Angelina, lol Darren and I made a deal before we got married. I told him if he ever cheated I would forgive him once. I said if he felt the need to cheat that there was something wrong with our marriage and sign we need to work on things, but twice and he would be gone. After 18 years he still tells me he is holding out for the day Halle Berry knocks on his door so he can take advantage of his one time pass, lol!

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Masaleen Reply:
November 3rd, 2010 at 5:35 pm

I hope you don’t one day regret making that deal>< I would never make a deal like that with my man.

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SirenSong Reply:
February 5th, 2013 at 6:36 am

Jennifer, congratulations for having the spirit of confidence and authenticity to have that conversation with your man! I think it sounds like a perfect arrangement… I hope it goes both ways, in case you ever run into a sexy male celebrity yourself

Honestly, I don’t know why some people are so black and white about monogamy. Sure, someone who is a serial cheater or a sex addict has issues, and isn’t suited to a life with one person or the responsibility of a family. But is 100% fidelity required for a happy marriage? I doubt it. Certainly not in France… haha. Having a fling during a “rough patch” in the marriage, or a one night stand with someone in a lapse of drunken bad judgement, does not take away all the love and memories someone has with their partner if they really love them.

In my marriage, I would have loved to deal with an affair, instead of the far more serious issues that ended it. By the time it was all over, I envied women who thought an affair was the worst betrayal that could happen to them!

Now if I were ever married again, I would tell my husband, “If you ever cheat, don’t worry… I’ll forgive you, right after I get my “payback” with Hugh Jackman!” When you can laugh about it, you have a healthy relationship… and when you can laugh about the past, you know it’s healed.

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Good article Renee, I agree.

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kay Reply:
March 8th, 2013 at 6:34 pm

As much as i would have liked to, did not get around to reading a majority of inputs on “homewreckers”. I live in a country where what is mostly topical at this point if rape/violence and in particular violence against women and children. Pain that is inflicted physically, is painful and enduring for the lifetime of the sufferer. There is other damaging pain, without in any way comparing pain and weighing it, tthat is virtually impossible, but it is that insidious psychological and emotional enduring and equally devastating pain. Being consistently lied to, manipulated, deceived, watched studied and inflicted by the ‘clever’ one, so they think. What some married women do not realise about their “seduced” husbands, is the connivance that is played with them and the other ‘love interest’ as i choose to call this category of some of these women. Men, in some way, thanks to the still very highly institutionalised and partricachial society we move in, can still ‘get away with it’, blameless, forced into things,,,, really? for as long as, us women, mothers, wives, girlfriends, etc, take and enconse this stance, married men, our lovers, our brothers, men, will forage, hurt, grab , destroy, violate, betray, hurt, and move pretty much effortlessly without as much as accountability for their actions being put on the table, because someone else will take the fall for their lack of integrity and unscrupulous deceitful, manipulative, power hungry, narcisstic or saddistic motives translated in their actions. It is present whether truly understandable, or acceptable, that that will persist given the nature and weight of men and women in relationships in a world which is stil largely dictated, directed, and ruled significantly by the male species. Does it suprise anyone that when rape or direct physical abuse takes place in a home the female parent is often still in doubt about believing the silent or articulated screams of this girl child who is dying slowly and painfully quietly from the hurt that they may very well be enduring day in and day out from the male at home: crying silently or loudly to the mother, female figure that refuses to see or believe. This is the very thing that is perpetuated in marital relationships where men come out ie are perceived/believed blindly , again and again, as not capable of committing such atrocious acts. And in the mean time they continue again and again and again to inflict pain and damage an unspeakable hurt and devastation. Why can they go out and ‘mistress’ and get away with it as it were? Are we, women giving these men leverage? Are we defending their behaviour by blaming the ‘other’ for their indescretions? At which point does responsibility, accountability, respect, truth, integrity show up? for these men that is?
Not that i had much evidence of the lies spoken to me consistently with a straight face of a sociopath. At some point i had to pay attention to my instincts. It paid rewards in the end, rewards that both devasted the essence of my being and shook me to the chore. Coming face to face with the truth took me to the places of light and darkness that i had simply not prepared any of my being for. What when you think you ‘get’ people, you have some insight into people, their ways etc? What when you trust and take pity, comfort the person who is in such a debilitating marriage? loves you more than life itself? weeps, begs and pleads when you leave them and all your heart can do is feel . what a cold hearted person you are being by not appreciating this unspeakable place that this person sits in. You tell your friends and family, because your shared love is not a secret. and they share as much pity and pour support and love? well of course they- him and his supposedly sleepy, suicidal, mentally unstable, totally unloved wife, live in different towns and so there isn’t that i have to go home now its seven etc. Your- mine and his- relationshiop is public, open, nothing hidden, well at least certainly as far as I am concernced because there is nothing to be ashamed of, in fact we not doing any wrong, I love you, you love me but the forces of nature keep us apart ,but, wait, he is working on them, You have now had enough of his pain and you certainly can’t bear to see him in that situation and you tell him just as much. I love you, you say to him, you are my friend, my best friend, and it hurts me to see you like this, There is nothing i can do to help you, it all lies in your hands, Tell your children (34 and 32 that it is not fair for them to cry and beg you stay with their mother – who knows now what the truth is?, You too deserve your life as much as they do, your children have their lives with their families. Speak openly to them about your life and your feelings, hope that they can respect and understand your openness, your feelings. But speak out. Only you can do that. If you can’t do that i cannot help you and I don’t want to see you that like that ,you say to him, as i did. That was in fact an ultimatum. Save yourself as only you can. I cannot do it for you. If you don’t do it yourself stay away from me because you are compromising my health and i can not bear to see you like that. Bearing in mind that apparently that each time the divorce was discussed she -the wife -would try to commit suicide. So i was told. One can lie and lie but the truth has a way of showing up when least expected and certainly with a rather unexpected face. The one called truth would indeed show up. Lies, manipulation, deciet were exposed. Never, never underestimate the power of your instinct. In my heart I knew that deception and lies had to come to an end. Sociopaths have a very sophisticated manner of cruising as i call it. Lie to the one victim to deceive the other. Mind you they- wife and lover- are never in the same space together at the same time so you have the POWER to present whatever picture suits the occassion. On that night, i asked him for his phone. I got into it, sitting right infront of him and looked up his wife and simply called her. I greeted and apologised for the late call, told her my name without going into detail and simply said: “Mike has something that he wants to say to you,” Period. However limited that venture was, but it would give me an opportunity to be a part of a conversation that would reveal a lot more than i had anticipated. Well, what had i anticipated? Well,certainly an end to the mess of feeling like i was lied to, deceived, and definitely by a man that i adored, my friend, my confidante, That evening, Valentine’s Day, whatever that is, things like, shock, rage, fury, immense heat within my body, devastation, weakness, outrage, fire, anger, desbelief, betrayal, deception, would engulf me, rock and rattle me and do all sorts of unspeakable things to me, no differet from his actions and behaviour. These feelings would in the next few days and weeks rob me of my peaceful sleep, my desire to eat, see the sun shine, watch it set, answer loving concerned friends phone calls, lump in my bed, and even compel me to write to my office with words such as; I just can’t rise. I am finished. In between the feelings of feeling finished, stupid, complicit, betrayed, devastated, battling for my sanity between countless cigarettes and countless glasses of wine i would be plotting revenge and destruction. Something wholly foreign to my nature. I would swing between spending endless minutes on the internet on DSMR 4 nd 5; blaming, weeping, cursing, and feeling entirely lost. Here was a powerful man that i could bring down and then what? What> these are the incurable types. How much can you beg one man to tell the truth? He would never tell Lydia or Harry his son, or Ellen the truth. He would not know what that is. He has purely been lying, and deceiving. That is him. That was his oxygen. I would fight for the truth i told myself until as the seasons changed after yet another sleep disturbed evening/morning it struck me that, wait, what is going on here. This bitterness, the need to hurt as much and humiliate was sucking me down under. That was corruption seeping into my bloodstream. I was becoming this thing that i detested, I was succumbing to the world of darkness. I was staying involved so to speak. The power now lay in my hands. I knew the destruction that i could unravel upon him and his family. But they had nothing to do with this mad person. One thing for sure at that point: I was not going to become anything like him. If i continued in that vain he would still explicitly enjoy his hold on me. I had to deny him that, for my sake and my well being. I would take and keep my power to be the beautiful person that i am and want to be in the face of adversity. I often remember his words: No one can be selfrighteous when angry. Hhm. I have gone on and on. But here it is: Cheating men should and must be held accountable. Passing blame to the ‘other’ condones their behaviour. Revenge is a dish best served cold? Not worth it. Good positive and constructive healing energy is better invested elsewhere. in healing the self. It is not with the sociopath, the destructive, grossly negligent and cruel replica of a human feeling being.
They have robbed you of far too much enough already, why indulge them anymore?. Remember this, you were a toy, you were a plaything, Look, now they have finished playing with you. They have discarded you. Most probably even lied really hard about you because they have no skin to tell the truth. They do no have integrity. Hard, cold and painful as it may sound, it feels pretty much like that too, hurtful. Accept that and seek, accept, and gain and harness the strength to move on. and yes you can do that, you will because you can heal. Depending on where you are, sometimes you will feel week and on other days stronger. It is a progressive realisation and you have an opportunity to get to know yourself better. Take it. Ben Okri in Astonishing the Gods, suggests strongly that we sit with our pain, that we look at it, try and understand it, learn from it, Try not be too quick to escape, There is a lot to be learned in the face of deep profound pain. Take a good look at its face, it may very well present again, the next time it does, you will recognise it and shun it. Stay as beautiful as you are, get stronger, feel better, do better because you will know better. Sparkle. One love, as my friend Doc would say.

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