How Men and Women Destroy Each Other

How Men and Women Destroy Each Other

How Men and Women Destroy Each Other – Selfish Love

Deep down we all want something that fulfills us. A relationship that makes us grow and feel alive. Even the ‘players’ will get to a point in time where they want something deeper. A more fulfilling connection. Unfortunately, this is unattainable over the long-term for most men and women. Why? One big reason is that most men AND women manage to destroy or hurt each other in relationship eventually through selfish love – which in turn causes either spouse to disown their feminine or masculine essence.

Once the initial attraction changes (it doesn’t always go away it can be saved: for more information please see our pre-launch material at Attraction Control) and the responsibilities of life take precedent, we tend to get short with our spouse.

And it’s not only this – sometimes despite how hard we think we ‘try’ in relationships, we tend to jeopardize the health of not only our relationship – but our spouse as well, through selfish love.

I’ll get to it – but I want to give a bit of background information, so just bear with me. :)

Our masculine world

We live in a masculine world. This is something I will delve in to deeply at a later stage but let me explain briefly. And when you read, please keep in mind that we ALL have masculine and feminine energy inside of us. None of this is meant to exclude same-sex relationships. Masculine and feminine are powerful energies that when put to use, has the power to create enormous passion and attraction in your relationship.

When you take a moment to have a look around at your surroundings, the corporate world, universities, families, and just society in general – you will see that something interesting has happened:

We have unfortunately placed a much higher price on the masculine, and reward the masculine much more than we do the feminine. Think about the occupations that require well-developed masculine energy (Law, engineering, CEO, any kind of masculine sporting occupation – you name it). Men and women alike in these occupations are rewarded much more financially than they are in the more feminine roles.

The feminine energy has a powerful gift: the ability to nurture, love, have deep compassion and empathy (remember that the feminine exists in both men AND women). As such, nurses, primary school teachers, nannies, etc are generally paid a lot less than the masculine occupations.

But let’s not even think about the monetary rewards for a moment. Think about the prestige associated with such occupations. When I finished my last year of school (several years ago now), I went on to Law school as you may already know – because through all the conditioning throughout my life, I was lead to think that I wouldn’t be received, respected or loved as much if I didn’t pursue some high-end, prestigious occupation or “career”.

So that’s what I did. And by my second year in Law School, I was on the bar instructing for barristers. Then all of a sudden, my mum and her best friend one day told me in conversation that I’d make a much better nanny and primary school teacher than I would a lawyer (I was a casual nanny for 6 years whilst I was in Law school by the way).

And I said, ‘a NANNY?!!!’ A ‘primary school teacher??!!!’ First you tell me how awesome it is to be a lawyer or a doctor, or some corporate executive, and then 2 years in to my degree you tell me it’s not in my nature?!!

I was offended. Yes, I was actually offended. I was offended that someone could possibly tell me I’d make a good nanny or primary school teacher over a lawyer. Because, really, who was going to RESPECT me if I didn’t end up becoming a lawyer or something?!! How would I LIVE with myself?!!

Thankfully, I woke up.

But I was brought up in a school and environment where you had to make ‘something’ of yourself and make a lot of money. And be ‘important’. Unfortunately, for some reason social ‘importance’ and ‘prestige’ has been directly connected to the masculine. And the highest monetary rewards were connected to the more masculine occupations.

And the amount of money you ‘make’ has in turn, been connected to prestige.

That’s not to say that people in nurturing roles requiring well-developed feminine energy are unimportant (by no means would I ever think that!), but it’s there to make the point that this tendency has caused not only women to reject the truly feminine in themselves – but our masculine world is also one thing that has caused men and their peers to be rather chauvinistic – expecting that women should rationalize things the way men do.

Chauvinism

And even in this day and age, men and their peers often have the chauvinistic bias that leads them to think that women depend on them for a sense of identity, as well as social, emotional and physical validation. You may have heard men talk, and observed the chauvinistic bias in action – for example, men often encourage one another to think that if he commits to a woman – then he is no longer a real man. That women are ‘needy’ and cause a man’s whole life to crash and burn.

I can understand why women have divorced their feminine. It just hasn’t been rewarded as much as the masculine. Women have been heavily encouraged to have a well-developed masculine energy – and in many ways, the feminine energy has been made wrong (even though exposing our physical feminine ‘parts’ is now the norm, and is considered OK. But that is a ridiculously superficial and futile way to express your femininity).

Feminine energy and social taboo

The feminine energy goes with the flow of life, and responds a lot to the energy and emotion in the moment. This includes many emotional extremes – from anger, even momentary hatred or bitchiness and resentment to incredible love – all emotions expressed in a feminine woman are incredibly powerful (both potentially in either a good or a bad way).

Yet if a woman’s emotion is not embraced – she can become less radiant and more of a ‘bitch’ as it is all internalized. It’s like suppressing the masculine need for conquering, or sex (not that women don’t love sex, too) ;)

However, in much of society, but especially in the workplace, in college and in universities and schools around the world – if you express deep emotion, it can often mean people will think you’re weird, or ‘out-of-control’. But Thank GOD for the fearlessly feminine women, who don’t make emotion wrong for themselves or for others. You are an inspiration to all women.

Misunderstanding of the Feminine

When you were growing up, did you have boys around you who made fun of your sensitivities? And if you tried to play a bit rough along with the boys and got a little hurt, there was an unsaid expectation for you to get up and have everything be ok? And to top it all off, they’d poke fun at your “emotions” and “weakness”?

I did! Unfortunately as a child (and for a significant portion of adulthood), I wasn’t aware enough yet to understand that emotion, that incredible capacity to feel, care and love that women are endowed with, was such a gift. And in fact, if men or boys make fun of it, it’s mostly not because they don’t like it. It’s just that they aren’t conditioned the same way as you are, and don’t know how to handle it.

Many men feel threatened by the emotional intensity of the feminine energy. And by Her almost superior capacity for compassion, love, sympathy, and her ability to respond to other people’s plight or happiness.

And they don’t understand this emotional world as well as women do.

Selfish love and Men making a woman’s emotions wrong

What happens to a lot of women though, is that they want more connection, they may want more depth and love, and cannot understand why a man seems so ‘stern’ all the time, and perhaps even ‘insensitive’ towards her needs.

SHE cannot understand her man’s tendency to withdraw, and HE cannot understand her complex emotional world. (read my article about why men withdraw)

How men destroy women

What a lot of men do (especially in their social circles), is call women crazy, needy, or dependent because of this emotional world women seem to live in. Quite often, even in the later stages of a relationship, when a couple is out of the dating period, a man will still brush off the woman’s emotions as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’ and call her a crazy bitch, or conclude that she’s insane.

And in their social circles, for some men, they are pushed along further in to this perception by their buddies.  Some men, in their peer groups, perpetuate myths and misunderstanding of women. Thankfully, we now have sites like The Art of Manliness; to initiate some sense of responsibility in men, to appreciate and take care of their woman and so that men could hold each other to a higher standard.

Rational versus emotional

Some men often also subject the emotional world of the feminine to enormous ridicule. They marginalize a female’s emotional world, and refuse to understand. They won’t embrace a woman’s ocean of emotion. They may classify what is a genuine emotional concern or upset to be a woman being ‘clingy’. In other words, they approach relationships in a selfish way. This is called selfish love.

“Why is she so IRRATIONAL??!!!”  “She’s f****** insane!!”

Just because a woman doesn’t always rationalize things the way men do, doesn’t mean she’s insane. Men also cut off the possibility of deeper, closer and further connection with their woman by making this closed statement. By exclaiming she’s insane, they are shutting down possibility for understanding. For freedom.

In actual fact, most women just want to be more secure in a man’s love in this situation. When a man misunderstands and makes a woman’s natural feminine essence wrong, he alienates her from him, and the woman goes inward, and this often leads to self-destruction of some sort for the woman.

Success in relationship

Success and happiness in relationships really comes down to understanding that the feminine and the masculine are different. If you don’t understand, you won’t be happy. You won’t get what you want. But it’s really not just that simple.

Often both men and women subconsciously and unknowingly, happen to expect that their spouse see, and react to things in the way that they would. And before you conclude that you DON’T do this – you most likely do, without even knowing it. We all do it sometimes.

Unless you’re in a modern-day ‘give-and-take’ type relationship, where deep fulfillment is not a goal and each partner just wants something OUT of the other person, you can NEVER expect your man to see and do things the same way that you do. Not going to happen.

In these types of relationships – the energy is more neutral – and the feminine and masculine energy reaches a 50/50 level – and is interchanged. But in the case of most women, they’ll have a majority of feminine energy in them, and in men, a majority of masculine energy. And this is a good thing, because most of us would not prefer an asexual partner. We want a partner that either presents as more masculine or more feminine.

This is how attraction and polarity are created. Opposite energies spark passion, fascination and attraction.

How women destroy men

Aside from the fact that devoted Feminists tend to make men feel misunderstood by not needing men (‘realistically’, a woman can live without a man – but it’s more about growing together in a fulfilling and passionate relationship), women in general also destroy men by concluding that ‘all men want is sex’. Or all men cheat. (read my article about the right time to sleep with men)

Concluding that men just want sex is to show ignorance and a lack of understanding of men.

They misunderstand this: that yes, men may have higher levels of testosterone, they may be more focused on sex – BUT it’s not for the sake of sex only. (Even many players are looking for sex with many women for some form of self-validation, to feel good about themselves and feel more like a man). That being said, there are different kinds of players.

Most men I speak to DO want a fulfilling relationship with just one woman – but this woman needs to understand his sexual needs. And also understand that a man wants fulfillment from a woman in so many other ways other than through sex.

Too many women resent a man’s need for sex, and worse still – they fear it. There are many men who DO disrespectfully impose their sexual desire upon attractive women, and women hate this. This is selfish on the man’s part – but what men are REALLY looking for is that feeling of adventure, excitement, passion and ALIVENESS with a woman.

To re-cap – what I am saying here is that in order to take your relationship to the next level – no matter how happy or unhappy you are – you need to focus on shifting your psychology.

Conscious consideration and selfless love

A man who rejects his woman’s feminine sexual essence causes her to shut down and lock him out. If her feminine essence is not embraced, this can lead to self-destruction, and if a woman rejects her man’s masculine needs or tears it down with her own fearful dominance – will destroy his virility.

As humans, it is intuitive for us to fall in to a trap of just thinking for ourselves, but if we regularly keep ourselves in check and just consciously and lovingly place ourselves in the position of our lover – and REALLY see it from their perspective, and create a sense of unconditional understanding (WITHOUT questions and rebuttals) – complete unconditional understanding – we then will find it in us to finally be free to have the relationship we truly desire.

And if you ARE already very happy – there’s always more.

Often, when I am confused by my man’s actions and needs, I remind myself to truly and liberally place myself in his shoes momentarily. The freedom and empowerment it gives is priceless. If I can feel within myself what life might be like for him – and remind myself that if I do want the ultimate relationship then it’s my commitment, and my responsibility to give him this unconditional understanding. Without question. Without imposing your own life experiences on him, and letting my thoughts and attitudes getting in the way.

The key for a woman is to just accept that her man will want deep connection, fulfillment, sex, and that doesn’t have to mean PAIN for a woman. For, if you do want a fulfilling relationship – don’t make your man’s needs – whether sexual or not – wrong.

If you cannot accept him as a man, if you cannot find the courage in yourself to see life from your man’s perspective, then you should not be in a relationship until you are willing and ready to embrace your differences, and to give beyond yourself (and the same goes to him, ladies, to understand you as a woman – no lasting passion and love can be sustained by just one spouse).

Example

I’ll give you a quick example of how one may be acting out of selfish love:

There was a study done and article written about hormone treatment for women. Women were given the typical male level of testosterone. What happened then is that the women reported that when they were given this dosage, they felt very aggressive and out of control of their sexual desires.

What does this mean to a woman? For lots of women, this statement might trigger some sort of fear inside them. The thought that leads to ‘yeah well that explains their obsession with sex’. But this is still a woman imposing her own misunderstandings on the male.

The key is to embrace, and choose, understanding.

Just like some men are threatened by their woman’s emotional superiority – women are often threatened by a man’s need for release and feel they can’t handle it. Liberally. And with openness.

Fulfilling sexual needs without sex

By the way – you don’t even have to give a man sex to fulfill his ‘sexual’ needs. Have you seen the movie ‘Vanilla Sky’ with Tom Cruise, the lovely Penelope Cruz and Cameron Diaz? If you have seen it, you may remember that Cameron Diaz was a casual fling for Tom Cruise (named David in the film) – yet Penelope Cruz was his FASCINATION. And, he didn’t sleep with her instantly, or even very soon - he didn’t want to rush in to sex with her.

But you can bet they flirted. You can bet there was plenty of an exchange of masculine and feminine energy in that relationship even without sex.

I’m going to go in to detail about how to fulfill a man’s sexual needs without giving him sex soon in a future post. :)

What did you think of this article? Do you think your man has given you more ‘selfish love’? Do you find yourself operating out of selfish love? Do you think people misunderstand the sexes?

Renee the feminine woman

17 Comments

  • Joan

    Reply Reply March 15, 2014

    I am happy to embrace his masculine energy. And I applaud those fearlessly feminine women in our society.

    How do I become fearlessly feminine when I’m feel like I am being coaxed to be more 50/50 in my masculine and feminine energy by men and women I know.

    Starting with my mother which many people have told me she is very masculine. Even though I was brought up by her, I still felt the need to do my nails and hair and be a girl. And she made fun of my behaviour as feminine. Well, the immense pressure started at an early age.

    I don’t care what the rest of the world is doing really but lately my fella wants me to be like the other women now. The other night he said I was useless, and I am having trouble. I do almost everything from a feminine energy that is my true authentic self.

    So does anyone know how to become fearlessly feminine? I am starting to feel useless but I know for sure that I’m not.

    • Joan

      Reply Reply March 15, 2014

      Ok, I reread another part here that said to put myself in his shoes. Now I realize that he feels the pressure for me to be more balanced. There is no way in hell I’m going to succumb to this. I appreciate masculine women but I am not one of them.

  • Anais

    Reply Reply November 26, 2013

    Hi Renee,

    There is a lot of truth to what you have written but a woman who finds the balance of masculine and feminine energy within herself has the world in her hands. I have female doctors and lawyers in my family who are married with children. One of them had wanted to be a doctor ever since she was 7 or so, medicine is her passion. They’re in their masculine place at work but turn on the feminine when at home with their kids and husband. Because all women have both masculine and feminine energy, even if they are more feminine at their core. I feel it’s more about knowing when to call up on the energy.

    As you said because our society is so masculine, many women forget about their feminine side. Still, it’s possible to be a doctor/lawyer and retain feminine energy. And I think that’s what makes us such wonderful creatures, we are so multidimensional! Also it is feminism that made it easier for women to do pursue an education, so I appreciate that. But I feel we should take these opportunities to further advance our careers (if we decide to), while not giving up our femininity.

    At the same time, I agree with your point behind your putting law school aside. I was also encouraged to make a good living for myself so I felt pressured to be something like an attorney. I’ve been in the legal field but realized an attorney isn’t my heart. My passion lies in providing information to people to help them, so I’m in the library and information services field in the legal sector.

    I ended up doing a masters in a field that is more traditionally feminine but does have good financial opportunities. Also, when I realized my worth isn’t in my education only, I came to the conclusion I felt happy with the advancement of my career as is, and there was no point in me getting a second masters. It wasn’t going to do anything for what I want for myself as a woman, nor my career and passion

  • Chocolateeyes786

    Reply Reply March 4, 2011

    A very eye opening article, but I feel disappointed that I came to it so late. Attraction control is closed. :’(

    • Renee

      Reply Reply March 4, 2011

      Hello Chocolate Eyes! Thanks :)
      We will be launching Attraction Control 2.0. Later this year.
      Thank You for your lovely comments!
      Renee.
      -XxX-

      • Chocolateeyes786

        Reply Reply March 4, 2011

        *Claps Hands* Wonderful News, thank you! :)

  • Susan Blackburn

    Reply Reply February 15, 2011

    Hi Renee,

    Thank you for your excellent article! I also write about masculine and feminine energies and the need for understanding and respect of the differences in building strong lasting relationships. My approach however sees the man as the head of the household and the woman as the heart of the household. The head always willingly follows a ‘graceful’ heart, but in order for this to happen, women really need to own and embrace their feminine power. This leadership then has the ability to heal the masculine energy’s tendencies to misunderstand or downplay the feminine. In this way the feminine energy respects the masculine and inspires through appreciating, respecting and trusting him to love her best by cherishing, desiring and making her his number one priority. In this way the feminine energy nurtures both roles for the equality of all. I would be very interested in your perspective on this.

    Warmly,
    Susan

  • Mike

    Reply Reply January 3, 2011

    There is a lot of truth in what you have written. However, I wiuld like to add that the male dominated society – and all of its manifestations, is much more prevalent in the USA that here in Great Britain.
    Finally, anyone who is seriously interested in improving their relationship with a member of the opposite sex should read “Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Venus”. A truly enlightening book. I have no business nor economical relationship with that book, its publisher not its authors: it is simply an honest recommendation.

  • Eve

    Reply Reply December 13, 2010

    “I’m going to go in to detail about how to fulfill a man’s sexual needs without giving him sex soon in a future post.”

    Hi – Which post was it?

  • BrownEyedBeauty

    Reply Reply August 19, 2010

    Jennifer is right!

    My husband considers himself “rational”, while I’m “emotional”.

    But as you stated, Renee, it is sad when people dismiss this feminine trait.

    Yes, I am emotional. I’m sensitive. I care about others. But my husband doesn’t see it that way.

    He believes that I’m “illogical”. Yet, he can be quite sensitive sometimes. I’ve seen him cry silently at the movies. ;)

    I feel that he is a workaholic who avoids displays of emotion because he doesn’t want to be labeled “weak” or “effeminate”.

    I wish he understood that I’m not a weak person. I have LOTS of inner strength. I’ve survived a lot in my life. Being emotional, an essentially feminine trait, is not a weakness…nor does it mean that I cannot be logical and rational.

  • Renee

    Reply Reply June 12, 2010

    @P: Thank You very much for your well wishes.

    @Amanda: Thank You, Thank You, I really appreciate your kind words.

    @Oli: Thanks again! :)

    @Jennifer: Very true. In today’s world, one of the hardest things for a woman to do, is to keep her femininity alive. Thanks for your insightful input.

  • Jennifer

    Reply Reply June 9, 2010

    what a great article! This really explains things so well. A few years ago I made the conscious decision to avoid the ‘masculine’ aspects of the world which were imposed upon me at work and in life’s underlying expectations actually. I also actively avoid males who see the feminine as a negative thing. It has restored my feminine nature but it actually requires that I turn away from certain things to preserve myself. I see women allowing themselves to get caught up in the masculine world and I just hope they wake up one day and reclaim their feminity. In today’s world it is more of a challenge to keep the feminine aspects active.

  • oli

    Reply Reply June 9, 2010

    Wonderful article. I have been getting more and more in touch with my feminine self over the past years. I try as much as possible to enjoy and embrace my feminitity in every way possible… So proud to be a woman.

    Thanks, Renee yet again for very insightful material.

  • Amanda

    Reply Reply June 8, 2010

    I think it’s important for women to realize that sex isn’t always simply about release for men. Apparently sex is to men what conversation is to women. Lol it’s so true. Sometimes (not always) women are like, “sex again?!” and men are like “she wants to talk, again?!” hahaha at least for me I’ve totally found it true.
    Turning down a man for wanting sex actually hurts his feelings, though he most likely won’t tell you. Just like his not wanting to talk can hurt our feelings.
    I have found that the more I put energy into having a fun, exciting sex life with my husband, the more I find him wanting to talk to me. It’s been nice, and super fun!!
    *and just a side note….it’s not like you can’t ever turn him down, my main point is that it’s actually tied to emotion more than I think most women (including myself) realize.
    LOVE LOVE LOVE this site. It has started a change in not only me but my realtionships with other people. I love coming into myself and being a woman!! Thank you so much :)

  • Masaleen

    Reply Reply June 8, 2010

    “…the women reported that when they were given this dosage, they felt very aggressive and out of control of their sexual desires.” Wow, we really have to have more compassion and understanding toward men. To think we judge them so harshly, but they have to discipline themselves so much. And how hard it must be for a good man married to a wife who hardly ever wants to have sex with him.

    • St Jean Smyth

      Reply Reply November 14, 2012

      Ya, it’s tough some days having a sex drive, and getting turned down frequently. I’m definitely easier to live with when there has been some sexual action in my life. When the priorities don’t include sex in a marriage, the end is in sight.

  • P

    Reply Reply June 7, 2010

    Hello Renee! i like this post :)
    the act of sex is just suggestive …

    sorry i have been so tired and busy!
    but i have been reading …

    take care :)

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