There’s no Such Thing as a Home-wrecker

I completely agree with your post. I’m so tired of hearing the word “home wrecker”, since there is no such thing. A husband is a human being who can make choices of his own, not an object you could steal. While it’s not the best choice for a woman to be with a married man, or vice versa, no one is putting a gun to his head forcing him to be with her.

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Zeny Durano is a homewrecker. She tried to wreck my home and I advise you to keep her away from your man. What I don’t understand about these woman is why they feel they have a right to make judgements on the husband’s and wife’s relationship. Who are they to say “oh, I’m better for you than your wife.” They know nothing of the good times, or the reasons for the bad times. They know nothing of the couple’s history together. The only thing they know, is what they want and they make excuses for why their actions are justified. They either get a challenge out of ruining a family like its some kind of contest or they are extremely selfish and want something someone else has and just don’t care who they hurt in the process. Most homewreckers only see the husbands side of why things aren’t working out and don’t bother to think about the wife’s. In most cases, men are only using homewreckers for temporary pleasure. In any case they have no idea what the wife’s life is like or the sacrifices she makes for her husband and family.

If women, like Zeny really cared about these men they should respect their families and find their own. And the men should really think with their brains, not their penises, of what they are risking.

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I tend to agree and disagree with this article. Some women prey on married men, and yes the man could say no, but these women are sneaky and it’s all about low self esteem on their part. They want to see if they could take a man off another woman? How about fixing yourself and finding your own man?
On the other hand I was the “other” woman, but I didn’t know I was. He told me they were in the process of getting a divorce and both agree that they were better off as friends and not being married – she moved away to NY and he stayed in NM with me. Well I believed him since he showed me emails where she wished him well with me – I’m sure he faked them or fed her some bs too. Anyway to make a long story short I found out he was still married to her and still sleeping with her. I called her to tell her that he was two timing both of us and she turned on me calling me a home wrecker. To this day, she still tells people I ruined her marriage even though she is remarried and just had a baby.

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hmmm i guess then my girlfriend who met a married man…knew he was married, became friends with the wife, had both their ears and then took a long time to slowly seduce the husband away from the wife…isn’t a home wrecker then?? hmmm interesting…

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Absolutely disagree with you 100%. The man is accountable 100%. But it’s a lack of respect on behalf of the other woman or man. As humans we need to respect each other. That person could have said no and didn’t. I believe they ARE beholden to the spouse on whom their partner is cheating BECAUSE they are participating in the act. The man should not cheat in the first place. This is ABSOLUTELY true, but if people stopped being “available” to cheat with – then it wouldn’t be a problem.

However, that idea IS nullified when the third party does NOT know their partner is married/in a relationship – you cannot be accountable for something you had no idea about. You just can’t. However, when the time comes and you DO learn about it, and you choose to stay, that’s the moral dilemma.

The fact is, as women who allow themselves to be with a married man, they obviously have a ton of low-self esteem and a lack of respect for other humans. As women, we should lobby to respect ourselves, and others, and stop participating in activities which allow slut-shaming.

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Renee Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Hey D,

It’s a fact of life – people will disrespect you. People will do lots of things – judge you, be nasty, bitch about you, tear you down to make themselves feel more significant, take a seat on the train for themselves without considering whether you need one.

Unfortunately, by placing “blame” and saying that the other woman is “beholden” to the spouse on whom their partner is cheating, you are stripping yourself of power, and now, you’re the ‘victim’.

Victim games simply don’t work in relationships.

By the way, beholden in what way? what do they really OWE? An apology? A oh I’m so sorry I slipped on to your husband’s private parts? I’m sorry for “disrespecting” you?

And if you get it, then what? If you make them pay, then what? Even if you don’t make them pay, if you make THEM wrong – then what? You will be HAPPY? You’ll be satisfied?

No, of course you won’t!

I’m not making their actions ok!
And I’m certainly not making the cheating spouse’s actions ok.

It’s just that, the focus should simply NOT be on blaming THEIR (the 3rd party) actions, if you want to learn from the whole experience and make your relationship better, or leave and make the next one better.

Yes, the husband or wife who cheated should be 100% accountable for THEIR actions, and the spouse who was cheated on must also take responsibility for their own actions in the relationship.

Unfortunately, relationships are so counter-intuitive, they are not for most people.

Most people WILL blame, and victimize themselves, and point the finger at their spouse. No wonder so many relationships fail.

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Meike Reply:
May 10th, 2011 at 5:33 am

I see what you are saying here D. In fact, your feelings sound oddly familiar. And you are RIGHT to say that people should have respect. I think the general lack of respect everywhere in our modern world is tragic. But – don’t let yourself be victimised. Don’t EVER become a victim to other people’s actions or circumstance. Call on your inner resources to fight for what you want! If you are in a situation where people have clearly disrespected you, isn’t it empowering for YOU to get up, dust yourself off, and make it better than them? What kind of a life is it for you, if you depend on someone, a man perhaps, to create a happy home around you? If you carry that happy home inside of you on the other hand, nobody can take it from you.

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If you neglect your man he will be easy pickings for someone that WILL pay attention to him. Simple as that. No big mystery here.

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D. Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 2:01 pm

What about those who do not neglect their men, are the perfect housewife and lover, and are still cheated on?

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Brianne Reply:
May 10th, 2011 at 11:54 am

yup…my buddy cheated on his wife…they had a great sex life is what he said…yet he still cheated…

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I think this is one of those topics that everyone twists around to make it much more complex than it has to be. I speak from experience, and the conclusion which I think is most fitting is that infidelity stems from choices.

If your man made a choice to cheat, that is his choice and he has a right to choose (as long as he is not breaking any laws). The ‘other’ woman, she also had a choice (given that she knews she was involving herself with a taken man). Everyone made a choice, and when all hits the fan, you have to make a choice too. Do you leave him? Do you give him another chance?

You can blame this other woman, or you can blame your man, or you can blame yourself. But really, it just comes down to the SIMPLE fact that your man did not see you as valuable enough to not betray. When he did a quick weigh-out in his mind, your value didn’t overwhelm the benefits of having an affair. It doenst necessarily mean that there is something wrong with you or your relationship….it just simply wasnt enough to keep him from straying. Doesnt mean the “other” woman is a better or more attractive person, but you do have to end up accepting the fact that her perceived value at that time exceeded yours.

I think all is fair in love and war. It hurts and it cuts you till you bleed. But, it is what it is isnt it? If your man thought you were an absolute necessity and treasure to his life, well, he has a brain, he can make choices that parallel his perception of you. If he does cheat, he could put it off as a momentary lapse of judgement but does that make a difference really? At that moment it is already clear that you weren’t good enough. You are still a good person and ‘good enough’ for many people, but not to him. That’s just something you have to understand and accept. You shouldn’t let it make you feel bad about yourself, because like i said, it just means you were not good enough for this one person, not to the rest of the world.

I think women can be cocky, like anyone else. Its hard to find the balance between being realistic and being insecure. When cheated on, I dont think it means you have to feel like damaged goods. But i do think its time to realize that you were not everything you thought you were to your man. Simply put, in his eyes you were not enough. And it hurts to realize that you werent kind enough, fun enough, exciting enough, pretty enough etc etc etc for this one person…..but hey, you could be all those things to someone else.

So i wouldnt blame the “other” woman. I wouldnt even care who she was. I would just let it be, come to peace with it and with myself, and move on.

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Lea Reply:
February 22nd, 2011 at 1:36 am

I completely and utterly agree. Cheating is cheating and everyone has their reasons for engaging in such an activity, justifiable or not. It is what it is. Everyone chooses what they want their relationship to be like, and they have to meet their partner halfway. If their partner screws up, they suffer the consequences. whether it be losing your trust or simply losing you. and this “other woman”, well how can she not be held accountable for potentially destroying a relationship when it would otherwise be fine without her intervention?

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Lea Reply:
February 22nd, 2011 at 1:37 am

I didn’t mean to sound rude or anything, just saying.

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Hi everybody.
I read this article, it caught my eye because of one friend.
He is in a relationship for 14 years now, they met at the age of 16. He says he would never leave her, because he loves her more than anything. On the contrary he keeps looking other women, and admitted he cheated on her a couple of times because they hardly sleep together. And he wants to sleep with me too, which I would never do.
Apart from this he is a great person,but I don’t think he is happy and I would appreciate some advice what to tell him, how to convince him to do something to save his relationship.

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Funny! How about the wife not providing for her relationship? For 12 years I have put up with a woman who blocks out or literally sleeps through any (but not much) sexual activity. I have never been able to elicit even the least pleasure in her after she got the child she wanted. No affairs for me but only due to lack of availability. Divorce is only an available option if I want to enjoy my senior years working.

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Boohoo Reply:
November 13th, 2010 at 9:45 am

Dear Interested

I am so sorry that you are having difficulties in your relationship. However, you are the one that choice your woman so I really do not understand why you are complaining now.

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Anya Reply:
November 14th, 2010 at 7:54 am

Have you tried marriedandhappy.com’s blog—- bunch of articles there that may help… I have showed several to my husband…

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I think that’s awful about Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. The fact that Mrs. Newman (the second) dropped out of the spotlight when she finally ‘won’ Paul Newman, I think adds to the fact that people just forgot about the poor first wife. It doesn’t matter whether it appears Joanne and Paul were “better suited.” That’s nonsense. He promised ’til death’ and he had children. No excuses. I’ll bet however that Joanne was extra extra careful about not rocking the boat and trying her best to keep Paul interested in her. Remember, “if they’ll do it WITH you, they’ll do it TO you…” (a Dr. Phil-ism)

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Hi Renee,
I have to disagree with you. I truly believe that there are home-wreckers!! I have seen it endless times with friends/family members. People that show no respect and consideration for other human beings and their relationships. Why would a ” normal” human being want to ruin other people’s relationships???? Just because they are single, unhappy with their love life??? There are people out there who don’t give a damn who is single or not, if they want someone, they will do EVERYTHING in their power to have that person!!
I think this act is DISGUSTING!!!

Of course that if they know that their significant other is involved with another perosn, this is a different story!
Then I would blame, whoever is cheating.

I still don’t get why so many people cheat so much nowadays … Does anyone know?

Thank you Renee, for the post, a much needed topic nowadays

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As long as there are other women, men will face the temptation of cheating. As feminine woman, we know that there exists what we can’t change and what we can possibly influence to change. I can’t control what other women do or even what my man does. I can only be in control of me. Therefore, I can try every day to live up to being the kind of woman a man would need no reason to stray from. A woman alive in her true feminine essence.

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Livi brings up a good point…what about long distance relationships? Where there is nothing fundamentally wrong other than distance??? Any thoughts or advice?

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oli Reply:
November 5th, 2010 at 11:17 am

Well JP, here’s my 2 cents, for what its worth. I’ve tried the long distance relationship and for me I think distance takes a huge toll on relationships. The longer the time of separation the worse it gets. With hindsight, in my case I realized the distance tended to make me idealize the relationship and fill a lot of gaps that distance creates with my own imagination and that ultimately didnt help. Looking back I wish I had more time and proximity of course, to know and understand my partner better and for him to do likewise.

I tend to think distance endangers a relationship and make it fundamentally flawed. But well, I may be wrong.

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I have always preached that it is not the other woman’s fault, that it is down to the man who chooses to accept her advances. However when I found out that my (ex) fiancé was cheating I immediately blamed the other woman. “How dare she take advantage of the long distance in our relationship. How dare she tempt him. How dare she provide something that I couldn’t because of physical distance.” It was just an automatic response, had I ever met her I know I would have flown off the handle at her.

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Mary Reply:
November 7th, 2010 at 12:50 am

Livi

It’s natural that you would not want to believe that the person closest to you (your ex fiancé) caused you so much hurt and pain by cheating on you – it’s easier to blame the third party – and to think that your man did not cheat – he was tempted.

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Livi Reply:
November 8th, 2010 at 2:08 pm

It is easier, you’re very right. It hurts far more to accept that he chose her than to see him as the unwilling victim.

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fashionista Reply:
November 7th, 2010 at 12:25 pm

To Livi: I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you but I just had to comment when I read your post about…”[how] that it is down to the man who chooses to accept her advances (of the “other woman”).” That is such a big misconception that the “other woman” is the one that made a move on the taken man and the man is only to blame for giving into it. I know from experience (and from researching the topic out of curiosity due to my experience) that in MOST cases IT IS THE TAKEN MAN WHO DID THE CHASING, of the “other woman.” This happened to me. A married man chased me. When I found out he was married I stayed away from him and made it very clear I didn’t want to have anything to do with him but he kept at it. I never had an affair with him. But that experience changed the way I see men. They are NOT innocent. Or being led by the nose by the “other woman.” Cheating men KNOW what they are doing and they have no shame. MOST OF THE TIME TAKEN MEN ARE THE INSTIGATORS OF THE AFFAIR so the significant women in those men’s lives need to stop blaming the “other woman” and put the blame where it needs to be…on their men.

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maggiet Reply:
November 8th, 2010 at 10:30 am

You are dead right there. I was hunted down by a married man – he always sought me out at school functions etc etc and was always alone. Everyone knew he had a lousy marriage even the kids. I could have been flattered and gone with the flow as I am a single mum but knew that at the end of the day I would be the one nursing the broken heart as he was looking for a back up system for his broken scene at home. He would never have had the balls to leave as it would have caused all sorts of upsets and just wanted an emotional relationship to tide him through. Ladies it is not the other woman who is the bitch it is the man who is not getting what he needs from his primary / legal relationship and doesnt know how to get out. If your man is having an affair guaranteed it is because he does not want what he has got but does not have the guts to say it.

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Livi Reply:
November 8th, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Oh I am fully aware that he is to blame in reality, there is every chance that he didn’t tell her he was in a relationship. My point was just that even when you know that the automatic reaction is to attack the other woman, mine is anyway.

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I feel that a relationship is made up of two equally important parts or phases if you will. One, is courting/ dating phase where the FOUNDATION for a good relationship is layed. The foundation is getting the right partner for you in terms of compatibility.

The fact that you are in a relation does not necessarily mean that you have to work hard to maintain it. Couples are often ‘unequally yoked’, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, socially. If your foundation or choice of partner is poor in relation to your needs in the first place, trying to build and maintain attraction is like building a fancy house on a poor, structurally unsound foundation. Cracks and failures will undoubtedly follow.

Women and I have done this too, work oh so hard to keep the relationship going, when the foundation of the relationship is poorly built, that is the courting phase when the intense scrutinity and observation of character and values of a potential partner and a critical assessment of mutual needs was not done thoroughly enough.
Melina Dean has absolutely excellent material on her blog about the initial choice of men. Well worth reading. The idea that often comes through in her writing is about putting effort into the relationship with the RIGHT MAN FOR YOU.
So how does the ‘homewrecker’ theme come into all this. The appearance of a homewrecker can be a blessing in disguise. It can tell you two things, either the relationship is vulnerable and you should work harder at it, or it can tell you what you have refused to face for a long time that is you are with the wrong person anyway and should leave or let go.

Women often try to pretty up relationships or marriages they should be in, in the first place, Maybe the other woman/man may simply be the right or more compatible person that you are. That may be a sign from above that you need someone else worth you and your time.
Lets look at an example from the media. Let’s take Paul Newman. On this site he is given as an example of a man faithful to his wife of several decades, Joan Woodward. But there is a little known fact about Paul Newman. Before Joan Woodward he was married to first wife, actress Jacqueline Witte with whom he had 3 children. He cheated on his wife with Joan Woodward. She became his lover and mistress whilst he was married to Jacqueline Witte. Later he got a divorce and married Joan in 1958.

Joan Woodward was a ‘homewrecker’ in the traditional understanding of the word. Yet she seems to have been perfect as partner for Paul Newman and obviously managed her relationship well. So perfect in the eyes of the general public that most people either don’t know or cannot recollect that she was once a lover and mistress of a married man and ‘a homewrecker’. She is now highly respected by the general public. And he is considered a wonderful faithful husband, a living example.

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JP Reply:
November 5th, 2010 at 7:39 am

You’ve made some really good points here. Building a strong foundation is key. I don’t think people take enough time to do this. Nor do they evaluate and scrutinize their potential partner enough in the beginning. People want instant gratification…to fall in love right away. Ignoring signs and symptoms of possible trouble ahead. If real compatibility and attraction is lacking it doesn’t matter how much work you put into the relationship, it will more than likely fail.

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Perfect timing with what’s going on in my life at the moment. My man admitted two weeks ago he cheated on me on a trip to South Africa on the day I truly fell in love with him 2 years 1/2 ago in London and while we had already been sleeping together for 5 months already. He had already made a couple of moves towards me by then but as soon as he left, and because he was afraid to accept that a true loving relationship was possible for him, he went for this short and costing moment of glory. As soon as he came back he told me he was in love with me but denied what had happened until very recently. I had strong suspicions about it and now that I know for sure, I could still cheat on him but I am just no interested because I respect mysef too much, it is not being responsible, it won’t solve anything but will definitely bring more disrespect between the two of us – and most of all, there is love between us. I take it as my final trial, my final blow but I won’t kneel down. It is a definitely shock close to the kiss of death. Cheating is something that I have always rejected and condemned. I am not minimising the pain now. It does hurt badly. Yet I try to accept it and befriend it. It has made my man grow a lot more mature. I see this as an opportunity to grow together so we talk about it and he is very supportive in a effective way. No later than last night, I was delivered a beautiful bouquet of red roses from my man that was meant to arrive last week on my birthday. My first thought was to tell him to send those flowers to that woman he slept with because she managed to do something that I never managed to do, that is pull my man in such a short time. So I told him. And I added, ‘That’s only fair, she deserves it’ My second thought was nonetheless, ‘Hang on, you deserve these flowers because you do everything to respect and develop your femininity so these flowers should be yours really’. They are now next to me while I am sharing this with you. Being cheated on is one devastating thing. Being hurt in your flesh and soul by the closest person to you in the whole world is something massively unbearable. But then, you can decide how to react to it. The more feminine you act, the more at peace you’ll be with yourself. My man told me last night he was truly impressed by my inner strenght, composure and maturity. He told me ‘I have a woman, a strong mature woman in front of me. I admire you for that’. It took him 30 months to realise this simple truth. It took me 30 months of patience and inner strength to overcome chaotic moments and eventually reach this much awaited moment. Be strong, have faith in yourselves and communicate simply. I wish all the best, send my strenght, my thoughts and my love to all the women out there who endure the same. And thanks, of course and most of all, to Renee for allowing us to become fully who we should be, accomplished free women.

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The Emotional Trap: It is critical to allow yourself to feel & learn from negative emotions as it is to revel in positive feelings. One of the most reassuring things in recent times is that it’s okay to be scared; you do not require courage to face what you do not fear. It’s a comforting thought that even the most courageous men & women were scared of that which they ultimately faced & conquered. They are heroes not because their hearts never trembled with fear, but because they conquered that fear. So, fear becomes not just an acceptable but even welcome emotion because it paves the way for courage & heroism. It is fine to be frightened, but not to run away from it.

As with fear, so with other ‘negative’ emotions. It is important to experience the entire gamut of emotions in order to fully appreciate life. So fear is as important as courage; sadness as important as happiness; to cry is as critical as it is to laugh, to grieve every bit as needed as to celebrate. If positive emotions help give us confidence & cheer, negative emotions too serve a purpose.

When a relationship breaks, the excruciating pain you go through helps cleanse your spirit. The experience forces you to ask yourself a lot of question & search your soul for the answer. You come out of it a more evolved & enriched human being. If you are unwell, a bit of fever & pain help because they push you into getting treatment. If you touch something hot & get burnt, the pain helps as that’s the only emotion that signals to your mind the urgency of pulling back your hand. Similarly, negative emotions help in so far as they help us understand what is wrong with us & the way we are leading, so that we may stop, reconsider & move on with added wisdom. Take a look at basic human emotions as classified by scientists – joy, sadness, anger, fury, compassion, disgust, horror, heroic, wonder.

The important thing is to feel. And, to feel with intensity. And from that intensity comes mental, emotional & spiritual growth. Not long back society dictated emotions we should or shouldn’t feel. Men were not supposed to cry or show vulnerability; women were not supposed to show passion or laugh out loud. It is indeed a measure of the evolution of a society & civilization that display of all kinds of emotions is acceptable today. Men can cry & feel hurt, women can guffaw & show passion! Earlier, they said leave emotions behind when you come to work; today, organizations want individuals to get emotionally involved with work!

There is indeed far more intensity in negative emotions than in positive. Think about the last time you felt joy or even absolute thrill. Now, think about the last time you felt grief, anger, jealousy, hatred, disgust! If you did so, you already know what I mean. While we accepted the joy with gratitude, the negative emotions all filled us with questions, doubts & some lessons learnt. The tumult, the churning within that these negative emotions bring is very important for the evolutionary process, for growth & moving ahead. Moments of humiliation, fear, grief are times when the soul cringes & gets impacted the most. A chaotic mind as critical in the evolutionary process as a meditative one.

it is critical to be in charge of your emotions, not to allow them to control you! Passion may help you achieve heroic deeds & give a direction to life, but it could also lead you into a lot of trouble if unbridled. It helps to periodically question yourself when you feel negative emotion, so as to identify the source of disturbance & keep your motivation levels up. And of course the best thing about emotion is that they don’t stay with you long. Try as you might, you can neither catch happiness by its forelock, nor pain by its tail. They visit us & in time, after having served purpose, they leave…

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Catherine Reply:
November 3rd, 2010 at 6:01 am

Very wise with a lot of insight into human nature! Thumbs up Amit!

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JP Reply:
November 3rd, 2010 at 7:53 am

Wow…very interesting & insightful! Well said

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oli Reply:
November 3rd, 2010 at 11:02 am

Amitabh, I really enjoy reading your contributions. You have extraodinary insight. I love that you question, probe. Most of all I love that your mind is always searching and is seems open to the multiple layers and complexities of life.

Thank you.

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In my opinion both are to blame. Because they don’t care about anyone else feelings but themselves.

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Mary Reply:
November 7th, 2010 at 1:56 am

Both parties in affair (the person in the relationship and the third party) have their share of blame, but the third party in an affair is not accountable to the betrayed person – the person in a relationship is accountable.

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D. Reply:
May 6th, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Completely disagree with you. It is a matter of respecting the person. You should respect other people. I do not believe it is necessarily the third party’s “fault” but they simply have a lack of respect to say “no thank you” and that is what makes them accountable.

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BrownEyedBeauty Reply:
September 7th, 2011 at 12:40 pm

I’m with you, D.

Mary…it sounds like you are making excuses for the third party in extramarital affairs. The fact is that home-wreckers DO exist and they SHOULD be held accountable for their actions.

They might not feel that they owe anything to the wife of the man they are sleeping with, but this is false. Some people are selfish and they don’t think about how their actions affect others. What goes around comes around.

When you hurt other people and cause them pain, you will be the one to suffer later. That is what I’ve learned in life.

My husband is very attractive. I notice the way other women look at him. Some of them have no respect and they don’t care if I’m standing beside him. If I were insecure and if I perceived a threat, maybe it would bother me. But I know that he loves me and he finds me beautiful. He would never do anything to hurt me.

Cheating is disrespectful and I have no respect for women who knowingly become involved with married men. It is one thing if a woman does not know that a man is married, but if she does know…that indicates selfishness and emotional issues on some level.

The man is to blame but please don’t let the other woman off the hook.

i think the main in this conversation is WHAT u can do.. what you can DO to influence your relationship and ultimately your happiness.
Where is blaming another woman going to get you? Nowhere
Where is blaming of any kind going to get you? Nowhere
Blaming someone else is not going to make you or your relationship any better
We all have faults.. Its all a matter of owning up to them, finding the soft spots in the relationship and working on them
Work towards moving things in a positive direction..not only for u, but for your partner and the relationship

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hmmmm…. while I agree that blame should be on your cheating partner because HE is the one who broke the vows or trust in the relationship and no one else… I can never respect or understand a woman who KNOWINGLY sleeps with a taken man. If she knows there is another woman than she is doing something very wrong. If she doesn’t know, then it really wasn’t her fault. (Lets face it men can easily lie about being in a relationship if they want)

There are no guarantees in any relationship…ever. A person can leave or cheat at anytime…and you should be aware of this. But I agree that its not good to worry continually that something is going to happen. That would affect the relationship in a very negative way. Women should be more confident in themselves, and what they offer. Step up your game if you have to… you are the only person you can change in any situation! If he strays away from the best person you can be, then it was never going to work out anyway…not because of you, but because HE is lacking something.

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BrownEyedBeauty Reply:
September 7th, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Bravo, JP! This is a brilliant comment.

I’m not a catty person by any means but I also find it disgusting when women knowingly pursue relationships with married men. It is different if the other woman has no knowledge of his marital status.

But I find that women who knowingly become involved with married men often share similar character traits. They tend to be needy for male attention and they will do anything to get it, no matter who it comes from.

Sadly, commitment means very little in today’s society because it seems like people are all about fulfilling their sexual urges and they will do it with anyone.

I have looked at some women who clearly show a sexual interest in my husband…I could see it in their eyes. I simply laugh to myself because it is so obvious and pathetic. I remember being in the hallway with my husband once. This woman smiled, tossed her hair in what she thought was a “sexy” way, and said hello to him. She did not say hi to me, even when I responded. She was clearly on the make and she found my husband attractive.

I wasn’t jealous or insecure. I thought the situation was funny and a bit sad. She could see the gold band on his finger and the platinum ring on mine, but it didn’t matter. I know he’s cute. I have good taste, what can I say? He comes home with me at the end of the day.

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Oh and to the first poster who says it’s in a mans nature to “hunt”, well with that logic you shouldn’t get mad at anyone. You’ve pretty much accepted that and then you would be the only one to blame for putting up with a man as such.

And why so much concern about what a homewrecker should know and do? if you put just as much thought as to what needs to be done in your own relationship maybe things would not have gotten that far. It’s a waste of time and air in my honest opinion.

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I feel there is a such thing as a home wrecker. After all this wo/man knows that the person is attached and no matter what lies he tells him/her or truths for that matter a wo/man should have enough self respect not to get into a relationship with a person that is married or in a long term relationship. A matter of fact they should be the one to point out to him/her that there may be problems and suggest to him/her that s/he should be working on the relationship they are in. And only of that relationship brakes up can that wo/man then consider being with that person. Period. I would have to much pride to get involved with someone who already is in a relationship I will not take crumbs or left overs that are tossed to me from that person.

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Nancy Reply:
November 5th, 2010 at 5:36 pm

How does the woman know that the man she is attached to or dating is in a relationship or married if all he has told her is he is not, do we just not trust any of them because some of them lie? I will give you an example, I met this guy he flirted with me nonstop, wanting to take me out, after sometime I went out with him, he told me he was legally separated and had been for a few years, never wanted to get back with her for various reasons, after a year and half I found out we had been having a three sum, she was still calling him, emailing him, going to see him, our entire relationship, he lied to me and her, at first he told me she just wouldn’t leave him alone, he felt nothing for her and loved and wanted to spend every day with me, well need I say the red flags went up and stayed up, long story short when you break the trust in a relationship by lieing or cheating its pretty had to get it back if impossible, we broke up and got back together non stop after that it was never the same, in August of this year we went to Lake George to spend the weekend this is when I knew I was done, and when I was done he ran back to her becasue she was all that would have him.
the moral of the story is he lied to me about his availability, I kicked him to the curb, I can guarantee he is lieing to her now. Once a liar always a liar.

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I totally agree.People need to stop blaming the other woman/man and hold the person that’s cheating responsible for their own actions. Obviously the relationship wasn’t all that great if she/he is looking for other options.

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Sophie Lhoste Reply:
November 30th, 2010 at 2:07 am

Or they were not ready to commit or to stay the course of commitment. Either way I agree that blaming does not get us very far.

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BrownEyedBeauty Reply:
September 7th, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Ummm, no…it is not “blame” to hold both parties accountable for what they have done. The cheater and the person they cheated with should BOTH accept responsibility for their actions.

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Renee Reply:
September 7th, 2011 at 4:22 pm

BrownEyedBeauty, hi

I have a question for you: is it your responsibility to hold the other people accountable? Because, anytime we focus on what the other person has done wrong, and how they should be accountable; we are blaming them, actively.

The only person who can hold another “accountable” is themselves. And they certainly won’t be in a state to be responsible for their actions if somebody else is throwing it in their face saying I hold you accountable.

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I agree and disagree. I don’t think it’s in the male nature to value the relationship as number one (at least from the beginning). That seems to be more of a feminine trait. Men are hunters by nature, so they stay tuned up for “other opportunities”. That part of a man never goes away completely. There’s no magic formula that completely ensures a man won’t cheat or abandon you. I’m pretty sure it was Regal Renee who said the lovely notion that uncertainty is a factor in creating attraction, so that has its benefits.

The reason I blame the other woman is because it’s like she’s betraying women everywhere when she chooses to engage in an affair. When one woman lowers her standards and expectations, it affects all of us. If one man is cheating, it’s like it has a domino effect on other men triggered by male competition. Femininity is a powerful force such that it can create a loving home or destroy one.

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Masaleen Reply:
November 3rd, 2010 at 5:29 pm

Is it really male nature not to value the relationship as number one in the beginning? This is very untrue for my man. He daily tells me I’m the most important thing in his life, over the Marines, school, his favorite hobbies, etc. And he is very sincere, loving, and emotional when he says this. And he’s definitely not “hunting for other opportunities” now that we’re engaged. I agree that men can’t help looking at other women (as long as he lives he’ll look), but my man searched very hard for a woman to be his wife, and now that he feels he found the perfect woman (his soul mate:)), other women mean nothing to him romantically. Of course, our relationship will go up and down, and sometimes he won’t like being committed to me, but I think there are many men like him who know the man/woman relationship is the most beautiful and precious thing in the world.

I do agree, though, that everyone is affected when one woman lowers her standards. It’s not just the wife’s fault that her husband cheated, because the other woman COULD have listened to her conscience and stopped it. But this is taking away our responsibility, our responsibility being making the relationship strong enough from the beginning to not let a man even be interested in another woman, like Renee says.

One more thing though, do you really believe one man cheating has a domino effect on other men, making other husbands want to cheat, too? I disagree…I think every relationship is completely different, and whether a man cheats or not is dependent on the strength of the bond between him and his woman.

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Mary Reply:
November 7th, 2010 at 12:52 am

You obviously have no idea how many women cheat, and even worse – cause their husbands to bring up other men’s children.

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Masaleen Reply:
November 15th, 2010 at 11:24 pm

What do you mean? Are you saying I don’t understand how much one woman cheating on her man can affect other women, making them also cheat on their man?

Lauren Reply:
November 7th, 2010 at 5:10 pm

Hey there Masaleen,

When I say that it is not in a man’s nature to value the relationship number one, I mean on the most primal level. For example, if a man is struggling in some aspect of his life, his relationship will take a backseat to whatever his problem is. (why women complain about men working too much) I feel women are very much the opposite. If our relationship is going great, all the other little nuances become secondary and we are able to push through it. The task of maintaining a relationship falls more on the woman’s lovely shoulders. Why? Because we value it more highly and are better able to foresee problems and prevent them by being the more cooperative partner.

You said that he’s “sincere, loving, and emotional” but this is feminine charged. I don’t know your man, but I don’t think he would use those words to describe himself. Just differences between the sexes.

And when I said hunting for opportunities, I didn’t mean to imply chasing other women. I meant noticing other women. When he notices them, the urge to hunt comes alive. He stops because of his devotion to you. Just means that you are a wonderful woman and he sees it clearly.

I totally agree that it is a woman’s responsibility to keep being a good woman to her man. I think constantly worrying about a cheating man produces a cheating man. Self-fulfilling prophecy

Every relationship is completely different, but I find it ironic that so many women complain about the exact same things. We always think we are the exception, and we usually aren’t.

Hope that clarified my thinking

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Masaleen Reply:
November 15th, 2010 at 11:21 pm

Yes, that did clarify a lot:) Especially with what you mentioned in the first paragraph, and basically everything else, I completely agree.

As far as whether he would consider himself sincere, loving, and emotional, he would, with pride. Maybe not openly (openly he’s a “badass,” haha), but with me, he admits that he wants to be considered a gentle, tender, loving man. I think all men should be tough on the outside, and very soft on the inside for their woman.

I think that all long term relationships or the institution of marriage have their Achilles heel and that the two people who form that union are not infallible.

I think that it also depends and how you actually define a homewrecker. Is it a person who single mindedly sets out to destroy your marriage (get your spouse for example because he is well to do) or is it simply a person who gets involved with a married person and in the process the involvement leads to a marriage breakdown? They are different things, in my mind.
So yes I do believe there are women who are homewreckers and the others who by virtue of their actions/involvement end up wrecking a home.

Yes I absolutely believe that there are many things one can do to strengthen your union with your partner to make it stongER and more resistant,however I do not believe that is a guarantee of a lifetime of bliss with one’s partner/spouse or a guarantee that ‘the other woman syndrome’ will never never happen to you.

Anyone who has been in a long marriage (decades) would tell you that often life gives marriage quite a beating. Couples deal with child rearing, chronically sick children, tragedies like death in families, serious illnesses, middle age crisis (both men and woman), expectations of extended families, in laws, the often mentioned financial strains; this list is far from exhaustive.

I think every long term relationship has its vulnerable moments, in fact several of them throughout life, because we humans are faced with the numerous challenges of life itself. And sometimes the other woman and (hey lets be fair to the men) the other man syndrome tends to rear its ugly head in such moments even in marriages that are fundamentally sound.

This is not to take away the point you made Renee about taking good care of your relationship to help prevent ‘homewrecker incidences’ but I would not put all blame on the wronged spouse (man or women) either.

I do however totally agree with you as you say in your article that ‘As soon as you blame the other woman, not only is this not classy, it completely strips you of your power as a woman. Power to learn and grow and do what’s best for your relationship’.

I couldnt agree more on this one. A woman who refuses to learn, get smarter and grow IS the real tragedy.

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Sophie Lhoste Reply:
November 30th, 2010 at 2:00 am

I agree!

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Brilliant, Renee. And so very true. Thanks.

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I quite agree! I have always found that annoying when people blame the other woman! Although I was sad to see Brad go to Angelina, lol Darren and I made a deal before we got married. I told him if he ever cheated I would forgive him once. I said if he felt the need to cheat that there was something wrong with our marriage and sign we need to work on things, but twice and he would be gone. After 18 years he still tells me he is holding out for the day Halle Berry knocks on his door so he can take advantage of his one time pass, lol!

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Masaleen Reply:
November 3rd, 2010 at 5:35 pm

I hope you don’t one day regret making that deal>< I would never make a deal like that with my man.

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Good article Renee, I agree.

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