How To Overcome Jealousy in Your Relationship

How To Overcome Jealousy in Your Relationship

Firstly, I’d like to say that jealousy is neither a good nor bad emotion to have. It’s how you use it. How to deal with jealousy is a common question I get via my contact page.

I’ve had several requests to approach this problem in an article, and I’ve always waited and put it off, as it’s a difficult topic to handle. I have decided to finally break it down and give my thoughts on what works best. So I apologize to those lovely ladies who have been waiting a while for this subject to be dealt with.

Is jealousy bad?

Jealousy as an emotion itself is not bad at all. It’s how you express your jealousy (or lack of expression of jealousy) that can be bad. But overall, jealousy can be a powerfully useful emotion. It can get you so uncomfortable that you have to make a change in your life. That’s if you value Growth. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)


And I want to say that one of the biggest problems in relationships is that women get angry and cause arguments with their man over their jealousy, because they don’t want to admit that they have jealousy to their man in the first place. They don’t even want to admit it to themselves.  They want their man to think they’re ‘sane’, in control, ‘stable’ and not a crazy bitch or ‘insecure’.

Well, to hell with that! Crazy bitch is an integral part of femininity. Femininity creates and destroys. This is not to say that you run around with a chain saw and chop people to pieces, NO!

I mean that the flow of emotion in the feminine is so powerful that it can eliminate what it creates as well as giving birth to divine creation. It is a woman’s birthright to express both extremes. And it is a woman’s right to expect that her man will stand strong like a rock when she feels this way. (I’m not talking about treating a man badly, and expecting him to just take it (if he’s got a strong masculine, he won’t anyway, he’ll just leave! – I mean the element of irrationality, spontaneity, and craziness that the feminine embodies).

A lot of men and women make this crazy emotional thing wrong. So women suppress it, and go inward. This is like never flushing the toilet. At some point, the smell is going to get so bad, you’ll have to flush the toilet.

Jealousy and true care

Jealousy isn’t something a feminine woman should be condemned for. Especially when it comes to your intimate relationship. Why? Because jealousy means you care. It means you care about and love your man. (read my article how most women reject their femininity)

But I am not saying that it’s natural for you to get insanely jealous when your man so much as talks to another woman, or smiles at another woman. No. I’m saying that when you feel jealous – USE it. It’s a powerful emotion that, when used properly, has the power to take your relationship (and life) to a higher level.

Eu-Jealousy. Good jealousy.

Let’s just have an open relationship, shall we?

The reason I say this is because increasingly, I come across couples who are settling for open relationships, settling for letting their partner “be free” (free in a bad way) to do what they want regardless, to try to eliminate and bottle up feelings of jealousy and ‘possessiveness’.

Or they settle for an open relationship to ‘get the best of both worlds’. “But what IS both worlds?!” And people are, unfortunately, becoming more and more in to the idea of “independence” in their intimate relationship. The kind of independence that leads to each partner being there only when its convenient. (read my article about do women need multiple men)

The kind of ‘independence’ and carefree attitude that leads men to have the attitude of (this is in my man’s words, so please forgive the bad language): “my dick is your dick”. A sure-fire way to destroy true masculinity (and big suppressor of said masculinity).

Ownership and feminine energy

The kind of independence I’m talking about is born out of the belief that you cannot ‘own’ someone. Bollocks. You CAN own someone. And not in the way you think. It takes an extraordinary person to own their partner. Please think about this. This idea of independence is another destroyer of feminine energy.

Deep down, every woman with a feminine sexual essence wants to be owned. Don’t believe me? Would you prefer that your husband/boyfriend didn’t mind if other men were hitting on you? Would you prefer that he let you do whatever you wish, where you wish, in whatever way you wish without caring enough to ask you about what you’re doing?

Would you prefer that your man was so ‘respectful’ of your boundaries and independence that when you were making love, he was afraid to express his deepest desire for you? Would you prefer that he valued ‘independence’ so much that he never called you (even if you were out past the time you said you would be) for fear of sabotaging or interrupting your ‘independent’ time?

Or would you prefer a man who is not afraid to express what he wants, not afraid to express that he wants you to himself so much that he does feel possessive of you, and somewhat territorial (but NOT controlling, abusive or tyrannical. There’s a difference).

Masculinity isn’t real or in full expression until a man shows his passion. And doesn’t make that passion and desire wrong. Could you truly respect him if he rejected his own true feelings for fear of upsetting you? Or sabotaging your ‘independence’?

More on independence…

I don’t believe in independence. A least not in the conventional sense. In fact, I think it kills depth, passion, intimacy, and defeats the very purpose of being together with somebody in the first place. There are times in which independence can be a good thing.

For example. A lot of couples stay together for safety, for fear of being alone, for fear of losing resources, for fear of losing love, for fear of having to grow, etc. In such a case, dependence is the problem. And at this extreme, dependence can also kill passion. So, as usual, we have to find a balance between the two extremes.

Independence is good when you consider independence to be that you are both confident, whole human beings who don’t rely on each other for self-validation, for sex, for certainty, for whatever – but rather, are together because you WANT to be and CHOOSE to be because you want to give your feminine and masculine gifts to one another. You want to love the other person, without qualifications, limitations, or excuses.

So where does jealousy come from?

Well, that’s a good question if I do say so myself. I believe it comes from a fear of losing love. A fear of abandonment, a fear of fear itself. A fear of not being enough. A fear that another women has something we don’t. A fear that another woman is more beautiful than us. A fear that another woman can provide her man with something that we cannot. (read my article about how to deal with jealous women)

Often, these fears can leave a woman boiling with rage – probably to the point of extreme self-destruction (and hence destroying all femininity because she is unsure of how to deal with it, and also makes the emotion wrong). Most women think that because another woman is more beautiful, they cannot measure up, or compare.

Every feminine woman is right in worrying about this. This is our gift to the world and most importantly – to our man. It is our most precious gift – BEAUTY. Not just physical. If we feel that we cannot provide this, of course we’re going to be unhappy! No woman who is feminine at her core is going to be fulfilled if she is not giving her true gift.

The traditional way of dealing with jealousy

When I was growing up, everybody dealt with the issue of jealousy by saying “you can’t own someone, YA KNOWWW”. “Ya CAIN’T own a human being”. “Y’all can own a DOG but y’all can’t own a HUMAN’! “Mkaaaaay?!!”

No. Not ok.

That’s like saying you’ll never achieve the success you want in your life because of all the independent variables that you have no control over in your life. True – there are things you can’t control – but there are things you CAN control (such as your own personal power and whether you choose to use it or not).

And so to the above advice I mindlessly nodded my head and did my best to employ this strategy. Even though I am a woman, I could never help but feel that there was a part of me who wanted to own my man, and have him to myself. Not in the way a man would own a woman, but I wanted to be so close-knit (not dependent!) with my man that nothing could break us apart. That consistent feeling of being in love to the exclusion of others.

To this day, I still find it to be true in my own life that you can give a man full freedom whilst owning him. No woman should ever restrict a man. Restrict a man’s freedom and your relationship is as good as gone.

After time, and many lengthy conversations with girlfriends, I realized that that was it: I think a lot of us want that kind of relationship where you are both so intertwined (but not dependent), so in love, so passionate about one another, that you couldn’t fear another woman coming in to your man’s life.

Overcoming jealousy for GOOD

And, here’s the truth: you can have that. And your jealousy can take you there.

Here’s how to say buh-bye to jealousy. There’s only one way.

Own him. KNOW that no other woman could love this man as much as YOU can. Care so much, and fulfill him so much that there’s no way another woman could threaten your position. Don’t shy away from the jealousy. Use it.

Own his masculinity. Understand it and nurture Him in a way no other woman could.

Thank jealousy for being there, and giving you a signal that you need to give more heart and soul. EU-jealousy. It’s not about thinking you’re superior to all other women out there. It’s about loving so much that it hurts. And giving so much that there’s no way any other woman could “take something away from you” – ‘What you give you get to keep – what you fail to give – you lose forever’.

And it’s about not being afraid of your true capacity and power in a relationship. A lot of women are afraid of their power. Any woman or man has the power to own their partner. Again, I don’t mean restricting, controlling, fear-based actions. I mean adding value and thereby knowing your value. (Click here to take the quiz on “How Naturally Feminine Am I Actually?”)

Overcoming Jealousy requires an enormous amount of strength

This isn’t for the faint-hearted, however. The strength and commitment needed is probably more strength than you’ll ever need. But if you’re truly committed, you’ll do it. And if you’re not truly committed, then what are you doing in a relationship in the first place?

There’s no gray area here. You either commit. Or you leave. Don’t waste anybody’s time! Especially your own!

Another thing: don’t be afraid to openly admit your feelings. If you’re jealous, express it to him (not by trashing the house or throwing snide, critical and hateful comments at him) and tell him that you want to work on it, and that you want him to understand and support you.

And when you do the above things, when you begin to really own each other in a relationship, you’ll rarely feel any jealousy. You’ll be safe yet free, and confident in what you have, and you’ll know your value to him.

Learn more about men from our Understanding Men program, click here to get more information.

I hope you enjoyed this article. Let me know what you thought of it. Do you believe you can own someone?  What do you think of open relationships? Do you think jealousy is a bad emotion?


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  • Laura Caine

    I love the power for the positive that you give jealousy. Such a different twist that makes so much sense for an emotion I have struggled to define by old standards!

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  • Angel-Eyes

    Lol, this might explain why some men try to make their girlfriends jelouse. Maybe they are craving for feminine energy.

    I would have totally not permitted myself to show emotions of jelousy when I’ve been hurt in the past. I thought I had to go through life subconsciously believing I had to he perfect to be loved, but that’s not real life.

    Independence too, I will struggle to give that as I’ve conditioned myself through many years off experience that it’s not ok to depend on others and nobody is their to support me when I need them.

    This is excellent and advice and life truly does get better when feeling every emotion inside every part of my body.

    Connecting to my real self feels great. Even jelousy feels good because they are my passing emotions at the time so they are a part of my identity.

  • Anonymous

    Kept scrolling down the page slowly reading everyone’s life stories..and of course Renee’s article. Good article by the way. You write really well. Quite funny in your examples!

    The way I see it ..WE ALL DIE IN THE END. We are only here on earth for a short period of time and then we die. Your bf, husband, lover, ex , cheater, scumbag loser you dated and cant remember his name..we ..they..will all die . We are here to pass a test. To learn from our mistakes. I always think it’s okay to make as many mistakes as you want as long as you don’t make the same mistake twice..cuz then you really are at fault.

    You don’t like that he checked out someone in front of you ? Simple : Check out the next goodlooking guy that passes by. You think he won’t care? He will. You work differently. They ave something that women give up too easily …PRIDE. Have some pride and don’t show that you cared that he looked at someone. Let him be. He’s with you right? If you know he’s with you and only seeing you and blablabla then what are you really afraid of?

    You think he’ll leave you for the next girl he sees passing by? And then you’ll DIE cuz of that? Who is HE that he needs to matter more than YOU? What if YOU try to make HIM feel like he should be jealous for a change..I mean you are as wonderful amazing seductive sexy and worthy of attention and love as any other woman walking by on this earth. If you don’t know it then honey your problem is not just a jealousy problem but it is a YOU DONT LOVE YOURSELF PROBLEM. And not something a man can fix for ya.Gotta do it yourself.

    If you truly want him eating from your palm and literally paying attention to everything that you would want him to pay attention to…Act indifferent.Weather he’s there or not..doesn’t change much..whether he calls or not..if you lie with him and hes in your face 24/7 no need to talk 24/7 something for yourself. Do your nails. Read a book. Study. Whatever you please. But be indifferent to him. It is incredibly sexy and seductive because he won’t understand why you don’t want to know what’s going on..who he’s talking to etc and so on and so on. .

    Don’t include him in your plans for 3 days and you’ll see his crying for your 100% attention. When men love, they love better than women. Believe it or not.

    Let’s see if I can make it sound more clear..after years of reading all types of articles, books, talking to friends and seeing ..truly observing how couples seem to behave with their emotions towards one another..I really came to notice something that often people don’t want to admit or just don’t realize it quickly enough!

    Women don’t need to love. They need to feel like YOU love them. They
    don’t need to GIVE love…they need to feel like you love them more than they love you. This way in their mind it’s are suppose to be the one LOVING them . They just need to KNOW that you love them undeniably and would die for them. Women need to feel desired and appreciated…that’s what they on the other hand they need really love..

    This why I believe that men are less selfish when they truly love someone and women tend to be MORE selfish and constantly need attention and then they feel jealous..then they nag..and so on and so on..
    Men..they can just be happy with you if they love you..because that’s what matters to them.

    Also don’t need to say it out loud for it to be clear in their mind…ALL men on this planet we live in would much rather be with a polite woman then one that swears 24/7…men would rather be with a delicate sweet softspoke n woman than w one that just yells and nags at him all the time..

    If you want something to change..reinforce it positively. It’s not by telling him that he’s like his father that your gonna have achieved something great. Your just oppressing him and making him hate you.
    Tell him he’s the greatest guy you ever had the chance to love and you know hes got the potential of being even better of a lover,husband bf etc..and that you want him to know that you are expecting that of him. Because as your partner or other half he’s suppose to make you feel good. BY THE WAY most of my talks with my husband are like late at night in bed when were just whispering and cuddling..

    really helps because thats the time of the day when your voice is going to be the softest sounding voice ever.. and men loveee doesnt sound naggy at all.

    • Pedro

      Must say, half what you said is right, half is terribly wrong. Woman, if you ignore a men that much, specially your boyfriend, he will probably move on. Yeah, you can be lucky and get a man who’ll be like a puppy and follow you, but chances are he’ll get tired of trying and say,sorry for the harsh words, “fuck that, there’s more people out there”. Not trying to be a jerk, I’m serious. You kinda used the wrong equation but got to the same result. That’s wonderfull, but don’t expect it to work with everyone else

  • Sofia

    Oh, Renee.

    I had a friend (again with the male friend thing) who said he likes me, but when he was on FB he used to liked every photo of every woman he saw. Then, I felt terribly and thought he just wanted to play with me or have fun with (yes, I have a very fertile mind lol) and I cut him out and block him off of FB. But I just read a comment of you saying that men are objective and if they like a photo or whatever it doesnt mean anything. I couldnt just tell him ”hey, you, liking other womans photos hurt me” bcos we were just friends.

    I read on other coaches that man can do whatever they want (being or not on a relationship). I now, have that mind set (Is what I use to detach myself from men). ”He can do whatever he wants, I dont own him. He is free to do whatever he likes”

    Now, I know I have made a big mistake on doing what I did. Tooooo late. :(

  • swanprincesse

    Also, if you don’t want another woman to come between you and your man, be truly giving in all aspects of your relationship. Some women assume givers are doormats. Not true. If you unselfishly give to him both outside and inside the bedroom, and you are that glowing light of feminine energy when he is around, then you aren’t going to have to worry about other women. You will be filling him up in all aspects.

    • thinkpink414

      Once again the statement “give him/her what they want/need and they have no reason to look elsewhere”

      This is such a misconception getting thrown around from woman to woman and man to man. Some people are never going to be happy. Some desires will never be fully met. This is just the way it is. And i dont have to be a cheater or cheatee to know this because it takes nothing more than an understanding of common mental health issues. A narcissist will cheat on you regardless of having sex 3x a day or 4x a month. Why?.. not for lack of sexual fulfillment but for the attention or the thrill and because he can. A sociopath will do the same – and he will proceed to make his partner believe it was her fault. A person scared of abandonment will cheat on their spouse simply to feel needed or detach themself in case the relationship ends. Then you have the histrionic personality types who will do it for the all the reasons above. The list goes on almost infinitely.

      I find these worth mentioning here because of the unbelievable amount of times I have seen this reasoning. Keeping him or her happy and fulfilled in the bedroom will not stop the cheating. The person who cheats is not doing it for lack of pleasure at home. Stop spreading this garbage because the women who will listen to your advice are the exact women who need to know that their not to blame for his own issues.

      Anyone who truly thinks that their man/woman only cheats if their not having their needs met – either hasn’t been cheated on, doesn’t know they’ve been cheated on, or knows and took the blame when their spouse gave the “we don’t have sex enough” excuse.

      If your guy pulled this with you… you need to pay attention because I’d be willing to bet that he still has a side piece.

      This comment is not pointed to the meaning of the article but to the commenters who throw this reasoning around every chance they get. It sickens me because I have a family members like this and its just plain moronic.

      I know what its like to be in a “I trust you with my whole heart” kind of relationship and while the bedroom aspect is important it is far from what it takes to be happy.
      You and he have to be compatible in so many other aspects than that. And you do need to be best friends that sleep together.

  • Lexxx

    THIS IS AMAZING. My boyfriend and I have been considering an open relationship while I’m abroad and he’s at school for 5 months. It was possibly the worst, roughest days of my life. We made it through loving each other even more at the end. It’s hard to explain. Anyway, I’m very torn about going into an open relationship…I personally would really enjoy it for MYSELF, but thinking of him WANTING other women makes me sad. It makes me sad because it makes me believe I am not good enough, that another girl will replace me in his heart and in his bed. This article helped me SO SO VERY MUCH. I really hope that whatever decision we come to that it’s for the best. Thanks so much for this article. I could hug you!

    Best :)

    • swanprincesse

      Hello Lexxx,
      I have never seen an example of where an open relationship works– especially not for the woman. First of all you really need to consider any potential STDs that could be brought to you. Things like genital warts can cause cervical cancer, but the virus responsible for the cancer can manifest in a wart years later. Not worth it. Also, please know that you are worth more than an open relationship. He won’t see you as a high value woman if you agree to this arrangement. Its best to break up while you are apart and see other people. When he returns figure out if you would still like to date him.

    • Cindy

      I just want to give you a little insight to what I experienced. I went to travel for what was going to be 4 months. It ended up only being a month but I decided to do an open relationship and it hurt me WAY more than I ever realized.

      I find it interesting that women who have not been cheated on can not really understand the paint that comes from a man sleeping with another woman. Just be aware that this may hurt you more than it would help you. 5 months is not that long… many people do this for a year or 2. If neither of you are not ready, it may be better to just break up.

      I know it is hard but I learned the hard way that from now on “wherever you go, go with all your heart.” That doesn’t mean you have to go with him but when I left it an open relationship, I left half my heart at home. If I had said “no, I want to stay in a relationship” and he had said “I want to be with other women” my heart would have been broken but I would have all the broken pieces with me.

      Take care and have an AMAZING time traveling :) Take a few of your favorite albums because you will be able to play the years later and retreat to all those magical traveling memories <3

  • Ariana

    This is a wonderful article. I’m in a long distance relationship with my best friend of 6 years. we only recently started dating when a few months back his ex girl cheated on him, and I told him how I felt (That was a scary situation) I didn’t know he was already dating someone else, but he broke it off with her because he wanted to be with me, he just didn’t know I felt the same way. xD
    But he’s still good friends with both his exes and is one of those guys who has tons of female friends because he’s just a really great person.
    Every time he would mention one of these girls I’d feel sick to my stomach and suddenly feel rather depressed. And I feel bad for it because I know they are his friends and I shouldn’t feel this way. Guilty I guess. And my whole day kinda sucks after that.
    It’s difficult because we’re both juniors in high school and I’m homeschooled and live two states away, so we don’t get to see him often.
    But the way you describe this… It really spoke to me. i really am just kinda scared someone else is giving him what I can’t due to our distance.
    But he’s coming over this weekend, and I’ll have a nice chat with him about my issue, and knowing him he’ll tell me “Why would you ever think that way? D:” And cuddle me, but still. As you said, it does need to be said.
    Hopefully everything will work out fine. ^^

  • Caroline

    Thanks, exactly what I need :)

  • Rachel

    This is a good message because I’ve been trying to deal with jealousy for so long now because there are lots of girls always around him or either way texting him 24/7 and it kills me but sometimes I do tell him how I feel and he tells me not to worry because he has only me in mind and he loves me. Also some girls could go visit his sister and when they get to meet him they ask him to take a picture of them on his phone and send it to them whiles they have their phone on them and makes me wonder why?.. but I really want to deal with jealousy stuffs especially when they are with him laughing and stuffs , smiling at him , calling him each day and texting him. I know he loves me and I love him but I want to get rid of it really and also make those girls feel less powerless of getting his attention because I show him great love and want them to see him wanting me alone and not them and also he will not get caught up in their moves.

  • JBB

    really very good advice to deal with possessiveness and to divert feminine energy in the right direction. Thanks a lot.

  • LeJana

    this article is amazing. It really helped because I am an extremely jealous person when it comes to relationships

  • Meh

    Dear Renee!
    I just love your article, its something every girl look upto. To control her extra feelings of jealousy, i’m facing this issue too. There’s that guy whom i met bychance on net. Lateron i get to know him better and came to know that he was sort of in-relation with a girl. Who is now his ex as she left him and married somebody else. When i asked did he didnt stopped her to leave him or said her to stay? he said, he did even wanted to get change for her. But she said she deserves better. Lateron he started sharing more and more things with me, caring for me; saying that my pictures are nice, and that he miss me when im not around or online.
    Once we had an argument where his few friends were involved..he took side of them instead of me, I felt bad and had a fight, but then he messaged me and sort things out, he didnt said sorry but convinced me for patch-up. Then things change i started falling for him, I’ve never been so open or have such guts to say something, but i really don’t know how, i admitted it to him on some issue that i’ve started getting a feelings for him. He said he doesn’t want me to feel anything and i should backoff. I thought now things would be change as i admitted this and its over now, he rejected me so inshort end of the friendship also. Still i positively replies to him by saying that love is unconditional feeling, if i feel for him it doesnt means he also should feel for me too, and i didn’t said anything to him do i? He said you’re a strange her should you think i would live happily and never will think about hurting you or will survive with this guilt that i made you feel better but only for a while? I said no you should be happy that reason of my happiness is you now.
    Then suddenly i noticed he started calling me BABY, by stop calling me from my name, late-night texts and gestures on texts. We have never meet so i cannot say anything, but i know him quite well now, though his acts are confusing toooo much. I mean he never even said he loves me, but giving me kisses and hugs, being emotional for me even after when he rejected me in a good manner.
    I cannot straightly asks from him, or should even force him for commitment. But i realllyyy want to be with this guy. Who is more than a friend now for me and an apple of my eye now. As you said OWN your lovedone. I’m totally that kind of girl. Putting sooo much care in our so-called relation. But when it comes to facebook i use to get to see some of his friend’s who are definitely girls too, and ofcourse he would talk to them aswell. But im in a strong doubt that do he treats them all the same as he treating me now? sending late night romantic texts, caring for me etc?

    Should i give all this a time? Or how to deal with the jealousy which im having for his other friends. They’re not too many[I have to mention here] Only three of them closer ones i’ve seen on his facebook.
    So what to do please give me honest advice renee :(