The goal of this article isn’t to make a man light up like Christmas lights, and be all chirpy and cheerful. The goal really is to bring light in to his life; to be the yin to his yang, and to enchant.
The very purpose of this post is to help you find a way to ease a man’s tension and give your feminine gifts. But this post is written for women in a relationship. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)
As a woman, I have found that the task of cheering my man up and comforting him has proven to be very difficult at times. Mostly because I am a woman, not a man; and it has taken a shift in psychology to understand that my perceptions are not my man’s perceptions, and moreover, that when I think he seems emcumbered or stressed and upset; he may not actually be looking for relief from this state he is in. He may not want to change the state he is in, unlike how a woman might by talking about it, being listened to, etc.
Like most women, if my girlfriends are upset, I naturally ask something along the lines of:
“Are you OK honey?”
“What’s going on?”
“Can I help?”
“Are you upset?”
“Do you want to talk?”
“I’m here for you.”
And if you probe enough and show enough care, and she trusts you, mostly, women will open up to you and talk (got to love women) 🙂 what wonderful creatures we are!
But, when dealing with men, asking these questions is not always the best approach. Your task really is to give your feminine energy.
Counter-intuitive though it is – if your man is masculine and he is having financial troubles for example, it is rarely the right solution to offer your financial help, or to offer to go out and get a job or to offer your knowledge in financial investment (raising my hand to show that I’ve made this mistake before). Stupid. Stupid. 🙂
And it’s very, very hard not to want to offer this solution because it’s how we have been conditioned as women in most cultures today! And even if I tell you, instead, give your feminine energy – you may ask “how?! I’ve never been taught!!”
That’s why this blog exists. But, giving your feminine energy is a hard thing to do well. It can be a complex thing that takes a lot of understanding, and it’s beyond the scope of this article, but I will still make simple suggestions. (read my article about how to be feminine)
The conventional solution…
Feminine women care about everything. So, you’re probably like me in that you’ll be sad and wanting to do everything that you can to help if your man seems down. Well, this everything that I’m talking about is simply giving your feminine energy.
You could guess what my initial reactions were when I first encountered my man’s stressed-out looks, during the earlier period of our relationship. I would often take his mood as a sign of lack of affection or love for ME. I would think that it was about me. I’d think that he was angry at me, hated me, was judging me, or found me a nuisance. I would think ‘OMG, he thinks I’m ugly right now’. Or ‘he doesn’t care about me anymore’. ‘He’s so cold’. Or ‘he’s so arrogant!!’
As I have come to realize; it was never any of these things. He has never judged me. Never. I know that in my heart of hearts. But as a woman, you will know what I mean when I say that we tend to close up and get uptight and scared when our man seems to go away or get caught up for days on some problem that he needs to fix. And when he won’t open up to us; we fret. The majority of men are never judging us women as much as we think they are (if at all).
On giving or offering your ‘solutions’…..
Perhaps your man has a demanding career that requires he work outside of traditional working hours. Perhaps he just often seems to be dealing with this or that dilemma. Perhaps he is lacking sleep or rest. (read my article about why he pulls away)
And in relationships, this is probably one of the hardest things a woman will have to deal with. Of course, most of us have been taught to just approach the problem with a solution. To give advice.
No giving advice unless you have been asked to. And no, this isn’t because I think you should be a docile, useless, frail woman. It’s because your job (as well as your man’s) in relationship is to give and to understand. And no masculine man wants his woman to approach him with a bunch of instructions.
As soon as you approach him and start to offer “answers”, this will make him feel like he is not understood by you.
Rest assured, there will be a time for this. And, when it arises – when he asks for your input, tread carefully, and always come from a loving place.
So here’s How to Comfort a Man:
Every man is different. I recommend that you take the time to truly understand him and his needs first. And if one thing doesn’t work; take another approach. Do this until you find the exact thing to do to fill up your man’s heart.
There are two typical scenarios that you will need to be aware of when your man is (or seems) stressed. You will have to use your own judgment here.
The first one is that your presence is NOT really needed.
The second one is that your presence IS needed.
So, firstly, work out whether your presence is required. Ask yourself honestly: ‘Am I approaching him because I want something from him? (ie: some sort of subtle indication/reassurance that he still loves me and notices that I’m here) or am I approaching him to give something from my heart?
Not that there is anything wrong with wanting attention from your man. It all depends on the situation.
Suppose you’ve worked out honestly that your presence IS needed and would benefit the situation. Here are your options (I’m sure you can think of more):
How to Comfort Your Man When your presence is required- Suggestions:
(These are suggestions. If you don’t like what I suggest, please think of your own ideas, too.)
1) Look deeply in to his eyes and hold his gaze. Draw him further in to your world. Give him something to smile about (there’s a LOT to smile about in the world of the feminine). Smile. Indicate through your look/gaze/body language that you love him. This is all about enchantment and luring him in to your magical gifts.
When you do this, the aim is to draw him in and make it all about you BOTH. Re-connecting to each other’s souls and your very beings. Nothing else in the world exists other than the both of you as a couple.
2) Do a sensual dance. Dances such as:
A lap dance.
A pole dance.
A crazy dance.
Any feminine dancing.
Do whatever it takes. Hell, just put some music on (music that you both like) and move your body. You can also dance naked for added effects – (Did someone say: VULNERABILITY?!) 🙂 The point of this is to put a great, big smile on his face and enchant him. But it won’t work unless you’re confident with it. (read my article about 27 hobbies for women)
Most importantly, have FUN. love your body. It’s a gift.
3) just sit quietly with him, and wait until he is ready to talk/share/converse/discuss. And continue waiting. And continue waiting. Even if it takes hours. Patience, sister! 🙂 Once he sees that you are willing to wait for him to talk; you’ll have much more success at disarming him.
You may very well be your man’s greatest source of love. Just remember to live it.
4) Offer him a full body massage. And relieve him of his tension. And be sincere about it.
5) Give him a blow job. There. I said it. If you don’t like giving them, it’s a good idea to think about it from your man’s perspective and read why men love blow jobs.
(Yeah? You’re kidding, right Renee? No. I’m not. If your aim is to give to your man, this option should not surprise you in the least). And no, I really don’t recommend you do this all the time, every time. It’s a quick option and it is not a lasting solution that you can practice every time. But I trust you. I trust you to choose what is right in the moment for both of you. I do also urge you to practice good personal judgment.
I don’t believe in casual sex. But, I do believe in giving to the one that you love.
6) You know your man better than I do, so, if he doesn’t mind talking to you about things normally, you could ask him questions such as: ‘What are you thinking about?’ Keep in mind that if you ask him how he is feeling; you might very well get something like:
A final note on scenarios in which your presence is required…
Dealing with a man’s stresses can sometimes feel like you’re a rat on a conveyor belt. But that’s only because you’re dealing with the situation with conventional strategies (such as: going straight to insecurity, PROBING him, trying to force something out of him, getting angry – out of your own frustrations, giving ultimatums, accusing him of not loving you or trusting you anymore). Remember the goal is to just love and to enchant.
Men hate ultimatums. Yet, women are still doing it. Everywhere, every day. If you give ultimatums; plan for him to leave or live with an emasculated man for the rest of your life. AND be miserable.
You need to be peaceful. It’s your position to understand him. It needn’t be a chaotic experience. It’s all about feminine enchantment and loving him. It’s been ridiculously hard for me at times in my past, as any man (uncle, friend, father, my man) can be very reserved. And it can take a lot of patience. But it becomes a lot harder for you if you approach the situation in the past in the above conventional “average” ways.
But, the result is worth it. You may very well be your man’s greatest source of love. Just remember to live it.
So now on to the second scenario; where your presence is not required:
When I say your presence is not required – I mean during the times when your man may seem to be enduring something or may be overwhelmed with something or engrossed in this or that task. When he is clearly engrossed in a mission.
Sometimes, he’ll just want to be left alone. Her may not want or need your thoughts. He may not want or even need you to ask questions or be concerned. He may not want to talk. He may not want to discuss. He may not want to divulge his ‘feelings’. But he will want your respect. He will want your love. These are things that you need to give as a woman (provided he’s earned your respect already).
So, how do you show your love and respect? I have some suggestions.
1) Show your love and respect by leaving him alone, or letting him go away to accomplish what he deems necessary. Even if it is for days or weeks.
2) If he is within your vicinity; bring him a snack at an appropriate time. Like a sandwich with his favourite filling, or a steak or kebabs or veggie sticks or a yummy soup. You don’t need to ask him what he would like. Just bring him something – like, obviously not when he is full already. Use your judgment.
It’s important not to do this just for the sake of it. You can do the right thing at the wrong time and it will have the opposite effect. He may just think it is an annoyance.
3) You can make him a drink. A cool lemon iced tea. Or a hot tea, depending on the weather. Whatever he likes. Help him to refuel and recharge. Men really appreciate this because you’re giving him your feminine love and support. You are taking care of him. What’s that big Facebook fan page about ‘women bringing men sandwiches” ??
This way, you’re still showing him that he is appreciated – that he is loved. You’re still able to deliver your feminine care without being pushy and obtrusive about things. But do it, unqualified. Just bring it, and leave him to his work or thoughts.
4) Show your support and appreciation for what he is doing. Give him a kiss and a brief touch on the shoulder/chest – whatever you like, and say “Thank You. I appreciate all that you do to take care of us/me.” Acknowledge his hard work – his desire to achieve a result. Women need to understand that for the masculine – it’s all about where you’re both going together. Where you’re going to end up. It’s about direction.
This is something women must make a point to appreciate in men. Every woman must appreciate men (or her man) at a different level. They are unlike us, and that is how it is meant to be.
Men and women are here to complement each other.
Ultimately, no matter what you do – it’s about what you do but even more importantly; WHY you do it. Don’t do anything just for the sake of doing something. Giving a man sex is one thing which women do thinking it will get them somewhere. It can, but it depends on the nature of your relationship and on the individual situation.
I’m so excited to let you know that we have already launched the Commitment Control 2.0. Click here to register and watch the Commitment Masterclass.
Now, over to you. What do you think of this article? Have you got any quick tips for comforting a man? Anything that would help other damsels?