5 Reasons Why Women Shouldn’t Deprive their Man of Sex

Hi I came across this whilst looking for help for my v v low sex drive finding it in a mens forum about a guy whos gf had a low sex drive and here just like on that web page was lots of things hard to swallow! I am not a bad girlfriend i love my boyfriend a LOT, we connect in every which way and god i love him so so much and i fancy him so much and when we do we have fantastic sex, however i now have the dreaded low sex drive. i find reading the above horrifying, i am doing everything i can do to try and increase my sex drive and reading this makes it sound like i should lay back and take it like a woman because its my duty if i dont i am a bad girlfriend and that kind of pressure i know isnt helping. i have been told this my whole life from my mother and i’ve just about had it, i want more than anything to be one of these sexually charged women and i even try to mastubate every day as apparently that helps but nothings happening. i just wish there were people out there that were less you have to do this, you have to do that. why cant we both do something?? it is a relationship afterall. i dont want to loose my boyfriend over something like this as i have lost two previous boyfriends before and i am 24, this cant be normal. i just wish that there were some techniques or something because after about a month of not wanting sex just like my previous relationships i am now beginning to be scared of kissing my boyfriend and when he puts his hand on my leg i freak out, we had a great sex life at the beginning and now he cant even touch me and i hate it.

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Sorry my post was aimed at Amother mans point of view

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@A Mans point of view, I am a 28 year old female who couldn’t agree more with your posts! I am currently in a very happy and loving relationship that is mutually respectful and committed.

I feel that we are very lucky to have a deeply exciting and satisfying sex life, I truly am in love with my Fiance. We are open about our fantasies and desires and go above and beyond to please each other. We make love daily at least once. Often we spend hours exploring and pleasuring each other in any way imaginable and other times we do the “quickie” often initiated by me. I have pulled him in to the bathroom when people have been around more than once to give him quick oral release, I even have fun trying to see just how quickly I can make him climax, it takes him by suprise and thrills him every time, which in turns satisfies me. When we return to our company there are knowing smiles between us. I feel like it is a quick way to increase closeness and intimacy. In the evening we often spend much time exploring each other and he is a very giving lover.
He treats me like his princess. If women could just let go of their inhibitions and misconceptions about sex, simply let themselves go and enjoy pleasuring their man in every way, they would find as I have that emotional bonding would strengthen and he in turn would do anything he can to please her.
Of course theres more to it than sex, my Fiance and I waited 5 months before we became intimate, so we knew we had a deep emotional connection, and this is a good way for a woman to protect her heart (although 5 months may be a little extreme) I feel so excited about our sexual adventures in the future. I have a man who is attentive and affectionate, he works hard, looks after me any way he can and respects me. He deserves to know how utterly gorgeous and sexy I find him and how I cannot resist him! I know his ex had a very prudish attitude and a low sex drive, and this did affect his confidence over time and his feelings of attraction towards her.
Bravo on your comments!

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To my fellow man above, you explained yourself very well in all your posts, and there is nothing wrong with what you said. Women can enjoy a quickie as much as a man. In fact I remember reading an article by a woman who said she prefered a quickie to long foreplay and love making. It’s a personal prefernce. Whether the sex is satisfying doesn’t depend on the length of the act. Just because it’s short doesn’t mean there is no emotion, emotional connection etc. On the contrary, the desire to ripe each others clothes off and do it right there is a sign of passion.

Anyways, you have no need to apologies. Allie just doesn’t get it (maybe it’s a language thing, she’s obviously not a native english speaker. But in my opinion you were clear enough for that not to be an issue.) She didn’t take anything you said on board, it’s like talking to a wall. Anyways, take care.

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I started out writing a very long reply, and then I decided that it really wasn’t worth it. This discussion is interesting, because it shows how different our points of view are.

The problem is that we both have very set preconceptions, and they’re contradictory. I believe that, and in my experience this is the truth, that women can have very enjoyable and satisfying sex without *physical* foreplay. (I think that’s where we lost each other, actually, by the way. When I say “without foreplay” I don’t mean that there’s nothing going on….all I mean is that it’s purely mental, not physical.) This is backed up by personal experiences of women initiating the kind of sex that I was talking about originally, even when I wasn’t terribly in the mood for it: I wasn’t the one pushing things.

I’m not saying foreplay isn’t important. It is. Overall, for both men and women I think it’s generally the most satisfying and emotionally close part of sex. However, think about something: is orgasm important to sex? Considering that the male orgasm, at least, is essential to the act as far as procreation goes, and if everything’s going well there’s no reason that shouldn’t be happening for her, too, I’d say it’s pretty importnat. Does that mean it’s not possible to have satisfying and enjoyable sex without orgasm as either a man or a woman? Of course not….all you have to do is change some preconceptions about how sex is supposed to work.

The kind of sex I was talking about at the beginning involved two people who were already in the mood, and highly aroused. Depending on what you’re doing, this could have been purposeful, due to teasing or conversation, or it could have been simply and accident of mutual libido. The reality is that when there are practically sparks flying foreplay can kill the mood, you want each other *now*. That’s not a “male” thing, no matter how much you think it is.

All I was trying to do was to get you to consider that there isn’t just one right way to have sex, and that exploring all of those different ways is much of the point. There can be sex without foreplay, and there can be sex which never gets past foreplay, there can be sex which is mutually satisfying, or there can be sex where one partner isn’t sexually aroused at all, but is instead deriving pleasure from that of their partner, (again, this goes both ways….but I personally believe that in a truly intimate relationship your partners pleasure is as important if not more so than your own, and that it is sometimes even better for the “giver” than the reciever) and everything in between.

The fact is, you believe women to be incapable of enjoying sex without physical foreplay. I think you disrespect your gender by saying that.

An interesting study was done on men that visited prostitutes (perhaps the furthest extension of the “3-min pump”, sex without any emotional involvement or mutual pleasure) which found that virtually all of the men were left feeling unsatisfied. When asked about it, it was basically found that the lack of partner enjoyment was the major factor.

Admittedly, that’s not something I’ve ever tried. However, one of my earliest partners caused a similar experience. I was in the mood, and she wasn’t, but we ended up having sex anyways. It was probably the single most unsatisfying experience I’ve ever had, and for exactly that reason. You can’t be emotionally close to someone like that, and at least for me it’s impossible to enjoy yourself without knowing your partner is also enjoying the experience….this even applies with oral sex. If your partener doesn’t genuinely enjoy giving you pleasure, then it will never be satisfying. Sex should never be a chore, a bargaining chip, or a weapon.

What I’ve been talking about is different. It’s hard to describe, and I’m pretty sure I’ve failed yet again, but I know I personally can tell the difference. As a guy, if you’re the one who has to initiate the sex (in cases like this) you’re probably doing it wrong. Kinda ended up writing a fair bit anyways, but I’m sure you don’t mind. I prefer to discuss things without the irritation, and I probably took your original post more personally than I should have, but you’ve gotta be honest….you did just call what I’d been talking about a “teenagers view of sex” which was hardly….well, I’m sure you know what I mean.

By the way, thanks for using paragraphs. It does make it waaaay easier to read.

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There was no personal attack nor personal name calling in my original nor the ones after. Why get so angry to what one person said on a blog? The male gender is in no danger from me so you have no need to waste energy putting up a defense. Your anger may be general anger towards women because of sexual frustration. Your view of sex seems to be that when you please your partner you are not getting your needs met. If that is the case then you have to communicate your lack of satisfaction with your partner. If you would like to get off quickly why not a bj, it does not require the warm up of vaginal sex, you get your needs met, your partner gets the pleasure of making you happy in a way that is not uncomfortable for her, and the intimacy of mutually satisfying sex is maintained. No one feels used, both are participants. With a 3-min pump the woman just hold still till he finishes I guess.
I stated an opinion that is mine and that’s the end of it, I have no fight with you, in fact I wish you would just not get so upset, there is no danger to anyone in what I said.
I was irritated that on a blog encouraging woman to be more sexually responsive and giving that there would be a man proposing that that slam-bam-not even thank you mam, should be on the giving menu. I understood that the point of the blog was to encourag women to be more sensitive to the sexual needs of their SO and the importance of sex to the connectedness in a relationship. I felt your comment showed that you missed the point entirely, the 3-min sex you describe engenders no intimacy for man or woman, in my opinion. Maybe some women would allow a man a 3-min pump but she will most likely have feelings of being used and be resentful. I think that would be a natural human emotion, under the circumstances.
Denying mutually satisfying sex has no place in a committed long-term relationship. As a woman, approaching sex as a as an act of giving to my SO is appealing to me because I am submissive. I should say I am submissive to a man I trust to love me in the way I need, not to use me as a pumping station, not ever.
I am sure you have had more experience than I have had and may actually have had or have a partner where this is acceptable, if so how do handle it, better yet, how does she handle it? If it is a fantasy for you I can only say communicate with your partner to make sure it is ok.

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My apologies if my tone was a little negative, but you set it, not I. To be honest, I was the one shocked by the tone of your original comment.

You basically said that the idea of occasional sex without foreplay made you sick. Then, you moved on to personal attacks by calling any man that believes in that an immature teenager. Then you blamed most if not all sexual problems on “male selfishness.” You also called men “self-centered” if they occasionally expected sex tailored to meet their needs instead of their partners’.

I’ll be honest, when I replied to your comment I was having a rather bad day, and I probably snipped at you a lot more than I would have otherwise, but I was hardly the one to start being negative. I threw one “personal attack” which hardly even deserved the name out of irritation and you complain about it, after having attacked me personally, and stereotyped my entire gender. There’s only one word that really comes to mind for that, and though it’s not particularly insulting I’ll resist using it.

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AMPOV why did you feel it was necessary to call me an idiot. I wrote an opinion that reflects my experiences, I did not think that it would get the intensity of your post. This is just a blog and strangers write what they write. None of this should garner personal attacks. I don’t even remember the content of your post. I am certain you made some good points that I may have wanted to give my perspective but your tone was too negative. Have a good day.

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Should have spell checked that. sex drive**

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As a woman, I agree with Another Man’s Point Of View’s.. point of.. view.

I agree with what he has to say. Better?

Sometimes, I want sex just for sex. Foreplay is not always a necessity, nor should it be, so it’s not just a man’s opinion on that one.

Initiator, I wish I had the confidence to initiate sex more often. I do much prefer when my partner starts things, though, but I have not yet had a partner who did not like it when I occasionally did make the first move. I’m not sure if I’m lucky for that or not. I’m so shy that its difficult for me, but I feel like I’m letting them down if I don’t do so every now and then. If I had a partner with a healthy sex rive who always wanted to initiate.. I doubt I’d have too much of a problem with it though, with the way I am.

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@Allie

Sorry, forgot to put this in the first post. Again, not trying to be an ass or anything, but next time….please try to use paragraphs, even if the breaks are a bit random like mine. It makes it way easier to read, especially when responding.

@Initiator

Thank you for understanding an important point: Spontaneous sexuality is something both genders can have, and both genders should respect. Any guy who would throw away a woman who was comfortable with all aspects of her sexuality doesn’t deserve her, and vice versa.

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@Allie

Um…no. For starters, did I say that’s how sex should always be?….no. Did I say that those “frills” were worthless?….no. Did I say that they aren’t important?….no. If simply having it pointed out to you that there are many different kinds of sex, *all* of which deserve their own degree of respect is enough to make you sick, you’re the one who needs to grow up.

Why do you make the assumption that if a man doesn’t spend most of the sex act attending to a woman’s needs that he’s “using” her? Who’s really selfish, a man who enjoys the type of sex described once in a while, or a woman who expects her partner to always conform to the type of sex which is best for her, despite the fact that it’s not what’s best for him.

Secondly, you’re an idiot. I apologize, but I had to say it. I NEVER said that mutual satisfaction isn’t important. Let’s repeat that here: Mutual satisfaction is important! However. In every relationship there is give and take. It’s not going to go in an accounting book, nor should it, but the sexual needs of *both* parties must be respected. I only mentioned that particular example because it’s a particularly rare one. Men often become frustrated with constant expectations that they attend to their partners needs, without any consideration about what feels best for them.

How does sex without foreplay equal her “servicing” him? (I’ll resist going off on a tangent about how disgusted I am with your terminology.) I can think of several times within relationships where, to be honest, I wasn’t particularly in the mood and she was. I wasn’t the one looking for sex, nor did I initate it. Despite that, those were extremely intense experiences, largely *because* of the lack of buildup. To take the moment to make a point, who was “servicing” who, exactly? I certainly wasn’t in the mood, though admittedly I ended up there pretty quickly.

I think you should hesitate before defining what sex is like “to a women.” Clearly you’ve limited your own sexuality to one specific form of intercourse, and in doing so you’ve shut yourself out from what sex has to offer for both men and woman. Anyone who would make such a cavalier statement about how sex is all the same and must go a certain way for one gender is *clearly* misinformed.

As much as I despise mudslinging in all it’s forms, I’m compelled to speak my mind. Personally, I get the feeling that you were in a relationship with someone who really did think the way you’re talking, that a woman in his life was basically a living masturbation aid. I pity you for that, and hopefully some day you’ll be with someone who has a more mature perspective on sexuality. However, to draw conclusions about all men, and to go off on a tirade about a comment that was only used to illustrate a point because of that is ridiculous. I would never disrespect my partner, and I would never neglect her needs, but that doesn’t mean I’ll neglect mine either. Sex can range from sensual, slow, with foreplay lasting hours to short, abrupt and hurried, lasting only minutes. Anyone who neglects either of those, or any of the possibilities in between is misusing, despising, and spitting on the wonderful gift we’ve been given.

I hope this has made sense to you, and I do check back to this page once in a while. I apologize if I’ve come across with a little much vitriol, but I can’t help but be irritated by people who do what you do, attack, attack, attack any man who has an opinion, without actually thinking about what might be meant, or considering the possibilities.

Thanks for taking the time to read through this, rather long again….sorry.

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I’ve met quite a few men that think women initating sex is desperate, or is something that women shouldn’t do. The reason why I encountered these men is b/c I’m a woman who has no problem initiating it.

Then again, these men were the types that enjoyed putting their partner down, or just were very old-fashioned.

If a woman was rejected (so what? Everybody gets rejected), my ex would love to make fun of it. Plus, some people lose interest once they get something that they want. People get more excited over something they can’t have.

But, maybe I just haven’t been lucky enough to find a man that respects my sexuality as it is! I would hate to be some quiet wallflower waiting for the guy to come (this is what my exes demanded that I do).

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“They also like a woman to initiate sex, especially without her adding a bunch of extra bits or obligations to it. Zero to sixty and back again in just a few minutes….no foreplay, just hot, passionate sex, then back to whatever was going on. We might enjoy foreplay just as much as women do, but we don’t always need it.”
That’s the problem isn’t it. I read things like this soany tes it makes me sick. This is the kind of sex this man wants which is all about servicing him. Little does he know that this is a teenagers view of sex with a woman not a mature man, it a porn dream – the ever willing sex objects who appears and disappears with out making any demands only egged to service and go back on the shelf. If this is what you want in a longterm relationship it is no wonder you are unhappy. If you want your partner to understand your need for sex then you will have to understand that this is not the type of sex that women find fulfilling it good for you because you get a quick orgasm no work no bother but why do you think you a womans body should be at your beck and call. This is a prime reason men are denied sex – they mistakenly beleive that their wives should releive them and find the so called frills as a bother. The frills or foreplay that men consider a waste of there time on the way to their orgasm IS sex to a women – if you don’t want that then why come to your wife, you can do that on your own. That is just the answer you get from your wife when you propose this, it amounts to using your wife as an object to ejaculate into. Sorry but if you need that kind of releif you don’t need another human for that. I am glade that most women have the common sense to stop having sex with men who have no interest in mutual satisfaction. No she does not have to show her love by no strings servicing – she is your wife not a thing you pull off the shelf. The problem is not women it’s male selfishness. This blog will not help self centered men with no clue of what women need sexually, it’s for men who are interested in mutual satisfaction. You want to be serviced you will be looking long and hard for a women who wants to do that, what would be in it for her, are you that wonderful of a man? You may think so but then that may be your problem. Go back and read a book about what women need before searching for ways to get sex with no frills.

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@ ixlnxs: Reading about your situation has saddened me. I hope you and your wife can work things out. As for the end of the rope thing: maybe it’s time to just put the rope down?

Your comment about living under a bridge sexless and preferring that over being in a relationship sexless is testament to just how important sex is in a relationship. To most people, really. Not just to men.

Thanks for sharing.

Renee.

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“Maybe she has stopped wanting to have sex because she does in fact NOT admire him anymore”

Then she should woman up and tell him so he can go on with his life.

“BTW I object to the outdated concept that if a women won’t satisfy him he will cheat. The rate at which women cheat is about at the male rate and increasing so if he does not make her happy then she is aslikely to cheat as he.”

It might be an outdated concept but it holds water. I “THINK” about cheating almost as much as I think about divorce. The only reason I haven’t left yet is because of my children. And of late I begin to think this isn’t doing them any favors as I am angry most of the time now. I no longer have any patiece with anyone. I have felt unloved, like she must be cheating, unwanted, undesirable. Basically I feel fairly lousy all the time. It effects my work, my home life.

Lets face it, I am on a blog prattling off things I wouldn’t say to anyone else in the world. And it sure isn’t because I’m happy in a sexless relationship.

As a single man I had more than a few wives walk through my door. Wives who felt they “deserved” better. And I often thought to myself it wasn’t these wives who deserved more or better but perhaps the husbands they left at home while they were out fulfilling their fanatasies or bolstering their egos.

Kind of at the end of my rope. I’ve tried hobbies to take my mind off of sex. Tried to meet the demands of helping around the house. Which got rather one sided when I was out working only to come home to a dirty house because my wife was in her thirteenth year of post partum depression and couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed before 3:25, minutes before I came home.

Nice column. Shame it is too late to help me. I love my wife and do not want to get divorced and will not cheat on her but something has to give. From the looks of things it will be me and our marriage. Because I would rather live under a bridge sexless than live in a relationship sexless.

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I appreciate Paullette’s comments and your article Renee. However, I don’t fully share your views. Often sex or more sex do not fix relationships, sex or lack of is the manifestation of what inner being, thoughts etc. I prefer to go to the root of the issue. E.g. Maybe she has stopped wanting to have sex because she does in fact NOT admire him anymore.

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Women are usually the ones that give and give in the relationship. We give the children, have major responsibility for their care, clean house, cook, and work full time. That’s the reality of modern living – there is a limit to what one can give if the givers resources are not replenished. The lack of sex in a marital relationship is seldom the falt of one person and is not so simple to solve by asking the women to give more. Relationships are too complex and the problems too multifactoral to assume a simplistic fix should come from one side of the equation. If a wife stops having sex with her husband when she is exhaused, gets not satisfaction from sex, feels that all the efforts that exhaust her are not appreciated, her efforts to satisfy her husband in the face of her exhausion is not appreciated, she may face undue pressure to perform acts she does not like, the sexual expectations are unrealistic on the part of the man I could go on and on. Men are fairly simple but life is not, the sexual abandone experienced in the pre children era of a relationship changes when life changes. The effects of marriage and children are most profoundly felt by women changes in body, hormones, brest feeding. Men do not have these changes but they need to adjust their lives and expectations in line with the realities of the new Mom and child.
There is seldom any support for the concept that sex changes for a variety of very good reasons in a relationship, it takes maturity and compasion to adjust. BTW I object to the outdated concept that if a women won’t satisfy him he will cheat. The rate at which women cheat is about at the male rate and increasing so if he does not make her happy then she is aslikely to cheat as he. It’s not right but there you are. The answer may be for each party to adjust expectations to meet the curent realities. Remember it’s not the sex act it’s the person your doing it with all desires cannot be satisfied in the relationship. Niether party is a porn star and is not required to duplicate the lastest porn film that has cought your fantasy. She is human not a collection of sex parts. Sex may be a way to connect but it involves another person besides yourself so both must be considered. Be satisfied with a reasonable amont of sex and ask if your desire for more and different acts has to do with your partner or the latest porn your watching.

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@ Another Man’s Point of View: my heartfelt thanks to you for such a wonderful, eloquent, well-thought-out and generous response.

Best of all, your explanation made a lot of sense.

I very much appreciate it, and no doubt my readers will too!

Thanks again

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I definitely liked the article, it’s nice to know that at least some people are taking the time to talk about this kind of stuff.

I noticed the comment “man’s point of view” and since he doesn’t seem to have come back to explain it a bit better, I figured I’d try to offer a bit of clarification.

First: Guys like seduction….lots. What we *don’t* like is feeling like we always have to initiate. Seduction’s fun because it’s almost like a chase, but after a few times it can start to feel like a chore. It’s fine, just not every time except right at the beginning of a relationship. Once in a while it’s nice to relax and let the women lead, while in seduction the man is still very much the initiator.

Second: I’d say he worded the comment about “no strings attached” very badly. I could be wrong, but I’d pretty much guarantee that the word he was really looking for is “spontaneous.” No major foreplay, no date, no windup, and no extended pillow talk afterwards. Just sex, without all the trappings that tend to accompany it. What I’m pretty sure he *doesn’t* mean is casual sex between acquaintances. As you’ve written several very well thought-out articles about, men seek sex for reasons that are often more emotional than anything else. Casual sex in that sense doesn’t satisfy those needs at all, really.

Basically, men like to not feel they have to be “pushing” for sex. They also like a woman to initiate sex, especially without her adding a bunch of extra bits or obligations to it. Zero to sixty and back again in just a few minutes….no foreplay, just hot, passionate sex, then back to whatever was going on. We might enjoy foreplay just as much as women do, but we don’t always need it.

….I just realized how absurdly long this comment ended up, and I apologize for that. Trying to clarify a bit isn’t really as easy as it looks. I hope despite it’s length you’ve found it informative and worth reading. Finally, a heartfelt “Thank you!” for taking the time to write about these things from me and probably pretty much every other man on the planet!

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Hi, good article. It is important for women to realise that you cannot use sex as a weapon

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what if your man doesnt seem interested in sex with you after you’ve had a baby, even when you try to seduce and initiate?

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Loved the article, I will be checking out more of your articles.

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Hi Sizeka

Most definitely. You can always start things over.

Relationships are hard work – but they’re also worth it, once you understand how to give yourself and understand the other person.

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i love your articles
i’m finding relationships a real hard work, lifetime of labour, i’ve missed the basics from start do you think there is a way we can start things over

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Hey Renee,

Love your articles : )

I want you to please do research and an article on waiting to have sex until your married. I’m interested in your perspective on this topic and the perspective of your male audience.

thanks,
love what you do,
J

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As a guy I think it’s true that you need balance, renee has a point. I wouldn’t want my girlfriend to wait for me to initiate sex all the time.

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I’m a man, and I respectfully disagree with Renee on the question about initiation. Seduction is fun with a woman with whom I haven’t already had sex more than a few times. What’s even better is a no strings attached quickie. Sometimes, when your man isn’t expecting or even thinking about sex, Aurora, just come up to him, and hop on. Or give him a blow job, and then go back to whatever you were doing before.

If you make an effort to please your man in this manner, he will return the favors. You’ll both be better for the effort. Whatever you do, don’t act like having sex with him is a chore.

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Renee Reply:
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:17 pm

Hello Man’s point of view!

What do you mean exactly? Are you saying that seduction gets boring or is no longer ‘fun’ with a woman you have been with a few times?
If that is the case, then why? Why is seduction no longer fun if you’ve had sex with her a few times before?

And, a ‘no strings attached quickie’? Are you referring to casual sex?

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Is it OK for the woman to initiate the sex? How often? Or is it more feminine to “seduce” , but not be the one who actually starts the act?

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Renee Reply:
March 2nd, 2010 at 2:03 pm

Hi there Aurora,

Sure it’s ok for a woman to initiate sex. It shows you are attracted to him. You can do both; seduce AND initiate. As long as you’re not picking him up and throwing him on the bed or anything There needs to be a balance. Still, I would lean more towards seducing most of the time as yes, this is, in the end – the more submissive act, but still initiate! Most men love women who can initiate sex.

Renee.

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Thanks Jasmine, you’re just so lovely!

And, Alyson – yes, this happens of course. The problem is often a lack of passion or polarity in a relationship.

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(Just so you know, I think there’s a typo here but I could be wrong, it sounded confusing – “…the woman is trying to do something, and the man asks her if he wants her to help – and she says no?” )

Thank you Renee. I loved this.

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What if the man is depriving the woman from sex?? True story! Lol!

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