How to Comfort Your Man

how to comfort your man

How to Comfort Your Man

The goal of this article isn’t to make a man light up like Christmas lights, and be all chirpy and cheerful. The goal really is to bring light  in to his life; to be the yin to his yang, and to enchant.

The very purpose of this post is to help you find a way to ease a man’s tension and give your feminine gifts. But this post is written for women in a relationship. (read my article about what you should know before buying a man a gift)

As a woman, I have found that the task of cheering my man up and comforting him has proven to be very difficult at times. Mostly because I am a woman, not a man; and it has taken a shift in psychology to understand that my perceptions are not my man’s perceptions, and moreover, that when I think he seems emcumbered or stressed and upset; he may not actually be looking for relief from this state he is in. He may not want to change the state he is in, unlike how a woman might by talking about it, being listened to, etc.

Like most women, if my girlfriends are upset, I naturally ask something along the lines of:

“Are you OK honey?”

“What’s going on?”

“What’s happening?”

“Can I help?”

“Are you upset?”

“Do you want to talk?”

“I’m here for you.”

And if you probe enough and show enough care, and she trusts you, mostly, women will open up to you and talk (got to love women) :) what wonderful creatures we are!

But, when dealing with men, asking these questions is not always the best approach. Your task really is to give your feminine energy.

Counter-intuitive though it is – if your man is masculine and he is having financial troubles for example, it is rarely the right solution to offer your financial help, or to offer to go out and get a job or to offer your knowledge in financial investment (raising my hand to show that I’ve made this mistake before). Stupid. Stupid. :)

And it’s very, very hard not to want to offer this solution because it’s how we have been conditioned as women in most cultures today! And even if I tell you, instead, give your feminine energy – you may ask “how?! I’ve never been taught!!”


That’s why this blog exists. But, giving your feminine energy is a hard thing to do well. It can be a complex thing that takes a lot of understanding, and it’s beyond the scope of this article, but I will still make simple suggestions. (read my article about how to be feminine)

The conventional solution…

Feminine women care about everything. So, you’re probably like me in that you’ll be sad and wanting to do everything that you can to help if your man seems down. Well, this everything that I’m talking about is simply giving your feminine energy.

You could guess what my initial reactions were when I first encountered my man’s stressed-out looks, during the earlier period of our relationship. I would often take his mood as a sign of lack of affection or love for ME. I would think that it was about me. I’d think that he was angry at me, hated me, was judging me, or found me a nuisance. I would think ‘OMG, he thinks I’m ugly right now’. Or ‘he doesn’t care about me anymore’. ‘He’s so cold’. Or ‘he’s so arrogant!!’

As I have come to realize; it was never any of these things. He has never judged me. Never. I know that in my heart of hearts. But as a woman, you will know what I mean when I say that we tend to close up and get uptight and scared when our man seems to go away or get caught up for days on some problem that he needs to fix. And when he won’t open up to us; we fret. The majority of men are never judging us women as much as we think they are (if at all).

On giving or offering your  ‘solutions’…..

Perhaps your man has a demanding career that requires he work outside of traditional working hours. Perhaps he just often seems to be dealing with this or that dilemma. Perhaps he is lacking sleep or rest. (read my article about why he pulls away)

And in relationships, this is probably one of the hardest things a woman will have to deal with. Of course, most of us have been taught to just approach the problem with a solution. To give advice.


No giving advice unless you have been asked to. And no, this isn’t because I think you should be a docile, useless, frail woman. It’s because your job (as well as your man’s) in relationship is to give and to understand. And no masculine man wants his woman to approach him with a bunch of instructions.

Hell. No.

As soon as you approach him and start to offer “answers”, this will make him feel like he is not understood by you.

Rest assured, there will be a time for this. And, when it arises – when he asks for your input, tread carefully, and always come from a loving place.

So here’s How to Comfort a Man:

Every man is different. I recommend that you take the time to truly understand him and his needs first. And if one thing doesn’t work; take another approach. Do this until you find the exact thing to do to fill up your man’s heart.

There are two typical scenarios that you will need to be aware of when your man is (or seems) stressed. You will have to use your own judgment here.

The first one is that your presence is NOT really needed.

The second one is that your presence IS needed.

So, firstly, work out whether your presence is required. Ask yourself honestly: ‘Am I approaching him because I want something from him? (ie: some sort of subtle indication/reassurance that he still loves me and notices that I’m here) or am I approaching him to give something from my heart?

Not that there is anything wrong with wanting attention from your man. It all depends on the situation.

Suppose you’ve worked out honestly that your presence IS needed and would benefit the situation. Here are your options (I’m sure you can think of more):

How to Comfort Your Man When your presence is required- Suggestions:

(These are suggestions. If you don’t like what I suggest, please think of your own ideas, too.)

1) Look deeply in to his eyes and hold his gaze. Draw him further in to your world. Give him something to smile about (there’s a LOT to smile about in the world of the feminine). Smile. Indicate through your look/gaze/body language that you love him. This is all about enchantment and luring him in to your magical gifts.

When you do this, the aim is to draw him in and make it all about you BOTH. Re-connecting to each other’s souls and your very beings. Nothing else in the world exists other than the both of you as a couple.

2) Do a sensual dance. Dances such as:

A lap dance.

A pole dance.

A crazy dance.

Any feminine dancing.

Do whatever it takes. Hell, just put some music on (music that you both like) and move your body. You can also dance naked for added effects – (Did someone say: VULNERABILITY?!)  :) The point of this is to put a great, big smile on his face and enchant him. But it won’t work unless you’re confident with it. (read my article about 27 hobbies for women)

Most importantly, have FUN. love your body. It’s a gift.

3) just sit quietly with him, and wait until he is ready to talk/share/converse/discuss. And continue waiting. And continue waiting. Even if it takes hours. Patience, sister! :) Once he sees that you are willing to wait for him to talk; you’ll have much more success at disarming him.

You may very well be your man’s greatest source of love. Just remember to live it.

4) Offer him a full body massage. And relieve him of his tension. And be sincere about it.

5) Give him a blow job. There. I said it. If you don’t like giving them, it’s a good idea to think about it from your man’s perspective  and read why men love blow jobs.

(Yeah? You’re kidding, right Renee? No. I’m not. If your aim is to give to your man, this option should not surprise you in the least). And no, I really don’t recommend you do this all the time, every time. It’s a quick option and it is not a lasting solution that you can practice every time. But I trust you. I trust you to choose what is right in the moment for both of you. I do also urge you to practice good personal judgment.

I don’t believe in casual sex. But, I do believe in giving to the one that you love.

6) You know your man better than I do, so, if he doesn’t mind talking to you about things normally, you could ask him questions such as: ‘What are you thinking about?’ Keep in mind that if you ask him how he is feeling; you might very well get something like:

‘nothin’; or

‘I dunno’.

A final note on scenarios in which your presence is required…

Dealing with a man’s stresses can sometimes feel like you’re a rat on a conveyor belt. But that’s only because you’re dealing with the situation with conventional strategies (such as: going straight to insecurity, PROBING him, trying to force something out of him, getting angry – out of your own frustrations, giving ultimatums, accusing him of not loving you or trusting you anymore). Remember the goal is to just love and to enchant.

Men hate ultimatums. Yet, women are still doing it. Everywhere, every day. If you give ultimatums; plan for him to leave or live with an emasculated man for the rest of your life. AND be miserable.

You need to be peaceful. It’s your position to understand him. It needn’t be a chaotic experience. It’s all about feminine enchantment and loving him. It’s been ridiculously hard for me at times in my past, as any man (uncle, friend, father, my man) can be very reserved. And it can take a lot of patience.  But it becomes a lot harder for you if you approach the situation in the past in the above conventional “average” ways.

But, the result is worth it. You may very well be your man’s greatest source of love. Just remember to live it.

So now on to the second scenario; where your presence is not required:

When I say your presence is not required – I mean during the times when your man may seem to be enduring something or may be overwhelmed with something or engrossed in this or that task. When he is clearly engrossed in a mission.

Sometimes, he’ll just want to be left alone. Her may not want or need your thoughts. He may not want or even need you to ask questions or be concerned. He may not want to talk. He may not want to discuss. He may not want to divulge his ‘feelings’. But he will want your respect. He will want your love. These are things that you need to give as a woman (provided he’s earned your respect already).

So, how do you show your love and respect? I have some suggestions.

1) Show your love and respect by leaving him alone, or letting him go away to accomplish what he deems necessary. Even if it is for days or weeks.

2) If he is within your vicinity; bring him a snack at an approproate time. Like a sandwich with his favourite filling, or a steak or kebabs or veggie sticks or a yummy soup. You don’t need to ask him what he would like. Just bring him something – like, obviously not when he is full already. Use your judgment.

It’s important not to do this just for the sake of it. You can do the right thing at the wrong time and it will have the opposite effect. He may just think it is an annoyance.

3) You can make him a drink. A cool lemon iced tea. Or a hot tea, depending on the weather. Whatever he likes. Help him to refuel and recharge. Men really appreciate this because you’re giving him your feminine love and support. You are taking care of him. What’s that big facebook fan page about ‘women bringing men sandwiches” ??

This way, you’re still showing him that he is appreciated – that he is loved. You’re still able to deliver your feminine care without being pushy and obtrusive about things. But do it, unqualified. Just bring it, and leave him to his work or thoughts.

4) Show your support and appreciation for what he is doing. Give him a kiss and a brief touch on the shoulder/chest – whatever you like, and say “Thank You. I appreciate all that you do to take care of us/me.” Acknowledge his hard work – his desire to achieve a result. Women need to understand that for the masculine – it’s all about where you’re both going together. Where you’re going to end up. It’s about direction.

This is something women must make a point to appreciate in men. Every woman must appreciate men (or her man) at a different level. They are unlike us, and that is how it is meant to be.

Men and women are here to complement each other.

Ultimately, no matter what you do – it’s about what you do but even more importantly; WHY you do it. Don’t do anything just for the sake of doing something. Giving a man sex is one thing which women do thinking it will get them somewhere. It can, but it depends on the nature of your relationship and on the individual situation.

Now, over to you. What do you think of this article? Have you got any quick tips for comforting a man? Anything that would help other damsels?

Renee The Founder of The Feminine Woman


  • Joan

    Reply Reply January 21, 2014

    Ok, my hubby has a sore tooth, he called the dentist office and they can’t take him for 3 days. He has to wait. But, he has so much pain and an abscessed tooth, he has been in pain for a week now. He has been going to work with this, and half his face is swollen.

    I want to tell him to just walk into the dentist office and wait there till they see him because of the pain he is in. I sooo want to bring him there myself and force it on him. I just want to step up, but I do know this will not make him happy. I sit here quietly, I don’t know what to do.

    So, my question is, when they are sick, do we step up and take the reins?

  • Holly

    Reply Reply December 26, 2013

    Lol Renee, I did something really stupid.

    When I was in hospital for mental health, me and someone I was in hospital with had to be escorted to the shops by one of the workers.

    It was a man, he looked and was most probably a very masculine man.

    When I deciding what chocolate to purchase, I said to the the worker, “do you want anything”, X-D, cringe, because I can look back now and realize how I probably shouldn’t of done that, but I was just been me, and I’ve hated the thought of people being left out in the past.

    Well, I almost feel like a different person these days, but the look on his face, anyone would have thought I said to him, you can borrow my underwear, makeup and perfume if you want to.

    From now on I feel that I should let men take the leading role.

    The truth is, I would deep down feel angry and resentful in a reverse role relationship.

    I’ve upped my standards, I now have higher self esteem so I wouldn’t accept for anything less, but that’s fine because I expect others to also have high standards and I’m only to happy to hear the truth in life, so long as it’s coming from a place of integrity then I’m happy for that matter.

    Looking back on my time, I’m now wondering why on earth did I ever presume myself to be more masculine!?! It sounds really bizarre way to veiw myself, but I can tell so much that I’m really feminine deep down.

  • jane

    Reply Reply August 23, 2013

    fantastic … i will try this out on john x

  • Kira

    Reply Reply August 4, 2013

    I just thought of something. I’m not entirely certain whether this is true but it’s another way to look at it. In one of your posts you said that a man is triggered into doing something when a woman is unhappy. Well maybe sharing his stress load rubs off on you and it in turn dampens your mood a little bit. Not saying it’s a burden or anything just..What if the reason asking after him or doing something about it yourself doesn’t work because when you get overtly involved you have empathy emotions which in turn alerts him to it and just stresses him out more? You know, just puts something else on his plate to worry about. Like, “Well I’m unhappy and now she is too!”

    Maybe men don’t want to worry you about these things because they want you to be vibrant and happy and they don’t want to bring you down and thus the man cave. It’s counter intuitive to get his lady involved with it because he wants to protect and serve that energy you have. It’s important to him. It’s vital. And it’s something he needs to keep going.

    This is just excellent Renee. Every time I read your articles I go into a deeper understanding of it. Things I couldn’t pick out yesterday, clear up today. And it just blows my mind.

  • Lynn

    Reply Reply July 5, 2013

    Renee, this entry actually got me through a hurdle with my guy, who has been dealing with enormous pressures at work (he is top dog at a non-profit organization). I knew he was in his “man cave,” because he suddenly went quiet for a couple of days, and it’s not at all like him to do that.

    Using your guidance, I emailed him that I was available if he needed a soft place to land, but that I also respected his need to stay silent if he needed to work things out alone and that I was available for support when/if he needed it.

    This resulted in a thank you email, followed by a texting exchange a couple of hours later, followed by a phone call last night. I still do not know exactly what is going on, but he called and made me laugh SO HARD. And then he said I was the only person who could draw him out like that — he’d been refusing phone calls from friends and family and had wanted to be left alone and was organizing his apartment while he thought about things.

    Our phone call just centered around my day and activities and films and musicians — things that interest both of us. It was funny how he moved the focus from his problems to finding out how *I* was doing. I just kept things light and even and by the end of the night, way past midnight, he was sending me videos of 4th of July fireworks from the window of his bedroom.

    We are long distance at the moment, and that’s why some of these tips don’t work, because I would have to be physically present to do them. But then I thought, “What is the long distance equivalent of bringing a guy a drink of cold water or a sandwich?” So when he finally texted last night, my response was a quote from a film and telling him to guess which film it was. Then I said, “Yes, that quote is a flagrant attempt to cheer you up.”

    It was like sprinkling fairy dust, and all of a sudden, he was his old happy self again and calling me.

    I have really benefited from your entries, because they have essentially taught me to take the focus off of ME (i.e., he’s not calling because I did something wrong) and put the focus on HIS needs (i.e., he’s wired to withdraw when going through a tough time, so how can I support him in the way he needs to be supported, not the way I would want to be supported?).

    It has flipped the tables on my interactions, not just with this man for whom I have strong feelings, but also has this ripple effect on the way I deal with all men, all day long, in all situations!

    Thank you so much (by the way, this is the same person who posted on your FB wall about breastfeeding your baby, but I’m using my middle name here. I have concerns about an ex spouse and my privacy. :-).

    Have a great day, and I really appreciate it.

  • Ru

    Reply Reply June 28, 2013

    the only thing that bothers me about this is WHY does the woman have to be understanding and patient all the time when a man decides to withdraw? It sounds unfair because from what I read, it seems that we MUST give the guy as much time as he needs every time this happens, whether it’s days or weeks to get over or cope with his feelings and thoughtss over a situation.. Why would I want to condone such behavior on a continual basis? I understand that everyone goes through things and need a moment to collect themselves(shoot, I was the queen of withdrawal for a long time before I realized that I needed to verbaloize that I want to be left alone), but what if the guy does this EVERY time something is not going well in his life?

    How many times should a woman just turn the other cheek? I only have so much patience for that

    • Kira

      Reply Reply August 3, 2013

      Well, you don’t have to do anything. You’re not forced into caring for a man or into showing your love for him. It’s a choice. My question to you is, is he worth it? Men are different, can you accept that? Can you understand that men process their emotions and feelings a lot differently than we do? And that their needs are different. Also, think about your needs for a minute. I guarantee you he might have to make some sacrifices there too. How can you expect a man to give to you what you need without first being willing to give him what he needs? For example, how would you feel if when you got upset your man just left you alone, maybe put in enough time to make you a sandwich or whatever. Didn’t ask how you were, didn’t ask after you. Or say if he tried to seduce you during that time? That wouldn’t feel good to you, you know why? Because you are a woman.
      If he were to act this way, then he’s essentially assuming that you are a man and assuming that your needs are the same as his. He’s a man. If you can’t accept that then expect to be disappointed again and again. Same thing reversed. You are a woman, if he treats you as if you are a man, he’d be disappointed again and again. Because neither you nor him will respond to that. At least not very well.

      And a man also has to be understanding and patient with a woman who is crying and trying to vent because it’s not natural for him to be that way. So no it’s not unfair. And if you’re basing your relationships on fairness, you won’t get anywhere anyway. If you’re too busy keeping a track sheet of how much you do verse how much he does then you won’t be able to appreciate anything he does. That’s like saying I’ll do this but then you owe me that. And that is a business deal, not love. Remember this, nobody owes you anything nor do you owe them. However, both may give and either may leave if they are unhappy. My main point is, both are free.

  • Denise

    Reply Reply April 19, 2013

    Thanks , I’ve recently been looking for info about this subject for ages and yours is the best I’ve came upon so far.
    But, what about the conclusion? Are you positive concerning the supply?

  • Arabella

    Reply Reply March 6, 2013

    I dated one guy who felt comforted when I ran my fingers through his hair (he had such lovely hair) or when I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed. He said he liked the way I smell. So the little things do matter.

  • Cristina

    Reply Reply March 4, 2013

    Hello world my name is Cristina am from USA i want to give thanks to the to God almighty and Dr igbalu who God used in bringing back my love,i was in a relationship with a guy that i love so much his name is Franklin he is a movie actor here in the USA i loved him so much and he loved me too, suddenly he started developing hatred towards me and unknowingly he left me without notice, i was so confused and did not know what to do. i told my friend about the brake up between me and my boy friend. then my friend told that she was reading a newspaper days back when she saw a lady giving testimony in the newspaper on how this great man named igbalu helped her in getting back her love,i do really love this boy so much and i want him back to my life,then i decided to tell my friend to bring the newspaper so that i can go through it, my friend did and i went through the paper and found that this man is really great so i decided to contact him and i told him everything the only thing he told me was that i should start smiling that my love will be back within the next 48 hours and he will never live me for any reason, at first i was doubting until the 48 hours completed,i heard a call from him he was begging and pleading on the phone that i should forgive him i was so surprised and at the same time was so happy and i accepted his apology and now we are living happily than ever before and the most surprising thing was that he bought me a new car.Am so happy now and i thank God for using dr igbalu in helping me and helping lots of people out there.In case you want to thank him for me or you need his help you can contact him through his private…Once again thank you sir.

    Country USA

  • Chantilly

    Reply Reply February 12, 2013

    Hi Renee!
    First I need to say that you are helping me a lot. Thanks to you, I’m learning to deal with lots of situations.
    I’m in a LDR, and I need to know how can I comfort him or give him in some way my loving feminine energy, now that he lost his job. The distance of course doesn’t help. He immediatly talked to me about it, I’ve been the first person he talked about that. He told me he is very upset, and that he didn’t feel to talk and that he need to think how to solve this thing. I told him I understand and that Im very sorry and that I’m by his side anyway. Now I’m wondering what should I do next. Should I simply left him alone, without calling, asking how he is? Or there is a way to give him my love?

  • Jane

    Reply Reply January 28, 2013

    This is a very helpful article, but makes me sad as my man has had terrible stress for over a year now in every area of his life and I can see that I have tried to help him by ‘taking over’ his problems rather than just supporting him through it and letting him sort it. The result was bedroom problems, then a huge row where he called me selfish and unsupportive and too dramatic (I got all needy) :( Hindsight is wonderful and horrible. We live apart which makes caring for him, but leaving him alone difficult. I left his favourite food and a card saying I loved him and I understand. He texted thank you and I said you’re welcome and now not heard from him for a week.

    My question is – how can I let him know I support him when we are apart whilst also leaving him to it to sort out? I took the food and card – should I now just wait for him to come back and not contact him? It is terrible waiting, but even worse not knowing what to do for the best. I have read a lot of your articles and I can see how I have gone wrong. Just hope he will be back for me to try a different way. I love us both so, just want us both to be happy together or apart. Limbo is horrid!

  • Dan

    Reply Reply January 11, 2013

    I love this article! My favourite aspect of my relationship is the fact that we’re different (man and woman) but we learn exactly how each other work! We share a connection that makes me feel so special, and this feels so great because of the fact that I am deeply in love with my girlfriend! It’s good to feel appreciated as a man (no not in terms of masculinity and femininity), in terms of having a different mind’s eye in every situation than a woman, I love to make my girlfriend smile when she’s down and I love that my girlfriend feels the same about me! This article correctly outlines how a man’s mind ticks and the fact that we aren’t judged simply for having different emotions to the other sex is a very good way to live. It’s nice not to be made to feel sexist simply for being a man and having different emotions and feelings!

  • Patricia

    Reply Reply December 20, 2012

    The most important suggestion you gave is: 4) Show your support and appreciation for what he is doing. Give him a kiss and a brief touch on the shoulder/chest – whatever you like, and say “Thank You. I appreciate all that you do to take care of us/me.” Acknowledge his hard work – his desire to achieve a result. Women need to understand that for the masculine – it’s all about where you’re both going together. Where you’re going to end up. It’s about direction.

    In fact, I just texted this to my man this morning while at work: “I appreciate what you’re doing and what you do. I respect you for the choices you make, even when things are extremely stressful, Sweetie!”

    Wow – your advice worked! Because…here’s his reply! “Thanks for your kinds words! I know it’s probably not so bad…[some omissions]…Hope your day is good!” It was actually a long text where he opened up and talked about his work situation.

    Thanks for the reinforcement of how to comfort my man!


  • Patricia

    Reply Reply December 20, 2012

    This article gave me just the reinforcement I needed to remember what the right actions and words are needed when my man is stressed!
    He has been having a very difficult time at work for that last 4 months. I have learned that there are definitely some times when he just needs “to be away from people” for several hours. It’s been difficult not to take it as rejection – but I have found out that when I try to be there anyway, my feelings get hurt. So, when I can determine that times that he does want my presence, I usually put to practice most of the things in your list. Probably the only thing I have n’t tried is dancing, but that’s because I can feel awkward. Somehow, I instinctively knew that looking at him deeply pulls him into my charms…I can see him soften and smile back at me when I open myself up this way. Also, just being quiet until he speaks brings amazing results! He will eventually speak and when he does, I can tell he’s been thinking about hsi situation..then he’ll share his thoughts with me. It only seems to work if I back off and let him open up on his own. He absolutely loves getting a massage! This makes him so happy. Also, a blow job – but only when the timing is right and not too often so that it is always special and heartfelt. He has often said that he feels like he’s “taking more than giving” when I do it…almost like he feels guilty. Not sure how to fix that issue – except to tell him I enjoy it greatly and that it helps me feel closer to him, too.

  • Justine

    Reply Reply April 21, 2011

    So I wish I saw this blog maybe like a month ago…my boyfriend came up to me one day just flat out told me he’s unhappy and needed a break. He was telling me that he didn’t know why he was unhappy so I took it personally..I thought I was the reason I made him unhappy. So I made the mistake of trying to fix the situation, I would write him little notes saying that I love him and to be happy..It turns out that I wasn’t the reason why he was unhappy, he has just been stressed out because of everything else going on in his life (can’t find a job, trying to stay in school, all of his grandparents are sick, he lost a bunch of friends). So our break lasted about 3 weeks, instead of leaving him alone I kept trying to get us back together which eventually back fired on me because we are now broken up. Is there anything I can do to fix this? Or is this just a lost cause? I love him so much and I want him to be happy but at the same time I’m miserable without him and knowing that I made the situation worse doesn’t help either..

    • Jade

      Reply Reply May 22, 2011

      I don’t have much expericnce with men (I’m only 17) so I don’t know if I will be much help. If I were in your situation, I would tell him that you thought he meant he was unhappy with you, that you love him and your sorry. Tell him that you know you made it worse, but if he’s willing you could give your relationship another try. Men can be complex sometimes, some of them find it hard to explain themselves and some think that women should know why their upset or angry.

      Hope this helps and I hope you get him back.

      • Jade again.

        Reply Reply May 22, 2011

        Sorry, meant to write complicated instead of complex – have no ideo what complex means. LOL.

  • Jen

    Reply Reply April 13, 2011

    I just started reading this blog a couple days ago and I’m in love. Your writing is concise, down-to-earth and makes me even more in love with being a woman. Being a woman is fun!

    I had a scenario just last night where my boyfriend came home upset about money issues. When we climbed into bed I started first to offer him comfort by saying that those circumstances would be changing soon etc. He jokingly told me not to worry my pretty little head and to basically asked me to stop talking about it. It took a bit of mental maneuvering to not take it personally, but I relaxed and instead tapped into my natural femininity…humor.

    After a good laugh…(I could tell he didn’t expect to be laughing at that moment)…he cuddle up closer and seemed comforted by my presence. It felt so good to be able to maintain my positive energy (I had a long…but really good day!) and not get wrapped up in his sadness while sending good vibes his way. He still had the financial issues on his mind I’m sure, but at least he knows now that I will be a source of light in his tunnel of uncertainty.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply April 13, 2011

      I love this: “I could tell he didn’t expect to be laughing at that moment” :)
      Well done for giving to your man in the way he needs to be given to. Thank You for sharing this story, Jen.

  • Reem

    Reply Reply January 12, 2011

    Thanks for the article, iv learned a lot of this and gaining new insights everyday.

    You wrote in the article that men and woman are here to complement
    each other.

    I followed your advice and my bf is happy and stable, on the other hand im not feeling fulfilled in the slightest. Though im not doing it to gain something in return but Im not getting much from him and I’m feeling burned out.

    It might be a man thing, shame if it was, cuz im becoming less sparky every day, or it might be just him. I’m trying not to condition things. I just wish men cared as much.

    Thanks for your advice though, i try to be a better person every day.

    • Renee

      Reply Reply January 12, 2011

      Hey Reem,
      oh you sound so lovely and I’m sorry that you are feeling this way. :(
      I really respect what you have given and done for your man and you.
      The feeling that men don’t care as much – I know the feeling. I also know most other women have felt this before. However, it’s not that they don’t care. It’s that much of what they do is aligned to their purpose.
      He doesn’t speak the way you do, and won’t communicate to you in the same way that feels natural to you.
      Try communicating to him by telling him how you feel about the current situation.
      Much love ad peace to you.

  • Bekah

    Reply Reply November 22, 2010

    Oh, thank you for this post! Does this also help when a man is so overwhelmed he feels he needs to put the relationship on hold to get himself together? I have been texting him every couple of days to say hi, and we’ll chat for a few hours… but I’m wondering if I should let him come to me (this has been going on for about a week).

    I am not used to masculine men, so all of this advice is super appreciated. The guy I am currently smitten with is much more masculine than I have encountered in the past, which I am enjoying a lot!

  • تعلم البوكر

    Reply Reply September 4, 2010


  • Tina Carr

    Reply Reply August 25, 2010

    How do you do it ?
    It should have taken hundreds of years to have gained your insight….pure genius !!!

    Thank you soooo much for the post !

    your devoted follower, tina

  • Masaleen

    Reply Reply August 10, 2010

    This post is great!! Thank you Renee!

  • Gerlaine Talk

    Reply Reply August 6, 2010

    I know how it is not to want to see your man fret. I resist that these days. I have learned that when he is in a mood, just to allow him to be. This is the most loving move that I can make. Yes!

    I found myself wanting attention from my man today. Wow! That is amazing. He was frustrated and I just wanted him to show me he loved me. I went for the love. I received a little and I took it. Then I backed off, because I knew he wasn’t in the mood.

    Awesome tips. They resonate with me and I use many of them often. More love. yes!

    Remember to “Say Yes to Life”

  • Katie

    Reply Reply August 4, 2010

    Hi Renee,

    These are great and so true, even if you are just doing these (minus the sexually-related stuff, obviously…..) for a guy friend or family member. My dad, who is a bit of a raging tyrant when stressed, absolutely melts when I just bring him a glass of iced tea or a shoulder rub. I started doing both of these instinctively as a little girl because I hated to see him upset. I still do it, but never realized that I was doing this to comfort him.

    Thank you for the wonderful site!

    • Elly

      Reply Reply May 23, 2011

      I love this article and so refreshing to see in possible solutions: blow job or dance! My boyfriend is in touch with what he needs when stressed and it usually is for me to dance for him or sexual healing. It has taken me a long time to really understand and then trust this fact as women are sooo different and I come from a family of feminist orientated women.

      So to have what I know to be man’s medicine written in a great site like this, is further validation and support of what works in my relationship.

      By the way another great read is a book called ‘The Sex Diaries’ and it really opened my mind up to what men need and how they feel when they don’t get it. There has been such a focus on women’s needs for so long and this book helped inform me of how men work.

      Lots of love and thanks Renee!

  • Renee

    Reply Reply July 25, 2010

    @ Stefanie, Amara, Anima, Luci and Clare: Thank You for your compliments. :) Stefanie, your man is very lucky

    @ jrd: Firstly, I second what Brock has already said. Secondly, sorry for the late reply to your comment and late posting of your comment – the website has changed hosting providers and everything went a bit crazy.

    As for your question: part of ‘giving’ is learning to enjoy it yourself.

    The ‘sex acts’ you’re referring to aren’t just simply sex acts – they actually are bonding, sharing of love with your man. I never ever recommend a woman have sex with her man or give her man a blow job if she doesn’t really want to. I have discussed this in previous articles (sorry, I can’t clarify everything in every article as it takes away from the quality of the article).

    And, most men know if oral sex or intercourse itself is done out of a sense of duty or obligation. They don’t like it, any more than you or I wouldn’t like our man to do something for us out of obligation.

    And it should never be just a ritual either. This is why I say to exercise good personal judgment. Every relationship is different.

    But truly GIVING is not just a 50/50 exchange, as you may have thought I meant. Truly giving is giving to your partner as well as enjoying giving yourself.

    I believe one of the best gifts you ever give to yourself is the ability to give to others. One cannot truly give without receiving. This in itself is sharing.

  • brock

    Reply Reply July 25, 2010

    @jrd. You are sharing it if you love him. You are bonding with him . I will give you a hint. Women bond by talking with each other and sharing their feelings with their girlfriends. Men do not have that outlet. They would come off as gay if they talked to their male friends that way. Males express their emotions and bond through physical contact. Giving him oral is showing how much you love him and accept him and heals his emotional woes. It is like a man telling you how much he loves you and supports you when you are sad.

  • jrd

    Reply Reply July 25, 2010

    I put a high value on my sexuality. Sex bonds me to my husband like nothing else in our relationship. I can give my husband my love, my respect, my appreciation, but for me, sex is not something to be broken down into individual sex acts to be given to the other person. It is something to be shared to express love for one another. In other words, we make love to one another.

    One of your suggestions for a woman to comfort her SO is to give him oral sex. For one such as me who does not believe in “giving” sex, but sharing it, how would this work?

  • brock

    Reply Reply July 25, 2010

    Agree. Feminine women understand masculine men better. It gives a man great pride knowing he can take care of his family and his woman.

  • Amara

    Reply Reply July 25, 2010

    Helped ease a few of my very common fears Renee!!! I’m the one who frets alot!! Haha my ex’s have always said you worry too much and I retort I’m a warrior… NOT SMART AT ALL!! Thanks cookie girl!!!

  • loverenee

    Reply Reply July 24, 2010

    I love Renee. She truly understands the needs of a masculine man. In turn I think she is treated very well by men. Women do not gain respect by acting like a ball busting feminist. A feminine woman can literally make a macho man weak in the knees. Renee is like every mans dream.

    • sharon

      Reply Reply January 15, 2011

      I loved that last line that stated that a feminine woman can literally make a macho man weak in the knees. So true, as masculine men can’t fight with the true feminine energy, as it’s so light and soothing! Thanks for this great article Renee

  • Luci

    Reply Reply July 24, 2010

    Luci: These are good tips, I’ll try to remeber some of them. ^_^

  • Clare

    Reply Reply July 21, 2010

    I have a similar man to you who is quiet and very reserved. But this post has really opened my eyes to some truths about men. Thanks for sharing, Renee.

  • Anima

    Reply Reply July 21, 2010

    Congratulations, this is an excellent post! I have discovered from personal experience that everything said here is very very true. Thank you, you help us women a lot! And i love your attraction Control program. It’s very useful

  • stefanie

    Reply Reply July 21, 2010

    I do the shoulder-massage thing too!
    I often dim the lights, light the candles and put on some relaxing music (like Norah Jones for instance) when I know he’s coming home from a long day.
    Sometimes, I know he can’t do it all in one day, but he feels so responsible. So I ask him if he’d do me the favor of doing something relaxing with me (like watch a movie, go for a walk). That way he feels like he’s at least checking the ‘make girlfriend happy’ box (proceed with caution here – you wouldn’t want to make him feel guilty about not having time for you).
    When he’s done a lot, but still has a lot to do, I always mention the things he did when we talk through our day. To make sure he goes to sleep content, in stead of musing over the to-do’s that are left. It’s hard sometimes to snap out of the work-work-work mindset on your own. He does the same for me, that’s how I learned the trick!
    I do little things like hanging a towel in the shower for him, putting his clothes ready, preparing his lunch to take along, so that he doesn’t have to think about that, too.
    Sometimes when he’s on the phone all day, I just cuddle up next to him and sit there quietly. He always absent-mindedly kind of strokes my hair when I do that, it’s nice.
    He often does want to talk about it after, and then I just listen and provide feedback by acknowledging all the constructive things he did to handle them. If he comes up with a problem, I usually just ask him how he plans on dealing with it (and he always has an answer ready) and express my confidence in him. I agree that offering advise is generally a bad idea!
    Although I do give ‘tips’. Usually my tips are things that are very silly and/or have nothing to do with the problem, that always makes him smile. For example, I’ll pretend to be sure that giving me cookies will definitely make his ‘enemies’ cooperate with him. And sometimes I remind him of how he’d dealt with a similar situation at another time before.
    But I don’t play dumb – if I really do know THE solution, I just tell him.

    I really like this article, I think all women should read this! It’d make the world a whole lot happier if they all just listened to you, Renee!

    • Patricia

      Reply Reply December 20, 2012

      Stefanie, you are awesome!! I can learn some things from you. A lot of what you do helps me to stay on track with what I’m doing as well.

  • Renee

    Reply Reply July 20, 2010

    @ T, Ivan Max Lezama and Ms Summer: Thank You very much :)

    @ Leona: oh that sounds like a lovely thing to do! And thanks for sharing your wisdom on letting your man come to you. This is simple but powerful advice.


  • Leona

    Reply Reply July 20, 2010

    This is a wonderful post, Renee, thank you so much. I really needed to read this one right now!
    One of the things I do with my man, whenever he seems stressed or down, but hasn’t come to me to talk about it (and I always try to let HIM come to ME), is just walk up behind him when he’s sitting down, rub his neck and shoulders for a few minutes, tell him I love him, and kiss him on the cheek. And then walk away. And maybe I’ll make him a tea, too. He always gives me the most grateful, loving look!

  • Ms Summer

    Reply Reply July 20, 2010

    This is a great post, definitely one of my favourites:) I would not find anything to add to it, it is very clear and makes a lot of sense.

  • Max Lezama

    Reply Reply July 20, 2010

    Renee, I think you are a beautiful woman. You know what a man needs and this makes you beautiful and enchanting to your man no doubt. You are willing to acknowledge that you made mistakes in the way you related to him earlier on in your relationship and you learnt from these errors. More women like you are needed in today’s world and everyone would benefit. Thank you.

  • Iván

    Reply Reply July 19, 2010

    Hi Renee! I am a man, reading your articles. I have to say you got it. Its so wonderful to see how you women can really understand us and give the love you really are in the way we need.

  • T

    Reply Reply July 19, 2010

    Very detailed and insightful. I love this blog. I agree with you about blow jobs. You have to tread carefully with them. Men say women are complicated lol! I think we are all pretty tough to work out. Thanks renee. i always love your articles.

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