There’s no Such Thing as a Home-wrecker

there's no such thing as a home wrecker

There’s no Such Thing as a Home-Wrecker

It always disappoints yet amazes me the number of women and men who blame and hate on “the other woman” or “the other man”. Yes, affairs and cheating are heart-breaking, and for most couples, it’s the kiss of death.

It makes me cringe when I hear of the wife or girlfriend screaming at the other woman, blaming her, and asking how could she/he do this!? Don’t they have any respect? What normal person with morals would tempt a husband or wife?

Though I understand the pain of being cheated on (I’ve been through it myself), and I can understand that in those moments of vulnerability and pain, that we want to lash out at the “other woman”, it’s actually got nothing to do with the other woman.

There is no such thing as a home-wrecker simply because if a third party can enter the relationship bubble, then your relationship was weak to start off with. There is no such thing as a home-wrecker because if it was all based on another person ‘tempting’ our partner, or entering our partner’s proximity with bad intentions, then no relationship would ever work out, and we might as well never have an intimate relationship, and they would never be worth it, and we could all remain single. (read my article about if you keep doing this you will always be single)

This is like constantly fearing you’re going to be robbed. Imagine what this would do to your state of mind. You may not always actively worry about someone stealing your man, but if underneath you have the idea that other women are threats to you, then your whole world is going to be unbalanced, and you will ultimately experience suffering within yourself and in your relationship.

Tell me, what exactly is the point of being in an intimate relationship if other people can threaten your position as husband/wife or girlfriend/boyfriend so easily?

The problem is that a lot of women fear the apparently more attractive woman having the ability to take their man. Take a look at the brouhaha surrounding Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. (read my article about how you are nothing compared to angelina jolie)

It’s easy for women to look at another woman, and think that her beauty, status and enchanting disposition are a threat. Then the jealousy ensues…..and the controlling behavior surfaces…..and worse still; women start to cause themselves suffering and pain. Regardless of whether or not someone like Angelina Jolie or the gorgeous girl next door have bad intentions with your husband or boyfriend, a successful and passionate relationship will thrive and remain strong.

I understand that another woman disrespecting your position as girlfriend or wife is disappointing, and yes, a lot of women do get a big rush from seeing if they can steal a man from a woman, and this is not right. I’m not making this behavior OK.

However, it’s ultimately about the relationship, and the man you are in a relationship with. It’s his decision to value the relationship. It’s his perception and values that matter in this situation. As soon as you blame the other woman, not only is this not classy, it completely strips you of your power as a woman. Power to learn and grow and do what’s best for your relationship. If you blame a third party for something that is ultimately your own responsibility – your relationship – then all hope is gone. You are supposed to have the power in a relationship, not a third party. A woman who knows the power of femininity knows this.

Other women are simply not threats and should not be to a loving and passionate relationship where there is a lot of attraction already. Ultimately, if we choose to see other people as a threat to our special relationship, then we cannot be empowered. We cannot do anything about it, and we’ll end up in disappointment.

Hint: know who you are in a relationship with. Don’t get in to a relationship with somebody whom you know doesn’t value their relationship as number one.

Do you think the notion of a home wrecker is an out-of-date idea?

Renee the feminine woman

112 Comments

  • jessica

    Reply Reply April 7, 2014

    I am a feminist. I certainly agree with the notion that not all “other women” are purposefully breaking up families. Not all of them know. Further, not all other men are wrecking families. Not all of them know, either. However, for the ones who do know. Yes, you have successfully participated in and ARE in fact 50% responsible for the dissolution of a family.We can sit here and wax idiotic about empowering ourselves and embracing true womanhood, but the fact of the matter is holding in your anger, especially when it is well deserved towards both parties involved, is not feminine. It’s weak, IMHO. I don’t think I have ever gotten mad at a female who I was left for. Generally, they didn’t know, and frankly, I hardly cared because i was not married to them. But I have just watched my best friend of 32 years (we are 39) be abandoned by a husband who needed time….aka in comes the ex-convict meth manufacturer, who knows he is married (small town) and voila! within two weeks of her release, she has landed herself a family man. Both of them are complete pieces of shit. Since when did we start excusing bad behavior. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like a duck….well, by Darwin, it’s probably a damn duck. Shitty people are shitty and should be called out on it. The term applies to both genders, so you cannot really claim that I am being anti-feminine. I do not slut shame, etc, as long as you are responsible for your own person and do not harm anyone else. Helping to tear a family apart that involves small children is pretty damn harmful. Those people should be ashamed. And because what they do is so despicable, there is legal recourse against these people. Alienation of affection is the legal term.

  • roofing drip edge

    Reply Reply December 11, 2013

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  • Lyn

    Reply Reply November 10, 2013

    So recently this man would constantly annoy me telling me he wants to see me and wants to “hook up” and I would ignore it. I knew he had a girlfriend who was pregnant. One day I was having a tough time at
    work and he asked me to come see him cus he had somthing to tell me. I went and seen him, not having any intentions of doing anything. And so he would go on about how he had this and that, how he’s seeing all these other women behind his girlfriends back. Then he told me my ex cheated on me multiple times. That hurt and I was on my way to leave, he asked me to hug him, I said no. Than he got up and hugged me and put me on the bed and started kissing me. He then tryed to pull his pants down and I told him I didn’t want to have sex with him. So he performed oral. I let him for about 10 mins then I started thinking of my ex, so I left. Then his girlfriend messaged me asking why I was talking to her man, I let her know everything. I told her the honest truth that he invited me over multiple times and I rejected him. Then I told her how he performed oral. And that he also was seeing many different womem too. Now I’m the bad person and my name is a home wrecker. By the way he’s a gemeni

    • pink

      Reply Reply December 11, 2013

      Thats because you are a home-wrecker. Plain and simple. I don’t care what any of these girls say. The thing that qualifies you for the title “home-wrecker” is that you knew fully that he had a woman he was with and she was pregnant with his child. This is not to say that he has no fault because he is genuinely a piece of crap. But his responsibility and lack of morals doesn’t make you any less scum.

      These other women on her want to talk about how the wife is responsible for the man’s infidelity but the woman he cheats with is not but that’s complete crap… if you know he is married or in a relationship and you climb into bed with him – it makes you as much scum as the man you sleep with. If you didn’t know then it wouldn’t be on you. But you did know. You knew he was involved. You knew what he wanted from you. And you going to a room with a bed then you are going to do what he has been trying to get you to do.

      This makes you as sick as him. So congrats… you’re on his level now.

  • land of corona

    Reply Reply October 17, 2013

    After I initially commented I appear to have clicked on the -Notify me
    when new comments are added- checkbox and now whenever a comment is added I
    receive 4 emails with the same comment. Is there a means you are able
    to remove me from that service? Thank you!

  • Holly

    Reply Reply September 7, 2013

    OMG, I have to comment on this one as I hate this too and find it really annoying.

    The woman should be angry at the man as he’s the one who cheated on her and what if the other woman had no idea anyway!

    Obviously the woman will natrualy be angry at her man also but it’s annoying and makes me feel angry when they blame the other women and treat their boyfriends like it’s ok and basically in so many words let him off the hook.

    This actually happened to my sister and I felt so bad for her that she’d been in an abusive relationship for 11 years and then got cheated on.

    She dumped his ase and has never taken him back but I actually think things we’re taken to far when she talked about useing a knife to hurt the other women and smashing her windows in.

    Understanderbly my sister had every entitlement to be angry as it was her friend who she’d taken under her wing when nobody else liked Tanya the woman.

    Tanya has kids though so their well-being should come first.

    Thankfully nothing actually happened as Tanya moved schools but my sister actually said to the universe, please let my boyfriend cheat as it’s the only way I’ll be able to leave him as he was very abusive and kept her trapped.

    Really, the woman/men who get cheated on should be thankful to the third party for setting them free and saving them time from a relationship that should be discontinued.

    What I would do in future situations if the situation called for it would be to kiss the person I was with and say thankyou with a self pleasing smile on my face and thank them for showing me that I’m worth something better and then wish them both happiness and glad they have found each other, hoping they will be happy together.

    By this action it’s a way of saying, do you know what, I deserve better than this and I’m not going to stand for less. Obviously someone is not into me as much as I thought but that’s ok because I can find more of what I’m looking for elsewear.

    Obviously they wouldn’t have been the person I thought they was anyway and not worth the stress or Africation.

    I would probably react angry initially but my final responce would be of pride and I would project no big deal, maybe with sarcastic amusement but in a way that I’m really happy and empowered so they would be confused and angry so I don’t have to for someone else’s behavior.

    Yes, even better to tell yourself your a worthy person and that it doesn’t matter what happens in life because you trust in yourself to handle whatever life throws on your path.

    I think as long as a person can trust in themselves then they need not concern themselves into trusting others as they’ll trust in themselves to make smart right decision.

    It’s kind of like saying you can’t live life from an external point of veiw because that causes misery and puts your power into everybody else’s hands and that’s nobody else’s place.

    On a final note I would like to add also that nobody can reject you in life, only a person really doe’s that to themselve. People are always capable of causing us pain and harm but it’s truly upto us as individuals what we do with that input. Case in point, determine your own worth and bounderies in life.

    Easier said than done I know, maybe they should teach mental health and well being in schools as it could really help alot of children.

  • Fran

    Reply Reply August 25, 2013

    Not sure if I agree on a few things on this article. I’m 21 and my boyfriend of 18months is 27yrs old. There’s an older woman whose in her fifties (single and tries to be young) who works as a receptionist and flirts with my boyfriend – in front of me. I’ve confronted my boyfriend about this issue and he was very understanding about it and is sad that this is making me feel angry. He said he would feel rage if the roles were to be reversed. My question is, why do women feel the need to destroy happy relationships? She clearly sees us checking into the gym together and knows we are a couple but she still flirts. It’s driving me insane, it’s making me feel nervous and sick to the stomach. Please give me some advice? And how do I control my emotions? (I don’t want to be an insecure and controlling girlfriend !) x

    • Nana

      Reply Reply August 26, 2013

      Hi Fran.
      Maybe it’s a chance that you see this woman flirting in front of you with your boyfriend because this is something that probably happens with some other women when you are not with your boyfriend. Then, it’s a opportunity to build more confidence. Indeed, if he is pretty attractive, he must be hit on by other girls/women. So how does this idea make you feel?
      First, could you tell us more about how this “flirtarious” situation at the gym happen. I mean how does your boyfriend react? Do you feel like your boyfriend is “entering the game” ? Because I guess, if he were totally cold to the atempts of the women you wouldnt be so jealous, would you? Actually, no flirt can come up if one of the person refuse to keep the situation to that level, don’t you think?
      So, if you feel he is totally flattered and then is ok to “flirt” with her, it’s normal you feel insecure because well, even if his intentions are not to not respect you, he does. Because you are here, with him. But his need to get “attention” ( like we do, women) is stronger than anything at this moment.
      And this is what you need to understand from this situation : They both (or just the woman if your boyfriend does not react at her speech) want/are flattered by attention. That’s all.
      You say : ” My question is, why do women feel the need to destroy happy relationships?” Do you really think these womens goals are to destroy happy relationships? Some probably, many of them don’t. Destroying a happy relationship is eventually just a consequence of their first goal ( well, if it’s possible to destroy a happy/fulfilling relationship in the first place..), which is just : Getting attention/ love from someone who appears insanely attractive to them…Maybe even more because they already have a girlfriend. Because if a woman decided to share her life with him, that is the proof that he is probably worthy, isnt he? This is what happen at least in the human brain. People are attracted by what others have because this means, “if they have it it must be cool, I need it too, I so want it too”. Like when you are looking for a job, it can be hard, until you finally found one and other companies, seeing that, are suddenly very interested in you ! You have more chance to find a new job when you are already in a job than when you are unemployed.
      So with your situation, understand that there is no danger. It’s just a “cheap attention” thingy going on. Actually understand that this is if you show some fear and insecurity toward this situation that you bring the danger. Because actually what is happening with this other woman, is very LOW LEVEL (cheap attention…) so if you take this seriously, you put yourself even more LOW LEVEL and this is what, if repetedly, will represent a danger to your relationship.
      If you see clearly/deeply how this woman is playing this little game from a low level place and, if your boyfriend responds positively to it, he is responding from a place of basic low value ego too (or maybe just courtesy because he does not want her to feel bad), then you can only feel like you are viewing the situation from above, far away from their childish feelings and feel nothing but amusement or a light pity.
      So when it happens, you just have to draw a little smile on your face, turn around and go do your own things with joy and strenght. This is how you show yourself high-value ++ and how this woman will appear even more insignifiant to your boyfriend. Don’t tell him with words, but what you need to think is that if your boyfriend were to cheat on you with this woman or any other woman, this is him who would loose something, not you (Cause only low-value women regret men who show little respect to them) ! If you think this way, you begin to feel high-value and then you can act high value, and then your boyfriend knows in his gut that indeed, if he were to cheat on you, he would be the LOSER not you. Something many men doubt of, when they are in the presence of a cute nice girl but who does not show high-value….Cause the world is full of cute nice girls, they can easily switch them. It’s different when they are in the presence of a HIGH-VALUE cute nice girl…Oh and you know what ? If you show high-value, he will have no choice but acting from a high-value place himself to be at your level, so it’s more than probable that he will start to show absolutely no interest at all to the women looking for cheap attention from him …

    • Anna C

      Reply Reply August 26, 2013

      Hi Fran. Maybe I can help. I read your post & the first thing I thought about doing was to laugh at the 50 year old woman. Because, really, is there anything she can do for your bf that you cannot do? Not really. Is she better than you for your bf? Hell no. The next time she flirts, in front of you, just smile at her knowing this information. She’s 50. She’s probably WAY more threatened of you than you are of her. And you have nothing to worry about if your relationship has enough attraction & connection already. She could be Angelina Jolie, and she wouldn’t be able to get her hands on your bf. Attraction is like an invisible bubble you guys would have. Nothing will penetrate it. So every time you get insecure about that other woman, just focus on building those 2 things with your man. You asked about how to control your emotions as to not appear like the jealous gf. I think that the object is not to control your emotions, which can be useful in maintaining connection with your man, but to assign a different meaning to them. So, you see this 50 year old woman flirting with your man. You are angry because you think she is trying to take away your bf. Ok. How about if you see it this way: She is lonely, she is 50, and she just wants to get a little attention each day flirting with someone she cannot have, because he is safe, and god forbid if he ever comes to pursue her, she wouldn’t know what to do because she thinks so lowly of herself that she cannot deal with someone actually liking her. So she thinks – “this guy is half my age & he’s in a relationship. Seems like a safe bet for me! If I were to flirt with actual single 50 year old men, they might actually come to pursue me & OMG! THEN would would I do??” I don’t know, you can make up your own story. Changing your meaning on an action will help change your emotions.

    • Kelley

      Reply Reply August 26, 2013

      Hi Fran! I could write almost exactly what you wrote here about my own relationship (except that I’m older and it’s a younger woman who’s flirting with my man). My guy says the exact same thing yours does! He’d feel rage if the shoe was on the other foot! here’s the conclusion I came to: my guy really IS a nice guy! And he’s cute, too! I understand ~why~ this woman’s doing what she’s doing. She doesn’t value herself very much. If her own life was great, she wouldn’t feel a need to disrespect my relationship. And THAT’s what bothers me: this woman is disrespecting me and she’s disregarding our relationship. Not cool. But my boyfriend is faithful and has a good heart so, even though I’ll never like it when low value women do what this woman is trying to do, on some level, I pity them because no one who really likes herself would feel a need to try to cling to a man who isn’t hers, know what I mean? Best wishes to you and I hope I helped!

  • Anna

    Reply Reply August 21, 2013

    I used to be on the side of the wives /gfs who think home wreckers are scum. But then I realised that Renée is right. When do you want to cheat? When you haven’t been getting your needs met in the relationship. If you were, could you cheat even if you tried? I’d find it hard to. The fact is, if there is cheating, the relationship is broken, and it takes 2 to break it.

  • Ariella

    Reply Reply May 29, 2013

    This is probably one of the worst articles I have ever read on infidelity. Your thinking is warped and I have to wonder if at some point you found yourself as the other woman. Yes, it is the man’s fault too, but the truth is, women should have respect for other women and their families! If women kept their legs closed to married or involved men, men would be unable to cheat. And really, what planet are you living on where the other woman is superior to the wife? I mean most men affair down, that is not my opinion, that is fact! Some women relentlessly pursue married men knowing that the man will NEVER leave his wife! These same women then blame the wife for “not satisfying her husband”. If that was true, and he was that unhappy he could file for divorce! Granted, there are women who don’t know that the man is married, but that is very rare. As women we have intuition, whether we choose to follow our intuition is our own choice…I am not buying this at all, you can say whatever you want in this article, at one point in time, or currently a husband did not leave his wife for you…

    • Peaches

      Reply Reply June 13, 2013

      Re: “Yes, it is the man’s fault too, but the truth is, women should have respect for other women and their families! If women kept their legs closed to married or involved men, men would be unable to cheat.” This is Bull, the Man should have respect for his wife/girlfriend and yield not to temptation. And the Woman should have respect for her husband/boyfriend and yield not to temptation. You can’t lay infidelity mostly on the woman. Neither should cheat and if they do, both are equal to blame. When God made Man, He made Adam first.

      • Nana

        Reply Reply June 14, 2013

        Yeah and seriously I still don’t understand why women focus so much on the other woman…
        I think they just fool themselves.
        Seriously, I’ve been cheated also and I just did not care AT ALL about the other woman. The only point was my boyfriend. He was the one who was committed to me, not the other woman that I had never seen in my life !
        I guess women blame the other woman because they actually enter in a “battle” with them, the other woman represent their own fears of NOT BEING ENOUGH so that’s why they hate her so much. It is an “Ego” thing,
        But you can say whatever you want, that the other woman has no value, that she should be ashamed etc, it will never change the fact that she does not owe you anything and has the right to try to seduce any man she feels DEEPLY PASSIONATELY attracted to.
        If she feels this, she actually can’t do anything about it, this is the purpose of passion, like it or not !
        And in the end, this is YOUR man who makes the choice and if you think he is not strong or smart enough to resist a woman just because she spreads her legs or because she’s a bit manipulating, you have a problem with your choice of men or with the consideration you have for him. Really think about it.
        I will be a bit insulting I guess but when I read this ” If women kept their legs closed to married or involved men, men would be unable to cheat”, seriously I feel like I’m reading a 15 yo girl, totally smothered by her fears and instincts of possession and totally unaware of what human emotions and realities are…
        The truth is that life is unpredictable and this is what makes you feel so uncomfortable, Passion can fall on your husband for another woman, and passion can also fall on you and you can be cheating on your husband before even realizing it…It happens everyday.
        In everything in life and specially in relationships, it’s rarely black and white. Thinking the contrary can reassure you but it’s not the truth. And as long as you won’t be able to deal with it and accept it, you’ll live in fear and anger…and more than that, you risk to fall even more in behaviors you condemn if the opportunity comes up, because you’d face a reality (an emotional reality I mean) you choosed to ignore so far. And it’s way more difficult to face a reality you ignored than a reality you accepted. The world is full of women condemning adultery so hard like you do, and finally falling in the trap of it claiming “I dont understand, I don’t recognize me, there is nothing I can do against this feeling”. I guess it’s just life trying to teach them a thing or two…

  • Anna C

    Reply Reply April 28, 2013

    I agree with you John. It takes a certain level of spiritual growth and human maturity to resist temptations and or show compassion and forgive in order to stay in a long term relationship. Just as religion was used to condemn adulterers in the past and keep people from acting on their animal instincts, since religion is no longer respected as it once was, then the legal system should be used. On the one hand, I think that… But on the other hand, I believe that not cheating and being enlightened enough to handle a long term relationship is earned .. Through mistakes… I learned a lot of mistakes growing up… But the reality of it is that few people will actually learn and know this do that’s why government could be helpful at instigating punishment for “relationship wrong doers”.. Sorry about the circular thinking, I am a female ;)

  • John

    Reply Reply April 28, 2013

    It’s true that usually, an affair will not happen if a relationship is strong at the time. But the reality is that people are imperfect. Sometimes we get little support from extended family and pour all our energy into children or work and have little space, money and time left to reconnect. But society should be supporting people who take the plunge of commitment, not forgiving and condoning selfish acts or short-sighted acts and blaming the partners. All long marriages go through rough periods. Long marriages only exist because someone didn’t do the wrong thing at a vulnerable time (or if they did, weren’t discovered or were forgiven). To expect people to perfectly satisfy their partner at all times is unrealistic. That’s why people make vows and society was supposed to help enforce those vows. Society should attach moral, if not legal, censure to those who break the vows of commitment.

    But of course, we shouldn’t take our partner for granted because they have made vows to us. Not because we fear they’ll stray. Because we want to enjoy every day we are lucky enough to have them near.

    It’s not either-or: Take responsibilty for your relationship AND society should censure adulterers.

  • Nana

    Reply Reply March 17, 2013

    I havent read all the comments yet but have already read some of them, with very angry women so I guess my opinion about home-wreckers will be hated lol but I don’t mind.
    I do think that every woman feeling an intense attraction for a man, like she can’t get him out of her head and feels she wants to be with him, regardless of his marital status or situation is RIGHT to try to seduce him.
    Actually, plenty of intense and long-lasting relationships are born from a temporary extra-marital affair. Just look at Alicia Keys , Angelina Jolie and maybe even Rachel Weisz… Their current husbands were already with another woman, or like Rachel they were themselves with another man…they were called bitch, evil or whatever you want but they are now married with kids or soon will. This proves that it wasnt just for the fun to steal a man to another woman or to cheat, but just that they were deeply attracted by the man no matter what and that well, it seems they were finally supposed to be together anyway…
    The fact is that how Renee said it in her articles and/or in her monthly program, you can’t control attraction, you just can’t. I mean if you feel it, you can’t stop it. You can control it to make it happen or grow but you can’t make it stop and just go ahead if you feel it.
    If your man is encline to cheat on you it’s that there is not enough attraction between you and him and you should have worked on it, because you know how when you’re deeply and intensively attracted to someone you just don’t see others around, like you can’t be attracted to someone else!
    Attraction is a storm, a hurricane. No matter how many kids you have and what youve been through together, if your husband feels intense attraction to another woman and she feels it too, you can’t stop that. So you better work on the attraction you share with him so he cant even feel it to another one, he can just find her beautiful and nice, but not more.
    No need to hate the homewrecker because except if she’s part of your friends, she just doesnt owe you anything ! Really, you have to understand that, she doesnt owe you anything !! She just owes herself her own happiness. Only your husband owes you something, only him is commited to you and made you promises. So if you have to be mad at someone it’s only at him and eventually at you.
    The homewrecker just shows you indirectly the weakness and lack of attraction in your relationship…she also has strong feelings, desires and she would be stupid not to try to live them. Because finally she doesnt put a knife on the throat of your husband to sleep with her, it’s finally up to him. She’s just attracted and he responds or not to this attraction …

    • CoCo

      Reply Reply May 8, 2013

      You are absolutely correct! There are many men who have never been faithful to any woman that they’ve been in a relationship with. Then when caught, their women want to investigate the alleged “other woman” and go for her jugular. No ma’am! If you want to investigate, then investigate YOUR MAN! Find out what kind of guy he REALLY IS! Also, what many women fail to realize (or accept), is that when their men cheat on them, it’s usually not just with one person and even if their men do “come clean” and confess, RARELY, do they tell the whole truth. And they will almost always make it seem as though the “other woman” was coming on to him. LIARS AND COWARDS are what these men are. If you as his wife or girlfriend choose to believe him and come for the “other woman”, then the joke is on YOU because HE WILL CHEAT ON YOU AGAIN, and you deserve what you get. Sounds harsh, but oh well.

    • Peaches

      Reply Reply June 13, 2013

      Well said! I am so sick of the wife/girlfriend always blaming the ‘other’ woman!

  • Biler

    Reply Reply March 9, 2013

    11 month after D day.. Everything still feels raw, and the mood swings send my head into a spin. Also, going through a frightening mid-life crisis. Our three children are growing up, 6, 11 and 13, lost our family dog, and our marriage fell apart. His affair is over but he is silent over things, and I am hurt all the time. It could be a good day that would turn totally upside down by a song on the radio, a feeling or an image in my head, and send me spinning. Everything is different.. Also, he cut off ties with his family bc they were trying to talk sense into him, and telling stuff about her that he did not want to hear. The kids’ birthdays, Christmas and all holidays are lonely and confusing bc I need to chose between him or the rest of the family. It is isolating and so sad.. very lonely and confusing a friend of mine introduce me to AJAGBOTEMPLE he was the man that help me bring back my husband what easy can i have done without he,contact he today if you are passing through hell in your relationship.Email he at ajagbotemple@gmail.com

  • Leticia

    Reply Reply February 22, 2013

    So my boyfriend has this 30 “good friend” he met during our break up. At first she seemed harmless but the the fact she asks him to ask me about taking her 10 yr old son to school where he picks him up 45 mins away and back from Mon-Fri put me in an uncomfortable position. I said yes to help her son out with her situation to not be taken to court since she was supposed to let her ex (child’s father) know 6 months in advance she is moving with her son. Her ex feels my bf is the only guy he can trust with their son. I’ve spoken to her and she says my bf is like her little brother to him and he’s a great influence to her son. Personally I don’t think that is normal at all PLUS ***she had asked my bf if she shld date another ex she had. Obviously my bf has that much trust to tell me and he does feel he isn’t doing anything wrong. But That made me exremely uncomfortable because I feel she shld know what she’s doing at her age and makes me feel she has other intentions towards my bf. my bf reassured me there’s nothing more than friendship and he wouldn’t talk to her if she attempts more than friendship he wouldn’t ever hurt me in that manner but it had happened before where I warned about another woman as his friend and it caused us our other break up and once we broke up she attempted to date him where he admitted i was right and never spoke to her again. He’s a big heart and is always ready to help others he always gives me attention and love so I trust him but I don’t trust her and I want to tell her I feel she is not giving us our space as a couple and she is being inappropriate. He tells me he sees her like his other guy friends he treats her as such. He has other gfs who are always respectful to me and keep their distance. But this one makes me extremely uneased and I get a bad gut sick feeling. I don’t want to break his friendship for me but I wish he cld see what I see.

  • Pauline

    Reply Reply February 14, 2013

    I almost was the other woman. A married man who is part of a group in which I renewed my participation 2 1/2 years ago started “noticing” me right away. At every event, when his wife was not there, he made it silently clear that he was interested in me. I looked back at him with curiosity, but had no intention of doing anything about my attraction to him. At one event, in July 2011, I introduced my husband to his wife and to him, and KNEW that was IT. I KNEW that it would settle into friendship. I kept telling myself that. Last year, things heated up when we were sat next to each other for a banquet (Dec.2011). Neither of our spouses was there and since he helped with set up, he had to know that I had been seated next to him. I almost fell out of my seat when he sat down next to me. We hit it off immediately and I never felt so happy or comfortable talking to a man that I was attracted to. (I had been unhappy in my marriage, and I was aware of it, but I didn’t know until a few months later when the situation with the other man exploded, that I needed to have some serious conversations with my husband, figure out what was wrong, and contemplate divorce. The main problems were lack of satisfying sex, and lack of fun. If I’d truly known what was wrong, I’d have worked with my husband and demanded a solution, like I have recently, and never would have “flirted” with another woman’s husband.) Over the next few months, the other man and I had some more fun moments & I was thinking more and more about doing it. But when he became more intense, I became frightened and ashamed and finally shut it off. Staying away from him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life, and he made his disappointment very clear, but I held to my moral code. I can’t even explain all of the emotional, psychological, and physical feelings and problems I had as a direct result of being so turned on (turned back on) and so “happy”. I never even did anything more “wrong” than some slight flirting a few times, but I got the rush and the addicted feelings that only a lusty affair can bring on. The guilt and shame were suffocating. If I’d slept with him, it would have been A LOT of fun, but I would have felt like the whore of the century & I would not have been able to end it or accept him ending it. I feel badly enough as it is. His wife, who I’ve never really spoken to, recently found out some of what happened. I know because of the way she looked at me at an event in January & by how she and one of her friends (who obviously knows some of what happened also) have treated me since. That friend of hers looks at me like I’m a home wrecking whore and no longer speaks to me. I’m dealing with my problems in my marriage. I’ve recently discovered that my husband is emotionally unavailable and may be borderline Asperger’s. These issues explain so many of the problems in my marriage & why I thought that scum bag at the bottom of the barrel was so interesting. I’ve learned what I want in a relationship and that I’m not getting it from my husband of 10 years. I’ve learned that if I continue to allow myself to be deprived of affection, friendship, and a healthy sex life that I could fall in again with another scum bag. I’m working to fix my marriage, but at the same time, accepting the reality that divorce may be the only solution for me so that I can be free to look for someone who can be social, show affection, engage in a healthy sex life, work on projects with me, hold my hand while walking down the street….. I’m relieved that I learned my lesson without committing the sin. I have done extensive research on cheating and I now have true compassion & little judgement for anyone who cheats or has cheated, male or female. It’s a symptom of serious problems in a marriage and it’s a compulsion that is extremely difficult to break.

    • Renee Wade

      Reply Reply February 14, 2013

      Thanks for sharing your experience so honestly Pauline, I appreciate it. xoxo Renee.

  • Sdtl

    Reply Reply November 6, 2012

    I agree and disagree. If the other woman has no idea that he has a family then she is not to blame. But, if she knows of his woman and kids; and has met them before the affair—then she definitely has some faults. This is what happened to me. I found out my man cheated on me with his coworker. i love him so i gave him another chance. the other woman was consistently trying to be with my man and told him she’ll wait for him. I even kindly reached out to her and she admitted she was wrong but kept pursuing him! I don’t know if he kept her hopes alive in any kind of way or if shes just crazy. it took a little over a year for her to let go. At least I’m hoping.

    • emily

      Reply Reply January 21, 2013

      I STRONGLY DISAGREE Home-wrecker is very visible and can’t deny they do ruin relationship, they are conscious of what they are doing!!!! They are CHEATERS AND EVIL..How many families has been broken because of the other woman?? I was a victim of A home-wrecker woman..they don”t care, they don’t have conscience, they are selfish and most of all they are EVIL. The damaged was so much not only for the wife but for the whole family. They are like demons, they know it is not but they still insist on being a home-wrecker I hope all home-wreckers will vanished from the face of the earth so there will be no broken family. I hope the writer of this article is not a home-wrecker herself

      • Not a home-wrecker

        Reply Reply February 15, 2013

        Please Emily, don’t judge us. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now and I recently got involved with a married man. I didn’t plan for it, it just happened.. his wife found out and they are now together trying to sort things out for the sake for their young children. Believe me, I felt guilty when we were together. But having been in a bad marriage myself I understand were he was coming from, I could totally relate. It all started as an innocent friendship and one day before I knew it we were kissing and feeling things neither one had felt in a long time. We’re no longer together and I understand he’s doing it for his children but I’m devastated. It has not been easy for me to stay away. As you can see I’m not a demon. I’m just as hurt as the wife.

        • Grem

          Reply Reply February 16, 2013

          Are you serious? How dare you try to justify your actions? You’re a selfish bitch.
          “We’re no longer together and I understand he’s doing it for his children but I’m devastated.”
          You have no right to be devastated – it’s your own fault.

          “But having been in a bad marriage myself I understand were he was coming from, I could totally relate.”
          If you could totally relate, you would have told him to go back to his wife and children.

          You could have stopped everything before it has gotten to far. I don’t care if hell exists or not, but if it does, people like you should have a special place in it. A person that does something wrong and owns up to it is honourable, but a person who tries to justify their mistakes is scum. YOU ARE SCUM. Go get involved with a person that’s free. Learn from your mistakes, stupid bitch. Why would you ruin so many people’s lives?

          • Renee Wade

            Reply Reply February 16, 2013

            Grem, I never have been in ‘not a home wrecker’s’ position, and never plan to be.

            However, when you come to this site, you have a responsibility to leave a comment, not abuse.

            Any other abuse and your comments will be permanently deleted. Abuse is not a reflection of your true words, but a reflection of your past pain – you are always welcome to be honest about that.

        • Not a home-wrecker

          Reply Reply February 16, 2013

          I used to think like you..all I can ask is that you’re never in my situation. I didn’t do it because I’m evil…actually if his wife would had cared more about him, he would had never come to me.. all I did was give him something that his wife wasn’t giving him and no, it’s not about sex but respect and understanding..

        • CantAgree

          Reply Reply February 20, 2013

          Not a home-wrecker,
          You speak as if you were in his marriage, like you know why he cheated or that he was trying to go back to his wife because of having small children. As an outsider, you actually do not know that for a fact and you could be lying to yourself. I divorced my husband for cheating with a co-worker, their affair went on for a year. To be clear, I was the wife that could have sex everyday, I provided a good and solid home. He didnt want me to divorce him. I did anyway, so he kept messing with that other women but I did continue to sleep with him. After my divorce was finalized, he gave the other women the boot because he thought he had a better chance of getting back together with me. My divorce has been finalized for a good year now and my ex husband isnt seeing anyone and is still trying to come back to me. If I really lacked anywhere, when I set him fee, he shouldnt have tried to come back. So, my point is that other women probably feels as if I lacked somewhere in the marriage or that I didnt give him something just like you… or that he is trying to be with me because of my kids. None of this is the case. Bluntly said, he was with me from a young age, he was offered sex by someone who would keep it discreet, and he took the opportunity. He would never really trust someone like her so he couldnt have a real relationship with her. Not every guy is like this obviously, but that is how he was. She was devistated when he told her that he had slept with me and that he wanted me back but didnt know if I would take him back. She tried to make her unhappinesses my ex’s unhapppinesses when all it really was for him was sex. Let me make it clear, I do blame my ex tooo but my point is both are to blame and you should be held accountable for your actions too. You might not view yourself as a demon but for many women including myself, a woman that knowingly gets physical with a married man is a homewrecker. If you were so unhappy, you really should have divorced your husband, went for a single person, and tried to have a healthy relationship. If your devistated in any way, you kind of asked for it.

        • Suzette

          Reply Reply May 11, 2013

          Are you serious? You may be ‘as hurt’ as the wife but that is self-inflicted pain. And I have never met a cheater yet who did not conveniently blame their husband or wife or complain about their ‘bad’ marriage. You are not needed or wanted in that situation. If you were a mature person, you would walk away and allow the couple to sort things out. If he gets divorced down the road, then he is ‘available’. However, many people cheat because its in their nature to do so. Don’t be surprised when you become another story he tells someone and a reason he provides for bad behavior. One thing that gets glossed over all the time is the degree to which cheating fuels abuse. The cheater I was married to took his anger and guilt out on me and our kids and we did not often know why. So, he would want to see one of his girlfriends, come home on a Friday evening after work and start yelling at everyone. This gave him an excuse to walk out for several hours to ‘cool off.’ Of course, he went directly to her house. So, how long can a wife be treated like that before her world fractures? When my kids used to find lost items and want to keep them I would say to them, “you may not know who that belongs to but you know for a fact it is not yours to take.” It is the same when you are outside looking in at another couple. Maybe they are unhappy, maybe they are facing money troubles or a sick child or difficult work schedules. Maybe they are vulnerable. But one thing you know for certain is those are NOT your problems and that is NOT your partner. You’ve no right to compare your situation (“I know what a bad marriage feels like”) or judge the wronged spouse (“His wife was such a bitch”). You are like gasoline being poured on a fire. Maybe if you did not linger at his doorstep that fire could be put out. Don’t kid yourself, you may be a decent human deep down but your actions are immature, unethical and immoral. Infidelity is NOT a victimless crime.

      • Not a home-wrecker

        Reply Reply February 20, 2013

        Can’t agree,

        You’re certainly entitled to your opinion. I was not in your marriage but as an outsider I doubt “the other woman offering him discreet sex” was the only reason he had the affair. I do hold myself accountable for my actions and no, I’m not proud of what I did and that’s why I’m keeping a distance despite missing him to pieces. As far as looking for a single man goes, it’s not that easy. I didn’t look for this married man either.. He’s an acquaintance that later became a neighbor and things got complicated from there but I never flirted nor I intended to have a relationship with him… it just happened and I did feel guilty.

        • Anna

          Reply Reply February 21, 2013

          Not a home-wrecker: I appreciate you telling your story, even though I can’t agree with you… “It just happened”… I believe nothing “just happens” but you make a conscious decision to make it happen. Unless you were under the influence of drugs, alcohol, whatever. Or duress. I’m starting to speak like a lawyer but I’m in Finance. True, there had to have been something lacking in the marriage for the man to become attracted to you, but I believe it’s not your responsibility to fill it. It is the wife’s. You always have a choice on your actions, and so does he. And if I were you, I would have asked the man to go to his wife, and start to develop the connection he was developing with you, instead of allowing the ball to roll so far. You were in a bad marriage, I understand, so you would understand what he needs. If he fell out of love with his wife, and he was susceptible to you or others, I would take the high road and direct him to his wife, instead of succumbing to his needs. I understand that must have been hard for you, and it’s not your fault, but if all people in your situation would redirect the straying party, then maybe there would be a lot more people who learn to mature and grow emotionally to work through their problems instead of taking the easy way out.

        • Not a home-wrecker

          Reply Reply February 21, 2013

          Anna: I’ll accept that I made the choice to let it happen..sure, I could and I should had withdrawn when we started to get emotionally close but at that point I thought it was harmless because we weren’t getting physical..until one day we both exploded and it was too late for me, I had feelings for him. And yes, it was by far the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life.

  • Faye

    Reply Reply October 26, 2012

    Just because my ex was a man-whore doesn’t make her any less a whore.

  • Noname

    Reply Reply October 23, 2012

    It depends on what type of relationship it is; dating, engaged, or married. If a couple is married, it goes against the social contract to interfere with that union; that’s why marital unions exist.

    And so many times the other woman and husband keep it a secret from the wife. Shouldn’t she have a choice in whether she wants to stay in a marriage that is inauthentic? If the other woman was truely a solid person she would not want to be doing things behind closed doors either.

    I think the hatred from the wife comes mainly from the secret that both parties are keeping from her.

    • Suzette

      Reply Reply May 11, 2013

      Excellent point! Why keep things secret? Ask your partner if you can cheat, and if they say no, give them a chance to exit. They will be hurt no matter what but at least you will spare them the humiliation. I lived in a small town and was literally the last to know. It would have been great to move on before all that.

  • Dazed

    Reply Reply October 13, 2012

    I think that your statement doesn’t apply to every case and every person. I use to believe in exactly what you have said until I saw what I did within my own workplace. Not to say that there isn’t blame on men but I myself witnessed a woman constantly chasing after a particular married man. At where we work, she would go out of her way to talk to him everyday, she would flirt with him everyday, she had even met his wife and she still didn’t care. She’s very blatenly offered him no strings attached sex and that no one would need to find out. Because of their roles at work, they had to work together. Its not like he could have avoided her. She offered to have sex in her car at the company’s parking lot on multiple occasions which eventually did end up happening.

    In a discussion that I had with a very good male friend of mine who has been married stated that it’s actually best for the man to never put themselves in that position in the first place because eventually it will be very hard to resist regardless of how good is a man is. Meaning right at the beginning when man notices somebody is trying to flirt beyond but maybe innocent and begin to have sexual discussions, it’s best to stop there. He stated that even though he loves his wife, his wife is beautiful and that they do have a strong relationship, if a colleague that he has to have a close work relationship with is an attractive woman that would constantly flirt with him and that would constantly offer no strings attached sex, that even he thinks that he would cave. I really appreciated the insight.

    I would never blame a woman for being with a man that says that he is separated or when men lie and I will even agree if a relationship is a weak.

    In this case I could not help but look at this colleague of mine has a homewrecker because she blatantly went after him and she wouldn’t stop. When his wife got pregnant, she had up her game even harder. I do think that there are particular cases where women are home wreckers and that your statement is not true for every case for every person across the board.

  • Guest

    Reply Reply October 4, 2012

    Thank goodness that there are some smart women out there. A human is a person who can make choices of their own, not an object you can steal.

  • FP

    Reply Reply August 5, 2012

    I have to agree with this article, but this applies to Men and Women.

    If you have been in a committed and loving relationship and after a while your partner is unfaithful, whilst it is excruciatingly painful and easy to blame them or a third party, people need to realise they are partly responsible. I don’t condone cheating but the act of doing it goes way deeper than just “it was the other girls/guys fault”

    If your partners NEEDS were all being met why would they feel the need to go elsewhere?

    Communication is KEY, if your needs are not being met speak up and talk about it! don’t let it get to the stage where you or your partner feel “indifferent” towards each other… thats when the choice to cheat or leave becomes easier.

  • Guest

    Reply Reply April 30, 2012

    I completely agree with your post. I’m so tired of hearing the word “home wrecker”, since there is no such thing. A husband is a human being who can make choices of his own, not an object you could steal. While it’s not the best choice for a woman to be with a married man, or vice versa, no one is putting a gun to his head forcing him to be with her.

    • Suzette

      Reply Reply May 11, 2013

      It is not about being an object!!! If a spouse promises fidelity and then cheats, they’ve broken their vows and the marriage contract. And if they are making those choices and being sneaky, then it is they who are treating the unknowing spouse like an object, a thing. What about the pain and guilt that lead to abuse? What about the threat of STDs? What about the hit to the bank account (when my husband cheated he have the Christmas money for our kids to his mistress for her child!) – I could not figure out what happened and thought I had made a checking acct error. Nope, he withdrew it and gave it away. So, if a cheater wants to make those choices, they should leave the marriage, end it, man (or woman) up and allow their partners to walk away – reduce the body count.

  • Maria

    Reply Reply May 17, 2011

    I tend to agree and disagree with this article. Some women prey on married men, and yes the man could say no, but these women are sneaky and it’s all about low self esteem on their part. They want to see if they could take a man off another woman? How about fixing yourself and finding your own man?
    On the other hand I was the “other” woman, but I didn’t know I was. He told me they were in the process of getting a divorce and both agree that they were better off as friends and not being married – she moved away to NY and he stayed in NM with me. Well I believed him since he showed me emails where she wished him well with me – I’m sure he faked them or fed her some bs too. Anyway to make a long story short I found out he was still married to her and still sleeping with her. I called her to tell her that he was two timing both of us and she turned on me calling me a home wrecker. To this day, she still tells people I ruined her marriage even though she is remarried and just had a baby.

  • Brianne

    Reply Reply May 10, 2011

    hmmm i guess then my girlfriend who met a married man…knew he was married, became friends with the wife, had both their ears and then took a long time to slowly seduce the husband away from the wife…isn’t a home wrecker then?? hmmm interesting…

    • Tabs

      Reply Reply July 30, 2013

      Apparently… It seems 50% or more of the post her are saying a home cannot be wrecked, like the home is already doomed so everyone should be free and clear to lie, cheat, and screw their way around the home. screw the idiots that think this way.

      Let me be clear here… I am not the other woman or the wife in any of these situations. I am the only 1 out of 5 sisters who does not cheat and has not cheated. That means I have 4 brother in-laws plus boyfriends of my sisters before and after their marriages that I know were happy in their marriages, these men treated my sister like royalty, but the bitches (my sisters) have screwed them all over, 2 left their husbands and kids to be with the “other man” and both of them cheat on the “new guys” SHOCKER!!!

      One of the sisters who left husband and kids met up with someone from facebook at a bar while her husband was home with the kids, then she brought him home while family slept, and she banged him on the families couch with kids and husband only a wall away and screwed him on her kids trampoline. She left a bit later to be with this guy and had his baby and now they are cheating on each other.

      The other 3 sisters arent any better but I dont wanna barf thinking about them. .

      My point here… How do any of you think the third party isnt to blame as much as the husband/wife? If they dont know about the marriage/been lied to its different but if they know and pursue or follow temptation, they are a homewrecker. The spouse and third-party are equally cheaters and homewreckers. Anyone who cant see that has had their judgement skewed by something… Probably their own immoral actions!!

      Perfectly content and happy seeming marriages have partners go astray all the time. Some people enjoy the thrill of getting away with stuff others just like to hurt people, but more often a third party sees something they want and sets their sights on it with intent of getting what they want. These people are usually good manipulators and twist stuff they see to encourage unhappiness. If
      your told enough times that your being treated unfairly or like dirt you will start to believe it. If your “friend” says stuff like…”he/she is so controlling” or “i would never treat you that way” or “she/he takes you for granted” etc, eventually you will start to pick up on little things to justify those thoughts/manipulations…lines I have seen work along with the “you know he/she is cheating on you, right… Why else would they (insert behaviour here) if they were being faithful?” Some men and women just enjoy the chase and who better to enjoy catching than the near impossible catch/ someone in a relatively happy relationship.

      Take your random sociopath or narcissist for example… They treat the world like an incredibly competitive game of monopoly and treat every person as a game piece. What they want they get…no matter who ot hirts or what it destroys in the process. These people see a married person as the ultimate challenge. When they have you or your spouse set in their sight…you are screwed, unless you are capable of sifting through their bullshit before and can cut all contact. But this is what they do, its what they are best at so you wont see it until its too late. These people can mimic emotions and gauge what is needed from them from the start so they will seem like the most amazing and genuine person to walk the earth. They can create problems in your life that dont exist, make you see evil in the most kind person, and make you believe anything they want and you will because you believe and trust them. Next thing you know… Your life is turned upside down, youve lost all you love, and you are hated and full of hate with nothing. And at the same time this person who has been your puppet master got what they wanted all along … To screw you!

      So to the morons who believe only a bad relationship or something missing in it can be ripped away by the cheating spouse and not the third party… Dont assume anything because you may be the next target of one of these “want what you cant have or thrill seeking” pieces of shit that will love nothing more than to manipulate, twist, turn, and beat you, your spouse, and your relationship down. And he or she will do it JUST BECAUSE HE/SHE CAN!!

      ONLY PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT WAY ARE THE ONES WHO ARE “THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN” OR HAVENT BEEN CHEATED ON.

      ALSO TELLING SOMEONE HOW HE OR SHE SHOULD FEEL, ACT, OR REACT TO ONE OF OR THE MOST DEVASTATING EVENT IN THEIR LIFE IS UNREASONABLE AND REDICULOUS.

      And to think the third party who knows and intentionally ruins a marriage is not a homewrecker or doesnt bare the responsibility just because they didnt make the commitment is unrealistic and completely illogical!

      I never made a commitment not to murder anyone but the law that bans murder still applies to me… Why? Because murder is wrong and a commitment between parties to not murder each other wouldnt relinquish a third parties responsibility not to murder us. Its doesnt take a genius to understand right from wrong. Stepping into a marriage is just as bad as stepping out of a marriage. Dont be a whore! Dont flirt with married people… Flirting is invitation (just as bad).

      If you start a relationship with a married person… Your relationship is starting with cheating, lying, deceit, betrayal, and straight up nasty bitch-ness, and 2he relationship will eventually lead to or end on the same terms. If he or she would lie and cheat on the spouse with you, they will cheat and lie on you with another. Just as if you step into a marriage to cheat with him/her, they will assume you think its ok which excuses their future betrayal to you. Karma is not a bitch… Karma is a terrorist.

      Seems to me that about 65% of the population needs to go back to kindergarten and learn the basics of the foundation of life… Do to others what you would like done to you. Dont cheat, lie, or steal. This is 5 year old stuff here people. FIGURE IT OUT.

      TOO BAD THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE ARE TOO SELFISH TO LEARN THIS STUFF.

      • Nana

        Reply Reply July 31, 2013

        Your message is so full of anger, hate and insults that I can’t even read it until the end.
        I think you have witnessed to extreme situations of adultery around you (it happened way too much and in such disgusting ways !!) so you’re totally blind by the fear and hate. Fear that you can’t trust anyone in this world, hate toward you sisters…Which is totally understandable !!
        Anyway as I already said a lot earlier, whatever the motivations of the “homewrecker” are to seduce my man, this man who is commited to me will ALWAYS hurt me more than a woman I didnt even know before the situation. And if you don’t see the difference of responsabilities and respect between a person who is supposed to be commited to you and to cherish you and another person who just never saw you, I feel sorry for you. And if you don’t understand that if you are with someone who can’t resist women around hitting on him, there is first a problem with your choice of man, I still feel sorry for you. Of course, sometimes your couple is just going through a hard time and it’s more easy for a woman to seduce your man but judging her will never change the problem ! You’ll never change the fact that there will always be women attracted to your man so much for amy reason, that they want to try to get them in their beds. Accepting this fact, getting more confidence, radiance and value will help you thousands times more to break the desire of your man cheating on you, than nurturing hate, anger and fear toward the potential “homewrecker”.
        Again, I think your opinion is way too more influenced by your sisters to be “objective” and I think the main problem, the main point coming out from your message is you have something HUGE to solve with your sisters… Good luck.

        • Tabs

          Reply Reply August 2, 2013

          No actually my comment is filled disappointment and irritation…not hate. You read what you wanted to. I do not hate my sisters. I find their actions to be appalling as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, aunt, and woman in general.

          There was nothing in my comment that was irrational or illogical.

          Let me set somethings straight so you dont feel you have broken through to my crumbled core or whatever your comment was meant for…
          First, dont feel sorry for me. I have the most wonderful man in my life. He is truely the best man I have ever known. We have been happily together for a decade. He supported me through the loss of my brother, college, family issues, and with inability of having a second child. He has never made me feel incomplete or self-concious. He rushes home from work to be with his family and goes out of his way to participate in my hobbies and interest. He is an absolutely wonderful father, husband, brother, son, and uncle to our nephews from my crazy family. He is a wonderful one man support team for me. He even does laundry and anything else needed. So dont go throwing crap were it wont stick.

          Just to be clear I do know what its like to feel commited to and by someone and to feel cherished. I understand and know fully that he and I made a commitment to one another and a third party did not. I also know that he would be able to resist a homewrecker but it doesnt mean a homewrecker isnt a thing.

          In our years of being together he has had 3 very close friends make secret plays toward me. They used all the usual lines and manipulators with me. I did not have interest at all because I am happy with my luv! I’m a logical person and luckily I can often see through bullsh!+. But if I was one of the easily persuaded or manipulated, would it mean our relationship was wrecked before?

          I did not want my sweety to lose friends but I had to be honest and show text, etc that his so called “friends” sent. He ditched them and it sucks because I want him to have as many people in the world to care about him as possible, but they obviously dont care much about him to do this. They were trying to be homewreckers.  Do you honestly think they shouldnt bare any responsibility?

          My anger in the post should not be confused with hate.  Yes, I am angered at my sisters for the things they have done. And hell yes I wish they cared enough about anything to stop with the crap. But I know whole heartedly that the men who came into their life for affairs knew they were married with children. They didnt care. yes the cheating spouse is the one going against commitments but it doesnt relinquish responsibility to the person who took part in the affair with the spouse.

          I am also mad at an article like this and some of the comments that give people the thought that being a “homewrecker” is not possible. Saying a relationship is doomed so its a “free for all” to push, flirt, invite, or encourage a person to temptation and if she/he willing then he/she must have problems in the relationship so the third party is not to blame.  Its rediculous. And the article may not have been intended to give the go ahead to the potental future “homewrecker” but if one is looking for advice online about their situation and come across it, they could certainly take it as
          such. Especially with so many women commenting that they believe there is no such thing as a homewrecker or they are not to blame along w/ cheater. This could give the potential homewrecker just enough to justify that follow through to send invite. Or to justify the thought that they arent doing anything wrong so the wife/husband shouldnt be mad at them.
          This is people’s families that we are talking about. Husbands, wives, sons, daughters, in-laws, friends. There is so much more to affairs than who is to blame. The spouse involved in an affair is ruining their family but the girl/guy that comes into it knowing aboit the wife and kids is definitely a big part of the equation. How am I the irrational one or the one not seeing clear?

          Just as some of the comments have pointed out, a third party often gets into a relationship with a married person with the impression that the marriage is doomed but later finds out that their affair was meaningless when the couple starts to work on things. If the relationship was done, why do they mend and heal the marriage from an affair?
          An unhappy or doomed marriage would be over at the moment an affair comes to light.

          This is where my statements in previous comment come in… An easily convinced individual could be manipulated by the right individual. Does that make it ok to cheat? No!! But it is enough to know that there is more to cheating than happiness. Have you ever met a person that is capable of creating or seeing problems where there are none? She/he is the one who can ruin a life without a blink.

          This example was between my childhood best friend and my hubbys best friend…
          This woman seemed happy and in love but this guy (friend from highschool) had a way about him with her (that I will never understand) and said all the right things to make her question her relationship. I knew her since we were 9yrs old and she was never a liar, manipulator, or cheater. She had a good self esteem and was engaged to a wonderful man who thought the world was only right with her. Yet this “homewrecker/man” was able to persuade her and twist her thinking to the point that she thought he was cheating and treating her like dirt. He was just that good at saying the right things. She cheated on this good man for this creep who was falsely charismatic, she left her fiance, and dated the “fake” for a few weeks. His true colors eventually showed and her fiance fought to get her back. He was mad at her and the “homewrecker” but he did his best to understand what went wrong. He saw the wrong from her but also how intensely screwed up the “homewrecker” was. They were married a year later and have been happily married with a daughter for 8 years. My point here… Yes she was dumb, mean, careless, and screwed up, but in this situation there was a “homewrecker” and he wrecked their home for nothing more than fun. After he got what he wanted he changed from sweet caring guy to complete A-hole. After she was married for a year they were both at my house for holiday party and wouldnt you know it, he tried to do it again. He got enjoyment out of wrecking a home just as alot of “homewreckers” do and now after her, he is on his 3 married girlfriend. 

          In your reply you stated that I am not seeing clearly or my judgment is cloudy because of my experience but thats not the case… my sight is clear because of what I have seen.. There are people who will walk through your front door and out the back leaving nothing but broken pieces, lost memories, and more damage than a hurricane- just because they can.

          Im not sure where in my post I gave the impression of being a broken down wreck with low self esteem or that I was sad in my life, but you definitely decided to go against my thought from the beginning so whatever. I dont know what you have done in your life to make you sympathize with a “homewrecker” but you got it all wrong with me. Glad to know that you are such a good people reader that you think you have people all figured out by a comment but I think you should take a minute and re-read the article before you jump on my comment. The article said…

          IT ISNT POSSIBLE TO BE A HOMEWRECKER and basically the other man/woman shouldnt be held accountable. And the general impression from it and some comments are that the husband and wife are to blame for ruining their marriage while the “homewrecker” did nothing wrong. And that irritated me because if I was ever in the situation and someone said to me…
          “dont be mad at her… Its you and your husband who let your marriage fall apart”
          I would punch them in their throat.
          hope you enjoyed my rant. But dont judge me because you dont know me. If you did youd know I am honest, caring, and faithful but I know that about me and I am happy with who I am.

  • D.

    Reply Reply May 6, 2011

    Absolutely disagree with you 100%. The man is accountable 100%. But it’s a lack of respect on behalf of the other woman or man. As humans we need to respect each other. That person could have said no and didn’t. I believe they ARE beholden to the spouse on whom their partner is cheating BECAUSE they are participating in the act. The man should not cheat in the first place. This is ABSOLUTELY true, but if people stopped being “available” to cheat with – then it wouldn’t be a problem.

    However, that idea IS nullified when the third party does NOT know their partner is married/in a relationship – you cannot be accountable for something you had no idea about. You just can’t. However, when the time comes and you DO learn about it, and you choose to stay, that’s the moral dilemma.

    The fact is, as women who allow themselves to be with a married man, they obviously have a ton of low-self esteem and a lack of respect for other humans. As women, we should lobby to respect ourselves, and others, and stop participating in activities which allow slut-shaming.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply May 6, 2011

      Hey D,

      It’s a fact of life – people will disrespect you. People will do lots of things – judge you, be nasty, bitch about you, tear you down to make themselves feel more significant, take a seat on the train for themselves without considering whether you need one.

      Unfortunately, by placing “blame” and saying that the other woman is “beholden” to the spouse on whom their partner is cheating, you are stripping yourself of power, and now, you’re the ‘victim’.

      Victim games simply don’t work in relationships.

      By the way, beholden in what way? what do they really OWE? An apology? A oh I’m so sorry I slipped on to your husband’s private parts? I’m sorry for “disrespecting” you?

      And if you get it, then what? If you make them pay, then what? Even if you don’t make them pay, if you make THEM wrong – then what? You will be HAPPY? You’ll be satisfied?

      No, of course you won’t!

      I’m not making their actions ok!
      And I’m certainly not making the cheating spouse’s actions ok.

      It’s just that, the focus should simply NOT be on blaming THEIR (the 3rd party) actions, if you want to learn from the whole experience and make your relationship better, or leave and make the next one better.

      Yes, the husband or wife who cheated should be 100% accountable for THEIR actions, and the spouse who was cheated on must also take responsibility for their own actions in the relationship.

      Unfortunately, relationships are so counter-intuitive, they are not for most people.

      Most people WILL blame, and victimize themselves, and point the finger at their spouse. No wonder so many relationships fail.

    • Meike

      Reply Reply May 10, 2011

      I see what you are saying here D. In fact, your feelings sound oddly familiar. And you are RIGHT to say that people should have respect. I think the general lack of respect everywhere in our modern world is tragic. But – don’t let yourself be victimised. Don’t EVER become a victim to other people’s actions or circumstance. Call on your inner resources to fight for what you want! If you are in a situation where people have clearly disrespected you, isn’t it empowering for YOU to get up, dust yourself off, and make it better than them? What kind of a life is it for you, if you depend on someone, a man perhaps, to create a happy home around you? If you carry that happy home inside of you on the other hand, nobody can take it from you.

  • Stephenie

    Reply Reply November 25, 2010

    If you neglect your man he will be easy pickings for someone that WILL pay attention to him. Simple as that. :) No big mystery here.

    • D.

      Reply Reply May 6, 2011

      What about those who do not neglect their men, are the perfect housewife and lover, and are still cheated on?

      • Brianne

        Reply Reply May 10, 2011

        yup…my buddy cheated on his wife…they had a great sex life is what he said…yet he still cheated…

  • Jemina

    Reply Reply November 22, 2010

    I think this is one of those topics that everyone twists around to make it much more complex than it has to be. I speak from experience, and the conclusion which I think is most fitting is that infidelity stems from choices.

    If your man made a choice to cheat, that is his choice and he has a right to choose (as long as he is not breaking any laws). The ‘other’ woman, she also had a choice (given that she knews she was involving herself with a taken man). Everyone made a choice, and when all hits the fan, you have to make a choice too. Do you leave him? Do you give him another chance?

    You can blame this other woman, or you can blame your man, or you can blame yourself. But really, it just comes down to the SIMPLE fact that your man did not see you as valuable enough to not betray. When he did a quick weigh-out in his mind, your value didn’t overwhelm the benefits of having an affair. It doenst necessarily mean that there is something wrong with you or your relationship….it just simply wasnt enough to keep him from straying. Doesnt mean the “other” woman is a better or more attractive person, but you do have to end up accepting the fact that her perceived value at that time exceeded yours.

    I think all is fair in love and war. It hurts and it cuts you till you bleed. But, it is what it is isnt it? If your man thought you were an absolute necessity and treasure to his life, well, he has a brain, he can make choices that parallel his perception of you. If he does cheat, he could put it off as a momentary lapse of judgement but does that make a difference really? At that moment it is already clear that you weren’t good enough. You are still a good person and ‘good enough’ for many people, but not to him. That’s just something you have to understand and accept. You shouldn’t let it make you feel bad about yourself, because like i said, it just means you were not good enough for this one person, not to the rest of the world.

    I think women can be cocky, like anyone else. Its hard to find the balance between being realistic and being insecure. When cheated on, I dont think it means you have to feel like damaged goods. But i do think its time to realize that you were not everything you thought you were to your man. Simply put, in his eyes you were not enough. And it hurts to realize that you werent kind enough, fun enough, exciting enough, pretty enough etc etc etc for this one person…..but hey, you could be all those things to someone else.

    So i wouldnt blame the “other” woman. I wouldnt even care who she was. I would just let it be, come to peace with it and with myself, and move on.

    • Lea

      Reply Reply February 22, 2011

      I completely and utterly agree. Cheating is cheating and everyone has their reasons for engaging in such an activity, justifiable or not. It is what it is. Everyone chooses what they want their relationship to be like, and they have to meet their partner halfway. If their partner screws up, they suffer the consequences. whether it be losing your trust or simply losing you. and this “other woman”, well how can she not be held accountable for potentially destroying a relationship when it would otherwise be fine without her intervention?

      • Lea

        Reply Reply February 22, 2011

        I didn’t mean to sound rude or anything, just saying.

      • nina

        Reply Reply December 18, 2012

        The relationship would still be fine if the guy chooses not to stray and stay faithful to his gf/wife even if there’s another woman trying to intervene.

      • Guest

        Reply Reply March 6, 2013

        Lea – in your post you wrote “how can she not be held accountable for potentially destroying a relationship when it would otherwise be fine without her intervention.”

        That is simply not a true statement. Married men/women who are in love with their spouses and in a good relationship do NOT cheat. No woman/man has ever cast a spell on a married person which made that person cheat. The fact is that the relationship is not ok and would not be just fine but for the other person.

        BTW – I have not been the “other woman” – however, I met a man who became my co-worker. There was an instant attraction like I have never felt in my entire life. You may not believe in love at first sight – I certainly didn’t before this happened – but I do now. We became very close simply by working together on projects and hanging out. No inappropriate conversations. No physical contact. There was just some type of instant chemistry. Clients and other co-workers would comment on it. Then one day he told me about problems in his marriage. That was a line that shouldn’t have been crossed. I told him so. Due to our work relationship, it was impossible for me to limit our time spent together. However, no more was said about his marriage issues. A little time went by and he sent me a letter – a long letter – in which he spilled everything. Stuff about their dating history, why they married, how their marriage had been. . . .and his feeling for me. After reading it, I could no longer deny how I felt towards him. I also knew it was “unsafe” for us to be around each other. I told him that he needed to work on his marriage and that I was going to leave the firm because it was clear that we could no longer work together. He knew, based upon my reaction to his letter/decision to leave, that his feelings were returned. I left. He understood.

        We ran into each other a few times at events but did not engage each other. 1 1/2 years later, he showed up at my doorstep, late at night. He told me that he had separated and filed for divorce a few months ago. He promised me that his decision had nothing to do with me. He told me that they went to counseling (3 different ones) but that all that the sessions did was confirm what he already knew – he was never in love with her. They dated on and off for several years and everyone else was getting married and he was receiving so much pressure so he proposed. They really had no common interests – other than their children – and even two of the therapists commented on it.

        We did not jump into a torrid love affair. We saw each other but did not have a physical relationship until the divorce was finalized.

        I am not a home wrecker. I am not a temptress. I am not a woman with low self esteem who cannot get her own man so she preys on other women’s men (I was married but chose to get a divorce – prior to ever meeting him – and have had plenty of male attention and dating opportunities). I am not evil. I am not a whore. I am not trash. And I did not steal anyone’s man.

        HOWEVER – I am still labeled that way by his ex and her friends. All I can figure out is that it is easier to blame me for stealing him than to admit to herself that he was unhappy in the marriage. She’s not even mean to him – it’s all aimed at me.

        Now, remember – I left a job bc I did not want any responsibility. I stopped communications. I made no promises of “if you leave her, I’ll be waiting for you.” But – I am the evil home wrecking whore. And my children have been harassed because of it.

        And I didn’t “intervene” and the marriage was not just “fine”. There were many issues between them that had been going on for years before he ever met me. At least his son has been able to admit that and has defended him/me.

        It’s unfair to blame someone else simply because you are unwilling to take any responsibility for the faults in the marriage. And it’s also unfair to judge someone when you don’t really know the person or the entire truth of the situation.

  • Susannah

    Reply Reply November 20, 2010

    Hi everybody.
    I read this article, it caught my eye because of one friend.
    He is in a relationship for 14 years now, they met at the age of 16. He says he would never leave her, because he loves her more than anything. On the contrary he keeps looking other women, and admitted he cheated on her a couple of times because they hardly sleep together. And he wants to sleep with me too, which I would never do.
    Apart from this he is a great person,but I don’t think he is happy and I would appreciate some advice what to tell him, how to convince him to do something to save his relationship.

  • Interested

    Reply Reply November 12, 2010

    Funny! How about the wife not providing for her relationship? For 12 years I have put up with a woman who blocks out or literally sleeps through any (but not much) sexual activity. I have never been able to elicit even the least pleasure in her after she got the child she wanted. No affairs for me but only due to lack of availability. Divorce is only an available option if I want to enjoy my senior years working.

    • Boohoo

      Reply Reply November 13, 2010

      Dear Interested

      I am so sorry that you are having difficulties in your relationship. However, you are the one that choice your woman so I really do not understand why you are complaining now.

    • Anya

      Reply Reply November 14, 2010

      Have you tried marriedandhappy.com’s blog—- bunch of articles there that may help… I have showed several to my husband…

  • Lisa

    Reply Reply November 12, 2010

    I think that’s awful about Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. The fact that Mrs. Newman (the second) dropped out of the spotlight when she finally ‘won’ Paul Newman, I think adds to the fact that people just forgot about the poor first wife. It doesn’t matter whether it appears Joanne and Paul were “better suited.” That’s nonsense. He promised ’til death’ and he had children. No excuses. I’ll bet however that Joanne was extra extra careful about not rocking the boat and trying her best to keep Paul interested in her. Remember, “if they’ll do it WITH you, they’ll do it TO you…” (a Dr. Phil-ism)

  • VolleyGirl

    Reply Reply November 8, 2010

    Hi Renee,
    I have to disagree with you. I truly believe that there are home-wreckers!! I have seen it endless times with friends/family members. People that show no respect and consideration for other human beings and their relationships. Why would a ” normal” human being want to ruin other people’s relationships???? Just because they are single, unhappy with their love life??? There are people out there who don’t give a damn who is single or not, if they want someone, they will do EVERYTHING in their power to have that person!!
    I think this act is DISGUSTING!!!

    Of course that if they know that their significant other is involved with another perosn, this is a different story!
    Then I would blame, whoever is cheating.

    I still don’t get why so many people cheat so much nowadays … Does anyone know?

    Thank you Renee, for the post, a much needed topic nowadays

  • Lauren

    Reply Reply November 7, 2010

    As long as there are other women, men will face the temptation of cheating. As feminine woman, we know that there exists what we can’t change and what we can possibly influence to change. I can’t control what other women do or even what my man does. I can only be in control of me. Therefore, I can try every day to live up to being the kind of woman a man would need no reason to stray from. A woman alive in her true feminine essence.

  • JP

    Reply Reply November 5, 2010

    Livi brings up a good point…what about long distance relationships? Where there is nothing fundamentally wrong other than distance??? Any thoughts or advice?

    • oli

      Reply Reply November 5, 2010

      Well JP, here’s my 2 cents, for what its worth. I’ve tried the long distance relationship and for me I think distance takes a huge toll on relationships. The longer the time of separation the worse it gets. With hindsight, in my case I realized the distance tended to make me idealize the relationship and fill a lot of gaps that distance creates with my own imagination and that ultimately didnt help. Looking back I wish I had more time and proximity of course, to know and understand my partner better and for him to do likewise.

      I tend to think distance endangers a relationship and make it fundamentally flawed. But well, I may be wrong.

  • Livi

    Reply Reply November 5, 2010

    I have always preached that it is not the other woman’s fault, that it is down to the man who chooses to accept her advances. However when I found out that my (ex) fiancé was cheating I immediately blamed the other woman. “How dare she take advantage of the long distance in our relationship. How dare she tempt him. How dare she provide something that I couldn’t because of physical distance.” It was just an automatic response, had I ever met her I know I would have flown off the handle at her.

    • Mary

      Reply Reply November 7, 2010

      Livi

      It’s natural that you would not want to believe that the person closest to you (your ex fiancé) caused you so much hurt and pain by cheating on you – it’s easier to blame the third party – and to think that your man did not cheat – he was tempted.

      • Livi

        Reply Reply November 8, 2010

        It is easier, you’re very right. It hurts far more to accept that he chose her than to see him as the unwilling victim.

    • fashionista

      Reply Reply November 7, 2010

      To Livi: I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you but I just had to comment when I read your post about…”[how] that it is down to the man who chooses to accept her advances (of the “other woman”).” That is such a big misconception that the “other woman” is the one that made a move on the taken man and the man is only to blame for giving into it. I know from experience (and from researching the topic out of curiosity due to my experience) that in MOST cases IT IS THE TAKEN MAN WHO DID THE CHASING, of the “other woman.” This happened to me. A married man chased me. When I found out he was married I stayed away from him and made it very clear I didn’t want to have anything to do with him but he kept at it. I never had an affair with him. But that experience changed the way I see men. They are NOT innocent. Or being led by the nose by the “other woman.” Cheating men KNOW what they are doing and they have no shame. MOST OF THE TIME TAKEN MEN ARE THE INSTIGATORS OF THE AFFAIR so the significant women in those men’s lives need to stop blaming the “other woman” and put the blame where it needs to be…on their men.

      • maggiet

        Reply Reply November 8, 2010

        You are dead right there. I was hunted down by a married man – he always sought me out at school functions etc etc and was always alone. Everyone knew he had a lousy marriage even the kids. I could have been flattered and gone with the flow as I am a single mum but knew that at the end of the day I would be the one nursing the broken heart as he was looking for a back up system for his broken scene at home. He would never have had the balls to leave as it would have caused all sorts of upsets and just wanted an emotional relationship to tide him through. Ladies it is not the other woman who is the bitch it is the man who is not getting what he needs from his primary / legal relationship and doesnt know how to get out. If your man is having an affair guaranteed it is because he does not want what he has got but does not have the guts to say it.

      • Livi

        Reply Reply November 8, 2010

        Oh I am fully aware that he is to blame in reality, there is every chance that he didn’t tell her he was in a relationship. My point was just that even when you know that the automatic reaction is to attack the other woman, mine is anyway.

  • oli

    Reply Reply November 5, 2010

    I feel that a relationship is made up of two equally important parts or phases if you will. One, is courting/ dating phase where the FOUNDATION for a good relationship is layed. The foundation is getting the right partner for you in terms of compatibility.

    The fact that you are in a relation does not necessarily mean that you have to work hard to maintain it. Couples are often ‘unequally yoked’, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, socially. If your foundation or choice of partner is poor in relation to your needs in the first place, trying to build and maintain attraction is like building a fancy house on a poor, structurally unsound foundation. Cracks and failures will undoubtedly follow.

    Women and I have done this too, work oh so hard to keep the relationship going, when the foundation of the relationship is poorly built, that is the courting phase when the intense scrutinity and observation of character and values of a potential partner and a critical assessment of mutual needs was not done thoroughly enough.
    Melina Dean has absolutely excellent material on her blog about the initial choice of men. Well worth reading. The idea that often comes through in her writing is about putting effort into the relationship with the RIGHT MAN FOR YOU.
    So how does the ‘homewrecker’ theme come into all this. The appearance of a homewrecker can be a blessing in disguise. It can tell you two things, either the relationship is vulnerable and you should work harder at it, or it can tell you what you have refused to face for a long time that is you are with the wrong person anyway and should leave or let go.

    Women often try to pretty up relationships or marriages they should be in, in the first place, Maybe the other woman/man may simply be the right or more compatible person that you are. That may be a sign from above that you need someone else worth you and your time.
    Lets look at an example from the media. Let’s take Paul Newman. On this site he is given as an example of a man faithful to his wife of several decades, Joan Woodward. But there is a little known fact about Paul Newman. Before Joan Woodward he was married to first wife, actress Jacqueline Witte with whom he had 3 children. He cheated on his wife with Joan Woodward. She became his lover and mistress whilst he was married to Jacqueline Witte. Later he got a divorce and married Joan in 1958.

    Joan Woodward was a ‘homewrecker’ in the traditional understanding of the word. Yet she seems to have been perfect as partner for Paul Newman and obviously managed her relationship well. So perfect in the eyes of the general public that most people either don’t know or cannot recollect that she was once a lover and mistress of a married man and ‘a homewrecker’. She is now highly respected by the general public. And he is considered a wonderful faithful husband, a living example.

    • JP

      Reply Reply November 5, 2010

      You’ve made some really good points here. Building a strong foundation is key. I don’t think people take enough time to do this. Nor do they evaluate and scrutinize their potential partner enough in the beginning. People want instant gratification…to fall in love right away. Ignoring signs and symptoms of possible trouble ahead. If real compatibility and attraction is lacking it doesn’t matter how much work you put into the relationship, it will more than likely fail.

  • Catherine

    Reply Reply November 3, 2010

    Perfect timing with what’s going on in my life at the moment. My man admitted two weeks ago he cheated on me on a trip to South Africa on the day I truly fell in love with him 2 years 1/2 ago in London and while we had already been sleeping together for 5 months already. He had already made a couple of moves towards me by then but as soon as he left, and because he was afraid to accept that a true loving relationship was possible for him, he went for this short and costing moment of glory. As soon as he came back he told me he was in love with me but denied what had happened until very recently. I had strong suspicions about it and now that I know for sure, I could still cheat on him but I am just no interested because I respect mysef too much, it is not being responsible, it won’t solve anything but will definitely bring more disrespect between the two of us – and most of all, there is love between us. I take it as my final trial, my final blow but I won’t kneel down. It is a definitely shock close to the kiss of death. Cheating is something that I have always rejected and condemned. I am not minimising the pain now. It does hurt badly. Yet I try to accept it and befriend it. It has made my man grow a lot more mature. I see this as an opportunity to grow together so we talk about it and he is very supportive in a effective way. No later than last night, I was delivered a beautiful bouquet of red roses from my man that was meant to arrive last week on my birthday. My first thought was to tell him to send those flowers to that woman he slept with because she managed to do something that I never managed to do, that is pull my man in such a short time. So I told him. And I added, ‘That’s only fair, she deserves it’ My second thought was nonetheless, ‘Hang on, you deserve these flowers because you do everything to respect and develop your femininity so these flowers should be yours really’. They are now next to me while I am sharing this with you. Being cheated on is one devastating thing. Being hurt in your flesh and soul by the closest person to you in the whole world is something massively unbearable. But then, you can decide how to react to it. The more feminine you act, the more at peace you’ll be with yourself. My man told me last night he was truly impressed by my inner strenght, composure and maturity. He told me ‘I have a woman, a strong mature woman in front of me. I admire you for that’. It took him 30 months to realise this simple truth. It took me 30 months of patience and inner strength to overcome chaotic moments and eventually reach this much awaited moment. Be strong, have faith in yourselves and communicate simply. I wish all the best, send my strenght, my thoughts and my love to all the women out there who endure the same. And thanks, of course and most of all, to Renee for allowing us to become fully who we should be, accomplished free women.

  • Amitabh Pandey

    Reply Reply November 2, 2010

    The Emotional Trap: It is critical to allow yourself to feel & learn from negative emotions as it is to revel in positive feelings. One of the most reassuring things in recent times is that it’s okay to be scared; you do not require courage to face what you do not fear. It’s a comforting thought that even the most courageous men & women were scared of that which they ultimately faced & conquered. They are heroes not because their hearts never trembled with fear, but because they conquered that fear. So, fear becomes not just an acceptable but even welcome emotion because it paves the way for courage & heroism. It is fine to be frightened, but not to run away from it.

    As with fear, so with other ‘negative’ emotions. It is important to experience the entire gamut of emotions in order to fully appreciate life. So fear is as important as courage; sadness as important as happiness; to cry is as critical as it is to laugh, to grieve every bit as needed as to celebrate. If positive emotions help give us confidence & cheer, negative emotions too serve a purpose.

    When a relationship breaks, the excruciating pain you go through helps cleanse your spirit. The experience forces you to ask yourself a lot of question & search your soul for the answer. You come out of it a more evolved & enriched human being. If you are unwell, a bit of fever & pain help because they push you into getting treatment. If you touch something hot & get burnt, the pain helps as that’s the only emotion that signals to your mind the urgency of pulling back your hand. Similarly, negative emotions help in so far as they help us understand what is wrong with us & the way we are leading, so that we may stop, reconsider & move on with added wisdom. Take a look at basic human emotions as classified by scientists – joy, sadness, anger, fury, compassion, disgust, horror, heroic, wonder.

    The important thing is to feel. And, to feel with intensity. And from that intensity comes mental, emotional & spiritual growth. Not long back society dictated emotions we should or shouldn’t feel. Men were not supposed to cry or show vulnerability; women were not supposed to show passion or laugh out loud. It is indeed a measure of the evolution of a society & civilization that display of all kinds of emotions is acceptable today. Men can cry & feel hurt, women can guffaw & show passion! Earlier, they said leave emotions behind when you come to work; today, organizations want individuals to get emotionally involved with work!

    There is indeed far more intensity in negative emotions than in positive. Think about the last time you felt joy or even absolute thrill. Now, think about the last time you felt grief, anger, jealousy, hatred, disgust! If you did so, you already know what I mean. While we accepted the joy with gratitude, the negative emotions all filled us with questions, doubts & some lessons learnt. The tumult, the churning within that these negative emotions bring is very important for the evolutionary process, for growth & moving ahead. Moments of humiliation, fear, grief are times when the soul cringes & gets impacted the most. A chaotic mind as critical in the evolutionary process as a meditative one.

    it is critical to be in charge of your emotions, not to allow them to control you! Passion may help you achieve heroic deeds & give a direction to life, but it could also lead you into a lot of trouble if unbridled. It helps to periodically question yourself when you feel negative emotion, so as to identify the source of disturbance & keep your motivation levels up. And of course the best thing about emotion is that they don’t stay with you long. Try as you might, you can neither catch happiness by its forelock, nor pain by its tail. They visit us & in time, after having served purpose, they leave…

    • Catherine

      Reply Reply November 3, 2010

      Very wise with a lot of insight into human nature! Thumbs up Amit!

    • JP

      Reply Reply November 3, 2010

      Wow…very interesting & insightful! Well said :)

    • oli

      Reply Reply November 3, 2010

      Amitabh, I really enjoy reading your contributions. You have extraodinary insight. I love that you question, probe. Most of all I love that your mind is always searching and is seems open to the multiple layers and complexities of life.

      Thank you.

  • Ann

    Reply Reply November 2, 2010

    In my opinion both are to blame. Because they don’t care about anyone else feelings but themselves.

    • Mary

      Reply Reply November 7, 2010

      Both parties in affair (the person in the relationship and the third party) have their share of blame, but the third party in an affair is not accountable to the betrayed person – the person in a relationship is accountable.

      • D.

        Reply Reply May 6, 2011

        Completely disagree with you. It is a matter of respecting the person. You should respect other people. I do not believe it is necessarily the third party’s “fault” but they simply have a lack of respect to say “no thank you” and that is what makes them accountable.

        • BrownEyedBeauty

          Reply Reply September 7, 2011

          I’m with you, D.

          Mary…it sounds like you are making excuses for the third party in extramarital affairs. The fact is that home-wreckers DO exist and they SHOULD be held accountable for their actions.

          They might not feel that they owe anything to the wife of the man they are sleeping with, but this is false. Some people are selfish and they don’t think about how their actions affect others. What goes around comes around.

          When you hurt other people and cause them pain, you will be the one to suffer later. That is what I’ve learned in life.

          My husband is very attractive. I notice the way other women look at him. Some of them have no respect and they don’t care if I’m standing beside him. If I were insecure and if I perceived a threat, maybe it would bother me. But I know that he loves me and he finds me beautiful. He would never do anything to hurt me.

          Cheating is disrespectful and I have no respect for women who knowingly become involved with married men. It is one thing if a woman does not know that a man is married, but if she does know…that indicates selfishness and emotional issues on some level.

          The man is to blame but please don’t let the other woman off the hook.

  • ella

    Reply Reply November 2, 2010

    i think the main in this conversation is WHAT u can do.. what you can DO to influence your relationship and ultimately your happiness.
    Where is blaming another woman going to get you? Nowhere
    Where is blaming of any kind going to get you? Nowhere
    Blaming someone else is not going to make you or your relationship any better
    We all have faults.. Its all a matter of owning up to them, finding the soft spots in the relationship and working on them
    Work towards moving things in a positive direction..not only for u, but for your partner and the relationship

  • JP

    Reply Reply November 2, 2010

    hmmmm…. while I agree that blame should be on your cheating partner because HE is the one who broke the vows or trust in the relationship and no one else… I can never respect or understand a woman who KNOWINGLY sleeps with a taken man. If she knows there is another woman than she is doing something very wrong. If she doesn’t know, then it really wasn’t her fault. (Lets face it men can easily lie about being in a relationship if they want)

    There are no guarantees in any relationship…ever. A person can leave or cheat at anytime…and you should be aware of this. But I agree that its not good to worry continually that something is going to happen. That would affect the relationship in a very negative way. Women should be more confident in themselves, and what they offer. Step up your game if you have to… you are the only person you can change in any situation! If he strays away from the best person you can be, then it was never going to work out anyway…not because of you, but because HE is lacking something.

    • BrownEyedBeauty

      Reply Reply September 7, 2011

      Bravo, JP! This is a brilliant comment.

      I’m not a catty person by any means but I also find it disgusting when women knowingly pursue relationships with married men. It is different if the other woman has no knowledge of his marital status.

      But I find that women who knowingly become involved with married men often share similar character traits. They tend to be needy for male attention and they will do anything to get it, no matter who it comes from.

      Sadly, commitment means very little in today’s society because it seems like people are all about fulfilling their sexual urges and they will do it with anyone.

      I have looked at some women who clearly show a sexual interest in my husband…I could see it in their eyes. I simply laugh to myself because it is so obvious and pathetic. I remember being in the hallway with my husband once. This woman smiled, tossed her hair in what she thought was a “sexy” way, and said hello to him. She did not say hi to me, even when I responded. She was clearly on the make and she found my husband attractive.

      I wasn’t jealous or insecure. I thought the situation was funny and a bit sad. She could see the gold band on his finger and the platinum ring on mine, but it didn’t matter. I know he’s cute. I have good taste, what can I say? He comes home with me at the end of the day. ;)

  • Lewa26

    Reply Reply November 2, 2010

    Oh and to the first poster who says it’s in a mans nature to “hunt”, well with that logic you shouldn’t get mad at anyone. You’ve pretty much accepted that and then you would be the only one to blame for putting up with a man as such.

    And why so much concern about what a homewrecker should know and do? if you put just as much thought as to what needs to be done in your own relationship maybe things would not have gotten that far. It’s a waste of time and air in my honest opinion.

  • Ursula

    Reply Reply November 2, 2010

    I feel there is a such thing as a home wrecker. After all this wo/man knows that the person is attached and no matter what lies he tells him/her or truths for that matter a wo/man should have enough self respect not to get into a relationship with a person that is married or in a long term relationship. A matter of fact they should be the one to point out to him/her that there may be problems and suggest to him/her that s/he should be working on the relationship they are in. And only of that relationship brakes up can that wo/man then consider being with that person. Period. I would have to much pride to get involved with someone who already is in a relationship I will not take crumbs or left overs that are tossed to me from that person.

    • Nancy

      Reply Reply November 5, 2010

      How does the woman know that the man she is attached to or dating is in a relationship or married if all he has told her is he is not, do we just not trust any of them because some of them lie? I will give you an example, I met this guy he flirted with me nonstop, wanting to take me out, after sometime I went out with him, he told me he was legally separated and had been for a few years, never wanted to get back with her for various reasons, after a year and half I found out we had been having a three sum, she was still calling him, emailing him, going to see him, our entire relationship, he lied to me and her, at first he told me she just wouldn’t leave him alone, he felt nothing for her and loved and wanted to spend every day with me, well need I say the red flags went up and stayed up, long story short when you break the trust in a relationship by lieing or cheating its pretty had to get it back if impossible, we broke up and got back together non stop after that it was never the same, in August of this year we went to Lake George to spend the weekend this is when I knew I was done, and when I was done he ran back to her becasue she was all that would have him.
      the moral of the story is he lied to me about his availability, I kicked him to the curb, I can guarantee he is lieing to her now. Once a liar always a liar.

  • Lewa26

    Reply Reply November 2, 2010

    I totally agree.People need to stop blaming the other woman/man and hold the person that’s cheating responsible for their own actions. Obviously the relationship wasn’t all that great if she/he is looking for other options.

    • Sophie Lhoste

      Reply Reply November 30, 2010

      Or they were not ready to commit or to stay the course of commitment. Either way I agree that blaming does not get us very far.

    • BrownEyedBeauty

      Reply Reply September 7, 2011

      Ummm, no…it is not “blame” to hold both parties accountable for what they have done. The cheater and the person they cheated with should BOTH accept responsibility for their actions.

      • Renee

        Reply Reply September 7, 2011

        BrownEyedBeauty, hi :)

        I have a question for you: is it your responsibility to hold the other people accountable? Because, anytime we focus on what the other person has done wrong, and how they should be accountable; we are blaming them, actively.

        The only person who can hold another “accountable” is themselves. And they certainly won’t be in a state to be responsible for their actions if somebody else is throwing it in their face saying I hold you accountable.

        • Ivy

          Reply Reply November 5, 2012

          Very well put Renee. I’m still trying to understand why sooo many people (mostly women) seem to think it their right to judge, hate and ostracize someone else’s behavior…someone who was involved with a complete stranger’s’ partner, not their own.

          I myself recognize others’ behavior is none of my business. If my husband cheated, that would be between me and him. I would think it weak and stupid to hate on the other woman. I have compassion for all people and recognize there are all kinds of different people on this planet. Honestly I have no judgment or hatred for anyone involved in infidelity. I would still be their friend.

          Thank you for your compassionate, humanistic article and comments. It is nice to see not all women are so cruel.

        • Hmm...yeah

          Reply Reply August 2, 2013

          Ivy,
          You would think it weak and stupid to hate the other woman? What if its your friend, sister, cousin, neighbor, co-worker that sleeps with your husband? You gonna find it weak then? Are yall still gonna go get your nails done like besties or have a bite to eat while catching up… “remember that time I slept with your husband?” Seriously, all the people saying they wouldnt be mad just havent been there. All of you saying thou shall not judge are being judgmental toward the women who have been hurt by their love. Get a grip.

  • Lauren

    Reply Reply November 2, 2010

    I agree and disagree. I don’t think it’s in the male nature to value the relationship as number one (at least from the beginning). That seems to be more of a feminine trait. Men are hunters by nature, so they stay tuned up for “other opportunities”. That part of a man never goes away completely. There’s no magic formula that completely ensures a man won’t cheat or abandon you. I’m pretty sure it was Regal Renee who said the lovely notion that uncertainty is a factor in creating attraction, so that has its benefits.

    The reason I blame the other woman is because it’s like she’s betraying women everywhere when she chooses to engage in an affair. When one woman lowers her standards and expectations, it affects all of us. If one man is cheating, it’s like it has a domino effect on other men triggered by male competition. Femininity is a powerful force such that it can create a loving home or destroy one.

    • Masaleen

      Reply Reply November 3, 2010

      Is it really male nature not to value the relationship as number one in the beginning? This is very untrue for my man. He daily tells me I’m the most important thing in his life, over the Marines, school, his favorite hobbies, etc. And he is very sincere, loving, and emotional when he says this. And he’s definitely not “hunting for other opportunities” now that we’re engaged. I agree that men can’t help looking at other women (as long as he lives he’ll look), but my man searched very hard for a woman to be his wife, and now that he feels he found the perfect woman (his soul mate:)), other women mean nothing to him romantically. Of course, our relationship will go up and down, and sometimes he won’t like being committed to me, but I think there are many men like him who know the man/woman relationship is the most beautiful and precious thing in the world.

      I do agree, though, that everyone is affected when one woman lowers her standards. It’s not just the wife’s fault that her husband cheated, because the other woman COULD have listened to her conscience and stopped it. But this is taking away our responsibility, our responsibility being making the relationship strong enough from the beginning to not let a man even be interested in another woman, like Renee says.

      One more thing though, do you really believe one man cheating has a domino effect on other men, making other husbands want to cheat, too? I disagree…I think every relationship is completely different, and whether a man cheats or not is dependent on the strength of the bond between him and his woman.

      • Mary

        Reply Reply November 7, 2010

        You obviously have no idea how many women cheat, and even worse – cause their husbands to bring up other men’s children.

        • Masaleen

          Reply Reply November 15, 2010

          What do you mean? Are you saying I don’t understand how much one woman cheating on her man can affect other women, making them also cheat on their man?

      • Lauren

        Reply Reply November 7, 2010

        Hey there Masaleen,

        When I say that it is not in a man’s nature to value the relationship number one, I mean on the most primal level. For example, if a man is struggling in some aspect of his life, his relationship will take a backseat to whatever his problem is. (why women complain about men working too much) I feel women are very much the opposite. If our relationship is going great, all the other little nuances become secondary and we are able to push through it. The task of maintaining a relationship falls more on the woman’s lovely shoulders. Why? Because we value it more highly and are better able to foresee problems and prevent them by being the more cooperative partner.

        You said that he’s “sincere, loving, and emotional” but this is feminine charged. I don’t know your man, but I don’t think he would use those words to describe himself. Just differences between the sexes.

        And when I said hunting for opportunities, I didn’t mean to imply chasing other women. I meant noticing other women. When he notices them, the urge to hunt comes alive. He stops because of his devotion to you. Just means that you are a wonderful woman and he sees it clearly.

        I totally agree that it is a woman’s responsibility to keep being a good woman to her man. I think constantly worrying about a cheating man produces a cheating man. Self-fulfilling prophecy :-)

        Every relationship is completely different, but I find it ironic that so many women complain about the exact same things. We always think we are the exception, and we usually aren’t.

        Hope that clarified my thinking ;-)

        • Masaleen

          Reply Reply November 15, 2010

          Yes, that did clarify a lot:) Especially with what you mentioned in the first paragraph, and basically everything else, I completely agree.

          As far as whether he would consider himself sincere, loving, and emotional, he would, with pride. Maybe not openly (openly he’s a “badass,” haha), but with me, he admits that he wants to be considered a gentle, tender, loving man. I think all men should be tough on the outside, and very soft on the inside for their woman.

    • Mika Maddela

      Reply Reply August 5, 2012

      I’m two years late for this conversation but I wanted to add my thoughts.

      “When one woman lowers her standards and expectations, it affects all of us.”

      I disagree with this. Like Renee has mentioned in the past, the only person you have any control over is yourself. It’s about taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions… not creating some sort of ‘covert’ contract just because this person is the same gender or based on your assumptions that this person has the same morals as you. I’m not condoning infidelity but focusing all your energy on the third-party is pointless since the root of the problem resides within YOUR relationship with your partner– not with your partner and the other woman… . You can’t control your partner’s feelings or desires but you can control your own actions and thoughts that affects the dynamic of your own relationship, thus creating the state of your relationship.

  • oli

    Reply Reply November 2, 2010

    I think that all long term relationships or the institution of marriage have their Achilles heel and that the two people who form that union are not infallible.

    I think that it also depends and how you actually define a homewrecker. Is it a person who single mindedly sets out to destroy your marriage (get your spouse for example because he is well to do) or is it simply a person who gets involved with a married person and in the process the involvement leads to a marriage breakdown? They are different things, in my mind.
    So yes I do believe there are women who are homewreckers and the others who by virtue of their actions/involvement end up wrecking a home.

    Yes I absolutely believe that there are many things one can do to strengthen your union with your partner to make it stongER and more resistant,however I do not believe that is a guarantee of a lifetime of bliss with one’s partner/spouse or a guarantee that ‘the other woman syndrome’ will never never happen to you.

    Anyone who has been in a long marriage (decades) would tell you that often life gives marriage quite a beating. Couples deal with child rearing, chronically sick children, tragedies like death in families, serious illnesses, middle age crisis (both men and woman), expectations of extended families, in laws, the often mentioned financial strains; this list is far from exhaustive.

    I think every long term relationship has its vulnerable moments, in fact several of them throughout life, because we humans are faced with the numerous challenges of life itself. And sometimes the other woman and (hey lets be fair to the men) the other man syndrome tends to rear its ugly head in such moments even in marriages that are fundamentally sound.

    This is not to take away the point you made Renee about taking good care of your relationship to help prevent ‘homewrecker incidences’ but I would not put all blame on the wronged spouse (man or women) either.

    I do however totally agree with you as you say in your article that ‘As soon as you blame the other woman, not only is this not classy, it completely strips you of your power as a woman. Power to learn and grow and do what’s best for your relationship’.

    I couldnt agree more on this one. A woman who refuses to learn, get smarter and grow IS the real tragedy.

  • shel

    Reply Reply November 2, 2010

    Brilliant, Renee. And so very true. Thanks.

  • Jennifer Fulks

    Reply Reply November 2, 2010

    I quite agree! I have always found that annoying when people blame the other woman! Although I was sad to see Brad go to Angelina, lol ;) Darren and I made a deal before we got married. I told him if he ever cheated I would forgive him once. I said if he felt the need to cheat that there was something wrong with our marriage and sign we need to work on things, but twice and he would be gone. After 18 years he still tells me he is holding out for the day Halle Berry knocks on his door so he can take advantage of his one time pass, lol!

    • Masaleen

      Reply Reply November 3, 2010

      I hope you don’t one day regret making that deal>< I would never make a deal like that with my man.

    • SirenSong

      Reply Reply February 5, 2013

      Jennifer, congratulations for having the spirit of confidence and authenticity to have that conversation with your man! I think it sounds like a perfect arrangement… I hope it goes both ways, in case you ever run into a sexy male celebrity yourself ;)

      Honestly, I don’t know why some people are so black and white about monogamy. Sure, someone who is a serial cheater or a sex addict has issues, and isn’t suited to a life with one person or the responsibility of a family. But is 100% fidelity required for a happy marriage? I doubt it. Certainly not in France… haha. Having a fling during a “rough patch” in the marriage, or a one night stand with someone in a lapse of drunken bad judgement, does not take away all the love and memories someone has with their partner if they really love them.

      In my marriage, I would have loved to deal with an affair, instead of the far more serious issues that ended it. By the time it was all over, I envied women who thought an affair was the worst betrayal that could happen to them!

      Now if I were ever married again, I would tell my husband, “If you ever cheat, don’t worry… I’ll forgive you, right after I get my “payback” with Hugh Jackman!” ;) When you can laugh about it, you have a healthy relationship… and when you can laugh about the past, you know it’s healed.

  • Jasmine

    Reply Reply November 2, 2010

    Good article Renee, I agree.

    • kay

      Reply Reply March 8, 2013

      As much as i would have liked to, did not get around to reading a majority of inputs on “homewreckers”. I live in a country where what is mostly topical at this point if rape/violence and in particular violence against women and children. Pain that is inflicted physically, is painful and enduring for the lifetime of the sufferer. There is other damaging pain, without in any way comparing pain and weighing it, tthat is virtually impossible, but it is that insidious psychological and emotional enduring and equally devastating pain. Being consistently lied to, manipulated, deceived, watched studied and inflicted by the ‘clever’ one, so they think. What some married women do not realise about their “seduced” husbands, is the connivance that is played with them and the other ‘love interest’ as i choose to call this category of some of these women. Men, in some way, thanks to the still very highly institutionalised and partricachial society we move in, can still ‘get away with it’, blameless, forced into things,,,, really? for as long as, us women, mothers, wives, girlfriends, etc, take and enconse this stance, married men, our lovers, our brothers, men, will forage, hurt, grab , destroy, violate, betray, hurt, and move pretty much effortlessly without as much as accountability for their actions being put on the table, because someone else will take the fall for their lack of integrity and unscrupulous deceitful, manipulative, power hungry, narcisstic or saddistic motives translated in their actions. It is present whether truly understandable, or acceptable, that that will persist given the nature and weight of men and women in relationships in a world which is stil largely dictated, directed, and ruled significantly by the male species. Does it suprise anyone that when rape or direct physical abuse takes place in a home the female parent is often still in doubt about believing the silent or articulated screams of this girl child who is dying slowly and painfully quietly from the hurt that they may very well be enduring day in and day out from the male at home: crying silently or loudly to the mother, female figure that refuses to see or believe. This is the very thing that is perpetuated in marital relationships where men come out ie are perceived/believed blindly , again and again, as not capable of committing such atrocious acts. And in the mean time they continue again and again and again to inflict pain and damage an unspeakable hurt and devastation. Why can they go out and ‘mistress’ and get away with it as it were? Are we, women giving these men leverage? Are we defending their behaviour by blaming the ‘other’ for their indescretions? At which point does responsibility, accountability, respect, truth, integrity show up? for these men that is?
      Not that i had much evidence of the lies spoken to me consistently with a straight face of a sociopath. At some point i had to pay attention to my instincts. It paid rewards in the end, rewards that both devasted the essence of my being and shook me to the chore. Coming face to face with the truth took me to the places of light and darkness that i had simply not prepared any of my being for. What when you think you ‘get’ people, you have some insight into people, their ways etc? What when you trust and take pity, comfort the person who is in such a debilitating marriage? loves you more than life itself? weeps, begs and pleads when you leave them and all your heart can do is feel . what a cold hearted person you are being by not appreciating this unspeakable place that this person sits in. You tell your friends and family, because your shared love is not a secret. and they share as much pity and pour support and love? well of course they- him and his supposedly sleepy, suicidal, mentally unstable, totally unloved wife, live in different towns and so there isn’t that i have to go home now its seven etc. Your- mine and his- relationshiop is public, open, nothing hidden, well at least certainly as far as I am concernced because there is nothing to be ashamed of, in fact we not doing any wrong, I love you, you love me but the forces of nature keep us apart ,but, wait, he is working on them, You have now had enough of his pain and you certainly can’t bear to see him in that situation and you tell him just as much. I love you, you say to him, you are my friend, my best friend, and it hurts me to see you like this, There is nothing i can do to help you, it all lies in your hands, Tell your children (34 and 32 that it is not fair for them to cry and beg you stay with their mother – who knows now what the truth is?, You too deserve your life as much as they do, your children have their lives with their families. Speak openly to them about your life and your feelings, hope that they can respect and understand your openness, your feelings. But speak out. Only you can do that. If you can’t do that i cannot help you and I don’t want to see you that like that ,you say to him, as i did. That was in fact an ultimatum. Save yourself as only you can. I cannot do it for you. If you don’t do it yourself stay away from me because you are compromising my health and i can not bear to see you like that. Bearing in mind that apparently that each time the divorce was discussed she -the wife -would try to commit suicide. So i was told. One can lie and lie but the truth has a way of showing up when least expected and certainly with a rather unexpected face. The one called truth would indeed show up. Lies, manipulation, deciet were exposed. Never, never underestimate the power of your instinct. In my heart I knew that deception and lies had to come to an end. Sociopaths have a very sophisticated manner of cruising as i call it. Lie to the one victim to deceive the other. Mind you they- wife and lover- are never in the same space together at the same time so you have the POWER to present whatever picture suits the occassion. On that night, i asked him for his phone. I got into it, sitting right infront of him and looked up his wife and simply called her. I greeted and apologised for the late call, told her my name without going into detail and simply said: “Mike has something that he wants to say to you,” Period. However limited that venture was, but it would give me an opportunity to be a part of a conversation that would reveal a lot more than i had anticipated. Well, what had i anticipated? Well,certainly an end to the mess of feeling like i was lied to, deceived, and definitely by a man that i adored, my friend, my confidante, That evening, Valentine’s Day, whatever that is, things like, shock, rage, fury, immense heat within my body, devastation, weakness, outrage, fire, anger, desbelief, betrayal, deception, would engulf me, rock and rattle me and do all sorts of unspeakable things to me, no differet from his actions and behaviour. These feelings would in the next few days and weeks rob me of my peaceful sleep, my desire to eat, see the sun shine, watch it set, answer loving concerned friends phone calls, lump in my bed, and even compel me to write to my office with words such as; I just can’t rise. I am finished. In between the feelings of feeling finished, stupid, complicit, betrayed, devastated, battling for my sanity between countless cigarettes and countless glasses of wine i would be plotting revenge and destruction. Something wholly foreign to my nature. I would swing between spending endless minutes on the internet on DSMR 4 nd 5; blaming, weeping, cursing, and feeling entirely lost. Here was a powerful man that i could bring down and then what? What> these are the incurable types. How much can you beg one man to tell the truth? He would never tell Lydia or Harry his son, or Ellen the truth. He would not know what that is. He has purely been lying, and deceiving. That is him. That was his oxygen. I would fight for the truth i told myself until as the seasons changed after yet another sleep disturbed evening/morning it struck me that, wait, what is going on here. This bitterness, the need to hurt as much and humiliate was sucking me down under. That was corruption seeping into my bloodstream. I was becoming this thing that i detested, I was succumbing to the world of darkness. I was staying involved so to speak. The power now lay in my hands. I knew the destruction that i could unravel upon him and his family. But they had nothing to do with this mad person. One thing for sure at that point: I was not going to become anything like him. If i continued in that vain he would still explicitly enjoy his hold on me. I had to deny him that, for my sake and my well being. I would take and keep my power to be the beautiful person that i am and want to be in the face of adversity. I often remember his words: No one can be selfrighteous when angry. Hhm. I have gone on and on. But here it is: Cheating men should and must be held accountable. Passing blame to the ‘other’ condones their behaviour. Revenge is a dish best served cold? Not worth it. Good positive and constructive healing energy is better invested elsewhere. in healing the self. It is not with the sociopath, the destructive, grossly negligent and cruel replica of a human feeling being.
      They have robbed you of far too much enough already, why indulge them anymore?. Remember this, you were a toy, you were a plaything, Look, now they have finished playing with you. They have discarded you. Most probably even lied really hard about you because they have no skin to tell the truth. They do no have integrity. Hard, cold and painful as it may sound, it feels pretty much like that too, hurtful. Accept that and seek, accept, and gain and harness the strength to move on. and yes you can do that, you will because you can heal. Depending on where you are, sometimes you will feel week and on other days stronger. It is a progressive realisation and you have an opportunity to get to know yourself better. Take it. Ben Okri in Astonishing the Gods, suggests strongly that we sit with our pain, that we look at it, try and understand it, learn from it, Try not be too quick to escape, There is a lot to be learned in the face of deep profound pain. Take a good look at its face, it may very well present again, the next time it does, you will recognise it and shun it. Stay as beautiful as you are, get stronger, feel better, do better because you will know better. Sparkle. One love, as my friend Doc would say.

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