Feminine and Masculine Energy in Same-Sex Relationships
When I first started this blog, I was writing for straight women. Over time, as my blog has received more exposure, I’ve been asked about how masculinity and femininity works in same-sex relationships. Whilst I still write predominantly for straight women, I want people to know that I don’t intend to exclude people in same-sex relationships in The Feminine Woman Community, and neither do I seek to perpetrate any intolerance towards gays.
I understand that people have thought, at first, that I was saying that same-sex relationships are wrong and shouldn’t exist. This is not the case at all! So, as promised, and in response to a few requests and suggestions that I acknowledge same-sex relationships on my blog, David and I have written this article.
We are not experts on this topic. Neither of us are gay, and neither of us can relate to being gay, or have a solid understanding of what it’s like to be in a same-sex relationship; so the article is intended to be an open discussion, where people can share their ideas and thoughts on the topic – so that we can all learn from one another.
Let’s look at what brings a relationship together in the first place.
First of all, for a relationship to form, there has to be similarities. There’s got to be things in common so that rapport can be established between the two people. This could be…same work place, same sense of humour, same passions, opinions on important issues, same way of reacting to weird situations, the same funny look etc,…anything that’s similiar.
The reason why we, as humans like commonalities is because it makes us feel safer to know that someone else is like us. Haven’t we all at some time, through the ebb and flow of life, seen or met someone who made us think….”oh my god, he/she does that just like ME!”
Commonalities build rapport.
Rapport is the basis of communication and influence. You can’t get a message through to someone if you don’t have rapport with them. Therefore you can’t carry on a relationship with them if there’s no rapport.
A lot of relationships are based heavily on commonalities. In fact, sometimes when we get into a relationship, through our need to be loved…we tend to subconsciously “copy” the other person and become more like them…so that they might like us more, and to feel closer to them! We’ve all been there to some extent.
Some couples even start to look like each other after a while, and they have the same expressions, same gestures, and even similar facial features.
Commonalities give us certainty; one of most important human needs. We need to feel certain and safe to let go and be ourselves.
Friendships are usually based around things that two people have in common. Whether that’s goals, activities, passions, likes/dislikes, etc.
In a intimate relationship however, unless you plan just to be friends forever, commonality isn’t enough. You need things to be opposite to create passion. Because, if you had everything in common with your partner (whatever he’s doing, you’re doing too…whatever you’re doing, she’s doing too), then wouldn’t that get very boring very quickly?
To create passion and excitement, there’s got to be differences. Attraction is caused by polarity and opposites. Like a positive particle and a negative particle creating charge in between them. There has to be polarity to make a relationship exciting and full of variety.
In same sex relationships, you will still be able to see the masculine and feminine polarity within the relationship. We don’t want to stereotype people, or cause any more segregation or marginalization than there is already in society, so our aim isn’t to point the finger or exclude anyone.
Whether you are in a heterosexual relationship or a same-sex relationship, it’s really your choice and we can’t tell you what’s right or what’s wrong. We just want to clear up that sexual orientation is independent of masculine or feminine.
This means that if you’re a man, and you’re feminine, you’re not necessarily gay and vise-versa; if you’re a gay man, it doesn’t mean you are necessarily very feminine.
The same goes with women; you don’t have to be all masculine and macho to be a lesbian. In fact, we have seen first-hand a few extremely feminine lesbians (who don’t know each other).
It is in our belief that in any intimate relationship, there are masculine and feminine roles. This means that in same sex relationships, there will be someone who is more in their masculine and someone who’s more in their feminine at any point in time. These roles can obviously be reversed (gives it a good sense of variety that way).
This isn’t to say that if you’re both masculine or both feminine at your core that a relationship isn’t going to work. Because you can be totally masculine at work but still come home and be feminine. There are many roles in life, and as we take on different roles, we change our identity, what we believe, and our values.
We would love to hear what you have to say about this. The more input from everyone, the more understanding we will all have. This is not a place for judgment or separation, it is a place where we can come together and extend our understanding of ourselves, other people, and the world around us.
Ultimately, we want people to walk away with a deeper, richer appreciation and understanding of humans.
So please comment below and give your opinion as to whether there has to be a masculine/feminine essence or role in same-sex relationships, just as in heterosexual relationships.
And Get Free Advice and Action Steps to Attract Emotionally Mature Men, Have Him Effortlessly & Deeply Commit to You, and Have a Passionate Relationship that Others Envy.
Tags: feminine and masculine energy in same-sex relationships, feminine energy, feminine men, femininity masculinity, masculine energy, masculine women, same sex relationships
Leave A Reply (6 comments So Far)
Comment Rules: Be Cool and No bashing anyone! We're all entitled to our opinions, and any stupid comments will be deleted.
Sappho
246 days ago
I appreciate your acknowledgement of lesbians. I’m a teenage lesbian who enjoys your blog because I aspire to be a feminine woman and a classy lady. [The greatest role model I can think of is Amber Heard (only recently came out).]
The thing I love about same-sex relationships is freedom from concrete gender roles. Although women can be masculine and men can be feminine, I still feel that, at the end of the day, in a heterosexual relationship, the woman is feminine and the man is masculine. Even if these aren’t the dynamics of the relationship and the woman does, in fact, dominate, I feel there’s a certain expectation from society for the man to take charge. And if you go against that, it may humiliate him or detriment your image in some way.
Whereas, in a relationship with two women, I feel that we look at each other more as people than women. There are no inherent expectations about the way we should act or what who should do. You can create your own roles and switch them up. Sometimes you can be masculine and sometimes you can be feminine. You can be whatever you feel like without being judged because no one has anything to measure it against. Who’s to say how two women in a relationship should act? There’s not really any media to preach how lesbian dynamics should be.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that in lesbian relationships, the energy is flexible. It still requires contrast, but the energy isn’t tied to any person. One partner could be masculine one minute and feminine the next.
Take Amber Heard and her girlfriend Tasya van Ree for example. In old paparazzi pics, Amber is seen opening the car door for Tasya and then driving her away (I would regard this as masculine). But then in other pics, you see Tasya driving Amber around. I like the way it’s switched up. I don’t think you could be happy in a same-sex relationship if you were confined to either masculine or feminine energy because I think it would be unfair to treat each other differently when you’re both the same. I like to take turns personally.
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lindsey
367 days ago
Some individuals have gender that is none binary, for example i have both masculine and feminine energy but prefer to be more masculine most of the time. I was looking for a girlfriend who was more feminine and i met a transwoman who i thought was quite feminine when i met her. But it turned out she has a masculine side still, but refuses to except it as she is a feminist and thinks everyone should be feminine. She did not like me speaking of my none binary gender, and did not understand when i told her i had both a masculine and feminine side, i have noticed though that if i do not tell her which mode im in she does appear more attracted to my masculine side at first. Later she started to like my feminine side, but when she first saw my feminine side she was threatened by it. I think that might have been because she was afraid she would appear more masculine around it.
Since being with her i stopped talking about my own gender and tryed to make it less obviouse that i have two genders. But it is not working for me as i feel i can not be my real self around her, sometimes i just do want to be more masculine then at other times, its just not possible for me to remain the same gender all the time. I think her resistance to my gender changing has caused arguments for us. Ive talked to other lesbians but most will not listen when i talk about changing gender in this way, as many people tell me gender does not exist.
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Andy
524 days ago
I don’t really understand how attraction between male and female works, but substituting women for men in your other articles, I have to say I agree with every word. As a gay man I find the soft and tender feminine essence of a man deadly attractive. It just makes me amorous of him and want to protect him.
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applepie
541 days ago
This is a fascinating topic and one that i’m particularly interested in, being a gay woman. I find it hard to understand how woman who have NEVER been truly attracted to a man (excluding the throes of early adolescence) can possibly feel wholly feminine and be attracted to more masculine partners. I understand if someone decides that men aren’t for them AFTER having had relationships with men (and having been able to make love to/care about those men), then they might be the more feminine in a partnership. I would still call such women ‘bisexual’ if we want to put a label on it, because I feel very distinctly set apart from such a mentality (and i’m not obviously masculine or homosexual.) – i cannot concieve of loving a man enough/wanting a man enough to give him children/live with him. It wouldn’t be possible, it would even be wrong! I think this is one possible reason why it is harder for lesbians to form relationships (and gay men like-wise). The truth is, i feel, that to form a lasting relationshîp, one partner has to have a more feminine identity, the other more masculine. And thus you often find, with older lesbian couples, that one has been married/has their own grown -up children etc.
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P
543 days ago
very well written …
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Catherine
661 days ago
This is an interesting topic indeed, and one that to a certain extent I have had alot of exposure, as my mother is in a relationship with another woman.
Within their relationship, they do have things in common, they also most definetly have very DIFFERENT things.
One is more masculine in some circumstances than the other.
Both dress at times, in a very feminine way, and yet both enjoy say, hiking outdoors, and at times wear very ‘boyish’ out door travel gear.
In the beginning when my mother first entered this relationship, she was VERY masculine. She refused to wear make up – would never wear a dress, a skirt, anything ‘pretty’ never jewelery, etc. Over time though, as she grew more secure in her relationship ( learnt to trust again) – she dropped the masculine facade.
She now has beautiful long naturally coloured hair ( albeit grey, it’s so healthy and stunning! ) She wears some of the most GORGEOUS feminine clothes – and wears lovely pretty clips in her hair =D
I think often people who enter into a same sex relationship have a tendency to be more of the opposite sex – but at the end of the day – if the relationship is to work, a balance has to be found. Just as in a straight relationship.
My mother learnt to let her emotions out in a healthy way, to trust, to be loving – but it took another woman to teach her that – Her mother never showed her.
Anywho… i could go on about this for ages – but in the end, it comes down to the same base as a straight relationship – A balance. Comfort and common ground, but also difference to inspire that passion =D
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