5 Reasons Why Women Shouldn’t Deprive their Man of Sex

5 Reasons Why Women Shouldn’t Deprive their Man of Sex

1) The only difference between a friendship and a relationship is intimacy. If you have a sexless marriage or a sexless relationship, what are you? companions? best friends? If a couple doesn’t have much sex, then this generally means they lack passion, and that they could be more in love. There’s no such thing as losing the feeling of being in love. You just lose the ‘state’ of being in love, and you lose polarity/passion with your spouse.  You can be in love and have passionate sex way in to your old age. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man?”)

Yes, sex is not the only way to achieve intimacy, but it is one of the main and most important ways to achieve intimacy between a man and a woman. Not making sex a priority can cause your relationship to deteriorate. The passion dies out.

2) Women can go to their girlfriends, a counselor, a guy friend, a mother, father, relative, aunt, to connect and talk to people. Men don’t generally do this.

I’m not saying there aren’t men who DO call their guy friends up for a long chat about their feelings, problems and sex life, but this is not common.

Sex is one of the major and most important ways through which a man gets his needs of connection/love met. Men aren’t just asking for sex because it feels good (although that’s part of it too). (read my article about why men love blowjobs)

If a man loves his woman, he wants to have sex with her because he loves her and wants her to be open to him. This is one of the main ways in which a man expresses his love, and it is one of the major ways in which a woman can show and prove her love for her man (although by no means the ONLY way).

For a lot of men, his woman is the only place he can go to for connection and love. His woman is often the only source he has. Men have many challenges in the world – and it’s important that he has a woman who understands his needs. Of course – understanding a man’s needs is not about just giving him sex. Men have many other needs, too. But the issue of sex is one that many women struggle with.

And, the modern western world has been affected by the feminist movement which has given women the idea that they shouldn’t prioritize a man’s needs, and that includes not wanting to meet his sexual needs regularly. However, the man is still expected to meet her needs!

Your man’s needs are just as important as the needs of your children or the needs of your friends! At the end of it all – your man is the one you’re going to be left with. Children will grow up and leave. Friends will have their own lives. A sexless marriage or a sexless relationship can cause a man to become dejected and resentful, as with every rejection the negative association (with his wife or girlfriend) becomes stronger.

3) Let’s talk about masculine and feminine energy, which relates very, very closely to sex. The masculine energy is about releasing. The feminine energy is about filling up. I’ll say that again. The masculine energy wants to release and the feminine energy wants to fill up.Filling up is also very much about the emotional aspect of things.

The feminine energy has many ways to fill up – shopping, having sex, talking to girlfriends, connecting with pets, talking, listening, and much more. The masculine energy has many ways in which they can release, too – but men don’t generally think the way women do.

Gain understanding of how men thinks. Click here to take our popular program Understanding Men.

4) It feeds a man’s needs for love from his woman. I know a lot of women will want to lash out at me for saying this – but if two people are in a relationship, and the woman denies her man of sex, puts the children/career/girlfriends/other family first, then over time, this starts to build up negative associations within the man in relation to the woman, and makes him feel less like a man, less loved, less accepted – and this can (NOT always!) lead to cheating. (read my article about can a man be monogamous?)

Sex with a woman whom he loves fulfills a very deep need for love and acceptance within a man. If you’re not attracted to him enough in order to want to have sex with him, over time, he may start to feel less of a man – more like you don’t accept him as a man and that you’re not attracted to him. This is a painful thing to feel.

This is also one reason why men cheat. A lot of their emotional needs are met through sex!!

In The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It- licensed family counselor M. Gary Neuman studied hundreds of men who had cheated on their wives, in order to find out why they did.

His results show clearly that the main reason why men did cheat on their women was for emotional reasons. When asked what led to their cheating, the answers given by the men showed up as follows:

  • 48% – primarily emotional dissatisfaction
  • 32% – equal emotional and sexual dissatisfaction
  • 8% – primarily sexual dissatisfaction

This doesn’t mean women should be pressured in to having sex. Women and men (equally) need to work on creating passion, love and excitement with their spouse so that lack of sex will not be a problem, but rather – lack of free time, space or opportunity for it ;)a much healthier problem!!

5) I’ll be as frank as I can.

Never expect to just be loved and adored for who you are without having to put any effort and sweat in to anything. We are all enough – but you can never, ever - expect to have and keep the man of your dreams or to have a passionate lifelong, loving relationship where you’re worshipped and adored by your man for life if you do not give to him. It’s all about the standards you have for yourself.

And, it’s important to remember that women (and men) must give to their spouse in a way that their spouse can receive it! If you just give or express love to them in the way YOU think is best – but the other person doesn’t perceive love in this, then it’s very easy for that relationship to break down.

If you’re always thinking of yourself, and constantly quantifying what you get and give in your relationship (like that terrible, TERRIBLE sayingGive-and-take) you will never have and experience that amazing relationship that everyone dreams of and which everybody wants. (Click here to take the quiz “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook?”)

That’s all for now. Do you have any thoughts on this subject? Feel free to share them below. And, if you did like the article, let me know. Also, let me know if you hated it too :)

AND – if you want to understand more about men and sex, read my article ‘Why Men Love Blow Jobs‘.

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  • Gunwanti

    Reply Reply January 19, 2015

    My boyfriend didn’t talk to me please help me….
    We share everything with each other but suddenly now a days he started ignoring me….
    He never reply my call or sm…
    I know he loves me but he didn’t handle out everything…..
    Please help me….

  • Evangel

    Reply Reply January 16, 2015

    I DONT BELIEVE IN WITHHOLDING SEX AND IT IS NOT A TOOL TO MANIPULATE YOUR MAN!

    My man is not an intimate person. He doesn’t kiss me, doesn’t touch me (other than during sex) and doesn’t tell me he loves me. I feel the love from him but without the much needed intimacy from him, my desire to have sex has taken a serious plunge.

    That said – I am a very sexual person and love everything about it. I do not feel reciprocity but still, I made a promise never to refuse sex to my husband and he the same. Regardless of what’s going on, if he wants to have sex I want nothing more than to satisfy him. I love having sex with my husband though he does not fulfill me emotionally or intimately. I still know he loves me! He is one of those guys where nothing else is going on (on the side) with him but he has serious intimacy issues. Yes, it hurts like hell but that doesn’t mean I’ll compromise my values.

    The point is, two wrongs don’t make a right and someone has to love strong enough to nurture change and growth. My feeling is that if you feel like you need to withhold sex because you aren’t being fulfilled (in whatever way – not just sexually), then maybe it isn’t the right situation for either one of you.

  • Macro

    Reply Reply January 11, 2015

    I’ve had no sex for two years. My girlfriend after her pregnancy just refuses to be intimate with me.
    I consider myself a good father and I do a vast majority of the household chores. Our financials could be better but we’re certainly not on the breadline.
    She says she still loves me but whenever I try to talk to her about my needs (and her needs) it just breaks down into shouting.

    My girlfriend and I had a fantastic sex life before the pregnancy and it just suddenly stoped when she discovered she was pregnant. Our self life just stopped, it did not even have any sort of gradual decline. It’s like it was a sudden drop when everything was on a perfect high.

    Recently my state of mind has become very dark and all I feel right now is anger, bitterness, resentfulness, depression, fury, I can’t even watch films without the feeling of wanting to smash the tv whenever there is a sex scene. I also have dark thoughts towards my girlfriend and sometimes imagine smashing her face in, i sometimes draw pictures of her being tortured. I have started watching porn and masturbating more frequency than what would be considered normal. I never used to watch porn and now I feel even more sick and disgusted with myself, and as a result my resentment towards my girlfriend is increasing. All this is also effecting my work, I’ve been making all sorts of stupid mistakes.

    Despite all that I’m feeling a still love my girlfriend and I just want us to reconnect again and be happy for ourselves and our beautiful daughter. I know I cannot keep going on like this but I really do not want to cheat on her as its against my values. I want do do all I can to fix this, I just want the mental tools to do it.

    Now, please don’t mistake me as a violent person. I am not capable of hurting anybody at all and never will.
    Please note that I love my daughter very much and I am glad that she is here, I do not blame her in any way for my f##ked up state of mind (in fact she is the only thing in my life that is keeping me sane).
    All I have are lots of negative feelings inside me and I don’t know what to do.

    • Macro

      Reply Reply January 11, 2015

      Just to further add, I have tried exercise to try and channel this vortex of negative energy but I often come back even more angry from a jog than I was when I left.

  • Offended Reader

    Reply Reply January 8, 2015

    To be honest I found your article (men need more sex) offensive. As a woman you seem to not mention why some women refuse to have sex with their boyfriends or husbands. What if a woman doesn’t feel loved and isn’t emotionally fulfilled? For some women having someone give them non-sexual contact is just as fulfilling and is a sort of foreplay. It also means that yes they can have sex,but they wont it enjoyable because they arent emotionally fulfilled.
    I also saw this same question from a reader and instead of positive feedback she has to have a mental issue? Sometimes men don’t do what they have to do in order to get their lover into that frame of mind. Simple things such as not listening to her, constant groping, pressuring/thinking they are entitled to sex from their partner or etc can contribute to their lack of sex.
    I’m not writing this to insult you however, sometimes its best for you (as a man) to try to see a woman’s side of things. Some women understand sex is a physical way to connect with their men, but even fewer men show any emotional contact with their woman.

    • Marc Alone

      Reply Reply January 10, 2015

      This response comes from a man who has not had sex with his partner in three months: it hurts.

      You talk about sex as though it is something that women give to men. Like it is some kind of reward or something. That’s unhealthy. If you view sex as a commodity, to be given and withdrawn on your whims, I feel sorry for any man who enters a relationship with you. Sex is something you should want to do and if it isn’t, then you should make that clear before you start getting into his head. Whether you choose to believe it or not, most of the points being made here are valid, if a little exaggerated. Except point 3 – that’s just new age crap.

      Yet in reading your response, I begin to wonder, is this how my girlfriend thinks too? Because at the start of our relationship, we used to have sex very regularly. In the past year, we’ve had sex maybe fout times. Once in the past six months. How do you suppose that makes me feel? Women go on about how things men do make them feel unattractive; well ditto. I’m at the point now where I feel genuinely afraid to initiate sex. Why? Because if I don’t try, at least I won’t feel the crushing rejection of being told ‘no’, ‘I’m not in the mood’ or the most horrible of all, ‘leave me alone’. Every time, I feel sick to my stomach.

      And god knows I’ve tried to find out why. Every day I talk to her about her day. I do a hell of a lot around the house, I work long days to give her all the things she wants. She works too, but I like to buy her presents. It makes me happy to see her happy. Yet every night (well about one a week if I feel like taking the risk), it’s the same old story. And I ask her why. And she tells me she doesn’t feel like it or she’s tired or she’s not in the mood. And I ask her why. Silence. That hurts too. And god help me if I push the issue. I’ve got to think there’s something wrong if she is NEVER in the mood.

      It’s a feeling of the most complete and utter rejection you have ever felt. Even talking about it now is making me feel like crying. Yet I put up with it because in every other situation, she seems happy with me. For all the world, I feel like she loves me back. Yet I’m now at the point where I’m questioning whether I’m willing to go the rest of my life without sex because the woman I love doesn’t want me. And I’m getting to the point where I don’t think that I can. But it’s like the author says, love and sex are not mutually exclusive. I love her, but the lack of a physical relationship is pushing me further and further away. Hell, I’ve even thought about cheating on her, something I could never do in practice. But I’m so, so desperate for it that it’s looking more and more appealing. And I hate myself for even thinking like that. So you see, I’ve been reduced to a wobbling pile of self-loathing by this.

      But of course, you don’t see it that way, because sex to you is just a commodity. You don’t think of the physical and emotional implications of refusing to have sex with your partner. By the tone of your response, it sounds like you don’t care who gets hurt. You talk about not giving your man sex because of something he’s done to offend you. Well if he’s done something to offend you, tell him. Don’t passive-aggressively refuse to do something for the sake of proving a point he doesn’t even know your making. Don’t say you don’t feel like it without saying why. If I’ve done something to upset my partner and that’s why she doesn’t want to have sex, then I’d rather she told me. At least then I could do something about it. But at this point, I can’t do a thing and she won’t do a thing. So all I have left now is the long wait until she gets some particularly good news. Then maybe, just maybe, there might be something in it for me.

      Think before you speak, darling.

  • Jessica

    Reply Reply December 19, 2014

    Sometimes women feel the same way a man does when she is rejected sexually. I’ve experienced this with my husband when I’m feeling freaky and want it, he wouldn’t give it. He said I wanted it at the wrong time (not during that monthly)and he didn’t want to wear it out. I even told him I wanted to dance for him and got rejected. I was angry and it made me want to cheat because if you keep rejecting your mate, someone else will pay attention and receive what you’ve been wanting to give to your mate.

  • Jay

    Reply Reply December 17, 2014

    Hi I would like to say that you have hit the nail on the head harder than anyone I have come across. I wish I could have my partner understand men as well as you do. It would make my life perfect as everything else is, except for her way of dealing with our sex life! It drives me crazy with frustration and sometimes I feel as though I am getting to that resentment stage, then she puts out and it’s better for a bit.

    Myself, and a lot of mates I have spoken to about this, feel like women just find it impossible to digest that men just want them to come onto us and make us feel like they love doing “it” with us!

  • anima basnar

    Reply Reply December 2, 2014

    Dear writer/ mother,

    You really understand man on primal level.

    As a man it cannot be helped because we are being program by our creator that way.I don’t blame creator for this.

    This it just great.

    Man instinct always wanted to protect and provide for their blood and loved one.

  • Kitty

    Reply Reply November 30, 2014

    What about relationships in which one of the members identifies as asexual? Asexual people can and do have sex and some enjoy it, but in my case, I do not. I have no interest in having sex and will decline if someone else initiates. My boyfriend is not asexual. He understands my sexual orientation, only occasionally tries to initiate sex, and will never force the matter, but I’m worried that this will get to him in the long-term. We both make sure that we spend time together talking, kissing, cuddling, etc. so it isn’t like we are not intimate at all, but will this meet his emotional needs? This isn’t something I’m willing to compromise on (I will not give him false, insincere consent), but I don’t want to ruin our relationship either.

  • Joan of Arc

    Reply Reply October 17, 2014

    So what does a woman do if sex doesn’t make her feel loved but makes her feel more disconnected?
    Been married for 35 years and have been having regular sex the whole time. As the years go by, the sex makes me feel worse and worse to the point that I am depressed for a full day after we have sex and dread our next encounter.
    How can sex make a man feel so loved and make a woman feel so unloved? Making sex a priority has made my passion disappear. I’m beginning to build up negative association with sex.

    • Spain of Frank

      Reply Reply October 29, 2014

      That’s not normal, better see a mental doc!

      • Weng

        Reply Reply November 20, 2014

        agree !

  • Anthony

    Reply Reply September 27, 2014

    I came across your website/blog today. Your writings are astute and bravely expressed. I am 59, married to the same lady since the late 1970’s.
    We have on average some form of sexual intimacy around 3-4 times a year since 2000, most of which is pretty average. I don’t ask, hint, suggest anymore. Who wants to be rejected. Before I begin to sound like a loser. Let me say that apart from this sexless issue which is an enormous frustration much of the rest of my life is pretty good. I am reasonably good looking, told I look I my late 40’s often, eat healthy and attend a gym regularly. I have no problems with getting hard.. I adore a woman’s body and have a reasonably good idea how to have satisfying sex with a woman. I love passion and intimacy. I think of sex often each day. I am finding it hard to feel emotionally connected with her. We are good friends and laugh a lot together. Sadly what I want right now is a secret friend for sex who has the same unmet needs. The trouble with this idea is that is the total opposite of my personal values. Basically I am trapped. I have 4 choices. Leave her. Accept my sexless marriage. Fix the problem. Find a lover. I am open to suggestions.

    • canim

      Reply Reply October 31, 2014

      I felt the pain while reading what you wrote there and it stayed with me. And I feel even more pain on the thought of you finding a lover. I am glad, though, about your values. Hang in there. The first thing that came to my mind as a suggestion was why not first try to fix the problem and if it doesn’t work then leave? I hope you will not find a lover. I don’t believe that is a healthy and dignified way to deal with this situation. Take care.

      • canim

        Reply Reply October 31, 2014

        P.S. If you have an unmet need, as it seems you do, get it met, but do so in a beautiful and dignified, honest way. Love

    • Marc Alone

      Reply Reply January 10, 2015

      This is exactly how I feel although I’m not married. Yet marriage, to me, is besides the point. I’m with a woman I love and that is as good as any ring. Yet, like you, I feel the crushing disappointment and rejection you feel every time she refuses sex with me. It’s a hard feeling too describe, but you’ve hit out on the head. I can identify with everything you’ve said here.

      I think it may well be mismatched sex drives in both of our cases. Yet this wasn’t the case at the start of my relationship and I wonder if you can identify with that too? I wonder if many women understand what a lack of sex after a relatively fulfilling sex life feels like? Because I think if they did, there would be less cheaters in the world. You and I are a dying breed. The faithful, I mean. Don’t cave in. You’ll get through it. And if not, perhaps – as much as it pains you – it may be time to move on. Difficult to hear, but there’s still time.

  • Kellen

    Reply Reply September 11, 2014

    Hi I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years, 2 of those being long distance and then this last year being together in the same city. Everything was going fine until late spring where there was a drop in intimacy, granted she hasn’t been the most intimate type and I understood that from the get go but we still had amazing sex. I believe a big indicator as to her drop in libido was when she wasn’t into oral as much anymore, every now and then I would give her oral but she’d prefer penetration 90% of the time. I figured it might just be a preference thing but hell I may just be aloof. Despite the difficulties I rode things out until the other week (a few months later) where I found out (accidentally coming across her diary word document) she had a crush on an older coworker. I just let it pass because she didn’t cheat and I understand attraction is a natural thing and me coming across that should have never happened as it infringes on her privacy. There was a point in the summer where we almost broke up because she felt like she wasn’t able to pursue herself and interests but at the same time she said she was deeply in love with me and was essentially at a crossroads but felt that her love was still strong and worth it. We had a good few weeks of great sex but recently she came back from a family vacation the other week and she just seems out of it intimately. We had the worst sex last night and it really hurt me but I didn’t tell her that. I love this woman like none other, I know she has many insecurities that she wants to change about herself but I want to shine the light on her greatness and show her how she’s special to me and others around her. I’m at a crossroads and all I want to do is just rekindle the flame.

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