How to Be Submissive for Love

how to be submissive for love

How to Be Submissive for Love

Firstly, please don’t be fooled by the flashy title. I’m not encouraging women to play dumb, be in a ‘housewife’ role, or be helpless and have no opinions. Being submissive to a man is not about that at all. I’m also not encouraging women to be submissive all the time – being submissive is just another role than a woman can take up every now and then in her relationship.

The reason I’m talking about being submissive is because it can bring more passion, strength and life to a relationship, and awaken the most masculine yet tender character in a man. Submission is almost never about admitting you’re ‘wrong’, ‘incapable’ or ‘weaker’ than a man. Being submissive just allows for a man to feel more like a man around you, and – as a result, have that extra bit of love for you.

And, part of being in touch with your femininity is understanding what true femininity is, and how to ‘go there’ when you need to. Submission is a part of learning to become more feminine as well.

So, the question of how to be submissive leads me to bringing up some things that you will need to understand and therefore be able to be submissive at times. The ‘how’ will come to you through understanding of the reason behind it. Our feminist society has encouraged women to keep their guard up, wear masks (instead of being comfortable in their feminine core/essence), be ‘right’ all the time, chase ‘success’, put their men after their ‘careers’, and be like steel in the face of conflict.

Opening up

I’ve mentioned it before and I’ll mention it again – that a man really wants his woman to be open to him, and to let him in (emotionally, mentally, sexually, spiritually). The problem with modern education is that it’s turned a lot of women in to these intensely dominating creatures that completely emasculate the men around them. (read my article about learning how to be open)

The problem with this is that, in the face of conflict in a relationship (there always IS conflict and always will be, it’s natural and good) women use these steel masks to cover up their vulnerabilities and argue at the same level with their man.

Women are the MOST vulnerable. As a result, they have to use masks more than anything. This is where we get bitches who push and shove and have no qualms about destroying their sisters and upsetting them. A result of using these masks to cover up our natural feminine essence is that women become indifferent and emotionless, blunt and nasty.

Men hate this. By all means, there’s a bitch in all of us, and all men want a woman to be a bit of a challenge to them (but in a feminine way). The kind of bitch I’m talking about is the one who doesn’t respect a man’s opinion, walks all over his ego, criticizes him, blames him, points the finger, demands things that are unreasonable, acts manipulative and deceiving, uses sex to get what she wants, etc.

Instead, in the face of conflict, a woman can decide to open up to her man and remove the mask. Decisions shape your future, and it’s as simple as making a decision, and focusing on the positives of doing this rather than the comfort of doing things the same way you always have. Let him in and let him be the protector and the leader. Men are becoming more feminine, and part of this is because they no longer have as much of a masculine role anymore. Women don’t seem to even need a man at all anymore. (think of the famous songs by The Pussycat dolls or Destiny’s child: ‘I don’t need a man’ and ‘Independent woman’).

The truth is, men are built naturally stronger than women. And, they operate differently to women mentally too (think about a woman’s handbag, and how she magically fits in the contents of an entire HOUSE in it; versus a man who only carries a wallet with a few cards and some money; men are much simpler and women are much more complex and thoughtful creatures). Deep down, all women have vulnerabilities and deep fears and feelings of uncertainty, especially in the face of violence.

A man wants you to show him this!! Show him he is your man, and you are his woman!

Trust

The trends in our society have also lead women to become less trusting of men; one feminist even claiming that ‘all men are rapists’. *raises eyebrows*. Every day there are men being heroic and standing up for what is right, and protecting and taking care of people.

Being submissive is also about trusting your man enough to let him show you the way sometimes. And, asking him for help. Or asking him for his opinion, or asking him for solutions. Most men who are in touch with their masculinity at their core would jump at the chance to help a woman with something – really! It makes him feel needed, and useful. Not to mention manly :)

So, ask him for help even with the smallest things like bringing the shopping in, opening a jar, carrying something heavy, undoing a knot, etc. Give him trust where you know it is deserved, and do it without question.

The masculine energy wants to be trusted. If you doubt your man all the time, he could do something to hurt you, but if you’re more innocent and trusting (now, not completely innocent) he will want to hurt you less. Lots of women actually subconsciously push their men to do terrible things to them because this is the man’s subconscious retaliation or expression of frustration and feeling trapped.

Have you seen men with their little girls/daughters? They don’t want to let ANYTHING hurt their little girl! The same goes with their wife or girlfriend, if only she could show a little innocence and submission like a child might – looking up to him as the leader. No masculine man wants to fail at leadership. (read my article about making a man succeed)

Ability to be uncertain

This is where being submissive is especially powerful and strong, on the woman’s part. To be submissive, a woman has to be ok with  being uncertain. She has to let her guard down, peel off the mask and look of ‘steel’  and be free. Just look to your man as a possible source of strength for you when you might need it. Like he is the rock to your ‘ocean of emotion’ :)

This is incredibly strong from a woman’s part. A lot of people think that by not trusting people, they are being strong, independent and smart. But, where does a lack of trust get us, really? It gets us a whole world of pain, that’s what it does. We walk around, holding ourselves back, not able to be free and to let go, and to fully enjoy what life has to offer, and not able to give people a chance to show their better side (often if you trust someone, they want to please MORE, as I was saying above about not trusting a man and how this can sometimes push him to betrayal). (read my article about a strong woman)

The happiness and freedom you are able to experience in your life now, and in the future is in DIRECT PROPORTION to the level of UNCERTAINTY you can comfortably handle.

The same goes with your intimate relationship! The quality of your relationship with your man is in direct proportion to the level of uncertainty that you can handle.

(please see this post on ‘is he mr. right?‘ for more information).

Surrendering

Part of knowing how to be submissive, and knowing that it doesn’t mean you are inferior is understanding that by surrendering to a man’s leadership and strength at times, you allow your relationship to flow, be real and just be free. Without so much pent up anger and negative association that plagues many modern marriages and relationships.

Men can grow to resent a woman who is always fighting to be more like men. As my reports ‘What Men Think(tm)’ reveal, most men who took part in the survey indicated that they most respected and admired a woman who was comfortable with her femininity and able to let her guard down, thereby letting him in: being open to him. Making a man’s role real and worthy.

Also, being able to surrender shows that you have plenty of self confidence, esteem as a woman (not having to prove yourself and be in CONTROL all the time) and that you’re relaxed and able to just allow a man to take the spotlight. If your man isn’t being made to feel like a man around you, he’ll be attracted to some other woman who DOES make him feel that way. Trust me.

There is a follow-on post related to this one, please see ‘Surrendering to Masculine Energy:)

I hope you enjoyed this. Any concerns or thoughts, be sure to let me know! :)

Renee the feminine woman

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69 Comments

  • Ashley

    January 28, 2013

    Amen! I read this and you are so right!

  • Lainey

    January 27, 2013

    … Being FEMININE has absolutely nothing to do with being submissive. And being MASCULINE has nothing to do with being dominant….
    A woman can be strong, assertive, competent, and confident, without being “manly.” And a man can be understanding, kind, and more of a thinker than a doer, without being “emasculated.” You are defining such old, old gender roles, and while they are still clearly present in today’s society and media, there is no biological or psychological reason that a certain gender has to act a certain way.
    Yes, I am about 5 feet and 2 inches tall. I run my own business, and I get things done. I know how to run operations, and I’ve been quite successful. Yet, I don’t go out being a “bitch,” like you said… An competent woman is called a bitch, but a confident man is called an innovator…Do you see the disconnect? I like to pamper myself with beauty products and clothes (and shoes!!!), that I can buy with my own money..
    And you know what? My husband is PROUD of me. He is a forensic scientist, and makes just as much money as I do. He is smart, touch, and he works out, goes out with the guys, and does everything the stereotypical man does. But when something goes wrong, he knows that he has me to help him.. He doesn’t have to play the hero, or do everything himself, because I can help him, or do it myself. I don’t play manipulative mind games with him, or pretend to be a docile little puppet to please him.
    I am strong, able, and a woman.. I am a great asset to the ‘team’ that is our couple, instead of the childlike doll that your article expects… You should not have to be dominated, and neither should he, you should complement each other in a way that benefits both of you, and puts NEITHER of you down to a lower status than the other.
    Ladies, you deserve partners that love you and bring out the best in you.. And if they aren’t you should find a way to communicate that to them, without playing mindgames or hiding behind masks.
    Men, you deserve partners that love you and bring out the best in you. Keep your standards realistic and unselfish, and remind her, and yourself, that a relationship is not a one way street. Communicate your needs to your partner without manipulating them.

    • Candy

      February 23, 2013

      THIS. What about men lowering their guard?
      Don’t tell me how to be feminine. I’m not going to revert to being a little girl to please anyone. I’ll let him do the heavy lifting. I’ll trust him with my thoughts. He should too.

  • Michelle

    January 24, 2013

    I wish I could be submissive, but my husband wants me to take care of everything…bills, work, kids, house work, dinner, cleaning, etc. It is very little he takes on. It gets on the way of his comfort levels. He likes everything in order with very minimal effort. Even in our intimate times, which are very seldom, he just lays there and expects me to do all the work. If I do not initiate it, he wont. Sometimes I have even not initiated intimacy for weeks and months and he, plain and simple would just not engage on it. I have always taken care of making sure that everything is taken care of. When I dont, things just fall apart. Instead of him stepping up, he downsizes. He will get rid of cable, or let our home go to foreclosure, or eat less, spend less. When money is scarce, he is impossible to be around. This is why I feel I cant “let got” and “be feminine-like” when it comes to responsibilities. I am very feminine though (physically). I am sexy and beautiful. I get compliments on a daily basis from everyone except for him. I have learned to live with it.
    But I dream of a day when I can be completely feminine. :) That would just rule!

  • Louis

    December 9, 2012

    Shoe fetish Young eninictg professional gu fish dating Ostrach y. Searching for a woman who loves her feet and wants a person to appreciate these people. I’m down for anything with each of your feet, massages, licking, paying so you can get them done, ordering you shoes, . . .. perfect girls

  • new to this

    November 12, 2012

    I am new to this and actually dont want to come accross as being uneducated, I have spend hours and hours reading and researching this topic,due to advice that the man I have been seeing gave me. At first, I honestly thought that this new found remarkble man was just going to be a sex partner for me to get over a horrible ling relationship. I was so intrigued by his expectations in the bedroom as well as very pleased that i began asking him questions, and to my surprise realized that i wanted nothing more than to give him complete control. But he of course, worried about my feelings and well being wants me to make an educated and informed choice told me to research it fully and then give.him my decsision. My questions are so many that I am afraid that he will get tired of answering them. So, although I realize that every man is different in what they require.fro their woman is there any books you woukd suggest for me to read that i can find and download, or go to the store and buy? Also I am a bartender and have never had the support from a man about.my job that hegives.me

    • new to this

      November 12, 2012

      Sorry didn’t mean to send without completing my statement!!
      As a bartender it has been basically impossible to find someone that is willing to be supportive of my job, but he is completely supportive, I am assuming it is because he is secure enough with himself that he isn’t worried about what my job consist of. So, another question that I have for you is this, he isn’t the “bar” type, doesn’t care for the surroundings, believe it or not, neither do I, but when he tells me to do what I have to, flirt, shake my butt, whatever it takes to make money, do you think that he is actually ok with me flirting with other men? I have noticed that I feel uncomfortable when I flirt, infact, I feel guilty, even though he has told me that he knows and is ok with everything. So, is it time for me to look into a different job, even though there is no way i can make what i do now, or do I just realize that I am no longer dealing with boys, he is with out a doubt a man, and tells me, infact gives me suggestions, on how to make a man tip me more? I guess what scares me is that I have seen friends of mine that think they have found someone that is ok with them being a bartender, but then later on down the road it ends up being too much for the man to deal with. I would never want to disappoint or make my man uncomfortable, or make him second guess any feelings that I have for him. Just so that you know, even before I met him, I never have been “that” bartender…. I dont by any means make anybody think that I am going to go home with them or lead them on in anyway, first and foremost that is very dangerous, and can cause horrible things to occur in the long run. But, just like anyone of my friends that are single bartenders, customers do hit on me, and he actually tells me he expects me to flirt back. Also as a bartender, I have VERY many male friends that I care deeply for, as a friend, and that is all it is for them as well. I just dont know if I am showing him how much I respect him if I continue to have the life style a bartender leads. My schedule is enough for a man to have to deal with, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights until 4 am, leaving only week days to spend time with him, I know it has to get annoying. I just dont want to disrespect him in anyway. And want him to realize that he is more important that the job I am choosing to have at this time in my life. ANY suggestions would be wonderful

  • Ashley

    October 21, 2012

    I was raised to be more dominant than submissive. Not until I got married did I understand the importance of submissiveness and femininity. It has made a world of difference in my relationship! My husband becomes stronger and manlier the more I become submissive and feminine :) it’s actually a very interesting dynamic and I love it! I also came across a book called Fascinating Womanhood that radically changed my life. I would definitely recommend checking it out. There are times where I go back to the way I was raised (maybe during arguments for example) and the results are horrible.. We get nowhere and we both end up angry with one another. Just by simply behaving feminine I can diffuse most situations. Men love it, and women can learn a lot about themselves in a truly submissive role.

  • Grace Ortiz

    September 22, 2012

    This is a great column. It took me over 9 yrs. to realize I couldn’t be strong all the time for everyone including my husband, once I internalized how much strength it took to keep up that facade I realized I had to let it go and set myself free and it’s ok to lean on my man for support and strength. It has made a world of a difference and because of it no matter what problems or situations we go thru we continue to strive on together. I don’t always have to be the glue.

  • Nurse

    September 20, 2012

    Thank you so much. I agree with this 100% I love to be feminine and submissive in my relationship. It feels good to have a man that can lead our family. This is a great article.

  • karen

    August 19, 2012

    A recent article by Renee discussed being a “pleaser” as opposed to being a “giver”, which made me think of this article. I think it would too easy to slide into being a pleaser if one doesn’t clearly understand the concept of being submissive. Pleasers are very annoying and Renee discussed how this is not healthy in a relationship and will push a man away. I;m comfortable in a submissive role, but feel it’s important to keep it in perspective, and not try to please him in everything, because that can lead to feeling diminished as a person. I’ve done that in past relationships and it led to severe deppression. When trying too hard to hold on to a relationship causes one to feel worthless and depressed, it’s time to take a second look at it. Perhaps it’s time to move on. No man is worth your loss of self respect.

  • Myrtrice

    August 19, 2012

    I found this article to be very enlightening. I thought I was doing to right thing by following my husband’s lead (my idea of submission) only he interpreted it to be a lack of self respect. Gradually his attacks and mood swings caused me to begin taking more responsibility for myself. Something that seemed unnatural in a relationship but seemed to be the best way to avoid pain and quarrels. He would often say he doesnt know what it was that made him so discontented because he lived in paradise and should be happier. I often felt that maybe he was not ready for the responsibility of leading a family. Now he is in a relationship with another person. She doesn’t have a child with him yet, but she seems to be suffering the same way I did. So that leads me to think that it may be difficult to be submissive to some people because they cannot or will not handle it well.

  • muslimah

    August 17, 2012

    I just wanted to say that I really liked this post an ive been tryingto find ways to be more womanly for my man and this article gives you simple tips. So thanks for that. Also as a muslim woman I agree that this is a natural way of being as stated by Chrystyana. Since we also believe in the truth of the Bible (which I dont think many people know). We call it ‘fitrah’ a natural way of being. and by nature we meant to be paired just like all creatures have a male and female pair and God wants life to be easy for us so he gave men and women roles so women dont need to be over burdened like u can see in todays society (the whole single mum thing that she pointed out) men arent even marrying anymore and women are doing double the work! Thats not to say women cant work in Islam women can work if they want but they dont Need to coz men are the ones who step up and provide.

    woo went off on a tangent there but i just had to get it out!

    thanks for the article! x

  • Kate

    August 13, 2012

    Thank you so much for your article. My husband and I are beginning to understand and explore our relationship that has, unknowingly, been more or less and D/s relationship. Can you suggest any books that will help us understand the psychology behind our dominant/submissive behaviour? Neither of us is in to receiving or giving pain but most texts I find are related to sexual D/s with a heavy emphasis on giving/receiving pain.

    Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

  • Gorgonopsid

    June 26, 2012

    Equality simply means two properties that are EQUIVALENT; they are the same type and same amount e.g. two biologists in the same field of study and of equal intelligence in that field. Since submission and dominance are not equivalent roles when it comes to leadership, then they are not equal by definition of the word equality. So either you don’t believe in equality of men and women and you do believe submission and dominance roles or you believe in equality and don’t believe in submission and dominance roles; otherwise that is inconsistent. And by the way what is “masculine and feminine energies”; there is no scientific evidence that men or women have fundamentally different psychic energies or that psychic energies even exist; what determines that consciousness is neural electrical impulses in our brains which don’t vary with gender and are different from the idea of psychic energies; which you don’t explain or define at all.

  • schatzi

    June 24, 2012

    When my relationship with my boyfriend was brand new, I quickly understood that when he made a decision, he did NOT want an argument about it. But I began to see that due to some severe health issues, he often does not feel as if he has any control or influence, and he came off as being bossy and controlling, sometimes to his disadvantage. I learned that if I gave him the respect he was craving, and stopped second-guessing his decisions, he became less stubborn and more willing to let me into his life and heart. I felt that it was my gift to him, to help him feel stronger as a man, which greatly enriched our feelings for each other. I stopped seeing him as “weak”, and began to value his many strengths instead. It cost me nothing to do this in terms of self respect- instead, I grew in wisdom and strength. When he began to feel more secure and respected within our relationship, he became more tender and loving towards me. I think everybody has their tales to tell about bad or abusive relationships and I’m no different, and I spent many years alone and single before i met him because I didn’t trust men, and I let that mistrust and anger into this relatonship before I learned how to forgive the past and let it go so I could find love again. We are both older, and feel that our love is a great gift from God, and I’m perfectly willing to let go of having to feel in control all the time if it preserves the peace between us. I do not feel as if I’m being submissive in a bad way for doing this – letting him be the boss, so to speak, because I’m getting what I want – his love. I’m old enough, and I respect myself enough, to know that I don’t have to fight so hard to be right all the time. Love is more important. When I look at the world and his situation through his eyes I see that he needs respect as well as love, and I can be THE ONE to give him that if I simply let go of my fear and insecurity. If he has ever let me down or disappointed me, I forgive and move on, because we are all only human and make mistakes. I have great faith in him that we can share a happy life together, but that’s always going take me being able to abide by his choices and decisions without giving him any static about it. I can do that because it’s a part of maintaining our relationship, which I value and treasure.

    • charly

      July 11, 2012

      You are on point sister! Methink you are the model for every woman that wants to have peace, love, understanding, wisdom and respect in her relationship with her man! You can never be more correct with this master piece!

  • Ronette H.

    February 27, 2012

    I think people should really look up that word submission. There is too much emphasis on who should be in control in a relationship when it clearly takes two people to learn how to compromise, instead of the woman being submissive. That is very one sided and is very selfish for anyone to have this kind of concept. Let’s be honest, submission means that you are giving up control of yourself. People can sugarcoat that word all they want, but it is what it is. A woman should never give up having control of herself just to make a man feel like a man. It is not a woman’s fault that some men not all have their own hangup and baggage, and insecurities. I think women can be strong and feminine.

  • Lindsey Brennan

    November 28, 2011

    I disagree with Tracey’s thoughts on this matter. Her suggestion that the author find females with healthy emotional well being is condescending and contradictory. She advises that she has had different experiences and apparently seeks understanding and acceptance that her opinion is different than insults the author by stating she should find females with healthy emotional well being. I am one of a large number of females that is submissive in the form that is described here. I am also emotionally healthy as are those in my circle. Female submission is not an indicator of lack of emotional health. Tracey fails to understand the health, self esteem and strength it takes to be a true submissive. One doesn’t leave themselves entirely vulnerable in the way a true submissive does without an enormous amount of courage, strength and emotional health. It takes those skills to get to a point of being able to access one’s self as a true submissive. Any woman can fake bravado. It is much harder to be open and submissive and remain true to one’s self.

  • Syd

    November 21, 2011

    Equating feminity with submissiveness is just misogyny masquerading as help. Mature women don’t tolerate being secondary to men, and mature men aren’t so fragile as to require it. I hope anyone who considers taking the advice on this site checks out a proper therapist instead.

    • Lindsey Brennan

      November 28, 2011

      No, Syd. Misogyny has many forms. Including those who tell healthy adult women that they can’t make choices that are correct for them. Mature women respect that other mature women have different worldviews and don’t attempt to imply that anyone that doesn’t fit a strain of feminism’s ideology that they are emotionally unwell. Syd, you have no idea what it takes to be a true submissive and yet are posing as some healthy expert on the lives of others. Perhaps you should consult a proper therapist that can teach you respect for diversity.

  • Teresa W.

    November 16, 2011

    thank you for your article, only some of us have had very bad experiences in relationships. It is hard to trust in fear of being hurt again. Men have this sorta ego thing going on, and you are correct, if we could learn to submit and be ourselves. I really hate the person I have become, and that is to stand up for myself. I love God, and if no one wants my love, he does. Women are tired of men playing their Dad and not the role they should. No need to take advantage of us. Signed, what am I?

  • Anon

    September 21, 2011

    45 year old single male here.

    Well thought out article, I think the term submissive is probably a trap.. it has so many poor connotations now. In a way I think the term genteel may be at least as appropriate (with other problems).

    I know this will sound odd, but accepting that the other person can be a source of strength and comfort is not.. being submissive (at least to me) its just being a partner on that can accept help as well as give help to some one.

    One of my basic views in life is that there is little in life worth more than trust.. thus invest it carefully.

    Men (or at least this one) do not want to fight all the time with there partner nor to most (again me at least) want some one that is helpless or always needing, I hope that the ladies feel the same way about us.

  • Robin

    August 3, 2011

    Thanks for this article. I have a submissive streak a valley wide, but I get offended by a lot of articals written about submission in relationships, many are written from a religious perspective and will preach to women about giving their men all control, it becomes very self-deprecating and alienating towards women. This artical is the only one I’ve found that communicates the modern meaning of submission. I’m a strong, level-headed woman, and I’m naturally suspicious of others’ motives, but I trusting a man and looking towards him for guidance and protection when I need it is what love is all about, and when he needs somebody to make him feel strong and help him with whatever challenge he’s facing, I gladly offer it back. Trusting a man and letting him take care of you when you need should not be an act of surrending independence, strength, identity, opinions, etc – in a healthy relationship, a little submission is empowering.

  • Bonnie

    July 27, 2011

    I am 36 years old, most of my life I have been the one in the relationship to take care of all the business of the household…I am married to a great man now, but we always run into problems because I take the responsabilities away from my husband. We always get into fights because he says I emasculate him, how do I change this when I have been this way for my whole life? I have been through abuse in my first marriage, lost my second husband to an accident, and I want to work things out with my husband…I am just not sure if I am capable of doing this. I have learned quite a bit from my husband, but still have massive issues with being submissive when it comes to him. Things have gotten bad, and I need help to find that side before my marriage ends.

  • Katya

    June 15, 2011

    I’m 33 years old and have been in therapy for a few months trying to help me with trusting men as I have not yet has a relationship. Since birth i had to protect myself from men due to a violent father as well as being sexually abused from the age of 2. After reading this article I now know why I have never had a boyfriend. I have been ‘protecting’ myself from all the men in the world because I just think that they want to hurt me.

    I have someone in my life, but I haven’t seen him for over a year now, all because I couldn’t open up to him and let him in. I was distrusting towards him, and I had to be the strong one. Right after reading this, I spoke with him and told him, that I was afraid of how much stronger he was than me and it scared me. I opened my heart and mind to him and just let myself surrender to him. As soon as I did this, I felt complete trust towards him. He’s attitude has completely changed and now we are going on our ‘first’ date next week.

  • Jeff

    June 2, 2011

    As a submissive male who accepts my wife’s leadership within our marriage, I found this article extemely useful and interesting…I just substituted male, masculine, or man for female, feminine, and woman and vice versa!!!

  • New feminine

    May 21, 2011

    Thank you so much for this beautiful article! I’ve been researching the Internet for some advice about how to gain my feminine side back. My boyfriend and I recently broke up; he stated I was too dominant, too controlling and manipulative. When reading this article and also the comments of other users, I realised how wrong I have behaved throughout the years! Before my last boyfriend, I’ve only had boyfriends who were weak, who didn’t know what they wanted, who always lived at home with their mothers and men who had problems (mostly with their families). Now, I have realised that unconsciously I was always looking for these types of men, so I could continue living my dominant, controlling and strong character as a woman. I never wanted to have a weak man, but somehow I always wanted to *help*, guiding them.. but actually, I was merely educating them, forcing my own point of views and desires on to them. As a result, I always felt like the man in the relationship, and my partner as the woman. Consequently, I lost the respect for them, and they didn’t respect me anymore, and we broke up.

    My last boyfriend, whom I broke up with just a few days ago, wants me to be more soft and submissive. He loves me, and I love him, and ironically, I always wanted to be a feminine person, but I never knew how to do it. For example, we had a long distant relationship and I wanted to visit him in his country because I’ll have 3 months off during summer. I thought it would be great to spend the 3 months together. However, he wanted to visit me in my country first for only 1 month. I couldn’t really see his point why he would rather spend only 1 month with me instead of 3 months. And so we fought for days..we were both very stubborn, and ever since this argument, I was vulnerable, because I thought he didn’t really want to be with me. Ever since this fight, he doesn’t respect me anymore and showed this to me with unfriendly remarks, which were quite hurtful. And ever since this argument, he thinks it is in my nature to be dominant, controlling, etc. Although, I can remember that I was quite feminine when I was 18, 19 and 20 years old and much happier, too! Now, he stated he prefers a more submissive woman, and since our break up seems to be more a temporary break up than an ultimate one, I really want to finally become the person I have always wanted to be: 100% feminine!

    However, there is one thing I have not quite understood: when I find my suggestion better than his, do I just give in and let him decide although I don’t really support his suggestion? I mean, that would make me unhappy, wouldn’t it? Please, if anyone has any tips or examples, please let me know.. :)

    • Renee

      May 21, 2011

      new feminine: firstly, you didn’t do anything ‘wrong’, it is just your journey. We can’t all get things right – if we did, we wouldn’t be human; more like robots. As for the suggestion: the fact that you see your suggestion as better than his is a concern: why is it better than his? A man can learn, even if you can see right in front of your eyes that he is making a mistake. You are not his mother. His suggestion is his suggestion. Let it be. btw, he’s just going to want to resist you if you insist that your suggestion is better than his. What do you value more? Being right? Or the relationship.

      • New feminine

        May 22, 2011

        Thank you so much for your quick response and your advice, Renee. It really helps to talk to people who know the process of becoming/being submissive (again). Yesterday, I briefly talked about it with a friend of mine and she was absolutely against being submissive and thought it was rather being weak than anything else. :-S
        I’m therefore more than thankful and happy to have found people on here who can provide valuable advice, because I really want to remember how to be submissive again, and thus be free, more relaxed and happier.
        You are right, I think I was too pushy and didn’t really respect my ex-bf’s opinion. I need to do it again and let my ex-bf be the person who he is, instead of showing him my way (if that makes sense?). The funny thing is I’m submissive when it comes to authority but when it came to my ex-boyfriends, I was different somehow….but that’s going to change :) Thank you for your help again, Renee. :)

  • Tracy

    May 18, 2011

    Let me start by saying im 47 and my husband of 2 1/2yrs left me 3 weeks ago,he said we drifted apart and we did…i just found out a couple of days ago he wants a sub/slave wife…i had no idea….he told me to read about it and see if thats what i can give him,the more i read on this the more i did see some of this in my marriage,he said im strong will and not sure if i can be a sub/slave to him…i did fight him on many things and i think thats where we started to drift apart…i never said no to him when it came to sex,the one thing i did ,was hide my body from him..(it drove him up the wall)…..He was so good to me,gave me gifts and said that no one will ever hurt me as long as im with him,always said im beautiful and so on…i was always asking him if he needed anything or can i get you something,but now i see its more then just that…anyway! now that i know what he wants,i can and will give it to him..i love him….he came over and the sex was out of this world..i gave all of me to him..(we didnt make love for over a month before he left)..and i now know this was his way of punishing me and i didnt even know it…so i do have some ?’s i would love to have answers …

    1.when he comes home from work,how do i greet him?

    2.when hes sitting on the couch,do i sit with him all the time, give him space or ask if i may sit with him?

    3.do i have to ask if i want to go across the street to see my friend or anyother place or if i can go do something?

    Thats all i have for now,i told him i have alot of learning to do and im sure he will let me know when im out of place…….Thank You

    • Sachmet

      May 19, 2011

      Hi Tracy,

      I just stumbled across your comment and I just have to write a quick answer because, honestly, I find your comment just a trifle strange.
      So, if I got you right, your husband is willing to come back to you when you redefine your relationship on a dom/sub or master/slave basis (which are, as a little bird told me, two different things). Well, first of all, these are both aspects of BDSM, so you placed your questions to a somewhat wrong audience. Let me just say this.
      There are no answers to your questions. How a couple defines its dom/sub etc. relationship is a highly subjective thing and will differ from couple to couple. There are no absolute truths here. These relationships take a lot of work and a lot of talking and a lot of trial and error until you and your husband arrive at a concept that works for both of you and you are both happy with. In this process you (or rather your husband when he is the dominant person in the relationship) will define how you greet him when he comes home, if you have to ask for his permission for visiting a friend etc.
      So I suggest you read a few more books and Websites, maybe you can find a forum or a group of people who are also into this kind and relationship and can give you (you and your husband) tips and inspiration and you talk, talk, talk to your husband about what he wants and what and to what extend you could give this to him. If your husband is not able or willing to talk, talk, talk and clearly voice his wishes and ideas then, I am afraid, he is not the right person for such a relationship and should kiss this idea goodbye.

      Sorry, if you do not find my comment helpful but what I wanted to say is this: A dom/sub or master/slave relationship is a learning process that always involves both partners. You cannot do it alone. It is good when you read about it and get as many informations as you can. But in the end, only your husband can answer the questions you have. The two of you have to work this out. And you have to be aware that failure is absolutely possible.

      • Tracy

        May 19, 2011

        Thank You so much for your reply…..my husband didnt say he would come back if i did this,he told me to think and make sure this is something i can give him,he said it would be 24/7…he has given me alot of reading to do and thats all i have been doing…i dont think,i know this is what i want to do for him/us…your right in everything you said,about me talking to him and asking what he wants out of me,because its only him who know…..i did ask him what he wants me to call him..he said “sir”..so i got that answer…and i did get answers from him on the other questions…anyway i thank you

        • Sachmet

          May 20, 2011

          I am glad if I was able to help a little. And I wish you (and your husband) all the best for your future, whatever it might have in store for you.

    • Candy

      February 23, 2013

      Sounds like he has a low or damaged ego and needs a “slave” wife to boost it.

  • jayla

    May 17, 2011

    A wise woman once told me that a man wants a woman to give him amazing sex, and a home cooked meal. Also, men know that when a woman opens up about herself he becomes closer to her mentally therefore he can sweet talk her until she feels attached to him, and when women feel attached then the sex could come easier………… At the end of the day it is all about SEX and what you can do in the kitchen. Please don’t sugar coat the ideology about submissiveness.

    • Max

      July 27, 2011

      Jayla you are right,its also what you do in the rest of the house and when your man gets home,like surviving his meal just in a apron.etc

  • CowBoy

    May 16, 2011

    I am a 21 year old male and I have been learning a lot about my emotions over the last year! What I have came to understand is more or less what you have described in this article! I learned about myself that I enjoy the company of a petite woman because I love the feeling of protection over her and I love it when a female asks me for help because it does make me feel needed and not just wanted and yes there is a strong difference between the two. The more she opens up to me the more she has me hooked and I want to be part of her life. When she starts to shut me out I get mean and bitter because my feeling of need and want from her is being lost in her actions. At that point I really don’t care to be around her. There is a difference between submission and dominance and the couple can play both roles together as long as they know when to play the roles at the appropriate time and place. I will follow a woman any day that has had no experience with a child over a male that has had non because she has that feminine touch. On the other had I will follow a male into a war zone because we can control our emotions better then a female in that environment and you described this is your article about the different emotions! Over all this is a excellent Article and I believe there is so many females out there that should read this to get a better understanding why most men these days are the way they are towards them and why most relationships in my age group does not work out these days! Thank you :)
    A side note on my last comment. Don’t give in to him completely but don’t make him work so hard that he just wants to give up! Let him in slowly and the more you let him in the more interested he becomes and wants to be a part of you! Its that old term hook line and sinker! The more you give into the male the more he wants to be around but don’t give in so much that he walks all over you! Give him that feeling of need and want But give him the feeling that you are safe to take care of yourself when you go out with you girlfriends to a club that he can trust you not to be hanging and dancing with other males outside of anything more then a friendship! I will let a woman have male friends as long as its no more then that! I will let her dance with other guys as long as its just that and not the “dirty dancing” but the minute she shows that its turning more into friendly talk with him I get bitter and step in! Men get cheated on these days because they don’t show the woman proper treatment I.e respect caring loving compassion and then some females are just that cold “Bitch” as you described and then males its also the same way females don’t show some just the same level as we show them and then you have them cold “Assholes” But this is just a side note lol :)

  • Jaye

    May 7, 2011

    I am new to this and found the article answered questions I didn’t even think to ask. The section on accepting uncertainty gave me a way to deal with what is tormenting me now. I even found ways to build trust and move forward without losing myself. This is my first time wanting a master and not just any master. He swept me off my feet. There is nothing more wonderful than making love with him and when we swing together, we are a beautiful, passionate team to watch. He pulled my necklace to draw me to him and I decided I was all in! Thank you again. Xoxo

  • Bathory68

    March 30, 2011

    I cannot believe I finally found an article that is a reflection of how I feel about submission. I was raised Mormon…in a very sexist environment. I reacted partially by becoming a militant manhating lesbian. As i grew older and evolved, I came back to my original intended self…I have always been submissive and pleasing by nature. I enjoy servitude and the joys of letting go to another. I think giving these qualities is a gift of authenticity not being less than, dumber, weaker…It took alot of self actualization to learn myself and balance…to rid myself of the adaptedcself and embrace the entirety of the woman I am…which is a successful, intelligent, strong woman who appreciates both men and women…and who gets a profound sense of joy from a man I love and who I am submissive to. I used to think I had to fight or do everything on my own. I thought sub
    ission required passive aggression and manipulation which seemed dishonest…submission as described in this article and as experienced by the giver and reciever through lovecand admiration is beautiful, rewarding, and creates a very sweet degree of intimacy.

    • healthwise

      May 19, 2011

      Good article. All relationships must be based on mutual love, trust, equality, respect, and most of all, forgiveness. Submissiveness does not mean unequal in the decision making process or not respecting you. It is important to remember (for married couples) that the only exception to the first part of this rule is when a final decision must be made (after much discussion and thought) on a very important issue. This is the only time a woman should allow (trust) her man to be the tiebreaker and then he takes total responsibly for that decision. Please keep in mind that everyone is not perfect, so mistakes can happen. When it does we must be willing to forgive (ourselves or others) and move on with life…

  • female intuition

    February 5, 2011

    get to know ur man openly without mind games….and change the way u think then u will change the way u act,,interact with others,,,,so this way these dilemas wont even be a dilema with ur husband,,becuse both of u are honest with 1 another,,,and ur selves..

  • Catherine

    January 14, 2011

    Another great article. And this ‘The happiness and freedom you are able to experience in your life now, and in the future is in DIRECT PROPORTION to the level of UNCERTAINTY you can comfortably handle.’So true…

    Thank You for being such a wonderful woman!

  • Kaye

    January 13, 2011

    I love this article. I’ve alway striven to be more feminine and your insights have been very helpful in my understanding of what that means.

  • Julia

    January 9, 2011

    I recently found your blog and have been reading through as much of it as I can. I find much of what is written here to be insightful and relevant. Thank you for taking the time write all this.

    My one issue with this particular post is – “Lots of women actually subconsciously push their men to do terrible things to them”

    I have a HUGE problem with this one sentence. Emotional or physical abuse is NEVER an acceptable reaction regardless of what the other party has done.

    OK, I got that off my chest and I feel better now.

  • twinkle

    October 24, 2010

    Larry is right–even in High School, the boys don’t have to try to ask the girls out THE GIRLS ASK THE BOYS OUT, and they even do things guys did, like pay for dinner, etc. Larry, if you have a son, please teach him to be a man.

  • Larry

    October 21, 2010

    Shai, the key is to find people who are Men, not guys. There is, sadly, a shortage of those in modern America.

    Not all guys are worth such surrender, that’s true. Focus on making yourself worth them, and when a Man who is worth you will find you when he’s ready.

  • Shai

    October 21, 2010

    Hey Rennee. Ive tried applying your advice in most of your posts, but somtimes i can’t help but feel as if i surrender to a guy all they will do is hurt me. Every single guy i have been with has cheated or lied to me. I just can’t seem to trust any guy with my heart because im afraid he will do the same as all the others. Im so lost and don’t know what to do. Sometimes i feel like i may never find a guy worth it and that i don’t deserve it :/

  • Kira

    October 9, 2010

    Surrendering is the most amazing thing that a woman can do for herself as well as for a man. This post reminds me of my grandfather in many ways when I was younger. I remember when he got upset with me, he’d yell a bit (10 seconds maybe) and I’d back up a little, startled, and all of a sudden his eyes and voice would soften and he’d go from frustrated to humble and tell me that he only yells at me because he loves me and that he doesn’t want anything bad happening to me. We shared a tight bond, him and me, and I looked up at him like he was the whole world because at the time, he was. He’s smart and knowledgeable, always telling me about the alligators and crocodiles in the pond and to run crisscross if one ever chased after me. He taught me how to swim and he listened to me play piano (The only thing I liked about piano was when it came time to play for him) There was also talk about the trees and he’d point at them and tell me the names of each one. He talked about airplanes (he used to be in the air force). It’s endless, he was the father figure I never had and his opinion, even to this day remains important to me and I don’t ever want to let him down.
    Thinking back on it, I think that’s the way any relationship with a man should feel like. It was safe, and it was trusting, just two people sitting in a boat enjoying the wonders of life together.

  • Sachmet

    September 30, 2010

    Hello Eva,

    I totally understand your problems with the “contradiction” of being strong and submissive. The problem is, strength comes in many forms and many people only recognise and accept the form(s) they understand and live themselves. Those people will dismiss anything else as weak. So when you submit to your man (now and then), there will always be people who will call this weak. Though only because they cannot see/recognize/accept the strength your submission is based on does not mean that this strength does not exist. (Does this make sense?)

    I think it depends on why you submit to your man if you are strong or weak.
    When you submit out of strength then it is your choice to do so and you could also choose not to submit in the same moment. It feels natural and right and you trust your man and your instincts. You do not lose your self-confidence or self-esteem. You still know who you are and what you are worth and that you are not an inferior person because you let your man lead. If need be you could go back to leading yourself at any time.
    When you submit out of weakness than your man is more like a crutch you have to lean on because you cannot find the strength or courage to lead yourself. You would not be able to function without him because you have no confidence in yourself. He has to be strong on your behalf.

    I think the same applies to dominance. People can dominate out of strength or weakness. The strong ones will see your submission as a gift to treasure and they will also accept and love you when you just do not feel like submitting today. They will act with your best interest at heart, not take advantage of you and recognize the responsibility they have when you submit to them. They will also admit and apologize when they messed up or freely accept when something is beyond their abilities and strength.
    The weak ones will pressure you into submission because their self-confidence depends on dominating and leading you and crumbles noisily when you refuse to play this role. They will regard submissiveness as weakness because they need it to mask their own weakness and feel strong and important. But in fact they are rather rigid and stiff than strong and burdened with insecurities.

    Eva, why don’t you ask your guy friend what he meant when he said that you are a strong person? He might be able to give you a few examples and maybe you find that his and your idea of strength did not match at all and that this is the reason for your confusion.

    • Jaye

      May 7, 2011

      Thank you for spelling it out so clearly. You wrote exactly what I have been trying to figure out. I wont go into my situation except to say, this comment hits home.

      • Sachmet

        May 11, 2011

        You are very welcome, Jaye!

  • Larry

    September 24, 2010

    Eva, strong and feminine are not at all contradictory. There can be a great deal of strength in femininity, but it is different from masculine strength. Trying to have masculine strength is contradictory with femininity, but that’s a different thing.

    Be strong enough to surrender to your man, not weak enough to surrender to your man. You’ll make both of you happier.

  • Eva

    September 22, 2010

    Dear Renee, I’m reading your blog almost in a daily basis and now I would like to ask something. Can a feminine woman be strong? One of my guy friends said me yesterday that I am a strong person and he has always liked me for this. Which is good I guess, but I am not really sure is it feminine or not to be strong.
    Or in other words being submissive and being strong is two opposite things?

  • P

    August 26, 2010

    Just want to say thank you Renee!
    it’s been my great joy to have come to know you.

  • Emily

    June 24, 2010

    Wow, it is wonderful to read these articles AND the wonderful support that we give each other on here! Truly a feminine space ;) Any way, as usual I enjoyed this article very much because it is another article that shows women that we need to get back to who we are: feminine goddesses.

    We need to love ourselves, each other, and our men. We are living in tumultuous times, and good feminine women are the answer really, if you think about it.

    To all my lovely doves across the globe, thanks for your input on this site and just be beautiful, feminine and free!

  • stefanie

    June 24, 2010

    To ‘clever idiot’, in case you are still going to read this. I am sorry for all that you’ve been through. It must have been lonely, not being able to talk to your family about it. However I do have a few pointers for you!
    First, you need to realize that abusive men tend to have a preference for not just submissive women, but the combination of submission and low self-esteem. These two combine into a big red sign on your forehead that says “YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH IT”. And they can see straight through any hostile/controlling act. So the most important thing is to work on your self-esteem. There are many self-help books and courses in counseling and other resources available. Because really, everyone deserves to be loved!
    A submissive nature in combination with a healthy dose of self-respect attracts a masculine man who will want to attract you. In combination with low self-esteem, it will attract abusers. A dominating personality will attract submissive men – but the majority of men aren’t submissive in their essence, so you will most likely be left with a man who is afraid to be himself, or who will resent you. Or with a truly submissive man, who would rather have a dominatrix.
    Submission should be a choice – a conscious choice, out of love and (justified) trust. It’s not submission if you submit because it’s the only thing you know. It’s not submission if you are too scared to assert yourself.
    Anger and fear and resentment are all acids that damage the vessel it contains more than whatever it is thrown at. You cannot flourish within your walls. So come out of that cocoon, as slowly and carefully as you wish, and experience love and life to the fullest!
    Hope that helped :)

    And Patrick – you are awesome, you sound so happy :D Good for you!

  • Patrick

    June 22, 2010

    Wow! Every American woman needs to read this website. I agree that it helps a relationship for a woman to be a little submissive to her man because to do otherwise is to challenge her man, which is NOT feminine. When she challenges him she pushes him away. He loses instinctual desire for her because she is now a challenger. That’s not to say she shouldn’t provide input or have an equal say. She should. But she should do it in a way so as not to challenge but to inform, to help. The woman is no doormat, no way! A stupid man will not appreciate this woman and she will leave him. A smart man will honor and cherish her and treat her like his queen, his goddess. And when he makes love to her he will want to dominate her in bed (at least I do!) and WORSHIP her body with his. I’m sorry if I’m stepping over the line but my woman’s femininity (which includes “appropriate” submissiveness) is rewarded by total devotion, commitment and I worship her body every chance I get because she is so feminine I am powerless to resist her. I MUST make love to her constantly. Oh, sorry again. :) She’s attractive but her femininity and the way she carries herself, not to mention that she is a nice person, has transfixed me to her. No other woman compares, none!

  • Clever Idiot

    May 20, 2010

    I found your blog today and browsed through a few posts-I have to say it’s quite interesting and insightful!

    But I’ve noticed a lot the use of this talk of women feeling they have to ‘put up a front’ of a ‘steel mask’ to hide how intense their emotions on rejection/hurt etc are (eg-”Our feminist society has encouraged women to keep their guard up, wear masks (instead of being comfortable in their feminine core/essence), be ‘right’ all the time, chase ’success’, put their men after their ‘careers’, and be like steel in the face of conflict.”)

    The problem is, I unfortunately feel this VERY deeply because:
    -I’ve been cheated and hurt and used many times in past relationships (and I couldn’t tell anyone about it, because in our culture we do not date)
    -This is a sensitive issue, but I come from an Eastern family with the ‘women should be seen and not heard’ mentality, even though we live in the UK-as a consequence any opinions me and my mother give fall on deaf ears on the male members of our family, and they feel it fit to abuse us emotionally/physically and so on (No wonder I want to move away for uni haha :P)

    As a consequence, I went through the stage of wanting to be more ‘masculine’ and ‘in control’ and stereotyping all men as controlling etc-I know of course now that this isn’t the case. I am fed up of these feelings of resentment and putting up a wall (eg-if someone compliments me, I get edgy as to what their ulterior motive is and always fight with them) and I need a way to change this-I KNOW I need to change! But how?!

    It is all very well to suggest we need to ‘leave our masks’-but how?! I was wondering if you had posted any concrete solutions on the matter-eg certain steps to take? This isn’t a criticism on your part of course, but I am very lost and need a lot of guidance on this!

    (PS-Sorry this post is so long, but I have bottled up these feelings for a long time and am currently in a relationship *I’ve known him for 2 years, and it’s been ‘more than friends’ for about 1 year* where he loves me and plans on marriage, but I’m afraid these feelings could affect it! How do I ‘let go’ of these hurt feelings so I can love him unconditionally in return?)

    Thank you, take care, and sorry to be a bother about this! =

  • Ms Summer

    May 2, 2010

    So I am gradually making my way through your articles, and I can’t believe all the inner strength and beauty literally radiating from them! That is so great Renee, you gave me a whole new perspective on things. Just by your style one can conclude that feminine can never equal weak:) Amazing!

  • Larry

    April 2, 2010

    What far too many forget is that letting go ad surrendering requires strength. A lot of it. And these days, given how un-PC it is for a woman to do so, it requires even more.

    Some of the strongest women I’ve known are those who are submissive and surrendered to the man in their life.

  • Jasmine

    March 23, 2010

    Oh yeah, those women…I remember going on their website and feeling very, very upset. Renee, remember that email I sent you, where I was really struggling with criticizing, negative women? Yeah, it was right after I’d discovered this “feministing” site.><

  • Renee

    March 21, 2010

    Oh Stephanie :)

    Unfortunately, bad/negative news travels a lot faster, and gains more supporters quicker than good news.

    And, I’m not sure whether their aggression helps the situation that they’re wanting to fight for.

  • Stephanie

    March 20, 2010

    Renee, I watched a bit of the FFFU anti-choicers video, and I got so upset that I couldn’t even watch the whole thing. And I read the comments section – I wanted to cry! I can’t believe there’s so many people who are so in support of these heartless radical feminists!
    I feel so mad right now…

  • Denise

    March 18, 2010

    Hi Renee. Your site has been invaluable to me as I trudge through divorce after a 12 year relationship. I’ve never considered myself feminine, but as I incorporate your thoughts in my personal growth, I have noticed a distinct difference in the way men respond.

    My question is: it seeems that men want a confident woman, one who is not needy or clingy. But at the same time, I’ve heard that men do not want a woman who can “kill her own snakes”. Is there a difference? I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for your time.

  • Douglas

    November 23, 2010

    It’s not that men do not want a woman who can “kill her own snakes” but that men are best treated as though they can be relied on to do so.

    For those who live where there are no snakes, think spiders. Of course you can get rid of a spider yourself but unless your man has a real phobia, just ask him to do it instead (then thank him nicely, of course).