There’s no Such Thing as a Home-wrecker

There’s no Such Thing as a Home-wrecker

There’s no Such Thing as a Home-Wrecker

It always disappoints yet amazes me the number of women and men who blame and hate on “the other woman” or “the other man”. Yes, affairs and cheating are heart-breaking, and for most couples, it’s the kiss of death.

It makes me cringe when I hear of the wife or girlfriend screaming at the other woman, blaming her, and asking how could she/he do this!? Don’t they have any respect? What normal person with morals would tempt a husband or wife?

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Though I understand the pain of being cheated on (I’ve been through it myself), and I can understand that in those moments of vulnerability and pain, that we want to lash out at the “other woman”, it’s actually got nothing to do with the other woman.

There is no such thing as a home-wrecker simply because if a third party can enter the relationship bubble, then your relationship was weak to start off with. There is no such thing as a home-wrecker because if it was all based on another person ‘tempting’ our partner, or entering our partner’s proximity with bad intentions, then no relationship would ever work out, and we might as well never have an intimate relationship, and they would never be worth it, and we could all remain single. (read my article about if you keep doing this you will always be single)

This is like constantly fearing you’re going to be robbed. Imagine what this would do to your state of mind. You may not always actively worry about someone stealing your man, but if underneath you have the idea that other women are threats to you, then your whole world is going to be unbalanced, and you will ultimately experience suffering within yourself and in your relationship.

Tell me, what exactly is the point of being in an intimate relationship if other people can threaten your position as husband/wife or girlfriend/boyfriend so easily?

The problem is that a lot of women fear the apparently more attractive woman having the ability to take their man. Take a look at the brouhaha surrounding Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

It’s easy for women to look at another woman, and think that her beauty, status and enchanting disposition are a threat. Then the jealousy ensues…..and the controlling behavior surfaces…..and worse still; women start to cause themselves suffering and pain. Regardless of whether or not someone like Angelina Jolie or the gorgeous girl next door have bad intentions with your husband or boyfriend, a successful and passionate relationship will thrive and remain strong.

I understand that another woman disrespecting your position as girlfriend or wife is disappointing, and yes, a lot of women do get a big rush from seeing if they can steal a man from a woman, and this is not right. I’m not making this behavior OK.

However, it’s ultimately about the relationship, and the man you are in a relationship with. It’s his decision to value the relationship. It’s his perception and values that matter in this situation. As soon as you blame the other woman, not only is this not classy, it completely strips you of your power as a woman. Power to learn and grow and do what’s best for your relationship. If you blame a third party for something that is ultimately your own responsibility – your relationship – then all hope is gone. You are supposed to have the power in a relationship, not a third party. A woman who knows the power of femininity knows this.

Other women are simply not threats and should not be to a loving and passionate relationship where there is a lot of attraction already. Ultimately, if we choose to see other people as a threat to our special relationship, then we cannot be empowered. We cannot do anything about it, and we’ll end up in disappointment.

Hint: know who you are in a relationship with. Don’t get in to a relationship with somebody whom you know doesn’t value their relationship as number one.

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Do you think the notion of a home wrecker is an out-of-date idea?


  • Anna C

    Hello Renee, I don’t know if you still read comments on such old articles, but I just want to say thank you, this article saved me today. There is a very aggressive woman (she’s a sexual predator) aggressively pursuing my man, and everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. She’s one of those people you mentioned above that gets a rush from being able to steal another woman’s man. At first it was shocking to me, as relationships are the things I value the most, and for anyone to threaten the sanctity of that, I just cannot comprehend. So, it took me a few days to get over the initial shock, as her aggressiveness was quite abnormal, but inside I knew that becoming insecure about it was allowing her to get inside our relationship, and that adding value by increasing attraction & connection was what mattered. My mind knew but my body didn’t, at first. Then I read your article again & looked through the content I purchased again, and for some reason, your writing really speaks to me and calms my emotions like no other resource. You truly are a gift to femininity here. Thanks for your work…

    Anyways, after taking a few days to mentally sort out just what was going on, I realised that this encounter (it is still going on as she is still aggressively stalking my man) has made me feel more love and connection to others, who are not evil. Men & women alike. I am able to see more clearly which people are good natured, and am able to appreciate them more. Perhaps what I was lacking which made me feel insecure, was a stronger connection with my man. Hopefully I can transfer this feeling into bringing more connection to the relationship, and focus more on that, and not on her.

  • Jane

    I was “the other woman”, I met him online, he answered an ad I had placed. He had been cheating on his wife for years and yes I feel bad for her, she deserves better. I was suffering, trying to cope with having been raped and nearly killed just a couple months earlier, I was in a major depression and not being treated, I was trying to numb the pain, I was not thinking in fact I was trying desperately to not think and not feel.
    I met with him a few times for rough sex, his wife never found out but even so I am very sorry.

  • Nes

    Wow… I’m so glad I get to know this blog now. Perfect timing! Lol
    I kinda of agree “in theory” with this article and I can sense the truth in it. However I would like to know the opinion of the others here on “what if you’r going through a difficult situation (loosing a family, your job…) or if you’r pregnant”. Those moments could be very challenging for the relationship and we (men and women) don’t always hold the keys to control what we feel or what we wanna do. Of course choosing the “right one” is a good moove but … There’s no guarantee to anything. So what to do? Straying is easy. Thank God I love difficult. But I hope never have to go through the excruciating pain of forgiving cheating (whereas I decide to stay or leave) ^_^

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  • KamilaDalmate

    The partner has a right to get mad at the other woman/man as long as they get mad at their husband/wife also. All I’m getting from this article is that the other person shouldn’t feel guilty for being 50% of the reason someone’s heart get’s brokenor their family get’s destroyed, and that’s means you aren’t human anymore. Fine don’t call them a homewrecker just kick both of their asses… literally beat the shit out of them. Especially if it involves kids, my mom is so messed up from watching my grandfather cheat on my grandmother, so don’t even try to say that it has no affect on the kids.

  • Jane231

    Plain and simple, if a husband/wife strays, the husband/wife should be blamed for wrecking the home. The other person isn’t innocent by any means but they in no way have the power to MAKE someone stray from their marriage. And to answer the question posed earlier: “Why do women feel the need to destroy happy relationships?” It is impossible for an outsider to destroy a happy relationship. If a woman is able to to sleep with your man then your man is a scumbag. If anything the other woman did you a favor in that you now know your spouse is a scumbag.

    • Jessica

      I agree with you Jane. If a husband, man, wife, or woman cheats, the scorned person should go after their mate, not other person. A man or woman can destroy a relationship or marriage if they allow it. Yeah, the other person may just show you that you have a low-life for a husband or wife. No one can break happy and strong relationship or marriage. It takes two to make it sweet and two to make it go bad.

  • ferder

    Promoting family breakups making the homewrecker innocent ,people who breaks families need to be blamed

    • Jane231

      Where is she promoting family break ups? She is simply saying no woman/man has the power to break up a solid marriage. If a husband or wife strays…it’s the husband or wife’s fault. They should not want to stray.

  • S

    I’m so glad I found this article. I’ve always despised the term “home-wrecker” in that I feel it completely directs the victim’s attention away from the cheater who should be entirely at blame. I like to explain my reasoning using two scenarios, both have the same exact man, but different women. In scenario 1, a man approaches a woman saying “I’m in a relationship, but do you want to sleep with me?” and she says “No thank you.” In scenario 2, the same man approaches another woman asking the same exact question stating “I’m in a relationship, but do you want to sleep with me?” and she says “Sure.” If you, as his girlfriend/wife, would be more likely to give him a second chance in the first scenario than in the second scenario, I feel sorry for you. This shows that you’re establishing your decision to be in a relationship with someone based off of the people around him, rather than who you should be basing it off of, which is him and only him. This man is the same exact scum bag in both scenarios, but you apparently feel that a man is not a cheater until the act has been done. No, a man is a cheater the moment he pursues another woman, regardless if she rejects his favors or not. Even if the woman is the one who pursues your man, like Renee said, another woman should not be a threat in any way, shape or form if your relationship is healthy. If she is a threat, you as the woman need to reevaluate your life and understand that you deserve better than this man, rather than wasting your time and energy being angry with a woman who really does not give two sh*ts. However, intentionally going after men who you’re aware are in a relationship/married is not a behavior that I condone. But the term “home-wrecking” is a term that insinuates a woman is responsible for the deterioration of your relationship/marriage/family, and I just find that down right ridiculous.

    • Allison

      I couldn’t agree more. Calling another woman a “home-wrecker” insinuates that if she hadn’t slept with your man, you would’ve stayed with him and everything would be fine. No, the relationship should end regardless if the woman accepted your man or rejected him. It all comes down to his actions. At the end of the day, if the other woman is a complete stranger to you, your relationship is not her problem or concern, she is truly allowed to do whatever the hell she wants. the other woman was not in a committed relationship with you, therefore she owes you nothing. I also agree with you in that it isn’t ok for a woman to purposely pursue men who are taken, I find that to be a psychological issue. But if a man approaches a woman and she knows he is in a relationship but is also physically attracted to him, she should be able to do whatever her heart desires without guilt following.

  • Ash


    Before you call the other woman be sure to know that she knowingly participated in having an affair with a married man.

    I was 16 years old when I met this guy who claimed he was 20. I was in an on again and off again relationship with this guy for years and then I remained friends with him on and off… anyhow he lied to me for about 15 years and I found out from getting a call from his wife threatening to call the police on me and that I was a homewrecker. Turns out this guy had actually been 23 years old dating a 16 year old and that he lied about everything. He already had twins by that phase! It was a complete and utter shock to me and I still hear her accusatory voice in my head. I had no idea and although I no longer loved him and I had dated other people in our friend’s phase, my heart was broken by the betrayal. I think about revenge often, but sometimes stop because I don’t want to cause his family pain, but it hurts me that actually apologized to her not knowing his real age, that he had children or a wife and yet she treated me like a homewrecker.

  • jessica

    I am a feminist. I certainly agree with the notion that not all “other women” are purposefully breaking up families. Not all of them know. Further, not all other men are wrecking families. Not all of them know, either. However, for the ones who do know. Yes, you have successfully participated in and ARE in fact 50% responsible for the dissolution of a family.We can sit here and wax idiotic about empowering ourselves and embracing true womanhood, but the fact of the matter is holding in your anger, especially when it is well deserved towards both parties involved, is not feminine. It’s weak, IMHO. I don’t think I have ever gotten mad at a female who I was left for. Generally, they didn’t know, and frankly, I hardly cared because i was not married to them. But I have just watched my best friend of 32 years (we are 39) be abandoned by a husband who needed time….aka in comes the ex-convict meth manufacturer, who knows he is married (small town) and voila! within two weeks of her release, she has landed herself a family man. Both of them are complete pieces of shit. Since when did we start excusing bad behavior. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like a duck….well, by Darwin, it’s probably a damn duck. Shitty people are shitty and should be called out on it. The term applies to both genders, so you cannot really claim that I am being anti-feminine. I do not slut shame, etc, as long as you are responsible for your own person and do not harm anyone else. Helping to tear a family apart that involves small children is pretty damn harmful. Those people should be ashamed. And because what they do is so despicable, there is legal recourse against these people. Alienation of affection is the legal term.

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  • Lyn

    So recently this man would constantly annoy me telling me he wants to see me and wants to “hook up” and I would ignore it. I knew he had a girlfriend who was pregnant. One day I was having a tough time at
    work and he asked me to come see him cus he had somthing to tell me. I went and seen him, not having any intentions of doing anything. And so he would go on about how he had this and that, how he’s seeing all these other women behind his girlfriends back. Then he told me my ex cheated on me multiple times. That hurt and I was on my way to leave, he asked me to hug him, I said no. Than he got up and hugged me and put me on the bed and started kissing me. He then tryed to pull his pants down and I told him I didn’t want to have sex with him. So he performed oral. I let him for about 10 mins then I started thinking of my ex, so I left. Then his girlfriend messaged me asking why I was talking to her man, I let her know everything. I told her the honest truth that he invited me over multiple times and I rejected him. Then I told her how he performed oral. And that he also was seeing many different womem too. Now I’m the bad person and my name is a home wrecker. By the way he’s a gemeni

    • pink

      Thats because you are a home-wrecker. Plain and simple. I don’t care what any of these girls say. The thing that qualifies you for the title “home-wrecker” is that you knew fully that he had a woman he was with and she was pregnant with his child. This is not to say that he has no fault because he is genuinely a piece of crap. But his responsibility and lack of morals doesn’t make you any less scum.

      These other women on her want to talk about how the wife is responsible for the man’s infidelity but the woman he cheats with is not but that’s complete crap… if you know he is married or in a relationship and you climb into bed with him – it makes you as much scum as the man you sleep with. If you didn’t know then it wouldn’t be on you. But you did know. You knew he was involved. You knew what he wanted from you. And you going to a room with a bed then you are going to do what he has been trying to get you to do.

      This makes you as sick as him. So congrats… you’re on his level now.

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  • Holly

    OMG, I have to comment on this one as I hate this too and find it really annoying.

    The woman should be angry at the man as he’s the one who cheated on her and what if the other woman had no idea anyway!

    Obviously the woman will natrualy be angry at her man also but it’s annoying and makes me feel angry when they blame the other women and treat their boyfriends like it’s ok and basically in so many words let him off the hook.

    This actually happened to my sister and I felt so bad for her that she’d been in an abusive relationship for 11 years and then got cheated on.

    She dumped his ase and has never taken him back but I actually think things we’re taken to far when she talked about useing a knife to hurt the other women and smashing her windows in.

    Understanderbly my sister had every entitlement to be angry as it was her friend who she’d taken under her wing when nobody else liked Tanya the woman.

    Tanya has kids though so their well-being should come first.

    Thankfully nothing actually happened as Tanya moved schools but my sister actually said to the universe, please let my boyfriend cheat as it’s the only way I’ll be able to leave him as he was very abusive and kept her trapped.

    Really, the woman/men who get cheated on should be thankful to the third party for setting them free and saving them time from a relationship that should be discontinued.

    What I would do in future situations if the situation called for it would be to kiss the person I was with and say thankyou with a self pleasing smile on my face and thank them for showing me that I’m worth something better and then wish them both happiness and glad they have found each other, hoping they will be happy together.

    By this action it’s a way of saying, do you know what, I deserve better than this and I’m not going to stand for less. Obviously someone is not into me as much as I thought but that’s ok because I can find more of what I’m looking for elsewear.

    Obviously they wouldn’t have been the person I thought they was anyway and not worth the stress or Africation.

    I would probably react angry initially but my final responce would be of pride and I would project no big deal, maybe with sarcastic amusement but in a way that I’m really happy and empowered so they would be confused and angry so I don’t have to for someone else’s behavior.

    Yes, even better to tell yourself your a worthy person and that it doesn’t matter what happens in life because you trust in yourself to handle whatever life throws on your path.

    I think as long as a person can trust in themselves then they need not concern themselves into trusting others as they’ll trust in themselves to make smart right decision.

    It’s kind of like saying you can’t live life from an external point of veiw because that causes misery and puts your power into everybody else’s hands and that’s nobody else’s place.

    On a final note I would like to add also that nobody can reject you in life, only a person really doe’s that to themselve. People are always capable of causing us pain and harm but it’s truly upto us as individuals what we do with that input. Case in point, determine your own worth and bounderies in life.

    Easier said than done I know, maybe they should teach mental health and well being in schools as it could really help alot of children.

  • Fran

    Not sure if I agree on a few things on this article. I’m 21 and my boyfriend of 18months is 27yrs old. There’s an older woman whose in her fifties (single and tries to be young) who works as a receptionist and flirts with my boyfriend – in front of me. I’ve confronted my boyfriend about this issue and he was very understanding about it and is sad that this is making me feel angry. He said he would feel rage if the roles were to be reversed. My question is, why do women feel the need to destroy happy relationships? She clearly sees us checking into the gym together and knows we are a couple but she still flirts. It’s driving me insane, it’s making me feel nervous and sick to the stomach. Please give me some advice? And how do I control my emotions? (I don’t want to be an insecure and controlling girlfriend !) x

    • Nana

      Hi Fran.
      Maybe it’s a chance that you see this woman flirting in front of you with your boyfriend because this is something that probably happens with some other women when you are not with your boyfriend. Then, it’s a opportunity to build more confidence. Indeed, if he is pretty attractive, he must be hit on by other girls/women. So how does this idea make you feel?
      First, could you tell us more about how this “flirtarious” situation at the gym happen. I mean how does your boyfriend react? Do you feel like your boyfriend is “entering the game” ? Because I guess, if he were totally cold to the atempts of the women you wouldnt be so jealous, would you? Actually, no flirt can come up if one of the person refuse to keep the situation to that level, don’t you think?
      So, if you feel he is totally flattered and then is ok to “flirt” with her, it’s normal you feel insecure because well, even if his intentions are not to not respect you, he does. Because you are here, with him. But his need to get “attention” ( like we do, women) is stronger than anything at this moment.
      And this is what you need to understand from this situation : They both (or just the woman if your boyfriend does not react at her speech) want/are flattered by attention. That’s all.
      You say : ” My question is, why do women feel the need to destroy happy relationships?” Do you really think these womens goals are to destroy happy relationships? Some probably, many of them don’t. Destroying a happy relationship is eventually just a consequence of their first goal ( well, if it’s possible to destroy a happy/fulfilling relationship in the first place..), which is just : Getting attention/ love from someone who appears insanely attractive to them…Maybe even more because they already have a girlfriend. Because if a woman decided to share her life with him, that is the proof that he is probably worthy, isnt he? This is what happen at least in the human brain. People are attracted by what others have because this means, “if they have it it must be cool, I need it too, I so want it too”. Like when you are looking for a job, it can be hard, until you finally found one and other companies, seeing that, are suddenly very interested in you ! You have more chance to find a new job when you are already in a job than when you are unemployed.
      So with your situation, understand that there is no danger. It’s just a “cheap attention” thingy going on. Actually understand that this is if you show some fear and insecurity toward this situation that you bring the danger. Because actually what is happening with this other woman, is very LOW LEVEL (cheap attention…) so if you take this seriously, you put yourself even more LOW LEVEL and this is what, if repetedly, will represent a danger to your relationship.
      If you see clearly/deeply how this woman is playing this little game from a low level place and, if your boyfriend responds positively to it, he is responding from a place of basic low value ego too (or maybe just courtesy because he does not want her to feel bad), then you can only feel like you are viewing the situation from above, far away from their childish feelings and feel nothing but amusement or a light pity.
      So when it happens, you just have to draw a little smile on your face, turn around and go do your own things with joy and strenght. This is how you show yourself high-value ++ and how this woman will appear even more insignifiant to your boyfriend. Don’t tell him with words, but what you need to think is that if your boyfriend were to cheat on you with this woman or any other woman, this is him who would loose something, not you (Cause only low-value women regret men who show little respect to them) ! If you think this way, you begin to feel high-value and then you can act high value, and then your boyfriend knows in his gut that indeed, if he were to cheat on you, he would be the LOSER not you. Something many men doubt of, when they are in the presence of a cute nice girl but who does not show high-value….Cause the world is full of cute nice girls, they can easily switch them. It’s different when they are in the presence of a HIGH-VALUE cute nice girl…Oh and you know what ? If you show high-value, he will have no choice but acting from a high-value place himself to be at your level, so it’s more than probable that he will start to show absolutely no interest at all to the women looking for cheap attention from him …

    • Anna C

      Hi Fran. Maybe I can help. I read your post & the first thing I thought about doing was to laugh at the 50 year old woman. Because, really, is there anything she can do for your bf that you cannot do? Not really. Is she better than you for your bf? Hell no. The next time she flirts, in front of you, just smile at her knowing this information. She’s 50. She’s probably WAY more threatened of you than you are of her. And you have nothing to worry about if your relationship has enough attraction & connection already. She could be Angelina Jolie, and she wouldn’t be able to get her hands on your bf. Attraction is like an invisible bubble you guys would have. Nothing will penetrate it. So every time you get insecure about that other woman, just focus on building those 2 things with your man. You asked about how to control your emotions as to not appear like the jealous gf. I think that the object is not to control your emotions, which can be useful in maintaining connection with your man, but to assign a different meaning to them. So, you see this 50 year old woman flirting with your man. You are angry because you think she is trying to take away your bf. Ok. How about if you see it this way: She is lonely, she is 50, and she just wants to get a little attention each day flirting with someone she cannot have, because he is safe, and god forbid if he ever comes to pursue her, she wouldn’t know what to do because she thinks so lowly of herself that she cannot deal with someone actually liking her. So she thinks – “this guy is half my age & he’s in a relationship. Seems like a safe bet for me! If I were to flirt with actual single 50 year old men, they might actually come to pursue me & OMG! THEN would would I do??” I don’t know, you can make up your own story. Changing your meaning on an action will help change your emotions.

    • Kelley

      Hi Fran! I could write almost exactly what you wrote here about my own relationship (except that I’m older and it’s a younger woman who’s flirting with my man). My guy says the exact same thing yours does! He’d feel rage if the shoe was on the other foot! here’s the conclusion I came to: my guy really IS a nice guy! And he’s cute, too! I understand ~why~ this woman’s doing what she’s doing. She doesn’t value herself very much. If her own life was great, she wouldn’t feel a need to disrespect my relationship. And THAT’s what bothers me: this woman is disrespecting me and she’s disregarding our relationship. Not cool. But my boyfriend is faithful and has a good heart so, even though I’ll never like it when low value women do what this woman is trying to do, on some level, I pity them because no one who really likes herself would feel a need to try to cling to a man who isn’t hers, know what I mean? Best wishes to you and I hope I helped!

  • Anna

    I used to be on the side of the wives /gfs who think home wreckers are scum. But then I realised that Renée is right. When do you want to cheat? When you haven’t been getting your needs met in the relationship. If you were, could you cheat even if you tried? I’d find it hard to. The fact is, if there is cheating, the relationship is broken, and it takes 2 to break it.

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