As a woman, it is not hard at all to get stuck in a relationship with a commitment phobic man. Sometimes even if you’re a beautiful, smart and classy woman, you’ll have to deal with some sort of commitment-phobia in your man. (Click here to take the quiz on “Am I Dating a Commitment Friendly Man? “)

Your task is to really see what a man does for what it is, and make your decision from there.

If the man you are seeing exhibits many of these signs, it’s time to question: why are you wasting your precious youth, time and worry on someone who is NOT worth your time?

I truly believe in patience and understanding when it comes to men – it is part of being a mature and feminine woman. But you need to choose the right man to have patience with.

Sometimes, no amount of patience and understanding will get a man to be the man you crave him to be. And that’s ok.

You didn’t do anything wrong, and neither did he. He is simply not the right man for you, and there is someone out there for you. Someone whom you can truly live a full life with, a passionate life with, a man who truly fills you up with love, and who adores you like you are his princess. (Click here to learn how you can inspire your man to commit)

Here are the 10 typical signs of a commitment-phobic man:

1) He only seems to respond to contact from you that is sexual.

You may think that being sexual is a good way to get his attention, and it sure is. But if he only replies reliably and consistently when you make hints towards sleeping together or send a dirty text, then perhaps he is only in it for the sex.

If he regularly ignores texts, calls and emails from you suggesting dinner, a movie night, or time with your friends, yet quickly replies to anything sexual, there’s a chance that this man only has fun and no-strings-attached sex on his mind and doesn’t mind keeping you around for the sex and ONLY the sex.

 2) He has too many strange reasons not to ‘friend’ you on Facebook.

When a man doesn’t allow you into his world on Facebook, it could be a sign he is resisting commitment to you.

Facebook is a tell-tale place for making sure that a man is interested in you and is proud to have you in his life.

Why? Because if he is proud and happy to have you in his life, he doesn’t fear you appearing in his news feed, tagging him in things, or commenting on his Facebook updates. (Click here to complete the quiz on “How High Value High Status Am I on Facebook”)

Because Facebook is such a public place; if he has other women, or if he puts you low on his priority list, he may avoid adding you on Facebook because it’ll be easy for you to bring issues up and inconvenience him.

A catch: if the man is a womanizer, he might gladly add you, as more women commenting and liking his updates means he receives higher status and higher regard in his social circle or among his Facebook friends.

It depends on the man and his blueprint of the world.

So, it’s up to you to work out, from the other points in this article, whether he uses Facebook as a way to have women make him look good, or whether he actually has a Facebook and deliberately avoids ‘friending’ you for fear of ‘issues’ that arise from that, that might complicate his life.

3) He is in his late 30’s (even worse, 40’s), and has never been married.

A man has plenty of time to find the right one and to settle down. But, if at the age of 38, the most LIKELY place you will find him 5 nights a week is at the gym, for a minimum of 2 hours, then maybe, just maybe…he actually loves being single and prefers to live his life that way.

4) He talks about women in a way that actually makes you feel uneasy or queasy in your gut.

This takes a little bit of patience on your part. You need to stop and actually start listening to what he is saying and how it makes you feel.

If the way he talks about women makes you feel like: ‘hang on…what the hell….’ and yet you have a voice in your head making excuses such as “oh well maybe he’s just…” stop it.

A man that doesn’t talk nicely about women has never felt like he was worthy of them and probably spent many years feeling like he could not handle them.

Which means there is a good chance he doesn’t feel like he could handle you. Some men are just downright bitter and angry towards females and see them as a pain because they have felt rejected by them their whole lives.

If he says things like: “WOMEN! You can’t live with them, you can’t live without them!” or “women just complain all the time” – he might be right, many women do complain all the time….but…if this is his strongest ASSOCIATION with females, then maybe he won’t have the time and patience for you.

What matters here is HIS association with women. For example, what I mean is, in HIS head, what does the word WOMAN equal to?

If it’s always one of frustration or indifference and he says things like the above, then listen and watch carefully and be smart about things. (see my article on

5) He rarely asks you about your life, or how you are.

And if he DOES, it seems more like a pleasantry to you (something he mentions just for the sake of mentioning)….and he doesn’t really listen to your answers. (read my article about Casual Relationship)

6) He ignores your birthday (even when you tell him that it’s your Birthday soon) and ignores you around Easter and Christmas.

A client of mine once drove me to intense frustration after several private sessions with her; telling me about a guy who was clearly not ever going to commit to her, who ignored her birthday even when she TOLD him that it was coming up and ignored the actual day of her birthday and yet she still told me….:”But…but he TOLD me I’m his GIRL!!”

Question is: if someone tells you constantly “Oh my dear, I’d NEVER set your house on fire!” “I’d never hurt your family and set your house alight!” and one day, you come home, and he has burnt your house down…do you believe what he said?

Do you believe that he would never do that?

Or would you believe the actual facts: that your house has been burnt down right in front of you by this man? I hope you believe the obvious.

For most men who are willing to commit or will commit in the future, your birthday is an important event for him.

In the beginning stages, he may not spoil you, but at least he’d make an attempt to call you – not just to wish you a happy birthday – but to ask you how your actual birthday was.

7) The story his mouth tells is almost always more enticing than the story his actions tell.

Simple. Don’t be dumb, because you are not dumb.

So don’t let a man’s words fool you. I understand, as women, we all make this mistake at least once – we all fall for a man’s words at least once; we are designed to.

Nature didn’t make us to be smart all the time; it made us to be as easily willing to have sex as possible with the man who got to our ears by sweet talking so we could pass on our genes and propagate the human species.

Be good to yourself. And give the right man for you, more time with you!

Do that by losing the man who talks a lot and delivers little, so the right man can wake up next to you every morning and kiss you on the head with a goofy smile on his manly face.

8) He often responds to you with defensiveness or deflects questions with verbal abuse.  

Defensiveness and verbal abuse – these two things are extremely difficult for a woman to have to deal with in a relationship, and these are the last two things I want YOU to have to deal with.

Ideally, a man would be centred and strong, and would take full responsibility for himself, and would think things through rather than act snide or abusive.

But unfortunately, some males were not raised very well, or had bad childhood experiences that lead them to be this way; and it’s painful for the women in his life.

One thing you need to be careful of – if you grew up with abuse, YOU might think this is love. You may not know love in its real form. Because that’s the only way you know love from the way you were treated.

It’s a terrible thing to get stuck in a relationship like this and find out 30 years later that you only ended up with an abusive man because of your own childhood – what a waste of years.

This is why, as a woman, you need to stop blindly doing things without THINKING. Think, analyse and tap into your masculine abilities. SEE something for what it is. And IF – on top of that – your intuition actually tells you that this is a bad situation, listen to it. And listen to your friends – often, you can’t see something for what it is clearly when you are IN IT.

9) He blames you a lot.

Some men just constantly blame women for things that go wrong in their life. There’s a legitimate reason for this; men don’t understand women; so they cannot handle them; and when they can’t handle them and they see their lives falling apart, then the EASIEST thing to do is look for someone to blame; a WOMAN!

See – If a man’s reaction to problems in the relationship is to blame you, or constantly point out where you went wrong, then you have a problem.

Either 1) you’ve been together a long time and YOU have been blaming HIM a lot, so now he does it to you because he can only take so much blame from you – OR blaming women – or blaming you – is a habit he uses to avoid properly dealing with problems.

A side note: a man who responds to problems with silence and disappears for a day or even 2 and then calls you again doesn’t mean he is a commitment phobic man. He might be the type to go away and think about it.

Don’t rule this out. Sometimes it’s hard to know if a man is the more spiritual type and actually DOES do the work to think through a problem and quietly deals with it himself away from you without talking about it but that’s part of the game of dating and of life – you have to learn and understand and make decisions in your life.

The other thing: 2) This man might simply not want to take responsibility for anything in a relationship. Some human beings remain adults in children’s bodies for the rest of their lives. It’s unfortunate, but it happens.

10)  He looks down on other married couples.

If a man talks badly about men who are married, or who are taking care of children, then it’s a pretty good sign he doesn’t care much for a deep commitment with a woman.

And it’s a good sign that he is turned off the idea of family and prefers to be alone.

For example, if he sees men with babies and says things like: “when I see men like that, I think, “I don’t envy you!” or “I’m glad I’m not you!”.

Or…he sees married men and talks down at them, like they are less than him, and are stupid, or dumb for making the choice to be married – then you know this man takes A LOT of self-importance and feelings of significance by being unattached to a woman, and without a family.

Please remember, no ONE sign here is a definite indicator that a man is a commitment phobic.

Any random one or two signs could just be isolated signs that don’t mean a man is a commitment phobic.

I cannot say for SURE what combination of the above 10 definitely indicates that a man is a commitment phobic.

But – I CAN say for sure that, a mix of at least 4 (FOUR) of these signs of a commitment-phobic man means you should tread carefully and re-think the situation you are in. (Learn how to make a man commit)

A WARNING about the above Advice:

See, the problem is always this, and it’s something that is purely your responsibility as a female:

As a woman, you WILL at times, see a lack of commitment irrationally when a man IS actually committed.

This is going to happen!

And you have to learn to recognise that; or at least tap into your masculine energy a bit more, and therefore think more logically and from a detached perspective, so that you don’t over-complicate EVERYTHING and push away a perfectly committed man.

Let me quickly tell you why you see a lack of commitment irrationally when a man IS committed:

1) As a human being with proportionally more FEMININE hormones, your rules for commitment won’t always be the same as his, since he is a male and his world is completely different from yours

2) As a woman, you have a certain behaviour that is hard-wired into you.

This behaviour is called Testing.

You test, test, test, men all the time, subconsciously, irrationally, and well…nearly constantly, until a man has spent long enough with you that you can relax and trust him more.

Truth is, men leave, men disappear – it’s happened for centuries.

Mother nature GAVE you the gift of testing to keep you and your future children safer, and to help you be more in tune with men and what’s really happening.

But this gift from mother nature also comes at a price: you test sometimes when you don’t logically need to.

Convenient, huh? The complications that can come with being a woman and the emotional pretzels we can be!

What to do Now:

1) Remember, 4 or more of these above signs mean: seriously think through the relationship you have gotten yourself in to.

2) Less of these signs or any ONE of these signs beings present could just be put down to the fact that you are with a MALE, who really is just a wild animal.

He might still be willing to commit – but he’s also still a male. And you will encounter this with every single masculine man on earth – there’s always some commitment resistance, even if a man doesn’t tell you that there is. He is made that way.

3) If you are unsure what to do with your relationship situation, yet you think the man you are with has the potential to commit to you (you’ll be surprised) – then I have the solution put entirely in my Commitment Masterclass. Click here to watch the video.

Now over to YOU – help the rest of us women out and let us learn from you! What sign (or signs) have you noticed indicate that a man is a commitment phobic?




  • The Dude says:

    like his princess? Disney is what’s wrong with this country. Grow up.

  • Shauna says:

    We met with intensions of having fun. Since, we have been on holidays together, he took a day off work to help me find a laptop suitable for my school work which he pushed me into University. He has brought me not only sexual gifts, but also expensive useful gifts. This year, he finally gave me a rose and chocolates on Valetnines Day. About 2 weeks ago, I approached him about the way i feel and have developed intense feelings for him as it has been 3 years. he hasnt slept with others, nor have I. However, he told me he has ‘autistic traits’ however, is not legally diagnosed with autism. I have been nagging, questioning and bothering him (I feel) for 2 weeks as I am still registering all the things he has done and said to me throughout the years – and now this! He continues to tell me it doesn’t bother him (my nagging) and he will continue to tell me ‘don’t feel stupid aboiut this – it was sprung on you. I don’t mind hearing from you. You don’t bother me. I enjoy hanging out with you’ He still isn’t breaking – he did mention he had a bad break up and refuses to talk about that as it gives him pain. He continues to mislead me – saying ‘I wouldn’t do that, they’re not worth it for you’ when I questioned him if he has seen other women. I believe he is terribly in love with me OR just an absolute F!@#$%^ A!@#$%^ – however, I think he has a has a fear. Fear of comittment and certainly a fear of me, I have told me my tough start i had in life, i have money, job, properties – I am no threat to him. I just want him. Why does’nt he want me? What’s wrong with me?

  • cheats yugioh World championship 2006 says:

    There are many more reasons to play free online games.
    However, this strategy costs the time that could have been spent building your city and training your
    troops while you’re behind the Peace Shield. It means, “If this darned machine doesn’t move any faster, I’m going to kill something.

  • Jessica Wade says:

    It’s not only men who have commitment issues, women do too. SURPRISE, SURPRISE MEN!!! Some women don’t want to be in relationships or marriage either because of all the nonsense men have put them through. People will do what you allow them to do. Men and women both should keep that in mind too.

  • MK says:

    Would you believe, I had been with a man who have all these 10 and more habits and behaviour. My life was like In HELL.. I lost my self esteem , all gone. When I wanted and mentioned something about thgether, he jumped from me to another woman without any warning. He did that to me again and again. I have enough painful and hurtful!

    • DarthW says:

      Here’s a better answer when a man doesn’t want to marry: He sees a whole wasteland of men who have had their wives intitiate 90% of divorces, the wives then take all those husbands assets, and their children. And the men who stay married lose their time, identity, freedom, and friends to the iron fist of their wives. Women thing when a man marries them he is only a wallet and a slave to her whims. Most married guys I know get no sex, no time, and no life because their wives want to rule like the Queen of Hearts. Eff that. If you’re man doesn’t want to commit start looking around at these other relationships.

      Besides, to women commitment always means “marriage” because women want a man’s money. I will date a woman, stay committed to her, never cheat on her, but I expect her to pay her own bills, live in her own space, and even pay for some of the dates. This is the age of feminism and equality, and that’s now what women should do. Chivalry is dead, and so is marriage. Get used to it.

      • stitch in time says:

        you sound very bitter. you shouldn’t base how all women are because one happened to screw you over. we aren’t all like that, just like not all men are assholes or commitment phobes, and further, who are you to make the rules about dating. many men, and perhaps you too, cheat on their wives, or have let themselves grow into boring, fat, lazy pigs. who wants to have sex with any of that? so while you point a finger, remember there’s always 3 pointing back at yourself.

      • LadyVonZetien says:

        Poor you.

  • Hotline Miami 2 Download says:

    Shipping incorporated within USA. So what is new? A lot.

  • Subway Surfers key cheats says:

    I think this is one of the most vital information for me.
    And i’m glad reading your article. But want to remark on few general things, The web site style is ideal, the articles is really excellent : D.
    Good job, cheers

    • Jane says:

      I think another sign is if the man never lets you go to his place and he will never sleep over at your place. He makes up some excuse or if he does sleep there hes almost running out of your place in the morning…….very odd.

  • Expendables 3 Télécharger says:

    Wonderful article! That is the type of info that are supposed to be shared across the
    net. Shame on the seek engines for not positioning this submit
    higher! Come on over and seek advice from my site .
    Thank you =)

  • Natalie says:

    Let’s see:
    2) FB – not friend (says it’s just for family, although there are few friends as well) but posted some of our photos together – so Im undecided here
    3) never married with 2 live-together experiences
    4) There’s one phrase: “Never trust a woman” – usually said when we see in a movie a woman screws a man or takes revenge, or hear a story of such sort. Said in a joking tone, but still… makes me feel uneasy. Or “women like play games”.
    9) not a lot, sometimes, often as a defence, and do my lot too..
    10)”I hope it will last” – usually when I tell news about happy couples; nominally positive comments but sounds like he does not believe that it will last.
    So, what do you guys say? Do you think he is the lost case?
    Btw, my understanding of commitment does not necessarily include legal marriage. What’s important is that daily promise to bring your best to the relationship and daily choice of your partner. I love Renee’s article about why marriage vows do not matter, so well said!

  • Holly says:

    When I read about the abusive part, that made me feel uncomfortable because it’s a reflection of my interactions with men. I grew up with low self worth and as an unhealthy person, so I haven’t known any other realty. I can read positive advice, but it’s foreign to my map of the world. Realistically, I feel that a person has to work really hard if they are to break self destructive behaviors, such as inviting abuse in the first place.

    I was actually in a controlled relationship for almost 7 years, I said to myself, never again will I ever get into a destructive relationship. I had lied to myself, because I was in the ultimate, abusive, relationship with myself! I’d say that so many people are, such as if they are records with their health, with how they do or don’t treat themselves. Being passive is just one of many ways I can think that a person might abuce themselves. Nevertheless, I’m picking myself up and working on myself is a constant process.

    As for men, I feel that I would know really quickly if a man is worth the time and effort. I don’t know about you, but I sense things out really quickly, by listening to the way my body feels, that’s the biggest indicator to a healthy man. Combine it with thinking, I know that I’ll be all right. Women’s intuition, that’s what’s going to get me through.

    Even if a woman doesn’t know a man, surely she will sense on an intuitive level if he’s into her or not, subconsciously, I would have thought that a person will pick up all the indicaters and then her gut feeling would do the rest of the work.This is how I.feel anyway.

  • kris says:

    I keep ending it with a guy that after 2 years won’t commit. This is my fault he strings me along I allow it. I tell him what I want I said I don’t want to jump into marriage but I told him beginning this is who I am. He tells me how much he loves me bla bla how he needs me so I end up going back. He knows I Will so he doesn’t have to I guess. I am trying to move on now I’m just going in circles I want to give myself to someone that Will want to share this back…one day.

  • Elle says:

    Who cares if a man has commitment phobia? I am VERY career oriented, and enjoy companionship, but don’t necessarily have to be married. Marriage isn’t what it is cracked up to be these days. Give me a sane, successful, handsome, older man who is 100% straight to spend time with occasionally, and I am good.. I enjoy my freedom. Maybe I am a commitment phobe?

  • house clearance st albans says:

    Howdy! I could have sworn I’ve been to this site before but after reading through some of the post I realized it’s new to me.
    Anyways, I’m definitely delighted I found it and I’ll
    be bookmarking and checking back frequently!

  • Joeliene says:

    You mention “testing” to verify that a man can be trusted. I agree that women “test” men. But all the women I know are “testing” him to ensure that he is an Alpha Male. We do this periodically when first dating a man. And if he begins to fail those tests, he gets dumped. These “tests” continue into marriage. And if a guy fails too many tests after marriage, he finds himself being divorced. This is because we’re programed by Mother Nature to be with Alpha Males… not just to procreate… but for our entire lives.

  • John Doe says:

    Maybe you women need to WOMAN UP, and start acting like a REAL WOMAN again? And that means COOKING, CLEANING, and RAISING CHILDREN!

    • Alexi says:

      Dream on, pal. This is belittling and very, very insulting. You men do not keep us anymore, we have jobs and salaries. Cook, clean, and raise children yourself if you are into such things, and do not expect someone else to do this on your part. Believe it or not, some women hate the thought of having children.

      • Jonathan says:

        There we have here is exhibit A of why many men are turning to looking for a wife overseas…because the cancer that is feminism has ruined a good 80 to 90 percent of the American female population turning them from feminine women into men with breasts. I believe society has suffered from women entering the workplace. It is OUR place to be the breadwinner, provider, defender and a woman’s role to take care of the homefront while we’re running in the rat race in the cutthroat business world. Those women who hate the thought of having children, I assume you’re one of them, should just get sterilized..then you never have to worry about having children. It’s sad that women have come to despise the one unique thing they can do that we men can’t..bring a new life into this world. Such an awesome and wonderful power that has been turned by feminism into a curse. Frankly women like that don’t deserve the term ‘woman’ or ‘lady’ for that matter..female in gender only. Hopefully your kind of woman will go extinct or else the human race and civilization is doomed.

        • can't stop laughing says:

          The real reason you love traditional gender roles and want a little wifey at home who is 100% dependent on you is because you are an insecure control freak. You hate the thought of women having any kind of authority or control. Did Mommy not give you enough hugs as a child?

          • Anna says:

            YOU are the insecure one here little missy. I willingly submit myself to my man. I cook, clean and care for his house. Why? Because I RESPECT men.

            You are nothing but a lousy insecure feminist with no sense of self-worth. Do us a favour and stay single forever.

        • stitch in time says:

          good luck with that pal. they are using idiot losers just like you to gain access to the US and then will rob and cheat on you. go ahead, buy one for yourself and see that these women aren’t the subservient, quiet fuck machines you wish they were.

        • Sanpan12 says:

          I agree with this and I’m a women. I enjoyed staying home taking care of the home and our children. The problem is that some men lose respect for women in this role and then cheat with a women that they think is amazing because she works outside of the home which is sadly what happened in my case.

  • mimi says:

    Women select mates using instincts instead of logic because most of the time they are lazy to think.

  • Anna says:

    So I have a question: if a man seems perfectly willing to commit (or shows none of the signs here), how long must a girl have to wait until he’s influenced? When do we know if we are just being stubborn & should let go because he’s never going to commit, versus when do we know if we are letting go of the best thing that could have happened to us?

    • Anna says:

      I mean if he loves you and wants to commit but says he can’t due to insecurity issues. He wouldn’t commit to anyone. How do we know if he’s never going to open up ever or if he’s still open to being influenced?

      • kris says:

        I think we wait and hope the emotional unavailable guy were with Will change. I know I do I’m trying to end it with someone that just tears my heart apart over and over. Tells me how I do it for him and every other love thing u can think of. But he won’t completley give himself to me. It’s pretty painful…

      • J says:

        I think there is an epidemic these days of guys not wanting to comitt and bull shitting (Lying) to women, to have the sex and girlfriend experience without actually having a girlfriend, or god forbid a wife! Its heart breaking and soul crushing for women. When I was dating who was to become my husband I said to him about maybe two years in that if he didn’t want to marry me some day , let me know so I can move on. I wont be pissed but want to know as dont want to be just a girlfriend as want to be married and have a family. He said he wanted to and zip waited and he did. So dont just wait without a conversation about the future. Also, a guy should be actively wanting to be your boyfriend and should initiate you meeting his family. My husband did that for me on his own. Alot of guys now, you could cook, clean and give him alot of love and he will just enjoy it and keep his options open forever. Especially the ones who are older bachelors who never settled down with anyone. Theres a reason why, and its staring back at them when they look in the mirror.

  • David Lara says:

    This is most retarded shit I have ever read. I had to opt out after point 2 because it was just that illogical.

    Point 1 basically describes every man in existence and point 2 is so illogical that it is literally hurting my brain trying to understand why you would even think such a thing.

    Problem: You’re thinking into it too much, trying to find gashes where there are scratches.

    Solution: Stop it. If a man does something he doesn’t automatically make him something else. He is he. You are you. A man is a man, let it be.

    • Candi says:


      I am very cool and patient with guys, but how can you defend a guy never asking you out to dinner, etc. – only responding to sex? That is fine to want and love sex, but you should also respect her with dinner or going out. If not, you are the kind of guy most girls do not want to meet.

  • OhioPatriot says:

    Asking a man to marry you “or else the relationship is over” is absurd. This is 2013, marriage is absolutely and totally meaningless, it has no value to it. I say this as a fundamentalist Christian and a Christian leader/teacher.

    Marriage is a legal contract, a business agreement. It is defined by the Ohio Bar Association as “a legal agreement between you, your spouse, and the state of Ohio.”

    I am not interested in inviting the state into my life anymore than they are already involved.

    If a man is sharing his house with you and is willing to have you as his woman, and is even willing to have children with you and raise them with you, then that is commitment. To call him commitment phobic because he refuses to sign a legal document that he gains nothing from and risks much by signing, is absurd.

    I will never enter into a legal marriage contract with any woman in the United States or in the Anglo/Western world as a whole for that matter.

    • Jessica says:

      Then why waste a woman’s time doing the things commited couples do if you have no intention of marrying her? I hate to say it but you are NOT a so-called Christian leader. You’re just a bitter man who let his negative past relationships define you instead of forgiving the women who have hurt you. Those women still have the power because you have not forgiven them to move on with your life.

    • Brooke says:

      You cannot possibly be a fundamentalist Christian with such negative views on marriage.
      True Christians extol marriage. They also frown on having children out of wedlock.
      A man who will live with the mother of his children indefinitely with no intention of marrying her is a coward with no morals.

  • Dawn says:

    I loved this article about commitment phobic men. Even though my “so-called” boyfriend has been married twice before, his last relationship of ten years was spent living apart from her.
    We live together, not by choice, but by necessity, (we were both out of work when we met, and I was scared of loosing my house).
    Bottom line, here are my tell tale signs.
    1) refuses to sleep in my room, prefers his own
    2) at 11 months no one in his family or previous work colleagues or friends knows where or who he is living with (I have not met a single person from his life)
    3) I am still not on his facebook, but did recently add me to his linked in because he wanted an endorsement
    4) he can’t make love without fantacizing about me with other men, even though I have said this bothers me.
    5) refuses to let me make the first move…it’s always on his terms..won’t let me touch him affectionately outside the bedroom…never shows any signs of PDA…often walks ahead of me in stores and out in public..which is rare, prefers to do those things without me
    6) although he says he wants a life with me, still has not changed his driver’s licence to my address, has not changed his bank branch or pharmacy to where he now lives…
    7) any time I try to get to know him better by asking about his childhood favorite things, or other stuff he gets down right defensive and angry.
    8) he is often verbally, emotionally abusive and often passive aggressive
    9) he only tells me what I need to hear, (I have asked him to leave three times) “Oh but I do love you’, never ever said this when we have sex…. it certainly isn’t “lovemaking”
    10) gets very angry if I need to call him on his cell, rarely if ever calls me back. When my tire exploded on the Gardiner Expressway he didn’t call me back until 5 and half hours later

  • Anna says:

    The man I’ve been dating for 2 years shows none of these warning signs. He’s really kind and sweet and funny & sometimes naughty! But… he says he cannot ever give me the commitment that I want. Even though he’s dating me exclusively, and is with me whenever I need help, and cooks for me and listens to me… he says he can never marry me. Or anyone. Weird. I wonder if there are any more guys out there like this.

    • Tom says:

      He sounds like he is gay.

      • Anna says:

        But he’s been married before . To a woman.

        • z0ltan says:

          A lot of gay men have been/are married. That is no guarantee, love.

          • Jane says:

            How would you know the man is gay? THe man I was dating I really fell for, hes so sweet and sensitive and funny. We ended up having sex, but he did not kiss during sex and would not give me eye contact also-I found that odd. He showed a lot of interest in me when I was dating his best friend. Another thing him and his friend discussed sexual details about me together and I found that odd, plus he asked me if his penis is bigger than his friend etc, he was always comparing himself to his best friend, but then he also was putting his down as well. He was married for 20 years hes divorced now. The thing is, I went into his friend’s facebook and every guy on there is gay! So it got me thinking! Another odd thing: he wanted anal sex and Im not into that. These men are late 50s! Not a peep from him for 6 weeks now!

        • Jessica says:

          Have you ever heard of the “Down-Low Man?”

    • No Business no Show says:

      If he isn’t giving you what you want then he probably feels that you aren’t the one. Sorry. But a man’s actions is the truth of who he is.

      • kris says:

        This is so true I’m breaking off a relationship that started strong and now I barly see him…if a man wants u or loves u hel be there…no games…

    • Jared says:

      Anna, just be honest and tell him that you need more in the relationship and you break it off with him. If you need the commitment and he isn’t willing, it is time to leave.

    • Anais says:

      Hi Anna,

      Unfortunately, I think this is a situation where you should believe his words, as they do line up with is actions. i.e. he says he can never marry anyone, still says he can’t marry you and hasn’t proposed to you after 2 years. There are a lot of men like this. Sometimes they change for the right woman at the right time, sometimes they don’t ever. If he’s been married before it may be he was deeply hurt over it ending, I do not know the details so it’s only the assumption

      If you want the commitment you desire, focus on that desire, rather than who you are receiving it from. It might be from him, it might be from someone else. You have to be willing to walk away after a certain amount of time. If you love him and he really loves you, walking away may give him time to realize how much better his life was with you. And he might try to win you back. You have the choice of doing that or accepting things as they are– him without full commitment.

    • kris says:


      Yea there sure are I also have been with someone 2 years off and on but because 3 tmz he left me saying he didn’t know what he wanted. Sadley I took him back this time around …he hasn’t left but I’m so unhappy I’m tierd of this empty feeling. The 1 st year he was with me every nite and I fell head over hills. We laugh talk a couple tmz a day great chemestry. There is no future with him he acts ad though were teens I am 41 I want security. It’s sad but I have to realize I can’t pull out more than hel give. I’m chosing to move on its do dam hard but I’m short changing my self.

    • Carolyn says:

      I have been with my boyfriend for 9years two months ago he chAnge he thinks i lie to him he doesn’t know me he doesn’t work i pay for everything buy him thing doesn’t say love u i appreciate And get made for no reason he always want to have sex and stoke his weed and we he don’t have it he takes it out on me and wen i leave the house i am going t see a man if was i wouldn’t be with him i got where i hate him i wan t get out of this relationship

    • Jane says:

      My ex of 4 yrs said the same thing. He was m arried young and he wont divorce his first wife, shes with someone else. He was with a woman for 5 yrs and they planned a baby together and he got engaged but he said he never wanted to marry here! (but he had a kid with her!)…she made good money he was not educated and very unstable in his work. They broke up. Then he met m e, did the same trick with the big engagement ring after 6 weeks. He was trying to pickup a girl on my bday I just had my ring 5 days. IN the end he was abusive, stoled from me, demeaned me, talked behind my back making lies against me, I eventually had to le ave he was turning violent-he is a narcisstic person who has no soul. Wish I knew this when I met him- one clue is he said he never had any friends nor did his parents!He promised to get divorced when I got engaged but I learned he never would, he put his wife above me as well,very hurtful.

    • Brooke says:

      You need to leave him if marriage is important to you.

  • dominique says:

    ive been dating this guy for almost 9 months….we have a verry good relationship open about things i trst m etc….hes met my mothr and they got alng great…i havent met his mom yet should i b worried??

    • Anna says:

      I think it’s fine. Everyone’s different, and there are no rules on when you should do this or that. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and I have not met his mother and he has not met mine. Don’t worry about it. It’s going to be fine.

      • Catherine says:

        Anna…if his name was Tony…I tried to warn you and there was 4 of us he had going. I was his best mate along with Dougy for 26 years but he threw us all under a bus. Your better off without him and so am I.

  • Cat says:

    Dear Renne,
    I have read many of your letters and I think they are all brilliant.
    Have you thought about writing an article to help out single mums? I have adopted a little girl 10 months ago and just started dating this wonderful but very masculine man. I struggle making him feel good, cared and loved and at the same time caring for my daughter. I am alone as all close family are in France. Any tips on how to give love to a man while still being a mother would be great.
    Many Thanks

  • Sharon says:

    I was involved with a non comitted man for over 4 years… He had never been married, but neither had I. He was 33 when I met him, I had just turned 34… We worked in the same industry and had so much in common, when he asked me out, I of course said yes. He was handsome, athletic, intelligent, and he just had the sweetest smile.
    From the very beginning he treated me so well (He felt like my prince… I’m not all about fairy tales or anything, it just felt so good. Cozy. Warm. Inviting.)… he nurtured me, listened to me, consoled me, adored me… He was over the moon about me… (What I didn’t realize at the time was that that is what they do best, they make you feel like you are on top of the moon if only for awhile)… He truly couldn’t get enough of me! He was everything that I had always hoped for (or so I thought at the time)… We became best friends, and then great lovers… my family, co-workers, and all my friends adored him. They were estactic for me! One day I truly woke up and thought I was the happiest girl that ever lived. I had no idea where the next few years of my life would take me…
    For the first two years he was amazing… we were in love… (I do know now looking back that his love wasn’t a reality like mine was) however, he always spoke the right words, was a romantic guy and a wonderful lover. He was warm, loving, and so kind.
    The red flags started on our second anniversary (of dating)… He was traveling with work and I had made us a special reservation to celebrate at our favorite restaurant… He knew the reservation was for 7. He never came. Didn’t call. I called and texted him and didn’t give a response… After multiple times of trying to reach him I called his mom to see if she had heard from him, she hadn’t. When he finally called me (not that night but the next day!) he wasn’t apologetic whatsoever… He was actually upset that I had called his mother and perhaps worried her! he never thought for one second that i had been worried… up until that point he had never let me down… I believe that his mind that 2 yr thing scared him… I just couldn’t understand why he would do that to me? The very next day he came with flowers and love notes and kissed me and I forgot about it all… He made me forget somehow… But as time went on, this was my staple for understanding the man he truly was…
    I recall the day after two and a half years that I asked about our living arrangements… perhaps what we should do (we only lived an hour away) but I wanted to know his thoughts… Should we move in together? I wasn’t really sure, just posed the question. That’s all.
    That was the day that ended it all for him… No longer was I just his girlfriend … i wanted something more… i wasnt just the girl that he could go on trips with, go to parties with, and have fun with. .. No. I wanted something serious… A COMITTMENT…
    After that talk EVERYTHING changed. He didn’t want to hang out with my friends, my family, he was late or never showed up for anything with me… The worst thing about that was that I didn’t even see it. I made excuses for him all of the time. i covered up for him each and evry time! when I would asked him , “why didn’t you show up for my sisters family wedding shower?”… He got upset with me and said that he had a very important meeting that came up, every time something would come up… He stopped being a part of my life… The life I shared with my family and friends… He only wanted to be with me if we were alone… I didn’t get it, didn’t understand. I was so confused… I loved him….
    Still to this day I don’t understand why I accepted that behaviour for as long as i did, but I did. I was treated like a mistress for the last year of our rel’ship, yet I chose to accept it inhopes that he would come around… He never did.
    I finally broke it off with him. It tore my heart out but I needed to be unleashed from his uncommitted world. At some point it either works or it doesn’t. I was just so tired of having him come and see me when it suited him. If I didn’t call him, he wanted to be with me. If I called him, I was suffocating him…
    When I realized that he was abusing me in a way that really isn’t understood by very many people…
    (after all… he wasn’t calling me names, he wasn’t hitting me) he was just telling me what i wanted to feel, yet never following through with anything he ever said… He had my hopes up so many times, he would tell me that he was changing and and that he was sorry… He told me that he wanted to get married (these were his last attempts to keep me) .. yet when I wanted to talk about any kind of future, he’d just close off, go home… and sometimes not call me for days at a time…
    my grampie was my most favorite people ever… He didnt live close to me and i only saw him once a year but his words were always so real and meaningful to me. He was special to me. he was real and wise and i loved him…he told me one day to never trust a man who isn’t true to his words, words are just words he’d say, you need to love a man who acts on things and shows you love, not just speaks about it… i didnt realize that that day back when i was 12 years old and he was showing me how he shaved his beard, how much that would make sense to me one day!
    believe me people, i have read A LOT about it… Comittment phobia doesn’t go away… Please read about the warning signs and red flags before you let someone take your heart away…
    On a positive note, I have since met the man of my dreams… We are engaged and going to happily get married next Summer! He has never let me down and has always been committed to me! It was difficult letting my heart love again, but i realize that without love you truly don’t have anything… I took a chance, with my precautions of course, and I am in love!

    • Cassie says:

      Hi Sharon,

      First of all – congratulations! You are living proof that it is possible to find the kind of man who is loving, consistent and able to commit. I am a little older than you, but I am in a similar relationship to the one you were in. Briefly: four years in, and we’re no closer to moving forward. He seems very relaxed about his situation – we speak maybe once a week, and see each other maybe the same. We make occasional plans, but mostly it’s last minute arrangements to go for a walk or something. He doesn’t use the ‘L’ word – he says he’s not that kind of man, and when he chooses he can just disappear for sometimes weeks on end. He’s a bit of a loner, but then, so am I, but he has distanced himself from my few friends and even family, (I have just my dad) because he finds it ‘difficult’. Some days he can be as bright and sunny as anything. But he’s quite fussy about not being in a public place where there might be the chance of there being children, or noisy people. Often I am on eggshells, and the occasion when he is relaxed – and I start to relax – it is often proceeded by no communication for several days – just when I think things are warming up.
      Ok, something is keeping me with him. Something – some little crum – keeps me there, trying to be understanding and ‘mature’ as he says he wants. It’s got to the point where I have got so used to it, I’m just going with the flow. But, I just don’t know…. I dream there is a place where I can be myself, loving with people who are able to be open-hearted and loving back. Is that possible? How does one break free from something that you’re just not sure about, but can’t quite place your finger on?!

  • Kathy Joyce says:

    Any guy that only responds to you if you talk about sex is certainly not long term relationship material. If he constantly makes excuses not to see you, or treats you with no respect then he is probably playing the field and settling down is most certainly not on his mind. There are lots of guys in their late 30s still living at home with mum. Being spoiled and getting everything done for them, they are unlikely to want to leave home and get married.

  • aash says:

    Dear renee..
    Thankyou for regular publish.i read your articles and try to learn. But the guy who i am considering , has none of the above mentioned signs.
    Still he is not ready for commitment.
    May be the men in pakistan have different reasons from what you think.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi aash! Happy New Year! Not ready for a commitment is different to showing signs of being a commitment phobic.

      And, you haven’t described your situation to me – but sometimes, we can think a man doesn’t want to commit or is not committed when he is as committed as he could be.

      And, marriage isn’t the best sign of commitment. A man can be fully, totally committed to a woman and never marry her.

      A man could also marry a woman and not actually be fully committed, too.

  • Thinking says:

    A sign which is obvious but we all too often forget is when he tries to keep it secret from your social circle that you see each other. It’s easy to believe it when he says “let’s be discreet, it’s none of their business”. Don’t fall for it. If a man likes you and wants you to be his girlfriend, he’ll claim you so that no one else snatches you. Even if there’s a slim possibility that he’s genuine and has been burned by gossip, still, why take chances with your sanity? Would you accept it if five other quality men were interested in you? Have options and go for a guy who’s proud to have you.

  • Mandy says:

    The guy I broke up with after we built a life together all the way up to
    1) a joint bank account,
    2)I was on the car insurance for his car, I drove it a few times,
    but stopped because I didn’t want to be responsible for any dings – not my property.
    That property thing is a pure ‘me’ thing and the way I was raised…
    3) we had a big house, with the largest backyard I have ever seen in
    a residential area. We worked on a garden together. We were both employed full time.
    We went on vacations, to shows and did things all the time like camping and visiting his family.
    I have no other family. They passed on.
    I was openly wearing a full expensive wedding set [but it could only be classified as
    common law marriage… I have some cold feet too….I have turned down countless marriage proposals in my life.

    Well, he displayed 4 of those traits in the article and now we are friends only.
    I am O.K. with that because I am the one who broke up with him because he displayed the certain traits, however, the story out his mouth matched reality as you can probably see
    also, he is 30 years old. I am older than he is.
    He is a non-violent guy and he made good money. He’s very vocal – not been a good experience at times. I started to change in a bad way and saw it and didn’t like it.
    The owner of the house we were trying to buy died and it was wrapped in legal trouble, so we were forced to move and our lives fell apart in a space of one year. He was my friend for two years before we even were boyfriend and girlfriend. We have a ton in common that held us together through the mismatch for 6 years. We had that space in that house for the last 3 – it was huge. I now live alone in an apartment in a business district because I broke up with him. His bad traits took over, and he wrote me a heartfelt letter of his desire for children and I have not given him any children. I have a tendency to miscarry.
    Family means some thing to him, but you know, saying he wanted children and leaving me alone for two months with that letter say these things as I cleared out the house made me let him go in my heart. [He helped me move though]

    I have no right to stop his desire for a family, now he can’t get me to sleep with him at all.

    I have the right to self respect. That’s what helps me be likable in the first place is my self respect.

    His desire is clear – he wanted to have me start all over again so he could have some one in their own apartment that he could sleep with when he needed to. I would know that he was looking for the mother of his future kids and I wanted no part of that – I can not be this way ever. Never have had any thing like this happen to me in my life.

    He wanted me to “be more independent” I was before he met me and while he knew me – I don’t get how he didn’t notice, I had my own place in a town I had just moved to alone when he met me.

    Now, he does say he wants me to find a good man and he knows we won’t be sleeping together.
    He displays large amounts of love though and today it made me break down in tears because I am in this place where I refuse to sleep with him – I feel exhausted against his mixed signals. I am O.K. with he and I speaking a couple times a week. He actually [now] listens to the things I say about how I feel as well as how to treat the ladies he seeks out there. I don’t want him to get hurt or another lady to get hurt either by his behaviors – all I can do is depart my words and hope for the best. I know. After all – I can’t get past my own core beliefs to be with him again.

    The thing is that I do speak to men in safe settings since the break up to be sure I am not taking anger from my old relationship to my new life and any man that would be with me. I want what I know I can be a part of for the rest of my life. I know that will take years to build to that point with a man too. You just don’t go on a first date and think you’re married to the guy – I know that well.

    The one thing I want to say is that I see a lot of my friends who are shocked that I was not totally scared to lose all that I had and I held my head up as much as possible, I do not drink alcohol. Alcohol adds problems and does not heal. They were happy that I moved through all this change and I know my actions helped some of them.

    My only issue is the great guilt I feel for talking to other men – that is all I am doing – talking.
    I talk to men all the time with no guilt – It is about my feelings for some of the men I speak with, or am thinking of.

    My ex acts super sweet now, still displays some of the traits above lightly.
    His body language and what comes out his mouth no longer match
    like it always had before. That’s no good.
    He says he wants me to find a man to be happy with but I told him today that I feel guilty because he has not so much as dated a woman. He is focused on work and he desires to help me. He’s been at parties and things. That’s all – no dates. Then there is all the bonds we share – he refuses to adopt and I am older than he is. So, that always gets in my mind as a show stopper – I just can’t get past that to think that there is any hope to get back together because I say “no”.
    He says he knows he’s looking for the future mother of his children and still wants to be sitting on couches with me, giving hugs and going out to dinner or show, out of town and all with no sex involved.

    This could be some of what you are in store for with men with some of these traits –
    if I would have known this maybe I would not have gotten involved in the first place.
    However, since he’s honoring core realities of our here and now and I am not pushing his buttons and pushing him away – we can be friends and try to help each other navigate our changed lives
    in a changing world.

    I know he talks to one of my ex-boyfriends from another state online – I saw them posting to each other. They are not friends, but not totally wicked to each other. I think they enjoy their light ‘boxing matches’. Truly, he’s like that – and other guys step up and I’ve seen it happen and it’s like they are playing or something. So, I just chalk it up to a man thing. Cave man thing – it’s got to go that far back.

    Now he says oddly positive things about a man I talk to – I think he’s checking out my men.

    He has this way about him – when he wants to he can talk to anyone and they like him instantly or if he’s rude they can hate him the same, but not madly, or long.

    There’s no such thing as normal but I feel there sure is a right way to go about every thing.
    So, I am here to keep my head on straight not over with some other site.

    Renee – I feel you are a part of what is 100 percent right with this world. I’ll be reading your articles through all this.

    I’m a peaceful person at heart. I’ve not always seemed so – but I am.
    Thanks for helping me and all the other ladies out here.



    • OhioPatriot says:

      I will never have a joint bank account with any woman, I will never co-sign a loan for a woman, I will never co-sign any financial document with a woman, I will never have a woman as an authorized user or any sort of card that I ever [presently I have no credit cards, no credit cards and no credit card debt], I will never have a woman’s name on my house, and I will never allow a woman to drive my truck.

      There are only two people in this world who have driven my truck, obviously I am one of them, my father is the other.

      I’m not looking to carry somebody else through life and play ATM to a woman who sees me as a bottomless piggy-bank.

      The default expectation in American society is that a man will assume ALL of the debts of any woman he marries. I’m not going to assume the $120,000 dollars some woman spent so she could “earn” a bachelor of arts in art history, and I’m not going to assume the $50,000 dollars in credit card debt that she incurred going on “spring breaks” to Cancun and Ft. Lauderdale and spending money she didn’t have on shoes and dresses she didn’t need.

      • Anna says:

        Wow… You seem really scared.

        • OhioPatriot says:

          Five minutes after a man signs a marriage contract/license the woman could initiate a divorce and take half of his stuff, or more, and have a claim on his salary/earnings/investments for the next several decades.

          I am not trusting anything in my life to a woman. Seventy percent of all divorces are initiated by women and most of the remaining 30% are only taken out by the man at the woman’s request. Only 10% of divorces are initiated by men with the woman objecting.

          My dad trusted a woman and he got cheated on with at least 8 different men [I saw some of this firsthand with my own eyes] and then one day when he was filing for divorce he and I came home to an EMPTY house because my mother thought she was entitled to take everything while he was at work and leave.

          Nobody is EVER going to do that to me because I am never going to allow anybody to be in a position to do that to me. If a woman wants to leave me that’s fine, she’s not a slave, she’s not tethered to me at the hip, she can leave, but she is not taking my vehicle, my stuff, and she’s not throwing me out of my own house.

          This is 2013, when a woman with whom you have a long-term relationship talks about how you need to marry and how romantic it is, she is really just figuring that she needs to have an insurance policy in place for if/when she tires of the relationship and wants to leave, she doesn’t want to leave empty-handed.

          If a woman refuses to sign a pre-nup then you know 100% where her thoughts are. She is already thinking about how she will be able to throw you out of your own house, take most of your stuff, and move her new man into what was once your house.

          • Jessica says:

            Not all women are like that. Stop putting all women in the same category. Y’all get pissed off when a woman says, “All men are dogs and don’t know how to treat a woman.” Who are you to judge when you still have unresolved issues within yourself?

          • Jane says:

            In Canada a woman just needs to live for 3 months with a man and its considered commonlaw and she can take him for half!

        • OhioPatriot says:

          When a woman says she wants to get married, it is time to show her to the door [if you’re living together] or just plain dump her [if she has her own place].

          If you’re living together then it is already a defacto marriage and a marriage in the eyes of God, so if she insists on a legal document/business contract from the state, what she is doing is setting you up so she can end the relationship and have an insurance policy payout [i.e. all of your stuff and alimony for 20-30 years].

          If your woman wants to have a kid, it is up to you. You’re still rolling the dice, you’re taking a gamble that she might take the kid, leave you, and get “child support” [which is now at levels high enough to make it defacto/back-door alimony] but at least you’ll be gaining something you want out of the situation, a child.

          A man gains nothing, absolutely nothing, from marriage.

          Young men pay attention, NEVER marry a woman in the English speaking world. The instant you sign that marriage license you sign your life away, you sign your future earnings away, you sign your house away, you sign your assets away. The woman could cheat on you during your honeymoon with the pool-boy or with a surgeon she meets in a hotel bar and her “punishment” in the divorce will be half of your stuff and 30% of your income for the next 40 years.

          I teach young men that when a woman starts talking marriage, dump her and move on in life. There are exceptions to this rule. If you’re working in Siberia and the Russian woman you’ve been dating for the last five months begs you to marry her and stay in Siberia with her, instead of going back to America when your work assignment is over in the next few months, it would be very much worth it to carefully consider the situation and her offer. For me that would probably be my opportunity to apply for Russian citizenship, renounce my American citizenship, and liquidate all of my assets here in the USA and move my life to Russia.

          Lots of Western/American men want young men in America to think that Russian women, Romanian women, Ukrainian women, etc, are just hungry for green-cards and see American men as an easy way to get to the USA. The fact is, having spoken with dozens of men married to women from Eastern Europe, they usually wind up staying in those countries with their new wives because the women don’t want to leave and the men who want to come back to America practically have to beg the women to relocate with them to America. Very few people in Eastern Europe want anything to do with coming to America.

          • Renee Wade says:

            OhioPatriot – have you got a name?

            Of all the comments you’ve left, you keep saying you ‘advise’ you ‘teach’ –

            Unfortunately, teaching status has to be earned. First and foremost by giving people a message of HOPE. This, you certainly are not doing. People don’t want to be told what is bad – any average human being can pour doom and gloom through their words, or negative BS which you do here. It takes nothing to do that, it takes courage to do the opposite.

            Own your words, Mr no Name and give us a link to your facebook profile.

        • OhioPatriot says:

          Actually I would think that most marriages “worked” in the 1940s and 1950s because of the legal and social climate. Even still, 10% of marriages in the 1940s-1950s ended in divorce. But a woman knew if she divorced her husband she wouldn’t get the house, she may or may not the kids [probably not], and the most she might hope for would be some alimony. She also knew that society frowned on divorce to such an extent that she would NOT be able to find another man to marry.

          Also, talking to old-timers, a lot of them had sexless joyless marriages. One man told me that his grandfather told him “after the birth of our fourth child, she told me she was done having kids so I was done having sex and that my days of having sex were over, very matter of factly and explicitly.”

          A lot of men who were married in the 1940s-1960s were in loveless empty marriages but they had been raised to see divorce as an abomination.

          If a woman tells a man [who is her husband whom she supposedly cares about] “we’re never going to have sex again” then the relationship is over, the marriage is done, that very instant. It is over, there is no going back, it cannot be repaired. The idea that she thought she had the right to deceive him with sex over the years and then just pull the rug out from under him means that she is deceptive, treacherous, and cannot be trusted. There is no way to repair that sort of marriage.

          A woman cannot go from rejecting her man for months/years to suddenly doing a 180 and accepting him again. When a woman first starts withholding/denying sex, unless there is a valid medical condition [she’s heavily pregnant, she’s receiving treatment for an illness/cancer/etc], then the marriage is over, it is damaged beyond repair and divorce is inevitable.

          If a man has been with a woman for 3-4 years and they’ve been having sex 5-6 times per week and then suddenly the woman just doesn’t want to have sex and declares, “I don’t want to have sex with you anymore, we’re done having sex” what does that make them? Roommates? Friends? Ex-lovers who are sharing a house together for financial reasons?

          If I wanted a roommate to split the costs of a house with, I’d put an ad in the paper or call up an old college friend.

          Once a woman rejects a man and pushes him away like that, it is over, it is done, it cannot be undone.

          A woman cannot deny her husband sex for 2 years and then come back to him and say, “sorry I rejected you for the last two years, let’s pretend it didn’t happen and start having sex again.”

          At that point, the man doesn’t want her. No man wants a woman who previously rejected him.

          When a woman rejects a man, especially “her man” in a LTR or a marriage, a switch flips in the man’s head. He begins to emotionally divest from the woman and disconnect from her. He stops asking about how her day was, he stops asking how her friends are, how her parents are, he stops listening when she talks about her thoughts, her feelings, because he doesn’t care, he’s going through a process of falling out of love with her. He doesn’t care if she goes out at 8 pm and doesn’t come home until 3 am because the love is dying and is often gone at this point.

          Once a woman rejects a man like that and conveys the message that she has no affection for him and does not want to have physical intimacy with him, the man’s perspective of her immediately changes and the change is often complete, total, and irreversible.

          Eventually the man will be gone. The easiest way to assure that men are not around is to broadcast that you don’t need a man. When you tell the world “I am a strong independent woman, I don’t need a man” don’t be surprised when you have no man. When you tell a man you don’t need him, “I don’t need you, I don’t need any man!” don’t be surprised when he makes himself scarce. Feminists have been broadcasting for 50+ years that they don’t need men and most of them wound up growing old alone [except those who were lesbians and had girlfriends] and most of them died alone or will die alone.

          A man wants to be with a woman who finds him interesting and who is interested in him. If his woman is no longer interested in him, he will rapidly divest and disconnect [emotionally] from her and wind up finding a woman who is interested in him.

          If a woman begins to deny sex, the marriage is basically doomed.

        • Anna says:

          Wow, you have a lot of good points here. You say that more marriages worked in the 40s and 50s because of legal & social climate – yes, very true. One of the things I hate so much about today’s culture is that divorce is so commonplace, & people often just go into it blindly & once they are in, give up way too easily. You say that there were also a lot of sexless marriages at that time… yes, that is true, and it may be true now. But you know, there are also marriages in every stage of the world that worked out, there was sufficient sex, and the people were happy. I believe that a good marriage with someone you love and respect, who loves you back, is rare. From what you are saying, and even with my optimism I can see that LTR, and marriages, between 2 people are not natural. Why? Because we get annoyed with each other easily. We get into fights. We misunderstand each other. We resent each other & take each other for granted. We stop having sex. That’s what happens when you really get to know someone. I’m sure you’ve wanted to just strangle your room mate or brother or sister once before, right? Add to that the difference in general thinking patterns of men & women. And you get… more annoyance and confusion. So marriage & relationships are just not natural. We are animals, at heart.. and most animals are just not monogamous. BUT, we are also human. I’m sure you believe that we have a soul. We have our spiritual side, and THAT is the side that makes marriage, and relationships work, in this day and age especially. We need to struggle through the pain, rejection, hurt and instead show compassion in order to grow. AND… it takes a lifetime sometimes to develop this spirituality, most people never even develop it. So most people will not have a successful marriage or relationship. And because lifetime relationships are not natural for us, I do believe we need to be educated in order to survive. How many classes in schools or universities or anywhere that teach people how to be good partners in a relationship, how to manage conflict, how to listen, how to be compassionate? Hardly any. And that is why most fail.
          So you mentioned something important about a woman rejecting a man for sex and the relationship basically being over… You have a good point there. You are right, it often is the beginning of the end for relationships when this happens… but you know, sometimes people fall out of love, but then they fall right back into it again. How many people would stay in the marriage long enough for that love to come back? (And it’s usually stronger). Sometimes, there are periods of time where sex is rare, maybe due to depression or having kids. People (women) don’t know that this is important for a man, and that it needs to be figured out. Most women don’t know this… it’s not our fault, we are just educated. We don’t KNOW that rejection kills a man. I can tell you a couple of times, usually when we are traveling, when I am EXHAUSTED and so utterly tired in bed, and my man (who wakes up early) nudges me in the morning to get something started, and I push his hand away or say “Stop”, and he replies with a nasty word to me and a temper tantrum and yes, he pulls away emotionally… But babe… I’m bloody tired… I do find you hot and attractive, but I need to SURVIVE first by sleeping… I don’t mean to do that, I love him very much. I didn’t know I was rejecting him, and I have no idea why he has pulled away emotionally. But now I know, and I respond to his advances differently. I never want to restrict sex from him. People weren’t taught this. And men have left countless women for this, or remained unhappy for this. This is a big marital issue, and we need to be more educated in solving this, because men were not meant to be sex camels, and they are not made to be taken advantage of. Just like women were not made to be not feeling like they are loved by a man. (Were you taught to listen to a woman recant about her day and all the minute details when you get home from work instead of getting frustrated and saying “What is the point of this story?!?”) Yes, it takes a great deal of compassion, knowledge & understanding for LTR to work out. And we are different. You know this. And, I can tell you are a guy who, underneath it all, still believes in partnerships. Maybe it’s coloured by bad associations and even worse examples in society right now.
          Ah, and you made the brilliant point of stating that a woman who tells a man that she doesn’t need him will eventually grow old alone. There is just something so beautiful about a woman saying that she needs you, and a man saying he needs me too. That’s one of the beautiful things that happens in LTR and marriages, when you put down all the walls. You are a very insightful man, and there is always more to learn.

        • Anna says:

          I know there are good relationships out there, where the woman feels adequately loved and adored, and the man feels adequately safe, admired and desired, and there is plenty of sex, passion and deep respect for the both of them. It might not be that 100% of the time (we are not in a fairytale), but mostly being in that relationship brings out the best in life for both people… Renee and her husband David (the writers of this blog) seem to have that. I have that. So, I know it’s out there. I just know that there are good marriages and relationships that work. But they say that the only things worth having in life do not come easily.

        • Anna says:

          I want to make a correction to people who are reading this, when I say I don’t reject my man anymore if he tries for sex & I’m exhausted… I didn’t say I give him sex even when I’m exhausted; I just respond differently. Now, I know what sex MEANS to a man: It means love and connection and emotional support. And I know that rejecting him puts a bad association in his heart and makes him feel undesired by me. Now, during vacations when I’m exhausted or anytime I’m too tired for sex, instead of pushing his hand away and saying “stop”, I might roll over and kiss him and tell him I’m really tired, and can we postpone to another time or that I need to sleep right now. And then there is no temper tantrum, harsh words or pulling away. I’m very lucky in the fact that my man’s sexual drive is compatible to my own (maybe mine is a little higher). The point is with sex, it’s not right to restrict it from a man, but it’s not saying that you should put out whenever he asks. It’s just to realise why he’s asking, and if he’s asking a lot more than you are giving, then there might be a SERIOUS problem in your relationship that needs to be addressed. Many women don’t realise the importance of sex to a man. Many women don’t prioritise that in a relationship. Of course I am being glib- there are many relationships where the man holds out from the woman as well, and many relationships where the woman already understands this. The point is: Sex should always be a priority, and not to forget it, because it is essentially the barometer of health in a relationship.

        • Anna says:

          One last thing is that: I think marriage to most women (that do not want to get married only for selfish gain) is like what sex is to a man. Marriage make women feel secure and loved. Sure, there is commitment, living in the same house & having a commonlaw marriage.. but I know in my heart it feels different. I love the ceremony where you tell the world, in front of your friends and family that you pledge to be with only this man for life. I love to have the wedding pictures in my house to remind me of that day. I love the honeymoon where we take a week off to relax and celebrate that day and each other. It doesn’t even have to be expensive.. I know Target makes $90 wedding dresses now & I’d be happy to wear one. The honeymoon does not have to be an all exclusive resort in Cancun (though many Anglo women are trained to want that). Marriage and LTR… might be a parachute that works 30% of the time, but in my opinion, even that 30% is much better than not being married. I know mine will work… because I love him and I want it to. And even on days where I want to strangle him, there is still something about him that I can respect and admire. I know that my feelings will pass. I’ve been through almost EVERYTHING in past relationships, so I know what I have to do to solve the problems (this, and committing myself to educating myself more and more). The point is: Think about what sex means to a man… this is essentially what marriage means to a “good” woman. It means security, support, and love. I know it seems illogical to you and counterintuitive. But sometimes a man wanting and needing sex and pressuring for sex seems that way to a woman. But hey, sex is fun, when you surrender & get into it. And marriage… is the same way, when you are not afraid to surrender and get into it.

        • z0ltan says:

          Good call, bro. I completely agree with your pragmatism.

      • Anna says:

        Alright, ok. I see where you’re coming from. I just want to say first that I share your frustration at many American/Western/English speaking women using men, then go off and cheat or take everything and run. I see women all the time who don’t WORK to make their marriage work and only RUN instead, or sabotage everything when they don’t get their needs met. Like little girls. It’s really sad, I know. I’m sorry about what happened to your dad; I’m sure he was a good man and now he’s scarred by this experience and it seems you’re outlook has been severely coloured too. You might not see any benefits for marriage for men, but I challenge you to find them. They are there, but you might have to look from another perspective. Just because a Western/American/whatever wants marriage does not mean one should break up with her, but I see how you have formed that deal breaker. Why don’t you encourage people to ask WHY this woman wants marriage instead of assuming she only wants it for bad reasons? Just because she is not Russian/Siberian does not mean she doesn’t have good intentions. Additionally, I’m sure there are women in Russia who cheat on their husbands and screw them over as well. I think there are men and women in every culture who screw people over in every situation. It shouldn’t be just based on Western countries, although I do believe the culture there can be very materialistic and shallow. In any case, I believe you are a man who deep down wants love and to share your life with someone who will love and appreciate you forever, but don’t want to open yourself to the risk of emotional and financial ruin. I mean, you won’t even let someone drive your truck. That has nothing to do with marriage, but everything to do with intimacy. I don’t want to change your state or beliefs, but I do urge you to try to see contradictions and exceptions to the rules you’ve made up for yourself. Good luck to you.

        • Anna says:

          I hope that you will find a woman (in any culture) who will add value to your life rather than take it. That is my wish for you.

        • OhioPatriot says:

          Women anywhere can cheat, but only in the Western world can a woman cheat, causing a marriage to end, and then wind up with half of the guy’s stuff and half of his salary for the next 40 years.

          The legal situation in Russia is vastly different. Marriages can end anywhere, but only in the Western/Anglo world does a woman have the opportunity to use the power of the state, via the family court system, to destroy a man and plunder him.

          A woman in Russia who wants to cheat, has to realize that the end result will be that she is thrown out into the cold.

          In America a woman can cheat and then have a man thrown out of her house.

          Historically in the 1930s-1950s nothing stopped a woman from running off with the milk man, nobody could prevent that, there was no law declaring a woman could not do that.

          Today the woman does not run off with the milk man, she throws her husband out of the house he and bought and paid for, and brings her new lover into her husband’s house.

          Any man who signs on for that deal is asking to get screwed.

          Marriage in the West is the equivalent of jumping out of an airplane after being told that your parachute has a 30% chance of actually opening and working. It is something that people do only because of cultural programming, blind faith, or brainwashing by their church.

          Marriage as an institution needs to die, it is obsolete and has nothing to offer men.

          Almost everybody I know who was in a marriage has been divorced, and most people I know who were in LTRs [myself included] have been cheated on or otherwise burned.

          Anybody who gets married in the USA is a conformist bowing to cultural pressure. From the perspective of a man’s own best interests and his self interests, there is no reason for a man to marry a woman in the United States.

        • OhioPatriot says:

          Typo, In America a woman can cheat and then have a man thrown out of her house.

          Should read- In America can cheat and then have a man thrown out of his house, with the court making it her house.

        • Anna says:

          What happens when a poor man (and family is still poor) in USA marries a wealthy woman and moves into a house she bought & paid for?

        • OhioPatriot says:

          Actually my rule about nobody driving my truck except myself and my father has to do with the fact that my mother receives about 8-9 speeding tickets per year, has wrecked several vehicles, tail-gates, has had her licensed revoked at least once or twice, and is generally a horrible driver.

          I often advise young men if they are considering whether or not a woman is worth their time… Observe how she drives. Does she use turn signals? If she does not use turn signals then she does not care about rules, regulations, social conventions, and she does not care if those around her know what she is about to do, she doesn’t feel that other drivers are important enough to let know, “I am ready to turn this way.”

          Generally selfish people do not use turn signals.

          Absent-minded people follow too closely, stop too close behind the car in front of them.

          You can learn a lot about somebody from watching how they drive. If you are unable to watch how they drive, watch how they shop.

          Do they leave their car in the middle of an aisle and create a barrier that blocks other customers? If they do this it means they either are selfish and don’t care about other shoppers or they are absent-minded and foolish. Neither is a good trait in a prospective mate.

          Occasionally somebody might forget to use a turn signal, but if a young man sees a woman who operates without using signals 95-98% of the time, she’s selfish and he should avoid her.

          Another thing is to see how the woman treats other people in public. My mother screams at retail clerks, service people, waitresses, waiters, etc, she insults people, demands to see the manager, brags about how much money she spends in the store. She’s been told to leave numerous stores and asked not to return unless she would behave herself.

          I would say that goes both ways, a woman should quietly observe how the man she’s with treats retail/service people when they’re out and about. Somebody who throws a tantrum and yells at others when things don’t go their way will easily throw a tantrum and yell at you.

          • Kyle McKenna says:

            Ohio Patriot–excellent points about observing the use of turn signals, leaving shopping cart in the middle of the aisle, etc. You can learn a lot about someone that way… in particular, the entitled, “it’s all about me” type.

        • OhioPatriot says:

          That almost never happens because women almost always marry up while men marry down.

          The expectation in American society is that a woman will marry a man who makes at least as much money as her, or comes from an economic background at least equal to her own, or who is substantially better off.

          A woman making $2 million dollars per year is almost guaranteed NEVER to even date a man who works as a bar-tender or a gas station clerk.

          It just won’t happen, so there’s really no point even entertaining that scenario.

          Consider that about five or six years ago, Miss Germany, a beauty pagent winner, married a plumber.

          I guarantee you, Miss Ohio, Miss Texas, Miss Florida, none of them are going to marry an electrical engineer, a carpenter, or even an accountant or a small business owner. At a minimum they are going for corporate attorneys, high powered surgeons [guys pulling $2 million per year], and they’re probably really aiming for business owners/CEOs in their 40s-50s who have annual incomes in the 8 figures range.

          You could search all across the USA and probably find a half-dozen examples of a beauty pagent winner who is married to a blue collar worker or a skilled professional worker.

          You’ll never see Miss USA married to a plumber.

          A Miss Germany married a plumber, but that’s Germany.

          Female hypergamy is massive in the USA.

          One result of this is that as women begin to make more money, they price themselves out of the dating market because they expect to find a man who makes as much or more than they do. The truth is that a woman who spends 20 years on a career and is now 40 years old making $500,000 dollars per year, has very limited options. A 40 year old man making $500,000 or $1,000,000 per year is not interested in a 40 year old woman, he’s going to be looking at the 18-30 year old range, especially if he wants a LTR and kids.

          The 40 year old woman also has to realize that by age 40, most men who want to get married, already are married, and most men with comparable earning power are either already married [they married years ago], or they don’t want to marry, or they don’t want to marry a woman as old as her.

          There’s really no point in addressing the situation of a poor man with a rich woman since that sort of scenario only plays out in Hollywood movies. In the real world it is less than 1% of the time.

        • Anna says:

          Hahaha if that were my mom, I wouldn’t let her drive my car either. But, do you let anyone else drive it, or is it completely off limits except to your dad? Anyways, I believe you have to be listed on the vehicle documents as potential drivers to drive. My man is on mine. My point of discussing the wealthy woman with the poor man is to address flaws in your logic. Not all women marry up, although a lot in the USA tend to. (Do you live in the South? It’s more prevalent there.) Not every man buys the house nowadays; a lot of times, the woman does. I feel like a lot of your beliefs were spawned from your father’s marriage with your mother (a very bad example), and your friends/acquantences (also not good examples). It’s true, there are a lot of divorces and bad marriages. But I think this failure is not so much attributed to family law and the institution of marriage (which, if 2 people choose not to get married, it’s ok, it’s man-made anyway), but more so due to the fact that most people do not know how to live with someone who is different from them (i.e. EVERYBODY), and how to handle conflict and resentment that occurs when one’s needs are not met, and also not being able to consider the other person’s point of view, or just to let them be and not control them. Look at your grandparent’s generation- most marriages worked out then because people worked it out. In this day & age emotional & spiritual maturity (even intellectual maturity – ahaha) is not prevalent, and this, I believe, leads to a lot of the problems you speak of. Back to the financial conversation, I actually am worth more than my spouse. When I met him, he had a 15 year old car and did not make much money. But I still wanted to marry him, because he was the sweetest guy I’ve ever met, and he seemed to believe in forever love, like me. I let him drive my car whenever he needed it because his car did not have a heater, and mine did, & it was cold. But, thank you for telling me all your views here. To me, they are so… strongly opinionated… that they were able to catch my attention, and I was able to understand men a little better today.

  • Darling says:

    While these may be the commitment phobia signs for some men (especially player types with no intention of settling down), I don’t feel these cover commitment phobia signs for all men. I just got out of a one year relationship with a severe commitment phobic. It feels beyond devastating. Our relationship was great in every single aspect except for his commitment phobia which made it incredibly hard to finally let go. He wanted commitment for himself so badly but his irrational fears were things he just couldn’t get over. I honestly do not believe he will be able to ever get married until he seeks professional help 🙁

    We are in our 30’s and prior to me, his longest relationship was 6 months and that was clear back in college. We are both quite religious and our religious culture does play a factor into this. And it helped me reason away why he had not had a longer term relationship by this point. I won’t bore you with all the details of our relationship but will tell of the commitment phobia signs I saw in him.

    1. He was incredibly picky to a fault. I felt judged many times that I could never live up to this super perfect ideal he had created in his head. I love listening to rap music or reading People magazine once in awhile and was told, “I can’t ever imagine my future wife doing those things”.

    2. He was very critical of me. Anything he could possibly find fault in he would find it. Towards the end of our relationship he told me that when he saw other women he would wish I had something they had (idk if he meant physically or otherwise and to be honest I don’t really care). I feel like I should add that I am a former model, still very attractive with a very slender body (maybe he likes more boobs- WTF?!?) lol. My friends were floored when I shared that one.

    3. He was very critical of the relationship. Again, anything he could find fault with fueled his irrational fears

    4. After almost a year, he was still scared to consider me his girlfriend even though we were exclusively dating

    5. After a year, he refused to put a picture of us on FB. His reasoning was his friends would ask him pressuring questions about us and he was trying to buy us time without added pressure.

    6. Commitment phobes tend to yo-yo in their relationships. We broke things off for 6 weeks in the summer after being together for 5 months. He told me he didn’t love me and I didn’t make him want to be a better man (ouch!). He contacted me again after 6 weeks telling me he realized he really did love me. I have no doubt that in time he will be back again telling me he can’t live without me. But the pattern and cycle will still be there till he properly addresses these fears.

    I feel like I have painted this guy in such a horrible light and he really is a great guy. That’s what is so tragic about this. He could be such an amazing husband and father one day. But he’ll never ever get there if he can’t get this resolved. I have a healthy self esteem and could see the ridiculous nature of a lot of the criticism. The more commitment phobes can make things wrong in their minds or see flaws, it gives them excuses and fuels their fears.

    If anyone is going through this, please know this is not you. You are a lovely, worthy, beautiful soul who is worth loving. Their criticism holds no weight in your value. And ultimately, if they aren’t willing to save themselves from this, they aren’t worthy of you and wasting your precious time on a relationship that will go absolutely no where.

    • Robin says:

      Hey, just wanted to respond to you, this post really hit home for me. I’m with a critical, incredibly picky, man, now for 1.5 years. He actually told me once that I should get fake boobs! Gaah. We have a lot of great times though too.
      Anyway, this post (and article) really have opened my eyes to what’s happening.

    • Rochelle says:

      Yikes I’m glad you got yourself out of there! Yes any severe criticism and blame is a red flag. Usually anyone overly critical also judges themselves harshly and they project it onto others too. Sometimes, they fortunately show that from early on. One man who recently asked me out blamed me for being sick with a cold and said it was because I must have not been taking care of myself properly! (which isn’t true at all!) It made me feel like “wow if we hardly know each other and he’s already finding fault in me and blaming me, he is only going to influence me to feel bad about myself”. So I didn’t go out with him. It was such a contrast compared to another man I am currently speaking to, who told me to just focus on take care of myself, getting better and gave me suggestions to feel better. Just little things like that are good to watch out for from early on.

    • OhioPatriot says:

      You identify yourself as “quite religious” but you were living with a guy and having sex with him without marriage…

      I suppose that “quite religious” thing is a flexible concept.

      • Darling says:

        I’m assuming this is directed at me? No where in my post did I ever say I lived with him, much less had sex. Neither of those are true so please keep your nasty comments to yourself thanks 🙂

        • Kyle McKenna says:

          You listed a large number of deal-breakers about this guy–and I agree that many of them should well be deal breakers. So why was it an issue even? I mean, why did you stay with him at all? Seems like you were enabling him at the least.

          • Darling says:

            I whole heartedly believe a great deal of commitment phobes really do want love and a relationship. Or at least the idea of one ;). Again, I think there are “player” types of commitment phobes as well as ones with good intentions. My ex fell into the latter category. He’s a great guy- good looking, very successful, fantastic morals, and many great attributes. He pursued me and pursued hard. We clicked and fell in love. As our relationship and the serious direction it was taking grew, his commitment phobias grew as well. We dated a year and the bad stuff I listed was about the last 3 months of the relationship. I stuck around for those months in hopes he could get over them but they just became worse and more obnoxious. I truly believe he will never find the relationship he’s seeking till he finds help for this. It’s heartbreaking because he truly wants a wife and family. I have since moved onto a man who utterly adores me 🙂

            • Janet . says:

              You sound like a very seeet person. This kind of a guy (comittment phobe), will never appreciate that quality in my . opinion, except to exploit you for it. It doesnt matter if theyre a player or not, they dont respect women deep down, thats why we never measure up. Im so glad you moved on, and I have too. But I no longer feel sorry for that guy at all. Not after he demeaned me, calling ne a whore. We tend to get the life we deserve and go after, and so do they.

    • Janet . says:

      I went through something similar to you, and I thought he was a great guy who just had some issues.. After several breakups it ended really bitterly, and that sweet guy was not so great. I ended up feeling he had a”major” personality disorder, as his cruelty was off the hook. Dont get mad; but your guy doesnt sound nice either. Who does he think he is? He sounds like a total douche bag, putting you down like he is deserves perfection. Ugh, Im married now, but if I were ever available again I would never tolerate any personality like that again. Its probably inate in some people, and trust me, they deserve to be alone.

  • Puma says:

    He’s in his 60’s (I’m in my 50’s) never been married. (I have been) Not sure *I* want to be married again, my first marriage was not a good one. He does ask about my day/life, etc. Not sure if he has been ‘trained’ to be this way, does it because he knows it’s a good thing to do, or if he really does care? He does it often. He has not really ignored my birthday but hasn’t really done a lot for it either. That’s ok, as I am not a materialistic person, my favorite things to do are to go out to eat with friends. (he always pays)

    He’s been in a couple of long-term relationships, of at least ten years. My last b/f was quite the commitment phobic, so I’m ‘once bitten-twice shy’ and consider all men somewhat commitment phobic or the opposite, clingy. I pray for the middle ground!

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hey Puma,

      The fact that he has been in 2 long term relationships of at least 10 years is a good sign. I wouldn’t worry with this man (and from what you’ve told me).

      Lol, sometimes, if we let ourselves ask ‘does this man really care?’ enough, we can drive ourselves crazy. Sometimes, our first instinctive response before asking the question over and over in our heads is the right one.

      And then if that answer doesn’t satisfy you, then considering his actions is a good indicator.

      At the end of the day though – sometimes, a man will feel love and perceive care from differently than how you perceive love and care from him – and he could make the mistake of thinking you’re like HIM – as us humans do a lot on a daily basis.

      eg: one person perceives love through being given material gifts and another through physical affection…this can be a difficult path for the two people; until they take the time to figure out what actually lights their partner up.

      • Dawn says:

        Hi, Just read your comment about longevity in previous relationships as being a good sign. Usually, I would tend to agree, but in my case it doesn’t hold water. I am living with the biggest commitment phobic man I have ever met. I am 53 years old.
        My “so-called” guy is 60 year old. His first marriage lasted three years, she left him. His second, 13 years, he says he stayed for the kids. His last relationship of ten years was spent living apart from her.
        He lives with me only, because we can’t afford to live apart. He is without doubt, the most commitment phobic man I have ever met.
        But I do agree with you about actions and how they love.
        I think you are referring to Dr.Gary Chapman’s classic book on the “Five Languages of Love”…excellent book.. a must read for everyone in a loving relationship.

  • Rochelle says:

    I especially love numbers 7 and 8…Some men have all the right things to say and then deliver nothing! As for Facebook, well I don’t want any guys I’m dating to FB me right away anyway. Though I am aware their resistance is not for the same reasons as mine. 🙂 for me it’s best to not have a man go into my FB world until it’s a committed relationship. It takes too much away from the mystery too soon in my opinion

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hey Rochelle, thanks for your comment.

      Yep – this is a great point you’ve made – the mystery has to be there, and I would want to wait a while also before introducing each other to the other’s facebook friends’ list. If this sign was occuring along with several others of these indicators though, it could be a warning. xox

  • Mariam says:

    Thanks Renee, for another wonderful article! This one is very good and helped clear several doubts regarding the commitment-phobe men. I sometimes wonder, what makes a man be abusive with a woman that he loves and doesnt want to let go? Is it because of his childhood factors, his nature, or that he may be lying about his love? And the woman is patient and loving herself. I wonder this at times. Anyway, thanks once again!

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hey there Mariam! 🙂 what a great point you’ve brought up. And I have to commend you for thinking through this in a different way and asking a different question rather than just dismissing all abuse as being undertaken for the same reason.

      There are lesser understood reasons why a man would abuse a woman and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her. This is something I’d talk about in my programs and not here, however, as I don’t want to go in to such an explosive topic on the blog right now.

  • Anne Vanhofwegan says:

    There is a commitment phobic man I know,that a friend fell in love with,but he was honest with her and told her that he had fallen in love with one gal who was very flighty,and didnt return his love,just used him to watch her 2 little kids,he was very close to those kids and then the 3 year old drowned, He’s close to 30 and swears he’s never going to fall in love again it was to painfull,which i can understand.So there is that kind of commitment phobia,also we rarely think of how badly we can hurt men,even unintentionally

  • Anna says:

    Good article. I generally agree with all of them, but I don’t have much experience with commitment phobic men. They are usually easy to spot and I leave them soon. These are the signs that trigger to me subconsciously, a commitment phobic man:

    – Parties a lot, and often without you… stays out late at night
    – Is impulsive, but does not think of the consequences. This I know because I was impulsive once… and commitmentphobic. Impulsive as in – see a pretty girl, get distracted, then have no sense of right and wrong and just know that he WANTS the girl and she makes him feel good.
    – Does not tell you much of HIS life. Deflects deep personal questions. Part of being invested requires that YOU share your personal information to a person as well as listen to theirs. And when he doesn’t share, he is limiting his own investment capacity and as well as yours.
    – Puts high value on superficial things (what kind of car you drive, brands you wear, all surface things). If he does not know the real value of things below the surface, he will never know your real value below the surface.

    These are in addition to your comments. I used to be commitment phobic at one time too, and I displayed many of those traits. So I believe that the root of someone being commitment phobic is that they want freedom by way of new and exciting experiences which are limited by a relationship. (A commitmentphillic man also wants freedom, but is at a point where he feels the relationship does not limit him). I think once a man becomes more spiritual, or in fact shifts his perspective or priorities, then he will lose his commitmentphobia. And this could occur at any age, but you are right, after late 30s / early 40s it’s hard to change a person in this way. The trick here is if the man sees superficial things as valuable or if he sees them as cheap and / or can look past them.

    For example: if he sees a pretty girl down the street, does he think: WANT (and that’s it). or does he think: want, but I don’t know her, she could be good or bad for me. or even: want, but I have a girlfriend, and she doesn’t compare to the woman she is, even if she is attractive on the surface.

    And does he see partying as life, or does he see it as sometimes cheap fun, and mostly destructive (to health, wallet, productivity, relationship etc). Partying every now and then is good, but all the time could be a sign of a different mentality there.

    • Janet . says:

      Too much partying after awhile is a sign of immaturity and selfishness to me. You see some guys become a Peter Pan type, and try to date much much younger girls, till they cant attract them anymore. My neighbors son is in his mid fifties and likes to date girls in their mid twenties. Shes encouraging him to settle down with a girl thats 34 and have a family. Hes telling the girl their children must be raised in his faith only. Im thinking geez thats a twenty year age difference. I wouldnt have wanted to marry someone twenty years older than myself, he should be happy. I wouldnt want some fuss budget bachelor dictating to me. It will be interesting to see if a marriage and kids come off.

  • Carrie says:

    I would add on to #3, if most or all of his close friends are also confirmed bachelors. Also if he isn’t making space for a women in his home: bed pushed up to the wall, single sized sheet on a full sized bed, one hand towel for a body towel that I had to with him once – he said his real towel was in the wash. I have been very patient with my confirmed bachelor, but I dont see any signs of him budging so I’m about to throw in the hand towel, lol

  • Lana says:

    My guy only does 1 out of the 10 (#5), so I think I’m okay for now. It used to bother me, but I find that his interest in my life increases as *I* voluntarily share things. The lack of asking probing questions, though, does concern me. It’s not a deal-breaker, because we’re at the very beginning stages (growing from friendship) — not exclusive or serious enough yet for that to be an issue.

  • Nivea says:

    My points are mainly made out of observing relationships around me…1)A man who has been in a really long relationship and had a break up for what ever reasons tend to being distant with you…because he’s worried, whether the new relationship is gonna end soon, despite how wonderful it makes him feel at the moment…2)if he goes away on holiday with you, says all the right things, but doesnt wanna put up pics of you both together, there’s a red flag! 3)If you both have common friends, but doesnt want you to even talk about the time you both spent together, he’s definitely not into a relationship 4)if a man is stingy when it comes to spending when you both go out together, he doesnt think you are worthy enough to be spent on…5)even if you are together all the time and you somehow feel he’s disconnected or he doesnt bother to take you out to meet his close friends you need to worry. Also, you can understand a lot about your guy, by the way he’s among his friends.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Nivea, thanks for adding these great points. Yes, if he never wants to put up pictures of you away together, I’d be wondering why, for sure. He could just not really care about putting pictures up…but if he has put other pictures up in the past then it could be suspicious…you could always test by putting a picture up of you both and tagging him.

      At the end of the day, a lot of men just end up unsure in a relationship or dating situation with a woman – it’s the case of not yet feeling like they’ve found ‘the one’, or a lack of Attraction. It’s normal, and most people won’t be right for all of us anyway.

  • Eva says:

    Great article, thank you. My ‘man’ does 3-4 out of the ten. I was reading this because I wasn’t sure I made the right decision to dump him but yes, I was right. This article just confirmed it again.

  • Rhiannon says:

    I have been seeing a man for three months. We are not exclusive. He told me from day one he has intimacy issues stemming from his 2 tours in Iraq. He does not show any of the ten signs. He treats me wonderful, acts like a boyfriend. He is there for me emotionally, very tender and sweet. He refers to the future with me on a regular basis. He’s very open about how he feels about me. But a month ago said “I can’t give you anything serious.” He said he wasn’t planning on letting any woman get in his head and heart this much as I have. He said he’s working it out in his mind and isn’t going anywhere. He’s a great man. My intuition tells me to be patient, enjoy the time with him and not be in a rush to label things.

    • Renee Wade says:

      Hi Rhiannon – this kind of resistance he is having could be a good thing. It doesn’t have to be bad. If he felt he had his whole life sorted out and then you came along, and things changed, he could just need to adjust.

      Referring to the future with a woman though – that’s common, even for a man who never plans to commit. Some men will just do this but end up feeling far too scared to take things to the next level. That’s why the two most important things in getting a commitment from a man – Attraction and Connection are so important.

      Take care. xo

  • Gabby says:

    Thanks Renee for this article. From experience with men and seeing the women in my life go through bad relationships, most of what you are saying is correct. I can’t not also add that men who disappear for long periods and then come back and then do it again are commitment phobics. Usually, they continue the same cycle and you get so excited when they come back, it’s just a total toxic cycle!

    • Catherine says:

      Yes Renee! Can you please elaborate on men who break up and then come back one, two, three months after? Is the whole concept of “if you love someone let them go, if they come back they were always yours,” true?

      • Tricia says:

        okay here is my two cents- the man I have been seeing on and off for almost a year now – has not invited me to see him and his band play – when I asked him he said that he didn’t want to have to hold my hand – what could this mean? I know it doesn’t look promising- however he made it a point to text me on my birthday and he even took me out for dinner- pleasently surprised! Easter yep he came over my moms- Christmas Day yep- but not only did he share Christmas Eve with another woman -he invited this woman to see his band – but he denies it- Could this e ba harsh welcome to reality or what?
        So does a man have committment phobia if he has tons of female friends and makes no DISTINCTIONS about the specialness of any of his female relationships?

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Send this to a friend