How Men and Women Destroy Each Other – Selfish Love
Deep down we all want something that fulfills us. A relationship that makes us grow and feel alive. Even the ‘players’ will get to a point in time where they want something deeper. A more fulfilling connection. Unfortunately, this is unattainable over the long-term for most men and women. Why? One big reason is that most men AND women manage to destroy or hurt each other in relationship eventually through selfish love – which in turn causes either spouse to disown their feminine or masculine essence.
Once the initial attraction changes (it doesn’t always go away it can be saved: for more information please see our program Attraction Control) and the responsibilities of life take precedent, we tend to get short with our spouse.
And it’s not only this – sometimes despite how hard we think we ‘try’ in relationships, we tend to jeopardize the health of not only our relationship – but our spouse as well, through selfish love. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)
I’ll get to it – but I want to give a bit of background information, so just bear with me.
Our masculine world
We live in a masculine world. This is something I will delve in to deeply at a later stage but let me explain briefly. And when you read, please keep in mind that we ALL have masculine and feminine energy inside of us. None of this is meant to exclude same-sex relationships. Masculine and feminine are powerful energies that when put to use, has the power to create enormous passion and attraction in your relationship.
When you take a moment to have a look around at your surroundings, the corporate world, universities, families, and just society in general – you will see that something interesting has happened:
We have unfortunately placed a much higher price on the masculine, and reward the masculine much more than we do the feminine. Think about the occupations that require well-developed masculine energy (Law, engineering, CEO, any kind of masculine sporting occupation – you name it). Men and women alike in these occupations are rewarded much more financially than they are in the more feminine roles.
The feminine energy has a powerful gift: the ability to nurture, love, have deep compassion and empathy (remember that the feminine exists in both men AND women). As such, nurses, primary school teachers, nannies, etc are generally paid a lot less than the masculine occupations.
But let’s not even think about the monetary rewards for a moment. Think about the prestige associated with such occupations. When I finished my last year of school (several years ago now), I went on to Law school as you may already know – because through all the conditioning throughout my life, I was lead to think that I wouldn’t be received, respected or loved as much if I didn’t pursue some high-end, prestigious occupation or “career”.
So that’s what I did. And by my second year in Law School, I was on the bar instructing for barristers. Then all of a sudden, my mum and her best friend one day told me in conversation that I’d make a much better nanny and primary school teacher than I would a lawyer (I was a casual nanny for 6 years whilst I was in Law school by the way).
And I said, ‘a NANNY?!!!’ A ‘primary school teacher??!!!’ First you tell me how awesome it is to be a lawyer or a doctor, or some corporate executive, and then 2 years in to my degree you tell me it’s not in my nature?!!
I was offended. Yes, I was actually offended. I was offended that someone could possibly tell me I’d make a good nanny or primary school teacher over a lawyer. Because, really, who was going to RESPECT me if I didn’t end up becoming a lawyer or something?!! How would I LIVE with myself?!!
Thankfully, I woke up.
But I was brought up in a school and environment where you had to make ‘something’ of yourself and make a lot of money. And be ‘important’. Unfortunately, for some reason social ‘importance’ and ‘prestige’ has been directly connected to the masculine. And the highest monetary rewards were connected to the more masculine occupations.(Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)
And the amount of money you ‘make’ has in turn, been connected to prestige.
That’s not to say that people in nurturing roles requiring well-developed feminine energy are unimportant (by no means would I ever think that!), but it’s there to make the point that this tendency has caused not only women to reject the truly feminine in themselves – but our masculine world is also one thing that has caused men and their peers to be rather chauvinistic – expecting that women should rationalize things the way men do.
And even in this day and age, men and their peers often have the chauvinistic bias that leads them to think that women depend on them for a sense of identity, as well as social, emotional and physical validation. You may have heard men talk, and observed the chauvinistic bias in action – for example, men often encourage one another to think that if he commits to a woman – then he is no longer a real man. That women are ‘needy’ and cause a man’s whole life to crash and burn.
I can understand why women have divorced their feminine. It just hasn’t been rewarded as much as the masculine. Women have been heavily encouraged to have a well-developed masculine energy – and in many ways, the feminine energy has been made wrong (even though exposing our physical feminine ‘parts’ is now the norm, and is considered OK. But that is a ridiculously superficial and futile way to express your femininity).
Feminine energy and social taboo
The feminine energy goes with the flow of life, and responds a lot to the energy and emotion in the moment. This includes many emotional extremes – from anger, even momentary hatred or bitchiness and resentment to incredible love – all emotions expressed in a feminine woman are incredibly powerful (both potentially in either a good or a bad way).
Yet if a woman’s emotion is not embraced – she can become less radiant and more of a ‘bitch’ as it is all internalized. It’s like suppressing the masculine need for conquering, or sex (not that women don’t love sex, too)
However, in much of society, but especially in the workplace, in college and in universities and schools around the world – if you express deep emotion, it can often mean people will think you’re weird, or ‘out-of-control’. But Thank GOD for the fearlessly feminine women, who don’t make emotion wrong for themselves or for others. You are an inspiration to all women.
Misunderstanding of the Feminine
When you were growing up, did you have boys around you who made fun of your sensitivities? And if you tried to play a bit rough along with the boys and got a little hurt, there was an unsaid expectation for you to get up and have everything be ok? And to top it all off, they’d poke fun at your “emotions” and “weakness”?
I did! Unfortunately as a child (and for a significant portion of adulthood), I wasn’t aware enough yet to understand that emotion, that incredible capacity to feel, care and love that women are endowed with, was such a gift. And in fact, if men or boys make fun of it, it’s mostly not because they don’t like it. It’s just that they aren’t conditioned the same way as you are, and don’t know how to handle it.
Many men feel threatened by the emotional intensity of the feminine energy. And by Her almost superior capacity for compassion, love, sympathy, and her ability to respond to other people’s plight or happiness.
And they don’t understand this emotional world as well as women do.
Selfish love and Men making a woman’s emotions wrong
What happens to a lot of women though, is that they want more connection, they may want more depth and love, and cannot understand why a man seems so ‘stern’ all the time, and perhaps even ‘insensitive’ towards her needs.
SHE cannot understand her man’s tendency to withdraw, and HE cannot understand her complex emotional world. (read my article about why men withdraw)
How men destroy women
What a lot of men do (especially in their social circles), is call women crazy, needy, or dependent because of this emotional world women seem to live in. Quite often, even in the later stages of a relationship, when a couple is out of the dating period, a man will still brush off the woman’s emotions as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’ and call her a crazy bitch, or conclude that she’s insane.
And in their social circles, for some men, they are pushed along further in to this perception by their buddies. Some men, in their peer groups, perpetuate myths and misunderstanding of women. Thankfully, we now have sites like The Art of Manliness; to initiate some sense of responsibility in men, to appreciate and take care of their woman and so that men could hold each other to a higher standard.
Rational versus emotional
Some men often also subject the emotional world of the feminine to enormous ridicule. They marginalize a female’s emotional world, and refuse to understand. They won’t embrace a woman’s ocean of emotion. They may classify what is a genuine emotional concern or upset to be a woman being ‘clingy’. In other words, they approach relationships in a selfish way. This is called selfish love.
“Why is she so IRRATIONAL??!!!” “She’s f****** insane!!”
Just because a woman doesn’t always rationalize things the way men do, doesn’t mean she’s insane. Men also cut off the possibility of deeper, closer and further connection with their woman by making this closed statement. By exclaiming she’s insane, they are shutting down possibility for understanding. For freedom.
In actual fact, most women just want to be more secure in a man’s love in this situation. When a man misunderstands and makes a woman’s natural feminine essence wrong, he alienates her from him, and the woman goes inward, and this often leads to self-destruction of some sort for the woman.
Success in relationship
Success and happiness in relationships really comes down to understanding that the feminine and the masculine are different. If you don’t understand, you won’t be happy. You won’t get what you want. But it’s really not just that simple.
Often both men and women subconsciously and unknowingly, happen to expect that their spouse see, and react to things in the way that they would. And before you conclude that you DON’T do this – you most likely do, without even knowing it. We all do it sometimes.
Unless you’re in a modern-day ‘give-and-take’ type relationship, where deep fulfillment is not a goal and each partner just wants something OUT of the other person, you can NEVER expect your man to see and do things the same way that you do. Not going to happen.
In these types of relationships – the energy is more neutral – and the feminine and masculine energy reaches a 50/50 level – and is interchanged. But in the case of most women, they’ll have a majority of feminine energy in them, and in men, a majority of masculine energy. And this is a good thing, because most of us would not prefer an asexual partner. We want a partner that either presents as more masculine or more feminine.
This is how attraction and polarity are created. Opposite energies spark passion, fascination and attraction.
How women destroy men
Aside from the fact that devoted Feminists tend to make men feel misunderstood by not needing men (‘realistically’, a woman can live without a man – but it’s more about growing together in a fulfilling and passionate relationship), women in general also destroy men by concluding that ‘all men want is sex’. Or all men cheat. (read my article about the right time to sleep with men)
Concluding that men just want sex is to show ignorance and a lack of understanding of men.
They misunderstand this: that yes, men may have higher levels of testosterone, they may be more focused on sex – BUT it’s not for the sake of sex only. (Even many players are looking for sex with many women for some form of self-validation, to feel good about themselves and feel more like a man). That being said, there are different kinds of players.
Most men I speak to DO want a fulfilling relationship with just one woman – but this woman needs to understand his sexual needs. And also understand that a man wants fulfillment from a woman in so many other ways other than through sex.
Too many women resent a man’s need for sex, and worse still – they fear it. There are many men who DO disrespectfully impose their sexual desire upon attractive women, and women hate this. This is selfish on the man’s part – but what men are REALLY looking for is that feeling of adventure, excitement, passion and ALIVENESS with a woman.
To re-cap – what I am saying here is that in order to take your relationship to the next level – no matter how happy or unhappy you are – you need to focus on shifting your psychology.
Conscious consideration and selfless love
A man who rejects his woman’s feminine sexual essence causes her to shut down and lock him out. If her feminine essence is not embraced, this can lead to self-destruction, and if a woman rejects her man’s masculine needs or tears it down with her own fearful dominance – will destroy his virility.
As humans, it is intuitive for us to fall in to a trap of just thinking for ourselves, but if we regularly keep ourselves in check and just consciously and lovingly place ourselves in the position of our lover – and REALLY see it from their perspective, and create a sense of unconditional understanding (WITHOUT questions and rebuttals) – complete unconditional understanding – we then will find it in us to finally be free to have the relationship we truly desire.
And if you ARE already very happy – there’s always more
Often, when I am confused by my man’s actions and needs, I remind myself to truly and liberally place myself in his shoes momentarily. The freedom and empowerment it gives is priceless. If I can feel within myself what life might be like for him – and remind myself that if I do want the ultimate relationship then it’s my commitment, and my responsibility to give him this unconditional understanding. Without question. Without imposing your own life experiences on him, and letting my thoughts and attitudes getting in the way.
The key for a woman is to just accept that her man will want deep connection, fulfillment, sex, and that doesn’t have to mean PAIN for a woman. For, if you do want a fulfilling relationship – don’t make your man’s needs – whether sexual or not – wrong.
If you cannot accept him as a man, if you cannot find the courage in yourself to see life from your man’s perspective, then you should not be in a relationship until you are willing and ready to embrace your differences, and to give beyond yourself (and the same goes to him, ladies, to understand you as a woman – no lasting passion and love can be sustained by just one spouse).
I’ll give you a quick example of how one may be acting out of selfish love:
There was a study done and article written about hormone treatment for women. Women were given the typical male level of testosterone. What happened then is that the women reported that when they were given this dosage, they felt very aggressive and out of control of their sexual desires.
What does this mean to a woman? For lots of women, this statement might trigger some sort of fear inside them. The thought that leads to ‘yeah well that explains their obsession with sex’. But this is still a woman imposing her own misunderstandings on the male.
The key is to embrace, and choose, understanding.
Just like some men are threatened by their woman’s emotional superiority – women are often threatened by a man’s need for release and feel they can’t handle it. Liberally. And with openness.
Fulfilling sexual needs without sex
By the way – you don’t even have to give a man sex to fulfill his ‘sexual’ needs. Have you seen the movie ‘Vanilla Sky’ with Tom Cruise, the lovely Penelope Cruz and Cameron Diaz? If you have seen it, you may remember that Cameron Diaz was a casual fling for Tom Cruise (named David in the film) – yet Penelope Cruz was his FASCINATION. And, he didn’t sleep with her instantly, or even very soon - he didn’t want to rush in to sex with her.
But you can bet they flirted. You can bet there was plenty of an exchange of masculine and feminine energy in that relationship even without sex.
I’m going to go in to detail about how to fulfill a man’s sexual needs without giving him sex soon in a future post.
Now, if you want to gain better understanding of men, click here to get to enroll to our popular program Understanding Men.
What did you think of this article? Do you think your man has given you more ‘selfish love’? Do you find yourself operating out of selfish love? Do you think people misunderstand the sexes?